Family Law (2021) s01e03 Episode Script
Addicted to Love
1
Previously, on Family Law
I'd also like you to start
working with your brother,
- as his junior.
- [both] What?
I was already in law school
when you were still
masturbating into a gym sock.
Abigail, your presence on the website
will do the firm more harm than good.
- I'm sure you understand.
- I get it.
Besides, I've never been
in your family photos.
Why start now?
Listen to me, you little turd biscuit,
you touch my son again,
and I will destroy you.
As fun as it is, looking
at donor profiles,
it's also "Dyke Night" at Velvet.
I'm wiped.
Long day?
[women groaning]
If you hadn't had an affair
with a woman named "Felicity"
I didn't mean for it to happen.
[♪]
Oh! Sweetheart. Stop
tormenting yourself.
She's in Chicago. It's not
a hop, skip, and a jump.
Yeah, but that conference
where she and Frank
it's on again next month.
In San Diego.
Is he going?
I don't know.
I thought he told you he
severed all contact with her.
He did. I believe him.
Except when I don't.
Abby, it was one night. A blip.
If you ask me, his biggest
mistake was telling you about it.
Well, if you ask me, his
biggest mistake was f
[kettle whistles]
[♪]
[doorbell chimes]
Sofe! Nico!
Butts in gear! Your chariot awaits.
I need to put in our benefits claim.
You still haven't given
me your therapy receipts.
Good morning to you, too.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
'Morning.
You look nice.
Better.
But I do need those receipts.
You are going, right?
Yes! Of course. I'm
court-mandated, remember?
Any, uh work travel coming up?
- No. Why?
- Mom!
[♪]
Mm. Hello.
Hi!
After you.
[♪]
- Here you go, cutie.
- Are you sure this is okay?
I don't want you getting in trouble.
- I think you mean "more trouble".
- No, I know the law.
Sidewalks are public property.
I'm not violating my ban.
Words no child should
ever hear their mother say.
Hey.
We'll watch you go in.
One thing I bet you didn't know
is that you can't lick your own elbow.
Huh.
Come on, I'll walk you to class.
Anyone hassles you, I'll
kick 'em in the nuts.
[♪]
17 storeys, 5,912 phone steps.
17 storeys, 6,391. I win.
Oh, I have a longer stride.
Oh! [laughs]
Oh, hi, Abby.
Danny, don't just stand
there. Help your sister.
- Have a great day, Pooh Bear.
- Mm, you too
Little 'Roo.
[Abby snickers]
She's like your very own Mini Me.
You, but with a woo-woo.
What's it like, having
sex with yourself?
[bag thuds]
What's it like, living
with your mom at age 40?
What's it like manscaping
to overcompensate
for your lack of personality?
Lucy says you're compelled
to mock happy couples
because you're miserable and alone, so.
Okay, you two. Play nice.
[♪]
- Was that ?
- Yes.
- From The Real
- Yes.
She was one of the nastier ones.
Not that I ever watched.
Yup. She's willing to drag
her divorce on for years,
just to make her ex suffer.
Me, I'll suffer all the way to the bank.
The briefs you asked me to review.
You're welcome.
You've never thanked me
for giving you this job.
Why would I thank you for doing it?
[♪]
Saw that.
Marlee should be the
one to move out, not me.
I paid for the house, now
I'm the one couch-surfing?
Because you left me,
Dwight, you gelatinous cube.
I had no choice, you displacer beast!
Enough with the Dungeons
& Dragons insults.
- Wait, how did you
- Let's stay on point.
My client wants the house,
and custody of the children.
Sure, that makes sense,
since he works 12 hours a day
and I'm a stay-at-home mom.
A stay-at-home mom who's
having a round-the-clock affair.
I'm not having an affair!
My colleague knows as well as I do,
extramarital affairs are irrelevant
when it comes to custody.
But negligent parenting isn't.
She's frakkin' this guy all the time,
even when the children are there.
You don't believe me?
See for yourself.
- Whoa, whoa
- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
You recorded my gaming?
What is this?
"Second Life." A VR game.
That's her avatar, Gefion,
on top of his avatar, Freyr.
["Gefion"] Ravage me, Freyr!
[groans] Ravage me
with your hot,
throbbing
Viking manhood!
Your client spends so much
time in the virtual world,
we have legitimate concerns
for the children's safety and
emotional well-being in the real one.
I'll be filing a motion
requesting Dwight Hartford get
possession of the family home
and full custody of the children.
["couple" climaxing loudly]
You can't prove it
Uh-oh
You got nothing legit
Uh-oh
The glove don't fit
Uh-oh
You gotta acquit
Uh-oh
The charges won't stick 'cos
I ain't no sucker
Ain't your lollipop but
You can kiss my sweet
Uh-huh
Never gonna stop
Never gonna stop ♪
Never gonna stop
Never gonna stop ♪
You can't prove it
Uh-oh
[Jerri] That's just ridiculous.
If you tried that in real
life, you'd put out your back.
- Or worse, lose an eye.
- [chuckling]
Marlee's agreed to
have a monitoring device
installed on her computer.
It'll track the hours
she spends on Second Life.
Results will go to all parties?
Lucy, could you do a home assessment?
Sure thing.
Abby, go with her.
We need Marlee's signature
for the monitoring device.
[hits keys]
[game theme plays]
Okay, it's beyond weird,
but is it cheating?
Of course, it's cheating.
She's having sex with another man.
No, her avatar is having
sex with another avatar.
It's not like she's having
sex with strangers in bars.
If there's no penetration,
it's not infidelity, as simple as that.
- [click]
- So, in your moral universe,
you could've had phone sex every night
while you were married
to any one of our moms,
and it wouldn't have been cheating?
Nope.
And that is why you will die alone.
Charming.
[Lucy exhales]
A healthy fantasy life is
good for a relationship,
but if it's not mutual,
at the very least, it's
emotional infidelity.
- I never cheated.
- No. You're a serial monogamist.
Speaking of which,
when's your anniversary?
Two years of living
together on the 28th.
[Lucy chuckles]
He'll break up with her before then,
that way he avoids common law.
Is it true, Pooh?
Danielle and I are doing
just fine, thank you very much.
That's what you said about
Hannah. And Alix.
And Georgia.
[game theme plays]
[♪]
- Hey!
- Hi.
How old are the kids?
Uh, four and five.
When did you move to Vancouver?
Three years ago, from Regina.
Dwight got an awesome
job at a gaming company.
I tried to get a job
there too, last year.
I'm actually more qualified than he is.
Let me guess. They didn't think
you could work the long hours?
So, here I am.
Livin' the dream.
- Do you have a community here?
- Oh, please.
This town is brutal.
Everyone's, like, mountain climbing
or doing something else
that requires Gore-Tex.
Gore-Tex the fabric of
choice for fashion don'ts.
[♪]
This is where I play.
Only when the kids aren't around,
or if they're asleep.
Uh, i-isn't that your avatar?
Yeah. Freyr and Gefion.
You know the Vikings of
Valhalla comic series, right?
- Uh, no.
- Sure thing.
Yeah, Dwight and I are huge fans.
We met when he accidentally
goosed me with his sword
at ComiCon 2013 lineup,
and then a week later,
he said, "Ashau nashveh tu"
on the Jumbotron at the
Star Trek convention.
It, um, means "I love you" in Vulcan.
He always was a master
at grand gestures.
[Abby] No wonder they're
headed for divorce.
Did you see those mannequins?
Ugh.
And Second Life?
