Curb Your Enthusiasm s10e02 Episode Script

Side Sitting

(theme music playing) Okay, I just wanted to take you through the main points of the sexual harassment complaint - from your assistant.
- Right.
The first contention is you yanked at her clothes.
(scoffs) I yanked at her-- I cleaned my glasses.
- Cleaned your glasses.
- Her shirttail was sticking out.
I cleaned my glasses.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
- Send me to the cooler.
- I don't want you to worry about it.
I can handle this.
If she gets anything at all here, it would be a travesty.
And I would, I would leave the country.
I don't know where I'd go, but I would leave.
I hear Canada is a good place, maybe.
- But it's cold.
- I don't recommend moving to Canada.
What about-- what about like a Pacific island or something? I want to assure you that as upsetting as this is, I think we'll either be able to make it go away or come to a reasonable settlement.
- What? Come to a what? - An amicable arrangement-- A settlement? A reasonable settlement? "Millions for defense.
Not one cent for tribute.
" That's what we said when the British were impressing our seamen.
You, you know they tried to impress our seamen, right? They'd be on the ship, they'd yell across at one of our ships.
"Hey, there! We have the best dental plan in all of Europe.
Why, look at our bicorn hats and fancy brass buttons.
How's that, sailors? Are you impressed by that?" Anything else we haven't gone over? - Hmm.
- Okay.
If anything comes to you after this conversation - You'll be the first to know.
- You're in your car, you're driving home - Yeah.
- pick up the phone.
- Really? - Yeah.
If I do happen to call you, which I very well could, does that mean that I'll be charged for the time? In this office, we, uh, we try to use a holistic approach - to compensation.
- Mm.
We want our clients not to be inhibited in their use of our services.
So you charge me.
Uh, all right, I think that takes care of it.
- May I use your bathroom? - Yeah, the bathroom's, uh, just to your right, down the hall.
Right there at reception where you came in, there's a little jog in the hallway.
I already saw that, but I'm here, and, you know, it's - an infinitely better bathroom than to send me to a public-- - Oh, it's nothing special.
You'll be much happier down the hall.
We just redid 'em.
They're great.
I'll leave it exactly the way I found it.
I'm like a murderer going in there.
I completely expunge all evidence that I was ever there.
Motion denied, as they say in the profession.
Where is it? Roger: Down the hall and to the right.
- Mr.
- Validation, please.
(scoffs) Is that a problem? Well, I mean, to be perfectly honest, do you really think that you need it? It's not about the money, okay? It's about having to go into your pants pocket, in a car when you're paying.
Have you ever been in a car trying to get to your pocket? - It does seem like a great deal of effort.
- Yes.
This is why homeless people don't make a lot of money from people in cars, 'cause nobody wants to go into their pockets.
There you are, Mr.
You have a lovely day.
Uh, you know what? This is only for an hour.
I was here for at least an hour-ten.
Sure thing.
Here, Mr.
You have a good day.
Hope to see you again.
I intend to be in this building a lot.
- That's fantastic.
- (elevator dings) (phone chiming) Hello? Larry, uh, this is Dr.
- Yeah? - I'm not liking some of the numbers I'm seeing and would like to test you for thyroid cancer.
(gasps softly) Dr.
Bahn (over phone): I would like to get an MRI just to be safe.
Is there a mass? Yes.
There is a mass.
Has it spread? Well, that we don't know, and that's why I'd like to get you in for some tests today.
- What are my odds? Dr.
Bahn: - Uh, Larry, it's way too early to be thinking that way.
Just contact my office, and, uh, we should get the results in two days.
(groans) (table whirring) Andy: - And a two of hearts.
Richard: - Ooh, lucky you.
Possible flush, no straight.
- Go ahead, Leon.
You got the bet.
- Woo! - You got the bet.
- See what I got.
Larry: - Come on, spend some money.
- Bam! - Nope.
Andy: - Swat? - Richard? - Two.
- (clatters) - Ooh.
- All right, I'm in.
- (clattering) Why weren't you at the fundraiser the other night? - For the prison art collectors? - What, what, what fundraiser? For the prisoners who draw art.
I sent you the invitation.
