Bob's Burgers s14e07 Episode Script

The (Raccoon) King and I

- Unbelievable.
- What's unbelievable?
My skin? I've been moisturizing.
I think dad's talking about
the gigantic stage they built
in front of our restaurant
for the block party.
- Oh.
- But nice skin, Gene.
- It's really shiny.
- Even on my heinie.
They were supposed to
build it in front of Mort's.
We were gonna have a
perfect view of the stage.
[TEDDY] I'll bet Mort
pulled some strings.
Embalmed all the right people.
I was actually looking
forward to this block party.
I like The Soul Breezers.
Soul Breezers? Isn't
that the wine cooler
mom complains she can't find anymore?
No, The Soul Breezers, the band.
They've been around since the '70s.
Kind of inspiring that
they've been going that long.
Even though they haven't
had a hit since back then.
Well, they really only had the one hit.
- What was the hit?
- It was called "gas in my car."
Gas, gas, in, in ♪
my, my, car, car ♪
I'm gonna get to
you. pretty romantic.
Also there was a gas crisis back then,
so it worked on a lot of levels.
I only count one level.
Oh, wait, two. Nice.
Well, I am in a crisis
right now, father.
Our living room window was supposed
to look out onto the stage.
The best seats in the house,
literally. And I sold tickets.
You did what?
Yeah, there are kids
who will pay good money
to watch a free concert from up there.
- Three kids.
- Four if you count
Andy and Ollie as separate people.
Wait, why are kids
coming to our living room
to see a band from the '70s?
Dad, these are children who
have never seen a concert before.
All I had to tell them was, the
higher above the stage you are,
the more glorious the experience.
And that our living room was
gonna be like a luxury box,
with unobstructed views at one
of the premier outdoor events
to be held in our lifetimes.
- The bidding was fierce.
- What'd you charge them?
Let's just say they have candy,
I have enamel that
needs to be dissolved.
- We made an arrangement.
- Mm.
And I'm helping out in
exchange for ten percent.
Which means I get to
bite off ten percent
of each piece of candy.
- Gross but fair.
- But now we're screwed.
I just looked at the stage
from every window upstairs,
and the only way you can see
at all is by squeezing your face
against the window in Gene's room
and closing one eye
while you stand on tiptoe.
It also helps to hold your
breath, or the glass fogs up.
So, you have to close
one eye and not breathe.
Sounds like a good time.
Well, I'm gonna make the most of today.
I've always been one of those
people that claps at concerts
The two concerts that I've been to,
one of which I stood outside of
But today I might try out a whoo.
- Whoo.
- Eh.
- Whoo ?
- Hmm.
- Whoo-oo-oo.
- Getting there?
- Sort of.
- You know what?
This-this will be good.
We'll get a little business maybe,
and The Soul Breezers are great.
And hearing them but not seeing them
will be fine.
Just like listening to
a record that's playing
on speakers that are
facing away from us.
Well, I'm mad at The Soul Breezers.
I know it's not their
fault, but I still am.
- They're just too breezy.
- Hey. Don't mind me.
I'm just grabbing some buns
for Little King Trashmouth.
And a coffee. For me. The
king only drinks decaf.
And wine. Full-bodied reds.
- How's he doing?
- You've been out there all morning.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure you love us
more than that raccoon,
but sometimes I wonder.
I'm okay with little king
trashmouth being her favorite.
He has those expressive
hands. Like Jeff Goldblum.
Oh, hush. Of course
I love you guys more.
Pretty sure. No, no, I do, I do.
- Phew.
- The King's hanging in there.
I don't know if his paw is
broken or sprained or what.
Damn it, why didn't I study
to be a raccoon doctor?
That world is so cutthroat.
- Okay, I'm going back out.
- I'm gonna go with you.
I don't want Little
King Trashmouth to think
I only show up for him
during the good times.
Well, we better go upstairs
to try to put some lipstick
on this block party poop show.
Figure out which pieces
of laundry in your room
are too terrible to leave lying around.
Not the ones you'd expect.
Okay, just, everybody remember
that we are also running
a restaurant today.
