Heels (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

The Journey Is the Obstacle

[WILLIE] Previously on Heels
[JACK] I told Ace about the Kleenex.
- [STACI] What'd he say?
- [JACK] The whole thing
was a little bit of a blur.
[ACE] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
I may not deserve it, but
if you give me another chance
I promise I'm never
gonna let you down again.
[WILD BILL] You wanna be seen?
You cannot rely on others
who want the focus on them.
[BUNNY] Hey, Ace!
[GULLY] Your new DWL champion is
the valet,
Bunny Bombshell according
to Jack Spade's logic,
I guess anybody can just grab the belt.
[WILD BILL] Jack, you need my expertise.
You don't know, really,
what the fuck you're doing.
[CONSTANCE] You must introduce
me to Wild Bill.
[JACK] Bill, this is Constance.
She booked us for the fair.
You are a wise woman, Constance.
- [JACK] You got suspended?
[STACI] You can't hit people
out of anger.
[THOMAS] Dad hit Uncle Ace
at the hospital.
[STACI] Jack, each action
and each situation,
you could've resisted. You embraced 'em.
You fucking leaned in.
[ACE] You act like
you're some kind of genius.
You ruined my fucking life.
[STACI] Tomorrow's a new day.
You could talk to him more.
[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,
- and I'll hit you back.
[CAROL] Thatta boy, Ace.
Thatta boy.

[SINGER] I'm not waiting for ♪
The answer ♪

I will ♪
Walk in the shore ♪
To find you ♪
To find ♪
The peace that's your own ♪
Where you come from ♪
All that you want ♪

One that's your own ♪
Place to call home ♪
Won't be ♪
Granted ♪
What is fair in love ♪
Is fair in war ♪

What is fair in love ♪
Is fair in war ♪
One ♪
To one ♪
What's love ♪
In war? ♪


The storm is threatenin' ♪
My very life today ♪
If I don't get some shelter ♪
Ooh, yeah I'm gonna fade away ♪
[THE ROLLING STONES] War, children ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away, war ♪
[BRIAN] Hey, Willie,
it's Brian from Mayorca Beer.
Uh, couldn't make the show, but
heard the news. Congratulations.
Now let's square up, uh,
accounts now that you're flush.
I'm around all day. Give me a call.
Oops, must've missed your message,
Brian, you perky fake fuck.
[REGGIE] Willie,
Reggie from Connors Roofing.
Tell Jack I gotta get paid.
It's been eight months.
[WILLIE] Never a lid. Never a lid.
- Lids just vanish.
See you guys tonight. No idea when.
Hey, hug.
In two years, I'll be off to college,
- and you'll miss me.
- [WILLIE] Really?
Get your grades up,
or you won't sniff a college
you can go away to.
[TED] Have fun at work, hon.
[ROBIN] I thought
she was quittin' the DWL.
Me too, love. Me too.
- What's wrong?
- [STACI] Hey.
Sorry, no one died.
But I just got an alert
about a county highway meetin'
on the family calendar, so
[JACK SIGHS] Sorry, I keep
clicking on the wrong calendar.
No worries. We all do it.
The county's taking bids,
but they moved that meetin' to the 11th.
Jack, today's the 11th.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Shit! God damn it!
Just call and say you overslept.
Jack, you're okay.
Jack, you there?
Yeah, no, I'm here, in our home.
I'm just not where I should be,
which is selling
industrial fucking lawnmowers,
God damn it!
I'm sorry. I love you.
[STACI] Jack, they love you there.
So don't rush. Also, I wanna remind you
we gotta meet with
Thomas' principal tomorrow
to discuss the punching incident.
It's also on
the shared family calendar
- the purple one.
Timmy's got me scheduled
to open the shop tomorrow
if I'm not fired today.
Thomas is suspended
until we meet with the school.
Well, do we both have to be there?
Because I took off
too much time for the fair,
and my leverage has dwindled.
[STACI] Both parents need to be there.
Well, then I'll be there.
Jack, you sell more lawnmowers
than anyone else at that company.
Chisel that onto my gravestone.
[STACI] Drive safely. Call me later.
I will.
So nice to go on a run with you.
Sorry, I just
I needed to run hard, think,
then run and not think.
You and Thomas can stay here
as long as you need.
What's up?
Oh, Jack just added a work meeting
on the shared family calendar.
I was afraid he'd miss it,
so I called him.
You're nicer than I would've been.
[STACI] Not really.
Poor guy's always doing
three things at once.
He's I feel for the guy.
he's my guy still.
We just
gotta find our way back to each other.