A haven for lonely geeks
to play make-believe
so they can forget how
crappy their real lives are.
How '90s of you, Abby.
It's hugely popular.
And for the record,
geeks rule the world now.
Your age is showing.
[Abby] You have got to be kidding me.
[♪]
Hey!
That cost me 50 bucks!
You. Get outta here. Now.
Now!
Did you even go to school today?
Yes. I just skipped French.
With a boy who looks like
a young Charles Manson.
What? His name is Justin
and he's really nice.
- Hi, Aunt Lucy.
- Hey, Sofe.
How old is he?
- 15.
- Let me tell you something.
No 15-year old boy is nice.
- They are all ruled by their penises.
- Mom!
- That's a sweeping generalization.
- Back off, Auntie!
I'm taking you back to school.
Now.
Please don't tell Dad.
- You know I can't do that.
- Please! I'll
I'll come to that dinner with
you and Nico on Wednesday night.
Wait. Are you trying to bribe me?
Deal.
- Shut up.
- I didn't say anything.
Oh, "marriage is built on a
foundation of trust," blah-diddy-blah.
I can read your judgy
therapist thoughts.
[♪]
[text alert chimes]
[keys start clicking]
Hey.
[yelps] Ahh! You scared me.
Ohh.
[♪]
- What? I'm totally on time.
- On time is late.
I checked scheduling.
We've got Judge Natali.
[groans] Oh, shit.
Is that a problem?
She's the one who gave Frank
temporary custody of our kids.
So she makes reasoned decisions.
Sorry. I just gotta tie my shoe.
Your shoes don't have laces.
Ah. Your old boss.
Is there anyone here
you don't need to avoid?
Come on, just do me a solid, will ya?
Fine.
You're good. He's gone.
Shit!
What the fudge, Daniel?
Marlee is a dedicated mother.
She drives the kids to
school, to activities,
doctor's appointments,
makes the meals
She does all the actual parenting
while Dwight is at work.
To give Mr. Hartford custody
would mean the kids would
be raised by a nanny,
and we've all seen the results
of the monitoring device.
Mrs. Liu-Hartford
spends two hours a day
on Second Life, at most.
It's our view that Mr. Hartford
is motivated by jealousy
of an avatar.
Uh, Your Honor,
I ask leave of the court
to introduce new evidence.
Be my guest, counsel.
My client installed a keystroker
on the kids' shared laptop.
[Daniel] Your Honor, that's
spyware, it's not admissible.
It is! Parents are allowed
to surveil their children's property.
Your client thought this
laptop wouldn't be monitored,
so she used it instead.
Say she spends longer than
two hours a day on her hobby.
So what?
Fathers come home
from a long day at work
and they stick their noses
in their phones all night.
Why do we always hold
mothers to a higher standard?
[Judge] Spare me the
soapbox, Ms. Bianchi.
Your client is on Second
Life 16 hours a day.
And she used her young
children's laptop
- to play a sex game.
- [Judge] This is not a hobby, counsel.
This is an addiction.
Mrs. Liu-Hartford pulled
the wool over your eyes.
But we already know that
addicts are very good liars.
I want a progress report in one week.
If I don't see that you
are doing what you can
to address this addiction,
I will take Mr. Hartford's
motion for temporary custody
into serious consideration.
- Adjourned.
- [gavel bangs]
Can you believe that Dwight spied on me?
And no way was I on for 16 hours a day.
- That spyware malfunctioned.
- Marlee, stop.
Make an appointment with a therapist.
Delete Second Life from
all of your devices.
Go to Online Gamers Anonymous.
Agree to let us monitor
every device in your home.
If you don't want to lose your kids,
you've got to follow
the judge's requirements.
And if you lie to me again,
you can find yourself a new lawyer.
[♪]
I know it must seem crazy,
spending that much
time in a fantasy world.
But what I have with online Freyr,
it's so much deeper
than anything I've had
with Dwight in a long time.
I don't expect you to understand.
I know what it's like
to overindulge in something
when you're feeling
undervalued and unloved.
- You do?
- Yeah, I found out
some troubling news about my husband,
so I went a bit off the rails
And boom, the next thing you know,
Natali has given my husband
temporary custody of our kids.
- She did that?
- You know, and I know,
that not one person should
have to carry all the blame,
but Natali's
not so good at seeing
the shades of gray.
So what do I do?
- I don't want to lose my kids.
- Okay, well, you want my advice?
Go to the meetings, therapy
Do the blah-diddy-blah for the optics,
but the simplest thing you can do?
Get off Second Life.
Just quit.
It's what I did.
- Really?
- Yeah, cold turkey.
It was that simple.
[♪]
[exercise bikes whizzing]
[ding]
[ding]
[man] Hello. Dr. Cameron's office.
Uh, yeah, I have an
appointment with Dr. Cameron
tomorrow morning at 9:00.
- Okay. Who may I ask is calling?
- Abigail Bianchi.
And what is this regarding, Ms. Bianchi?
- Yeah, I'm gonna have to cancel.
- Again?
Yes, again.
[chuckles] What can I say? Life's busy.
You realize our policy is
to charge you if you're canceling?
I know you have to charge me.
Just, uh, email me the receipt.
[♪]
One date for $100, three for two.
All right, put me down for the 14th.
I am e-transferring to you now.
Want in on the office pool?
$100 lets you guess which day
Daniel breaks up with Danielle
before their two-year anniversary.
Oh! Daddy's girl has a mean streak.
[chuckles] Daddy's girl makes
half of what Daniel makes.
Mm, well, Daddy's paying this girl
less than half of what
Daniel makes, so, uh
put me down for the 11th.
[bill rustling]
[♪]
Dwight and I used to
have so much fun together.
He was the Freyr to my Gefion.
Can you pinpoint when
things started to change?
Sure.
Having kids.
Don't get me wrong.
I love 'em like stink.
But anyone who says children
don't change a relationship
is lying.
That, coupled with the move,
leaving family and friends behind
I've been a
stay-at-home mom
for five years.
Hmm. You must feel lonely sometimes.
Some women are so good at it
but [sighs]
[voice cracks] I'm so bored.
And I'm so boring.
And I think that Dwight thinks so, too,
because it's like he's
stopped seeing me.
In Second Life, with Freyr, I feel
You feel seen.
Yeah.
[sniffles]
I like talking to you, Ms. Svensson.
It's a lot more than just
a bunch of blah-diddy-blah.
[♪]
[footsteps]
Did you honestly tell Marlee
to "just quit" Second Life?
And to go to therapy,
but only for the optics,
because it's just a bunch
of "blah-diddy-blah"?
No. I don't believe
those were my exact words.
You hear that? She went behind your back
and gave your client
highly-troubling advice.
Mm.
And you went behind my
back to start a betting pool
to see when I'll break up with the woman
who's quite possibly
the love of my life.
So to hell with both of you.
[Abby chuckling]
I am begging you,
please do not tell him I placed a bet.
Cecil, you've been monitoring
- the devices at Marlee's house, right?
- Yeah.
How many hours has she
logged on Second Life?
Zero.
But it's like when I was a kid,
my mom wouldn't let me play Farmville,
I'd just go to a friend's
house or go to the library.
You know, log in from
a different IP address.
[♪]
[Abby] Seriously, Cecil?
You've given me balloon tits.
Come on, make them smaller.
Smaller.
Most people build hotter
versions of themselves, is all.
Not that you're not already.
I mean
How do you know all this?
'Cause I have a Second Life account.
