Ghosts (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Now, that brings me neatly
to point 16.
There is still a great deal
of noise going on at night,
laughing, giggling, horseplay.
Now, we all get bored.
That's inevitable
But may I remind you,
we are at war.
I wo
Ah. Lieutenant!
Communique for you, sir,
from HQ, marked urgent.
Ah. Finally!
This'll be my requisition
-Good God!
-Sir?
France has surrendered.
-My God!
-
The Germans are coming!
I don't think
they'll be here
What? Right.
May I suggest we initiate
the emergency
Yes!
Yes, jolly good.
No, it's vital that nothing
fall into enemy hands.
-You heard the CO.
Get to your duties.
Er Exciting times, Havers.
If they do invade,
we may get
Yes!
About that, sir
I know we do
vital work here, sir
but I want to get involved
in the fighting.
I've put in for a transfer.
You're leaving?
There's talk of
a North Africa front.
Yes.
Yes, well,
I totally understand,
Carry on.
Thank you.
PAT: And seeing as nobody else
has volunteered, I thought
that this evening,
before Film Club, I would
activity badges!
-So
ALL: There are 37 badges
that you can collect.
-Badge number one, bivouacking!
-PAT: All right!
Clever dicks.
But I'm sorry, I mean,
if anyone else has anything new
-that they'd like to
-Ooh, ooh, I could do my talk
on how to skin a mammoth.
You start at the end
-That's not new!
-That's not strictly new, is it?
I think I'm ready to talk
about the witch trial.
Witch trial
If If it be of interest.
PAT: Oh!
Oh, Mary!
I mean, if you're sure.
-I mean, if you feel like
you're ready.
it's taken me a whiles to talk.
Only about 300 years.
But, yeah, I think I'm ready.
Brillo pads.
You okay?
Can't flipping wait!
And we'll do that
before Film Club.
Before. Okay.
-And how many rooms do you have?
-Well, I think there's, like
Natural light! So that's a
-Ooh! Period stairs
clearly.
Interesting space.
Sort of
rustic.
Colonial!
Quite a niche market,
wedding-wise.
I heard Isabelle
from Belle's Weddings passed
-Ah, no, I was sick near her.
-Mmm.
Some went on her.
A little bit.
Can I be honest with you?
I don't like it.
I love it!
It is a little shabby
but with a bit of zhuzhing up,
this could really suit
-the right couple.
-And do you happen to have
who are interested, like
-BOTH: Soon?
-There is one.
Clare. I'm showing her
some other places today.
She wants to book in ASAP.
-Shotgun wedding!
-Ah
I'm kidding.
I think this
could work for them.
Piano, tick!
Open fireplace, tick!
Canape room, tick.
Mood painting of
creepy old lady, tick.
Kitchen, tick.
Perfectly placed
to allow you to flow
right through this corridor,
straight into your garden
at the back, where you can
right here!
Oh, no!
Er, yeah.
We can't show people this!
There's rough around the edges,
and then there's a bombsite.
We haven't quite got round
to clearing it yet. But we will.
By this afternoon?
-When?
-What?
I was going to bring Clare round
after showing her
but I can't show her this!
You have to make space
for this sort of marquee
if you want to host
weddings here.
Without it,
you've no catering flow.
No flow, no go.
-Yeah
-Guys,
you've got to get it
wedding ready.
-We'll clear it.
-We will?
Is what I wanted to hear!
Let's make this happen.
I'll delay Clare
as long as I can. Say
4:00? Ciao-ciao!
MIKE: Five hours?
Loads of time.
PAT: So, Film Club!
Now, I know it's not my turn
I would like to lobby hard
for Top Gun.
Not again!
I don't know about you, Mary,
but, I quite like the look of
ooh, Chariots Of Fire?
No. Actually, er, how about
Mississippi Burning?
Towering Inferno?
-Hmm!
-Huh!
-Maybe she is ready.
-Could be the case.
Anyway, it's my turn
to choose this week,
-so tish-tish-tish
-I don't think so, mate!
Faradiddle, sir!
You had your turn two weeks ago.
You swapped with me.
No, no, I don't recall to that.
And even if I did,
-it would have been a verbal,
non-binding agreement.
I would show you my glove, sir!
If I had one.
I would give you
a bunch of fives, mate.
I used to box for Cambridge,
you know!
Go! Let's go!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
S'il vous plait!
-French.
-Ooh!
Why don't we put it to the vote?
Oh, yeah, put it to the people,
like they know
Hands up who thinks
it's Thomas's turn.
I've got my hand up.
Probably. Somewhere.
Ra-da-da-da-da!
Hang on, not everyone's here.
Well, where are they?
Oh!
Hmm! Ooh!
