Grantchester (2014) s09e03 Episode Script

Series 9, Episode 3

WILL: I'm leaving.
I took the job.
You're not giving a damn
about those of us left behind.

Oh, God! We'd have
killed each other
before we made it
down the aisle.
and be brilliant.
WILL: I will cherish the
friendships I've made here
for the rest of my life.
I hope I made you proud.
Every day, son.

(thunder claps)

("Blue Memories" by
Jerry Fuller playing)
Blue memories ♪
(group vocalizing)
That's what you left me ♪
(group vocalizing)
Things that we used to do ♪
Are keeping me blue ♪
And alone ♪
(group vocalizing)
Blue memories ♪
(car roars past)
(group vocalizing)
That's what you left me ♪
(group vocalizing)
Your one tender touch ♪
I miss so much ♪
Since you've gone ♪
(engine revving)
(group vocalizing)
I keep living ♪
Living ♪
In the past ♪
In the past ♪
That should have died ♪
A long time ago ♪
Blue memories ♪
(group vocalizing)
That's what you left me ♪
(group vocalizing)
(car door slams) ♪
Darling, why did you go? ♪
You know I'll
always love you so ♪
(group vocalizing)
LEONARD (voiceover): "And then
my heart with pleasure fills
and dances with
the daffodils."
Gets you all of a
quiver, doesn't it?
Speak for yourself.
I know you're a
man who doesn't
Enjoy poetry with his pint?
Open his heart easily.
And losing Will, as we did
He's five hours up the
A1, not six foot under.
And if you ever want
to talk about him,
or the aching hole in
your heart, I'm here.
I'm fine, Leonard.
There is a gentleman
breaking into the vicarage!
A swarthy gentleman!
(gulping, gasping)
No, stay here.
You'll need backup.
me. I'm all of a quiver!
Everyone's at it today.
(door creaks)
Guard the door.
It would be my honor, Boss.

(distant footsteps)

(objects clattering)
Gotcha ooh!
Bloody hellfire.
That's it, I'm
calling the police.
I am the police.
Detective Geordie Keating.
You're under arrest.
For what?
Punching a policeman.
Breaking and entering. Theft.
And what am I supposed
to have stolen?
Well, that for
starters. That's mine.
Oh, pull the other
one. What's your name?
It's my radio.
I'm not giving you my name.
Right. That's it.
That's my radio
and it's my house.
If this was your house,
that would make you
Oh, God.
Not quite but, you
know, on speaking terms.
You're the new vicar.
I'm the new vicar.
Apologies for the
For the assault?
Someone reported
me, didn't they?
What did they say?
Just that they'd
seen a gentleman
trying to enter the property.
Any particular
kind of gentleman?
Nope. Nope. Nope.
I'll leave you to settle in.
Oh, that's very generous of you,
thank you very much.
Oh, er, just so you know,
the stove's a bit temperamental.
You need to give the
door a good shove.
Mm, yeah.
You sure you're a policeman?
Pretty sure.
(footsteps retreating)
Did you get him? Did you
punch his lights out?
Reverend Alphy Kottaram.
Oh. Oh.
Pleasure to meet you, Mrs
Chapman. Sylvia.
Not me.
She's Sylvia. I'm Finch.
Leonard. Leonard of
the House of Finch.
I would invite you
in for a cup of tea
but unfortunately all my
cups are broken, so
Well, if you ever
need anything
Oh, you'll be the
first person I call.
(door opens)

CATHY: What's he like?
I don't know.
Is he old? Young?
Tall, short?
He is not from these climes.
He is
(whispering): Indian.
Why are you whispering?
A foreigner.
It's unsettling.
Is he handsome?
Is he?
GEORDIE: He's got a good
right hook on him,
that's all I know.
Maybe now you can stop pining.
I'm not pining.
I'm not!
You need a friend, Dad.
He needs a vicar.
I don't need a vicar!
Uh, no! Absolutely not.
You are not leaving
the house like that.
Tell her, Mrs. C.
Lipstick is a mortal sin,
and vanity is the food of fools.
Mmm. Mmm.
CATHY: Good job, Silvia.
As if I've been pining.


