Everyone Else Burns (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

Episode 2

Thank you. Brother Lewis.
Could I speak to the elders before
My baby's not well
and I really need their advice.
That does sound urgent.
You should see them
as soon as you've waited your turn.
Why wasn't I promoted?
A reminder, this drop-in is
for urgent matters of faith, David.
Yes. And we don't consider being
made elder a promotion.
Yes. Do you still want to ask your
I do.
Elder Abijah, you can cover this.
I've actually got to
You'll cover it.
So, David, you should know
the vote wasn't unanimous.
Sure, 11 elders voted for Andrew,
but one voted for
Oh, no, no.
Elder Danforth's vote was void.
He's 91.
He ticked both boxes and then posted
the slip through his own letterbox.
But we did have lots of applicants.
Who applied apart from me and
The point is that God loves you,
and I'd encourage you to focus on
that, eh?
What do you say?
The big G invites you to bask
in his love.
Are you going to RSVP
with a big, fat hallelujah?
No. Was it Andrew's cologne?
The man smells like an embalmed
He does smell nice. Um
All I'd say is that we'd encourage
you to look within.
As Jesus says, first, take the log
out of your own eye,
but don't worry too much.
The order's about having fun, too.
Is that caffeine-free cola?
No, David, this is the forbidden
full caf.
Last week I shared some
of this with a non-believer,
just to show that us order peeps
also know how to have a good time.
I don't think the other elders
are going to begrudge me
a tiny little caffeine boost.
Put that cola down.
I'll deposit it in the outside bin.
I wish I could trust you to do that.
Elder Samson's such a joker.
He told me if I'd joined
his old congregation,
I'd never have been made elder.
He makes that joke a lot.
See you, David.
Your turn.
That's a lot of shopping.
Didn't feel like driving?
No, the car gets me home faster,
which means more time to kill,
which means to do things
like overgroom the cat
or run a wash cycle just to watch
the drum go round.
Well, I'd ask you more,
but I don't want to be sad.
Would you like 150 utility bags?
Need more context? Yes, please.
I've just upsized my designer
furniture shop
and the new premises
is rammed with unsold stock.
So business is good?
Divorce is good.
I got 80% of the house
and a shocking chunk of her pension.
Why did you think of me?
Your religion.
See, someone like me might describe
this as hideous,
whereas someone like you
Might see that it could hold upwards
of 50 preaching pamphlets.
And any surplus, you could sell on,
As a sort of side hustle.
Like my own business?
Exactly. The order says women will
be fulfilled
by making the home their work.
And have you personally found that?
No, but I've only been doing
it 17 years.
You'd be helping me out. Good
Christian act.
You are Christian, aren't you?
Just checking I've got the right
pressure points. Want to hop in?
Really? Of course. You're taking
the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.
So are your parents proud
of your grades?
They told me that university
was a path to vice.
It's a path to freedom,
knowledge and self-expression.
They think those things are vice.
And you still want to do medicine?
Yes, but dad says a six-year course
is pointless
because God will shatter the Earth
by 2025. Yeah.
This is for work experience.
You'll need it if you want
to stand out.
Coldhurst retirement home.
Well, you can't become a doctor
until a ward of pensioners have
mistaken you for their daughter.
Plus, it'll be motivating.
They'll tell you all about
their unfulfilled dreams.
I just need your mobile number.
I don't have a mobile.
Your home phone, then?
Oh, I'd never get there before
He thinks we get charged per ring.
Rachel, I don't want to alarm you,
but this is a competitive field.
Some of the girls you're up
against will have telephones.
I'll get a phone. Great.
In six short years, you could get
your medical licence, sell out,
and then become
a TikTok medfluencer
making seven figures
off the ignorance of the vulnerable.
Do not squander that.
Sorry, Gideon, I'll put it down
I know you don't like loud noises.
Not on this table, David!
There was two centimetres of
clearance, Fiona.
Any damage to that cat is purely
Family meeting!
So I'm sure you're wondering
why I wasn't promoted.
Well, the elders have revealed
the truth,
and the reason was you.
That's what they said, was it?
They said to remove the log
from your eye.
And after much soul-searching,
I realised that log is my family.
This is from the archives
to help us.
Are those the original order rules?
Nobody follows them, David.
They're weird and outmoded.
There's a map of Israel in there
I don't think any side would agree
God's rule is law. It says here not
to eat bison on the new moon.
And I'll give that up, Aaron.
For God, we need to confront our
Dad, I was just wondering
what's going on?
Your father's just subjugating the
What was your question?
So, most girls my age have mobile
so I was just wondering
if I needed to call while I was out
We minister as a family.
You're usually inside and always
within screaming distance.
But since you're keen to minister
how about you preach two hours
each evening for the week?
Was that just a suggestion?
It started as a suggestion.
Then it was a good idea.
And now it's a command,
an immutable command.
Well, David, if you're done
disappointing your daughter,
I'll get back to my preaching bags.
