Curb Your Enthusiasm s09e03 Episode Script

A Disturbance In The Kitchen

1 ( theme music playing ) - ( chatter ) - Larry: Where's our food? It's-- the service of this place, it's horrible.
- Taking a year.
- I know.
- What the hell? - I know.
I confirmed it, by the way.
Cheryl and Ted are a thing.
They went to Hawaii together.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Jeez.
- So, this is really hard to look at.
Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? - You think I enjoy it? - Okay.
I never should've done that show.
That "Kimmel" show.
God damn it.
Hi, I'm the manager.
There's been a delay in your meals.
I'm very sorry.
There's been a disturbance in the kitchen.
But we're taking care of it.
Well, what kind of disturbance? A general disturbance.
( laughing ) What's a general disturbance? Well, let's just say it was a minor hiccup.
Well, was it a hiccup or a disturbance? It's such a small disturbance, it might be either one.
What, it's like-- was the chef angry or did somebody drop some pots and pans? - What happened? - Let's just say the disturbance happened.
Okay, that's a fact, - and we're taking care of it, okay? - ( laughs ) Are you listening to this? - Wait a second.
- I am.
How come you won't tell me what the disturbance was? Oh, well, that's a very good question, - and I'm on top of it.
- Well, thank you.
I'm glad you thought it was a good question because it was a really atrocious answer.
- Well, I beg to differ.
- Let me ask you this question.
How in God's name did you get this job? - I am great at dealing with these disturbances.
- Yes, really? I'm asking that because you come off as quite a goofball.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
It's not.
Delicious meal, by the way.
Did I mention that? Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.
Is there any question that you will answer? Because you haven't answered one question yet.
For example, what color is your tie? - Let me just say this.
- Uh-huh.
- I am wearing a tie.
- Yes, you are.
- What color is it? - I believe the tie is self-evident.
- So, the color is there.
- ( hand thuds ) - Okay.
- Okay, great.
- All right.
- Thank you.
( scoffs ) What the hell was that? Why wouldn't he tell me what it was? - What's the big secret? - I don't know.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- All right.
( music playing ) - Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
The restroom's down the hallway.
- Are you the chef? - Yes.
Yes, I am.
Oh, okay-- ( stutters ) I was sitting at my table, the manager came over to us and said the food was gonna be delayed because there was a disturbance in the kitchen.
Oh, yes, I'm sorry about that, sir.
There was a small disturbance in the kitchen, but if you go have a seat, we'll get your food right out to you.
Yeah, I know, thanks.
That's okay.
I mean, everything's fine.
I was just wondering, you know, what the disturbance was.
Regular kitchen disturbance.
They happen all the time.
Nothing to worry about.
You mean somebody dropped pots and pans or something? - Is that what happened? - It's not that big of a deal, sir.
It was a minor disturbance that we have since taken care of.
- Minor? - It was perfectly minor.
If it was, then my food would not have been delayed by 15 minutes.
- A slight delay in your food.
- It was more than a slight delay.
- Sir.
- Tell the truth about the disturbance.
It wasn't minor, it was major.
What is this, an investigation? This is a kitchen, sir.
I'm just trying to get some food to some hungry people.
That's all I wanna do.
And then I wanna go home.
- Are you a married man? - Yes.
- Do you have children? - Yes.
All right, so you're having a wonderful afternoon with the wife and kids, you go out to the post office to get the mail.
You come back, you hear a big crash, you open the door, and your kids are sprawled out, unconscious on the floor.
You say to your wife, "What happened?" And she goes, "Oh, there was a disturbance.
" And you go, "What was the disturbance?" She goes, "No, I don't wanna tell you.
" How would you feel? - I would want to know what the disturbance was.
- That's exactly right! That's a very specific situation, sir! You'd want to know what the disturbance was, just like me! There's no children here! - ( stuttering ) - You're acting like a child.
You're the child who's keeping a little secret.
- Yes.
- You got a little secret.
- No, no, I'm the parent.
- Oh! I'm the parent who has to worry about all the things.
- I gotta worry about getting the food - No.
preparing the food, and then giving it to you-- No, you're the little baby who won't tell Daddy what happened.
- Please leave, sir.
- With pleasure.
All right, fine.
I'm coming! Bye.
- We gotta go.
- What? Yeah, Susie's little sister didn't come home last night.