Why weren't you there? - I never got the invite.
- We sent it.
Never got it.
Must have got lost in the mail.
Aah, boy.
I don't trust the mail anymore.
I swear I don't.
That stinks.
I would have gone to that.
- You would have enjoyed it.
Leon: - Wow.
Andy: All right, next card is a ten of spades.
- (sputters) I'm out.
I fold.
Andy: - Okay, he's out.
Go ahead.
Andy: You're out.
You check.
Richard: - I fold.
- Fold.
- Really? - I just wanna give you-- Yeah.
I wanna give you a heads up.
Susie's birthday is in about a week.
Why are you giving me a heads up? - Uh, she told me to tell you.
- (laughing) - Get the hell out of here.
She told you to tell me? - Yeah.
As a matter of fact, she wants a camera.
She's shameless, this woman.
She's shameless.
- It's unbelievable.
- Wow.
You don't get to pick your gift, okay? - I'm not a Sears catalog.
- Just lettin' you know.
Just lettin' you know.
Anyway, I already got her something.
It's gonna be a nice surprise.
- Really? Larry: - Yeah.
All right, nine is the last card.
You got the bet.
Go ahead.
You guys are out.
Go ahead.
I just want you to know before you bet, I have a pair of aces.
Twenty bucks, aces.
I have a pair of aces.
I call.
What do you have? Larry: - Okay.
I got three nines.
- (all groaning) - Ooh! Shit! Andy: - That's unbelievable.
- Huh? Leon: - Ate your ass for dinner.
On the river, you get a nine.
Richard: Cincinnati Kid.
You are the luckiest guy around.
- Honest to God.
- Yeah, yeah, luckiest guy around.
I went to the doctor this week, and, I, uh She found something, and - She's testing for, you know, cancer, so Jeff: - Wow.
- I'll find out in a few days.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm sure it's nothing, you know.
Jeff: - You're kidding me.
Leon: Shit, Larry.
God damn.
You're up.
Well, I just want to let you know, lettin' you know, - if you do have cancer - Mm.
I can't be your friend anymore.
I-I'm not a cancer friend.
I can't do the cancer friend.
- That's not me.
It's too much.
Too much.
- Mm.
You know, I gotta agree with Jeff.
If you get cancer, I'll never speak to you again.
Andy: - Wow.
- I get that.
When I found out my daddy had cancer, I never spoke to that man again.
- I even stopped taking his calls.
- Wow.
Really? Swat: - Yep.
- Did he die? I don't know.
- Mm.
- Whoa.
Leon: That's fuckin' deep, man.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I have a proposal.
Let's make a little deal here, okay? A no-cancer friend reciprocity pact.
If anyone gets it, we all stop being friends with you, and vice versa.
- There you go! - Very gracious of you! (chattering) Don't fuck up.
Don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you.
- All right.
- Leon, your deal.
Come on, let's play poker.
Leon: - Let's go, baby.
Jeff: - Okay.
Sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.
- You know what? I detest every single person in a car.
- There are a lot of stupid drivers, yeah.
- Yeah.
How are you feeling? I'm better.
- I'm a lot better.
- I'm really sorry about that talc incident.
I say next time, just do the shower, yeah.
Oh, geez, look at, look at this thing.
- Huh? - Yeah, I know, it's-- Jesus, look, look, what-- I, I don't understand it.
- Another wobbly table.
- I know.
They're all over.
It's an epidemic.
I'm gonna end the wobbly table epidemic, in my coffee house.
- Mm.
- Ours are gonna be cemented in - They're gonna be cemented in the ground.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what? I think I'll do a little, uh, a little side-sitting.
- A side-sit? - Yeah.
A side-sit.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- Why? What's the big deal? - Well, it's, uh, very intimate.
I-- This is too far to talk to somebody.
It feels a little close.
- I don't think so.
- Okay.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Larry: It's my mailman.
His name's Lionel.
Cheryl: - Lionel? Larry: - Yeah.
- Take care.
Have a good day.
Hostess: - Thank you.
You too.
Something about that guy gives me the creeps.
- Yeah.
- Um - How are you doing? - Good.
Can I introduce you to my friend, the elephant? - (chuckles) - Huh? He's a big boy.
