Bob's Burgers s14e06 Episode Script

Escape from Which Island?

So this storm front could
change course and make
landfall this weekend.
We're in wait-and-see mode.
Either way, don't get
mad at me about it.
Just doing my best.
Aw, Scott Baggs seems
really vulnerable right now.
- That's hot.
- Hey, Mr. Fisch.
Hello, burger lady. Tiny people.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Bob. How are you, Bob?
- Uh, good?
- Good, good, good.
Uh, is this about the rent?
Sorry, Linda put a
smiley face on the check.
I-I thought it was too
much. Was it too much?
- Is that why you're here?
- No.
- I enjoyed it.
- I knew it.
What are you doing this weekend, Bob?
Nothing fun or
interesting or cool, right?
- Uh, probably not. Why?
- Well, I need a private chef.
For private cooking.
At a private location.
And, yes, you will
need to sign this NDA.
NDA? "No ding-a-lings allowed"?
Wait, are-are you asking me
to cater an event or something?
- Yes. A camping event.
- Oh, camping.
It's actually more like fancy camping.
"Flancing," I call it,
with, let's just say,
a secret club of powerful members.
A brotherhood, really.
The blood oath was fun, but messy.
Mr. Fischoeder, are
you in the Illuminati?
You can tell us, we're on the wait-list.
Ha-ha. No.
Those guys wish they were
in the Babylon league.
- The Babalong League?
- Babylon.
Like the ancient, uh, thing.
- Oh
- Yes, a bunch of powerful men
letting our hair down and
picking the next president
over s'mores and cocktails
and naughty jokes.
None of that makes me want to
take this catering gig. Sorry.
Bob, I need you.
I sort of kind of forgot
that we voted last year
to each bring our own chefs from now on
since everyone's got their
"dietary restrictions."
And the other members
already picked over
the best chefs in town,
so now I'm asking you.
- Thank you?
- Name your price.
- A billion dollars.
- No.
- A million dollars.
- No.
- A billion dollars.
- She just said that.
How about $973?
- That's very specific.
- It's the price
for a new condenser for the walk-in,
which apparently we
need. The one we have is
ready to go to that walk-in in the sky.
Right, I guess ignoring
that horrible sound
isn't gonna fix it.
- Boring, but sold.
- Really?
So, Bob, do we have a deal?
Uh, okay.
- I guess I'll do it.
- Yay.
Wait, they said there might
be a storm. Aren't you worried
- about the weather?
- Y-You don't really need
to worry about the weather
when you know the people I know.
- They take care of all that.
- Wait, what?
Oh, and Bob, whip up a
custom cocktail, will you?
It-it's kind of
Part of the whole thing.
Think refreshing, yet sour.
- Manly, yet whimsical.
- Uh, a cocktail. Uh, okay.
And gin. Lots of gin. And
call it something clever.
The things we'll do for a condenser.
- I mean, you'll do.
- Yup.
Okay, come aboard!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, put this on.
- [BOB] All right.
- Okay, now come aboard.
[BOB] But I have a blindfold
on. Uh, I can't see.
[FISCHOEDER] You should've thought of
that before you put the blindfold on.
[BOB] Okay, I'll try ow.
know why you stepped there.
- [BOB] Ow!
- [FISCHOEDER] You're bad at this.
- No peeking.
- I'm not.
- What? Speed up? Okay.
- Aah!
No peeking!
Can I take the blindfold off?
I'd love to be able to see things again.
Eh, fine.
Oh, my god, we're on a cliff.
Mr. Fischoeder, what if I fell?
Well, that would've
been embarrassing for me.
I'd be the idiot whose
chef fell off the cliff.
So, my, uh, custom cocktail
is, uh, going in my mouth soon?
Yeah. It was actually kind
of fun to come up with.
I-I hope you like it. It's gin and mint
and a dash of pickle juice.
I call it "the league of
ex-brine-inary gentlemint."
Mmm I think we should
call it the ring-a-ding.
Mm, fine.
Uh, you know, I haven't
had any reception
since we got to the island.
Is there a place where I
Oh, there's no cell phone
reception on the island.
