Cow and Chicken (1997) s01e09 Episode Script
The Ugliest Weenie
1
Mama had a chicken! ♪
Mama had a cow! ♪
Dad was proud. He ♪
didn't care how. ♪
Cow. ♪
Chicken. ♪
Cow and Chicken! ♪
Ha ha ha!
It's good to be
ugly after all.
Finished!
My play is finished.
La la la la la la ♪
All done! Finished! Completed!
Best play in the world!
Aah!
Huh?
Aah!
Hmm
Eech!
"The Ugliest Weenie, a
poetic play by Cow."
This is the stupidest
thing I ever heard!
The Ugliest Weenie. Ha ha ha!
Oh, give it!
Moo!
Hey, look over there! Ha ha ha!
Oh, no! It's Mom!
Hey! Your fly's open.
Huh!
Ha ha ha!
I don't have a fly.
Give it!
Ha ha ha!
Hey, hey, Flem! Hey, Earl!
Wait till you hear the
dumb stuff Cow wrote!
Listen. "Nobody likes me
'cause no one wants me around.
"Before they even pick me
up, people put me down.
"They take one look at me, and
then they turn into a meanie
"because I'm the--" ha ha ha!
"Because I'm the--" ha ha ha!
"Ugliest Weenie!"
Ha ha ha!
That is the most beautiful
sentiment I've ever heard!
What insight!
What sensitivity!
What panache!
Pa--what?
Ahem!
As drama teacher,
I hereby proclaim The Ugliest
Weenie the next school play!
Yay! Way to go, Cow!
Oh, only the most
exciting day of my life.
Now, who wants to play
the title character?
Aah!
Congratulations, Chicken.
You are the ugliest weenie!
Aah!
What you doing?
I'm running away from home.
I do not want to be no
stupid ugly weenie!
I'll tell Mr. Fleur it was
you squirting super glue
on the seats in the
teachers' bathroom.
I couldn't not care less, Cow!
Can I rehearse my
lines for the play?
You can do whatever you want!
I am out of here!
Come on in, Wee-Wee.
Oohhh
Oh, I have always been
crazy for the chicken.
Wee-Wee is the leading
lady in my play.
She'll be the character
who loves the ugliest weenie
and tries to help him.
If she can.
Cow has told me Mr. Fleur wants
you to play the ugliest weenie,
but you refuse.
Oh, are you sure you
won't reconsider?
We would have many
scenes together.
I'll be in the stage crew.
All right, everybody!
Let's try it again,
and this time, try to
feel your weenieness.
Chicken, ready with the hand?
Ready when you are, Mr. Flour.
Mr. Fleur!
Yeah, right.
Oh, we are a pack of weenies
we have no elbows
or kneenies ♪
We're all as beautiful
and handsome as can be ♪
Hey, Flem!
Huh ha ha
What are you doing here?
Didn't you know?
Flem is a weenie--
the ugliest weenie!
Ooh ooh ha ha!
Aah!
Hurt Flem!
Destroy Flem!
Chicken! Careful with the props!
Oh, sorry, Mr. Flour.
You might hurt somebody!
And it's Fleur!
Yes, Mr. Fleur.
Ok, kids, now, remember,
you're begging the big hand
to please select Flem,
the ugliest weenie,
as his next weenie.
Really sell it to me!
Oh, big hand, come
down from above ♪
And pick as your weenie
the one that I love ♪
No, no, no, no, Flem!
Here. Let me show you.
Remember with a flourish!
Ohh!
Aah!
Ow!
Aah uhh
Now, weenies, remember,
you all want to
dance with Wee-Wee,
but she only has eyes
for the ugliest weenie.
Say good-bye, Flem!
Hold it!
Ugliest weenie, pirouette on
your left foot like this.
Aah!
Uh, sorry, Mr. Fleur.
Oh, Mr. Fleur fell
through a trap door!
And you guys didn't
get to do your play.
Oh, we're flat out of time.
Stay tuned after the
commercial break,
and maybe we'll show you
the rest of the play,
or maybe we'll fill the time
up with even more commercials!
Ah ha ha ha!
Whatever.
Quiet on the set!
Action.
Ha ha ha! No, no, Oscar,
you can't have weasel
for Kissing Beast.
He's still filming Naked
Safari in Africa.