- Keeps growing.
- Yes, yes.
I mean, how do you feel about it? Well, I feel the same as I've always felt.
I think we should I think we should be together.
Yeah, I don't I don't think that's a good idea.
I think we need to end it, call it off.
I think we should be apart.
You know, I (clears throat) I was at the doctor, and I'm waiting to get some test results back.
What kind of tests? Could be cancer? It's just a test, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's a test, but - it's a test for cancer.
- Right.
I mean, a lot of people get tested.
Not for cancer.
- Yeah, a lot of people get tested for cancer.
- No, this is cancer.
- It's a cancer test.
- I know a lot of people-- No, this is cancer.
- Um - Serious, serious test.
- Could you excuse us for a sec? - Sure.
Well, I hope your tests come back negative, but we're not gonna get back together.
Hypothetically, suppose she told me I had two years.
Would that alter your thinking about us at all? - You mean, get together for two years until you died? - Yeah.
I think you'd have a pretty good time.
- Do you? Yeah.
- Yeah, I'd be complaining a little bit.
But I can get a nurse and complain to the nurse and leave you out of that part.
Well, let's see what the tests say.
You know, we could do a lot of traveling.
You don't like to travel.
Would you mind if I brought the nurse along? Okay.
I think we're good the way we are.
All right.
(sighs) - What are you gonna get? - I don't give a fuck.
Milos: Okay, Mr.
- Almost finished.
Just need to pick up two-- Larry: - Hey, Milos! - (Milos laughs) - How ya doing? - Good.
How are you? - Good.
You coming over to the coffee store later? - Of course.
I'll be there.
I got to finish up.
See you.
- Beautiful.
Thank you.
- Milos, he's gonna be doing some work in the coffee place.
- Yeah, he's fantastic.
Wh-what's that? It's a little somethin' for your wife.
A birthday present.
Huh? So how'd it go with Cheryl? Not gonna happen.
- No! - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Well, you know, it's a long shot, anyway.
- Did you think it would happen? - No, I knew it was a long shot, but what are, you know, what are you gonna do? I'll tell you what you do.
You're gonna get back out there.
You can't date now.
You can't-- How do you even make a move in this climate? Plus, I got that sexual harassment thing from the, uh, assistant.
And I'm old and bald.
- Old and bald.
- Yeah.
- That means nothing.
- Please.
Are you kidding? - You're rich! - You think rich beats old and bald? You could have mutton chops and wear a, a cartoon tie of, uh, Felix the Cat.
Some old-timey cartoon.
(laughing) You can, you can paint them blue, and wear an Abe Lincoln hat.
You'll be fine.
- Really? - Trust me.
I'm gonna get back out there.
I gotta ask you something.
The other night at poker, that invitation, it, it didn't get lost.
- No, of course not.
- You made that whole thing up.
- Yeah.
Totally made it up.
- Oh, you're good.
Blame it on the mailman.
- Blame it on the mailman.
- Yeah.
Susie: - Jeffrey! - Oh - Oh, hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.
- I didn't know you were here.
Larry: - I am here.
- Yeah? What? - Stand right there.
Susie: - Okay.
- Don't move.
What? What? What? - What is that? - What is it? It's for you! - For your birthday! - You've never gotten me a birthday gift.
I did this year! Yeah, what is it? What is it? Susie: Oh, my God.
Larry! - Oh, my God! - Huh? You love it? Larry: I had it commissioned.
A great artist.
Gave me a big discount.
- You had this made for me? - Yeah.
- From you, of all people, 'cause you're not a giver.
- No.
Susie: - Oh, my God.
- (mouthing words) It's absolutely magnificent.
It's magnificent.
It's a work of art.
It's not just 'cause it's me.
(stammers) All is forgiven.
Everything you've ever done, every horrible thing you've done to me is forgiven for this.
What are you talking about? What have I done? - Oh, my God.
Jeff, what - What are you forgiving? Oh, wait a minute.
I gotta go talk to this fuckin' Milos.
Screwing up my deck.
Hey, Milos! Milos! What were you thinking? I thought I told you a camera, a fucking camera.
Susie: - This is mahogany cream.