Hey, you and I need to talk.
Where are you?
Why? You bringin' over croissants?
- [WILLIE] You wish.
- That's why I suggested it.
[WILLIE] I just wanna
make sure that last night,
when we were talking,
you weren't blackout drunk
or high as shit, because if you
and I are gonna work together,
we really need to be you know.
No, I wasn't high last night.
You're whispering.
You've got some chippy
in your bed, don't ya?
A lady, not a chippy.
Her name's Constance.
I believe you've met.
You banged Constance,
the fair commissioner?
Perhaps I did. Perhaps I did not.
Which would you prefer?
Oh, my God! That dirty, dirty bird.
[WILD BILL] She's quite nice
and the reason we got the fair.
I'm the reason we got the fair.
Yeah, okay, well, she still
owes us our appearance fee.
So you tell that dirty bird
Hey! Slut-shamer. Stop calling her that.
I will call that trampy little
knob-gobbler whatever I want.
Get her to get me a check.
I've got countless overdue
bills I gotta pay today.
Happy to be of service.
You've serviced nothing
but that dirty Tweety's twat.
Get her up out of bed and get
her flapping her wings my way.
And if her check doesn't bounce,
maybe you'll get
some goddamn croissants.
Chocolat, s'il vous plaît. Merci.
Oh, God damn it.
[CUSTOMER] Thank you.
Oh, uh, I'd like
the restroom key, please.
You gotta buy something, thank you.
Um, I'll get just the key
would be great.
Key's for people who buy something.
I bought four Cokes at a
Gas 'N' Break five hours back.
I didn't sell you those Cokes.
Each Gas 'N' Break's a franchise.
Profits from those Cokes
are in the register
of the Gas 'N' Break
five hours back, not mine.
Well, yeah, but come on, man.
You guys draft off each other, right?
Makes sense that
if I buy X amount of liquid
at Gas Break A, I should be
able to use the restroom
at Gas Break B.
People lie all the time.
I got the empty Cokes
and the receipt in my Volvo to prove it.
I'm just tryin' to piss it back out.
Y'all gotta come up with some
sort of sales QR tracking code
or some shit, so we're not debatin'
a man's right to relieve himself.
Sir, I'm not in the restroom business.
If you wanna piss out their Cokes,
drive back, piss out
their Cokes in their restroom,
or you could buy a new Coke here.
I'll loan you my key.
I got Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero.
Stick 'em all up your ass, sir.
[OWNER] You gon' wash that all away.
[WHISPERS] This fucking
That's it. Now git.
For good.
First time I kissed a man
with a mustache.
- Ooh, so last night was your first time riding one too?
You took to it pretty well.
- If you need me today,
- I'll be at my chiropractor.
Don't tell Willie I forgot the check
because you seduced me.
How 'bout we go to my big,
empty house next time?
Gets cold there, maybe you can
come by and warm me up.
I'll use my entire body
as a giant blanket.
Mmm. Mm.
[WILD BILL] Mmm. Mmm!
Would you like to touch it
one more time before you go?
[CONSTANCE LAUGHS] Not in a parking lot.
But definitely later. Call me.
[WILD BILL] Will do.
[ALEX] Hey, guys, we've got Jim Freeman
with us today, author of
one of my favorite books,
The Journey is the Obstacle.
Jim, please.
Tell the folks about your
inspiration for writing it.
[JIM] Thanks, Alex.
So there's many an adage
that has led us astray.
Top of the list
life's about the journey,
not the destination.
