Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e04 Episode Script
Mall Cop
1
Man! Do I love shopping for your Mom!
What do you think?
Will she like the boots or the flats?
Good idea! I'll take them both!
What's next, Cow?
Well, Mom needs lipstick,
underwear, shoes
panty hose.
Dad?
Yeah?
Can we go to the arcade now?
In a minute, son.
Which one does Mom usually get?
Sheer leg, or industrial support?
Sheer leg.
Dad? I'm hungry.
Can we get pork butts on a stick?
Yes, yes, soon.
Okay, does Mom prefer stripes or crabs?
Crabs.
Now are we done?
Check the list! Check the list!
Shoes, panty hose, skirt, manicure.
I'm a man! You kids pay for this stuff.
I'm off to the salon!
One left shoe.
Crab skirt.
Designer aviator goggles.
Wait!
I have a coupon for that.
Thank you!
Have a nice day.
I'll never get to go to the arcade.
Security!
Security!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Oh, man! It's the heat!
But this is not right!
I paid for these things!
We gotta make a run for it!
Bee-boo, bee-boo!
Stop thieves!
Quick, he's coming!
Out of the way! Stand back!
Mall Cop Security Emergency!
Geez, Cow! What'd you steal?
I did not steal nothing.
Arrest that Cow!
Man! That feels good!
Breaker, breaker, ten-four!
Mall Cop in pursuit of suspects!
Require immediate backup!
Oh, that's a niner-niner-Roger.
Who's Roger?
Breaker, breaker, good buddy!
Approaching lamp store! Over and out!
Mall Cop!
Seen any suspicious cows in this area?
Call me if you do.
Officer Hiney, Mall Cop.
I know you're in here.
Come on out!
You can't hide from Officer Hiney!
Click.
Gotcha!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Stop them!
Law breakers!
Don't move! I'll be right down.
I'm coming to get you!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Crud!
Out of the way!
Move it! Move it! Mall Cop here.
This is for my wife!
Sorry! But my middle toe is ticklish!
Two for "Piles Come Home."
We should be safe in here.
Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
There ain't nobody else around.
Goodie! It's a Piles movie!
Show's over, pumpkin!
We've been made!
Quick! Grab the bags, Cow!
Wrong direction!
Dang!
I'm unplugged!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Do you see him?
Oh, I do not think so.
Okay. Looks like the coast is clear.
Pardon me. May I try this on?
I don't know. Can you?
Mall Cop!
Quit whining, Cow!
Oh, it's all right for you.
I'm the fugitive!
We'll just hide out here as long as it takes!
Oh, but that could be months!
We'll starve!
Hi, kids!
I don't want to go to jail!
Left, right, left another left.
Halt!
They're gonna lock you up
and throw away the key!
What's the trouble, officer?
Oh, you must be Dad, come to the rescue.
Well, you're too late!
Your little sweetheart here
stole fifty bucks worth
of store merchandise.
Is this true, Cow?
No, sir. I paid for it.
We'll see about that.
Now, Miss, if you would be so kind
as to waltz through the sensors again?
Go ahead, Cow.
If you're innocent,
you've got nothing to worry about.
If you're guilty, we'll visit you in jail!
I'm innocent! I'm an innocent cow!
Out of the way! Coming through!
It's that fraudulent Mall Cop guy again!
It's the real Mall Cops!
They're on to me.
Come back here, Hiney!
This thing's been broken for weeks!
Oh, I am not a hardened criminal after all!
Lock him up and throw away the key.
Oh, come on!
Let me be one of you guys!
Ever since I was nine,
I wanted to be a Mall Cop.
But I keep failing the Mall Cop Test!
Oh, man! That test is hard!
Shut up, Hiney! You're making me sick.
It all started when I was nine.
Daddy took me hunting.
House hunting.
We ate shingles for a month!
I could never look at a porch
the same way!
Oh, god!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Hey, Weasel? Baboon?
