Garfield and Friends (1988) s06e03 Episode Script

Jon the Barbarian/Uncle Roy to the Rescue/The Kitten and the Council

- (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield and Friends. (drumroll)
We're We're
We're ready to party, we're ready ♪
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Dancing Fiesta
Romancing Siesta
Samba La bamba
Ay caramba
Disguises Disguises
Surprises Surprises
And pies of
And pies of all sizes
Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and Friends ♪
Garfield and Friends
- Everything else you watch on TV this week
will just be anticlimactic.
(upbeat music)
(tranquil music)
- (Garfield) Sometime around the year 11 1/2,
the world was a more barren place,
one could walk for miles
and not see signs of civilized life.
It was a lot like Los Angeles,
but without the taco stands. (drum roll)
Many bedraggled travelers gathered at a small inn
where one man ruled by his sheer strength.
His name was Bork, leader of the nomadic hordes
and winner of a whole lot of push-up contests.
- Food, must have food!
- At once, sire.
- (Garfield) The lovely Mariah served everyone in the inn.
Of course, Bork was the only one who ever got any food.
- Here is more meat, sire,
and we had time to cook this batch.
- More.
Bring me more.
- (Garfield) He made it clear to all
that Mariah was his woman
and no one had better so much as look at her,
a favorite pastime of a lovesick peasant
with the unlikely name and trade of Jon the Cartoonist.
Jon would sit in the inn for hours
drawing pictures of Mariah.
Every night, he tortured himself this way,
for he knew she could never be his.
(Jon sighs)
- Sire, if you leave any,
may I give it to the stray cats who gather at our back door?
- I will leave none.
- (Garfield) Now, in this savage time,
even pussycats roamed wild.
No matter how much Bork ate,
Mariah always found some food every night
for the handsome cat.
Hey, in these barbaric times,
you do what you have to do to get fed.
- (Bork) More food, more food!
- I gave you some leftover goats' feet, kitten,
I have to go.
- Goats' feet?
What about cheeseburgers?
How about a pastrami on rye?
Would a sausage pizza hurt ya?
A couple of three-minute eggs?
I'm not eating like this.
I'm sure some wandering diner will share his meal.
- More food, more food!
- Hi, I was wondering if you could spare,
oh, a leg of lamb, or a couple of prime rib, or a--
- Get out of here!
- I'm outta here.
goats' feet, yummy.
And so every day Bork led his men into battle,
Mariah could only prepare for his inevitable return.
- Mariah--
- It is for your own good
if we are not seen together, cartoonist,
if someone told Bork--
- Let them tell him,
I would risk everything for you, Mariah.
- You risk everything by just talking to me, my dear Jon.
- I have drawn these cartoons of us
in eternal happiness together.
- Oh, I'm sure they are splendid,
but I could not bear to see a future that can never be.
- But the cat saw distinct dining possibilities
if he could get this Bork dude outta circulation.
He followed the cartoonist home
to his squalid little dwelling,
and somehow managed to convey to him the idea that he,
the cat, could help.
- You can get Mariah for me, cat?
What do I need to do?
I have to become heroic and strong?
- This may take a while,
like until half-past the Renaissance.
There seemed to be only one way to make a man out of him,
given the rather limited parts catalog.
- Sign me up as a warrior barbarian in the King's Army.
(spits drink)
Go ahead, laugh, doesn't bother me one bit.
Uh, oh, okay, that's enough.
You can stop now, fine.
I think you've made your point.
- (Garfield) He enlisted for training as a warrior
and was the Army's 28th choice for service.
Number 27, by the way, was a cocker spaniel.
- Good, good,
very good.
I have to go make up some more surrender flags,
I have a feeling we're going to need them.
- (Garfield) The cartoonist took
all your basic barbarian courses,
Beginning Archery.
- A perfect shot.
Of course, he can only do it once.
- Even Swordplay 101.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- (Garfield) But it was no use,
he was drummed out of the barbarian corps.
- I'll never be a strong warrior,
I'll never defeat Bork
and win the hand and heart of the lovely Mariah.