- Little sister? - You know, she's part of that big sister, little sister mentoring program.
- Oh.
- The girl's staying with us, and she didn't come home last night.
- Can I help you with anything? - No, we're good.
- We're leaving.
- That whole disturbance thing threw us for a loop.
Well, yeah, I'm taking care of it.
We're too disturbed to eat right now.
Wow, look at this thing.
New Tesla.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- Whose is it? - Ted.
Holy cow.
She didn't come home.
I don't know where the hell she is.
I've called everybody.
What can I do? - Oh, finally.
Jeff, she's not back! - I know, I'm sorry.
- Come here, I wanna show you the tapes.
- Hi, Ted Danson.
Yeah, it's me, asshole.
Okay? It's my fatwa disguise.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- ( laughs ) - He was at the hotel.
I'm sorry, were you just at a hotel in the Marina, following us? - You were following us, weren't you? - I was not following you.
I was in the hotel.
That's where I was hiding.
Why didn't you say hi? I was going to, but I had to talk to the hotel manager about the pickle jar.
- The pickle jar? - The pickle jar.
Yeah, everybody wants to open a pickle jar.
- Don't you wanna open a pickle jar? - Cheryl: Okay.
- Could you get me some sparkling water, please? - Yes.
Oh, and T, can you get a lemon with that, please? T? Oh, "T"? - What is that? It's unseemly.
- It's short for Ted.
You never gave me any little nicknames.
Could've called me L.
You didn't call me L.
You didn't call me D.
You could've called me "Elvid.
" - I'm sorry, "Elvid"? - Yeah, "Elvid.
" - As a term of endearment? - Yeah.
Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"? - Yeah, "Elvid.
" - Okay.
You know what? Enough with this bullshit, all right? Enough with the nicknames.
Nobody gives a shit.
We're looking for my little sister.
We have to find her.
She's 15.
How do you know she's gone? She's probably at her boyfriend's house.
Susie: She doesn't have a boyfriend.
This kid, Larry, oh! She is so talented.
- You think Sammi was talented at her age? - No, I don't.
Oh, stop it! Look at this.
Look at this tape.
Look at that dancing.
( music playing ) Huh? Is that amaz-- look at her, oh.
Larry: Got attitude.
It's wonderful.
Okay, I've seen plenty.
Thank you, I got it.
I get it.
I got it.
What do you get? You don't get shit.
- I got it.
- All right, we gotta find the kid! - What, do you want me to watch the whole dance recital? - Yes, I do, all right? - We're gonna form a search party and find her.
- A search party? What are we, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in 1870? Find her! Let's go.
- Everybody, split up.
- Yes.
Cheryl: Let's go.
Split up.
I thought you were okay with this.
- What's going on, man? - Hey, do me a favor.
- Yeah.
- Can I look for the kid in your Tesla? I'd like to drive it.
- All right, okay.
- Thanks, T.
( music playing ) Come on.
( horn honking ) ( sighs ) - What? - ( car door closes ) - What? - I don't appreciate that beep, sir.
Oh, well, you know, the light had turned green and I gave you time.
You must've drifted off or something.
- No, I didn't drift.
- Were you daydreaming? No, I was doing important police business.
Well, with all due respect, a green light is not the time to be doing police business.
Sir, I don't appreciate the aggressiveness of the beep.
Oh, yeah, well, you know what? This is my friend's car and I'm not really attuned to the subtleties of the horn yet.
It was merely just a reminder beep, a subtle way of telling you, "Time to go.
Let's get moving.
Move it on.
" License and registration, please.
- I'm gonna write you a ticket.
- A ticket? It was a bad decision on your part to honk at a police officer.
Oh, what-- why? Are you above the beep? Absolutely.
I'm a police officer.
I protect your rights.
My rights to beep.
- That's one of my rights.
- Yeah, but you don't-- Beeping, that's a right.
That's America.
We're allowed to beep.
Yeah? Well, I'm allowed to write this ticket.
- ( sighs ) - Good.
Write it.
You getting smart with me, boy? I'm not getting smart.
I am smart, by the way.
- I'm smart.
- Yeah.
And of course I'll be protesting this ticket.
I hope you enjoy your day in court.
Here you go.
Have a nice day.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You made my day.
No one's above the beep.
