Curb Your Enthusiasm s09e02 Episode Script

The Pickle Gambit

1 ( theme music playing ) ( pounding on door ) Leon: Larry, it's Leon! ( lock clicks ) The fuck? Leon: What's going on, man? It's fucking crazy in this fucking room.
What are these motherfucking shades, man? Oh, my God.
You need sunlight, man.
You turning white.
- The fuck is going on? - What are you doing? What? I'm in a hotel.
You think you're safe in a hotel? I think I'm safer here than in my house.
The bottom line is this, Larry-- you can't fucking hide here.
These motherfuckers want you, they're gonna come and get you.
Cut your fucking hands off, cut your feet off, put your feet in your back pockets, put your hands in your front pockets, and then carry your ass out of here like a piece of fucking luggage.
Jeff: How are you helping? I'm just letting him know what happens.
You don't need this shit.
You go to your house.
No one's coming.
I talked to the FBI guy.
He's not gonna lie.
No one is coming.
But I can't go back to the house.
I gotta move or sell the house or something.
No, no, no, no.
You can't fucking sell the house.
All of my ladies know I live there already.
You're gonna set me back two or three years.
No, you fucking stay there.
You fucking stay.
Get back to your life.
Get back on the horse now! - Okay, give me two minutes.
- Jeff: Yeah.
- Proud of ya.
- My man.
( door opens ) ( door closes ) Ah.
( scoffs ) I was there first.
I should've got that.
I was too busy looking in the mirror 'cause I'm so vain.
It's no big deal.
I got it.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, look at you.
Look at me.
May I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Why this outfit? It seems that women in your profession, they-- they dress like this for some reason.
Why not look wholesome? Why double down on the seediness? I think I look really good.
- Mm.
Mm.
- No? - ( sighs ) - Mm, I mean, look at dentists.
They don't walk around with their smocks on when they're not in-- when they're not in their office.
- This is a hooker smock is what you got on.
- I'm a hooker.
I know, but you don't have to show everybody.
- I don't? - No! People like a mystery.
Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know? All right, well, first of all, I'm-- I'm not able to afford a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, so that's not gonna happen.
You're not able to afford it now, but get one dress and I guarantee you in six months, your closet will be packed with dresses like that.
Really? - Absolutely.
- ( elevator dings ) Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away.
Yeah, put-- put the tits away.
- Animal prints gone.
- Yeah.
- No more hooker boots.
- None.
Zero.
- Fishnets, out of here.
- Out.
- I think I could do this.
- I think business is gonna boom.
- I really do.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, well - Oh.
I-- I'm so thrilled about this whole thing.
Good luck! Good luck! You can do it! - Larry: Hi.
- Hi.
I'm checking out a lot earlier than I had anticipated.
- Oh, we hate to see you go.
- Okay, 1003.
1003.
And what is the name on 1003? Buck Dancer.
Uh, okay, Mr.
Dancer, let me just bring that up.
- I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine.
It was fine.
Okay, well, be sure to visit our website.
You can always give us some feedback.
We love notes.
- Don't tuck in.
- The sheets? - Don't tuck in? - Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in.
- Too tight for you? - Who sleeps like that? It's suffocating.
- You're right.
- It's absolutely suffocating.
Don't tuck.
I will take that note on advisement.
Those cookies, those are for guests? Oh, absolutely, yes.
We have a wonderful pastry chef.
- Let me know if you need a box.
- Thank you.
( chuckles ) Ah, I see you went for the big ones, Mr.
Dancer, right? - Yes, yes, I got the first.
- Oh, good, good for you.
They're delicious.
Uh, just-- if I may-- uh, we ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies.
Tongs? Yes, yes, I saw the tongs there.
I eschewed the tongs deliberately because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies.
They-- they crumble the cookie.
It's not a good system, the tong.
Uh, we just ask, you know, that you use the tongs, which we sort of provide there on the plate, you know, just for sanitary reasons.
Here, look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take my second cookie with the tongs - Thank you.
- all right? - Perfect.
Great.
- ( grunting ) - ( exhales ) - Seem to be making a moment of it, - but I'll let you have it.
- I wasn't making a moment.
It's just it's hard to hold it.