We paid a lot of money for that.
You can make your tik toks
when you get home, Bob.
- That's not what I
- Come, come.
- Bring the ring-a-ding!
- Yup, yup. Sure.
Sticky Nicky McArthur. How's the family?
Which one? [LAUGHS]
Hubert "The Hammer" Hammerschmidt.
How were the hearings?
Some people are going to prison. Not me.
- Brother Calvin.
- Downtown Randolph Brackenbrown.
- There he is.
- Here I am.
Soggie Auggie Sharfenheimer.
The gang's all here.
Calvin, no chefs at the sacred circle.
They're supposed to stay at the tents.
Can I keep him? The liquor pitcher's
all sweaty; I don't want to hold it.
Let's have a taste.
The cocktail will decide his fate.
Oh, uh, okay.
Mmm. Exquisite. He can stay.
Why does your chef look so familiar?
Was he working the omelet
station at your last sex party?
- What?
- No. Bob's a burger man.
Well, those were good omelets.
And a hell of a sex party.
Just really well-organized.
I went a bit more upscale
with my private chef.
I brought Sergio, from Sergio.
- Heard of it.
- Me, too.
He's making llama because
I only eat llama now.
- Oh, enough about the llama!
- More llama drama?
Mr. I brought a live llama
can't seem to talk about anything else.
- You're gonna slaughter it here?
- No.
For every one that I
eat, I adopt a live one.
- Some people don't get it.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
- I'm one of those people.
- Sergio gets it.
Well, what do you say,
fellas, shall we, uh,
tell the chefs to start cooking?
We'll have our feast, then
let out our inner beast.
[AUGUST] Feast and beast.
I love that they rhyme.
Not bad, burger-meister. I
saw Randolph eyeing my dinner.
- He barely touched his llama.
- Oh. Thanks.
What are you doing,
cleaning? Pfft square.
I just took a bunch
of drugs, Bob. A bunch.
All mixed together in
a cast-iron cauldron
that we heated over the fire.
That's how people do drugs.
That seems to make
sense for what this is.
- Can you do my face paint?
- Uh, sure.
- Wha what's this for?
- Tradition! Ritual!
Make me look like Simon Lebon
in "Hungry Like the Wolf."
I'm just gonna do a stripe.
Oh, you're moving. So
that that looks good.
Feeling strong. Very strong.
Whoa. Speaking of
strong. Geez, this is
It's I think it's about to rain.
- Uh, do you do you feel drops?
- It's starting, Bob.
It's starting.
- So, this is a storm, I think.
The one you said wasn't gonna happen?
electronic dance music!
Still nothing from your father.
How's he even supposed to
grill burgers in a storm like this?
When you don't listen to Scotty Baggs,
you end up with soggy buns.
He's on a camping
weekend with rich people.
I assume there are butlers that hold
umbrellas over all the buns.
Speaking of buns, why are
we not eating post-dinner,
pre-bedtime snacks right now?
My hand keeps doing this,
but there's nothing in it.
I'll go get something.
I'll go with you so
it's not just crackers.
- No offense.
- What?
We had carrots that one time.
Dad left a lot of bar things.
- It's like we live in a nightclub now.
- Yeah.
Your dad was Sir Mix-a-lologist last night.
It was quite the cocktail party.
If you like a cocktail
party where it's just you
- and the person making drinks.
- Are those a real thing?
I thought cocktail parties were
just in movies and TV shows.
Oh, yeah, someone invites
you to their house,
and they made snacks
and they made a playlist
and you have to pretend
you like their music.
You'll go to them when
you're a little older.
It's how adults socialize.
Until they have kids.
Then you don't do anything.
I don't understand, why is
it called a cocktail party?
Why isn't it called
a "hanging out and talking" party?
Is that what you guys are doing?
'Cause the snacks are Taking a while.
Snacks are coming, they're coming.
They call 'em cocktail parties
because some grown-ups
have a drink to loosen up.
But don't have too many 'cause
then you don't get invited back.
And don't monopolize the conversation,
don't stay too late,
don't get there too early.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, should
I be writing this down?
- You're freaking me out.