"Ye who turn
judgment to wormwood,
and leave off righteousness
in the earth."

(birds chirping)
you do know you're trespassing.
Whose land is it?
Mine. Well, my family's.
Going back to Henry
VIII, apparently.
Rather generous chap, all told.
Beheadings aside.
Vicar. Oh.
I've heard all about you.
News travels fast.
Nothing stays secret
here for long.
Rachel Baron.
As in Albert Baron?
My father.
I'm so sorry, I've just been
reading through the paperwork.
Must've been an awful shock.
He was a terrible curmudgeon.
Made Henry VIII look
positively jovial.
There were no notes
on the service.
I can make it more
personal if you like?
No, we don't need any of that.
I toyed with leaving
him out on bin day,
but my brother objected.
(chuckles) Yeah,
I can see why. Mm.
Well. I should
get ready, I suppose.
See you soon.
Clothes on?
It's pretty much frowned
upon to take a service
any other way.
More's the pity.

(organ playing,
church bells ringing)
You're the new one, are you?
My brother, Harvey.
Some well-meaning missionary
got their hands
on you, did they?
I'm sorry?
You're a convert,
I imagine. Christian.
Born and bred.
Will wonders never cease?
(church bells ringing)
(voiceover): In the name of the
Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be
world without end.
How about we close our
eyes and take a moment
to reflect on happier times.
Memories of your dad,
when you were younger.
A time when he was
filled with laughter.
And life.
When he smiled a
little easier
ALPHY: That is enough!
Do that again, son,
and I won't be responsible
for my actions.
I am not your son!
Let's go, Dad.
See you in hell,
you old bastard.
HARVEY: Admit what you did.
Admit it!
Your father took his own life!
I wish for your sakes he hadn't.
I'm so sorry, we just
wanted to pay our respects.
Dad was murdered, Vicar.
Harv, come on now.
HARVEY: He was murdered
and I can prove it.

Didn't think I'd see you again.
I was sort of hoping the same.
Eventful funeral, I hear.
They're inside.
Walkers in one room,
Barons in the other.
Well, at least, I hope
that's still the case.
Not sticking around?
Ah, well not really
my remit, is it?
Life, death,
everything in between.
Thought you lot covered it all.
Not when there's a pint
calling. Godspeed, Inspector.
GEORDIE (voiceover): Let's start
at the beginning, shall we?
In 1545, Henry VIII gave my
ancestors a piece of land
When I said start
at the beginning,
I was, perhaps naively,
hoping for this century.
The land was a gift from
the King to his mistress.
My great-great, etcetera, aunt.
She was incredible in
the sack, apparently.
Lucky old Henry
this bit of land?
It backs straight
onto our house.
It backs straight
onto our house.
Ten acres.
Fields, a stretch of river.
Rather lovely, really,
if there wasn't so
much acrimony involved.
The problem is, it
sits directly between
our house and the Walkers'.
We call it no man's land.
The Barons think it's theirs.
It's ours.
It's always been ours.
JAMIE: It's been hell.
Tit for tat, back and forth,
never-ending arguments
and posturing.
A man must defend what
is rightfully his, Jamie.
It's exhausting.
Mr. Baron's death
was investigated.
The coroner concluded suicide.
LIONEL: Exactly.
Shot with his own rifle.
It wasn't his rifle, Inspector.
And there's the rub.
(shouting): It wasn't his bloody
rifle! Do you hear me, you bastards?!
What did you say?!
All right, back in your corners!
(indistinct chatter)
(chatter fades)
Afternoon, gents, um,
can I buy anyone a drink?
Ah, fair enough, um
Pint of your finest, please.
Not that fine.
Uh, well, pint of your
distinctly average then.
(places coins)
Oh, yeah, um
Can I put this up somewhere?
Just, um
Open day tomorrow,
if anyone fancies it.
Hoping to get a lively
conversation going
about the parish.
Perhaps lively is
over-stretching it.
(Alphy sighs)
Are your clocks slow?
It's an hour slow.
Grantchester time.
What, you're in a different
time zone, are you?
Makes sense, I suppose.
Ah, cheers.
Lovely to meet you all.
(quiet chattering)
RACHEL: This is
where we found him.
HARVEY: With this rifle.
He'd been dead a while.
Overnight, they think.
Horrible to think he died alone.
Why didn't you
mention your concerns
about his death before?
We only got his
effects back yesterday.
This was the gun
they found with him.
RACHEL: Dad had a rifle
just like that, Harvey.
Yes, but he would notch
the handle after every deer
that he killed;
there's no notches.
This isn't his rifle, Inspector.
Which rather begs the
question, whose rifle is it?