Let me ask you this question-- who put you in charge of the cookies? Do you oversee the cookies? I was given explicit instructions to look over the lobby, which is my jurisdiction.
So, yes, I oversee the cookies.
Okay, I-- I don't think this is within your jurisdiction.
Well, uh, Mr.
Dancer, I have enjoyed spending so much time with you, and thank you for all your wonderful notes, and, uh, we hope to see you again.
You say the pastry chef made these? Oh, yes.
They're wonderful.
I got news for you, pal.
This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
- Okay? - I This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie, that's it.
Well, I will go to that pastry chef and I will confront him about it.
Don't tell people these are home-made cookies by a pastry chef.
- Okay, no, I-- - Okay.
- I wouldn't and I didn't.
- This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
I don't believe those are Pepperidge Farm cookies.
This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.
All right, Mr.
Dancer, well, I will take that into account-- I'm a little disappointed.
I could buy this in the grocery store on my way home, so.
- Okay.
- But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm.
- Fine, great, okay.
- Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
Linda, can we get these cookies out of the way that he touched? I don't want you to use these doors anymore.
You got that? - They call this shit "overreacting.
" - Is the alarm working? You should worry about that goddamn fireplace.
You're gonna fuck around and forget and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass.
What is this shit? What are you eating? - Beef sticks.
- Beef stick? You know how bad that is for you? Have you ever read the ingredients? Have you ever tried one of these motherfuckers? - They're fucking delicious.
- They're disgusting.
Look, beef, of course, molasses, wheat, brown sugar.
Brown fucking sugar.
I love fucking brown sugar.
You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar? Absolutely.
Anything brown over fucking white.
- Pants? - Of fucking course.
( knocking on door ) Fuck.
Okay, get the door.
- Give me this thing.
- Don't you-- don't you bitch up.
Ask who it is.
Don't forget.
- ( knocking continues ) - I'll answer the door.
- Funkhouser.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Kenny.
- What's up, Kenny? - Hi, Leon.
How you doing? - Hey, man.
Hey, Funk-man.
Funkhouser: LD, come down here.
- To what do I owe the honor? - My nephew, Kenny.
- Kenny, hi.
Larry.
Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree.
- Is that so? - That is so.
- Huh, how about that.
- Straight-A student, okay? - Mm.
Member of six clubs in high school-- runs them all.
He was just voted high school All-American pitcher.
- All right.
- One-of-a-kind.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Now, wait a minute! If he nails his SATs, which he will - Mm-hmm.
- he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship.
I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day.
Well, I mean, I just work hard and-- I'm saying you're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something.
- You ever see that movie? - Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump.
" That motherfucker lived a life.
I mean, I'm not-- I'm not running across the country.
- You ever see a titty? - Larry: What's the matter with you? What kind of a question is that? Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by.
- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
We-- we were just about to eat, so I'll see you, uh - I'd love a sandwich.
- Kenny: Me, too.
- I'm starved.
- I don't wanna impose, though.
We got a lot of meats, man.
All kind of shits in that fridge.
- Funkhouser: Let's do it.
- Kenny: Yeah! - Come on.
- Oh, thank you.
- ( clears throat ) - You like bologna and shit? - Are you fucking kidding me? - You couldn't-- - Let me tell you something.
- This kid's a pitcher? Let's get off that.
Looks like he can't lift a chess piece.
Yeah, you'd have a good time hitting him.
Here, try that mustard.
It's dope.
Leon: Larry has all kind of goodies in here.
All kind of cheeses and meats.
- What are you making? - Sandwiches, baby.
- Who wants a pickle? - Pickles! I want pickles.
- You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right? - No! - Funkhouser: Tap it, tap it.
- Yeah.
Do you need any help? I got it, I got it.
Everybody's gotta be the hero with a pickle jar.
Everybody wants to open it.
You just gotta hit it up.
- Here, give it to the big Funk.
- No, little Funk's got it, okay? - Come on, let me take a shot at it.
- No.
- What are you doing, Kenny? - No, I got it! - Kenny, give me the jar! - I got it.
Ooh! Oh! - Leon: Shit.
- What happened? - I think I heard it crack.
- Your pitching arm? - Yeah, that's my pitching arm.
- Oh, my God.
- We gotta go to the hospital.
- ( cries ) - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Oh, shut up.