- You fucked me.
- What? - It's shit.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Milo: - I wrote it down.
Mahogany cream.
- Yes! This is mahogany cream! - This is not mahogany cream! - This is mahogany cream.
I'm not paying for this piece of shit crap! You redo it, or you don't get paid.
It's bullshit! - That poor bastard never had a chance.
- No.
- Mr.
David? - Yeah? I've heard that you're going around telling people that I've lost their invitations? Wh-where'd you get that from? Andy and Cassie David told me.
Can I tell you a little story? I got invited to some kind of fundraiser, prison art something.
I-- you know, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that.
So I said I never got the invitation.
It got lost in the mail.
- Lost in the mail.
- Yeah.
So, I'm the mail.
- Yes.
In this particular case-- - I'm the guy that is delivering the mail, so that is a stain on an otherwise perfect record.
I've never lost a piece of mail.
- Come on.
All right.
- Listen, I just need you to please go tell Andy and Cassie the truth about this.
I'll consider it.
Look, can I give you a little tip? If you're gonna confront somebody and ask them to do something like this, it's better to do it with pants on.
The shorts This is the required uniform for a postman.
- Really? - Yeah.
And the socks, too? - That's part of it? The black socks? - Right.
Post Office issued socks.
They issue socks? - Yeah.
- How many pairs? What does that have to do with this? I'm just curious how often you have to wash those socks.
They give you five or six pairs, and you rotate them.
Okay? - How many pairs of shorts do they give you? - Listen.
If you don't want to go to something, don't go, but don't hide behind the US Postal Service.
It's hard to take a person seriously wearing shorts.
I'm at work, doing work.
This is my work uniform.
- I'm confronting you.
- I'm giving you, I'm giving you-- (phone chiming) Excuse me one second.
I was giving you a good tip.
- Good advice.
- Take the call.
- I'm givin' you good advice.
- Just take the call.
Hello? - Larry David? Larry (over phone): - Yes? It's Dr.
The test results came back.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Bahn (over phone): As you know, we did a fine-needle biopsy, - on the mass.
- Oh, my God.
This is bad.
Bahn: - And an MRI.
- It's bad.
It's bad.
What? It's just a benign cyst, not cancerous.
- You're clean as a whistle.
- Ah! Ha-ha! Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Oh, thank you.
Thank you! Dr.
Bahn: - You're welcome.
Ah! Negative! Negative! - Ah! - Just okay? - Fine.
The matter at hand-- - I'll, I'll talk to 'em.
- Please tell Andy and Cassie - I'll talk to 'em.
I'll talk to 'em.
Rita: Mr.
Swindell will be here in five minutes.
- Make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.
All right.
(toilet flushing) - Okay.
Hey, Larry.
Larry: - Oh, hey! - Sorry to keep you waiting.
- Oh, no, no.
Don't be silly.
All's good? You've been well? Funny you should mention it, 'cause I had a bit of a scare at the doctor, I just got the results back, and, uh I'm good.
Oh, that's great.
You must be relieved.
Well, I'm relieved, except it's been two days since I found out, and not one of my friends has inquired as to how the test turned out, not one.
- I see.
- I'm gonna dump the whole bunch of 'em.
- I'll get myself some new friends.
- That's great news.
- Maybe, uh, maybe we could strike up a friendship.
- I'm relieved for you.
I, I have a busy life, and, uh but, uh, I am, I am really relieved - that you got the news that you got.
- Mm, thank you.
And I have some other good news for you, too.
Which is that Ms.
Huff's team gave me a call, and she would like to meet with you.
(gasps) Face-to-face, just the two of you alone in a public place, of course.
Alice wants to meet? The fact that she is reaching out is great.
That's fantastic.
Maybe she's come to her senses.
If you just give her the chance to air whatever she wants to air, listen to her, and maybe Yeah, sure, yeah.
I'll listen.
I'll-- we'll air.
Yeah, listen and air.
Roger: Then the whole thing could go away.
- That's good news.
Look at you.
The bearer of good tidings.
- Uh, sorry.
Hold on one second.
Just to get a tissue.
What's up? Problem? Did you use my bathroom? What? No.
Absolutely not.