No one! ( music playing ) ( cards shuffling ) ( exhales ) - Mm.
- They're not coming.
- They're not coming.
- No.
- ( bottles clinking ) - Not even a text.
You know why? They're afraid to be on the text chain.
- Yep.
- 'Cause of the fatwa.
That's fucked up.
They are really showing their true colors.
They don't have no colors.
They're white.
There's no fucking color.
I should just have over black friends.
If you want, I'll go over there and fuck somebody ass up.
I'll take Swat over there.
I seen Swat kick a motherfucker one night and broke his fucking back like this.
He turned that motherfucker into a human wallet.
What did the guy do? Motherfucker started mumbling.
The one thing you don't wanna do around Swat is to speak under your breath.
I can't mumble at all? I like to mumble.
Don't mumble about him.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Have you seen my sunglasses? My-- you know, my Dr.
Strangelove sunglasses? I know what you're talking about, but, no, I haven't seen them.
I've been looking all over for them.
I love those glasses.
( kitchenware clattering ) Swat, God damn! What the fuck's going on in there, man? I'm cooking, man.
Nothing going on.
Just cooking.
You're causing a fucking disturbance.
Yeah, yeah, you're making a disturbance.
This ain't no disturbance.
I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.
No, it's not up to you to say whether it's a disturbance or not.
We're the ones being disturbed.
It's our call.
No, he wasn't making a fucking disturbance, was he? - That's not a disturbance.
- What the fuck you say? ( normal voice ) Oh no, it's his turn to deal.
We're playing War.
We're playing cards.
I just fucking told you, don't talk under your breath.
You wanna get fucked up? Okay, well, this is the coup De grâce.
They canceled golf on Saturday.
( sighs ) Oh, man, I can't live like this anymore.
I just can't.
There's only one man who could help me.
( music playing ) - Man over intercom: Yes? - Yeah, it's Larry David.
( gate buzzes ) - Mr.
David? - Yes, sir.
We've been expecting you.
Please come in.
And if you'd follow me.
This way.
David is here now, sir.
Oh, Mr.
David, come in.
Please have a seat.
Thank you.
Thank you for seeing me, Mr.
- No, call me Salman.
- It's not "Salmon"? - "Saul-mahn.
" - Salman? There's an accent on the second syllable.
Now, tell me why you're here.
Oh, well, I'm sure you, uh-- you've heard about-- Yeah, I heard about your problem.
And I thought if there's anybody who could understand what I'm going through, it's you.
And to tell you the truth, I'm at my wit's end.
Let me tell you something.
It took me a long time.
It took me maybe several years to get to the point that I'm going to talk to you about now.
I want to give you a shortcut, which is that, yeah, it is all those things.
It can be scary, it can be bewildering, et cetera.
But there are things that you gain.
There are a lot of women who are attracted to you in this condition.
Really? I didn't think there was any condition - that they'd be attracted to me.
- You are a dangerous man.
There are very beautiful women who like that.
- Really? - Yeah.
Even with me they would like it? It's not exactly you; it's the fatwa wrapped around you.
Like kind of sexy pixie dust.
- Huh! - But you have to stop acting like a wuss.
I mean, look at you.
You look like a person trying to hide.
- That's exactly right.
- That is not sexy.
Be a man, stop this, and fatwa sex will follow.
- Fatwa sex? - The best sex there is.
- Wow! - Yes.
What about the fatwa itself? I don't You know, you've survived many, many years now.
Well, it's, you know-- it's there.
- Yeah.
- But fuck it.
Mm, yeah, the "fuck it" philosophy.
It's a tough one.
I've tried it with orthotics.
It didn't really work very well.
No, no, you're-- look, you're being pathetic.
- Let me help you.
- What? There.
Now, look, there you are.
You're a man of danger.
The fatwa sex is beginning to circle around you, so be a man now.
Let's go out, get a bite to eat.
Trust me.
Let's eat! - That's my boy.
- ( exhales ) ( music playing ) Salman: Hello.
Table for two, please.
Of course, Mr.
Hello, Mr.
( chatter ) ( man whispers ) Turn around, turn around.
- Look.
- Oh.
It's him.
Oh, my God.
And your server will be right with you guys.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Okay, so, you see? It's not so bad.
Yeah, I'm in a restaurant having-- having lunch.
You're not behind some stupid mask.