Right? And I'm gonna need some help
- because I don't know
How long your mom's gonna be doing.
- raccoon stuff.
- Tina, where are you going?
- To
check on Little King Trashmouth?
Okay, but you're coming back, right?
- Yup, yup, totally.
- Tina?
Not the last you've seen of old Tina.
[FAKE CHUCKLE] Okay, bye.
[SIGHS] And then he was alone.
- Poor guy.
- Yeah, licking his hurt paw.
I don't think that's gonna fix it, king.
He's sweet, but he's dumb.
I saw him limp in there.
I can't think of a sadder thing
than that little guy limping.
Oh, I just thought of one.
Ooh, I just thought of another one.
Ooh. Ooh, they're coming
fast and furious. Ooh.
Hi, Mr. Huggins.
He's holding it together,
but he's hurting.
- Where do you think Gary is?
- I don't know.
Off on one of his
raccoon business trips?
I know they're not
really business trips,
but that's what I call them
when he goes to other dumpsters.
Well, hopefully he comes back soon.
Little King Trashmouth needs
his support network right now.
- Who's Gary, again?
- Little King Trashmouth's husband.
Oh, crap. I've been calling him Greg.
The names are close. I'm
sure he gets that a lot.
Well, we got to help this little guy.
We got to stay focused. You, too, king.
Licking your paw. Less
licking, more kicking.
- He gets it.
- Does he?
He didn't like the buns.
Should I get him soup?
That's nice when you're sick.
No, I'm not gonna get him soup.
I'll find something.
Oh, also, I'm gonna pee.
- Okay, Linda.
- Sounds good.
Thanks for not peeing in the alley.
It's always nice when someone down there
resists the temptation.
One candy, two candy, three candy.
You, sir, are good to go.
Also, you're early.
You're the first one here.
But it's fine. We can seat you now.
Dad says you should
never miss the opener.
They're the stars of tomorrow, today.
Besides, it's my first
concert. I'm so pumped.
Yeah, well, it's gonna be great.
- Right this way, sir.
- Ah, yes. Our Usher.
Welcome to the premium
platinum superfan suite,
aka rump-shakers' paradise.
[RUDY] Huh. Can you see the
band at all from up here?
Of course you can. You just have to
Smush your face to the side
of the window, like so
- See?
- Oh.
- Right?
- Uh-huh.
- It's like you're practically onstage.
- I-I guess.
- Sometimes I nap like this.
I'm back. I got a pickle.
Let's see if raccoons like pickles.
A pickle a day is,
um, good for raccoons?
[LINDA] Also, I made a call.
I felt like we should
bring in a professional
to help out our little king.
- Who'd you call?
- Animal control.
I figure they'll know what to do.
Wait, you called animal control?
- Yeah, why?
- What did you say to 'em?
I just told them about the hurt paw,
and they asked if the
animal seemed lethargic,
and I said, "yeah, kinda,
I mean his paw is hurt.
- Wouldn't you be, too?"
- Hmm.
- What?
- Uh,
animal control isn't who you call
when you want to help an animal.
They're more in the business
of dealing with animals.
That's why they call it "control."
"Dealing" with animals?
What do you mean?
Like disciplining them?
Giving them time-outs?
- Wait, what?!
- No.
I think that's right, yeah.
I've seen 'em on when animals attack!
- They have a lot of nets.
- And a lot of sticks with the loops.
- And a lot of tranquilizer darts.
And then the animal
just goes night-night.
Wh-wh-why would they do that?
Oh, my god. They said they'd
send someone right away.
- Call back! Call back!
- Ooh. There's the first band.
[WEAKLY] Whoo I'll-I'll work on it.
Well, can't you just tell
the animal control officers not to come?
I-I don't think it was a raccoon.
At all. Uh, I think
it was just a a wig.
Someone's old wig shaking in the wind.
What? No, you don't
understand how this works.
Wait, don't hang up. [GROANS]
Why? Why ?
How'd it go?
It's happening.
They say the truck's coming
and she's not gonna call them off.
I can't believe it.
I just signed Little King Trashmouth's
frigging death warrant.