(talking in background)
Have you sorted it?
Not quite.
Here's the thing. Okay.
Here's the thing
Yes, you've said that already.
Just answer my questions,
I'll be out of your hair.
Okay. Good.
You haven't actually
asked me anything yet.
I have, in the past,
come to your predecessors
to ask for help. Of
a religious nature.
Marriage problems?
Sexual problems? No!
Spiritual then?
Of a sort.
I need your help with the case.
Right, you see, that's still
not actually a question.
Oh, Christ on a bike
will you help me or not?
Any particular reason
I'm not a great
believer in the police.
I'm not a great believer in God.
Well then! There we are.
What have you got against us,
if you don't mind my asking?
In a nutshell, you're a
bunch of morally bankrupt,
power hungry, violent thugs.
Who wield their power purely
to inflate their own egos
and line their own pockets.
Who enforces the law without us?
God? Hm.
Well, he'd do a better job.
would do a better job.
Someone who cares.
I didn't used to care.
Not very much.
Till I met one of you lot.
Now I have got empathy pouring
out of me at a rate of knots.
Would be a lot easier
in your line of work
without it, I imagine.
Hell of a lot easier.
How can I help?
I need to take another
look at the body.
Exhume him.
No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
You won't need to exhume him.
Are you deliberately
trying to annoy me?
The coffin's still
in the church.
Ah! Come on, then.
What, you don't need me, do you?
Authorization and a
witness statement.
Or I could just arrest you.
Now I'm starting to feel
a little bit persecuted
here, Inspector.
Seem to have that
effect on people.

(phone ringing)
Never seen so many uptight
white men in one place.
And you work for the church.
They're bringing the
body in now, boss.
This is DS Peters. My
original case notes.
You were the
investigating officer?
Makes sense.
Looked like suicide.
I thought it.
Coroner thought it.
Even the family.
Not any more, Larry.
You coming?
To the morgue?
What, why would I
come to the morgue?
No reason.
Take his statement.

Okay, take a seat.

Okay, Mr. Baron.
What have you got for me?
LARRY (voiceover):
It really did
look like suicide.
Oh, you're the new one,
are you? The new?
Geordie's got a
thing for vicars.
(scoffs) Okay, that's unnerving.
Didn't understand it at first.
But I'm starting
to see the appeal.
He's been lonely
without the old one.
Started talking to
himself and everything.
No wedding ring,
I see.
You don't mess about, do you?
There's a general shortage of
decent men in this town, so
If you ever need a tour guide.
I will come straight
to you, Miss
Call me Jennifer.
Me and her were
an item for a bit.
Never let me call her Jennifer.
(footsteps approaching)
Baron's right-handed.
So how'd he shoot himself in
the right side of his chest?
It's almost impossible
to hold a rifle that long
and shoot like that,
especially with the wrong hand.
Why are you telling me this?
No reason.
So, can I go?
Any time you like.