You can go in a supermarket, go to a ball game.
- You'll be a person.
- You know what? I'm feeling a lot better about things.
Now, tell me something.
This musical, it's about me, right? - Yes.
- So, I mean, I'm interested.
Who have you got playing me? Oh, well, of course, now, because of this whole fatwa thing, it's probably not gonna happen.
But the guy I had in mind was actually Jason Alexander.
You mean, like, "George" Jason Alexander? No, you know, that was just a character that he played.
- Ja-- you know-- - There's no remote resemblance.
I mean, he's short.
He's a lot shorter than me.
He's not-- a lot shorter? What? - He's not that much shorter.
- Inches.
Well, who are you thinking about? I'm thinking about, you know, Hugh Jackman.
- That's good.
- ( scoffs ) Hugh Jackman? - Yeah, he's a triple threat.
- Are you out of your fucking mind? He can sing, he can dance, he can act.
- Yeah.
- He could totally play me.
I think you're delusional.
Anyway, it's all moot.
What's the difference, you know? It's not gonna happen.
All right, well, that's a relief.
It's too bad, too, because what you said about fatwa sex? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
I would've put that right in the show.
- That is so perfect.
- But that is not the only benefit.
For example, you don't have to go to anything you don't want to go to.
- Hmm.
- So, like, your cousin is giving a reading of his lousy poetry book, and you say, "Sorry, can't make it.
- Fatwa.
" - Fatwa.
Somebody calls you, says, "Can you come pick me up at the airport?" You say, "Can't make it.
Can't make it.
" This is a fatwa "Life of Riley.
" - Yeah, with added death threats.
- With the death threats, yeah.
You know what's happening? I'm feeling, uh, pretty good.
Pretty, pretty good.
Compliments of the lady.
- ( chuckles ) - Oh, my God.
- You know who that is? - That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend.
She sent you a drink.
This is what I'm talking about.
Here it is, right here.
Salman, this is-- this is unbelievable.
So don't talk to me.
What are you talking to me for? Go talk to her.
Do this.
Go for it.
- Hello.
- Elizabeth: Hi.
May I join you? - Woman: Yes.
- Although, I should warn you that it might be-- it might be a bit dangerous.
- Really? Tell us all about that.
- Yes.
- Is that Salman Rushdie? - Yes, that's Salman.
We're the, uh-- we're the fatwa boys.
I just can't believe you're out and about.
- In broad daylight.
- What am I gonna do, Elizabeth? Look, I'm not gonna walk around with a mustache and a wig.
- Right? - Yes, you just face the world.
Absolutely! Hello, ladies, I'm the manager.
I really apologize about your lunch being late.
There was a disturbance in the kitchen.
- Ah.
What kind of disturbance? - He's not gonna tell you.
- I am about to tell her.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Yes, we have a very big kitchen, and we're moving forward now, and we're going to get your meal right away.
- Can't wait.
- He hasn't told you one thing about the disturbance, has he? He hasn't-- you didn't tell her about the disturbance, - just like last time.
- Manager: I believe I did.
I've ticked all the boxes - You didn't tick one box.
- of the disturbance.
You didn't tick a box.
The boxes are empty.
I beg to differ.
Let's get on to that delicious lunch.
- ( overlapping voices ) - All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- It's okay.
I wanna know everything there is to know about Larry David.
- To the fatwa boys.
- To the fatwa boys.
( music playing ) He completely changed my outlook on this whole thing.
At the end of the conversation, he got up, he ripped off my wig, and said, "Come on, we're going out to lunch.
" - Unbelievable! - Welcome.
Welcome back.
- Look at you, you're back to normal.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- I like the other look better.
Ooh, you know what? She's better every day.
Pretty good.
Anyway, Elizabeth Banks sent a drink to my table.
Oh, my God, I love her.
- Oh, she's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.
- I know.
I went over to her table.
- Oh, bullshit.
We had a lovely conversation, and I saw her last night.
- She's not interested in you, Larry.
- ( guffaws ) She's swooning.
- Susie: She's swooning? - She's swooning over me.
- You're delusional.
- Do you know why? - Because I'm dangerous, Susie.
- Yeah.
What the hell are you doing here, anyway? I think I might've left my sunglasses here.
You know, the Dr.
Strangelove glasses? Yeah, would you mind looking for them? Yeah, I would mind looking for them.