ALISON: Oh my God.
Oh, Martin's right.
We're never going to be
Well, let's get redding-we
redding-ready. Er, wed
-Oh, no.
-Ready
-Alison, if you please,
that it's his turn
to choose Film Club,
Please, everyone,
we're having a bit
This is a crisis. You know?
I mean, it might not be
-but this is very
-Guys, guys, guys, guys
Shut up! Good.
Let her speak.
It's all right,
We're trying to get
this wedding booking.
Oh, there's going to be
a wedding?
How wonderful!
The dresses, the men,
the kissing
But we need to clear
this whole garden by four!
-MIKE AND PAT: Hang on a minute.
-Ooh, jinx.
-You go first, Michael.
-We can do it.
If we clear that Hmm
And then we move this
And I'll help, too.
-How, Pat?
-I could be your wingman!
You know, like in Top Gun.
I can be Goose
to your Maverick. Yeah.
I keep this lot occupied
while you do
And Goose dies in the film,
so, y'know it works out,
Thanks, Pat.
Yeah. Course we can fit
a marquee in.
I mean, how hard can it be?
They put a man on the moon.
What? What? What he say?
-Er
-Man on moonah?
Okay, I'll go get the tools.
You check the measurements.
-Let's get redding red
-Wedding ready.
-Redding
-Wedding ready.
-Let's get wedderi
-It's wedding ready.
Let's do this!
-Yesss!
-MARY: Alison?
What was the man doing
up there on the moon?
They went to explore.
-Oh!
-THOMAS: And how did
Climb up a beanstalk, did he?
You're dicked in the knob.
-Wha
-ROBIN: I don't believe it.
-No. No.
-There's no way it could happen!
Pat, now would be
a really good moment
Great! Okay, everyone,
let's turn and burn.
-Oh, sorry, Mary.
-
It's a quote from Top Gun.
Let's grab the computer
that folds.
FANNY: Oh, goodness me!
Ooh! Oh!
But he's such a
a ruffian!
Oh!
Oh!
FANNY: Mmm!
PAT: Think about it, Robin.
Man has always looked up
at the moon and thought
"Can you eat it?"
No, "Can you walk on it?"
Press play.
In 1969,
the world watched in wonder
as three brave astronauts
took off from Cape Canaveral.
-Their destination, the moon.
-ROBIN: Ooh!
PAT: It was an amazing moment.
Everyone remembers
where they were.
I was with Carole,
at her parents'.
Fish and chips for tea.
It was the first time
I ever tried a battered
Never looked back!
JULIAN: I missed
the whole thing. I was still
Busy having my own
"moon landing."
If you know what I mean!
My first threeso
-Moonah!
-CAPTAIN: Ah, there you are.
What's going on here?
Oh! I'm, helping Alison. Yes,
keeping this lot busy
while she and Mike
Which garden?
How are you getting on?
It's going to be a squeeze.
First, we have to clear
CAPTAIN: No! No.
Belay that order, Michael.
You can't dig there.
Wait. Sorry, one second, Mike.
Didn't you tell them we're busy?
-Most of them
are watching YouTube.
Why can't we dig there?
Because that's
a very special part
That was where
our allotment was,
Okay, it's fine, Mike,
you can just keep digging.
But, no, it's where
we buried our pets.
Er my dog is buried there,
right there. And he was
very special to me. Barry.
Barry?
Barry.
Wait, Mike.
So, sorry, you had a dog
called Barry?
Mmm.
Okay. Mike,
you can just carry on.
No, thank you, Michael!
-Ohh! Ohhh!
-Oh, that was a deep one.
Call him off!
Call him off, I tell you.
Okay, just one second, Mike.
When I was at Button House,
there was a war on.
I don't think
that's ever come up before.
There is something
buried down there
Captain, the war is over.
Is it, Alison? Is it?
Yes, it is.
Please.
Don't dig.
There is something down there
that is potentially explosive
if it gets out.
Er
Mike, do you think
we could clear the other side?
Just the other side, Michael.
Looks like a lot of work.
-Sorry. It's a ghost thing.
-Well
Yep.
-Come!
Ah! Havers.
At ease, at ease.
I was just thinking about you,
-How's the emergency
lockdown coming?
-Most items have been
squared away, as per the order.
-I see
-I've come to tell you that
Sorry, you first, Lieutenant.
I'm afraid I'm leaving you, sir.
At 1800 hours this evening.
So soon?
That would explain
your new service revolver.
I don't suppose
they sent one for me, did they?
Only for frontline personnel
at this stage, sir.
Of course. Yes.
It's North Africa, sir.
I'll be able to have
a proper swing at Fritz!
You make sure you give them
a bloody nose!
I shall miss you, Havers.