- Don't wear brown and black.
- Never look into someone's eyes.
- Bring your own fork and briefcase.
- Of course. Everyone knows that.
- Huh. Huh. Huh
And leave one of your shoes as a gift.
- But you got to hide it.
- Aah! I don't get it.
How does everyone know all this stuff?
No, no, no, don't listen to
them, they're messing with you.
But I can show you
everything you need to know.
You want to have a mocktail party?
Kids, meet me in the
living room in ten minutes.
Wear something nice.
How much cleavage is too much cleavage?
- Your call.
- Ooh
This'll probably be just as fancy
as the party your dad's at right now.
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
Huh? What?!
Mr. Fischoeder, people are leaving.
Boats are leaving. They
they took the llama,
- and they left!
- Bob! Bob!
You're saying too many words.
Close this part, shake that part.
Look at Hubert, he's
all hips. And drugs.
Mr. Fischoeder, I'm worried
that this storm is gonna get worse,
and we're on an island,
and our phones don't work.
- And that's bad.
- No. That's good.
That's why we're here.
You just don't have
enough face paint on.
It keeps you dry.
Haven't you noticed I'm completely
dry? Have you asked yourself
- how that's possible?
- Uh-oh.
You are all very stoned.
Okay, I'm gonna go pack everything
onto your boat and then we should go.
And everyone else should go soon, too.
I will be right back
to get you and whoever
wants to live tonight, okay?
Oh, boy, tent not looking good.
And the boats are sinking.
Mr. Fischoeder?
M-Mr. Fischoeder?
Is that blood? Oh, my god.
- Bob.
- Huh?
- Turn off your light.
- What?
- Why?
- Shh. He's hunting us.
He took a bite out of Randolph's arm.
- Who took a bite?
- Hubert.
He's gone completely wild.
He's turned into some sort of animal
with Eddie Bauer pants on.
Okay, well, I have to
tell you about your boat.
- Oh
- Shh.
[BOB MUFFLED] Oh, my god!
This is awful. This is so, so awful.
We're trapped on this island with that?
Why did I say yes to this?
- Ugh, this is gonna get infected.
Calvin, you don't have
any antibiotics, do you?
No. Seems like kind of a nerdy
thing to pack on a boys' weekend.
Ah, it hurts. Aah!
What's the point of taking drugs
if you feel pain when
someone bites your shoulder?
Should we make our way to the boats?
This has been fun, but, Bob, I think
you were saying something
about packing up?
There's no boats, Mr. Fischoeder.
That's what I was trying to tell you.
They're all gone or they're smashed.
- What? Why didn't you tell me?
- I did!
- You were on drugs.
- Don't blame the drugs!
- What boats are gone? Who left?
- A lot of people.
The private chefs are all
gone, I think. Other people.
They saw the storm and they
left 'cause they're smart.
- Who's this guy?
- He's sober.
- Oh
- Shush.
- Aah!
- Run!
You're not an animal, Hubert!
You're an episcopalian.
You know what we need? A
couple more ring-a-dings.
[LINDA] Looking nice.
Looking very sophisticated.
Gene, liking the shorts
with dad's jacket.
Mm-hmm. Business dad-ual.
And I invented a new way to tie a tie.
It makes the old way look stupid.
All right, now that we
have some drinks in hand,
let's do some role-play.
Tina, stand there.
- You're the host.
- I'm the host?
Just for this, just for this.
Okay, I'm the first guest
to arrive. You ready?
- Ding-dong.
- Hello.
Hi, honey. Mwah. I'm
30 minutes early. Mwah.
Here's a bottle of wine that
someone gave me as a gift.
Is that what you're gonna wear tonight?
- Um
- Aren't you gonna put on music?
- Oh
- Can I help out with snacks or anything?
- What?
- No? Okay, can I see what you have
-in the fridge? I haven't had dinner.
Also, I blocked your
neighbor's driveway.
- He's cool, right? And scene.
- Oh, uh
Do's and don'ts. Call 'em out.
What did I do right,
what did I do wrong?
Um, you showed up early.
- That's nice.
- No, no, no.
