Curb Your Enthusiasm s10e03 Episode Script

Artificial Fruit

(theme music playing) Larry: Hello? Mr.
Porter? (blues song plays softly in background) Are you Chulu Porter? - Who are you? - Um My name is Larry David, and I've been looking all over for you.
- Oh.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Um So You were the pastry chef at the Waldorf Astoria in New York.
Were you not? It's been a while, long time ago.
What a hotel.
I mean, there were a couple of problems, like the air conditioning was not great, I have to say.
I like a cold room, Chulu, you know, 64 degrees.
- Mm-hmm.
- And the tub was too small.
But besides that, what I loved about it was, every morning, I'd go downstairs to the restaurant, and I'd have a cup of coffee, and a scone.
And those scones were the best scones I've ever had anywhere in my-- I've never forgotten them.
Well, I was known for my scones.
Anyway, I'm opening up a coffee shop, and I need you to make me those scones.
I'm sorry, I haven't touched a whisk 20 years.
See, Chulu, the thing is, there's this man.
He's got this coffee place.
He's kicked me out of it.
He's banned me from it.
And I opened up a place next door to his.
I've sworn revenge, and with your help, maybe I can get it.
- Oh, a spite store.
- Spite store, right.
Well, what's this guy's name, anyway? - (spaghetti western music plays) - He goes by the name of Mocha Joe.
Did you say Mocha Joe? You know him? Nasty motherfucker.
(timer dings) (suspenseful music plays) Well whatcha think? - Pretty good! - (laughs) Pretty pretty pretty, pretty good.
Yeah, I was just trying to stop her from leaving, - so as I grabbed her wrist-- - Sure, Larry, but I think-- I think we're beyond the details of what happened at this point, because her attitude has completely changed.
Alice and her attorneys are out for blood, and I think the priority now is keeping this from going public.
You know, you have, uh, Seinfeld syndication, you have the Hulu deal.
You don't want headlines about you being sued for sexual harassment by a former assistant.
Side-sitting, I can't believe what it did to me.
I think, unfortunately, we're in a different category now, settlement-wise.
But, uh, in your case, I think it's eminently worth it for the value to you of having this thing over with and not lying around to be discovered by the public.
What? Get the fuck outta here! - Are you kidding? What? - Well, that's not it-- That money is not for her.
It's for a charity called Survivors United, devoted to victims of sexual harassment.
- Alice's charity of choice.
- Yeah, my, my cousin Andy's wife - is involved with that.
- That's great, because in addition to the financial remuneration, they would like you to, uh, make a speech.
They want me to make a speech? What am I supposed to say? I think she wants you to, in a public way, show contrition and show that this has moved you a step forward, that you've evolved as a result of this experience.
I'm gonna call Alice's attorneys immediately to let her know - that you're on board with this.
- (crunches) What are you doing? - I think I'm eating an apple.
- Okay.
I'm worried you're not taking this seriously.
You're blithely eating an apple here.
- We're really talking about-- - "Blithely eating"-- There's no other way to eat an apple but blithely.
- Yeah, but I need you-- - That's how apples are eaten.
I think you're incorrect about that.
My dad ate angry apples - all the time.
- An angry apple? He communicated a tremendous amount of hostility-- - Cannot eat an apple angry.
It's impossible.
- In fact, I think there are a lot of emotional colors available when eating an apple.
- Not just blitheness.
- Well, I completely disagree with you.
I'm concerned you're not taking this seriously.
I'm, I'm taking it seriously! I'm gonna pay a shitload of money, and I'm gonna make a fuckin' speech about something I-I know nothing about.
Those aren't even apples for eating, anyway.
They're decorative.
Decorative? What, are you kidding? What? I've never heard of that in my life.
Why don't you get - the artificial fruit? - You never heard of decorative apples? Yes, and they're artificial.
I never heard of anybody using real fruit as, for decoration purposes.
Larry, I'd feel better if we just stopped the eating for now, just long enough to get a few basic points down - for the speech.
No eating.
- Okay.
No worries.
- (apple thuds) - I'll put the apple away.
- Just Yeah.
- What? Now I have a half-eaten apple in my, uh, basket, here.
(stammers) Where are you supposed to put it? It's a garbage-- It's a garbage can.
Larry, it's not a garbage can.
That's a, that's It's an unlined receptacle - that's sitting next to a desk.
- Yes, for garbage! It's for paper.
It's not a lined garbage can.
How am I supposed to know it's for paper? If I see a garbage can, I throw garbage in there.
I think you're conflating garbage with paper.
- I mean, it's, really, it's for paper, it's not - Yeah.
This is the oddest office.
You have fruit that's not for eating, you have garbage that's not for garbage, and you have a bathroom that nobody can use.
It's unbelievable.
Hot off the presses, baby.