(imitates gun firing)

(car door slams)
We must stop meeting like this.
That was going to be my line.
(chuckles quietly)
We just fell in love.
Across the barricades,
as it were.
I don't think he
believes us, darling.
No, no, of course I
believe you. It
(sighs) It's just,
I've met your families.
All this nonsense over a
rather scrubby piece of land.
So you're ready to put
all that behind you?
A new era.
Don't mind me.
(glass clinking, liquid pouring)
Jamie's such a romantic.
Used to send me the most
darling love letters.
He'd hide them in the old oak
tree out on no man's land.
HARVEY: Can you
believe it, Vicar?
Love's young dream.
And under our noses
all this time.
To the happy couple.
It'll take some time
for the family to adjust
to Jamie and me.
Well, judging by
their previous record,
you might be looking
at centuries.
I'm sure they'll come round.
Bless you, you are sweet.
Any ideas for the wedding?
Maybe I can suggest a few

(door opens)

(indistinct chatter)

(birds chirping)
(knocking at door)
LEONARD: Sorry to
bother you, Alphy.
Leonard, of the House of Finch?
By way of an apology.
For the swarthy incident.
"Swarthy." I did wonder.
Mrs. C. is a little,
um Bigoted?
I was going to
say old-fashioned.
Huh. She just needs nudging
in the right direction.
I'll get the oven on.
The door sticks. It
needs a good shove.
So I hear.
(Dickens barks)
Um, Leonard
Oh yes, sorry, this is Dickens.
He comes with the house.
He's very fond of
sausages. (Dickens barks)
Hello, Dickens. Hello.
He's been a bit needy
since Will left.
He's pining.
Hm, not the only one, I hear.
The police officer.
Poor Geordie.
He's a good egg.
Well, he says all the
right things but, um
You might think you
know who Geordie is,
but you'd be wrong.
What, not a
judgmental, right-wing,
tyrant then? Hmm?
(chuckles) No.
Well, suit aside.
Honestly, he's more
tolerant than you'd think.
Well, I'll take
your word for it.
I used to be curate here.
Oh. Why'd you leave?
Let's just say
the church frowned
on some of my romantic choices.
Oh, Leonard, you don't
have to tell me any
You'll find out soon enough.
But Geordie's been
wonderful throughout
the troubles that followed.
He's a very dear friend.
Give him a chance.
And everyone else
in the village?
You'll find they take
a while to soften
towards anything different.
Well, did they
soften towards you?
(with mouth full): God, no.
(chuckles) No.
It's easier dealing
with convicted criminals
than the good people
of Grantchester.
You like Dostoevsky?
Well, I'm not mad on him.
But you've read
him? Course I have.
Oh, you have no idea how
happy that makes me feel.
Thank you for a very
entertaining evening.
No, thank you. It
means a lot, really.
What do you know about the
Barons and the Walkers?
Where to start?
How about Rachel and Jamie?
I mean, do they seem
like a good match to you?
Put it this way:
I never took Jamie
as the marrying sort.
To Rachel, you mean?
To any woman.

(door opens)
(birds chirping)

Yeah. Don't worry.
I'm coming back, Dickens.

Trespassing, are we?
Um (chuckles)
I can explain.
Can you?
(sighs) Not really, no.
Thought as much.
Oh, you've come to
arrest me, have you?
If you'll come with me, sir.
You're kidding me.
We had reports of a
vicar trespassing.
Actually, we had two reports.
One from the Walkers
and one from the Barons.
Both claiming you
were on their land.
Let me guess
They didn't specify
in terms of
What were you
doing up that tree?
Love letter.
From Jamie Walker.
For Rachel Baron?
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
"Please don't be angry.
I don't want to do it,
but I have no choice."
Do what? Get married?
It's for her brother.
So Jamie Walker and
And Harvey Baron.
Well, that certainly
puts a spin on things.
Maybe old man Baron found
out about the two of them,
got into a fight with
his son's lover, and
Not your business.
Not my business.
(clears throat)
Says the man who
climbed up a tree.
I was just
curious is all.
Anything else that's piqued
your curiosity, Vicar?
Not really.
Well, unless you count Rachel
planting a big ol' kiss on me.