I'm busy looking for a little girl.
All right, well, when you're outside, you look for Katie, and when you're inside, eh you look for the sunglasses.
You could do both.
It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.
Have you found your Cubs hat? No, I have not.
I'm sure if you ran across Jeff's Cubs hat, you would call it to his attention.
Same thing with the sunglasses.
- That's all I'm asking.
- Excuse me.
I don't give a shit about Jeff's Cubs hat about your Dr.
Strangelove glasses.
I care about this kid, my little sister.
Just keep it in the back of your mind.
Look, I've got Katie in the back of my mind.
I've got the sunglasses up front, Katie's in the back.
- Susie: That's so wrong, Larry.
- But it's always in the back.
Katie should be in the front for both of you.
She's not an inanimate object.
Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you.
I'm gonna move Katie all the way up to the front.
I'm gonna give her equal footing with the sunglasses.
Both in front of my mind.
Where's my Cubs hat in this scenario? I can't handle three in the front.
It's too much.
It's overload.
I'll move Katie back two paces.
I'm gonna move your Cubs hat to the front.
That works perfect.
You two have no compassion, have no caring about another human being.
There's some partial truth to that.
- Yeah.
- It's an illness, for sure.
I don't know why I have it, but I-- I definitely do.
- ( doorbell rings ) - Maybe that's her.
- This is fucking nuts.
- Oh, Ted! - ( overlapping chatter ) - She's still gone.
- No, she's still gone.
- You're living the life now.
- Jeff: Oh, my God, I love her.
- Bless your heart.
- You poor thing.
- Larry: By the way, that car of yours got me a ticket.
- How? - I was at a stoplight and I beeped a cop.
What's that have to do with my car? Because your horn cannot hit the subtle notes required in the art of beeping.
- A beep's a beep.
- A beep is not a beep.
I'm telling you, that horn is gonna get you in a lot of trouble.
Mark my words.
So, how much is a beep ticket? $275.
Are you gonna pay it? No.
I'm fighting it.
( music playing ) Larry: I mean, Your Honor, I don't even know why I'm here.
There should be no such thing as a ticket for this.
It's our inalienable right to beep.
Without the freedom to beep, we are no better than the beasts in the field.
And I'm not talking about the common chicken.
I'm talking about the mighty oxen and the donkey - Donkey.
- with his floppy ears, his pea-brain and his stolid, slack-jawed gaze.
A revolting creature, if there ever was one - O-okay.
Okay, all right.
- who walked the earth! That's enough of that talk about donkeys and field chickens.
I've got more about the donkeys-- That's enough.
All right, so, Officer Jenkins, you have been in this courtroom many times.
How many of those cases has been because someone has beeped you? Never, Your Honor.
- Not once.
- A feather in my cap.
I'm a first to beep a cop.
I'm a pioneer, Your Honor.
In the mold of a Rosa Parks.
- Wow.
- In the mold of a Jackie Robinson.
Judge: Mm-hmm.
Anyone else you're in the mold of? Maybe a Martin Luther King or a Malcolm X? Harriet Tubman? Yes, Harriet Tubman.
Although I'm not quite sure what she did, I have a feeling she was in the pioneer family.
All right, so do you think that-- I'm sorry, could you just take a step back? - You're in the well right now.
- Oh, am I in the well? - Yeah, that would be called a well.
- Oh, sorry.
Somebody could've told me about the well, frankly.
I was talking to you outside.
You never mentioned anything.
Wouldn't have killed you.
I think we need to get back to you beeping right now.
Your Honor, may I offer you a cough drop? You know, you're a judge, you're talking a lot, there are people here all the time.
You get a sore throat.
Take it.
- Take the cough drop.
- I don't need any.
- Take it for later.
- Yeah, all right.
- Okay? Yeah.
- Thank you for your-- - your warm pocket candy.
- You'll thank me.
- Yeah.
- You'll be sucking on that thing, going-- ( smacks lips ) "Boy, that guy in court today really had something with that cough drop.
" The chances of me putting that in my mouth are very slim.
Well, if you're not gonna suck on it, you might as well return it.
What's the point of taking a cough drop if you're not gonna suck on it? - 'Cause I'll use it.
- That may be the first thing that we've agreed on today.
Now take your unsucked candy and get back to your desk.