Why would I use your bathroom? You told me not to.
I mean, you did ask to use it.
Yes, I did, but you were quite emphatic about it.
And, uh, you know, well, what am I gonna do? - That's, that's the rule.
- Your interest was not casual.
I'm telling you the truth.
- It's your old pal.
- Mr.
Beautiful view here.
How long did it take you to take it for granted? Um not long, I guess.
It would take me about a day, maybe less, maybe a half an hour.
And I would never look out the window again and go, "Ooh, look at that view.
" Anyway, here for some validation.
Can I ask you something? Swindell-- have you ever used his bathroom? (quietly): - I have.
- What? Why fly public when you can fly private, am I right? I mean, the public toilets, forget it.
- Don't get me started.
- You can't do it.
Have you been in a woman's restroom? Do you know how vile women can be? Women? Oh, that's nothing compared to a men's room, nothing.
You guys get to stand up.
We have to sit down.
Hey, you know what? I'll take you out for a night on the town.
We'll go toilet-hopping.
We'll, we'll look at men's rooms and ladies' rooms, and we'll make a little comparison.
Would you like to do that? - As in a date? - Yes, yes, a date.
I know this is something you've probably been dreaming about most of your life.
"Oh, dear God, please let me meet an old bald man, who will take me toilet-hopping, from toilet to toilet, throughout the town.
Please, God.
Please make that happen.
" I'm game.
I, I, I don't even know what to say.
I'm shocked.
- Validation? - Yes.
And your name is? My name is Rita.
You'll be hearing from me.
You lucky gal! What? What? Larry? - Hey.
- What's in there? Oh, it's a, uh coffee place.
I'm opening up a spite store to take him out of business.
I don't know what a spite store is, and I don't really care.
- I want to talk to you about something.
- Sure.
Somebody told me you were side-sitting Cheryl.
- Who told you that? - The mailman.
He said he was in a restaurant and saw you side-sitting.
You're making too much about a side-sit.
I side-sit with everybody.
I side-sit with my doctor, I side-sit with my therapist.
I've never seen you side-sit anybody.
If you ever see me sitting, you'll see me side-sitting.
(phone chiming) Hello? What were you thinkin' gettin' Susie that painting? Aah, I'm-I'm so sorry.
It stares at me! It's just there! I go for a snack, it's staring at me! I wish there was somethin' I could do.
Well, I told you to get her a camera! Why couldn't you get her a camera?! I should have given her the camera.
Jeff (over phone): Next time get her a camera! Believe me, there won't be a next time! Good! Don't get her anything again! I will never give anyone a gift again.
What do you think about that? Jeff: I think it's the best idea you've had all day! - I'm done with presents! - My birthday's coming up in a month! - What are you gettin' me?! - Nothin'! Jeff: - Ha! Thank you! - You're welcome! Aah! - I like what you did with this apartment.
- Thank you.
Larry: - You play the piano? Rita: - I don't.
I borrowed it.
You don't play, and you borrowed a piano? It was a joke.
I didn't borrow the piano.
Well, that's quite a, uh That's quite an attempt at a joke.
Thank you.
You could use it.
That's okay.
All right, well, we've come to that juncture in the evening where a move of some kind is either required or, uh expected.
I agree.
- You agree? - I do.
- That's good.
That's good.
Now - That's good.
given the current climate, I would like to ask you a series of questions to determine how comfortable you are with physical contact as it progresses.
All right.
That sounds fair.
I'd like to begin by taking my right hand and place it on your right shoulder.
- Would that be acceptable? - That is acceptable.
- Ah.
- Okay.
- Now I'd like to take this left hand of mine - Yes.
and place it under your rib cage, fairly close to the right breast, but keeping a safe distance.
That is acceptable.
- There we go.
- That's very nice.
Ah! By the way, throughout this process, I would encourage any feedback.
- Well, and I would expect the same from you.
- Oh.
How would you feel about a little grazing of the lips? I think I would feel very good about that.
Well, then a grazing you shall have.
And now I would like to graze again, but this time, with some intertwining of the tongue.
- We could do that.
- Excellent! Hmm.
Well, now I think we have to take a little break.
With your permission, of course, I would like to take a video in order to document the evening.