Won't be back for a month.
But listen, how about I.R.
Baboon?
Baboon's poised to
become a leading man.
And he's dying to work
with Jean Starlet.
Ooh
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Stupid, crude, embarrassing.
Yes, I've heard all
that, too, but, Oscar,
Baboon deserves a shot.
No, no. I already
told you, Oscar.
Weasel is out of town.
I.M. Weasel!
Ah, Weasel.
Ha ha ha!
Weasel, you're back
a month early!
Yes, well, after I took
over direction of the film,
things moved along a
lot more smoothly.
Hmm. I believe you are speaking
with someone on the phone.
It's Oscar Winner,
the great director.
He wants you to star in Kissing
Beast with Jean Starlet.
Tell him I'll be right over.
Laters.
Ooh! Why always him get leading
part with beautiful actress?
I swear on a stack of mothers,
I find way for to star on movie!
Check it out. It's Weasel!
Oh, hello, Mr. Weasel.
Congratulations on
winning your 68th Oscar.
Mr. Weasel!
Ah, Mr. Weasel,
allow me to introduce you
to Miss Jean Starlet.
Hee hee hee!
Hi.
Enchante.
Ohh!
It's that blasted african veldt.
The place is crawling
with vermin.
My dear Starlet,
please accept my humble apology.
I promise you,
my pelt will be 100% vermin-free
by this afternoon's scene.
Well, all right I guess.
I know how to star
in role for me now.
Ah!
Hello, fellow hard-working
member of the film community.
I need my pelt clean by
2:00 this afternoon.
Not for you to worry.
I do good job.
Ooh cover up nakeds, please!
Why, thank you. 2:00.
2:00.
I.R. Weasel!
Ha ha ha!
Hmm
Holy mackerel! I've been
robbed of my underclothing.
We're ready.
Where's Weasel?
Here!
My, Weasel, you're
looking rather buff.
I go working out at gym.
Ok! Places, everybody!
Und action!
Oh, Rex, you frightened me.
I didn't hear you come in.
Oh! Beautiful night,
this evening.
Good for being with the lady.
Oh, Rex, hold me.
Hold me like you've never
held a woman before.
I never held woman
before like this.
Always wanted. Woman never let.
Who would play such a
hideous trick on me?
I'll retrieve my pelt,
and then I'll get to the bottom
of this ridiculous fiasco.
Dang! I can't find
my pelt anywhere.
Oh, well, guess I'll just
have to make do with this.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I sorry.
I only one dance knowing.
Uh uh
Hey, Bambi, you're heading
for the wrong picture.
No. There's been a mistake.
I am Weasel!
Canada--da da da ♪
Canada--da da da ♪
Canada, Canada ♪
Ow!
Da da daaa ♪
Well, hello there, big antlers.
Eh?
Oh, Rex!
Ahh.
Cut!
That was incredible, Weasel.
Your performance was
raw powerful!
Ohh!
My number is 555-910-1112.
Call me anytime, you animal.
Ahh 555-910-1112.
Call me, animal.
Power. 910-1112, Starlet.
What happened? Me
no remember thing.
Eww!
Ahh hmm
Creep!
Oh! How revolting!
Hmm ah, well
I always did fancy a vacation
in the canadian wilderness. Eh?
What you doing, Chicken?
I'm bee-flying. What
does it look like?
Oh. Can I fly him?
Only men can fly bees.
Ow!
Here's your dumb bee.
Welcome back, weenie lovers.
Had enough commercials?
Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.
You remember.
Cow wrote a play
About weenies!
Chicken thought it was stupid,
and Mr. Fleur fell through
a trap door and got hurt!
And now all the mommies and daddies are
coming to see their little weenies perform.
So get ready for part 3
of The Ugliest Weenie!
Hey, what happened to part two?
Was that Weasel thing part two?
Yes, it was part
two of our show!
Now this is part 3 of the show.
Which is part two of
The Ugliest Weenie!
So what are you
doing in this show?
Nurse! Have this kid removed!
Oh, this is our little
Cow's big night, Dad.
Yes. Tonight, she and
Chicken become thespians.
Oh, honey.
Attention, Weenie cast and crew.
Flem, our leading weenie,
has been struck down
by chicken pox,
and we must find a replacement.
Ooh! Mr. Fleur! Mr. Fleur!