Showing up 30 minutes early is worse
- than showing up an hour late.
- Aah!
Just take the time
they tell you to arrive,
add 30 minutes, and you're good.
- What else? Call 'em out!
- Don't be like how you were.
More specifically. What did I do wrong?
Everything after hello?
Correct. Let's do another one,
let's do another one.
Louise, stand here. We're both guests.
You're waiting for the bathroom.
I come up behind you.
Hi, I'm drunk.
Will you hold up my hair while I puke?
- And scene.
- She seems fun.
Okay, let's stop for a minute.
I can't see where we're going.
But I don't want to use the lamp
because the bitey guy might see us.
- The "bitey guy" has a name, Bob.
- Ugh.
God, I wish we had our guns.
Not to kill him, just to
shoot him a little bit.
Yeah, why don't you have your guns?
Uh, I thought that was part of your
- group dynamic.
- No guns on the island.
Our insurance covers us for
drugs or guns. But not both.
Can we stay here? Are we hidden?
- Uh, I think we're hidden.
- Found you.
- Ah!
- Yeah, we could hear
your voices all the way from over there.
- You two get bit at all? Still just me?
- Stop asking that!
- Mosquitoes love me, too.
-What was that? Did you fart, Bob?
That was a twig snapping.
Farts don't sound like that.
Some do.
- That hurts!
- Told you.
- Stop biting us, Hubert!
- And put some clothes on.
All right. Uh, I think
we have to go on offense.
If we keep running, he's just gonna keep
jumping out of the bushes and biting us.
- "Us"? Have you been bitten?
- Oh, hush.
You were pretty pissy about some
of us talking about our bites just,
- like, a moment ago.
- Listen to Bob. I'm
- nominating him for captain.
- What?
He's the least drugged-up of all of us.
- Who's Bob?
- Me.
But I don't want to be
captain. I just want to live.
Listen, this Hubert guy.
Ca-can we catch him somehow? Trap him?
If we can tie him up
till the drugs wear off
then all we'll have to
deal with is the storm.
That gives a slightly better
chance of surviving the night.
Trapping Hubert. Hmm not bad.
- True. Good idea, captain.
- To set a trap we need bait.
- [ALL EXCEPT BOB] Not it!
- Wait, what?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Bad plan, bad plan!
Just a little more beef on the eyebrows
to make him seem extra
tasty, and I think we're done.
[AUGUST] I'm giving him a beef
mustache on top of his real mustache.
Clever! And the trap is baited.
No, your captain says no.
No human bait, no human bait.
Sorry, Bob, the captain
doesn't have voting rights.
- I'll never forget you, captain.
- Oh, my god.
Guys, please untie
me. I don't like this.
[FISCHOEDER] Don't worry, Bob.
We're not gonna let Hubert eat you.
I mean, not all of you.
Just nibble long enough
so that we can grab him and tie him up.
Ten to 15 bites Max.
It's just, the "not it" thing.
I wasn't ready.
Should we count one,
two, three? Do-over?
- [ALL EXCEPT BOB] One, two, three, not it!
- Damn it.
[LINDA] Okay, let's review.
How many drinks do you
have at a cocktail party?
- Depends on your body weight?
- And zodiac sign.
- Your age plus one.
- No, no, no, two and a half.
First one loosens you
up. Second one, nurse it.
Last one, put it down, don't
finish it, you don't need it.
But don't put in on the stereo
or any furniture where it's
gonna leave a little ring.
Make a big show of
looking for a coaster.
- What's a coaster?
- We don't have any.
But some people do. Some people
care about their furniture.
But where where do I put this?
I'm pouring mine in the plant.
No, no, plants don't like sweet drinks.
- Just hard liquor?
- Tina, hold onto it.
Pretend it's your second.
Okay, let me think, what's next?
Ooh, I'm gonna throw my
keys into the key bowl.
I think it's something
grown-ups do when
they want to meet Sigourney Weaver.
I'm loosening my tie.
Dad's missing a wild night.
How did you tie this so well?
You're all so stoned.
I had a friendship bracelet period.
Calvin doesn't wear his.
It just doesn't really
go with anything I own.
