Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e05 Episode Script

The Short Goodbye

If I want it I should be able to buy it.
It's my money.
Not legally, it isn't, not yet.
I earned it ! This is getting ridiculous.
Can't we ever have a meal that doesn't end in this argument ? It's not like I'm asking for a Ferrari.
Just a little Beamer convertible.
Just a little Beamer convertible You know what that thing costs ? Doogie, what's wrong with the station wagon ? Mum, it's a tub ! The only people to drive those things are autocrash dummies.
We told you, we'll paint it, we'll put in a nice sound system.
If you can drive it for a year without a moving violation or an accident, then we'll talk about a new car.
End of discussion.
Not one of your friends owns a brand new car.
Not one of my friends earns 28.
000$ a year ! Which I'm not gonna let you blow on 30.
000$ car.
If that's the way you're gonna be, maybe I ought to petition a court for emancipated minor status.
Doogie, not that again If I'm old enough to earn it, I should be old enough to spend it ! Let me get this straight.
You don't want any restrictions on how you spend the money you earn, you don't want a curfew, you don't want to clean up your room or do any other chores.
Is there anything I'm leaving up ? Why can't I just live here without all the hassle ? Because we're running a family here, not a hotel.
Maybe I should go to a hotel.
Oh, please.
I'm serious ! The way you guys treat me, maybe I ought to be thinking about moving out.
You can put that thought out of your head right now.
You can't stop me.
Oh yes I can.
Doogie, maybe you should go.
What ? If he's not gonna let us parent him, maybe he should paddle his own canoe.
Maybe you want this way.
Doogie Howser, M.
D.
- 1x05 - The Short Goodbye Tomorrow morning, this hospital will be admitting the rockstar Charmagne.
Woah ! Hey ! Alright ! I've seen her videos.
The woman is a stone goddess.
Dr.
Peters will be removing a nodule from her vocal cords.
We all know how these celebrity types are about their privacy.
I've assured her that's what she'll get.
Total privacy.
I've notified the nursing staff her presence here is to remain a complete secret.
Are we keeping you up, Dr.
Howser? Sorry, I've been up all night.
Six-car pile-up on the floor 05, long shift.
Well, rest up ! You're on rounds tomorrow with Dr.
Peters.
Now people, I'm relying on your good judgment.
No leaks about the Charmagne thing.
I don't want this facility turned into a teenage invasion from hell.
That's it.
Thank you all.
Yo Peters ! I give you 100$ if you let me give her a sponge bath.
Does it ever bother you that Pathology is on the same floor as the cafeteria ? It's not that far fetched, me and her.
Celebrities have a thing for doctors ! It's their perception of us.
We're all powerful, we're healer people, God-like.
Cybill Sheperd, Mary Tyler Moore, Victoria Principal, they all married doctors.
I don't know "Charmagne McGuire" has neglected resonate, for me.
Hi guys.
Hi.
Jack, you're still looking for a roommate ? Sure, you've got someone in mind ? Yeah, me.
What ? What's going on, Doug ? I'm moving out of my parents' house.
When did this happen ? Last night, I'm gonna get a declaration of emancipation.
What's that? Section 64, California's civil code.
You have to be 14, willingly living apart from your parents, managing your own financial affairs and your income isn't from criminal activities.
I've got that covered, it should take 3, 4 weeks tops.
Doogie, are you sure you want to do this? It's pretty rough out there.
I can handle it.
I've got the money.
I'm not just talking about the money.
But it's good place to start.
Listen Doug We make around 2.
500 a month, right? Okay let's start subtracting.
Your taxes are roughly 700.
Rent's about 800, that's if you share a place.
Food's 200 If you cook at home.
And you need a car and insurance That's not counting entertainment, dates, movies, eating out, and then you've got laundry bills, dry cleaning Well you guys do it ! Hey, I still get help from my folks.
And I have two roommates and when I date, the guy normally pays.
Look, it doesn't take much to run my life.
Besides, this isn't about money, it's about freedom.
I've got to do this thing.
Tt's time.
So what do you say Jack, can I move in ? I'm sorry Doogie, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
Your friends are much younger, I don't want all the kids around ! Besides, I like to entertain, if you know what I mean.
Much as I'd like to help you out - Jeez, McGuire, you're as bad as my folks.
And you're not even 30 something.
Thanks a heap.
You think his parents would let me have his room ? Hey, Vinnie.
What are you doing here ? Your mum sent you a laundry grind, dude.
And it ain't clean.