Let me! Let me play Flem's part.
Oh, magnifique!
Thank you, Chicken.
You've saved the show.
Unfortunately, Flem also gave
the chicken pox to Wee-Wee,
but luckily, we already have
our new leading lady, Cow.
Ok, places, everyone!
Oh, we are a pack of weenies ♪
We have no elbows ♪
or kneenies ♪
We're all as beautiful ♪
and handsome as can be ♪
Except for me ♪
Oh, look, Dad, Chicken's
an ugly weenie.
Nobody likes me, ♪
nobody wants me around ♪
We don't want him around ♪
Before they pick me ♪
up, they put me down ♪
Don't pick him ♪
up, put him down ♪
You take one look at me, ♪
and you turn into a meanie ♪
'Cause I'm the ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
He's the ugliest weenie ♪
Ugliest weenie, ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
We don't want ♪
you in our pack ♪
Ugliest weenie, ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
Oh, we wish we could ♪
send you back ♪
No ♪
I won't let you face ♪
this cruel world alone ♪
Ugliest weenie ♪
I have a plan ♪
That will attract ♪
a giant hand ♪
Ugliest eenie ♪
Ugliest weenie ♪
My plan has worked.
You've been chosen.
Good-bye!
Ew!
Sorry, ugly weenie.
I still love you, anyway.
Still old, still ugly ♪
Still pockmarked and unloved ♪
Dimply, unpluckable ♪
It's good to be ♪
ugly after all ♪
Now we can see it's true ♪
It's good to be ♪
ugly after all ♪
Wish we were ugly like you ♪
'Cause when you are ugly ♪
They don't come and stick you ♪
and hold you out over a flame ♪
Oh, it's good to ♪
be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Thank you, thank ♪
you very much ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Every man for himself!
What a shame.
I hope you won't let this
ruin your big evening, Cow.
Oh, no, Mr. Fleur. I'm already
working on my next play.
It's called The
Bravest Tapeworm,
and it has a big
part for Chicken.
Aah!
Oh, Chicken, don't!
Didn't you remember
Mom always says
we should never run into a
burning school auditorium?
Gee, it must have
slipped my mind.
Mama had a chicken! ♪
Mama had a cow! ♪
Dad was proud. He ♪
didn't care how. ♪
Cow. ♪
Chicken. ♪
Cow and Chicken! ♪
Ha ha ha!
It's good to be
ugly after all.
Finished!
My play is finished.
La la la la la la ♪
All done! Finished! Completed!
Best play in the world!
Aah!
Huh?
Aah!
Hmm
Eech!
"The Ugliest Weenie, a
poetic play by Cow."
This is the stupidest
thing I ever heard!
The Ugliest Weenie. Ha ha ha!
Oh, give it!
Moo!
Hey, look over there! Ha ha ha!
Oh, no! It's Mom!
Hey! Your fly's open.
Huh!
Ha ha ha!
I don't have a fly.
Give it!
Ha ha ha!
Hey, hey, Flem! Hey, Earl!
Wait till you hear the
dumb stuff Cow wrote!
Listen. "Nobody likes me
'cause no one wants me around.
"Before they even pick me
up, people put me down.
"They take one look at me, and
then they turn into a meanie
"because I'm the--" ha ha ha!
"Because I'm the--" ha ha ha!
"Ugliest Weenie!"
Ha ha ha!
That is the most beautiful
sentiment I've ever heard!
What insight!
What sensitivity!
What panache!
Pa--what?
Ahem!
As drama teacher,
I hereby proclaim The Ugliest
Weenie the next school play!
Yay! Way to go, Cow!
Oh, only the most
exciting day of my life.
Now, who wants to play
the title character?
Aah!
Congratulations, Chicken.
You are the ugliest weenie!
Aah!
What you doing?
I'm running away from home.
I do not want to be no
stupid ugly weenie!
I'll tell Mr. Fleur it was
you squirting super glue
on the seats in the
teachers' bathroom.
I couldn't not care less, Cow!
Can I rehearse my
lines for the play?
You can do whatever you want!
I am out of here!
Come on in, Wee-Wee.
Oohhh
Oh, I have always been
crazy for the chicken.
Wee-Wee is the leading
lady in my play.
She'll be the character
who loves the ugliest weenie
and tries to help him.