- It was an accident! - I never should've brought him over here! He tried to open the pickles, so he took the jar from him, - and you tried to get it from him, too! - You're trying to do too much.
Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy.
- You're doing too much! - Sorry! You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge.
- ( scoffs ) - What do you know? What do you know? ( chatter on TV ) Oh, darling, you're cold.
Here.
- Here, put this around you.
- I'm just excited.
( door opens ) Roger: Well, that's what they want me to do.
- I've got a ticket here - What's up, Larry? - Yeah.
- ( sighs ) I had a horrible night last night.
Horrible.
I couldn't sleep, was up all night.
I heard-- I heard someone at the gate.
I heard voices and somebody creeping around the house.
It, like, freaked me out.
Well, you know what? There was a lot of shit going on last night.
I had a little lady friend come over.
You know, her girlfriend's waiting outside of the car, the kid's in the back seat, jumping around and shit.
- You know? - ( sighs ) And then I had the pizza guy come over.
He came over-- Okay, so-- so it was you.
So you kept me up, essentially.
I didn't keep you up.
Just some normal shit that I do.
I need some-- I need some security in the house.
You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like, a Pinkerton guard or something.
You don't need no Pinkerton guard.
You know what? I'll tell you what.
- Let me handle this shit.
- You're-- you're gonna hire somebody? - What are you gonna do? - What if I get somebody half the price of that Pinkerton motherfucker? I wanna take care of all this security shit you're worried about, okay? I'm gonna get you-- get you back to being Larry.
Sitting around here, looking all frumpy and shit.
Well, no, the only reason I'm wearing this bathrobe is because I left my pajama bottoms-- you know, those red flannel pajamas? - Right.
- I left them at the hotel.
I can't leave a hotel room without leaving something behind.
- Never fails.
- ( doorbell rings ) - Oh.
- Are you expecting somebody? I'm always expecting somebody.
If they show the fuck up, they show the fuck up.
Goodbye, darling.
- Excuse me a minute.
- He's all right, you know.
- He's gonna be all right.
- Hey! - He's alive! - Larry: Oh! - Hey, buddy.
- How you doing? I'm all right.
How are you doing? Oh, God, I'm a mess.
- Yeah, so bad.
- I'd be terrified.
Yeah, and the worst part is the musical's off.
- Oh, you're kidding me.
- No.
It was such a funny idea.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- Um - Nice of you to come over, though, and, uh, say hi.
- That's really sweet of you.
- No.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Um, actually, you know what? ( sighs ) All right, I'm full of shit.
The truth is I'm here to ask-- I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl.
Boom.
( clears throat ) ( scoffs ) - Wow.
- Wow? Yeah, you come over here under these false pretenses to, oh-- to see how I'm doing, and-- and you wanna date-- No! No, I-- no, no, I-- If you're asking me can you date Cheryl, I'd say no.
Let-- let's just step back just a second.
This is a surprise to me, too.
We're friends.
I didn't wanna sneak around behind your back.
I need to, like-- to go with my impulses, and my impulse is I wanna-- I wanna go out with your ex-wife.
How would you like it if I went out with Mary, huh? - Would you like that? - Don't be stupid.
( scoffs ) What does that mean? It means you're-- you wanna call my ex-wife, Mary Steenburgen-- - Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out? - Oh.
Oh, Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen? - I-- I just-- - Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it? I didn't say that, but there's something in there.
- ( overlapping voices ) - Oh, okay, all right.
You know what? I'll call her right now.
How's that? How's that? I'll call Mary.
- Fine.
- Okay? Okay? You want me to? - Do it.
- Okay.
But then can we get back to this real subject? Mary! - I can't believe it.
- Hey, it's Larry David.
- Hi, Larry! - Hey! - How you doing? - Good, good.
Hey, Mar, um, let-- let me ask you something.
You know what's going on with Ted and Cheryl? Ted told me he was interested in seeing her and I told him to go for it.
Well, um ( clears throat ) I was kind of wondering ( scoffs ) you know, if he's gonna go out with her, why, uh-- why don't you go out with me? ( chuckles ) Wow, Lar.
Oh, my gosh.
( stammering ) Um, I just-- God, I love you so much.
I don't know if we have anything in common that way, you know? - Do you think? - Well, we're both people.
