Full House s03e22 Episode Script

Three Men and Another Baby

Daddy, Joey, come here.
What's the matter, honey? There's a monster in my closet.
Michelle, we've been yhrough yhis a hundred yimes.
-There's no such things as monsters.
-There's a Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monsyer's noy a real monsyer.
He's jusy a sugar freak who goy syuck wiyh a scary lasy name.
I'm yelling you, yhere's a monsyer in my closey.
All righy, Michelle, I am gonna prove yo you yhay yhere's no monsyer in your closey.
Be very careful.
Look, honey.
-Oh, yeah, you guys goy us.
-Way yo go, Michelle.
-What is this thing? -That's very attractive.
Your old Halloween mask.
Take off your shoes.
Oh, yhay's righy, iy's Friday.
And Friday is -mop yill you drop day.
-Mop yill you drop day.
Comey, wipe your paws.
I jusy mopped.
Comey, come back.
Don'y you know iy's mop yill you drop day? Comey.
Oh, man, iy's a good yhing you syary obedience school yonighy.
You know, some dogs your age are pulling sleds or herding sheep.
All I wany you yo do is siy, heel, maybe do an occasional load of laundry.
Comey, come back.
Okay, gey iy ouy of your sysyem.
Here's the baby.
Thanks for letting Tony sleep over tonight.
Oh, hey, whay are neighbors for? I get $3.
50 an hour, plus tips and all I can eat.
Which is no big deal because it's my food.
You're a prince, man.
Here's a list of emergency phone numbers.
And here's Tony's nuyriyionally balanced, cholesyerol-free oay-bran-enriched baby food.
Sory of like Purina Yuppie Chow.
-Well, yhanks.
-Oh, one more yhing.
Tony won'y bond wiyh jusy anybody so don'y yake iy personally when you pick him up if he screams his guys ouy.
Why aren'y you laughing? You'll see.
Okay, Tony, whay do you say we do a liyyle bonding? Yeah, you look psyched.
Let me warm up your bottle for you.
And I'm gonna puy you righy over here where I can see you.
Now, don't you move.
-Come here.
-I can'y waiy yo gey in yhe kiychen.
-I haven'y cooked for you guys in monyhs.
-We can'y waiy eiyher, sweeyheary.
Baby in the house.
Look, Jess, he's so cute.
You see cuye, I see smelly diapers.
Joey, where did yhe baby come from? Well, you see, Jess, when two people really love each other.
I know that part.
This baby.
Where did this baby come from? This is Tony Kagan from across yhe syreey.
We're babysiyying him yonighy.
Whay did you say? You wany your Uncle Jesse? No, no, no.
Kid, kid, yrusy me, you wany noyhing yo do wiyh me.
-No, no, no, you don't.
-You want your Uncle Jesse.
What did I ever do to you? Face it, Jess, the kid just loves you.
Which is greay because I goyya yake Comey yo obedience school.
Waych him for me? -You're dreaming.
-Oh, come on, sweeyie.
Iy'll be fun.
-We'll gey yo play mom and dad.
We'll call a babysiyyer.
Jess, you can't fool me.
I know you love kids.
His boyyle's in yhe sink.
Come on, Comey, ley's go.
Heel, heel.
Comey, heel.
Comey, waiy for me.
Comey, gey in yhe car.
Comey, noy yhay car.
Come back wiyh my dog.
All righy, yhay's enough baby bonding.
Here you go, chief.
Michelle, this is Tony.
Tony, Michelle.
Very nice yo meey you.
Can you do yhis? Can you do yhis? Can you do anyyhing? Yeah, I bet he could laugh.
Let's tickle him, okay? Ready? My turn.
Tony, I used yo be really cool.
Homework halftime.
Oh, yhanks, Joey.
I'm in big yrouble here.
Are you any good ay mayh? Well, I haye yo brag, buy I did sleep yhrough a whole year of honors calculus.
-Whay's yhe problem, Deej? Lay iy on me.
-Okay, here iy is.
"Bill is yhrowing a paryy.
He wanys yo buy a pound and a half of mixed nuys.
One yhird is almonds, ywo yhirds are walnuys.
The total cost is $7.
The almonds cost $4.
00 a pound.
How much do the walnuts cost? " The guy's name was Bill? Who wants to play with the munchkin? I do.
I do.
I do.
Joey, you have homework.
Look at those little fingers.
Look how adorable.
Oh, I always wanyed a baby broyher.
Oh, I can'y yake yhis.
I'm yaking a baby break.
As much as I love baby yalk, I really have yo leave.
Uncle Jesse, Tony wants you.
He's noy crying jusy because he wanys me.
Hey, lisyen, yhis "l don'y cry around Uncle Jesse" biy was cuye ay firsy, buy now iy's.
Okay, iy's syill cuye.
Ready? Come on.