You know, just in case there are any discrepancies of the he-said, she-said variety.
- Would you be able to forward that to me? - Of course.
I will forward it to you and cc, or bcc to anyone you like.
- (phone beeps) - Begin session.
- This is Rita.
- Hi.
Um, Rita, you're here under your own volition? - I am.
- Nobody forced you here.
Isn't that correct? That is correct.
Nobody forced me.
- You're not here under duress of any kind? - No.
- You're kind of enjoying yourself, are you not? - I am.
Nothing, uh, untoward has happened.
Nothing's happened without your permission.
- Absolutely not.
- Thus far.
- Let's continue.
- Let's.
I'm placing my right hand back on her right shoulder, - with her permission, of course.
- Yes.
And now, what I'd like to do is take this left hand, which I've introduced to you earlier, I'm going to place it on your inner thigh, and slowly inch my way up, in a crab-like fashion, Well, seeing as it is our first date, Larry, I think that I'm going to have to say no to that.
- I'm perfectly okay with that.
- Okay.
And what if I took this same left hand, and extended it laterally, and somehow wind up on that right breast, and perhaps, uh, gave it a little, uh, squeeze.
Uh, that would be the worst thing in the world? I'm gonna have to say no again.
Another no.
Hand's away.
Look at the hand.
All gone.
(sighs) - It seems we've reached a bit of an impasse.
- I think so.
- End session.
- (phone beeps) Well, I'd like to propose a toast to Andy and Cassie.
- Welcome to the West Coast.
- Hear! Hear! I'm sorry it took us so long to get you here.
- But here you are.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
- It's a beautiful home.
- Yeah, well, you know I have a-- - And this is This is quite an addition.
Isn't it? Isn't that something? You know, if I tell you who got that for me, you're gonna be shocked.
Larry David, the most thoughtful man I've ever met, had that commissioned.
Where do you find an artist like that? You'll find it.
You look it up.
You know what I love about it is - the size.
- The dimensions.
- Yes.
I know.
- Oh, the dimensions.
Anything smaller would have felt too small.
Bigger would have felt ostentatious.
Richard: It's not even that, Susie.
Know what it is? I've never seen you with, I don't know, with such a joy for life - in that painting.
- Yeah, they captured that in me, didn't they? - Absolutely.
- It's something.
Did you have to send him a picture and then he painted it from that? Yeah.
Cassie: How long does it take once you get the artist-- I don't know.
A couple of weeks.
- Okay? Took a couple of weeks.
- Okay.
- Mm.
- LD, what the hell's wrong with you? Three days now.
I've gotten the results back from my cancer test.
Not one of you bothered to call me and ask me if I got the results back.
Not one.
And by the way, I did, and I'm fine.
Okay? - Skyler had this paper due for social studies.
- It was on Cuba.
We were, we're very immersed in it.
- I'm sorry.
You're right.
- He's been working with her nonstop.
And I, I, I honestly planned on it, but I, I, I planned on it.
I ain't gonna lie, man.
I fuckin' forgot.
- My bad.
- I already explained myself.
All right? What kind of friends are you? Seriously! What kind of friends are you? - But you're fine, right? - Yeah, I'm fine! You know what? You can all go fuck yourself! (gasps) Oh, shit! Richard: Holy Christ! You ruined my painting! You destroyed it! Jeff? What kind of piece of shit, motherfucker does something like that? Where the fuck do you get off? This was the prized possession - of this household.
- I'm so sorry.
- So You know what? - What? I'm gonna replace that painting.
I'm gonna give it to the artist, he's gonna fix it, it's gonna be better than ever.
You don't bring it back until it's perfect.
- Don't worry.
I won't.
- Wait.
Stop, stop! We were at LACMA, and we met this guy who restores paintings.
- He restores paintings.
He's amazing! - No, no, no, no.
Larry, we're gonna help out.
Don't you worry.
Hey! Shut the fuck up! I told you I'm gonna do it! Okay! Okay! Susie: God! Larry: You know what? I think this whole thing can be a blessing in disguise.
- Really? - Oh, blessing in disguise? You tell me how.
I've never been entirely happy with this painting.
