Friends s04e13 Episode Script

She is the star of the play, and she is my girlfriend.
I get to have sex with the star of the play! -People can hear you.
-I know! She looks great, doesn't she? That is one good-looking man.
Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat? So you been doing this long? No.
You're my first.
Put the money on the table.
That's nice.
Dude! -ls that an expensive blouse? -lf you want it to be.
Here's your girlfriend's button.
The One with Rachel's Crush Do you still have your old blouses and dresses from high school? Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere.
Why? Maternity clothes are so expensive.
Rach, I made a pile of your stuff.
If you could just throw your purses at it.
Bloomingdale's eliminated my department.
Are you out of a job? No, but they stuck me in Personal Shopping, which is a huge step down.
What is that? Where you walk around with rich people and tell them what to buy? That sounds great! We switched apartments.
You can't eat our food.
That gravy train has ended.
There's gravy? If you have the big apartment, you have to deal with people coming over.
That fridge has to be stocked.
That's your apartment now.
-What are you doing? -I think I left a doughnut up here.
How was Kathy's play? Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good-looking guy.
It's like somebody wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it.
That's a good idea for a business.
I'm totally screwed.
They're gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night then they'll go to their cast parties, and he's gonna try to undermine me.
He'll be like, "Where's your boyfriend? What's his name? Chester?" She'll go, "It's Chandler.
" He'll go, "Whatever!" That is a good trick.
All right, look.
What am I going to do? They're actors.
They're there to do a job.
It doesn't mean they're gonna get together.
Just because it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins doesn't mean it's gonna happen with them.
Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.
They're not a couple.
I get the game now.
All these people were in movies together.
It's much different with plays.
You were in acting class together, and she slept with you.
Acting class is a lot more like a movie than a play.
When they were doing it on stage, was it really hot? Oh, yeah.
So you're fine.
The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage then all the sexual tension between them is gone.
As long as it's hot on stage, you got nothing to worry about.
When the heat goes away, that's when you're in trouble.
Really? You guys have been to every play I've been in.
Have I ever had chemistry on stage? -No.
-No! Are you gonna go see the play with me tonight? I don't know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between them.
-I know, but -No, I'm there.
-Want some pancakes? -You made pancakes? Grab a plate.
No, no.
Stay right there.
Getting closer.
Don't worry we also have cereals, muffins, waffles and jams, jellies and marmalades, which I'm sure are the same thing.
Please eat, because Joey opened everything.
We're watching the game here Saturday night, if people wanna come over.
I was thinking about having people over.
Yeah? Who's playing? The players.
Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
Please.
It's a relief, is what it is, is what it is.
Pheebs, stick out your plate.
Monica, I'm quitting.
I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong, and she didn't even buy it.
I'm quitting.
I'm talking to my boss right now.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Okay, bye.
Call me when you get this message.
Mr.
Waltham? I really need to talk to you.
In a moment, please.
I'm in the middle of a task.
And you have a customer.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Joshua.
I'm Rachel Greene.
What could I do for you, Joshua? I need a whole new wardrobe.
My wife Well, my ex-wife I'm so sorry.
Anyway, she burned all of my clothes.
I got away with this suit and what turned out to be a skirt.
Well, at least that's a great suit.
It wasn't much fun dropping it off at the dry cleaners in the skirt.
I need everything down to underwear.
If you're willing, I'm all yours.
Okay.
You needed to speak to me? No, no, that wasn't me.
We should get started.
Let me show you my underwear.
The selection of underwear that we carry.
I'm sorry.
-It's this way.
-This way? Sorry.
I'm right.
Right? There was no chemistry between them.
Before, they had heat.
Now, there's no heat.
You know what this means.
Joey told us what this means.
Let's not jump to any conclusions.
There was some sexual chemistry.
Come on.
It was like cousins having sex.
Here she comes.
Don't say a word.
Just be cool.
Don't be, you know, you.
Hey, you guys! Thank you so much for coming again.
-Did you like it tonight? -Absolutely.
Wasn't Nick funny when he couldn't get his match lit? It's a good play, isn't it? I loved the play.
You were great.
And Nick, ditto.
Clearly, you're having sex with him.
Okay.
Clearly, I'm having sex with him? It was so obvious.
There was no chemistry between you two.
You're accusing me of cheating on you, and you're insulting my performance? I can see how this could happen.
You're up there every night naked, touching, kissing.
Acting.
Chandler, this is my job.
I'm playing a part in a play.
How can you not trust me? You can understand, given how we started.
I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
That is what happened.
I don't even see you denying this.
I'll tell you what, Chandler.
You call me when you grow up.
Don't expect that to happen any time soon! I have the best job in the entire world! The most adorable guy came over, and I got to dress him up all day! Rachel has a new doll! I wish he was a doll.
I'd get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissing noises.
He's got the most beautiful name.
I never realized.
Joshua.
Joshua.
Joshua.
Josh.
Hello? Hi.
What do I smell? I don't know.
It smells good.
Fresh cookies! Hot from the oven.
Please, have some.
I've been fiddling around here, making delicious treats for everyone.
The new Playboy.
Just something I picked up.
Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever! What? It's just something Joshua said about V-necks, but you had to be there.
How does Jason look in a V-neck? -It's Joshua.
-Whatever.
Wait.
Wait.
This isn't takeout! -Hate to eat and run.
-No, wait.