And I'm like his human godmother.
And I love him. Oh, I'm a bad person.
Mom, there's got to
be something we can do.
Oh, it's too late. They're on their way.
The king is dead. Dead 'cause of me.
No, no, no, Linda, don't be like that.
We can, uh we can catch
Little King Trashmouth ourselves,
- before animal control gets here.
- Wha ?
If they can't find him,
they can't take him, right?
- Maybe, yeah?
- Well, then, what are we waiting for?
Maybe some training on
handling injured raccoons?
So we don't get clawed or, or bitten?
A lot? No? Yeah, it's probably fine.
Hey, Bob, I'm gonna get a
raccoon box from the basement.
All right, I'll just take
care of everything in here.
Ooh, can I order some fries?
Ah, never mind, i-I'll just smell 'em.
- [SNIFFS] Mmm.
Hi, welcome. Here's a menu.
I'll have, uh, the
burger of the day, please.
Uh, okay, great.
Sorry, uh, are you
with one of the bands?
Yeah. The Soul Breezers.
How did you know?
'Cause you look like a music guy.
- You have a hat.
- Well, thank you for noticing.
I'm their road manager. I'm Ian.
Oh, hi, I'm Bob. The
Soul Breezers are great.
I love their song. I
mean, their multiple songs.
- That I know.
- Mm.
Also, it's kind of amazing.
After all these years,
they're still out there
doing what they love.
- It's inspiring.
- Ha.
Why "ha"?
- Why two ha's?
- I wouldn't say they love it.
- You wouldn't? Why?
- Because they're miserable.
- Oh.
- And broke.
- As am I.
- Oh.
I wrote all about it in my memoir
Soul Tales from Beyond the Breeze.
Still looking for a publisher
and maybe a computer so
I can actually write it.
If you have a spare
computer, let me know.
- I-I don't think I do.
- Huh, pity.
Are these napkins free to take?
- Lot of spills on the bus.
- Uh sure.
And of course toilet paper isn't cheap.
Ooh, this is good stuff.
[QUIETLY] Okay, Tina,
you stand on that side,
and I'll stand on this side.
If he tries to go that way,
make noise and send him back to me.
- Okay.
- Then I'll get him with the blanket.
I couldn't find a box, but
a blanket's fine, right?
Um, I'm a little concerned?
And, Teddy, on the count of three,
you pull back the dumpster.
Yup, yup. I'm not
totally sure I can move
a heavy steel dumpster
with just my hands,
- but maybe I'll get super strength, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just need to get
it out like ten inches.
You're doing the lord's work there.
- Thanks, Mr. Huggins.
- But just to say it,
he's gonna bite you.
Is that what you're going for?
- Uh
- It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Ooh, I can see his foot better.
It has a splinter in it.
He's almost got it out.
I guess that licking was smart.
Sorry, King. Ooh, he got it out.
All right, here we go. One
- Uh
- Two Tina, no. Nuh-uh.
- Sorry. - Three.
- [GRUNTS] Oh.
It's not that hard. Good
wheels on this thing.
Here, King. I'm not gonna hurt you.
I mean, you're already
hurt. You know what I mean.
- Yah.
- He's getting away.
- [TINA] Uh-oh.
No! I missed him. Ah.
Animal control will be here any minute.
But the splinter.
We-we can tell them
it was just a splinter.
But he got it out. So, no evidence.
Now he's just a limpy, cranky raccoon.
- Oh, no.
- But he's running away,
so animal control still probably
won't be able to find him.
- She's right.
- They won't know where he went.
They can torture us all they want.
- We're not gonna talk.
- I guess.
Unless they do fingernails or eyes.
I-I can't handle anything in my eyes.
- Or sleep deprivation. I need my eight.
- I won't talk.
Unless they try to bribe
me with some macaroons.
[GASPS] Oh, I love macaroons.
If they have macaroons [CHUCKLES]
Y'all gonna have to forgive me.
[WHISPERING] I feel like we
should get our candy back
Not sure what's going on in there.
They're not doing any face-smushing.
Yeah, what's wrong with them?