- But the cat had a plan B,
"Leave it to me," he told the skinny cartoonist.
Bork was already at the inn
making his usual, polite dinner request.
- More food, more food!
(chuckles) You are my woman, Mariah,
more food! (belches)
- Yoo-hoo, anybody home?
I thought you might get a giggle outta these,
your gluttonship.
(Bork groans)
- What's that you showed him?
It couldn't be, you wouldn't.
(Bork growls)
Help! Help!
- Oh, my poor Jon, he will be slain.
- Not if my plan works, lady,
keep Bork's dinner warm for me.
- Stop, don't hurt me, help!
(Bork growls)
- That way.
- I don't know why I listen to you.
- Where is he, where is he?
- Yoo-hoo, right this way, right in here, in the cave.
- There you are, take this,
and this, and this, and this, (dragon growls) and
(Bork screams)
Help! Help!
- No one ever saw Bork or the dragon again.
Jon the Cartoonist was eternally grateful
for what the cat had done.
Jon and Mariah got married,
and they took over running the inn together.
They were very happy, most of the time.
More food, more food!
- Maybe if we turn this place into a sushi bar?
(upbeat music)
(Garfield snores)
(water drips)
- Huh? What's that drip, drip noise? (upbeat music)
It's not the sink.
Oh, I know what it is.
There, (Odie pants) much better.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music) - Mail call, guys.
Wade, you got a free sample of soap.
- (gasps) A free sample of soap?
Help, help, free sample of soap, oh, help!
Soap for free, oh, help!
(Roy laughs)
- What a coward, what a craven creature,
what a highly-comedic water fowl. (laughs)
- And Roy, you got a postcard,
your niece Chloe is coming to visit.
- My niece is coming to visit?
- Roy.
- Help, help, niece coming to visit!
Help, niece coming to visit, help, severe niece alert!
- (Wade) Copycat. (upbeat music)
- Roy, what's wrong with seeing your niece?
- What's wrong is that I am the handsomest,
most eligible rooster in the barnyard.
- Roy, you're the only rooster in the barnyard.
- Yes, I've driven off all the competition.
Anywho, having a kid around cramps my style.
- (sighs) My, but it was cramped in that trashcan.
- You're not kiddin', fella.
- Oh, you're the w-w-we--
- Weasel.
(Wade stutters)
- (Announcer) 10 minutes later.
(Wade stutters)
- Weasel.
- You're the (stutters) weasel,
you are not gonna get by with your weaselly ways, weasel!
I shall alert everyone to beware of you, weasel, watch!
(Wade crashes into tree)
- Well, apart from that tree, not a bad exit.
Now I think I'll go find me
the tastiest chicken in the yard.
You may boo me now.
(audience boos)
(upbeat music)
- Hello, have you seen my Uncle Roy?
- Huh?
Oh, uh, yeah, you must be Chloe?
- Uh-huh, where's my Uncle Roy?
- Ah, eh, ah, well, he
Ah, what am I gonna tell her, what am I gonna tell her?
He had to go someplace.
That's it, he had to go someplace,
and he asked me to keep an eye on you.
- Uh-huh, he probably had a date.
- I gotta find the youngest,
tastiest-lookin' chicken on the farm.
we have a winner.
You may resume.
(audience boos)
- Do you hear somebody
Oh, nevermind.
- (chuckles) Oh, Natalie, you lucky hen you,
which of the many Roys will be yours tonight?
Bonsoir, my little croissant,
tell me, mademoiselle, where are you from?
Oh, are you Cornish?
(chuckles) Well, does that mean you are game?
(laughs) Wait a minute,
if I had a shred of dignity within my body,
the slightest compassion,
I would forget all about my date with Natalie
and devote my every waking hour
to my lovely and deserving niece, Chloe.
Yes, that's what I'd do
if I had even the smallest shred of dignity.
Yep, that's what I'd do alright.
Okay, on with the date.
- Cinderella?
- Heard it.
- Uh, Sleeping Beauty?
- Heard it.
- Maybe I have some games.
- Thank you very much,
but you don't have to entertain me.
I just have to accept the fact
that my Uncle Roy has things he'd rather do
than be with his niece.