This is it.
This is the scone.
- Go head.
Take a bite.
- I'm good.
- What? - I'm good.
What are you-- What are you, nuts? Take a bite.
- I'm good.
- How are you good? - I'll eat it later.
- All right.
So, get this.
I have to do this speech at a Survivor's United event.
Remember that psychotic assistant I had who thought you were Harvey Weinstein? This is all because of her.
I have to give a speech, I have to give money to the organization-- - Speech and money.
That's bullshit.
- Yeah-- - By the way, a lot of money.
- You didn't do anything! - I know.
I didn't do anything.
- That's bullshit! Total bullshit.
I'm so pissed.
Susie: Ah-ah-ah, Lar.
It's fake.
- What? - It's artificial fruit.
- Good, right? - Holy mackerel.
I know.
There's no fruit flies, nothing.
- It just sits there all day looking beautiful.
- Holy mackerel.
My mother would go nuts for this.
- They didn't make 'em like that in the old days.
- No, my God.
This is a whole new technology.
Do me a favor.
Text me the number of where you got this.
All right.
Jeff, what is that piece of shit you're eating? - Piece of shit? - Yeah.
That piece of shit happens to be a scone that I'm gonna be selling at, uh, Latte Larry's.
I don't like a scone.
- Oh, you don't? Who cares what you like? - No.
You have such pedestrian taste anyway.
I like a delicious, moist cupcake.
- What is that? - What? That picture.
Susie: What? Oh, remember that wedding in Malibu, the four of us? We used to have such good times together.
Oh, that was so nice, Jeff.
Remember that? This picture is very painful for me now.
Why? 'Cause Cheryl's in it? Yeah.
I want you to take it down.
I'm not taking it down.
It's part of our history.
I'm not gonna deny our history, or rewrite it.
It's like looking at a Confederate war monument.
- It's a history that's very hurtful for me.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I want to honor our history, our heritage.
This picture being up is very offensive to me, Susie.
Well, I'm sorry! Put it the fuck back! And get that fuckin' crusty scone out of my house, too.
- Taste it, will ya? - I I'm good.
Larry: I'm gonna go out on a limb and tell you, this is gonna be one of the best scones you've ever had in your life.
- Really? I can't wait.
Can't wait.
- I'm just telling you.
Okay? - And I'm not even overselling it.
- They look great.
What are these? Are these chocolate chips or are they blueberries? - Chips.
- Whoa.
- Mm-mm.
- What? - They're not good.
They're not good.
- What are you-- - What are you talking about? - It's dry.
- What? You're crazy.
- Oh, my God.
I mean, it's like I could out there and choke, - eating this thing.
- Scones are, scones are dry.
- Well, then, okay.
Well, then, okay.
- They're supposed to be dry.
- Then you got what you paid for.
- Yeah.
'Cause I've never tasted anything dry, this granuley.
It's like a buttermilk biscuit without the buttermilk.
Then don't come in the store! Go to Mocha Joe's! Stop it.
I'm not gonna get into-- Oh, what a pretty sweater.
- Oh, this is so nice.
Where'd you get this? - Yeah.
Cheryl gave it to me.
- Cheryl gave it to me.
Get out of here.
- Where is this from? - Who the hell cares? - Hold on.
Okay, okay.
It's like a fireplace cardigan, is what it is.
- Huh? Hey, Larry.
I was just gonna call you.
I'm so happy to see you.
- Oh, really? - You're like my hero.
You gave-- He gave the biggest, I mean, the biggest donation - to Survivors United.
- Stop it.
- You did? Why didn't you tell me? - Yeah, I did.
Uh, you know, I give to a lot of charities.
I don't tell everybody, you know.
I just - It's really sweet.
- Well, you know, you were connected with it, so I thought it would be a nice, uh, gesture, you know.
- You didn't? - Is that why you did that? That's part of the reason, and I think it's a great cause.
That almost makes me cry.
That is the sweetest thing ever.
- And you're doing a speech.
- Wait till you hear the speech.
- Listen, I want to ask you a favor, okay? - Sure.
Uh, you've already done so much, so this shouldn't be that big of a deal.
I just need a doodle from you.
- We're doing like an auction with celebrity doodles.
- Doodle.
I don't really draw at all.
- It's a doodle.
- It doesn't matter.
That's the whole point.
- It's a doodle.
- It's literally like "This is a Larry David doodle.
" - Doesn't matter what it looks like.
- I can do a doodle.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you, truly.
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
- You're a pal.
- Thank you for the doodle.
- Yeah.
- So what'd you get for dinner? Uh, we're gonna have artichokes, which we haven't had in forever, and I'm gonna roast a chicken, and-- - What's going on? What's going on? - No, no, no, no.
- Please don't.
No, no.
Please don't do that.
- What? - I-- Sorry.
