Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e04 Episode Script

Frisky Business

Hey Howser you're up? In here.
Okay.
Picture this.
You, me, the sand, the surf our bodies shmeared with cocoa butter, and girls, lots of girls, all in bikinis.
It's perfect! It's saturday! The sun is out! Life is good.
Except I can't go, I'm working.
Ah, geez, you're always working! Fine, I'll go without you.
Again.
expect someone to remember something so Trivial! You really don't remember the day we met? Well Let's see If memory serves.
It was hum It was a sunday.
Hum, in June, the 26th, at 4:30 in the afternoon, and it was raining, and you and Jenny Shau running down Linkin boulevard soaking wet.
You were wearing a powder blue cardigan sweater, with a pair of hard earrings! And I drove up in my dad's Chevy and the two of you argued about who was gonna sit in front seat, right? David Remember what was on the radio? They say we're young, and we don't know And he's always like that in the morning? No it's their 28th anniversary tomorrow they're going to the laguna for a romantic week end.
I don't know if all that's true Cause you got me and Baby, I got you Babe I got you Babe I got you Babe Mom, dad.
Vinnie's here.
Good morning Vinnie.
Hi Miss Tetch.
Kathleen, we should get started.
Honey, would you like me to take out some hamburger paddies to the frost? You can have them for dinner.
No thanks I'll grab something later.
If you need it son, and that's only in an extreme emergency, this is the number to the hotel.
And if you go out tonight, set the alarm.
Turn on some lights.
No problem.
You're sure you don't want Mrs Marlowe to spend the night? Mom I'll be fine, I'm not 10 years old.
Alright, sorry.
Bye honey.
See you tomorrow night.
Have a great time! Do you know what this is? This is a gift from God! This is a blessing! This is party time! Doogie Howser, M.
D.
- 1x04 - Frisky Business What about Lola? We got to get Lola.
No, I said no Vinnie, forget it.
Alright then, set.
I'm hanging up.
You're in the backroom at Chez Paul's from 8 til 1,then it's back to my place for a little late night whatever.
Right.
Hey Jack.
What's going on? Nothing, Lucas is throwing a bachelor party for Bill Wilson.
Oh great, when is it? It's next friday, but Look, Doogie I don't think you're invited.
What? You're kidding! Why not? I didn't even know you knew Wilson.
I know him better than half those guys, we went to medical school together! What can I tell you? I'm sorry.
I didn't make up the guest list.
Come on Jackie, you don't think I can handle it, do you? You know, it wouldn't be the first time I've seen a naked woman.
Yeah, but cadavers don't count, sport.
This thing is going to be for mature audiences only.
I am sick of you guys treating me like I'm your little brother! Look, Doogie, bottom line you're still under age! You can't even get into Chez Paul's! Oh come on! You know it's Wilson's night, nobody's gonna be checking IDs.
You rented out the room.
Ok, alright, I'll see what I can do.
Sorry I'm late.
Shall we begin? The first patient is Mr Sy Burmen, white male, age 73, admitted last night to 11:35 PM about unstable angina.
Hum, initial labs studies were unremarkable, he's been on atenolol, IV in intro, glycerin and aspirin.
Sy! Look who's here! Hello sweetie! Hi May.
Hi Sy, how are you feeling today? I had been better.
Sy, this is Doctor Matsumura, she's the head of the cardiology department.
You're doing very well Mr Burmen.
I think we can move you to the telemetry unit this afternoon.
That's the ambulatory floor.
Is that good? Yeah, that's good.
I want you to know that this is a good boy.
He takes wonderful care of my Sy.
May.
We almost forgot.
May, give him the cake! I had this in the freezer! You like pound cake? Let's monitor him closely.
Oftentimes there'll be an onset of chest pain.
And Doctor Howser, you're doing a very good job! You're not missing anything, believe me.
A bunch of horny guys ogleing a naked women, how much fun can that be? Nevermind There you are! Vinnie, forget it, I don't want to hear it.
Come on, Howser, it's the law of nature! Your parents go out of town, you throw a party! I told you, I'm on call! Hi! Vincent Delpino.
You seem like a sophisticated 90's kind of woman.
Would you go to a party thrown by my friend Douglas here? Sounds like fun! You see? What do you say, I pick you up at 8? I'd done up my shorts and some stature for you.