- Eh, well, I'm afraid it isn't
a particularly out-of- the-ordinary night here,
except that I keep hearing someone booing. (audience boos)
- You look magnificent tonight, my dear,
the way the light gently caresses your beak.
- Oh, Roy. (laughs)
- You are like a well-fluffed pillow,
feathers in all the right places.
- Oh, Roy. (laughs)
How do you think of such sweet things to say?
- I just look to my heart.
Change the card, stupid.
And my heart tells me what to say.
- Oh, Roy, you are so wonderful.
- Oh, I respect you too much to disagree with you, Natalie.
- Your Uncle Roy isn't a bad guy, Chloe.
- Then why isn't he here?
- Uh, well, you know,
there's a very good
explanation for that, uh
Well, nevermind why he isn't here, why aren't you here?
Weasel tracks? Oh no!
Oh, Roy, where are you when you're needed?
- Roy, that dinner must've been so expensive.
- Tut-tut, my dear, mere chickenfeed.
- Really? With all we ate?
- All we ordered was chickenfeed.
- Oh, Roy, you would be the perfect man if--
- If what?
- Oh, nevermind.
- If what?
I distinctly heard an if there.
- If, if you could take care of children.
I think it's so important for a man
to know how to take care of children.
- I can take care of children, I have a children,
wait here, I'll go get her, you'll see.
(intense music) - Roy's the only one
who knows his way around this part of the forest.
- Wow, I found a use for the kid after all.
Wade, what are you doing out here?
- That tree leaped right out in front of me
when I was trying to escape the weasel-type creature.
- The weasel, as in boo, the weasel?
That weasel?
- Uno and the same-o.
- The weasel may be after Chloe, bye. (intense music)
(Roy and Orson crash into each other)
Alright, you weasel, where's my Chloe?
Oh, it's you.
- It's me, but the weasel has Chloe.
- What are we waiting for?
I know every weasel hiding place in this forest, Ors,
he won't get away from me!
- Struggle all you want, chicken,
you ain't getting away from me. (audience boos)
And after I polish off the chick, you're next.
- There he is.
- This calls for a brilliant scheme.
- No, Orson, this calls for an act of blatant stupidity.
- Hiya!
(Weasel and Orson fight)
- Hey, take it easy, come on, give me a break!
Where'd you learn to (Weasel and Roy fight)
Let me outta here!
- Don't stop til you reach the equator, weasel!
- Who is that man chasing the weasel?
- That, Chloe, is your Uncle Roy.
- That weasel won't be back til season after next.
- Uncle Roy, you did it,
you saved me from the big, bad weasel!
You're my hero, Uncle Roy.
- Nice going, Roy, but what about your date?
- Natalie, I left her back outside the restaurant, bye.
- Bye, Uncle Roy.
- Uh, Chloe, would you like to be my date for this evening?
I know a great place for ice cream.
- Really?
- And we can watch some weasel wrestling on TV or something.
- (Chloe) Anything you say, Uncle Roy. (laughs)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(Garfield snores)
- Oh, Nermal,
wanna help me change the blankets in Garfield's bed?
- Sure!
- Okay, in three, two, one.
- Hi, Garfield! (Garfield screams)
- Thank you, Nermal.
- My pleasure! (upbeat music)
(sniffs blanket)
- Hey, no more sausage pizza smell,
I was having such good dreams too.
- That's the only way to get Garfield out of his bed
long enough to change the linens.
- Gee, Jon's got everything so springtime fresh.
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it!
- You'll get it.
- Yes?
- Nermal Cat?
- That's me!
- Letter for you, bye.
- Bye.
(upbeat music)
- (gasps) I got a letter, Garfield!
Oh, probably another letter from one of my many admirers.
"Dear Nermal Cat, you are hereby (dramatic music)
"ordered to appear tomorrow morning
"before the Kitty Council."
Kitty Council?
- Kitty Council?
- What does this mean, Garfield?
- It means you're toast, Nermal,
you're through, you're history, you're over and done with.
- But, but, Garfield, this isn't funny.
- For you, it isn't funny, for me, it's hysterical.