We don't use this.
- Yeah.
We throw our trash in the pantry.
So what is this? This is a show can? It indicates that we know how to throw things out.
I- I can't believe what's going on.
The same thing happened in my lawyer's office.
Well, we like to keep the place clean.
I was keeping the place clean by throwing my garbage in the garbage.
We don't even have a liner in there.
Take a look.
- We don't, we don't use that at all.
- I can't, I can't have it.
So if I have some garbage in my hand and I say, - "Where's the garbage can?" - Yeah.
- What do you say? - We say the garbage can - is here.
- Garbage can is here.
- Throw it in the pantry.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What the hell are you doing here? Yeah.
I want you to taste this.
Yeah, but you know I don't like surprises.
Oh, shut up.
- Here.
Taste this.
- Oh.
- It's a scone.
- Scone.
- Yeah.
- Forget about it.
- What? - I would never touch a scone.
- Are you nuts? - It's hard and it-- - and it breaks off.
- Yeah, it's good.
- That's the way it's supposed to be.
- Then the powder falls all over the floor, and then you gotta vacuum after you eat.
Who needs all this shit when you're eating a snack? - What are you, a senile old man? - No! - You're eating all over yourself? Huh? - No.
I wanna-- No.
It's the scone's fault.
If it's-- Put it away.
I'm sorry Funkhouser's not around.
- He loves scones.
- He's in China.
- When's he coming back? - I don't know, but he would hate it.
He would love it.
I've had coffee with Funkhouser many times.
Scones are his pastry of choice.
Okay? Yeah, by the way, what a sweater.
You know I don't like sweaters, but that's gorgeous.
- Really? Okay, you know what? - Gorgeous.
What? - Here, take it.
I don't want it.
- Oh, come on.
Cheryl gave it to me, and I don't like the reminder.
- Thank you very much.
- It hurts me to wear it, actually.
Well, it won't hurt me if I ever wear it.
- All right.
Are we having lunch tomorrow? - Zaragoza.
(with Castilian accent): Tharagoza.
What happened? You bite your tongue? - It's Castilian.
- Really? What's Castilian mean? - Isn't that a soup? - Castilian.
It's a dialect of, of Spanish.
And they pronounce their "Z"s as "TH"s.
- (in Castilian accent): Tha, Tharagoza.
- All right, but I'm paying.
You're paying for what? Lunch? - I, I-- You have never paid for me.
- That's what you think.
- I'm paying, okay.
You're not gonna-- - You are not paying, because I have my own bread, and I can treat you.
I know you can, and you always do.
You never let me pay, and I'm sick of it.
- No, fuck you, and I'm paying.
- Fuck you, you're not paying.
I'm paying.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Yeah, we will see.
Take your scones and get the hell out of here and I'll s-- Yeah, with pleasure.
But before I go, I think I'll just leave you one.
- Just in case.
- Yeah, thanks a lot.
Fuck you.
I'm paying, and I'll see you tomorrow.
- You fuckin' idiot.
- (scone thunks) - Welcome back to Zaragoza.
- Thank you very much.
Do you know I have a reservation tomorrow? I'm having lunch with Richard Lewis.
You know him? Yeah, yeah.
He always comes earlier to leave us the card.
- I want to pay tomorrow.
- Okay.
And so, I want to beat him to the punch.
That's why I'm here, 'cause I want to leave my credit card.
- Now? - Yes.
This will be for my bill tomorrow.
No, we're not comfortable doing that.
Why? What's the big deal? It's too much responsibility, because it may get stolen.
Listen, listen.
He's just gonna come very early tomorrow.
He's gonna give you the credit card.
I want to pay.
Just take my credit card.
Beat him.
Come earlier.
I, I don't wanna come at six o'clock in the morning.
I, I, I-- I'm so sorry.
I mean, I wish I could, but I-- Wh-- Where's Francisco? He'll take it.
- He waits on me all the time.
- Unfortunately, his auntie died.
He's at the visitación of Concepción Zarzal.
He's where? - His auntie died.
- Yeah.
So he's at the visitación of Concepción Zarzal.
Concepción Zarzal? - Yes.
- Oh, that's her name, Concepción Zarzal.
- Oh.
- By the way, your friend Ted Danson came yesterday with a very attractive blonde.
- Oh, did he? - Yeah, they had a fantastic time.
What, wh-- Cecilio? What was the name of yesterday's blonde? - Cheryl.
- Cheryl.
- You know her? - I do, yeah.
Lucky you.
Where is the location of that visitation? La dirección de la visitación de Concepción Zarzal.
Yeah, that one.
(voices murmuring) (whispering): Lo siento.
Lo siento.
Lo, lo siento.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Con permiso.
(sobbing quietly) - Francisco.
- Larry.
- Lo siento.
Lo siento.
- Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
- Lo siento.
- Did, did you know my aunt, Concepción? I didn't know her.
Um, I'm sure she was a wonderful woman.
- She was like a mother to me.
- Is that so? - Yes.
- Let me ask you a question.
Are you working at, uh, Zaragoza tomorrow? - Zaragoza? - Zaragoza.
- Yes, of course.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause I'm having lunch with Richard Lewis.
- Okay.
- And-- - Can, can we talk about this another time? Yeah, yeah.
It'll take two seconds.
Um, and he always pays for lunch.
- I'd just like to get a little head start on him - Yeah, okay, okay.
and just give you my credit card beforehand.
- Is that possible? - Please.
- Would, would you mind doing that? - Seriously? Lo siento.
Lo siento.
I'm sorry.
Ah, thank you.
- What the-- What are you doing here? - Me? What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - Francisco, I'm so sorry.
(whispering): Hey, I've already paid.
You're too late.
Get lost.
- Yeah, I've already paid.
- Don't even start it.
I always have to pay-- - Give me that card.
Give me that card.
- No! No, no.
(guests gasping, murmuring) (Larry, Richard grunting) Larry: Give me that.
Give it! Give it! Aah! Aah! Larry: Hey, did, uh, did you try the scone? Yeah, yeah.
You know, I-- I didn't love it.
- Are you kidding? - It's like a fancy muffin.
Don't say it's a fancy muffin, Jeff.
You don't know what you're talking about.
What aren't you getting? It's a fancy muffin.
It's like you're saying roast beef is chicken.
Roast beef is not chicken.
- Did Susie like it? - Fuckin' hated it.
- Okay, fuck you guys.
You're so stupid.
- Hated it.
Hated it.
And could you do me one favor, please? Can you take down that picture of me and Cheryl? - In your house? - Susie won't let me.
Su-- Oh, you, you know what, I can't even What the fuck? Holy shit.
Let me tell you something.
Get used to it.
He's gonna be everywhere.
It's a big movie.
Billboards, talk shows, everywhere you look, it's gonna be Ted Danson.
Inundated, that's what we're gonna be.
You know, he came to my house last year, asked me if he can go out with Cheryl.
I said no, but he did it anyway.
- What kind of friend is that? - I don't know.
- Your most vulnerable moment.
- Yeah.
You're getting divorced.
Oh, and he's gonna - swoop in and take your ex-wife.
- No.
Friends don't do that.
- Friends don't do that.
- No, they don't.
- Who does something-- - Who does something like that? That motherfucker! - Son of a bitch! - What are you doing? No, no, no, no! Larry! - (thuds) - Aah! - Oh, my tongue! - Oh (Jeff stammering) I can't believe you did something like that.
Bit my fuckin' tongue.
- Fuck.
- I'm so sorry.
Jeff: Oh, goddamn it! Leon: Ah, yeah.
Stir it up real good.
Put a little tea, a little bit of lemonade together.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hello, Arnold Palmer.
- Congratulations.
- That motherfucker got away with that shit.
- Yeah, I didn't think he was the first one to do it.
- Fuckin' right.
You know how many times I fuckin' put milk and Mountain Dew together? You know what I mean? I could have had my own-- my own fuckin' drink, the Leon Black.
Milk and Mountain Dew? Disgusting.
There's certain taste buds that you motherfuckers like.
But you get away with that shit.
I don't know how the fuck you get away with it.
When you say "you motherfuckers," you're referring to white people? Of course I am.
You motherfuckers will accept all kind of stupid shit in your mouth.
- Oh, is that so? Oh.
- Escargots, and, and, and fuckin' wheat grass.
Who the fuck drinks fuckin' grass? - Oh, okay, okay.
I-I must-- - What kind of motherfucker, cutting your grass? And what about, um, chitlins? - Humph.
- And pigs' knuckles? - Hmm.
- And pigs' brains and pigs' feet? Anything to do with the pig.
- Huh? - Touché, motherfucker.
- Touché.
- Motherfucker.
Right there.
Hey, man.
(chuckles) Shit.
What the fuck is that? I hope your speech is better than that goddamned doodle right there.
Hey, fuckface, you really shouldn't be insulting a doodle.
It's a doodle.
It's just horrible.
Are you fuckin' kidding me, man? Whoo! (chomps, groans) - (screams) - What the fuck? That's artificial fruit! - Is my tooth chipped? - It's chipped! - Is my tooth chipped? - Yes! You chipped it! - What the fuck, Larry? - What, what are you eating artificial fruit for? Who the fuck puts artificial fruit on the table? I don't know.
I saw it at Jeff's house.
I liked it.
You put the shit on the table, in the fucking kitchen! What the fuck else am I gonna do with it? - I don't know.