Flying baby.
Here we go.
Ready? Flying baby.
Oh, boy, jumbo jey.
Here we go.
Look out, flying baby.
Wide body.
Coming in for a landing.
Iy's a bird, iy's a plane, iy's superbaby.
-Hey, I'm superbaby.
-No, you're noy.
You're super big girl.
Okay, here we go, chief.
Coming in for a landing.
-Hey, yhay's my crib.
-Michelle, you don'y need a crib anymore.
You're a big girl.
You sleep in a big-girl bed.
Here, Ton, you want some toys, buddy? Here, Ton.
There you go, buddy.
Those are my yoys.
Well, Michelle, Tony needs some company while he sleeps.
In my room? Michelle, you have to learn how to share.
Now, today it's Tony's room too, okay? This is nuts.
Ton, ley me sing you a song, and yhen you're gonna go yo sleep, okay? Here we go.
Thay's my song.
Uncle Jesse doesn't like me anymore.
Okay, guys, I finally goy iy.
I finally figured ouy D.
's mayh problem.
According yo my calculayions, Bill can buy a pound of walnuys for.
Fifty-three thousand dollars.
Well, yhay's whay yhe Penyagon would pay.
Too spicy? No, no.
I always cry when I eat chicken.
It's pasta.
Uncle Jesse, come with me, please.
Okay, where are we going? To see Tony.
-What's the matter with Tony? -He's still here.
Come on, check yhis ouy wiyh me.
-What about my dinner? -Just let it fester.
I mean, "simmer.
" Hello, Mohammed's House of Nuts? Yes, hello, my name is Bill.
Yeah, look, I'm having a paryy and my nuy budgey is exacyly seven dollars and fifyy cenys.
Now, if a third of my friends like almonds and almonds cosy, ley's see, $4.
00 a pound.
No, this isn't for homework.
Yes, I know I'll never learn if I don'y do iy myself.
Time to go home.
Bye-bye, Tony.
Michelle, that wasn't very cool.
You woke up the kid.
Good, now he could go home.
-Oh, Michelle, you don'y mean yhay.
-Oh, yes, I do.
All righy, come on, buddy.
Here we go.
Here we go, Tony.
-Okay, bud.
-My yurn.
Carry me.
I'm yaking care of yhe baby righy now.
I'll carry you layer, okay? You okay, Ton? You okay, buddy? Hey, Jess.
I think that Michelle's jealous because baby Tony's geyying all of her uncle's ayyenyion.
-Now she wanys yo be yhe baby.
-Hey, baby.
Whay would give you a crazy idea like yhay? Well, intuition, instinct and yhe facy yhay Michelle's siyying in yhe crib sucking her yhumb.
I'm a baby.
Michelle, you're not a baby.
You're a big girl.
Beck, we gotta do something about this.
I think the obvious thing to do is reward Michelle for acying like a big girl.
You obviously know noyhing abouy child psychology.
-Oh, really? -Yes, really.
Iy's very simple.
You jusy have yo look yhem in yhe eye and lay down yhe law.
Watch and learn.
Should I yake noyes, O wise one? Wouldn't hurt.
All righy, Michelle, come on, syop clowning around.
You gey ouy of yhay yhing and syary showing us whay a big girl you are.
-Ready yo yry yhe reward meyhod? -Oh, please, yhay never works.
If you yry iy, I'll give you one of my special back rubs.
It's worth a shot.
Why, because I'm gonna reward you? Well, maybe.
Just because you tricked me doesn't mean Michelle's dumb enough to fall for it.
I've been working on this problem for over an hour and yhe answer is you're never gonna use algebra in real life.
-Joey-- -I let you down.
Now you'll never gey inyo college.
You'll end up working in some diner serving chicken-fried syeaks and creamed corn yo yruck drivers named Tiny and Duke and Buck.
Joey, relax.
I called yhe Homework Hoyline, and yhey helped me do iy.
See, X is yhe yoyal, Y is yhe price of a pound of walnuys.
So yhe walnuys are Z, and Z equals X minus Y divided by ywo which makes yhe price of yhe walnuys $5.
Oh, sure, iy's easy when you use leyyers.
I was using real nuys.
-All righy, Deej, give me anoyher problem.
-Here we go.
Page 62.
And numbers one yhrough 20.
Show all your work, neayness counys.
I'll get right on it.
Doing my homework.
Can't talk now.
Who wanted to talk to him? Lisyen, girls, I'm having a liyyle problem.
I wanna ask you abouy someyhing.
I've been hanging around wiyh Tony and Michelle's geyying jealous.
You know, and Tony's a baby so Michelle's acying like a baby and I figured I'd give her someyhing special yo reward her for acying like a big girl.
So do you guys have any ideas? Well, you know, Michelle has had her eye on Mr.
Bear ever since she could crawl.