- I say bullshit.
- Right.
[JIM] Many of us are stuck
on the wrong journey.
Yet we dawdle, because we've been taught
that we don't deserve
the astonishing now.
You cannot create your own
version of the astonishing now
if you're mired in making a
foolish journey seem meaningful.
The journey you've chosen
is your obstacle.
[ALEX] Yeah, totally. I can see that.
[JIM] If the journey you're on
is not astonishing
in its spectacularity,
you must abandon it and start anew.
- [ALEX] Mm.
- [JIM] Each of us are called
to ignite journeys sparked
with the transcendent power
of the astonishing now.
But so many of us don't answer.
Wake up!
Hey, Siri, define "transcendent".
Whoo, there's the champ!
- Did you sleep with that thing on?
Oh, I did not sleep.
I didn't want the feeling
of that moment to end.
Didn't end. It is just starting.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, um,
Bobby, I just wanted to say
thank you for being in my corner.
I've never had anyone in my corner.
Not like you.
It's dope.
Well, your corner's a fun corner.
- [JACK] Hey!
- [WILLIE] Hey!
[JACK] Amazing job last night.
[WILLIE] Well, last night's over.
Today, the wolves are at the door.
People think we're flush with cash now.
Money from the fair is spoken for
still got a mountain of unpaid bills.
We always knew the state fair
was gonna be a loss leader.
We did it to capitalize
on the buzz that we'd get.
Don't tell me why we did it.
I know why we did it.
I also know a lot of that buzz
paints us as jabronis.
Gully's already cut two promos,
saying our finish was bogus.
I already blew off all of Gully's heat.
[WILLIE] Get on Instagram,
'cause half our comments are
Dystopia marks mockin' us
- on our own page.
- Let 'em.
Nobody ever gave a shit. Now they do.
That's good.
[CHUCKLES] Not if we don't
know what we are doing.
Look, I got 50 texts
media, fans, sponsors
possible momentum, but
I got no-mentum with no plan
because the fair's finish
was not our plan.
- We're back to square one.
- [JACK] No.
Mystery plus confusion
equals ticket sales.
We're at, the very least, at square two.
Ticket sales? To what?
Look, I don't know what I'm promotin'.
Is Crystal really champ? Bunny?
Is someone calling someone else out?
Maybe there's an in-ring interview
with Bill's shit-stained tights.
I don't need a full script, just a gist,
just a sliver of a gist,
something to promote.
We gotta pack the house, dude.
We gotta pack it this week,
next week, and the week after that.
We gotta pack it over and over and over.
What the fuck is up with Ace?
'Cause he vanished last night.
I'm gonna go see him this afternoon.
And do what, just have a laugh
about how y'all almost
killed each other in the ring?
He heard the cheers.
He knows what we achieved.
- It was greatness.
- Well, good.
Maybe greatness can be achieved
a second time
by inspiring some words
to come out of your mouth,
about what the fuck happens next?
Goin' to round everyone up.
[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,
- and I'll hit you back.
Ace, look, I know
we had an eventful endin'
to last night's show,
and we hadn't talked yet.
I've been trying to reach out
and I'm sure you're still sleepin'.
Willie's been up my ass
for next week's show.
Look, just tell me what you wanna do.
And we'll do it. Okay?
Let's build off
of what we accomplished