You couldn't tell? - No! You should put that shit somewhere else, like the living room or somewhere where nobody's gonna fuckin' eat it! My tooth is chipped.
(patrons chatting) How do you serve eggs without toast? It's unbelievable.
Some people are allergic to toast.
Is that an answer? What is that? - It's, it's imbecilic.
- Are some people-- Why is it imbecilic? Well, everybody, you can't serve the eggs without the toast.
- Yes-- - They're a team.
You know, you are like a president in the 18th century on the back of a train, saying, "And there will always be toast!" "With eggs! And two turkeys in every garage!" Stop lecturing the world on your point of view.
Excuse me.
Yes, sir.
Um, there's no toast with the eggs.
Lo siento.
Our cocinero Cecilio must have forgotten.
- All right.
All right.
Thank you very much.
- Lo siento.
- You're driving him nuts, man.
- What is this? - What is what? - The sweater.
You're wearing the sweater? - It's a gift.
- I told you before, I didn't want to see it anymore.
It has painful memories for me.
- So take it off.
- What kind of gift is that? (stammers) I'll wear whatever I want.
It's mine now.
- This is selfish.
It's very selfish.
- How can it be selfish? - You gave me an espresso machine from Rome.
- Okay.
Yeah? - I'm gonna throw it out? - Okay, take off that sweater.
- I'm not takin' it off.
It's mine.
- I want you to take-- - I want you to take off that fuckin' sweater.
- Hey, are you out of your-- Hey, get the fuck, hey-- Get out of here! Hey, stop.
- No.
Don't touch me! - Oh.
Oh! Um, yeah.
Thank you.
- Here's your toast.
- Thank you.
And, uh, Señor Lewis.
- Oh, yes.
- The check.
Thank you so much.
- What? What are you talking about? - As always.
Thank you, really.
- It means a lot.
Thank you.
- No, no, no, no.
I gave Francisco my credit card.
Francisco is not here.
He is mourning the death of his aunt, Concepción Zarzal.
Richard: God bless you, and God bless him, and his aunt, and Generous tip, by the way.
- Oh, yes.
Thank you.
- As usual.
Am I right, or am I wrong? - Ah! - Larry David.
Well, well.
Hello, Laverne! It's so good to meet you.
I have a cold.
- You have a cold.
- I don't want to get you sick.
You have-- That is so considerate of you.
Thank you so much.
You know what? - Most people don't do that.
- (coughs, clears throat) - They keep it to themselves.
- I like to think what would I want someone to do if I were on the other side.
And I want someone to tell me, and I want them to protect me.
- You know what you're doing? You're golden-ruling it.
- I'm golden-ruling it.
You're golden-ruling it, Laverne.
You know, Larry, I just wanted to take this moment to say how grateful I am for you to be here.
I think it's so important that straight white men, particularly in your age group, be part of the movement.
And I think you, Larry, are gonna be a role model to so many people.
- And you'll be introducing me? - Absolutely.
Do you know what you're gonna say yet? I have a couple of ideas.
- Oh, yeah.
What? - I think you can introduce me sort of as a, uh as a Renaissance man.
- Oh! - You know, a guy who speaks six languages.
You speak six languages, Larry? Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.
- No, I, I only speak one language.
Yeah, I know a little bit of Yiddish.
Vo den? Vos machstu.
What a meshugganah.
(speaks Yiddish) You know, a couple things I picked up from my parents.
So you want me to get onstage at a charity and lie? No, you just say these things.
It'll, it will impress them.
You wanna impress people with lies? Well, how else do you impress them? Larry, I, I-- First of all, I don't lie.
So much of this event is about being in the truth.
All right.
You know what? Introduce me any way you'd like.
How about that? - Okay.
- By the way, you know, I have a, uh, I have a friend.
Marty Funkhouser, his daughter is transitioning to be a man.
- That's beautiful.
That's so beautiful.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you a question about the whole transitioning thing? - Okay.
- Okay, like, I'm an organ donor, and on my driver's license, it says I'm an organ donor.
Can you, can you donate a-a penis to a person who's transitioning? - 'Cause that's not-- - You How about this one? Could a white transitioner get a black penis? Okay.
I-I think I got it.
I think I understand.
All righty, Larry.
It was great to great to meet you.
- Okay.
See you out there.
- Okay.
Larry, how are you? How about this, huh? Nice event, huh? Wha-- wha-- What the hell is this? What? - This sweater.
Wh-- What are you doing? - I know.
- Isn't it nice? - Okay.
Take it off.
Okay? I want you to take it off.
What are you talking about? I don't want you to wear that sweater.
- Why? - 'Cause Cheryl gave it to me.
I gave mine to Richard, 'cause I didn't wanna be reminded of it, and now you're reminding me of it.
- I'm not taking this off.
- Take it off.
- It goes with all my pants, it's great.