Not for sex!
I'm building my dream house.
I designed it,
and now I'm buying furniture
that other users have designed.
Mm-hmm.
So you're saying you spend real money
on cartoon furniture
in a video game?
It is not a "video game".
You're making it sound weird.
It's a virtual society.
You can be anyone you want.
If you're old, you can be young.
If you're in a wheelchair, you can fly.
And who are you on there?
Do you know where Marlee spends
most of her time in the world?
Valhalla.
All right. Let's take your avatar there.
- [Abby] Who's that?
- Oh, that's me.
[Cecil] Nice house.
[Abby] There she is.
[Cecil] You should see mine.
Is that them?
[groans] Oh.
[click]
Yeah, who needs blah-diddy-blah?
Cold turkey works every time.
[♪]
Hi!
I know you're still on Second Life.
No. No, I'm not.
Marlee, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
And it doesn't matter anyway,
because I tracked down "Freyr."
- How did you
- I have a private investigator.
His real name is Herbert Dyckman.
Lives in Surrey,
and he's dying to meet "Gefion".
[Marlee balks]
He's here?
Mm-hmm. In that very coffee shop.
I don't think I want to do this.
Oh, no, no. You're doing it.
It's about time you get a
cold, hard dose of reality,
because we both know "Freyr"
is really some slob living
in his mom's basement
with mustard stains on his shirt
and Dorito dust around his mouth.
[snaps fingers]
[background chatter,
quiet and indistinct]
Herbert Dyckman?
[angelic chorus plays]
[♪]
Gefion?
You look exactly like your avatar.
You don't.
[cell phone rings]
You're way prettier in real life.
Uh, you might have to
excuse me for a minute here.
Fine. Go.
Yeah, I don't think I should leave you.
- [ringing]
- Buh-bye now.
Frank, I'm kind of in
the middle of something.
Sofia's school just called.
She hasn't been there all day.
What? They're only letting you know now?
I'm just picking up messages,
I've been in court all day.
Well, why didn't they call me?
You're not on the list anymore.
- That is so messed-up.
- She's not answering her phone.
Do you have any idea where she might be?
Gimme a second.
[boop]
[chimes]
- She's at the house.
- H-How do you know that?
Because I added myself
to her tracking app
when she wasn't looking, okay?
And clearly, it's a good thing I did!
It's the only way I could
find out where my children are.
- Oh, god.
- What?
Charles Manson kid.
What if she's with Charles Manson kid?
[Kyle] This 50-50 custody thing,
it isn't working.
Seriously, Kyle?
Why is that?
I thought you were both
happy with my arbitration.
It's, uh, Parker's new boyfriend.
Doug.
Doug is ruining all the hard work
I've put into training Craig.
Craig is learning terrible habits.
Look at him!
You can see he he's distressed.
[panting]
[Parker] Please.
He's just jealous because I've
moved on and he hasn't.
I knew you were gonna say
that, so I brought proof.
Hmm?
Where did you get those photos?
You uploaded them to our shared account.
[Parker] You are such a loser.
"Doug" lets Craig up on the couch.
He lets him eat off the table!
[Parker, scoffing] Way to go, genius.
Those photos only prove
that Craig loves Doug
more than he loves you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
some of us have real jobs.
Screenwriting is a real job!
Yeah, only if someone's
paying you, dork.
[Kyle sighs]
Talk to me, Kyle.
[Kyle sighs again]
I don't get to see Craig
for a week at a time,
and when I do get him back,
it's like he's forgotten
everything I've taught him.
It's like he's forgotten me.
[♪]
I can't believe you didn't
tell me about this kid.
I can't believe you bribed our daughter.
No, no, I didn't bribe
her, she bribed me.
Sofia.
[sighs] You scared us half to death.
Why weren't you in school?
Why weren't you answering your phone?
Can I talk to you in private?
- Of course, sweetheart.
- Not you.
Mom.
Is this about Charles Manson kid?
Because I can make him
wish he'd never been born.
[tearfully] Mom, God!
I got my stupid period
and I didn't want to tell my friends
because they all got theirs ages ago,
and
I kind of lied and told
them that I already had mine,
and I got scared that I
might bleed through my skirt,
so I came home to, like, deal with it,
but Dad doesn't have any
girl products in the house.
Oh sweetheart.
Well, we can take care of that, pronto.
It's all gonna be okay.
It's gonna feel like old hat in no time,
trust me.
Aww!
[Abby] Jerri's on garbage duty now?
My client.
"The Real Botox"?
She wants substantially
more spousal support
than her ex is currently offering.
I need to document her spending habits.
Prove she's accustomed
to a certain lifestyle.
Those are her receipts
for the past year.
You're not suggesting
I'm not suggesting.
I'm telling.
I need an itemized breakdown
by the end of the week.
Harry!
Hire a forensic accountant to do it.
Get Cecil to do it.
Why would I do that when I have you?
[♪]
[line ringing]
[man] Dr. Cameron's office.
Hi, this is Abigail Bianchi.
Please hold.
[woman] Ms. Bianchi.
This is Dr. Cameron.
Oh. Hello.
Every time you cancel an appointment,
it's disrespectful,
both of my time
and for the people on my wait list.
So, as of today,
I'm putting an end to this little game.
I wish you the best of luck.
Can I just get my receipt
[sighs]
[Jerri] I understand that, Mr. Choi,
but our bill is past due by two months.
Yes. Thank you. Bye.
I just had a session with Marlee.
She told me that somebody introduced her
to the man behind her VR crush.
Isn't that doctor/patient privilege?
Abigail.
Well, maybe that someone
didn't expect it to go the way it did.
Maybe that someone
thought it would help snap
Marlee back to reality.
You know, the first
time I spoke to Marlee,
it felt like there was still
some hope for her marriage.
And now
You're trying to work things
out with your husband, right?
Imagine how much harder it would be
if somebody introduced
a real, live version
of his fantasy woman into the mix.
Why are you always trying
to take the shortcuts?
Because they're shorter.
I used to tell everyone I was sober.
My wife, my kids
Said it so much, I
almost believed it myself.
And meanwhile, I'm hiding
bottles all over the house.
Even kept a 26er of rye
tucked inside the toilet tank.
[♪]
Please, Harry, I beg of you,
buy a pair of longer shorts.
"Longer shorts." Oxymoron.
- Receipts. Itemized.
- Good.
She's a spendaholic.
Two grand a month on her hair alone,
and about that much again
on doggie outfits for her Shitzu.
All reasons why she
deserves at least double
the spousal support her
ex is currently offering.
She needs to maintain the lifestyle
to which she's accustomed.
Or she could blow dry her own hair
and help eradicate malaria
in developing countries.
[chuckles]
[Dwight, shouting] Assassin! Assassin!
You've ruined my marriage!
You have ruined my life!
[Daniel] Mr. Hartford,
please, calm down.
No, I'm not gonna calm down!
You introduced her to Freyr!
- [candies clattering]
- Ah!
[Dwight] Why would you do that?
- How is that your job?
- [candies clattering]
I have no idea what
you're talking about!
I've lost her forever!
Ahh! My eye!
- Sorry
- Okay, fella.
Time for you to go!
Sorry about that.
[elevator arrival button dings]
What the hell was Dwight talking about?
"Real-life Freyr"?
I used a P.I. I know
to track down the guy behind Freyr.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Daniel, focus!
That's not what's important right now.
You were just viciously assaulted.
He threw Skittles at me.
No. It was vicious.