Uh, what's happening?
Where are you going?
The show's just getting started.
Sorry, Louise. We were talking, and
Maybe it'd be easier to watch
the concert from the street?
Where we could have a
clear view of the stage?
From the street? Yeah, I've got news.
When you're our size
there's no such thing
as a "clear view of the stage."
You'll be out there watching
the tall person butt show.
And, my friends, you
won't want an encore.
I can get on Ollie's shoulders.
And I can get on Andy's shoulders.
Maybe I'll hop on their shoulders?
So, this is awkward.
- Can we have our candy back?
- You cannot have it back.
I mean, yes, you can,
if that's what you want,
but instead how about an upgrade?
- [GENE] Huh? - An upgrade?
- What kind of upgrade?
Uh, how do you like the sound
of an all-access backstage pass?
[COUGHS] Sort of. Look.
The real show's happening back there.
We're talking human drama. Crazy stuff.
- Drugs, maybe.
- [ARNOLD] Wow.
That guy at the snack
table sure seems to like
what I think is black licorice?
As addictive as any narcotic.
Huh, that lady's blowing
her nose really hard.
Let me see.
She really knows her
way around a tissue.
Yup, insiders-only stuff right there.
So, what do you say
we bring over the seats
- and, uh, keep the show rolling?
- I don't know.
- We'll throw in snacks.
- Eh
And other perks to be named later.
- Free Pelotons.
- Not free Pelotons.
How about we get to
sleep in your bathtub?
Oh, my god. Yes.
Uh okay?
- [BOTH] Yay!
- As a guy with allergies,
I'm invested in this nose-blowing lady.
Ha. Very good.
Gene, get the chairs. And you know what?
Throw in a few of our
cushiest seat cushions.
- You mean mom and dad's pillows?
- Exactly.
Uh, Linda, are-are you coming out here?
Do you want me to go in there and cook?
- No, no, I'm cooking.
- I mean, I think you're just
pushing onions around
on the cutting board?
Yeah, yeah, that's part of the process.
Oh, god, they're here.
- Oh, no.
- I'll go talk to them.
Okay. Thanks for doing
that to the onion.
Afternoon. Are you the one
who called about a raccoon?
No. Goodbye.
Good luck with the controlling animals.
- Uh - Mom?
- Linda. Calm.
Sorry, I mean, that was us.
Yeah. But it was, uh
Ha. It's a funny story.
- How so?
- I saw a dog.
And I thought it was a raccoon.
- Ha! Silly Linda.
- A dog?
Yup, just a dog. Total dog.
He had a bone and a
collar. A waggly tail.
- He was barking.
- He was.
- And licking himself.
- Very true.
So there is no raccoon
out in the daytime
- appearing injured?
- Nope.
- Uh-uh. -
No, officer.
Okay, then what is that?
- [LINDA] Oh, no.
- [TEDDY] Ah!
[OFFICER] Hmm. He's limping.
- Could be distemper.
- No. He has great temper.
It was a splinter in his foot.
But it fell out.
I'm not just saying that to protect him.
You got to believe me.
I'm a normal, believable person, right?
I need to check it out.
No, no, no. No pole. No pole.
Uh it keeps me safe from the animal?
Also, it's my lucky pole.
I get 'em every time with this thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh. He's gone.
Oh, well. Thanks for coming by.
- Can't catch 'em all.
- Oh, no. I catch 'em all.
Everyone at work hates me 'cause of it.
That, and I correct everyone's grammar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Don't go, don't go.
Oh, my god. We can't let her
find Little King Trashmouth.
Did anyone see where he went?
- No. Sorry.
- Me neither.
I was distracted by how
that pole looks like
Not a noose, but a little bit?
Oh What do we do now?
Maybe Mr. Huggins saw where he went.
Shoot. He's gone.
Probably went to that concert.
I hope he's dancing for all of us.
But also he's got that bad hip.
Maybe he's dancing on his left leg.
Maybe we could find
Little King Trashmouth
- before she does?
- I don't know.
- Lot of alleys.
- We could split up.
I could follow her
and I'll shout if she finds him?