- Yes.
- Take it off.
- What are you-- Get out of here! Larry, stop it.
He's got like a polo shirt on under this.
- Yeah, I got a golf shirt.
I can't take this off.
- We're at an event! Okay, anyway, can we talk about something important? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
I'd like to talk to you about this.
What about it? This is the doodle you give me for charity? - Yeah.
- It's terrible, Larry.
- We can't use this.
- You said it doesn't matter what it looks like.
- It's a doodle.
- No.
This is a doodle.
- This is Christine Lahti's.
- That's a doodle? - Cassie: That's a doodle.
- This is beautiful.
Larry: That is not a doodle.
That is a work of art, okay? - You know what? - This is gonna get so much money.
- So much money.
This, what? A nickel? - This is-- - Honest to God-- - I'll give you two pence.
You're not holding it the right way.
- You hold it like this.
Okay? - Oh, oh! That's so much better.
Let's get it framed! Yeah, you know, it could be anything.
Could be a roller coaster.
It could be a shoe.
It could be a large intestine.
You gotta think a little bit.
Oh, I'm think-- You know what it is? It's what you find in a large intestine.
- That's what that is.
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's a piece of shit.
It is! - Okay, yeah? It is, honestly, that's what I think of it, okay? Because we can't sell it.
We can't do anything with it.
I gotta hang this up.
- See this? - Oh, oh.
- You're throwing it in there? - Whoops! - Oh, now it's a garbage can.
- Yeah, and that's garbage.
- So thank you.
- Oh, yeah, thank you.
(lively chatter) Larry: Christine.
- Yes.
- Hey.
Larry David.
- Hey, Larry.
How are you? - Hi.
- I'm good.
- Good.
I'm kind of surprised to see you here.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that? - Um, I don't know.
I mean, you're known for other things.
Not your activism, or your advocacy for women.
No, I've spent a good deal of my life advocating for women.
- Well, I didn't know that.
- And, and, and pursuing them.
- Right.
Purs-- Right.
- Yes.
That's advocacy in a way, in that I'm pursuing them, I want them.
- I'm advocating for them by pursuing them.
- Right.
Especially if, uh, sex resulted from it, that would be fine.
That's not exactly what I meant.
But, you know, it's a cause that I really believe in, and I'm really passionate about, so I'm just - happy to hear that you are, too.
- Oh, yes.
Of course.
But anyway, um, so, did you do a doodle? - Did you-- I didn't-- - Uh, yes, I did.
- I didn't, I didn't-- Oh.
- No, it's not on the wall.
It's not on the wall.
I noticed your doodle is on the wall.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Do you like it? - I like it.
I think it's very well done.
- How long did it take you to do that? - I mean, maybe, I don't know, 20 minutes, half, half an hour.
- Half an hour? - I didn't, I don't-- I didn't time it.
Yeah, but that's not a doodle.
That is not a doodle.
- It's a doodle.
They're all doodles.
- No, it's not a doodle.
That's a p-- Yeah, this is like the Louvre, this place.
- I mean, come on.
I, I-- You know what? - Yes.
- What was yours like? - It was open to interpretation.
- Oh, abstract.
- That's the beauty of a doodle.
You don't know what it is.
Did you put any effort into it? I put the same amount of effort I put into the doodle as I would if I was talking on the phone doodling.
- Which is to say, none.
- Larry, Larry.
if you don't put effort into it, it just smacks of, I'm sorry to say this, it smacks of kind of a white male privilege.
You know, that you don't have to put any effort into anything, you could get away with anything, because you're a white man.
Right? Oh, that's just That's just nonsense.
Well, then, why didn't you put effort into it? I'm the only one who followed instructions out of everybody on this wall.
- There's no doodles here.
- I think-- - They're all doodles, in fact.
- None of them are doodles.
Passionate doodles, because we care about this cause, - and you don't.
- Oh, I don't care about the cause? - No, I don't think you do.
- Oh, I don't? I don't, huh? - What is that? - What is that, a doodle? That's a speech that I'll be giving that you'll be listening to - and apologizing to me later - I don't think so.
- for ever talking to me like this.
Okay? - I don't think so.
- Who wrote that? Your assistant? - I wrote it.
And it took a lot less time than it took - for you to do that painting.
I can tell you that.
- Well, yeah-- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Laverne Cox.
(cheering) Woo! Laverne: Good afternoon.
My name is Laverne Cox, and I am so honored to be here with each and every one of you, and to welcome you on behalf of Survivors United.
Now I know these events can be triggering, but I want to remind you that you are more than your pain.
I want to remind you that you are more than what happened to you.
Our first speaker.
We know them as the cocreator of the legendary sitcom Seinfeld.
Please join me in welcoming Larry David.
- (cheering) - Oh, this is so nice of you.
Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Ah, stop it.