We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat, so we have-- we have that in common.
Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody, but I was-- I was just meaning, like, you know, maybe you're just not my physical type.
Sure.
Sure, I understand.
Hope we can have lunch or go shopping or do something together soon.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, bye.
- Bye, Lar.
- What'd she say? - No.
- Mm.
- Not really her type.
- Huh.
- At least, physically.
- Okay.
Well, hey - Yeah.
- So, you gonna go ahead with this? - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- You should know that she doesn't give blowjobs.
- Just - That's okay.
Okay? Sex only in the dark.
She's a little revolted by the penis.
- Really? - She won't look at it.
- She won't even touch it, okay? - Well, maybe that's changed.
- It won't change, okay? - All right, good luck with the fatwa.
Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for being so concerned about it.
( car door closes ) - You're in trouble, Larry.
- Yeah.
Yeah! I know.
Tell me about it.
- I like that.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah, hides the Jew.
Ah, thank you.
Thank you.
That's lovely.
Lovely compliment.
Thank you very much.
- Very sweet.
- What are you doing here, Larry? - Huh? - Well, you know - What? - this has been very, very difficult for me.
And I'm thinking, who can help me? I don't know any Muslims.
They're not in show business.
They don't hang out at the deli.
Am I supposed to go into a mosque and then start chatting them up? Sure, maybe I can make a little more effort to seek them out, but they're not really coming up to me either! Do you need my help, Larry?! Yes.
Yes.
- I know people.
- You do? - Mm, I know people.
- Imams, mufti? - "Moofti.
" - "Moofti"? - "Moofti.
" - It's "moofti.
" Huh.
I always thought it was "muffti.
" Anyway, so do you know a mufti? - I know other people.
- Who? Who do you know? I know the consul of Iran.
You know the consul? - Is that so? - Yes.
Look at you! You are really something! - Eh.
- How do you know the consul? I have my connections.
Are you a-- are you a plotter? Are you one of the plotters? - Do you plot? - I've plotted before.
- You've plotted? - I've plotted.
Wow.
You're on my side, right? Fuck me, you godless fuck! You infidel fucking Jew! Try and keep it kosher, could you? You fatwa fucking bastard! ( moans ) - I'm a fatwa fuck.
- Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry.
Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam! Donald Trump! ( panting ) Steve Bannon! Jared Kushner.
Mike Pence! Kellyanne Conway! - Mitch McConnell! - Yeah! - Rudy Giuliani! - ( moaning ) - ( moaning ) - Yeah, yeah! Rougher, Larry! Rougher! Sentence me to an orgasm - like you've been sentenced to death! - You're choking me! - ( screaming ) - Is this a fatwa! This is a fatwa! Fa-fa-fa-fatwa! - ( door bursts open ) - Fatwa! Fatwa! - ( screaming ) - Leon: Hey! Hey! No fatwa up in here! No fatwa! - What? - No fatwa! Yeah, Larry, that's Swat, your knew security.
You can thank me later for that shit.
Yeah, I'm not even gonna bring up the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses.
Hey, Swat, break her ass in half! Hello, is this-- is this Mr.
Khashayar? - Yes, this is he.
- Yeah, this is, um-- this is Larry David.
I'm a friend of Shara Ghorbani.
She said that perhaps there might be a way, you know, to set up a, uh-- a meeting.
It's better if you don't come here under the circumstances - Hey, Larry.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
Could you hold on one second? Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone.
Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room.
Where the towels at? They're down the hall in the linen closet.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I have two nincompoops in my house, unfortunately.
- Anyway, so, um-- - I would suggest a video conference.
- Oh.
- I can arrange for that if you like.
Oh, you wanna set up a video call? Yeah, the video call would work great.
- Yes, excellent.
- Yeah.
Good.
I will have one of my staff members contact you to arrange for it.
- Yeah, I-- - Hey, Larry! Wait, I'm sorry.
Hold on one more sec.
What the fuck is wrong with you?! Shh, I'm on the phone! This goddamn towel's hard as fuck, man.
Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone! I'll be there in a second.
Shut up! These towels too rough, man.
- I like a softer towel.
- Hey, Swat? Swat?! Shut up! Yeah, I'm sorry.
No, it's the nincompoops again.
- Nincompoops? - I'll wait to hear from your office.