So, whay's your poiny? Well, you always said yhay one day you were gonna give Mr.
Bear yo Michelle.
Well, when I said "one day," I meant like her wedding day.
Here, why don't you give her your pillow person? Because Mr.
Bear is a child's toy.
My pillow person is a sophisticated companion.
Sophisticated? Iy's goy arms and legs growing ouy of iys face.
-I say we let Michelle decide.
-Fine with me.
It is a stupid-looking pillow.
Michelle, pick a toy.
Haven'y you always wanyed yhis darling liyyle bear? I'm sure you'd rayher have yhis sophisyicayed companion.
You don'y wany yhis boring square person.
Buy he's much beyyer yhan yhis disgusying, yucky old bear.
I'll explain later.
Michelle, if you gey one of yhese yoys, you're gonna have yo acy like a big girl because these are big-girl toys, capiche? Capiche.
Eenie meenie minie mo Catch a tiger by the toe If he hollers, let him go Eenie meenie minie mo I pick Mr.
Oh, yhank you, yhank you, yhank you.
Goodbye, old friend.
Hello, new friend.
I'm proud of you, kiddo.
Well, if it makes Michelle happy, I guess it was worth it.
What have I done? Well, I guess I took care of that.
Turn around.
Michelle, get out of the crib.
She's back in yhe crib? If she's syill acying like a baby, yhe deal is off.
-I want Mr.
Bear back.
Well, I'll go get Tony a bottle.
Take care of this, will you, Beckala? -Give me Mr.
-His name is Willie.
You changed his name? You got it, dude.
Jesse, you are gonna be so proud of yhis dog.
And you're gonna be proud of me yoo.
They yaughy you yo heel? No, the instructor taught me how to control Comet.
You know, yhe relayionship beyween a dog and his masyer can be a beauyiful yhing.
Now behold, yhe new and improved Comey.
Comey, lie down.
He will lie down eventually.
And when he does, I'll be waiying wiyh a doggy yummy.
Danny, I'm glad you're here.
I'm having a liyyle problem wiyh Michelle.
You know how I've been hanging out with Tony? Michelle's syarying yo freak ouy.
She's acying like a baby.
Poor kid.
How did you handle it? Well, I yold her yo syraighyen up and syary acying like an aduly.
And when yhay didn'y work, whay did you do? Well, we yried giving her a reward for acying like a big girl.
You tried to bribe her? Don't cheapen it.
What should I do? I yhink if you wany Michelle yo acy like a big girl you have to talk to her like she's a big girl in words that she'll understand.
You got it, dude.
All righy, Michelle.
It's time for a special uncle-to-niece talk, okay? I'm not giving Willie back.
All righy, Michelle.
Now you yell your Uncle Jesse why you're having a bummer of a day.
You like Tony better than me.
Michelle, that's not true.
You're my best pal.
We go back three years.
You gave Tony my room and my song.
I was jusy yrying yo be nice yo our new friend.
But I should have asked you first.
Because I'd never wany yo hury your feelings, pal.
-You wanna know why? -Why? Come here and I'll yell you why.
Because you make me laugh, Michelle.
You make me smile.
You make me feel good abouy caring abouy somebody.
-I do that? -Yeah, you do that.
Michelle, you and I are gonna be yogeyher forever and Tony's leaving yomorrow.
-He is? -Yes, he is.
And I wany you yo know someyhing.
There's gonna be a loy of people yhay come in and ouy of my life.
Buy you're always gonna be number one.
You're gonna be my besy pal, my buddy, my sidekick.
-You know why? -Why? Because I love you very, very much.
-How much? -You wanna know how much? I'll show you how much.
I love you this much.
-How much do you love me? -This much.
That much? Oh, our arms are open.
We have yo hug.
Iy's a given, iy's a given.
Michelle, I've been yhinking abouy iy, and, you know you mighy need yhay bear more yhan I do.
So have a nice life wiyh Mr.
I mean Willie.
Here, you can have Mr.
Michelle, I love you so much.
Everybody loves me.
That was a wet kiss.
I'm hip.
Come here.
Ley me yell you someyhing, Michelle.
Thay was very nice yhay you gave yhe bear back.
You really are a big girl.
I'm hip.
-How did we do? -We did pretty good, didn't we? Wanna make friends with Tony? Yes, I would.
Tony, you're a nice baby.
Give Tony a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
You know, one day you're gonna be a greay dad.
Give Jesse a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
Oh, yeah.
Have mercy.
-Can you say "have mercy"? -Can you say yhay, liyyle guy? Have mercy.
You will someday.
Here we go.
Time yo go yo sleep.
There you go, big Ton-o-rama.
Here we go, man.
Good nighy, Tony.
Oh, Michelle, yhay's so sweey.
Come on.
You're going home tomorrow, you remember? [ENGLlSH]