Oh, no.
To you.
To you.
You're the heroes.
You're the heroes.
(cheering continues) - Whoa! - (audience gasps) (audience booing) - Asshole! - What are you doing? - No, she has a cold! - (booing) - What is wrong with you? - She has a cold! You're such a disgrace! Why would you even come here? - She has-- - Honestly, what is wrong with you? - Tell 'em you have a cold! - Asshole! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You need to go home! - (thudding) - Hey! Hey! Alice: My God! - (angry shouting) - What the hell? Larry: Hey! Hey! (angry shouting continues) Well, what was I supposed to do? She had a cold.
- She had a cold? She had a cold.
- Yeah.
What if she didn't have a cold? Ah, well You're supposed to kiss her.
It's a social nicety.
No, I, you know-- I, I-- All right, well now we gotta walk this back, I mean, the optics, Larry.
The optics were terrible.
This was the way out, do you understand that? - This, this was, this was supposed to be the olive branch.
- Okay.
Okay, okay.
I'll, I'll make out with Laverne Cox on national television.
We'll-- I'll have a make-out session with her.
No, forget that.
How about a, a, a, a nice hug.
I'll give her a hug.
- All right, we'll spitball.
- You know.
- But let me set up the meeting, okay? - Slow dance with her.
- A slow dance.
- Okay.
But more of an old-fashioned dance.
- Not, not, you know-- - I, I, I-- Don't, don't come up with any more ideas.
Okay? Our problem is that Alice does not feel that what happened was a good-faith fulfillment of the agreement.
Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice.
Oh, I am so sick of this woman! - So she is now seeking-- - I'm so sick of her! She is now seeking a personal settlement, on top of the original donation and speech.
I felt sorry for her.
That's why I hired-- What are you doing? You're writing down again? Are you kidding? Oh, get the fuck outta here! - That's insane! - Well, that's the price of buying back your legacy, my friend.
That's where we are.
Wait, wait.
I got an idea.
Remem-- Remember that old, uh, John Lennon, Yoko Ono album - where they're in bed together? The bed-in? Whatever that was? - Yeah.
I'll be in bed with Laverne Cox.
Some kind-- We get a picture.
- Okay.
How about this? - You know? I think there is one last glimmer of hope, if we're lucky enough to execute it.
And that is to sit down face-to-face, one last time, if they will have it, with Alice and her attorneys, and explain that what happened was a legitimate misunderstanding.
You know what? I think you should put me on the phone with that attorney.
Black women really like me.
Let me set up the meeting, and then we'll go from there.
- You okay with that? - Yeah.
I mean, sure.
Roger: Good.
Oh, have an apple.
- What? - Yeah.
- Maybe I overreacted last time.
Have one.
- Wow.
Very proud of you! You are making progress.
Larry-- No, no! (cracks) Oh! Oh! (spitting) - What the fuck? - Oh, my God.
- (screams) - Oh, my God! (screams) (shrieking) I chipped my tooth! I didn't think you'd bite it.
It was artificial! Then what the fuck did you offer it to me for? I thought you'd pick it up and think it was great.
- What are you, fucking stupid? - I'm sorry.
(lisping): You're sorry? You're sorry? You think you're sorry? Shove it up your ass! (announcer speaks indistinctly) (lisping): Kill that bastard.
I should sue him! At least yours was an accident.
My lawyer, he offered me the fruit on purpose.
At least I didn't offer it to you.
(lisping): Well, now you know how I feel.
You smirked when I bit it.
You smirked! - There was no smirk.
Get out of here.
- Smirk.
And my dentist, also.
What? Can't see me till tomorrow? I need that? It's an emergency! (phone chiming) Hello? (lisping): Suspicious activity? On my credit card? A thousand dollars of papas bravas, manchego cheese, paella? Uh! No! I didn't order that.
But I know who did! Francisco Zarzal.
Cancel my credit card! Come on.
we have to find Francisco Zarzal.
- Francisco Zarzal.
- Let's go.
Larry: This guy's got some nerve.
He play you for a sucker.
- He play you for a straight sucker.
- Yeah.
- It's stealing.
It's just stealing, plain and simple.
- It's bullshit.
It's bullshit.
This is bullshit.
- What the--? - You'll see.
Take a ride.
- All right.
- Bullshit.
Straight bullshit.
(sighs) He's playing us for suckers.
(lisping): Why do you sound like that? I chipped my tooth.
How about you? My tongue's all swollen.
It sucks.
I have to call Zaragoza.
See if I can track down Francisco Zarzal.
(tires screech) - (Leon clears throat) - Wow.
(lisping): Look at this.
This has to be it.
- What is this? - Lo siento.
Lo siento.
- Lo siento.
Lo siento.
- Multo lo siento.
- Lo siento.