Please, don't go! I've got porn for you too.
I don't need it.
People are supposed to want to hang out here.
Why? What is the big deal? I'm the hostess.
Not those guys.
I'm always the hostess.
Even when I was little, the girls brought their dollies to my tea party.
I served the best air.
Why'd you make a big thing out of everyone hanging out in the big apartment? 'Cause they took our apartment.
I wanted to punish them.
I'm done now.
They've suffered enough.
If you wanted to punish them, you should have just made them hang out here.
That is true.
This place is gonna be 10 times better than that place.
Are we gonna trash their place? There's steps! Slut! You'll all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy! -What? -You were right? I confronted her, and she didn't deny it.
I don't live here! Wait, are you sure? I may be drunk, but I know what she said.
Then I went over to Beefsteak Chewley's.
-Beefsteak Charlie's? -Yes! You and l have always been like: Man, I am so sorry.
The bartender taught me a trick, though.
I don't remember it.
-Do you need help with that? -I got it.
I just feel bad.
I never vacuum.
I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out.
-Just so frustrating.
-Why don't you ask him out? Totally.
That's such a turn-on.
Really? It doesn't seem desperate? That's the turn-on.
He just got a divorce.
Right? He's probably really nervous around women.
Maybe you just need to make the first move.
-I've never asked a guy out before.
-You've never asked a guy out? No.
Have you? Thousands of times! That doesn't make me sound too good, does it? I don't even know how I would go about it.
What I do is, I look a woman up and down, and I say "Hey.
How you doing?" Oh, please! Hey.
How you doing? You know what? I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna call him up and ask him out.
I can do that, ask him out.
"How you doing?" Hi, Joshua.
It's Rachel Greene from Bloomingdale's.
I was just wondering if you? If you Ieft your wallet at the store today? We found a wallet, and we The license? That is a good idea.
Well, let's see.
This license belongs to belongs to a Mr.
Pheebs.
So sorry to bother you at home.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.
-You've done that a thousand times? -I've never done that.
I just got so nervous that he'd say no.
You gotta give him something he can't say no to, like Knicks tickets.
Invite him to a Knicks game.
You're guaranteed he'll say yes.
-Really? You think that'll work? -Absolutely.
And if not, can I go? What the heck is that? Did she call? No.
Sorry.
Maybe I should call her.
Forget her, man.
You don't need her.
He's right.
What she did was unforgivable.
Well, yeah, but, you know, what if I was wrong? How might you be wrong? What if she didn't actually sleep with the guy? Tell me she told you this.
She didn't have to tell me.
I saw the play.
There was no heat.
-Back me up.
-That's all you're basing this on? That's not backing me up! Look, you said, "With the offstage and the heat" That was just a theory.
There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out: Lone gunman, communism, geometry.
Oh, my God! "Would you like to go to a basketball game with?" "It's funny, basketball, because I happen to have tickets" "Who likes the Knick?" What do you think? Well, as a single woman, who is available I think you look great.
Oh, yeah.
You look great.
This looks great.
So you like it? I do.
I love it.
In fact, I think I'll wear it home.
-Great.
-Thank you so much for all your help.
Well, I guess this is it.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll see you in the spring for the bathing suits.
You don't want to do that now? That's okay.
I'll see you around sometime.
Basketball! Sorry? I have two tickets to the Knicks game if you're interested just as a thank-you for this week.
That would be great! -Really? -That would be fantastic! My nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic.
Thank you so much, Rachel.
Good morning.
I just wanted to come over to say that I'm sorry.
I acted like the biggest idiot in the world.
I can completely understand why you were so upset.
I really wish you'd called me.
Yeah, I know.
I wish I had too.
I think this is a good thing.
We've had our first fight, and now we can move on.
I know for me, but Nick's pants? I think our second fight is going to be a big one! -For next time, what do you say? -"l have an extra ticket.
" "An extra ticket.
" Not "two tickets.
" The first time you asked a guy out he turned you down? He didn't turn me down.
He's at the game.
I got the date.
I'm just not on it.
Okay, it's ready.
-Come on.
-What's ready? Just come.
Oh, my God! This is beautiful! Did you work for two days straight? Pretty much.
What do you think of the floor? I don't know.
Looks the same.
You used to have carpet.
Oh, yeah.
I made snacks.
Please, just hang out.
I'm just gonna rest my eyes for just a little bit.
Do you want us to come back later? No, no, no.
Stay.
Just keep talking.
I'm always the hostess.
How'd it go? -She wasn't sleeping with him.
-Good! She is now.
-What are you saying? -I'm saying that she is a devil woman.
You think you know a person, then they turn around and sleep with Nick.
Nick and his rock-hard pecs and his giant man-nipples.
I hate him.
And I hate her.
I don't hate her.
I love her.
This is all my fault.
How? How is it your fault? I should have called.
If I had called her, she never would have gone out with Nick.
They wouldn't have ended up in bed.
I threw her at his man-nipples! This is not your fault.
Your fight does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Well, if she thought they were on a break.
Rachel, one of your customers seems to have left his billfold, a Joshua Burgen.
Really? -Will you call him? -Yes, I will.
Absolutely.
Hello, Rachel.
Hi, Joshua.
-I left my wallet here on purpose.
-Really? Yes.
I just wanted to see you again.
I'm glad.
Rachel, I'd like to say something to you.
Yes? "How you doing?"