RACHEL: I love Jamie.
Does he love you?
Absolutely, yes. See,
I'm not buying it.
Cynical, aren't you, Inspector?
Just a realist.
That and I know you
kissed the vicar.
I've been in a terrible
state of confusion recently.
My father's death and all this
talk of murder.
You summoned me, darling? Oh.
Don't let him bully you.
JAMIE: Well, this is all
rather mysterious.
Is it?
Take a seat.
Both of you.
Does Rachel know?
About what?
Rachel intercepted
one, I imagine,
thought it was for
her, and here we are
in a right old pickle.
Why are you marrying her?
JAMIE: No man's land
is just sitting there.
HARVEY: And Jamie's
father won't live forever.
If they marry, we could sell it.
Build on it.
Maybe your father
knew about this
whole tangled web.
So one of us shot him?
We were at the pub
celebrating my engagement
when he died.
Sorry to disappoint
you, Inspector.

Perseverance is the
path to new beginnings.
I'm excited about
persevering with all of you
to make our village a
warmer, more welcoming place.
Stirring stuff.
Very commendable.
It's already a
welcoming village.
Well, I was hoping
for more of a crowd.
Perhaps people are busy.
modern, I suppose.
To have a vicar
from Whatever
you're going to say,
don't say it, Mrs. C.
I was only going to
say from the Empire.
I'm from Romford, actually.
Trumpington's vicar comes
from Devon.
They think they've got
something to boast about.
Good Lord.
(Dickens grumbles)

(man clears throat)
Sorry to disturb, Vicar.
Not at all.
Haven't been in here for nigh on
50 years.
Now twice in as many days.
There's hope for him yet.
I'll miss him, you know.
Old man Baron.
Rather fond of him when
all's said and done.
You didn't kill him, then?
You're very direct, Vicar.
No. No, I didn't kill him.
But maybe I didn't do enough.
Perhaps if I'd done more.
What more could you have done?
(clicks tongue)
(sighs) Can we pray for him?
For all whom we
remember this day,
bring us all with them
to your eternal joy.
Through Christ our Lord.

GEORDIE: Walkers and the Barons.
Barons and the Walkers.
(clucking tongue)
ALPHY: Like Romeo and Juliet.
Without anyone to root for.
They said you'd started talking
to yourself.
Only sensible conversation
I get nowadays.
(clicks tongue)
I had a visit from
Lionel Walker.
Anything interesting
to say for himself?
I know you vicars
don't like to
break a confidence.
He said, "If only
I'd done more."
Well, I'll break a confidence
if the truth is at stake.
Say he's our killer.
Mmm. He's not.
I asked him.
Did you?
He denied it.
Well, they always deny it.
No, he said it in church.
He wasn't lying.
Because of God?
Because of God.
He does know something, though.
I'm sure of it.
Problem is,
he was in the pub
with the happy couple
at the same time Baron was shot.
Which pub?
The Blue Ball.

5:00 p.m.
Post mortem puts Baron's death
at almost the same moment.
That's Grantchester time.
You have your own time now?
No, no, the landlord.
He keeps the clock
an hour slow, so
Now any one of them
could've shot him.
And then back in the pub
in time for a knees up.

This is an outrage.
Nevertheless, pockets.
Spying on me,
were you?
(metal items clatter in box)

No, it's not mine.
I've never seen it before.
Well, you're gonna have a hard
time convincing me of that,
Lionel Walker.