- Larry! - As I said, they will be in contact.
- Okay.
Yes, all right, thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr.
David.
What's so important about these fucking towels? Swat: Look, these towels are a little too rough, man.
I like a soft towel, Lar.
He wants something more velvety.
Velvet, it doesn't even dry you, velvet.
It doesn't-- it doesn't get the water off.
A harder, coarser towel works a lot better for drying.
If I don't use something velvety, I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar.
- You want me to go shopping for towels? - It'd be nice.
The man's a guest in your house.
He's your fucking security.
- He's gonna take care of you.
- By the way, you need to familiarize yourself with that.
- What? What is this? - It's a list.
- Persimmons.
You eat persimmons? - Antioxidants.
No stone fruit? I'm telling you, they kill me, Larry.
I'll drop dead right on this fucking carpet.
Even the "oals" will fuck me up.
- Even the what? - The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up.
If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring no stone fruit in the fucking house.
So now I can't have stone fruit? Yeah.
Absolutely, we will send that right up.
All right, thank you very much.
- Hello.
- Ah, Mr.
Dancer.
I'm sorry to report that I left a pair of pajama bottoms in my room, which was 1003.
- So just pajama bottoms.
- Fantastic pajamas, by the way.
- I don't doubt it.
- I mean, the best feature about them is that the flannel's thick, so they obfuscate the penis, so you could walk around with other people in the house and you don't see any flopping, as opposed to the pair that I have now, my-- my second pair.
- Okay.
- A little thinner.
You see the clear outline of the penis-- very unpleasant.
- I will check in the back and I will be right with you.
- Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Are you in charge of the-- the cookies? Um, yeah, I guess so.
So you oversee the whole cookie operation? Uh, I don't bake them, but I-- Well, they're not baked, they're bought in a store.
But that's neither here nor there.
Let me just ask you about the display here.
- Okay.
- Was this whole idea yours-- the display, the tongs, the whole thing? - Um - 'Cause I have to tell you, the tong is not a friend of the cookie by any stretch of the imagination.
Okay, you must be Mr.
Dancer.
- Yes! Yes.
- Yes.
- I am.
- Okay.
What I believe you should be thinking about is separating the cookies so people can use their fingers and not the tongs.
No friend of the cookie.
May I just demonstrate what I'm talking about? - No, sir, please don't.
- Just watch how easy this is.
- It's hotel policy.
- You see how easy I picked that out? - It was so simple.
- Mr.
Dancer.
I successfully was able to find your pajama bottoms, and I see that you are not using our tongs again.
No, I was just merely demonstrating something - I asked him to use the tongs.
- I know you did, Claudia.
- Thank you very much.
- And by the way, you're not even in charge of the cookies.
- Claudia is.
- I asked you to please follow our policy, and you are no longer a guest here, actually, so I'm just now asking you - to just respect that.
- Ah, what?! What?! Oh, my God! The tongs dropped on the floor, you put them back on the table?! - I wiped them.
- She wiped them.
That's like eating off the floor! - It's the same thing! - It's not at all the same.
It is the same thing! You might as well put the floor on the table! - Okay, you know what? - This is a disgrace! Okay, you know what is a disgrace, that we're having this conversation again.
And here is what I'm gonna say to you right now-- don't ever return to this hotel-- I'm serious-- or I will call the cops.
Like I would wanna return to a hotel that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies and trying to pass them off as if you have a pastry chef! Fine, and if you do, I will call the police, Mr.
Buck Dancer.
Funkhouser: Kenny was a perfect kid, and look what's happened here! Look what's happened to my jewel, my nephew, who is an all-star pitcher.
He's up there now in a cast! Why did you have to fight him for the pickle?! Why did I have to fight him? You fought him for the pickles, too! I didn't fight him; I let it go! Oh, you let it go.
You tried to open that pickle jar just like I did! Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero.
You broke his elbow, okay? Are you happy? He's just a different kid.
His personality has changed.
He's filled with angst.
He's, like, ready to explode.
And you wanna know why? The way he relaxes is the way all men relax.
It's called "ejaculation.
" He can't use the right hand, okay? This is his ejaculator, okay? It's done, it's in a cast.
- Yeah.
- Mr.