If she can.
Cow has told me Mr. Fleur wants
you to play the ugliest weenie,
but you refuse.
Oh, are you sure you
won't reconsider?
We would have many
scenes together.
I'll be in the stage crew.
All right, everybody!
Let's try it again,
and this time, try to
feel your weenieness.
Chicken, ready with the hand?
Ready when you are, Mr. Flour.
Mr. Fleur!
Yeah, right.
Oh, we are a pack of weenies
we have no elbows
or kneenies ♪
We're all as beautiful
and handsome as can be ♪
Hey, Flem!
Huh ha ha
What are you doing here?
Didn't you know?
Flem is a weenie--
the ugliest weenie!
Ooh ooh ha ha!
Aah!
Hurt Flem!
Destroy Flem!
Chicken! Careful with the props!
Oh, sorry, Mr. Flour.
You might hurt somebody!
And it's Fleur!
Yes, Mr. Fleur.
Ok, kids, now, remember,
you're begging the big hand
to please select Flem,
the ugliest weenie,
as his next weenie.
Really sell it to me!
Oh, big hand, come
down from above ♪
And pick as your weenie
the one that I love ♪
No, no, no, no, Flem!
Here. Let me show you.
Remember with a flourish!
Ohh!
Aah!
Ow!
Aah uhh
Now, weenies, remember,
you all want to
dance with Wee-Wee,
but she only has eyes
for the ugliest weenie.
Say good-bye, Flem!
Hold it!
Ugliest weenie, pirouette on
your left foot like this.
Aah!
Uh, sorry, Mr. Fleur.
Oh, Mr. Fleur fell
through a trap door!
And you guys didn't
get to do your play.
Oh, we're flat out of time.
Stay tuned after the
commercial break,
and maybe we'll show you
the rest of the play,
or maybe we'll fill the time
up with even more commercials!
Ah ha ha ha!
Whatever.
Quiet on the set!
Action.
Ha ha ha! No, no, Oscar,
you can't have weasel
for Kissing Beast.
He's still filming Naked
Safari in Africa.
Won't be back for a month.
But listen, how about I.R.
Baboon?
Baboon's poised to
become a leading man.
And he's dying to work
with Jean Starlet.
Ooh
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Stupid, crude, embarrassing.
Yes, I've heard all
that, too, but, Oscar,
Baboon deserves a shot.
No, no. I already
told you, Oscar.
Weasel is out of town.
I.M. Weasel!
Ah, Weasel.
Ha ha ha!
Weasel, you're back
a month early!
Yes, well, after I took
over direction of the film,
things moved along a
lot more smoothly.
Hmm. I believe you are speaking
with someone on the phone.
It's Oscar Winner,
the great director.
He wants you to star in Kissing
Beast with Jean Starlet.
Tell him I'll be right over.
Laters.
Ooh! Why always him get leading
part with beautiful actress?
I swear on a stack of mothers,
I find way for to star on movie!
Check it out. It's Weasel!
Oh, hello, Mr. Weasel.
Congratulations on
winning your 68th Oscar.
Mr. Weasel!
Ah, Mr. Weasel,
allow me to introduce you
to Miss Jean Starlet.
Hee hee hee!
Hi.
Enchante.
Ohh!
It's that blasted african veldt.
The place is crawling
with vermin.
My dear Starlet,
please accept my humble apology.
I promise you,
my pelt will be 100% vermin-free
by this afternoon's scene.
Well, all right I guess.
I know how to star
in role for me now.
Ah!
Hello, fellow hard-working
member of the film community.
I need my pelt clean by
2:00 this afternoon.
Not for you to worry.
I do good job.
Ooh cover up nakeds, please!
Why, thank you. 2:00.
2:00.
I.R. Weasel!
Ha ha ha!
Hmm
Holy mackerel! I've been
robbed of my underclothing.
We're ready.
Where's Weasel?
Here!
My, Weasel, you're
looking rather buff.
I go working out at gym.
Ok! Places, everybody!
Und action!
Oh, Rex, you frightened me.
I didn't hear you come in.
Oh! Beautiful night,
this evening.
Good for being with the lady.
Oh, Rex, hold me.
Hold me like you've never
held a woman before.
I never held woman
before like this.
Always wanted. Woman never let.