Okay, let the record show I had a good time in the well.
- Judge: Hmm.
- That's all I'm gonna say about it.
Love the well.
- I'm so glad I came.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.
- Yeah, I'm really glad, too.
- This is not going the way you wanted it.
Your Honor, are you listening to what this man is saying over here? Huh? Did you listen to one word-- yoo-hoo.
David, did you just-- did you just yoo-hoo me? I did.
I yoo-hooed you.
You weren't paying attention, so I yoo-hooed.
Right, so you decided it was okay to yoo-hoo.
Oh, you can't yoo-hoo a judge? You most certainly cannot yoo-hoo a judge.
I'm affirming the citation.
Very well.
I will pay your citation.
But I cannot leave this courtroom without telling you that a grave injustice has been done here, for I'm not doing this for me; I did it for you and you and you.
- Judge: Bailiff.
- And all of you.
For we are not donkeys.
Or in Brooklyn, we would say-- we would say "dunkeys" for some reason.
" ( music playing ) ( groans ) Hey, come on, buddy.
( loud honk ) Oh, jeez, that is-- that is loud.
Oh, no.
No, no, come on.
No, no, I-- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
- Roll down the window.
That was just a reminder beep.
( knocking ) That was just a reminder beep.
I'm sorry.
Reminder beep? Reminder for what? Well, but the light had changed and-- No, no, that was an aggressive fucking beep.
It's a new car and I'm not used to the subtleties of the beeps.
No, I don't give a shit.
Come here.
Get out here.
Wait, wait, wait! It's me, Ted Danson.
"Becker," "Cheers," anything? Jesus.
- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh.
- This is my friend, Elizabeth.
- Elizabeth: Hi! - Hello, Elizabeth.
- Elizabeth Banks.
- Larry: Yes! - Hi.
- This is Susie Greene.
Oh, what a beautiful house this is.
Hi, Jeff.
This is Elizabeth Banks.
- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- The man behind the man.
- I get it.
- Why don't you come inside, all right? Okay, okay.
We'll go inside.
- Thank you, Elizabeth.
- You know, we were just in the neighborhood having a little drive.
I heard about your little sister.
- Susie: Yeah.
Oh, you did? Yeah.
- It's terrible.
I lost a cat once, so I know how you're feeling.
With all due respect, losing a cat is nothing like losing a child.
Well, with all due respect, I mean, that cat was my child.
And this girl, I mean, it sounds like you kind of barely know her.
I would say I know her quite well.
She's an underprivileged child we took into our home, and she feels like our own little girl.
Well, Mr.
Noodle was a stray as well, who I brought in off the street, and literally slept on my bosom for 17 years.
Noodle slept on your bosom? - Yeah, he did.
- Yeah.
- He was a stray? - I know how much you miss this girl.
It's-- it's a loss, for sure.
- It's a huge loss and she's a human being.
- Elizabeth: Yeah.
- Flesh and blood.
- Not your flesh and blood.
- Not my flesh and blood, but I don't discriminate.
- No.
Someone else's.
I'm happy to tweet a recent photo of her.
I do have a lot of followers.
I have a video of her dancing.
She's a very talented dancer.
Oh, we should put that on my social channels or something.
I saw her dance.
She's not-- she's not much of a dancer.
Oh, what the fuck do you know, Larry? - I saw the tape.
- You know talent? You know dancing? I saw the tape of the dancing.
I don't wanna get into it.
What was the last dance program you ever saw? Did you go to Martha Graham? No.
Yeah, because I don't like to go out of my way to be bored.
I could show Elizabeth right now a video of her dancing, which is magnificent.
I'll watch that video and you can watch a video of Mr.
Noodle chasing a string.
- All right, enough! - It is the cutest thing you ever saw.
This is a underprivileged child - Elizabeth: Oh.
- who came into our world.
Look, I just wanna be helpful, you know? Elvid told me about the situation and-- - Who? - Oh, El-- - She calls me Elvid.
- It's my little-- Why the fuck do you call him "Elvid"? - It's my little nickname.
- ( stutters ) Nickname.
You know? I like to have-- he calls me Lizzie, - I call him Elvid.
- Oh, Jesus.
- ( Elizabeth laughs ) - ( car approaching ) Oh, wait a minute.
A cop car just pulled up, Jeff.