Harry and I were both
witnesses, weren't we, Harry?
- You almost lost an eye.
- Have you actually lost your mind?
Let me spell it out for you!
We can use this to nail
Dwight's ass to the wall.
Screw shared custody! We
can get Marlee full custody.
He's violent, unpredictable.
You haven't learned a thing
about family law, have you?
I've learned that what you do
can barely be defined as law.
"Daniel Svensson, Pet Arbitrator."
This isn't personal injury, okay?
This isn't about "winning."
First rule of family law
Put the needs of the children first.
And that rarely means
severing ties with a parent.
Harry. Come on!
Your brother's right, Abigail.
You grossly overstepped
and your strategy is a non-starter.
So you're just gonna let
Dwight get away with this?
Yeah, I am.
He only did it because you did
a phenomenally reckless thing.
I'll say it again, Dad.
She doesn't belong here.
Maybe not,
but the stuff about
the father being violent
and unpredictable
Worth keeping in your back pocket.
George! Hi.
What a surprise.
- Abigail.
- Uh, hey, so I just wanted you to know,
that, uh, as soon as
my probation is over,
I am ready to step
back into my old role.
Stronger than ever.
A-And I know we have a lot to discuss,
but I can come by at any
time Your convenience.
Do you know how many of your clients
have come to us,
asking if you lost their
case because you were drunk?
That never played a part.
And for the record,
I had very few losses.
Bob Johnson?
The client who you
Oh, how shall I put this
Vomited on
is suing the firm.
Bob's an idiot, okay?
Let me handle Bob.
You can come back, Abigail
when hell freezes over.
[♪]
♪
[Daniel] So we're agreed?
This is a new low, Daniel,
you know that, right?
Well, I mean, I can put this back on.
My eye is still quite sore.
Put away your Halloween
costume, Jack Sparrow.
We're agreed.
My client has also
been seeing a therapist,
Lucy Svensson.
Ms. Svensson is happy to answer
any further questions you may have.
Our client has taken
your recommendations
very seriously.
Counsel?
I have nothing further
to add, Your Honor.
[Judge] Well, I must commend
you, Mrs. Liu-Hartford.
I wish all the folks I saw in here
were as committed as you are.
Marlee Liu-Hartford and Dwight Hartford
will have shared custody of the kids.
60-40 split for now,
since Marlee is the
stay-at-home parent.
And I'm letting her stay in the house.
Mr. Hartford will find
alternate accommodations.
We'll reconvene tomorrow
to discuss support.
- Adjourned.
- [gavel bangs]
Congratulations.
What's wrong?
It means it's really
over now, doesn't it?
Between me and Dwight.
I thought you wanted it that way?
You and Herbert
I sent him back to Surrey.
He's nice.
And hot.
But beyond Second Life,
we had nothing in common.
Not like me and Dwight.
[♪]
[Marlee exhales deeply]
[Yannick] I hear you, bro.
Maybe your dad's getting
soft in his old age.
He brought her in out
of guilt, I get that.
It's letting her stay
that boggles my mind.
That's family.
[♪]
[loudly] You know, as much
as it pains me to admit it,
you were right.
[emphatically] Marlee
still loves Dwight.
- Why are you ?
- [still loud] It's obvious
she wants him back. The only reason
she had an online affair
was because she felt
he no longer loved her.
- Why are you shouting?
- It's just too bad
we can't be the ones to
tell him, though, right?
[still loud] Conflict
of interest and all that.
[♪]
I've changed your custody arrangement.
You both still get Craig 50-50.
I should hope so.
But instead of one
week on, one week off,
it will be three days
on, three days off.
That way, Doug's
"bad habits" won't have as
much time to get ingrained.
I-I can live with that.
No, this is a lot for me to rearrange
with Craig's daycare schedule.
You hired me to arbitrate
for the two of you.
My decision stands.
You'll be receiving my written report
later this week.
Happy?
[Craig begins tinkling]
Sorry about your rug.
Hi.
My therapy receipts.
And, uh, check this out.
My one-month chip from A.A.
Abby, congratulations.
Crack open the champagne!
It's a joke.
I'm doing the work, Frank.
I could just as easily
keep doing it here.
Let's have this conversation
when you hit the three-month mark.
- Hey, Sofe.
- Hi.
Sofe, hi. Hey, uh, so,
I got you something.
It's called "Me, Myself,
and My Changing Body."
Okay? It's kind of cool.
Tells you everything you
need to know about, uh
Okay, barf. I'm not 10, Abigail.
[bikes whizzing]
[phone keys clicking]
[message chimes]
[message chimes]
[♪]
Mr. Krol,
I don't take kindly to people
who waste the court's time.
I'm giving your client one more minute.
[bellowing] Gefion!
[doors bang]
[dramatically] Why, ye gods twain,
with bitter tongues strive
with reproachful words
to raise hate among us here?
My Gefion
Dwight?
Marlee, I love you so much.
I don't want to lose you.
I have two seats booked on a flight
leaving in four hours for ComiCon.
Please say you'll come.
- The kids
- Are with your mother.
Please, Marlee,
say we can try again.
I want to spend the weekend
seeing you.
- Yes, Freyr.
- [relieved chuckle]
Yes, Dwight.
Ashau nash-veh tu.
[chuckling]
Oh
You okay?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- [both laughing]
[couple still chuckling]
[♪]
[electronic alert beeps]
[blowing]
[Breathalyzer beeping]
[♪]
[indistinct conversations]
[indistinct conversations]
[♪]
Abby!
I told Danny to wait for
the whole family to be here
before the announcement,
but he said he couldn't reach you.
We're engaged.
We're going ring shopping this weekend.
Wow.
Congratulations.
Lucy
[chuckles]
I don't know what you said,
but he told me you had an influence,
so thank you.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I'm so happy for both of you.
[Harry] Congratulations.
Uh-uh-uh.
We get sparkling water.
[Cecil] Congratulations, Daniel.
Maybe Harry'll finally
get some grandchildren.
[loudly] I already
have grandchildren. Two.
[Cecil] Oh, right.
I keep forgetting she's your daughter.
[♪]
Babe
Sabina and the gang are going to Velvet.
We should go.
Uh, or, just as fun,
we could eat in front of the TV
and look at more sperm-donor profiles?
[laughs]
Sure. Yeah, let me just grab a beer.
[♪]
As it heals
Scratch the itch
Pick the scab Don't let it seal ♪
This is a martyr's scar
[♪]
Oh
And if I wallow here
- It's my history to burn
-
- These are My lessons to learn ♪
-
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
[♪]
I'll send you pictures
Of us when we were deluded ♪
Don't you think it
was A beautiful high? ♪
Look at Coco's princess dress ♪
Hazel eyes depict An
optimistic youthful alibi ♪
Oh
And if I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are My lessons to learn ♪
But, for now One more round ♪
Then I'll go
[♪]
We made some plans
We told the folks ♪
We told a lie or two
But that's All secondary stuff ♪
The disappointment Was electric ♪
But you don't know it
Because you've
never Been in love ♪
Oh
And if I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are My lessons to learn ♪
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
If I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are my lessons To learn ♪
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
Watch an all new Family
Law, next Friday on Global.
Legally I should report you.
♪
This is your one
free pass. Do you understand me?
If you do anything to jeopardize
this firm's reputation
MY reputation again
You are done!
I'm Daniel Svensson and this is my
junior associate Abigail Bianchi.
I need to emancipate from my parents.
Effective immediately.