Who would play such a
hideous trick on me?
I'll retrieve my pelt,
and then I'll get to the bottom
of this ridiculous fiasco.
Dang! I can't find
my pelt anywhere.
Oh, well, guess I'll just
have to make do with this.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I sorry.
I only one dance knowing.
Uh uh
Hey, Bambi, you're heading
for the wrong picture.
No. There's been a mistake.
I am Weasel!
Canada--da da da ♪
Canada--da da da ♪
Canada, Canada ♪
Ow!
Da da daaa ♪
Well, hello there, big antlers.
Eh?
Oh, Rex!
Ahh.
Cut!
That was incredible, Weasel.
Your performance was
raw powerful!
Ohh!
My number is 555-910-1112.
Call me anytime, you animal.
Ahh 555-910-1112.
Call me, animal.
Power. 910-1112, Starlet.
What happened? Me
no remember thing.
Eww!
Ahh hmm
Creep!
Oh! How revolting!
Hmm ah, well
I always did fancy a vacation
in the canadian wilderness. Eh?
What you doing, Chicken?
I'm bee-flying. What
does it look like?
Oh. Can I fly him?
Only men can fly bees.
Ow!
Here's your dumb bee.
Welcome back, weenie lovers.
Had enough commercials?
Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.
You remember.
Cow wrote a play
About weenies!
Chicken thought it was stupid,
and Mr. Fleur fell through
a trap door and got hurt!
And now all the mommies and daddies are
coming to see their little weenies perform.
So get ready for part 3
of The Ugliest Weenie!
Hey, what happened to part two?
Was that Weasel thing part two?
Yes, it was part
two of our show!
Now this is part 3 of the show.
Which is part two of
The Ugliest Weenie!
So what are you
doing in this show?
Nurse! Have this kid removed!
Oh, this is our little
Cow's big night, Dad.
Yes. Tonight, she and
Chicken become thespians.
Oh, honey.
Attention, Weenie cast and crew.
Flem, our leading weenie,
has been struck down
by chicken pox,
and we must find a replacement.
Ooh! Mr. Fleur! Mr. Fleur!
Let me! Let me play Flem's part.
Oh, magnifique!
Thank you, Chicken.
You've saved the show.
Unfortunately, Flem also gave
the chicken pox to Wee-Wee,
but luckily, we already have
our new leading lady, Cow.
Ok, places, everyone!
Oh, we are a pack of weenies ♪
We have no elbows ♪
or kneenies ♪
We're all as beautiful ♪
and handsome as can be ♪
Except for me ♪
Oh, look, Dad, Chicken's
an ugly weenie.
Nobody likes me, ♪
nobody wants me around ♪
We don't want him around ♪
Before they pick me ♪
up, they put me down ♪
Don't pick him ♪
up, put him down ♪
You take one look at me, ♪
and you turn into a meanie ♪
'Cause I'm the ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
He's the ugliest weenie ♪
Ugliest weenie, ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
We don't want ♪
you in our pack ♪
Ugliest weenie, ♪
ugliest weenie ♪
Oh, we wish we could ♪
send you back ♪
No ♪
I won't let you face ♪
this cruel world alone ♪
Ugliest weenie ♪
I have a plan ♪
That will attract ♪
a giant hand ♪
Ugliest eenie ♪
Ugliest weenie ♪
My plan has worked.
You've been chosen.
Good-bye!
Ew!
Sorry, ugly weenie.
I still love you, anyway.
Still old, still ugly ♪
Still pockmarked and unloved ♪
Dimply, unpluckable ♪
It's good to be ♪
ugly after all ♪
Now we can see it's true ♪
It's good to be ♪
ugly after all ♪
Wish we were ugly like you ♪
'Cause when you are ugly ♪
They don't come and stick you ♪
and hold you out over a flame ♪
Oh, it's good to ♪
be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Thank you, thank ♪
you very much ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Good to be ugly after all ♪
Every man for himself!
What a shame.
I hope you won't let this
ruin your big evening, Cow.
Oh, no, Mr. Fleur. I'm already
working on my next play.
It's called The
Bravest Tapeworm,
and it has a big
part for Chicken.
Aah!
Oh, Chicken, don't!
Didn't you remember
Mom always says
we should never run into a
burning school auditorium?
Gee, it must have
slipped my mind.