Did you go down to no man's
land the day old man Baron died?
Did you confront him?
Did you shoot him
with your rifle
and try to make it
look like suicide?
"If only I'd done more."
That's what you told the vicar.
What did you mean?
He said he wanted to see me.
About what? (scoffs)
The usual nonsense.
On the day of
your son's engagement?
I don't think so.
He wanted to stop the wedding.
He had his reasons.
Two reasons:
And Jamie.
Baron knew about
them, didn't he?
He wanted to tell you
(shouting): My son
is not a pansy!
You got angry.
You took aim I didn't
take aim.
LIONEL (voiceover):
You're a liar!
You've always been a liar!
The wedding's off!
The wedding's going
ahead! Give me that gun!
(rifle fires, Baron groans)
LIONEL (voiceover): I didn't
mean for it to happen.
I tried to stop
the blood, but
He was breathing, he
He was still alive.
I thought someone was coming.
Who? I, I don't know.
I panicked.
I ran.
You thought you'd
got away with murder.

So why keep this?
I, I didn't.
I, I left it there, I
I-I'm sure I left it there.
(door slams)
I've arrested Lionel
Walker for the murder.
Is it always that easy?
Sometimes you get lucky.
Thanks for your help, Alphy.
Any time, Geordie.
Why not?
Because we're all
morally bankrupt,
power-hungry thugs?
Ha, you see it
sounds so judgmental
when you say it. Uh-oh.
What? It's the wife.
Esme's not come home.
That's the daughter.
It's only 8:00.
She said she'd be
back hours ago.
She could be dead in a ditch.
The well-known
ditches of Cambridge?
I'll help you look, if you like.
Thank you.
Cathy, go home, get some rest.
Run a bath or something.
I'll get my coat.
So, you're the new one, are you?
(bell tolling, birds chirping)
Why a vicar?
Why a police officer?
I asked first.
Apart from the whole
believing in God bit?
Apart from that.
"No one is useless in this world
who lightens the
burden of another."
Who said that? Jesus?
The dog?
No, not the dog. (chuckles)
I like finding people answers.
Helping them find peace.
Not too different, what we do.
Less hymn singing in my job.
Shame. It's the best bit.

(indistinct chatter
in background)
ESME (laughing): I can't
even understand it.
YOUNG MAN (laughing):
Oh, really?
Yeah. It's such a nightmare.
(indistinct chatter) Why not?
Yeah, it's great.
I'll see you guys on Monday.
This is so humiliating.
Just be glad your
mother isn't here.
CATHY: You could've been dead.
But she wasn't, so
Such a drag, Mum.
A drag?! A drag?!
Respect your elders,
Esme Keating.
Oh (blows raspberry)
I can't stand her being
in this house anymore. GEORDIE:
Uh, I think we're slipping
off topic here.
MRS. CHAPMAN: You are a rude,
disrespectful little minx.
CATHY: Don't speak to her
like that.
Well, someone has to.
GEORDIE: Maybe we
should do this when
tempers are a
little less frayed.
Neither of you keep her in line.
Get out!
Your children are a lost cause.
Keep the mop
and try using it.
Your floors are a disgrace.
Fine! Fine!
(door opens)
Such a drag.
(door slams)
Well, she's gone now, so
I'm not talking about Mrs. C.
Your old lady is such a downer.
Where are you getting
all these words from?

(birds chirping)

(muttering quietly)
I have a few questions.
What, why we're here?
What's the meaning of life?
Why did Lionel
leave Bert to die?
Why not run for help?
Call an ambulance?
Why leave the scene?
Because someone else was coming?
Someone he thought would help,
but who was that someone else?
And why didn't they
try to help Bert?
Why didn't they
call an ambulance?
And why did Lionel
keep the hankie?
A bloody hankie, one
which incriminates him
with a murder he'd
got away with?
That's a lot of questions.
I haven't got to
the best one yet.
Why does Rachel,
minutes after her
dad was shot
Have a hankie in her pocket?