What is that? - ( car door beeping ) - Susie: Oh, my God, Jeff! - My little sister! - I'm really sorry.
- Susie: Oh, my God! - My glasses! My glasses! ( music playing ) I'm so happy to have you back.
Where'd you find her, Officer? - She was at her boyfriend's.
- No, she wasn't.
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
- Come on.
You come in.
We'll discuss it.
- All right.
- Bite to eat? - Love it.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
Larry: That's Jeff's Cubs hat.
You gotta call the fire department.
( laughs ) The fire department? That's very dangerous, Elvid.
I got this, Lizzie.
Wow, Elvid.
Is there nothing you're afraid of? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yes! - ( both screaming ) ( gasps ) Oh.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
( music playing ) You have an-- an idea for an app? It's a fantastic idea.
Say I invite you over for dinner one night.
Okay, I like where this is going.
( laughs ) And I'm cooking-- - I've never done this in my life, by the way - And then? but I'm-- it's just all hypothetical.
- I like it.
- So, now when dinner's over, - okay, and there's a big pile of dishes in the kitchen.
- Yes.
We don't wanna deal with that, right? Wait till tomorrow.
We've got other things to do.
No, we don't even need to wait till tomorrow.
- Why? - I pick up the phone, I open up the app, five minutes later, there's people doing the dishes.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a suspect.
He vandalized police property.
Larry David.
Hi, I'm the restaurant manager.
How may I help you? Yes, I'm looking for Larry David.
- Ah, yes, Larry David.
- Yeah, I'm looking for him.
He's one of our more engaging customers.
- They'll be driving all over the city just like Uber - Okay.
and then they'll get their-- their dish call.
I just don't understand how you and I are getting it on after dinner if there's a rando stranger in the house doing the dishes.
Oh, my God.
- It's that cop.
Come, come-- come on! - Okay, okay.
You're not answering any of my questions.
Well, I just wanna tell you, I'm here to support the men in blue 110%.
Okay, uh, we need a plan.
We gotta come up with a plan.
- What's the story? What do we say? - Um, okay, here it is.
We went across the street to buy some lemonade from these Girl Scouts.
One of the Girl Scouts is Asian.
It's good to be specific when you lie.
It's the cornerstone of a good lie.
- Okay.
- Okay? And the lemonade was delicious.
- Yes.
I can taste it.
- Delicious lemonade.
Yes, and all of a sudden, a gust of Santa Ana wind comes along and knocks the rake off the roof onto the hood of the car.
- Yes.
Okay, I can-- - Got it? I got it.
Yes, of course.
Are you kidding? I did Shakespeare.
I can handle this.
( gasps, clears throat ) - Is there a problem? - Yeah, there's a problem.
You vandalized my car.
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Officer, we were standing across the street from your vehicle, buying some lemonade from a-- a stand.
- It's like a, you know, the wooden-- with a sign-- - Lemonade stand? The lemonade stand.
They were the little ones, the Brownies, one of whom was Indian.
And we decided that we actually wanted Arnold Parkers, - and so-- - Palmers.
- I don't think so.
- Palmer.
- Arnold Palmer.
- Well, let's leave that detail for another day.
- At any rate, he went into the house to - He? retrieve the-- yes, there was a man.
An Irishman who went into the house.
He said-- "I'll go get you-- ye the iced tea for the Arnold Parker.
" And so, while we were waiting for the Arnolds Palm-- whatever it is.
- Palmer! - Anyway, a gust of wind came.
- It blew a rake off of the, um-- the roof! - The roof! - Off the roof of the house onto the car.
- I was handling it.
Anyway, it blew the rake off of the roof and that's how your car was damaged.
All right, you're coming with me.
It landed on your vehicle.
Great! Great performance! - You're an actress? - You know what? That's the worst performance I've ever seen in my life! - You! - It was a bad script, Larry.
- You wrote me a bad script! - Oh, oh, a gust of wind.
I do better with a little more preparation.
You should arrest her for bad acting.
Look, I need a rehearsal.
I'm not a one-take wonder.
- Larry: Give me a break.
- Fuck you, Elvid.
Hello? What the fuck?! - ( chatter ) - Hi.
I'm the manager.
- Sorry, there has been a delay in your meal.
- What's taking so long? Well, there's been a disturbance in the kitchen.
( theme music playing )