Previously, on Family Law
I'd also like you to start
working with your brother,
- as his junior.
- [both] What?
I was already in law school
when you were still
masturbating into a gym sock.
Abigail, your presence on the website
will do the firm more harm than good.
- I'm sure you understand.
- I get it.
Besides, I've never been
in your family photos.
Why start now?
Listen to me, you little turd biscuit,
you touch my son again,
and I will destroy you.
As fun as it is, looking
at donor profiles,
it's also "Dyke Night" at Velvet.
I'm wiped.
Long day?
[women groaning]
If you hadn't had an affair
with a woman named "Felicity"
I didn't mean for it to happen.
[♪]
Oh! Sweetheart. Stop
tormenting yourself.
She's in Chicago. It's not
a hop, skip, and a jump.
Yeah, but that conference
where she and Frank
it's on again next month.
In San Diego.
Is he going?
I don't know.
I thought he told you he
severed all contact with her.
He did. I believe him.
Except when I don't.
Abby, it was one night. A blip.
If you ask me, his biggest
mistake was telling you about it.
Well, if you ask me, his
biggest mistake was f
[kettle whistles]
[♪]
[doorbell chimes]
Sofe! Nico!
Butts in gear! Your chariot awaits.
I need to put in our benefits claim.
You still haven't given
me your therapy receipts.
Good morning to you, too.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
'Morning.
You look nice.
Better.
But I do need those receipts.
You are going, right?
Yes! Of course. I'm
court-mandated, remember?
Any, uh work travel coming up?
- No. Why?
- Mom!
[♪]
Mm. Hello.
Hi!
After you.
[♪]
- Here you go, cutie.
- Are you sure this is okay?
I don't want you getting in trouble.
- I think you mean "more trouble".
- No, I know the law.
Sidewalks are public property.
I'm not violating my ban.
Words no child should
ever hear their mother say.
Hey.
We'll watch you go in.
One thing I bet you didn't know
is that you can't lick your own elbow.
Huh.
Come on, I'll walk you to class.
Anyone hassles you, I'll
kick 'em in the nuts.
[♪]
17 storeys, 5,912 phone steps.
17 storeys, 6,391. I win.
Oh, I have a longer stride.
Oh! [laughs]
Oh, hi, Abby.
Danny, don't just stand
there. Help your sister.
- Have a great day, Pooh Bear.
- Mm, you too
Little 'Roo.
[Abby snickers]
She's like your very own Mini Me.
You, but with a woo-woo.
What's it like, having
sex with yourself?
[bag thuds]
What's it like, living
with your mom at age 40?
What's it like manscaping
to overcompensate
for your lack of personality?
Lucy says you're compelled
to mock happy couples
because you're miserable and alone, so.
Okay, you two. Play nice.
[♪]
- Was that ?
- Yes.
- From The Real
- Yes.
She was one of the nastier ones.
Not that I ever watched.
Yup. She's willing to drag
her divorce on for years,
just to make her ex suffer.
Me, I'll suffer all the way to the bank.
The briefs you asked me to review.
You're welcome.
You've never thanked me
for giving you this job.
Why would I thank you for doing it?
[♪]
Saw that.
Marlee should be the
one to move out, not me.
I paid for the house, now
I'm the one couch-surfing?
Because you left me,
Dwight, you gelatinous cube.
I had no choice, you displacer beast!
Enough with the Dungeons
& Dragons insults.
- Wait, how did you
- Let's stay on point.
My client wants the house,
and custody of the children.
Sure, that makes sense,
since he works 12 hours a day
and I'm a stay-at-home mom.
A stay-at-home mom who's
having a round-the-clock affair.
I'm not having an affair!
My colleague knows as well as I do,
extramarital affairs are irrelevant
when it comes to custody.
But negligent parenting isn't.
She's frakkin' this guy all the time,
even when the children are there.
You don't believe me?
See for yourself.
- Whoa, whoa
- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
You recorded my gaming?
What is this?
"Second Life." A VR game.
That's her avatar, Gefion,
on top of his avatar, Freyr.
["Gefion"] Ravage me, Freyr!
[groans] Ravage me
with your hot,
throbbing
Viking manhood!
Your client spends so much
time in the virtual world,
we have legitimate concerns
for the children's safety and
emotional well-being in the real one.
I'll be filing a motion
requesting Dwight Hartford get
possession of the family home
and full custody of the children.
["couple" climaxing loudly]
You can't prove it
Uh-oh
You got nothing legit
Uh-oh
The glove don't fit
Uh-oh
You gotta acquit
Uh-oh
The charges won't stick 'cos
I ain't no sucker
Ain't your lollipop but
You can kiss my sweet
Uh-huh
Never gonna stop
Never gonna stop ♪
Never gonna stop
Never gonna stop ♪
You can't prove it
Uh-oh
[Jerri] That's just ridiculous.
If you tried that in real
life, you'd put out your back.
- Or worse, lose an eye.
- [chuckling]
Marlee's agreed to
have a monitoring device
installed on her computer.
It'll track the hours
she spends on Second Life.
Results will go to all parties?
Lucy, could you do a home assessment?
Sure thing.
Abby, go with her.
We need Marlee's signature
for the monitoring device.
[hits keys]
[game theme plays]
Okay, it's beyond weird,
but is it cheating?
Of course, it's cheating.
She's having sex with another man.
No, her avatar is having
sex with another avatar.
It's not like she's having
sex with strangers in bars.
If there's no penetration,
it's not infidelity, as simple as that.
- [click]
- So, in your moral universe,
you could've had phone sex every night
while you were married
to any one of our moms,
and it wouldn't have been cheating?
Nope.
And that is why you will die alone.
Charming.
[Lucy exhales]
A healthy fantasy life is
good for a relationship,
but if it's not mutual,
at the very least, it's
emotional infidelity.
- I never cheated.
- No. You're a serial monogamist.
Speaking of which,
when's your anniversary?
Two years of living
together on the 28th.
[Lucy chuckles]
He'll break up with her before then,
that way he avoids common law.
Is it true, Pooh?
Danielle and I are doing
just fine, thank you very much.
That's what you said about
Hannah. And Alix.
And Georgia.
[game theme plays]
[♪]
- Hey!
- Hi.
How old are the kids?
Uh, four and five.
When did you move to Vancouver?
Three years ago, from Regina.
Dwight got an awesome
job at a gaming company.
I tried to get a job
there too, last year.
I'm actually more qualified than he is.
Let me guess. They didn't think
you could work the long hours?
So, here I am.
Livin' the dream.
- Do you have a community here?
- Oh, please.
This town is brutal.
Everyone's, like, mountain climbing
or doing something else
that requires Gore-Tex.
Gore-Tex the fabric of
choice for fashion don'ts.
[♪]
This is where I play.
Only when the kids aren't around,
or if they're asleep.
Uh, i-isn't that your avatar?
Yeah. Freyr and Gefion.
You know the Vikings of
Valhalla comic series, right?
- Uh, no.
- Sure thing.
Yeah, Dwight and I are huge fans.
We met when he accidentally
goosed me with his sword
at ComiCon 2013 lineup,
and then a week later,
he said, "Ashau nashveh tu"
on the Jumbotron at the
Star Trek convention.
It, um, means "I love you" in Vulcan.
He always was a master
at grand gestures.
[Abby] No wonder they're
headed for divorce.
Did you see those mannequins?
Ugh.
And Second Life?
A haven for lonely geeks
to play make-believe
so they can forget how
crappy their real lives are.