- [SHUSHING] Quiet.
- Quiet.
- He sounds hungrier.
Guys, guys, le-let's
do this differently.
May-maybe we dig a
hole? Put a tarp across?
- Oh, but who wants to dig a hole?
I should never have come here.
I just needed a new condenser.
I'm gonna go, uh, put
some more meat on him.
I think we missed a few spots.
Give him a beard. To
go with the mustache.
Here I am,
putting meat on you.
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking your wallet
- in case he kills you.
- What?
Kidding. I'm untying you.
And some meat there,
and some more meat here.
Thank you. But why?
I don't know. Guess
my buzz is wearing off.
And someone needs to cook
breakfast in the morning.
Now Hubert sounds horny?
- Go, go, run.
- Ah! You didn't untie my feet.
- I thought it would be funny.
- Aah!
The bait's getting away!
The bait's getting away!
- Calvin?
- Sorry, fellas!
He's my chef. Food before dudes.
-Let's get 'em! We'll use both as bait!
You hear that, Calvin? You
just joined d'bait club.
[AUGUST] Oh, that's good.
Oh. Oh, boy.
They seemed really ticked off.
I hope they don't vote
me out of the club.
The kicking-out ceremony is brutal.
- So much singing.
- Sorry.
But also, this club
doesn't seem great, so
I can see how the biting thing
has been a bit of a downer.
No, all of it. Your
people. And the way you are.
- And the things you do.
- Quietly run the world?
Really well, with no problems?
We actually have an award party.
We all get trophies. We're gonna
need a chef for that, too, Bob.
Oh, don't worry, it's
a different island.
Oh, my goodness, the boathouse!
- What boathouse?
- The one on the other side
of the island that has a boat in it.
- You're just remembering this now?
- Yes.
Well, it's old. No one uses it.
And, uh and there may
be just a dinghy there,
but still, worth a shot? Row home?
Get to my house tonight
- in time for a nightcap?
I don't think we should go out
in the open ocean in a dinghy.
- In a bad storm.
- Aw, the weather's calming down.
And it's not exactly the open ocean.
Yeah, it is. We're, like, an
hour away from the mainland.
More like five minutes.
Maybe 15 in the dinghy.
Depends on who's rowing. Not it.
What? Then why did it take us so long?
You've never had a
secret island, have you?
You can't blindfold someone and
then go five minutes away.
- I did a few laps.
- Oh, my god.
Well, do you Do you think we could
fit everybody on the dinghy?
Yeah. Anyway, I think I know the way.
Should we talk and walk, but quietly?
Because of the multiple
parties hunting us?
Oh, and while we're walking, maybe,
uh, you can think of a reasonable
partial refund for me
since it looks like you
- won't be cooking breakfast.
- Ugh.
God, I hate that he does that.
No boathouse there. No boathouse there.
I also hate when you do that.
It makes me think that you
don't know where we're going.
Am I thinking of the
right boathouse? Darn.
And now it's starting to seem like
- something I made up.
- What?!
- Well, we had a nice walk, anyway.
- Oh, there it is!
- Oh.
I'm pretty sure this is the boathouse
with the dinghy inside.
Wait, was it a dinghy?
Or was it a disco? Now,
that was a cool boathouse.
- Hey!
- What the
- Quit it! - Ow!
- Geez, Samuel, too far.
Oh, I thought we were doing
the whole whacky-whacky-stick-thing.
Nope? Okay, well, "sorry."
I didn't even feel it.
[BOB] You didn't get hit, I did.
[FISCHOEDER] Oh, well,
- then apology accepted.
- [BOB] Oh, my god.
Guys, I really don't like being tied up.
I tried to express that earlier
when you tied me up the first time.
Tied up twice in the same day.
Is that a record for you? Not for me.
And you people are not listening to me.
There's a boat in the
boathouse. We can use it
to get off the island.
The bait's trying to trick us again.
Sorry, bait.
Might. There might be a boat in there.
Stop saying that!
Can someone just go and look inside?
- All the way over there?
- I'll go.
It's the least bitten thing I can do.
I can't believe you were
gonna leave us, Calvin.