By which I mean, of course,
that we shall miss you.
And I know the Button House XI
will certainly miss
Thank you, sir.
Well, if that's all
Yes.
I say, Havers?
It's a bally shame
we won't get to finish
which leads to the question,
where next?
Mars, or even the outer edge
of our solar system?
Only time will tell.
Well, I never.
-Anyway, Film Club.
-Yes! Now,
I was thinking 9½ Weeks.
-Over my already dead body, sir!
-Fine by me!
Guys, guys, look,
why don't we settle this
Quite right.
Let's settle this like men.
Would you care
to step outside, sir?
Yes, I would, sir.
Indeed, sir.
Guys, you don't have to do
Where are you going?
I promised Alison
Okay,
the moon landings.
but what if that's just what
they wanted you to believe?
Oh!
Right, you both know the rules,
so we're agreed.
Let's sort this
once and for all.
On three.
One, two,
three
-What's that supposed to be?
-Pistol.
-Thomas
-I always choose pistol.
Oh, yeah, it really worked out
for you last time,
There were circumstances
around my death,
It's rock, paper, scissors,
Thomas. I thought I told you.
No, it's all right,
let's play it his way.
One, two, three
-What's this now?
-AK-47 assault rifle.
Sold 50 crates of these bad boys
to the Libyans in '83.
Paid for my orangery!
You can have one of these,
-Well, you don't get
two weapons!
And this. Pshhhhh!
You're on fire, mate. Agh!
-Sorry, Mary.
-Well, no, actually, because
Sorry!
-Agh! I'm melting!
-Can't feel it.
What should we do with all this?
Maybe just pile it up over there
and then
I think we might just do this.
See? Told you!
Redding red
Redditch
-We got this.
-Mmm.
Oh, great
How are we going to move that?
I think we might have to
break it up
-with a big hammer or something.
-What?
We can't do that! Can we?
-I wanna.
-Florence!
Oh Wait.
I can already tell
this isn't good news.
Who's Florence, Kitty?
She was one of my best friends.
I used to play hide-and-seek
in the garden
with my sister,
and I was so good at hiding
that often she couldn't find me
for a whole day and night!
I once got so hungry
I had to eat a bit of my purse.
Florence kept me company.
Oh, so you made a statue of her?
-No, she is a statue.
-Eh?
THOMAS: That's enough.
We'll sort this out right now.
-PAT: Guys!
-Oh, I'd forgotten
Zoinks!
Where've you been hiding?
Guys, she's a statue!
Pat, you were supposed to be
-keeping everyone occupied.
-Yeah
It's like herding cats!
I'm sorry, Alison.
I'm a terrible wingman.
Well, can you at least
sort out these two?
Yes.
Oh! Hang on!
Guys? I think I've had an idea.
Follow me.
Let's turn and burn! Again.
So, are we smashing this up,
or what?
All right, one sec, Mike.
No, Kitty, please.
Oh, please stop, please.
We won't
We're just going to, er
We could move her.
It's a deal.
As long as you play
Ah.
-So we're moving her?
-Yeah. Sorry.
I think you might be an expert
-at this game.
-I'm very good at it, yes.
-Okay. Well, you hide first.
-Ooh!
Ooh-hoo One,
-two
-You'll never find me, Alison!
three
Okay.
Sorry.
and that's why
at the grassy knoll.
I mean, look at those angles.
WOMAN: because Elvis Presley
did not die that day
MAN 2: That's how we know
the British monarchy
was replaced by lizards.
No, it's fine.
I have to say,
Game on!
See what you've got.
-Julian, serve!
-Bring it!
Fie!
Whoaaaaa!
Yeah!
Whoa!
Hello, Alison.
Oh!
Ohhh! You found me!
-Oh, I found
-Oh, you're playing, too!
I don't know Yes!
No one has ever
found me before, ever!
-You're so good at this.
-Thank you.
Right, your turn to hide.
I'll count, you hide,
and I'll seek.
-Okay.
-One
-Oh, it's numbers!
-Two
-Oh, no, it's numbers!
-Three
Oh!
Ooh! Oh!
-CAPTAIN: Fanny! Fanny!
-Oh!
-Oh, Captain!
-Fanny, are you quite all right?
No. No, I found myself having
a, er
a conniption fit.
-Good Lord!
-I have become
attracted to someone.
Well, Fanny, I, er
I'm very flattered,
but I've got a lot of problems
-of my own at the moment
-Oh, good heavens, no!
-No?
-Not you!
-No, no, no. Never you!
-No, silly.
No, I cannot say who.
But I know not what to do.
Now, steady, Fanny,
steady the Buffs.
Now, look here,
nothing good will come of it.
You must take that emotion
and you must bury it.