The show starts in five minutes!
Thank you, P.A.
Oh, could you bring me a coffee?
Oh, get it yourself!
You're not the boss of me!
P.A.'s. They think they run the show.
Where would they be without us actors?
Okay, as I was saying,
I'm seriously thinking about
getting out of the cartoon business
and back to the stage.
Quality scripts, you know?
Shakespeare. Royal Theater. Sixty-eight.
Larry Olivier and Richard Burton
told me that my portrayal of a small,
furry animal was "interesting."
So, anyway, there I was in seventy-two,
on Broadway.
Oh, the lights were fantastic.
And the atmosphere was electric.
I remember when Julie turned to me
and threw me her car keys and said,
"Here, squirrel! Park my car."
Oh, those were the days.
Hello, girls!
It's me, your director, Louie B. Bare!
Here they are!
My two most favorite thespians!
Yes. Well, let's hope that
this cartoon is funnier.
The last one was one lame cliché
after the other.
Oh, I do wish I knew what cliché means!
I must have been home
with the lumps the day
they taught that at school.
A cliché is a worn-out joke
we've all seen a million times.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is the funniest,
most original episode ever!
Why, it's ten percent funnier, guaranteed.
Now, move it!
Places everyone!
"I.M. Weasel", scene one. Take one.
And action!
Mr. Simian?
All right.
You said this was going to be original.
Getting hit by an anvil
is the oldest cliché in cartoons.
Oh, now that's original.
Really.
An anvil, an elephant and a baleen whale?
Talk about cliché.
Only thing missing are kitchen sink.
Don't
Thanks, I.R.
Cut!
This is so original,
I'm getting goose bumps all over my hiney!
And action!
Oh, look. A penny!
"Original", my tail.
"Wild Takes"
are older than my grand-ma-ma.
Lookie! A egg!
Cut!
You're gonna love this!
It's a real original!
This is embarrassing.
And action!
Being very, very quiet.
I.R. hunting bunny rabbit.
Eh? What's up, Baboon?
Gee. I've never seen that before.
Oh, I will paint a tunnel
and disappear into it.
What kind of idiots are you guys?
Trying to run through a rock wall?
Cut!
Pie Scene. Action.
Oh, goodie! It's the Gift Scene!
Okay, here's the setting.
Baboon?
You are Sibyl, the depressed birthday girl.
And Weasel,
you are Sibyl's best friend, Floretta.
Sibyl's husband, Hosey,
left her alone for two weeks
with ten hungry children to feed.
And a dog named Raoul
with a skin condition.
Whilst he is off selling perfume
door to door in China,
you want to cheer her up with a gift.
And action!
Here, Sibyl.
Thanking you, Floretta.
Cut!
Now that's comedy!
That's it! I'm walking!
You can't leave!
Oh, you're going to love the next scene!
It's new, it's unique!
They're tiny, they're young, ♪
They got no teeth, they just got gum. ♪
They're diaper wearing kiddies, ♪
Weasel babes. ♪
Got their shots for mumps and rabies. ♪
And even though they drool. ♪
They're fuzzy so it's cool, Weasel babies. ♪
Hold up the sign!
What? No anvil?
Cut!
This is really too much.
It's been one stupid cliché after another.
And to make matters worse,
you're using old scripts!
Look! You crossed out Bugs Bunny,
then Buster, then scribbled in Weasel.
Is that a crime?
If you don't come up
with something original,
then I'm out of here!
I feel so dirty.
Okay, you win!
No more cartoon clichés!
In fact, here is your new script!
I wrote it myself!
I can't wait.
Dr. Baboon?
I am afraid I'll have to operate
on that young wrestler.
Don't being afraid.
Oh, Dr. Weasel?
Dr. Baboon?
I don't know how to tell you this, but
I may be expecting.
It's the happiest day of my life!
You know, I think I liked the clichés better.