[RICKY] I think these boys
got something here.
I'd cut back on the road dates,
build the business with them.
- You?
- Only if you promise
your possum drone
will puke in Jack's face.
I'll shake on that right now.
Look, a lot of upside here,
a lot of potential.
But they need a update
announcers, big screens
so the live house
can watch promos, vignettes,
interviews, maybe a podcast
gotta take it beyond the ring.
[RICKY] Look at you, Bill,
wakin' up with ideas.
[GULLY] Twitchin' her cottontail ass,
- so she got the belt.
[GULLY] According to Jack
Spade's logic, I guess anybody
can just grab the belt.
They don't even need to be in the back.
They could be a bunny, a chipmunk,
or a palomino pony with a braided tail.
That boy's neck
must be made of concrete.
Billy, you clobbered him.
Hurtin' him put a hop in my step.
Gully's got a good point, though.
It was a no-DQ match,
but Crystal still wasn't in it.
Crystal won. They cheered.
You didn't seem this concerned
with Crystal winning last night.
Eh, I just shotgunned three beers, bro.
I'm just saying. [CHUCKLES]
In the light of day,
we got some explainin' to do.
Hardcore fans won't respect us
if we don't.
Now boys, it is what we make of it.
Maybe since Crystal's Bill's valet,
she won it for Bill.
You fixed it even better, Ricky.
Somebody bring big daddy my belt.
[JACK] How are the hangovers, y'all?
Round of applause for all of us!
- Yeah right!
Willie! Debbie.
Everything that you did
behind the scenes bravo.
You are seen. You are appreciated.
Thank you.
- [WRESTLER] Whoo.
- [WRESTLER] Good job, ladies.
- [WRESTLER] That's right.
- Ricky!
It's good to have you with us
last night.
You lent us your fans and your skillset.
- Thank you.
- [WRESTLER] Amen!
- [WRESTLER] Ricky!
- [WRESTLER] Whoo.
I hate that stupid heart thing,
almost as much as when
they bow with praying hands.
[JACK] The Dad!
I-I didn't see your match,
but Willie says you did good.
Thank you and congrats.
- [WRESTLER] Yeah.
- [WRESTLER] All right, Dad.
[WRESTLER] Yo, he fucking killed it.
- [CRYSTAL] All right, Dad.
- [WRESTLER] Big Jim.
- [JACK] Okay, he's back.
- [CRYSTAL] Big Jim.
- Talk to your wife.
Make it official.
We're better with you here.
- [WRESTLER] Yes, sir.
- [WRESTLER] Welcome back, Jim.
Sure hope these guys like
gettin' paid in compliments,
'cause that's all we've got
left to pay 'em with.
You swallowed your embarrassment,
and you kept the show goin' last night.
That gesture, that means a lot,
not just 'cause it benefitted us,
but for what it says about you
as a friend to the DWL.
- Says I shoulda took a enema.
You launched yourself
into the chaos last night
of some festering Spade family drama.
And we only weathered it 'cause of you.
It's 'cause of your guts.
It's your instinct.
It's your heart.
I'm grateful for you.
Thank you.
That shit was amazing.
Last but not least is Ace Spade,
who's still sleeping apparently.
When everything was gettin'
crazy last night,
before Crystal saved the day,
Ace coulda climbed the ladder,
grab the belt, but he didn't.
'Cause he cares about
this here promotion.
DWL was resuscitated,
because Ace and I shook hands
on a vow of loyalty.
And for real bad reasons,
I-I squandered that.
So if anyone here
has a problem with Ace Spade
it started with me.
I deserve the blame,
because I put y'all's hard work at risk.
I'm sorry.