I'm a magician.
I'm sure you are.
Come on man! Someday you gotta throw this party! What do you mean "I gotta" throw this party? 'Cause you can't let people go on thinking you're just this weird guy with a mutant brain! Get out! People don't think that.
Wanna bet? Kids at school call you "Dr Geek".
Look, what did you expect? All they know is that you've got a zillion IQ and you hang out with a bunch of sick dudes! You're never around! You know, I'm getting so tired of this! Guys here are treating me like I'm a little kid, you guys think I'm so kind of freak- That's my point.
This is a chance for these individuals to get to know the real you! Think of what a thing like this would do for your rep'! Alright, alright, I'll do it.
Yes! But here is the deal : we keep it small.
Fifteen people tops.
Good.
That's about how many I invited.
This is gonna be so prime! Nice moves.
Thanks! Hey Howser, got any more chips? Hey Howsy, you've seen guys who got shot and stuff? Yeah, a couple of times.
Radical! This one time, a guy came in with a bullet loged in his cerebral cortex He survived, but he lost his entire memory, he didn't even remember his own name.
Wow You guys should come at the hospital some time, I'll show you around! Oh that'd be great! Oh which reminds me I'm giving my own personal CPR class in five minutes.
Any volunteers? I'm going to the bathroom, wanna come? No that's okay.
Hum, i'll join you.
Yo Howser! Where are those chips? Coming up! You need any help? Oh no, thanks.
Your folks have a really nice place.
They're away, uh? Yeah, they come back tomorrow, they're gone all night.
I mean, t-til you have to be home.
Actually, I told my parents I'm staying at Janine's tonight.
I don't have to be home.
You're not going to believe who's here.
Seniors.
I invited them but I didn't think they'd show! Let's just relax, Vinnie.
I don't know if the beer is so cool.
Are you kidding? This party just went from a B- to an A+ ! Hey, Jeff, good to see you mate! Glad you could make it! Oh, Vinnie Delpino.
Right.
You're Howser? I heard you're doctor.
Yeah.
That's cool.
This is totally incredible, I can't believe I'm your best friend and I got a year with second hands.
Care what? Look at you, you're so cool, so calm, I love it! Vinnie what are you talking about? Come on! Tonight's the night! Your journey into manhood begins! You and Wanda! This is so great I'm getting a little queasy myself.
What are you talking about? I heard from Brian, who heard from Janine that Wanda told her folks she was sleeping over at Janine's, when in fact, Janine told me that wasn't necessarily true.
Wait a minute, slow down.
It's not what you think.
Come on, Howser, we between the sheets, if she told you she don't have to be home, what do you think it means? Well nobody said anything about sleeping together.
We haven't even been going out that long! Why fight it? Just be grateful! I don't know.
My room's not clean.
What if I freeze up? Hey Howser, relax.
It's a perfectly natural act.
Like salmons swimming upstream.
Once you'll get naked, you'll know what to do! Oh geez.
Ok, ok, I know what you're going through, your stomach is turning, your underwear is tightening up, your mouth's a little pasty I got just the answer.
Here.
Twelve ounces of this and you'll be cool as a kosher dill.
Forget it Vinnie, I don't even like this stuff.
No no no, trust Doctor Delpino, it's the medecine of courage.
Doogie, someone might see us Who cares? Hello? When? Alright, give him 4mg of morphine, and follow up with 5000 units of heparin bolus.
I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Wanda I've got to go.
Vinnie watch the house, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Doogie.
You're okay to drive? I had one beer Vinnie, I'm fine.
Is there a problem officier? You were caught doing a 50 in a 35 mph zone, son.
I'm really sorry but I have to get to the Eastman medical center.
It's an emergency.
My name is Douglas Howser and i'm a doctor.
And I'm an Indian princess.
License and registration, please.
Is there a problem? My wallet! I must have left it home, I raced out in a hurry.
Right.
Step out of the car, please.
Wait.
Here, here, my prescription pad! I don't think your father would appreciate this, son.
You don't understand.
I'm Doctor Howser.
I mean, we're both Doctor Howser, but he's David and I'm Douglas.
Look, this really is me! I'm a resident at Eastman, you can call them! Now please, I've got to get to the hospital.
How much alcohol have you had tonight? Alcohol? I had one beer.