- Multo lo siento.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Francisco Zarzal? He's a server at Zaragoza? No, I haven't seen Francisco.
- Lo siento.
- Lo siento.
- Lo siento.
- Lo siento.
Lo siento.
Lo siento.
(sighs) I don't see him anywhere.
You know what I see? I see everything I paid for.
Floral arrangements, the candles, the alcohol, everything.
- Look at the sumptuous spread.
- Yeah.
I paid for that, too.
Come on.
Let's eat.
- Hey, where the fuck you-- - Hey, hey.
I'm already going this way.
- Give me a plate.
- (plates clattering) - Gimme some of that.
- (silverware, dishes clattering) - Give me some eggs.
- No toast? - There's no toast.
- You? Again with the toast? You have to have toast when you eat eggs.
It's a necessity.
What are you even doing here? (scoffs) Francisco! Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Hello, Francisco.
It seems as if you've been using my credit card.
What do you have to say for yourself? Excuse me, this is not a conversación en la recepción de Concepción Zarzal.
Will you repeat that, please? I don't think this is a conversación en la recepción de Concepción Zarzal.
We do it in Zaragoza.
(lisping): Oh, the conversation.
(stammers) You want to have the conversation at Zaragoza.
Were these charges from Zaragoza? No, not from Zaragoza.
From here.
Or perhaps this is a mistake, because our cards, they look very similar.
- But perhaps I used the number, but I don't under-- - Similar? How are they similar? The numbers are not the same.
The names are certainly not the same.
One says Larry David, the other says Francisco Zarzal.
- It's not Zarzal, it's Tharthal.
- Zarzal.
- Tharthal.
- Zarzal.
- Tharthal.
- Zarzal.
- Tharthal! - Zarzal.
- Tharthal! Hijo de puta.
- Zarzal? - Oye.
You're making fun of the way we speak.
- No! - No, I'm not making fun.
My tooth is chipped.
- Don't mock me.
- Lo siento.
- Lo siento.
- They're making fun.
- They're making fun.
- What? No, no, no! - You're making fun.
- What are you doing? No, no, no, no.
- Lo siento.
- Lo siento! - Lo siento! - No disrespect! No disrespect! - Lo siento! They're making fun of us.
They're disrespecting us.
(nervous chatter) (yelling) Leon: Motherfuckers! Get the fuck off me! Lo siento.
Lo siento.
Lo siento.
- Basura! - Basura! No dumping in the garbage can! No dumping in the garbage can! I said lo siento! I said lo siento! I said lo siento! ( Three Stooges theme plays) (car door shuts) (beeps) (shouting on TV) (instinct shouting, guns firing on TV) Sir, the Union broke through our lines, and our troops have retreated across the Appomattox.
(dramatic music plays on TV) Gentlemen, I believe I need some time to myself.
Narrator (on TV): Ted Danson is Lee.
(scoffs quietly) Ahem.
- So, look, I'm sure we'll go over all this stuff upstairs-- - I don't think we should speak unless our attorneys are present.
You just have to know that that whole thing was a-- It was a huge-- The audience misunderstood because I, I, she had a cold.
You made a mockery of the entire event.
You made a mockery of sexual harassment survivors.
And you violated the terms of our agreement.
I think we should just wait for the lawyers.
Yeah, I had, I had a whole speech prepared.
It was a great speech.
I talked about Gloria Steinem.
You know, I had a picture of her up on my wall when I was a teenager.
She was really attractive.
Excuse me? No? That's just completely inappropriate.
You know what? Are you hungry? Um, a little.
Stay right there.
I have something for you.
Don't, don't move.
Stay right there.
If the elevators come, I'm getting in one.
All right.
- Here you go.
- What is this? This is a scone.
They're fantastic.
- (elevator dings) - Why do you have these? Well, because I have a, uh, I'm opening up a store.
T-try it.
You'll love it.
Thank you.
Huh? What do you think? Pretty good, right? Yeah.
Darn right, they're good.
(coughs) Ahem.
- It's so dry.
(coughs) - Dry? Dry? (coughs, gags) - Can't breathe.
- Uh? Oh, my God! What? Heimlich? Oh! - Uh Oh.
- (choking) Ooh.
(gagging) Oh.
Aah! (body thuds) (elevator dings) You don't invite a divorced couple to a wedding, it's a very combustible situation.
You should-- Two sides, pick one! I need your weights, by the way.
- What do you mean? - For the plane.
I'd rather be dead in the Sea of Cortez than have you know what I weigh.
- Oh! ¿Qué pasa, Larry? - What? - Are you kidding me? - Yeah, not bad, huh? - How's your room? - It stinks! Susie: Why did you even come here? 'Cause everybody was going.
It was presented to me like it would be fun.
- We're having fun.
- It is fun.
Yeah I'm having fun.

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