Melissa gave them to me.
I'm selling them online.
Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put down that merchandise.
Put it down.
The book says women can't work
in online retail?
It says womenfolk have no
place in the agora,
the eBay of the time.
You want to kill my ambition for
a rule you learnt two minutes ago?
Of course I don't.
God does.
Now, Aaron, my beady eye turns to
Drawn us in hell?
Don't hate the truth, Dad.
The Romans hated it so much
that they nailed it to the cross.
I'm coming back to fix you.
Hi, David. Just stopping by
for a friendly visit.
Are you gonna remove the chain,
How's being an elder?
Lots of unpleasant responsibilities?
Well, the first duty's been deciding
which Biblical name to take.
And the one I've gone for is -
you'll really like this, David -
Make a point or leave, please.
How are you getting
on with our good friend Joel?
Oh, Joel.
I'll make a start with him soon.
Aren't you due to be speaking to him
It's just that he's been sending me
text messages.
"Looking forward to the meeting
in 20 minutes."
Then, "Should be here in ten."
Then, "He's not here."
Then, "He's not coming, is he?"
Oh, fine.
I'll do it. Thanks, David.
If you ever need anything Oh!
So the seeds that fell
on the fertile soil, they became
Do you ever mark people
down to never be visited again?
We have a blacklist for people
who abuse or swear us.
Fuck Fuck off?
Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
I can't talk to you, you know.
This is my first preaching visit
to this non-believer.
Do you want to brief me on any
salient information?
There is no salient information.
Non-believers are all the same,
dead-eyed clones blocking
out the truth.
How about his name?
Clones, Aaron.
They're clones.
Right. This is where I fix you.
You're about to watch a master
at work.
You'll see the Bible speak
through me as a divine envoy.
Ah, David, you're finally
Out of the way.
We're here to save you.
You don't mind my son being here
while I minister, do you?
Well, some of the stuff's quite,
um intimate.
Great. Let's start with that.
If you prefer, I can leave the room.
No, Aaron, you have a right to hear
this man's depraved life story.
I thought you said no judgment.
I'm talking to my son.
Now, I'm going to listen in
quiet humility, OK?
Well, my girlfriend left me
six weeks ago.
Oh, wow.
I love getting these. One sec.
Right, second day of your journey
to salvation.
So it's really just you doing
these visits?
Because Andrew seems so nice.
Do you only have two types
of biscuits?
So you ignored yesterday's feedback.
So what's it like being a kid
in the order world?
Worldly kids at school make fun of
but in the afterlife, I'll get to
watch them burn
through my own special window.
Your window? It'll be my personal
paradise, Joel.
There will be a window.
Oh, please, use a coaster.
It's an original Noguchi
coffee table.
My ex bought it for me.
Joel, we're guests in your house.
Of course I'll respect the rules.
So, let's talk about your
relationship's most painful moments.
Just four or five examples. Go.
I can't have coffee.
No stimulants.
It's decaf.
I'm good at remembering weird rules
that were screamed at me aged nine.
Once, I accidentally ate some
My dad said I had to throw it up.
Did you? Did I make myself sick
just because someone told me to?
Yes. I thought you said you weren't
allowed to talk to me.
Well, I'm not talking to you,
just thanking a stranger for coffee.
No, no! Keeps trying to run off.
His name's Ricky Hatton,
so calling out for him's a bit
Can you not just call him Ricky?
He only responds to the full name.
Why are you doing so much
door to door?
I asked my dad for a phone
and instead,
he took away
all my evenings for a week.
What do you need a phone for?
Work experience, which I need
if I want to go to uni and
..be a doctor.
..Get away from the order.
Well, enjoy the decaf.
Real coffee's great,
but I guess that's the price
of living in fear.
I don't live in fear.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think this is the decaf.
Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh.
They were both decaf, Rachel.
See you tomorrow.
So Aaron, it's been three visits now
and I haven't felt much community.
Do you feel you have a community?
I mean, I haven't got any
friends, but I draw lots.
David, where did you find that cup?
Oh, from some chintzy armoire
in your hallway.
My antique cabinet - that's not
meant to be drunk out of.
Any liquid hotter than 40 degrees
would strip the patina.
Ooh, that's hot.
I guess I can forget about tasting
these custard creams.
OK, maybe we should end
these sessions.
You seem socially maladjusted,
and I think your son has anger
problems. My son idolises me.
David, he's drawing
you in an acid bath.
Joel, if you've got an issue
with me, say it to my face.
I have an issue with you.
I'm saying it.
Well, here's another issue.
I'm putting this down
without a coaster.
Clearly, I only meant to
leave a ring.
Fiona, I've noticed that
you and your husband
sleep in two separate single beds.
David likes to push them together
on special occasions,
but the table
makes that difficult.
So why'd you put the table
there, then?
I just told you.
David's back. Maybe we should pause
while I talk to him.
Fiona, if I paused with my ex,
I wouldn't have a new kitchen.