Hello, Noyse.
Man! Do I love shopping for your Mom!
What do you think?
Will she like the boots or the flats?
Good idea! I'll take them both!
What's next, Cow?
Well, Mom needs lipstick,
underwear, shoes
panty hose.
Dad?
Yeah?
Can we go to the arcade now?
In a minute, son.
Which one does Mom usually get?
Sheer leg, or industrial support?
Sheer leg.
Dad? I'm hungry.
Can we get pork butts on a stick?
Yes, yes, soon.
Okay, does Mom prefer stripes or crabs?
Crabs.
Now are we done?
Check the list! Check the list!
Shoes, panty hose, skirt, manicure.
I'm a man! You kids pay for this stuff.
I'm off to the salon!
One left shoe.
Crab skirt.
Designer aviator goggles.
Wait!
I have a coupon for that.
Thank you!
Have a nice day.
I'll never get to go to the arcade.
Security!
Security!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Oh, man! It's the heat!
But this is not right!
I paid for these things!
We gotta make a run for it!
Bee-boo, bee-boo!
Stop thieves!
Quick, he's coming!
Out of the way! Stand back!
Mall Cop Security Emergency!
Geez, Cow! What'd you steal?
I did not steal nothing.
Arrest that Cow!
Man! That feels good!
Breaker, breaker, ten-four!
Mall Cop in pursuit of suspects!
Require immediate backup!
Oh, that's a niner-niner-Roger.
Who's Roger?
Breaker, breaker, good buddy!
Approaching lamp store! Over and out!
Mall Cop!
Seen any suspicious cows in this area?
Call me if you do.
Officer Hiney, Mall Cop.
I know you're in here.
Come on out!
You can't hide from Officer Hiney!
Click.
Gotcha!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Stop them!
Law breakers!
Don't move! I'll be right down.
I'm coming to get you!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Crud!
Out of the way!
Move it! Move it! Mall Cop here.
This is for my wife!
Sorry! But my middle toe is ticklish!
Two for "Piles Come Home."
We should be safe in here.
Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
There ain't nobody else around.
Goodie! It's a Piles movie!
Show's over, pumpkin!
We've been made!
Quick! Grab the bags, Cow!
Wrong direction!
Dang!
I'm unplugged!
Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo!
Do you see him?
Oh, I do not think so.
Okay. Looks like the coast is clear.
Pardon me. May I try this on?
I don't know. Can you?
Mall Cop!
Quit whining, Cow!
Oh, it's all right for you.
I'm the fugitive!
We'll just hide out here as long as it takes!
Oh, but that could be months!
We'll starve!
Hi, kids!
I don't want to go to jail!
Left, right, left another left.
Halt!
They're gonna lock you up
and throw away the key!
What's the trouble, officer?
Oh, you must be Dad, come to the rescue.
Well, you're too late!
Your little sweetheart here
stole fifty bucks worth
of store merchandise.
Is this true, Cow?
No, sir. I paid for it.
We'll see about that.
Now, Miss, if you would be so kind
as to waltz through the sensors again?
Go ahead, Cow.
If you're innocent,
you've got nothing to worry about.
If you're guilty, we'll visit you in jail!
I'm innocent! I'm an innocent cow!
Out of the way! Coming through!
It's that fraudulent Mall Cop guy again!
It's the real Mall Cops!
They're on to me.
Come back here, Hiney!
This thing's been broken for weeks!
Oh, I am not a hardened criminal after all!
Lock him up and throw away the key.
Oh, come on!
Let me be one of you guys!
Ever since I was nine,
I wanted to be a Mall Cop.
But I keep failing the Mall Cop Test!
Oh, man! That test is hard!
Shut up, Hiney! You're making me sick.
It all started when I was nine.
Daddy took me hunting.
House hunting.
We ate shingles for a month!
I could never look at a porch
the same way!
Oh, god!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Hey, Weasel? Baboon?