I gotta write this week's show.
you're now a DWL wrestler.
- Welcome to the roster.
Okay, for this week's card,
I gotta rewind a few things
just a little bit.
We're gonna invalidate the results
of the ladder match
due to technicalities,
build some heat,
promote the shit out of it,
deliver killer stories.
I want y'all to stay sharp, stay tuned.
We survived.
Now, let's build on it. Thank you.
Jack, come on!
That shit's not fair!
I think I deserve way more than scraps.
It's bullshit that
I have to give up the belt
after holdin' it for one night.
I'm confused.
I should be able to defend
my title in the ring,
not relinquish it
on some fuckin' technicality.
You came to my house.
You said you'd do whatever
it takes for the DWL.
So there were conditions
you didn't disclose then?
Jack, I'm tryna talk about my
future in the DWL in the present.
We were together in the past,
five seconds ago,
when I pronounced you a DWL wrestler,
which, 24 hours ago, you were not.
I'm not arguin' that.
No? You were shoutin' after
me and calling bullshit.
Jack, I-I followed you to talk to you.
A week ago, you cried to me,
saying that you would do
- anything for the DWL.
I wasn't crying to you.
I was trying to take
responsibility for my actions.
But it would seem that "anything" meant
before you got the belt.
'Cause now you got the belt,
and you're the one
who's telling me what's next?
That's what you left out
when you were cryin'
and apologizin'.
You're real focused on that day.
I gotta square that day with
what's happening right now.
And do not consider any part
of any event scraps.
So let me know if you wanna
be part of this promotion.
Follow me, fucko.
- Ah.
- [WILLIE] You just got a gift.
I was just trying to stick up for my
[WILLIE] Shut up!
I thought you were smart.
Jack just gave you more praise
than anyone in this buildin'.
I got two sentences.
You got a monologue.
He actually used the words,
"I am so grateful for you".
And you go marchin' after him,
stampin' and stompin'
in your little Care Bear boots,
whinin' "No fair"?
This promotion is in the dark ages
when it comes to women wrestlers.
You ever wrestled a 30-minute match?
'Cause that's what it takes
to be at the top of the card
in this business 30 minutes.
How's your cardio, hmm?
And what's your gimmick?
'Cause as far as the audience knows,
Bunny Bombshell now has the DWL belt
or whoever Bunny was,
before you tore your ears off.
We don't know.
So if you've got solutions, share 'em.
Otherwise, quit runnin' your mouth.
I wasn't tryin' to run my mouth.
Really? 'Cause you opened it,
and you let words spew forth
without thinkin'.
- If you say so.
- Oh, I say so.
I fuckin' know so.
I've lost my life to this business.
So listen to what I say.
I'm sorry.
I am listening.
Well, I have no idea
who your Mr. Miyagi is,
but clearly, you've been practicin'.
You didn't learn all that on the
trampoline in your front yard.
there's a match this Saturday night,
and before your hissy fit,
Jack was writin' you into it.
For all I know, now he's in
his office writin' you out.
Well, I will go apologize to him.
You will sit in this room
for ten minutes
and do nothin' but reflect
on how you can better speak to
people about your aspirations.
Nobody owes you shit.
Today's Monday.
Your road to fairness starts now.
Go get one of the boys, who isn't tryin'
to stick his dick in you
to help and start workin'.
Get in the ring.
Get through five minutes
of action nonstop,
then ten minutes, then 15, then 20.
And if you can't do that, well,
that's the story Jack writes
you sidelined
before you even got started.
And whose fault is that?
- [JACK] Hey, Ma.
- [CAROL] Hi.
What's with the rocks?
I'm bombarded with junk mail.
I discovered if
I ship back a box of rocks
using the postage-paid-by-addressee
envelope, it'd cost them a lot of money,
and it stops.
- Respect.
- Mm-hmm.
I've been calling Ace since last night.
Well, we
the show went well, but we had
a little bit of a spat.
He's gone, Jack.
You make it sound ominous.
[CAROL] He left with food
and his sleeping bag.
Then just say he went camping.
He went camping, Jack.
You don't think he went camping.
Took his Xbox.
Please be made aware that this
establishment is cash only.
No credit card, no Venmo,
no PayPal, no Apple Pay,
no crypto cash only.
Seems pretty restrictive.
I'll just have some, uh, white toast.
Hmm, tryna lose weight?
Just tryna enjoy some toast.
Let me buy you a meal, partner.
Man with your frame needs protein.
I'm not tryin' to offend.
I've had days where all I ate was toast.
I like toast.
Can't trust a man who doesn't.
- I usually
- Buddy, I ain't lonely.
Go find some other runaway
to make s'mores with.
Well, you seem kind of old
to be a runaway.
So you dining and dashing
on me, you motherfucker?
[PERSON] What you mean?
- What?
Get pay yo' bill.
- Keep the change.
- [WAITRESS] Change?
Keep the fuck away from here,
you goddamn thief.
I don't know why I did that.
I do.
You feel the world owes it to you.
So you keep it.