Never let it out.
No more, Fanny, no more.
Wha
Ooh! Oh!
Any luck?
Just can't move
-It's pointless!
MIKE: That was my favourite toe!
ALISON: You have
a favourite toe?
MIKE: Don't you have
a favourite toe?
ALISON: Oh, I'd not really
thought about it, Mike.
No, no, not fair.
The head was out.
THOMAS: What!
Tell them, Humphrey.
Oh, don't ask me.
I'm just happy to be part of
-Right, well,
-as the judge here
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's listen to the judge.
-Let's listen to the man.
-What?
Lone gunman? Do me favour!
And Paul McCartney died in 1966.
I know it.
Don't even get me started
on the so-called
-HUMPHREY: Whooo!
-Sorry!
-Oh, don't worry.
It's actually quite a nice view.
-I have found you!
-Ohhh!
-That was wonderful!
-Now, erm, you hide
-Yes. No peeking!
-No, no peeking.
-One
Two
Three
-Four
-Oh, I'm so done with this.
No. No.
-You know what?
-MARY: Fourteen
We've cleared loads.
I'll get rid of the garden waste
and we'll make the best of it.
Huh?
-Yeah.
-Alison!
-There is something
It is a matter of
moral rectitude,
-ROBIN: Open your eyes!
-Next, you'll be telling me
-gravity doesn't exist!
-Well, you can't see it.
-How do you know?
-Alison,
could you explain to Robin
that the moon landings
The moon landings!
-You cannot be serious.
-MARY: Ninety-six,
ninety-seven,
ninety-eight,
ninety-nine.
One hundred!
Oh. Ah
What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
Alison! Get away from there!
Get down!
Get right out of the way.
It's a bomb!
Mike, Mike, get back!
Just get back!
Go!
Get down!
FANNY: Captain?
-Oh.
-
Yeah, maybe you right
about gravity.
Now, I realise that was
an utterly futile gesture,
but I was very much caught up
in the moment.
Wh What the hell was that?
I was very clear, Alison.
What? I didn't think you meant
literally explosive!
-it was scandalous.
-No!
It was a prototype limpet mine.
It was so secret,
that only I knew about it.
And my second-in-command,
Lieutenant Havers, but
he left me.
I mean, he left for the front.
So, er, I had to bury it
on my own,
Operation William,
it was called.
-Oh, that's Martin.
-That was a ghost thing?
-Yeah.
Maybe next time,
tell me if there's a bomb!
I didn't know!
Okay,
I'll stall Clare and Martin
in the house and you just
Oh, you just do what you can.
Yeah. Actually,
a very clever little device,
a cunning timing mechanism
in the housing
allowed the frogmen
Anyway
They've gone, haven't they?
-Good!
-Go on.
Ah, Robin.
Now, so, they had four suckers.
-Suckers.
-And they attached
underneath the waterline,
blew a hole in the boat,
and then, of course,
the boat sank.
and this is the main
common room.
Again.
-And we thought
-It is really nice,
Did you want to see the library?
-Again?
-I'd really love to see
Now
Clare, I need you
to keep an open mind.
We know that
the rest of the house
and we are working on
the garden, believe me.
Erm
Redding weddy!
I love it!
Great!
PAT: Okay,
so, really exciting
presentation tonight, guys.
As promised,
Mary is going to be giving
No, sorry, no!
I've had, a
a bit of a setback.
Okay. Okay, yeah,
that's understandable, isn't it,
-Sorry.
-Yes. So, now, seeing as
we technically
didn't finish the match,
I'm calling the volleyball game
a draw.
-What? Are you on drugs?
-No! I was ahead!
That's enough.
That's absolutely enough.
Now, since we can't
resolve this,
I've decided that
I'm going to choose
Is it Love Actually?
I love Love Actually, actually.
-9½ Weeks.
-The Notebook.
Please don't shout out, okay?
The film I've chosen
has something for everyone.
Drama, visual poetry
It's got some of
your lot in it, Robin.
-Ooh!
-And some pretty ladies
Yeah!
It is, of course
2001: A Space Odyssey.
Thanks, Pat.
You can be my wingman any time.
Bullshit, you can be mine.
It's from Top Gun.
ALISON: Just here.
Ooh,
that's got a kick to it, that.
-Okay.
-Mmm. Mmm!
What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
Oh! No, just a passing fancy
is all, Alison.
-Kitty, I'm sorry
about Florence.
I wasn't really
that fond of her, anyway.
You're a much better best friend
than she was.
Thanks, Kitty.
Wait. No, that not right.
-What?
-Earth not round. It flat.
-You what?
-It flat.
-To our first wedding booking!
-Cheers.
Here's to buried secrets.