And to think, I was going
to let you taste my llama.
We weren't. We were gonna get everybody.
- Yeah, everybody ish.
- It's here! I call front!
- Wonderful. I call not-next-to-Auggie.
- Hey.
Sorry. It's just, you
know how you are in boats.
Okay, come on, Calvin and Calvin's chef.
- You can hop to the boathouse, right?
- Bye-bye, Babylon island.
See you next year! And
good luck to you, Hubert,
wherever you are.
You'll be getting a bill
from my dermatologist!
No, no, guys. Y-You
can't leave your friend.
- Mmm, "friend"?
- I don't know why we're
- calling him a friend.
- Professional acquaintance.
I am married to his sister.
But can we get going?
Discuss it on the boat?
You you can't leave Hubert.
He could get hurt.
Or possibly die. You would all feel bad.
I won't feel that bad.
Because I will be in my bed.
You got to make some
tough decisions sometimes.
You got to be strong, burger guy.
That's what this island's all about.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sure.
You guys think a little
compassion is weak?
A little decency?
I-It might not be easy,
but it's definitely strong.
That-that's what I think.
Should we just start backing
towards the boathouse?
- Nod and step, nod and step.
I think the self-righteous,
high-horsed burger man is right.
It would be wrong, and not strong,
for us to leave Hubert behind.
- Hey. - Whoa.
- Oh.
And I have an idea that I hate,
but you will all like.
[SAMUEL] He's right.
I really do like it.
- He's just good bait.
- I know.
I kind of want to eat him.
tie-up of the day, Bob.
- You've tied my tie-up record.
- Thank you.
Oh, here he comes. And now he's nude.
He's in good shape, isn't he?
Everyone ready? Everyone
ready with the tarp?
You guys don't look ready.
- Where is the tarp?
- Oh, right, the tarp.
- Where did we put that?
- Oh, my god.
- Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.
- What are you doing in here?
We're practicing how to get
out of a boring conversation.
Which is actually really
fun. You should come back.
I can't, mom, I can't.
I don't know how I'm gonna
remember all this stuff.
I'm never gonna be able to be an adult.
A-And no one is ever gonna want me
at their cocktail party.
How am I gonna remember to come
a half-hour late, use a
coaster, don't double-dip,
ask people questions about themselves,
two and a half drink Max,
make sure the bathroom door is locked
before you pee, thank the host
and don't be the last one out?
It's too much. I can't remember it all!
Tina, that was everything
from top to bottom.
- You did it.
- I did?
Did the party move in here?
- Yeah, this is where the cool kids are.
- Where are they hiding?
Now teach us how to
make nice with the cops
when they come about the noise.
Ooh, yeah, let's do that one.
I'll be the cops. What's going on here?!
Hello, officer, does this dance
make you want to join the party?
Oh, wow, yeah. That changes everything.
- This seems realistic.
- Sorry again about your arm, Bob, is it?
- Yup.
Just send me the doctor's
bill like the rest of them.
Does anyone else want
to go get ice cream?
- Yes.
- Ooh, ice cream.
- Love this guy
- My treat.
- Anyone have any extra pants?
- I'd like to go home.
No. You know where the
secret island is now.
I'm afraid we have to kill you.
- What?!
- [FISCHOEDER] Kidding.
But you do have to come for ice cream.
It won't be any fun without you.
[RANDOLPH] Yeah, who will
we fling our sprinkles at?
[BOB] Oh, great.
Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding,
ring-a-ding-ding ♪
Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding ♪
Ring-a-ding-ding ♪

- [LINDA] Ding-dong.
- [TINA] Hello.
[LINDA] Hi, honey. I'm 30 minutes early.
Here's a bottle of wine that
someone gave me as a gift.
Is that what you're gonna wear tonight?
Aren't you gonna put on music?
Can I help out with snacks or anything?
No? Okay. Can I see what
you have in the fridge?
I haven't had dinner. Also, I blocked
your neighbor's driveway.
He's cool, right?
He's cool, right? He's cool, right?
He's cool, right? He's cool, right?
- He's cool, right? He's cool, right?
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