Bravest Warriors (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Dan Before Time

Ladies love this, ladies love this! Yeah! All day long! Did you finish your time machine?! What? You finished your time machine? The hour has come at last, mah brutha.
I'm proud of you, buddy! Now you can go back and save the Dakalax People from that boiling soup storm.
Or you could stop the Lizard-Boys from eating my expensive cheese! That turned them into Lizard-Boys.
No way.
He's probably going to the future to French kiss himself.
Beth, are you daydreaming about my juicy lips again? Mm, lookit 'em, so filled with juice.
Gross! No, I'm traveling into the past to change things for the better.
Remember how when I was little, I lived in the Martian Badlands outside the city? In New Miami, yeah.
What you don't know is, it was there that a cruel pack of little Hackers always used to rag on me, real bad.
The Low Gravity Hacker Pack.
Actually, we do know all of this.
You don't have to explain-- The days when I got to hang with you guys were the shiz.
But there are other memories.
DARK memories that are not the shiz.
Lemme slip into my Ploobien Memory Specs.
Accessing Danny's Childhood.
veryone teased me because, as you may remember, my nipples always showed through my shirt.
It's the WHOLE reason girls weren't super into me back then.
For some reason I just didn't get it.
All I ever wore were hooded, skin tight unitards.
Your unitards were fresh! I scraped all summer for a unitard ten pack to be as fresh as you! They were just jealous.
All I ever wanted to be was a hacker.
But the Low Gravity Hacker lads never invited me to any of their Hacker pot lucks.
ARE YOU HACKING? I AM SO TOTALLY HACKING! The main Hacker was named Hans Christian Teet-Phanters.
Right, and Hans Christian Teet-Phanters stole his dad's garage door opener and hacked it so that every time Hans pressed the button, you'd puke.
There was no escaping that electric Puke Button.
I puked on the night of my big flute solo for the President.
During my first spiritual experience.
The glory! And you puked in your Grandma's mouth the day she got out of jail, we know.
I didn't know.
I thought he just had the flu.
Every day.
I was too ashamed to tell you guys.
I lived in fear.
And you puked at the preemie ward.
On a goat.
On that goat's Grandma.
And I think the button got stuck when I was playing Santa at the homeless shelter.
But what really got me hecka T.
'd is when Low Grav Teet-Phanters and his Miami Hacker Pack destroyed my first science fair project.
So this time machine is all for revenge? When I'm through, no child will ever fear bullying again.
Peep this simulation I made: Hello children.
Now get ready for THIS! Buy yourself some sweaters.
You're gonna PUNT children.
History is about to change! Yeah, yeah! Right on! No! Not at all! Isn't time travel dangerous? What if you create a temporal paradox or something that could like, destroy the fabric of space and time? If anything goes wrong, I can always come back in time, right to this moment and DESTROY the time machine before I ever even use it.
Problem-o solved! Awww, man.
That's dook.
Sorry dude, it doesn't work out.
This happens every time you invent a time machine.
I'm gonna go feed the Lizard-Boys.
Aren't you supposed to disappear now, or cease to exist or something? Yeah.
Oh, here it goes.
Heeere I go.
Ceasing to exist