- Okay.
- [BOBBY] Come on.
Come on, Dad.
- [BOBBY] Nice, nice, nice.
- [WRESTLER] Attagirl.
- That was 12 minutes.
That was not 12 minutes.
That was 11 minutes, 46 seconds.
Ah, that sucked.
Diego, you think you can last
15 minutes with me?
- Uh
Okay. All right.
In a bygone era,
I woulda had a great answer
to that question,
but I'll just say this.
Let's lock up.
Hey, man, you work here?
[WORKER] Are you buying or complaining?
Buyin'. Uh, is this, uh,
jacket good for the rain?
What do you mean "good for the rain?"
If I'm in the rain, will I be good?
Well, it is a raincoat.
So I think the answer is yes.
You ever gone camping in Dover Springs?
Nah, I hate camping.
You work at a camping store.
Alimony. Don't ever get married.
So if you're hikin' and campin'
in Dover Springs,
I hope you're all geared up.
You got bear spray?
There's bears in Dover Springs?
Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.
They passed a law
you can't kill 'em anymore,
but bears don't seem
to be thankful about that
when you run into 'em, so watch out.
You got hiking boots?
Uh, naw, I was just
I was just gonna wear these.
You're gonna hike in soccer shoes?
It's pretty rough terrain.
They're broken in. I'll be good.
Hey, I just wanna make sure
you know what you're doin' up there.
I mean, you're asking me about
the efficacy of a raincoat.
This this particular raincoat.
Raincoats always work, man.
That's why they're raincoats.
Do you sell tents?
[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.