So where's your new place? So far, you're looking at it.
Are you kidding ? We can't party there ! I'm going to look at a place tonight.
Be sure you get a two bedroom when I runaway from home, I want a place to run to.
Okay now let's talk about Charmagne.
Who ? Oh that's good.
Play stupid.
I just saw her limo parked in the back ! The one with "DREAMING" on the licence plate ? She's here.
Oh, that.
Yeah she cut her finger in the kitchen she'll be in and out in about an hour.
You've got that face What face ? That Debbie Beckwith face.
The one you used when you lied to me about taking her out.
Debbie Beckwith? Debbie Beckwith, sixth grade real cute until she had a zinc medecine and grew a moustache.
You're lying to me, Charmagne is in here for a stay.
Alright, she's in here.
But you can't tell anybody, if word gets out Canfield would kill me.
You've got to promise me.
Pinky promise, Delpino.
Okay, okay.
What is she in for ? She's getting a nodule removed from her throat.
Great.
What's a nodule ? It's a small mass of tissue in a form of a swelling, looks like a knot.
Get me that nodule ! Vinnie, go, I've got to get some sleep.
Come on Howser, I want it ! I could bronze it and hang it from my rearview mirror ! Can we at least get me into see her ? Are you kidding ? There's security Canfield's all over us.
You've got to get me something an autograph, a slipper, her sheets ! Yes ? Hi.
I'm Dr.
Howser.
Oh, right.
The genius.
W-well I'm not really a genius.
Oh I mean I am a genius.
Believe me.
I know a lot of stuff.
Tons.
So So don't think I'm not a genius.
You're gonna check me out or what ? Oh, of course.
This checks out good to me.
Real good.
Hum, you see the reason they sent me in here is that, um my speciality is the heart.
And um, it's very important that before a surgery of this type, that, um your heart be fonctioning in a very special fonctioning way.
All systems tip-top, you know.
Oh, sure.
Have a listen.
Isn't my heart on the other side ? Oh well, it's important to sneak up on it.
So, how am I doing ? There's a heart in there alright.
A big one.
Listen, despite me being a doctor, I hang around with a lot of juveniles and um, one such juvenile I know is a very big fan of yours.
If it wouldn't be too much to ask, could you give him an autograph ? Sure, no problem.
His name is, um, Vinnie Delpino.
Doctor, is this necessary ? Well, sometimes when the heart moves, you can get a different perspective.
Medically speaking, of course.
It's a very new concept.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I've been to a lot of places and I've been turned down.
Do you have to be a certain age to rent one of your rooms ? Do you have 25$ ? American currency ? Yes I do ! Sign here.
Here's your bucket.
Your glass.
And your complementary soap.
You're not an armed man, are you ? No sir.
I have to ask.
How could you lie to me all along ? I was gonna get around to telling you it was just never the right time ! You're married ! Get your hands off of me ! Come on, honey ! It doesn't really change anything, it doesn't change what we have with each other ! It changes what I've got for you, bastard ! It's not like I'm really married, I'm just in the middle of a divorce I'm gonna Who are you calling ? Give me that phone.
Aaaah ! Where are you going ? Come here and help me ! Get back in there, Denise ! Where you think you're going ? Ha ?! Denise !! Can I use your phone ? Err, sure.
Your goose is cooked now, you low-life cheeseball ! And when i'll find it I'm gonna stuff right your pants ! Hello, is this Cecilia ? Here, it's for you.
It's your WIFE.
What are you staring at, punk ? Good morning ! How are we feeling ? A little nervous.
Nothing to worry about.
You're in good hands here.
This is Dr.
Fields, he'll be giving your aenesthesia and he wanna talk with you after I am finished.
This is Dr.
Howser, the resident on this service.
He'll be doing the post-operative follow up.
Nurse will be in to give you a pretty open - Hold it.
This kid is bogus.
I assure you, Dr.
Howser is a bona-fide M.
D.
Dr.
Howser is short, dark, has funny teeth and talks up in New York accent.
Vinnie.
Vinnie ? This is not the kid that I saw the other day.
Oh this is ridiculous ! If you guys can get away with something like this, what's next ? Maybe you'll yank off my gall bladder instead of my nodule ? All of you, get out ! I'm out of here ! Out ! Now ! I don't want to see any of you ever again ! Okay, the bottom line is you get your tale back in her room.
You'll crawl all over floors and bark like a dog if you have to.
Beg, prostrate yourself, but make this alright ! She was pretty mad.