How '90s of you, Abby.
It's hugely popular.
And for the record,
geeks rule the world now.
Your age is showing.
[Abby] You have got to be kidding me.
[♪]
Hey!
That cost me 50 bucks!
You. Get outta here. Now.
Now!
Did you even go to school today?
Yes. I just skipped French.
With a boy who looks like
a young Charles Manson.
What? His name is Justin
and he's really nice.
- Hi, Aunt Lucy.
- Hey, Sofe.
How old is he?
- 15.
- Let me tell you something.
No 15-year old boy is nice.
- They are all ruled by their penises.
- Mom!
- That's a sweeping generalization.
- Back off, Auntie!
I'm taking you back to school.
Now.
Please don't tell Dad.
- You know I can't do that.
- Please! I'll
I'll come to that dinner with
you and Nico on Wednesday night.
Wait. Are you trying to bribe me?
Deal.
- Shut up.
- I didn't say anything.
Oh, "marriage is built on a
foundation of trust," blah-diddy-blah.
I can read your judgy
therapist thoughts.
[♪]
[text alert chimes]
[keys start clicking]
Hey.
[yelps] Ahh! You scared me.
Ohh.
[♪]
- What? I'm totally on time.
- On time is late.
I checked scheduling.
We've got Judge Natali.
[groans] Oh, shit.
Is that a problem?
She's the one who gave Frank
temporary custody of our kids.
So she makes reasoned decisions.
Sorry. I just gotta tie my shoe.
Your shoes don't have laces.
Ah. Your old boss.
Is there anyone here
you don't need to avoid?
Come on, just do me a solid, will ya?
Fine.
You're good. He's gone.
Shit!
What the fudge, Daniel?
Marlee is a dedicated mother.
She drives the kids to
school, to activities,
doctor's appointments,
makes the meals
She does all the actual parenting
while Dwight is at work.
To give Mr. Hartford custody
would mean the kids would
be raised by a nanny,
and we've all seen the results
of the monitoring device.
Mrs. Liu-Hartford
spends two hours a day
on Second Life, at most.
It's our view that Mr. Hartford
is motivated by jealousy
of an avatar.
Uh, Your Honor,
I ask leave of the court
to introduce new evidence.
Be my guest, counsel.
My client installed a keystroker
on the kids' shared laptop.
[Daniel] Your Honor, that's
spyware, it's not admissible.
It is! Parents are allowed
to surveil their children's property.
Your client thought this
laptop wouldn't be monitored,
so she used it instead.
Say she spends longer than
two hours a day on her hobby.
So what?
Fathers come home
from a long day at work
and they stick their noses
in their phones all night.
Why do we always hold
mothers to a higher standard?
[Judge] Spare me the
soapbox, Ms. Bianchi.
Your client is on Second
Life 16 hours a day.
And she used her young
children's laptop
- to play a sex game.
- [Judge] This is not a hobby, counsel.
This is an addiction.
Mrs. Liu-Hartford pulled
the wool over your eyes.
But we already know that
addicts are very good liars.
I want a progress report in one week.
If I don't see that you
are doing what you can
to address this addiction,
I will take Mr. Hartford's
motion for temporary custody
into serious consideration.
- Adjourned.
- [gavel bangs]
Can you believe that Dwight spied on me?
And no way was I on for 16 hours a day.
- That spyware malfunctioned.
- Marlee, stop.
Make an appointment with a therapist.
Delete Second Life from
all of your devices.
Go to Online Gamers Anonymous.
Agree to let us monitor
every device in your home.
If you don't want to lose your kids,
you've got to follow
the judge's requirements.
And if you lie to me again,
you can find yourself a new lawyer.
[♪]
I know it must seem crazy,
spending that much
time in a fantasy world.
But what I have with online Freyr,
it's so much deeper
than anything I've had
with Dwight in a long time.
I don't expect you to understand.
I know what it's like
to overindulge in something
when you're feeling
undervalued and unloved.
- You do?
- Yeah, I found out
some troubling news about my husband,
so I went a bit off the rails
And boom, the next thing you know,
Natali has given my husband
temporary custody of our kids.
- She did that?
- You know, and I know,
that not one person should
have to carry all the blame,
but Natali's
not so good at seeing
the shades of gray.
So what do I do?
- I don't want to lose my kids.
- Okay, well, you want my advice?
Go to the meetings, therapy
Do the blah-diddy-blah for the optics,
but the simplest thing you can do?
Get off Second Life.
Just quit.
It's what I did.
- Really?
- Yeah, cold turkey.
It was that simple.
[♪]
[exercise bikes whizzing]
[ding]
[ding]
[man] Hello. Dr. Cameron's office.
Uh, yeah, I have an
appointment with Dr. Cameron
tomorrow morning at 9:00.
- Okay. Who may I ask is calling?
- Abigail Bianchi.
And what is this regarding, Ms. Bianchi?
- Yeah, I'm gonna have to cancel.
- Again?
Yes, again.
[chuckles] What can I say? Life's busy.
You realize our policy is
to charge you if you're canceling?
I know you have to charge me.
Just, uh, email me the receipt.
[♪]
One date for $100, three for two.
All right, put me down for the 14th.
I am e-transferring to you now.
Want in on the office pool?
$100 lets you guess which day
Daniel breaks up with Danielle
before their two-year anniversary.
Oh! Daddy's girl has a mean streak.
[chuckles] Daddy's girl makes
half of what Daniel makes.
Mm, well, Daddy's paying this girl
less than half of what
Daniel makes, so, uh
put me down for the 11th.
[bill rustling]
[♪]
Dwight and I used to
have so much fun together.
He was the Freyr to my Gefion.
Can you pinpoint when
things started to change?
Sure.
Having kids.
Don't get me wrong.
I love 'em like stink.
But anyone who says children
don't change a relationship
is lying.
That, coupled with the move,
leaving family and friends behind
I've been a
stay-at-home mom
for five years.
Hmm. You must feel lonely sometimes.
Some women are so good at it
but [sighs]
[voice cracks] I'm so bored.
And I'm so boring.
And I think that Dwight thinks so, too,
because it's like he's
stopped seeing me.
In Second Life, with Freyr, I feel
You feel seen.
Yeah.
[sniffles]
I like talking to you, Ms. Svensson.
It's a lot more than just
a bunch of blah-diddy-blah.
[♪]
[footsteps]
Did you honestly tell Marlee
to "just quit" Second Life?
And to go to therapy,
but only for the optics,
because it's just a bunch
of "blah-diddy-blah"?
No. I don't believe
those were my exact words.
You hear that? She went behind your back
and gave your client
highly-troubling advice.
Mm.
And you went behind my
back to start a betting pool
to see when I'll break up with the woman
who's quite possibly
the love of my life.
So to hell with both of you.
[Abby chuckling]
I am begging you,
please do not tell him I placed a bet.
Cecil, you've been monitoring
- the devices at Marlee's house, right?
- Yeah.
How many hours has she
logged on Second Life?
Zero.
But it's like when I was a kid,
my mom wouldn't let me play Farmville,
I'd just go to a friend's
house or go to the library.
You know, log in from
a different IP address.
[♪]
[Abby] Seriously, Cecil?
You've given me balloon tits.
Come on, make them smaller.
Smaller.
Most people build hotter
versions of themselves, is all.
Not that you're not already.
I mean
How do you know all this?
'Cause I have a Second Life account.
Not for sex!
I'm building my dream house.