He didn't really capture the luster of your skin.
- Or, or the sparkle in your eyes.
- (slaps) The sparkle in her eyes.
Now I realize it.
A blessing in disguise.
Thank you.
- Let's eat.
- Let's eat.
Milos: So, Larry, we almost finished here.
You got-- You're two-thirds done already.
It's incredible.
Plus, I have extra boards for you.
I take it to your house and fix your pantry like new.
- No charge.
- What? - Believe me, I'm gonna pay you.
- Larry, I take care of you.
I can take the stuff to your house right now.
(sighs) Ha.
(speaks Russian) Mrs.
She make bad recommendation all over town about my business.
- What? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Remember? I make mahogany cream? - Yes.
- I work so hard? - Yes.
- I make it nice? - I know.
- And what she do? She ruined my name.
Oh, she's terrible.
No friend of the working man.
Larry, listen, I can go right now.
I take the boards to your house, - and I make it fast.
- Great idea.
(speaking Russian) mahogany cream! (continues speaking Russian) mahogany cream! I mean, the whole thing was just a series of unfortunate misunderstandings.
That wasn't Harvey Weinstein.
That was Jeff Greene, my manager.
I guess the culture's just sort of changing, and - Hmm.
- um, we're - defining our boundaries more.
- Boundaries.
And personal space, like for instance, my tattoo.
You don't get to demand to know what it's about, - because it's on my body.
- No, of course not.
Of course not.
I, I'm not that guy.
I know who you think-- I'm not that guy.
- Okay.
- We don't need lawyers or anything like that.
Come back to work.
Bring Bogey.
I miss Bogey.
- I miss that little doggy.
- (Alice chuckles) - I'll bring him five bowls, okay? - Okay.
If we can go back with like a mutual respect - and honesty, um - (man laughing) - I really appreciate your openness.
- That's funny.
You know, this is how culture moves forward.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing? - I'm side-sitting.
- You can't side-sit with me.
No, no.
Where are you going? Stay here just one second.
- Oh, my God.
- Sit quiet.
- Let go! Oh, my God.
- Huh.
Hmm? (mutters): All right.
You're all right.
Let go of me! I came here with an open mind.
- No, no, I-- - You don't get to grab me, - at a banquette or side-sit! - No, I had to side-sit.
I had to side-sit because I had to side-sit because I-- Aah, what are you-- No, Alice! Hey, uh How'd those test results turn out? You know, everybody here is really pulling for you.
Oh, they turned out just fine.
Thank you very much.
What a blessing.
So Victor and Sammi want to buy a house.
What do you think? We give 'em a down payment.
Is that too generous? You know, I never know.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Slow down, slow down, slow down.
What the fuck? Larry, what the hell did you do to my picture? Oh, my God! It was beautiful, and it's all destroyed! You piece of shit, Larry! You piece of fucking turd nothing! Fuck you! Asshole! Lucy: Mr.
Did you ask Ms.
Huff inappropriate questions about her relationship with her dog, Bogey? - I guess that all depends on-- - Wait.
When she asked you to stop asking questions about her tattoo, did you respect her wishes? I was very curious about it.
There's a guy with one eye.
I thought it might have been Mr.
Do you have any idea? I have no further questions for the witness.
- You may go.
- Thank you.
I actually just have a couple, Lucy.
David, the answers you're giving today are your sworn testimony, isn't that right? - Mm-hmm.
- You came here of your own volition, - voluntarily? - I did.
Because you want the truth to be known.
- Absolutely.
- I just have one question.
Did you use my bathroom? - No.
- I grow tired of asking, Mr.
And I remind you, you're under oath.
Did you or did you not use my bathroom?! - What are you doing? - I think I'm eating an apple.
I'm worried you're not taking this seriously.
You're blithely eating an apple here.
There's no other way to eat an apple but blithely.
- Yeah, but I need-- - That's how apples are eaten.
How do you serve eggs without toast? You can't serve the eggs without the toast.
You are like a president in the 18th century on the back of a train saying, "And there will always be toast with eggs.
" I think you can introduce me sort of as a renaissance man.
A guy who speaks six languages.
You wanna impress people with lies? Well, how else do you impress them?
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