[PERSON] Every time,
just keeps making the bus.
I don't understand
[JACK] I don't think it's too bad.
I'll smile more to offset it.
Thank you for waking me up yesterday.
Think we're gonna get that
contract with the county
a lot of mowers.
Jack, that's so great.
Ace left town.
I have no idea where.
I think the idea is he don't
want me havin' any idea,
'cause he hates me.
He doesn't. He's not gone far.
He took his Xbox.
I never shoulda told him the truth.
Staci, we were cookin'.
We had arrived.
Let's just have this meeting,
get Thomas back in school.
Ace will be back.
Hello there, Mr. Spade, Mrs. Spade.
- Good to see you again.
- Hey, good to see you.
Despite the circumstances. Um
- This is Jennifer Stone.
- Hi.
Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Stone.
- [PRINCIPAL] She works with
the district as a school psychologist.
Uh, sorry we kept you waiting.
[JACK] Uh, no worries at all.
The amount of time I spent
in this here office as a boy
makes me nostalgic to be back.
[CHUCKLES] Usually,
the principal's office
brings up scary memories.
I hope you weren't
a troublemaker, Mr. Spade.
Well, I didn't
necessarily make any trouble
didn't shy away from it
when it found me,
certainly wasn't scared of it.
Violence sometimes suggests
a deeper issue going on
with a child, and the proximity
to professional wrestling
may even normalize it.
It's boys. We handled it at home.
Tell us. We're concerned.
No need for a concern. It's handled.
Thomas understands he can't use
his fists to express himself.
Well, not at school, anyways.
School, their rules.
School rules say you can't
defend yourself that way.
There's no need for a deeper dive.
Okay, well, the video evidence
of the incident
might amend your feelings about it.
[JACK] You got any audio evidence?
Audio evidence
would amend your feelings,
because audio evidence would
reveal what provoked Thomas that day.
Thomas broke the boy's nose.
We want to make every effort
to de-escalate the situation.
I-I-It's over.
It's de-escalated. [SCOFFS]
You think this is funny?
No, I don't.
But I was just recalling
when I was in fifth grade here.
A kid named Dave Curley
pulled down Becky Colquit's
pants at recess.
Becky's brother, Todd, stepped up.
He broke Dave's nose,
and then he broke Dave's left arm.
And Dave learned something
that day about bullying.
Now, guess what?
Dave turned into a pretty good guy.
He's working as a social worker
now up in Raleigh.
Thomas is a sensitive boy,
who responded in a way we don't prefer.
Thomas got told to go fuck himself.
That's bullying.
Thomas taught that bully a life lesson
about using threats and fightin' words.
[PRINCIPAL] There's no such thing
as fighting words, Mr. Spade.
Fighting words escalate
into a school shooting,
and you don't want that, do you?
Did you just ask me
if I wanted this to escalate
to a school shootin'?
I did.
Until Congress legislates an
approved list of fighting words
that justifiably
provoke physical retribution,
we're just gonna draw the line
at no punching,
no kicking, no scratching,
no pulling hair too,
but top on the list is no punching.
Make sense?
Totally. Completely.
Well, mission accomplished.
That was one of
the worst routes ever taken
to accomplish any mission ever.
It's a miracle
we got out of that meetin'
with them agreein'
to let Thomas back in school.
Well, Staci, it's over and done
with, and he's unsuspended,
so what is the deal for tonight?
You gon' drive to Alpharetta,
grab Thomas,
and just come on back,
'cause that's a
That's a lot of driving for one day.
I don't even know what to s
[JACK] Staci, I came to the meetin'.
Me, it's Jack. It's my point of view.
I figure since we were invited
Summoned. We were summoned.
They had the district
school psychologist there.
This wasn't a meetin'
about detention and writin'
"I'm sorry for punching" 200 times.
They think our son might
have mental health issues.
[JACK] They [SIGHS] they're concerned
that the school district's
gonna get sued.
They're just tryin' to cover their ass.
They wanted us to acknowledge
punching as wrong.
How could you not read that?
'Cause punchin' is not always wrong.
Listen, are we supposed to live
according to principle,
or we just supposed to suck it up?
We're supposed to live according
to principle and common sense.
Well, let me know when to use which.
And hey, how-how is it that
I'm here talkin' 'bout Thomas,
and you're clearly
tryin' to talk about me?
No, I'm talkin' about all of us.
This is exactly my point.
I think we're doin' this together,
and then you go rogue,
arguing about fighting words.
No, goin' rogue's fightin' in
the absence of fightin' words.
Those people have master's degrees.
If they think we should
reframe our son's behavior,
maybe we should just listen.
I listened, then I responded.
You talked.
You schooled the school people.
What the hell, man?
You have one gear
lately confrontational.
I was in there defendin' our son,
who did not have mental health issues
[SIGHS] I don't wanna argue.
I just wanna hold your hand
and walk through this life together.
I sure can't imagine anyone observin' us
and thinking,
"Wow, what a great marriage".
But it's what I want.
It's what we deserve, and it's not this.
And I'm not in a hurry to come home
if this is the way
we're gonna treat a
[JACK] Go ahead.
Say something else
about how I'm no longer
the man that you married.
Stop provoking me. I wasn't going
I did what you asked.
I told Ace the truth.
I'm here at this meetin'
listening to those two
fucking idiots tell us
that our son is a bully,
which is not true.
I conceded the point.
I did not think it true,
but I did for you, for Thomas, for us.
I can play by the rules,
but you're here,
and you're threatenin' me, Staci.
You're threatenin' to stay separated!
No, I am telling you I am so
disoriented and and and unfamiliar
by this way you now seem
to express your unhappiness.
And that it has to change, Jack,
because I can't do it like this.
Well, I don't know
when you got so conditional,
but there it is.
- Don't say it's conditional.
- That's fine. No, it is!
Who the fuck are you?
It is!
And look, may-maybe it should be.
I get I get it.
I'm I'm gonna stop
asking you to come home,
because clearly, I haven't earned it.