One? And you're standing here trying to convince me that you're a doctor? You don't even look old enough to drive, kid.
I swear, I'm sixteen years old, I just got my license.
Alright, let's do a little test.
Spread your arms- I'm not drunk, dammit! I'm telling you the truth! And if anything happens to my patient it'll be your butt! I've got a 22-350.
Driving without a license.
Possible D.
U.
I.
We'll notify.
What were the results of his cardiac isoenzymes? Good.
No, they gave me a breathalyzer but it came out .
03, they're dropping the D.
U.
I.
charge.
Look, Curly, my folks are the red scarlet laguna, can you call them? They're gonna have to pick me up.
Thanks.
Oh-oh.
Can I just say one thing? No.
How you could do something as Contemptible as drinking and driving? That's beyond my comprehension.
I will not tolerate it.
But dad, I wasn't drunk! You put your life and the lives of others in danger, plain and simple.
And you were on call That my friend, is unexcusable.
Besides, the last time we checked, Douglas, the drinking age in this state was 21, not 16.
You want us to treat you like a responsible adult and you behave like an immature adolescent.
You take our trust and throw it out the window.
Doogie.
Can you imagine how we felt when the hospital called? We were terrified! How do we know you weren't seriously hurt or Or god forbid.
I have never been this disappointed in you as I am right now, Douglas.
Er, dad, there's one other thing.
This conversation is over, Douglas.
Hey bro! Let this coming through! My persian carpet! Hey so that's where the pretzels went! Look who's here! Doctor No-Show.
Sy, can I talk to you? Sure.
Why not? Do I look like I'm busy? About last night I just wanted to say I'm I'm really sorry.
No, I should have been here.
Why? So you could have been Doctor 150? There were one thousand people in white coats here last night, everyone poking, and sticking, and doing and looking they almost killed me! Well, I'm just glad you're okay, and I promess, it will never happen again.
Look.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm here, I'm fine, and listen, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have made it this long.
You're well aware, Doctor Howser, that there are people in this hospital who feel you simply don't have the emotional maturity to be a doctor.
On more than one occasion, I've had to defend your right to be here, sometimes at the expense of my own reputation.
But not this time.
Last night, you compromized yourself, this hospital, and the life of your patient.
Think for a moment about our liability and if you had arrived and administered aid in an impaired condition.
Or worse, if the patient had died.
Douglas, we're all guilty of making mistakes.
But this is one a doctor cannot make.
At any age.
Yes? What is this regarding? Oh alright, yes.
Tell them I'll be right there.
Let me tell you a story, Douglas.
In medical school, I knew a student who was talked into participating in a fraternity prank.
His role was to procure a fresh cadaver from the bio lab, which he did.
Without hesitation.
The cadaver was surreptitiously delivered to the local Tri Delta sorority during a formal dance, dressed in a tuxedo.
Yes, it was funny.
Until the sorority decided to press charges against the medical school.
And the student.
The incident could have cost him his carreer.
However, after a great deal of humiliation, charges were dropped.
He has since gone on to become a very distinguished doctor.
The point I'm making, Douglas, is that one mistake does not have to ruin your career, but you have got to decide what's really important here.
Enough said.
Doctor Canfield, I never would have guessed you were the kind of guy who'd steal a cadaver.
I didn't.
I was talking about your father.
Hey.
What? I tried calling you at the hospital, where have you been? I was there.
You never think maybe I didn't want to talk to you? 'Crossed my mind.
Hey so what the cops do? They cuff you? Take mug shots? You don't get it, do you? This wasn't a joke.
You know the kind of trouble I'm in? I got nailed at work, I'm grounded for months, I totally lost my parents respect.
Yeah, so? Vinnie! I don't know why I ever listen to you! I don't know why I let you in my window, I don't know why I let you in my life! Why do I do that Vinnie, uh, can you tell me why? Cause we're best friends! I'm the bitchinest guy you know? Uh, I I guess none of this would have happen if I didn't invite those guys, uh? No Forget it, it wasn't your fault, it was mine.
I know I was on call, it was stupid.
Yeah, it kind of was, wasn't it! Look I better get going, your dad catches me here, I'm a memory.
'Later! Hey, Doug, you and me, we're okay? Yeah, sure Vin.

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