The show starts in five minutes!
Thank you, P.A.
Oh, could you bring me a coffee?
Oh, get it yourself!
You're not the boss of me!
P.A.'s. They think they run the show.
Where would they be without us actors?
Okay, as I was saying,
I'm seriously thinking about
getting out of the cartoon business
and back to the stage.
Quality scripts, you know?
Shakespeare. Royal Theater. Sixty-eight.
Larry Olivier and Richard Burton
told me that my portrayal of a small,
furry animal was "interesting."
So, anyway, there I was in seventy-two,
on Broadway.
Oh, the lights were fantastic.
And the atmosphere was electric.
I remember when Julie turned to me
and threw me her car keys and said,
"Here, squirrel! Park my car."
Oh, those were the days.
Hello, girls!
It's me, your director, Louie B. Bare!
Here they are!
My two most favorite thespians!
Yes. Well, let's hope that
this cartoon is funnier.
The last one was one lame cliché
after the other.
Oh, I do wish I knew what cliché means!
I must have been home
with the lumps the day
they taught that at school.
A cliché is a worn-out joke
we've all seen a million times.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is the funniest,
most original episode ever!
Why, it's ten percent funnier, guaranteed.
Now, move it!
Places everyone!
"I.M. Weasel", scene one. Take one.
And action!
Mr. Simian?
All right.
You said this was going to be original.
Getting hit by an anvil
is the oldest cliché in cartoons.
Oh, now that's original.
Really.
An anvil, an elephant and a baleen whale?
Talk about cliché.
Only thing missing are kitchen sink.
Don't
Thanks, I.R.
Cut!
This is so original,
I'm getting goose bumps all over my hiney!
And action!
Oh, look. A penny!
"Original", my tail.
"Wild Takes"
are older than my grand-ma-ma.
Lookie! A egg!
Cut!
You're gonna love this!
It's a real original!
This is embarrassing.
And action!
Being very, very quiet.
I.R. hunting bunny rabbit.
Eh? What's up, Baboon?
Gee. I've never seen that before.
Oh, I will paint a tunnel
and disappear into it.
What kind of idiots are you guys?
Trying to run through a rock wall?
Cut!
Pie Scene. Action.
Oh, goodie! It's the Gift Scene!
Okay, here's the setting.
Baboon?
You are Sibyl, the depressed birthday girl.
And Weasel,
you are Sibyl's best friend, Floretta.
Sibyl's husband, Hosey,
left her alone for two weeks
with ten hungry children to feed.
And a dog named Raoul
with a skin condition.
Whilst he is off selling perfume
door to door in China,
you want to cheer her up with a gift.
And action!
Here, Sibyl.
Thanking you, Floretta.
Cut!
Now that's comedy!
That's it! I'm walking!
You can't leave!
Oh, you're going to love the next scene!
It's new, it's unique!
They're tiny, they're young, ♪
They got no teeth, they just got gum. ♪
They're diaper wearing kiddies, ♪
Weasel babes. ♪
Got their shots for mumps and rabies. ♪
And even though they drool. ♪
They're fuzzy so it's cool, Weasel babies. ♪
Hold up the sign!
What? No anvil?
Cut!
This is really too much.
It's been one stupid cliché after another.
And to make matters worse,
you're using old scripts!
Look! You crossed out Bugs Bunny,
then Buster, then scribbled in Weasel.
Is that a crime?
If you don't come up
with something original,
then I'm out of here!
I feel so dirty.
Okay, you win!
No more cartoon clichés!
In fact, here is your new script!
I wrote it myself!
I can't wait.
Dr. Baboon?
I am afraid I'll have to operate
on that young wrestler.
Don't being afraid.
Oh, Dr. Weasel?
Dr. Baboon?
I don't know how to tell you this, but
I may be expecting.
It's the happiest day of my life!
You know, I think I liked the clichés better.
Hello, Noyse.