She could attack me, do physical damage.
What are you worried about ? You're in a hospital.
Um, hi.
I came to apologize.
I obviously picked a good time.
Listen, I realise- You realise nothing.
You may be the sixteen year-old genius doctor from another planet, but you're an idiot, and your friend is an idiot.
You may know how to list all the reproductive organs of anat', but I am not staying in a hospital that will put up with such immaturity.
So, Dr.
Puberty, I am out of here.
Hold it.
You can't go.
Why not ? Because you need this surgery.
There are other hospitals, other doctors.
Now out of my way.
Okay just tell me one thing.
Are you really leaving because you're steamed up over this hospital or are you leaving because you're scared ? Do you know what could happen if that guy Dr.
Peters slips ? My career is down the toilet ! He won't slip.
Peters is the best in the business.
Even the best can have a bad day.
He's done a thousand of these surgeries.
Yeah, well.
You're not the one lying down with surgical instruments in your mouth.
You're scared, aren't you ? Okay.
So what if I am? Honest, there's nothing to be scared about.
It's a relatively simple procedure and I will personally see to it that your family's apprised every step of the way.
A family.
Oh I'm sorry.
Hey Don't hold any benefits for me.
I'm a big girl, I left home when I was 15.
Really, how come ? None of your business.
You know, the Usual broken home song and dance.
It's better off on my own, believe me.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I just left home myself.
Why would someone like you leave home ? Parents drink ? Hu-hu.
They divorced ? Nope.
They beat on you ? No.
They beat on each other ? No.
Then what's your problem ? Well it started because of a car they won't let me buy.
Wait a second.
You left home over a car ? It's more than just that ! They don't listen to me ! They treat me like a kid ! They treat you like a kid.
Come here.
Look at yourself.
You ARE a kid.
It's the greatest thing in the world to be, enjoy it ! Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.
You left home and you survived.
I had to leave home so that I could survive.
Now look at me ! I'm surrounded by yes-men and hangers-on and bodyguards Well I have cars, and money and all the stuff that's supposed to make you happy but I don't have a family.
I don't have a mum and dad to love me and take care of me.
I mean what if something does go wrong on that operating table ? Who's gonna really be there for me ? Me.
I'll be there for you, I'll be your family.
You're gonna make me cry.
Give me a hug, will you ? Well Well where do we stand ? Are we going ahead ? We need to know.
Is Dr.
Howser gonna be a part of this thing ? He doesn't have to be.
He'd better be.
Well then of course he will.
Okay.
Let's rock n'roll.
Thanks.
Hi Mum, hi Dad ! Hey where are all the choco bars ? So how are you guys doing ? I thought my shift was never going to end.
We better drink this milk up, it expires tomorrow.
Rough day today.
It's gonna be great to hit that pillow upstairs.
There's one thing about a shift like- Pillow upstairs ? Yeah the one on my bed, in my room.
Hold it young man.
Is this just a house-call, or are you back for good ? Well you could say it's kind of an Extended house-call.
Are you prepared to live by the house rules ? I've found out something.
A sixteen year-old needs his mother and father, and a doctor needs his mother and father too.
So you're back for good ? Yeah I am.
I checked out the wagon on the way in, a new coat of paint and a new clear sound system and that baby will be smokin'.
I'm glad you think so.
Well I don't really but That will do for now.
Aren't you forgetting something ? What ? It's monday night.
Football ? Close.
Garbage.
No Dad I hate taking out the- Okay, okay.
Howser, what are you doing here ? I just beat myself up.
But you were out there, over the wall ! I had to come back, Vinnie.
Why ? Cause I just missed you so darn much, how about a big wet kiss, come here ! Get away from me ! So, how's Charmagne ? Fine, her operation's a complete success.
Can you believe it man ? These fingers were six millimeters from her heart, maybe seven away from- Ruining my career.
Hey i'm sorry man.
I couldn't help myself.
Hey I almost forgot.
I've got your present.
Charmagne's nodule.
Woah ! Hey that's a good size nodule ! Isn't it ? How could she sing with that in her throat ? Do you realise the value of this nodule ? Someday, this could be in the Smithsonian.
Why leave it to those coots of the Smithsonian, hum ? Eww, gross ! You're a geek, you've been at the hospital too long ! Pervert.
Doogie ? Oh hi Dad.
Want a raisin ? No thanks.
I just wanted you to know that your mother and I missed you.
And we're glad you're home.
Me too.
Good night son.
Good night Dad.