(Garfield hums)
- Ooh, what will the Kitty Council do to me?
(dramatic music)
(Nermal sobs)
I'm doomed, I'm, I'm doomed, I'm toast, I'm more than toast!
- Oh, hello, Nermal. (Nermal screams)
Don't forget your appointment tomorrow morning. (chuckles)
(upbeat music)
- Might as well get it over with.
(Odie pants)
- Huh?
Oh, it's you, muttski, you interrupted a wonderful dream,
it was all about a world without Nermal.
(gasps) Nermal, uh, I forgot to set my alarm,
I wanted to go see him get his. (Odie speaks)
Help him?
You expect me to go help Nermal? (Odie speaks)
It doesn't feel like you've got a fever.
I don't wanna help Nermal,
I just wanna see what the Kitty Council's (Odie barks)
gonna do to him.
(dramatic music)
- Hello?
- (Cat) Nermal Cat?
- Yes, I am Nermal Cat, why was I summoned here?
- We will ask the questions.
- Sorry.
- Nermal Cat,
you are charged with a violation of article six,
paragraph eight of the feline code,
being too darned cute.
- (sighs) Guilty as charged.
- Stop the trial!
- Garfield, you've come to defend me!
- No, to make sure you lose.
Yoo-hoo up there, whatever you think he did,
he did, in spades.
- Garfield Cat, is that you?
- In person, and all set to testify, let's go.
I already put myself under oath, what do I have to say?
What's he charged with?
- He's charged with being too darned cute.
- A felony, and an accurate one too.
- And this, this cute kitten is pleading guilty
to being too darn cute.
- Pleading guilty?
You never let me have any fun.
- They've got me dead to rights.
- Well, I guess I can live with that.
Sorry for barging in like that, bye.
- See you later, Garfield.
- No, you won't.
Let's go home and celebrate, Odie,
we won't have Nermal to kick around anymore.
- Nermal Cat,
you have been found guilty of being too darned cute.
- That's me.
- For our records,
have you ever committed any of these named offenses
that demean the name of cat:
played with a ball of string?
- Guilty.
- Chased your own tail?
- Guilty.
- Batted at a fly as it flitted about the room?
- Guilty.
- And finally, and believe me,
this pains me as much as it does you,
laid on your back and encouraged people to rub your tummy?
- (sobs) I did it, I did all those things,
I even chased crumpled-up
balls of paper across the room! (sobs)
- Why do you do these things, Nermal?
- Come on outside, I'll show you.
(intense music)
- Where are you taking us, Nermal?
- The reason I do so many cute things is,
is, well, when I do, this is what happens.
(upbeat music)
(car slams on brakes)
- (Woman) (chuckles) Oh, Travis, look at that cute kitten.
- (Travis) (chuckles) That is the cutest kitten
I have ever seen. (chuckles)
- (Woman) Here, cute kitten,
have a six-course prime rib dinner
with mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots, and dessert.
- (Travis) And, (chuckles) well, here's about $600 in cash,
just for being so darn cute.
(car slams on brakes)
- (Man) Look at that cute kitten.
Aren't you the most precious little kitty in the world?
Yes, you is,
here's a T bill (cash register dings) for 1,000 bucks.
- Come on, Odester, Nermal's trial should be done about now.
(Odie groans)
I'll bet they gave him 99 years
for impersonating a real cat.
You know, I'm gonna miss Nermal. (Odie speaks)
No, not really, I just thought I'd say that to sound noble,
but it's not true,
I'm glad the Kitty Council's throwing the book at him,
they'll really give it to him, (chuckles)
they'll show him, they'll
- No, no, you have to pull your paws in,
roll more on your back.
No, no, no,
you'll never get your tummy rubbed like that, George.
No, people, people, you have to make bigger eyes,
then tuck your chin down like that,
and pout more, pout more.
- Nermal, you're terrific.
From now on, we want all cats to be like you.
- Huh? (upbeat music)
- Odie, would you do me a favor? (Odie speaks)
Take me to where I can apply to be a dog,
I've decided to become a cocker spaniel.
(upbeat music)
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