I designed it,
and now I'm buying furniture
that other users have designed.
Mm-hmm.
So you're saying you spend real money
on cartoon furniture
in a video game?
It is not a "video game".
You're making it sound weird.
It's a virtual society.
You can be anyone you want.
If you're old, you can be young.
If you're in a wheelchair, you can fly.
And who are you on there?
Do you know where Marlee spends
most of her time in the world?
Valhalla.
All right. Let's take your avatar there.
- [Abby] Who's that?
- Oh, that's me.
[Cecil] Nice house.
[Abby] There she is.
[Cecil] You should see mine.
Is that them?
[groans] Oh.
[click]
Yeah, who needs blah-diddy-blah?
Cold turkey works every time.
[♪]
Hi!
I know you're still on Second Life.
No. No, I'm not.
Marlee, don't bullshit a bullshitter.
And it doesn't matter anyway,
because I tracked down "Freyr."
- How did you
- I have a private investigator.
His real name is Herbert Dyckman.
Lives in Surrey,
and he's dying to meet "Gefion".
[Marlee balks]
He's here?
Mm-hmm. In that very coffee shop.
I don't think I want to do this.
Oh, no, no. You're doing it.
It's about time you get a
cold, hard dose of reality,
because we both know "Freyr"
is really some slob living
in his mom's basement
with mustard stains on his shirt
and Dorito dust around his mouth.
[snaps fingers]
[background chatter,
quiet and indistinct]
Herbert Dyckman?
[angelic chorus plays]
[♪]
Gefion?
You look exactly like your avatar.
You don't.
[cell phone rings]
You're way prettier in real life.
Uh, you might have to
excuse me for a minute here.
Fine. Go.
Yeah, I don't think I should leave you.
- [ringing]
- Buh-bye now.
Frank, I'm kind of in
the middle of something.
Sofia's school just called.
She hasn't been there all day.
What? They're only letting you know now?
I'm just picking up messages,
I've been in court all day.
Well, why didn't they call me?
You're not on the list anymore.
- That is so messed-up.
- She's not answering her phone.
Do you have any idea where she might be?
Gimme a second.
[boop]
[chimes]
- She's at the house.
- H-How do you know that?
Because I added myself
to her tracking app
when she wasn't looking, okay?
And clearly, it's a good thing I did!
It's the only way I could
find out where my children are.
- Oh, god.
- What?
Charles Manson kid.
What if she's with Charles Manson kid?
[Kyle] This 50-50 custody thing,
it isn't working.
Seriously, Kyle?
Why is that?
I thought you were both
happy with my arbitration.
It's, uh, Parker's new boyfriend.
Doug.
Doug is ruining all the hard work
I've put into training Craig.
Craig is learning terrible habits.
Look at him!
You can see he he's distressed.
[panting]
[Parker] Please.
He's just jealous because I've
moved on and he hasn't.
I knew you were gonna say
that, so I brought proof.
Hmm?
Where did you get those photos?
You uploaded them to our shared account.
[Parker] You are such a loser.
"Doug" lets Craig up on the couch.
He lets him eat off the table!
[Parker, scoffing] Way to go, genius.
Those photos only prove
that Craig loves Doug
more than he loves you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
some of us have real jobs.
Screenwriting is a real job!
Yeah, only if someone's
paying you, dork.
[Kyle sighs]
Talk to me, Kyle.
[Kyle sighs again]
I don't get to see Craig
for a week at a time,
and when I do get him back,
it's like he's forgotten
everything I've taught him.
It's like he's forgotten me.
[♪]
I can't believe you didn't
tell me about this kid.
I can't believe you bribed our daughter.
No, no, I didn't bribe
her, she bribed me.
Sofia.
[sighs] You scared us half to death.
Why weren't you in school?
Why weren't you answering your phone?
Can I talk to you in private?
- Of course, sweetheart.
- Not you.
Mom.
Is this about Charles Manson kid?
Because I can make him
wish he'd never been born.
[tearfully] Mom, God!
I got my stupid period
and I didn't want to tell my friends
because they all got theirs ages ago,
and
I kind of lied and told
them that I already had mine,
and I got scared that I
might bleed through my skirt,
so I came home to, like, deal with it,
but Dad doesn't have any
girl products in the house.
Oh sweetheart.
Well, we can take care of that, pronto.
It's all gonna be okay.
It's gonna feel like old hat in no time,
trust me.
Aww!
[Abby] Jerri's on garbage duty now?
My client.
"The Real Botox"?
She wants substantially
more spousal support
than her ex is currently offering.
I need to document her spending habits.
Prove she's accustomed
to a certain lifestyle.
Those are her receipts
for the past year.
You're not suggesting
I'm not suggesting.
I'm telling.
I need an itemized breakdown
by the end of the week.
Harry!
Hire a forensic accountant to do it.
Get Cecil to do it.
Why would I do that when I have you?
[♪]
[line ringing]
[man] Dr. Cameron's office.
Hi, this is Abigail Bianchi.
Please hold.
[woman] Ms. Bianchi.
This is Dr. Cameron.
Oh. Hello.
Every time you cancel an appointment,
it's disrespectful,
both of my time
and for the people on my wait list.
So, as of today,
I'm putting an end to this little game.
I wish you the best of luck.
Can I just get my receipt
[sighs]
[Jerri] I understand that, Mr. Choi,
but our bill is past due by two months.
Yes. Thank you. Bye.
I just had a session with Marlee.
She told me that somebody introduced her
to the man behind her VR crush.
Isn't that doctor/patient privilege?
Abigail.
Well, maybe that someone
didn't expect it to go the way it did.
Maybe that someone
thought it would help snap
Marlee back to reality.
You know, the first
time I spoke to Marlee,
it felt like there was still
some hope for her marriage.
And now
You're trying to work things
out with your husband, right?
Imagine how much harder it would be
if somebody introduced
a real, live version
of his fantasy woman into the mix.
Why are you always trying
to take the shortcuts?
Because they're shorter.
I used to tell everyone I was sober.
My wife, my kids
Said it so much, I
almost believed it myself.
And meanwhile, I'm hiding
bottles all over the house.
Even kept a 26er of rye
tucked inside the toilet tank.
[♪]
Please, Harry, I beg of you,
buy a pair of longer shorts.
"Longer shorts." Oxymoron.
- Receipts. Itemized.
- Good.
She's a spendaholic.
Two grand a month on her hair alone,
and about that much again
on doggie outfits for her Shitzu.
All reasons why she
deserves at least double
the spousal support her
ex is currently offering.
She needs to maintain the lifestyle
to which she's accustomed.
Or she could blow dry her own hair
and help eradicate malaria
in developing countries.
[chuckles]
[Dwight, shouting] Assassin! Assassin!
You've ruined my marriage!
You have ruined my life!
[Daniel] Mr. Hartford,
please, calm down.
No, I'm not gonna calm down!
You introduced her to Freyr!
- [candies clattering]
- Ah!
[Dwight] Why would you do that?
- How is that your job?
- [candies clattering]
I have no idea what
you're talking about!
I've lost her forever!
Ahh! My eye!
- Sorry
- Okay, fella.
Time for you to go!
Sorry about that.
[elevator arrival button dings]
What the hell was Dwight talking about?
"Real-life Freyr"?
I used a P.I. I know
to track down the guy behind Freyr.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Daniel, focus!
That's not what's important right now.
You were just viciously assaulted.
He threw Skittles at me.
No. It was vicious.
Harry and I were both
witnesses, weren't we, Harry?