GEORDIE: You went
to find your father
down on no man's
land, didn't you?
You saw them fighting.
(indistinct arguing)
The rifle going off.
(gunshot fires)
You saw Lionel trying
to stem the bleeding.
You saw him run.
I was celebrating the
happiest day of my life.
You're lying.
They didn't find Dad
till hours later.
He was already dead.
She's lying.
Why keep the hankie?
I've never seen it before.
GEORDIE: For insurance, maybe?
And keeping it paid off.
You planted it on Lionel
when we started nosing around.
When exactly am I supposed
to have done all this?
That's what I wondered.
Until I remembered the set-to
in the vicarage. LIONEL
(voiceover): What did you say?
Harvey! All right.
Back in your corners.
ALPHY (voiceover):
Why plant evidence?
Unless you're guilty?
I've just lost my father.
Your dad went to no man's land.
He told Lionel Jamie
didn't love you,
he loved Harvey.
It's lies.
Everyone knew.
Even you.
You knew.
It's sordid, nasty gossip.
ALPHY: Your dad was going
to stop the wedding.
He wanted it all
out in the open.
And you couldn't have that.
(gasping): Help me.
ALPHY (voiceover): So
you sat with your dad.
(whispering): Please, help me.
ALPHY (voiceover): And
you watched him die.
(Bert expires, compact opens)
GEORDIE (voiceover): Then you
went to your engagement party
and celebrated.
What kind of monster does that?
The kind who plants evidence,
the kind who kisses a
vicar looking for comfort,
the kind who can't
face the truth.
You will go to prison
for this, Rachel.
Do you believe in God?
Of course.
Lie to us, fine.
Lie to yourself, by all
means, but lie to God?
He sees everything, Rachel.
He already knows. He
knows what you've done.
And He has no mercy for liars.

Jamie's my fiancé.
We'll marry, and
we'll have children.
And we'll be happy.
And then it will all be over.
All the stupid arguments,
all the incessant fighting
and backstabbing.
So, yes, I let him die.
So that I can have some peace.
I just wanted some
peace, really.

(birds crowing)
I want to thank you,
each and every one of
you, for the warm welcome
you've extended to me.
It's hard coming to a new place,
away from everyone and
everything you know.
But you've embraced me
with such generosity,
such warmth
That's made my first
days here a real joy.
I haven't had the good fortune
to meet all of you yet.
So I thought, as
we're all here
why not make the most of it?
(parishioners murmuring)
Hi, Reverend Alphy Kottaram.
Lovely to meet you.
Good to see you, Jack.
Mrs. C.
(indistinct murmuring)
Leonard, how are we?
(quietly): I've never
seen them squirm so much.
It's wonderful.
Hi. Reverend Alphy Kottaram.
Pleased to meet you.

Couldn't buy you
a pint, could I?
Thank you.
I hear you have a
thing for vicars.
Who said that?
I don't have a "thing."
I just happen to
have, in the past,
been friendly with a few vicars.
plural? Two.
(laughing): Okay, no, I'd say
that's definitely a "thing."
So, what's your secret, Alphy?
What's my secret?
Mmm, love child,
hmm? Tragic past?
The vicars I've known,
they've all had something.
Spill the beans.
My dad's an accountant.
Mum's a housewife.
I'm pretty good at football.
Terrible at maths and
that's about it.
That's it?
That's everything?
Well, I'm pretty content
with my lot, to be honest.
What? I'm a glass
half full kind of guy.
(chuckles) You
look disappointed.
I am a bit.
Do you need someone to save?
That's your remit,
Vicar. (chuckles)
Thank you. Thank you.
We could just talk about
the football, you know.
Women. (chuckles)
We can talk about women
if you like, yeah.
Do you want to talk about women?
Not the ones in my
family. (chuckles)
No, fair enough.
Game on the wireless
was good last night.
Ah, Leicester-Tottenham? Mmm.
Ah, belter of a game.
ALPHY AND GEORDIE (simultaneously):
Definitely not a penalty.


Reverend Kottaram?
How are you finding the parish?
(object clatters,
Alphy exclaims)
Multiple stab
wounds to the chest.
He was blackmailing someone.
SAM: Daniel?
Come, take a seat.
What are you holding on to?

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