Kenny, some lunch! - What the hell is this shit?! Fuck! - ( glass shattering ) You call this lunch?! Take your banana and shove it up your ass! - Get out! Get the fuck out! - Señor, he's crazy! - Leave me the fuck alone! - ( clattering ) I don't even know him anymore.
- Wow.
- I'm scared to death of him.
He can't masturbate.
He can't make it come out.
- He can't go left? - No, he can't go to his left.
- Can you go to your left? - Eh, nobody can.
- No one can.
- Yeah.
It's funny, though, there's other things I can do lefty.
I can eat lefty, I can brush my teeth lefty.
There's a big difference.
You need rotation, you need tempo, you need feel.
I don't know what's gonna happen 'cause he can't concentrate anymore.
He told me today he doesn't give a shit about the SATs.
He doesn't care about Stanford.
He doesn't care about anything.
- Wow.
- He's lost his will.
Hey! I met this woman in the-- in the hotel, and I think-- I think she could help him.
What does she do? She's a-- she's a prostitute.
( Leon sighs ) Okay, here's the deal.
You're gonna go in there, you're gonna go to the right, - near the front desk.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gonna try and open this jar of pickles.
- Okay.
It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's gonna come over and try and help, and then I'm gonna sneak in so the guy doesn't see me - and try and find Paula, okay? - Right, right, right.
This is called the "pickle gambit.
" I like that, man.
Hey, it's cool.
- What's my name? - All right, that's irrelevant.
- Okay? - What do you mean it's irrelevant? - Okay, you want a name? - I want a fucking name! Okay, uh, Chick Gandil, that's your name.
He played first base for the 1919 White Sox, the team that threw the World Series.
Wait a fucking minute.
I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox.
Would you prefer somebody from the Negro leagues? Yeah, give me a fucking name.
- Chappie Johnson.
- That's a black man's name right there.
That's fucking great.
I love it.
- All right.
- I could do that shit.
- Okay, get in there.
- I got you.
Okay, I'm a-- I'm a diversion.
I got you.
I fucking got you, Lar, all right? ( grunts ) My name is Chappie Johnson and I can't open this damn pickle jar.
- Let me take a crack at that.
- I can help you with that.
I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a second.
Give it here, Chappie.
Give me a shot at it.
Guys, I saw from over there.
Let me just get a run at it, all right? I'm small, but you'd be surprised.
( grunting ) ( voices overlapping ) Leon: Let me see that, let me see that.
( grunts ) Just try it again.
Put force into it.
- I didn't-- - I got it, I got it.
I didn't get a good run at it.
Come on! Larry, it's me.
Oh, my God.
( gasps ) Oh, my God! - Look at you.
- Do you like it? I-- I'm stunned! This is-- I-- my mind's exploding! - Oh, my gosh.
- This is incredible.
- Look at you.
Look at you! - Oh, really? - Ugh! - You think so? Well, I am so happy, and I owe it all to you.
- It worked.
- It worked.
It worked.
My life has been changed.
Business-- never been better.
The men-- gentle, respectful.
I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah! You are a visionary.
I don't know what I can do to properly show my thanks.
You don't have to do anything.
The mere fact that you're happier having sex with a multitude of strangers, that's all-- that's all the thanks I need.
Aw, Larry! That's awesome.
Thank you! You know what? This is unbelievable that I actually ran-- I came here specifically looking for you.
- Oh, you did? - Yes, I did.
- Oh, that's amazing! - Yeah, because I actually do - need your services.
- You do? - Yes.
- Okay, well, fine.
It's for-- it's for my friend's nephew.
- His name is Kenny Funkhouser.
- Of course! Tell me when and where.
I'll be there.
- No problem.
- Fanta-- - I feel great, I feel great.
- Hey, do you want a drink? - Just a quick drink? - Uh, no let's get a, uh-- let's raid the minibar like normal people.
( both chuckling ) - I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Yes.
( both chuckling, chattering ) Claudia: Here, give it to me, give it to me! Man: You can't open it! Claudia: We need to get a butter knife.
- Come on, let me give it another try.
- No.
( Ted and Cheryl chuckling ) ( chattering ) Man: We need a plier, we need a plier.
But a hatchet will shatter the entire jar.
- Man: Get a plier.
- Leon: She can't open it.