Right. Uh, good.
Uh, d-d-don't let her catch him.
But if she does, uh, just shout.
Okay, what do I shout, what do I shout?
Uh, just say, uh, you won the lottery.
- And you're excited.
- Okay.
All right, I could take that alley,
- and you take the other one?
- Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Actually, can we switch alleys?
I just like this one better.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
And there's the endless
travel to shabby little towns.
- No offense.
- None taken.
I mean, some taken.
And we sleep in tiny coffin-like beds
on a bus that seems to
somehow store farts forever.
But there must be some
reason they keep going.
Sure. The fact that there's nothing else
that they could do for money.
Right. But, you know,
people enjoy their music?
That must make it all feel worth it.
Oh, you mean the one song
that they wrote a million years ago?
Yeah, imagine if you did one thing,
one good thing, sure,
but one thing over and
over and over and over
for the rest of your life.
Can you picture what a
- nightmare that would be?
- Um
That's what happens to a
dream when you cling to it.
You can end up hating it
but doing it anyway because
what the hell else are you gonna do?
- Right.
- Anyhoo, I wasn't gonna order soft serve,
but now I kind of want soft serve.
Do you give out free
samples? I would need 12.
- I'll just give you a cup.
- Thank you.
Best thing that's happened
to me all tour, huh?
It's going in my book.
Ah, the breezers are starting their set.
- Do you need to go back outside?
- Not really.
It's a well-oiled
machine at this point.
A well-oiled, sad,
soul-crushing machine.
[LOUISE] Enjoying the show, folks?
[RUDY] That guy down there has been
coiling a cable for like half an hour.
I know, right? It's mesmerizing.
How long is that
cable? When will it end?
- It ended. - Aw.
- I miss it.
And how about that music, huh?
Isn't it more fun to imagine
what the band is doing?
T-shirts. Get your t-shirts.
This one's 30% cotton, but 100% rocking.
Is that magic marker?
- What makes you say that?
- My eyes.
Look, you could pay 25
bucks for a shirt down there
or three bucks' worth of candy up here.
Also, good luck finding youth sizes.
Or fun magic marker fragrances.
I guess I'll take a shirt. Youth medium.
All right. Wear it proudly,
my medium-sized friend.
Anybody else? Ooh, this
one comes with free
What I think might be cheese crumbs.
Where is he? Where is he?
King, it's Linda.
Your friend, your best human friend.
Mr. Mouth. Mr. Trashmouth. Or King.
I don't know what you like to be called.
Please don't be in this
alley, Mr. Little King.
I hope you went to the beach,
or you hopped on a freight train
and you're learning to play
the harmonica right now.
- Aha.
Okay. I'm coming towards you.
I'm just walking over there
to show you this funny
video on my phone.
Oh, no. I won the lottery.
I won the lottery. I can't believe it.
Does anyone want to share
it? Uh, come on over here.
- To me.
- Oh, boy.
Oh, my god, good for Tina.
No, wait. That's the distraction.
Right, right, right,
right, right. That's bad.
[PANTING] Whoops. Sorry.
Oh, god. Sorry. Sorry.
- [LINDA] Oh, no. King.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Ooh, on the good leg. On the good leg.
I'm sorry, King. I did this.
I'm the reason you're
gonna die. I'm the worst.
I wish it was me and not you.
Okay, not that far, but
I don't know how I'm gonna
live with myself after this.
Maybe we use some of my lottery money
to buy a helicopter and fly in?
I'm so confused right now.
Is that lottery stuff real?
I don't know!
Maybe just let me do my job,
protecting the public
from diseased wildlife?
I failed you.
And I'm never gonna
forgive myself, never, ever.
[SIGHS] Got to get my head in the game.
Think, Linda, think.
Hi, Barry, just passing through.
Oh wine lady?
Uh, yeah, it's Linda. You
can call me that, though.
You want anything? Merlot?
Ooh, Merlot. Uh, later, later.
Can I borrow one of these? Can
I open this door real quick?
- I'm not gonna hurt you.
As far as you know.
- What the ?