- You almost lost an eye.
- Have you actually lost your mind?
Let me spell it out for you!
We can use this to nail
Dwight's ass to the wall.
Screw shared custody! We
can get Marlee full custody.
He's violent, unpredictable.
You haven't learned a thing
about family law, have you?
I've learned that what you do
can barely be defined as law.
"Daniel Svensson, Pet Arbitrator."
This isn't personal injury, okay?
This isn't about "winning."
First rule of family law
Put the needs of the children first.
And that rarely means
severing ties with a parent.
Harry. Come on!
Your brother's right, Abigail.
You grossly overstepped
and your strategy is a non-starter.
So you're just gonna let
Dwight get away with this?
Yeah, I am.
He only did it because you did
a phenomenally reckless thing.
I'll say it again, Dad.
She doesn't belong here.
Maybe not,
but the stuff about
the father being violent
and unpredictable
Worth keeping in your back pocket.
George! Hi.
What a surprise.
- Abigail.
- Uh, hey, so I just wanted you to know,
that, uh, as soon as
my probation is over,
I am ready to step
back into my old role.
Stronger than ever.
A-And I know we have a lot to discuss,
but I can come by at any
time Your convenience.
Do you know how many of your clients
have come to us,
asking if you lost their
case because you were drunk?
That never played a part.
And for the record,
I had very few losses.
Bob Johnson?
The client who you
Oh, how shall I put this
Vomited on
is suing the firm.
Bob's an idiot, okay?
Let me handle Bob.
You can come back, Abigail
when hell freezes over.
[♪]
♪
[Daniel] So we're agreed?
This is a new low, Daniel,
you know that, right?
Well, I mean, I can put this back on.
My eye is still quite sore.
Put away your Halloween
costume, Jack Sparrow.
We're agreed.
My client has also
been seeing a therapist,
Lucy Svensson.
Ms. Svensson is happy to answer
any further questions you may have.
Our client has taken
your recommendations
very seriously.
Counsel?
I have nothing further
to add, Your Honor.
[Judge] Well, I must commend
you, Mrs. Liu-Hartford.
I wish all the folks I saw in here
were as committed as you are.
Marlee Liu-Hartford and Dwight Hartford
will have shared custody of the kids.
60-40 split for now,
since Marlee is the
stay-at-home parent.
And I'm letting her stay in the house.
Mr. Hartford will find
alternate accommodations.
We'll reconvene tomorrow
to discuss support.
- Adjourned.
- [gavel bangs]
Congratulations.
What's wrong?
It means it's really
over now, doesn't it?
Between me and Dwight.
I thought you wanted it that way?
You and Herbert
I sent him back to Surrey.
He's nice.
And hot.
But beyond Second Life,
we had nothing in common.
Not like me and Dwight.
[♪]
[Marlee exhales deeply]
[Yannick] I hear you, bro.
Maybe your dad's getting
soft in his old age.
He brought her in out
of guilt, I get that.
It's letting her stay
that boggles my mind.
That's family.
[♪]
[loudly] You know, as much
as it pains me to admit it,
you were right.
[emphatically] Marlee
still loves Dwight.
- Why are you ?
- [still loud] It's obvious
she wants him back. The only reason
she had an online affair
was because she felt
he no longer loved her.
- Why are you shouting?
- It's just too bad
we can't be the ones to
tell him, though, right?
[still loud] Conflict
of interest and all that.
[♪]
I've changed your custody arrangement.
You both still get Craig 50-50.
I should hope so.
But instead of one
week on, one week off,
it will be three days
on, three days off.
That way, Doug's
"bad habits" won't have as
much time to get ingrained.
I-I can live with that.
No, this is a lot for me to rearrange
with Craig's daycare schedule.
You hired me to arbitrate
for the two of you.
My decision stands.
You'll be receiving my written report
later this week.
Happy?
[Craig begins tinkling]
Sorry about your rug.
Hi.
My therapy receipts.
And, uh, check this out.
My one-month chip from A.A.
Abby, congratulations.
Crack open the champagne!
It's a joke.
I'm doing the work, Frank.
I could just as easily
keep doing it here.
Let's have this conversation
when you hit the three-month mark.
- Hey, Sofe.
- Hi.
Sofe, hi. Hey, uh, so,
I got you something.
It's called "Me, Myself,
and My Changing Body."
Okay? It's kind of cool.
Tells you everything you
need to know about, uh
Okay, barf. I'm not 10, Abigail.
[bikes whizzing]
[phone keys clicking]
[message chimes]
[message chimes]
[♪]
Mr. Krol,
I don't take kindly to people
who waste the court's time.
I'm giving your client one more minute.
[bellowing] Gefion!
[doors bang]
[dramatically] Why, ye gods twain,
with bitter tongues strive
with reproachful words
to raise hate among us here?
My Gefion
Dwight?
Marlee, I love you so much.
I don't want to lose you.
I have two seats booked on a flight
leaving in four hours for ComiCon.
Please say you'll come.
- The kids
- Are with your mother.
Please, Marlee,
say we can try again.
I want to spend the weekend
seeing you.
- Yes, Freyr.
- [relieved chuckle]
Yes, Dwight.
Ashau nash-veh tu.
[chuckling]
Oh
You okay?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- [both laughing]
[couple still chuckling]
[♪]
[electronic alert beeps]
[blowing]
[Breathalyzer beeping]
[♪]
[indistinct conversations]
[indistinct conversations]
[♪]
Abby!
I told Danny to wait for
the whole family to be here
before the announcement,
but he said he couldn't reach you.
We're engaged.
We're going ring shopping this weekend.
Wow.
Congratulations.
Lucy
[chuckles]
I don't know what you said,
but he told me you had an influence,
so thank you.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I'm so happy for both of you.
[Harry] Congratulations.
Uh-uh-uh.
We get sparkling water.
[Cecil] Congratulations, Daniel.
Maybe Harry'll finally
get some grandchildren.
[loudly] I already
have grandchildren. Two.
[Cecil] Oh, right.
I keep forgetting she's your daughter.
[♪]
Babe
Sabina and the gang are going to Velvet.
We should go.
Uh, or, just as fun,
we could eat in front of the TV
and look at more sperm-donor profiles?
[laughs]
Sure. Yeah, let me just grab a beer.
[♪]
As it heals
Scratch the itch
Pick the scab Don't let it seal ♪
This is a martyr's scar
[♪]
Oh
And if I wallow here
- It's my history to burn
-
- These are My lessons to learn ♪
-
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
[♪]
I'll send you pictures
Of us when we were deluded ♪
Don't you think it
was A beautiful high? ♪
Look at Coco's princess dress ♪
Hazel eyes depict An
optimistic youthful alibi ♪
Oh
And if I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are My lessons to learn ♪
But, for now One more round ♪
Then I'll go
[♪]
We made some plans
We told the folks ♪
We told a lie or two
But that's All secondary stuff ♪
The disappointment Was electric ♪
But you don't know it
Because you've
never Been in love ♪
Oh
And if I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are My lessons to learn ♪
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
If I wallow here
It's my history to burn
These are my lessons To learn ♪
But for now
One more round
Then I'll go
Watch an all new Family
Law, next Friday on Global.
Legally I should report you.
♪
This is your one
free pass. Do you understand me?
If you do anything to jeopardize
this firm's reputation
MY reputation again
You are done!
I'm Daniel Svensson and this is my
junior associate Abigail Bianchi.
I need to emancipate from my parents.
Effective immediately.