- What, 'cause I'm a woman? - Yeah, exactly! ( Claudia grunts ) - We need one more shot.
- Give me that! - Mr.
Dancer! - ( grunts ) All: Whoa! - Larry: Huh?! - Wow.
- Yeah! - Wow, are you serious? Are you for-- Claudia, get security.
I'll keep Mr.
Buck Dancer here.
- Okay? - No, I gotta get-- Manager: I don't care, I don't care.
I'm not touching cookies, I'm not talking tongs! I don't care! I warned you if you came back here, this would happen.
- Get out of my way, baldy! - Ah-ah! - That is it, sir.
You are out of here.
- Unhand me, you brute! I have dementia! What the? Unbelievable! - As often as I can.
- Really? - Yes - No.
( chatter continues ) ( car horn honking ) - Paula: So, are you nervous? - A little.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.
- You just lay back and relax.
- Okay.
- ( chuckles ) - I like your dress.
Aw, thanks! I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue.
- Oh, that-- that's a nice store.
- Mm-hmm.
Take your clothes off, Kenny.
You know, Mary, she's with this guy, he's bald with glasses-- he looks just like me! She said I wasn't her type.
Unbelievable.
And now Ted-- Ted's going out with Cheryl.
- What about that? - Well, you haven't been married to her in a long time.
There's nothing wrong with that! Would you do something like that? You wanna go out with Cheryl, you do it behind my back.
- You'd never know.
- That's the way to do it.
Yeah.
I called Cheryl.
- I called her twice.
- For what? Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, and shopping tips and stuff like that.
- We had a cup of coffee.
- You're kidding.
- Two movies.
- What?! A walk in the park.
Yeah, well, it's not a big deal.
One dinner.
I went behind your back! It's the only way to go! - Yeah, that's true.
- ( Paula giggling ) Boy, Kenny sounds like he's having some fun.
Tough to listen to, though.
- ( Kenny moans ) - Oh, my God.
Oh, I got a-- I got a Skype thing with the Iranian consul guy.
I'll see you later.
I'm not staying here by myself.
( door opens ) ( door closes ) Mr.
David, at last we meet face-to-face.
Heh-hey! Hey, look at this! Modern technology, sir.
What-- what exactly does a consul do? It's a Let's just say if you wanted to come to Iran one day and visit, you would be going through myself.
I'm not setting foot in that place, with all due respect.
Not gonna set foot there.
Excuse me.
- What is that? - A cookie.
What are you using, tongs? Yes.
We use tongs.
- In fact, we invented the tong.
- Okay.
All right, Mr.
Consul, let's, uh-- let's not go crazy here.
You invented the tong.
I don't think so.
I don't see Iran as the tong inventor.
Mr.
David, I have a very busy agenda today.
Please let me know how I can help you.
Well, um, you're aware of my situation, of course, and I was hoping beyond hope that somehow you could perhaps put in a good word for me, tell the ayatollah how profoundly sorry I am for what I did and said and Mr.
David, you have come to the right person because-- I tell you this in confidence-- I am a huge fan of your work.
I have watched every episode of "Seinfeld.
" ( gasps ) This is-- this is really, truly remarkable.
Is that so? What's your favorite episode? ( chuckles ) Isn't everybody's favorite episode the puffy shirt? It's unbelievable! I also love the one with the close talker.
Ugh, oh, my God! I must tell you something, Mr.
David.
The ayatollah himself is a bit of a close talker.
- Is that so? - Yes! Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close to that guy, to tell you the truth.
It doesn't look like he's popping Life Savers in his mouth all day long, you know? Ah, yes, well - Okay.
- Paula: All right.
Paula: Okay, oh, yeah! Come on.
Come on, honey! You can do it, you can do it! - Come on, come on! - ( Kenny screams ) - ( both moaning ) - I'm coming, Larry! Paula: Oh, God, you're so good! - Larry! - ( Paula screams ) I am very confident that we can accomplish something here together.
Thank you so much.
I'm so appreciative and-- - ( Paula screaming ) - Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty! What the-- oh! Oh, my God! - Oh, no! - What is that? Oh, oh! No! No, no! Swat, Swat! Not her, not her! Just get rid of the Muslims! ( stammering ) No, it's a game! That's a game! Mr.
Consul! ( screams )