Fight back. Get the marble
countertops and the chrome taps.
What the?
Melissa, why is there a stranger
in my personal kingdom?
We're taking business photos
for the website.
Fiona, this book is clear on
what is seemly
and what is unseemly.
Hmm, thousand-year-old book
versus two living women.
This'll be good. As the patriarch,
God caused me
to lead this household.
Don't make me use that divine power.
Use it. Go on, then.
Fiona, as God's patriarch
I want to do the business, David.
Then you have my permission.
Well done, big man.
Now, get out.
Can I come in to change my shirt?
No. You can come back in the room
when I'm done making money
and I'm a money magnet, David!
Money magnet!
Was that good? A little too good.
But I'm here for it.
Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?
I've just emancipated my wife
and I'm feeling pretty low.
Just returned from Joel's house.
Apparently, you attacked
an expensive collector's item
with another expensive
collector's item.
It was a lesson, to teach him the
real value of worldly possessions.
Well, the real value was five grand.
He'd like you to reimburse him.
It was an accident. I only meant to
cause superficial damage.
Fortunately, I've convinced him
to forgive you.
I've also persuaded Elder Samson not
to revoke any of your privileges,
even though this is, to his memory,
the most disgraceful thing
any ordinand has ever done.
Thank you.
Given the situation, I'll be looking
after Joel from now on.
Sorry, David. Obviously, Andrew is
your buddy,
but Elder Andrew
..he must walk a different path.
Well, Andrew might not see the
benefits of my ministering style,
but Aaron clearly does.
Look at this drip technique.
He's moved on to abstract art.
No more violent images of
He probably started that weeks ago.
He started as soon as he came
back from Joel's. Right.
I'm done. A whole week of night
preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.
Nearly lost my finger
to a razor-sharp letterbox.
Number 38. I know it well.
But I'm done.
Rachel, I've been reflecting.
I think it's only right
to reward your labour after all.
You mean Dad, really?
This has seen history.
You couldn't get me a new one?
They don't build them like this
any more, Rachel.
Look at that battery life.
10%, and it hasn't been plugged
in since 9/11.
Look alive.
Try the home phone.
Is it ringing?
It's getting really warm.
Great. Respect the awesome
power it grants you.
Ricky Hatton!
Mr Hatton?
Ricky Hatton!
You found him, then? Yeah.
Peace offering.
Peppermint, for the sake of both of
our souls.
But drink quickly.
The mug's absence will be noticed.
Mmm, can't wait to chug
this scalding liquid.
Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.
It leaks battery acid and can't
text or call. Just as well.
Which means I can give you
my peace offering.
Good as new.
Oh, my gosh.
It's just my old handset.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I guess if I needed to message you,
for help with the phone, I mean,
your number's on here?
You can't bring yourself
to ask me, can you? Put it on.
Miss? You asked to see me
in your office.
I did say that, and it made me
feel very powerful.
Rachel, congratulations.
You're officially an unpaid
You start ladling medically
thickened gravy on Monday.
They picked me? From a field
of zero applicants.
They picked me! What a great day,
my favourite people succeeding,
and a crazy man smashed my ex's
coffee table.
He's crushed, Rachel.
And his libido was already
so fragile.
How's my phone, Rachel?
So many memories -
hours texting my dad
about how the Old Testament
predicted the credit crunch.
Yeah, it's been great, Dad.
Now, Fiona, I know I gave my
permission for your business,
but not everyone's so liberal
about bags, OK?
I wouldn't mention
it to the congregation.
Thank you for the advice, David.
Sister Lewis, you've given our
chapter its own de facto uniform.
Now we can all band together,
I'm sure there'll be fewer
harassment incidents.
Or more, since we're easier to spot.
But, hey, if women could be elders,
you'd be a shoo-in.
And honestly, I could see
that rule changing one day. I can't.
But thank you for donating
the proceeds. Thank you.
If you'll excuse me, I might go
speak with my
Is it prideful to say fans?
My fans.
David. You'll see
I'm on the gold cola.
No caffeine.
It tastes Well,
really quite different, actually.
Thankfully, Samson's been pretty
chill about the whole thing.
Abijah, you're on probation.
Pop your scarf back on.
Squash, strong.
I've realised something.
When you told me to look within,
you weren't just talking about
my family's mistakes, were you?
You were talking about my own. Yes.
We were talking exclusively
about you, David.
Your pride, your tendency
to blame external factors
instead of yourself. Hmm.
I'd like to return
this to the archives.
Is that a first edition
of our oldest maxims?
They're horrendously outdated, them.
I thought we burnt them all.
"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk
leading to a big list of exceptions.
Shred it, Abijah. Pulp the remains.
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Don't mind me, Rachel.
Just destroying this book
of forbidden knowledge.
Wow, your first text.
Welcome to the information age.
Well, I got no time to tarry here
Don't you stop me
Cos I'm going to a land
where skies are clear
And I ain't got time
To linger longer
I ain't got time
To stop today. ♪
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