Thanks, Barry. Just got
to take this box home.
There's no wine in it, just a raccoon.
Raccoon box coming through.
Ooh, good song. I like it. Funky.
[IAN] Imagine if you did
one thing over and over
and over for the rest of your life.
Can you picture what a
nightmare that would be?
[ECHOING] Be? Be? Be?
- Bob.
- Yeah?
- They're playing "Gas In My Car."
- Oh.
Thought you might
want to watch this one.
From where I'm sitting
you can see the band.
- Sort of. Sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
I can kind of make
out one of their arms.
Wrinkly biceps.
Hey, I know this one.
My dad has it on his playlist
of songs he wants me to like.
- Do you like it?
- Oh, sure.
My dad has great taste.
He told me so, himself.
Maybe it's just the magic
marker smell making me dizzy,
but I'm into this.
This song makes me want
to shake my potty parts.
They're all potty parts, honey.
- Yeah.
- Hey, dancing's extra.
Just kidding, go nuts.
- What a day, huh, officer?
- Darn raccoons, am I right?
Or dogs. Who even knows which is which?
Yeah, well. I'm moving
on to another call.
See you later.
I mean, we won't see you later probably,
but it's a thing that people
say to each other, I think.
Yup. Goodbye.
She's gone. She's gone, right?
- Is she gone?
- Mom. Oh, my god, you did it.
Linda, you saved the king.
You're gonna get knighted.
I mean, you almost got him killed.
But then you redeemed
yourself. How's he doing?
Okay, I think. Want to say hi?
- Hi.
Stepping away from
you. Nothing personal.
[CHUCKLES] He's just
a little rambunctious.
Wait, is that ?
- [ALL] Gary.
- Whoa. Uh-oh. He's getting out.
In my car ♪
I'm gonna get to you ♪
King's limping less. Huh.
His paw can't be bothering him too much
if he's able to do that.
Should we, uh, give 'em their privacy?
- Whoo!
- Nice whoo, Tina.
Huh. They kinda look
like they're having fun.
Well, of course they're having fun.
Really? You said they were miserable.
- Well, they are.
- Then
- I-I don't get it.
- Well, there are moments.
You know, when the band locks in,
the crowd is with them,
everything they ever
loved about playing music
comes flooding back
in a rush of pure heavenly
emotion, all that crap.
But all these decades
later, they still have them?
- The-the moments?
- You tell me.
In my car ♪
- let's roll ♪
- I'm gonna ♪
get to you no
matter where you are ♪
gas in my car ♪
Yeah, I-I see it. Okay,
I can deal with that.
- What'd you say?
- Uh, uh, nothing.
Are you okay? Is this ?
Are you having some kind of breakdown?
Oh, uh, no, this is, uh, me dancing?
Oh, yeah. I can sort of see that now.
Hey, dad. What's your body doing?
- Dancing.
- Mm.
We're just grabbing some concessions.
- For the after-party.
- The after-party?
We're doing it for free.
The vibe's really great up there.
- You don't mind, right?
- It's a write-off.
- [BOB] Mm.
- Whew. Sorry, we're back.
- We're back.
- We remembered we have jobs
and we came back to do them.
Also, I saved Little King Trashmouth.
- No big deal.
- Hi, Bob. I'm starving.
Uh, can I get a burger and fries?
Oh, and maybe some fries for
the lovebirds in the alley.
Uh, but give them a few minutes.
I sure am missing you ♪
- I wanna see you soon ♪
If I can't get there ♪
what am I gonna, I gonna do now? ♪
- You should be mine tonight ♪
- mine tonight ♪
- we should be sleeping tight ♪
I'm gonna get there ♪
because you know ♪
- if there's gas ♪
- gas ♪
- in ♪
- in ♪
- my ♪
- my ♪
- car ♪
- car ♪
I'm gonna get to you ♪
no matter where you are ♪
- gas ♪
- gas ♪
- in ♪
- in ♪
- my ♪
- my ♪
- car ♪
- car ♪
I'm gonna roll to you, baby. ♪
W-wait. Oh, no. No, no.
Did I just run out of ga
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