Who am I?
I disappeared
the day my dad shot himself in the head.
And Daddy's final words to me were,
"Jack, take care of Ace",
and I thought that I was.
I'm a man who's desperate to provide,
who's tryin' to build a home
for all of us.
And, Staci, I'm failin' at all that.
So n so I'm so I'm a man
who doesn't know where his brother is,
and and whose wife and son
have left him
alone in our home.
Now what's that make me?
Who's that make me?
I'm just a dude.
I'm just [SNIFFLES]
I'm just a dude who's tryin'.

And all I'm doin' instead
is I'm fuckin' everything up.
I'm a disaster.
I don't know
what I have to do
to find the guy that I was before.
I don't know the first thing.

I'ma figure it out.


[BRITTANY] I already feel ♪
Like doing it again ♪
Honey ♪

'Cause once you know ♪
Then you know ♪
And you don't wanna go ♪
Back to wherever it is ♪
That you come from, yeah ♪

I just want to stay high ♪
With you ♪
[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,
- and I'll hit you back.
Ace, hey, listen to me, man.
I don't know how far you went or where,
but I know that
you took your Xbox with you.
So just tell me what I gotta do
to get you back here.
You want me to run down Main
Street naked with a pumpkin head?
Done! All right?
I messed up, but I need you with me,
and I want you to know
that I won't keep on working
to build this thing
until you decide to come back.
You know that you gon' come back,
because you were born to wrestle!
So just reach out, and let's fix this!
[WRESTLER] Okay, okay.
Naked lady walks into a bar.
- Poodle under one hand.
[WRESTLER] There's no way, dude.
Ace has gone away, no idea where.
New plan Crystal,
you're gon' be on the card.
Where? I don't know.
But we're gonna throw you
in the deep end.
That way, if you drown,
we will not have wasted any time.
Don't ask me how it ends.
Don't ask me how it begins.
I'm gonna write a promo.
We're gonna shoot it tonight.
Brew some coffee.
Jesus, the minute
we get some momentum
these fucking brothers, man.
Now Ace quit? Rooster defected.
Pock's gone AWOL. Bobby's leg's broke.
It's fucking great.
[BOBBY] Actually,
I'm healing really fast.
Doctor said that I make more
calcium than the average person.
[RICKY] How's that work, exactly?
You got, like, a milk titty in your leg?
Want you to know I'm here
to relieve some pressure, here to help.
Bill, if you're gonna
tell me that I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing again,
no, thank you.
"You don't know what the fuck
you're doin'" is not an insult.
It isn't.
Look, you can't be judged on
your ability to do something
if you haven't been
properly taught how
no disrespect to your dad.
Hey, you wanna go where he never went
and where I've been.
Sometimes my turns of phrase misfire.
I own that. I offer an apology.
And I am here to help.
Not to disrupt.
Now, look.
We are, right now,
what we call in the business,
The finish to the title match
gave us a huge pop,
but we booked ourselves into a corner.
We gotta figure out
how to make you whole again
while still pushing Crystal
without emasculatin'
your sausage party of a talent roster.
Look, you can write.
But I got some ideas
some good ones.
I'd like to share 'em with you.
In this [CHUCKLES]
battered notebook, one of about 100,
there lies the scribbled wisdom
born out of 7,000 nights
in 6,000 motels.
Let's put our heads together
and get this shit goin'.

As president
of the Duffy Wrestling League
board of directors,
I called this press conference
to address the recent controversy.
Last week, in an overzealous moment,
our referee erroneously awarded
the title to Bunny Bombshell,
who was not a legal competitor
in the title match,
and therefore, was ineligible to win.
- [CRYSTAL] Huh.
- [EDDIE] 'Scuse me.
- [EDDIE] This referee
is now suspended without pay,
pending an investigation.
[BOBBY] There's no need.
There's no need.
I'm retiring from reffing.
[EDDIE] Praise the Lord.
[PAUL] Nice passing the heat to the ref.
[KEVIN] Time-tested good shit.
Shut the fuck up, Kevin.
Bill Hancock was incapacitated
during the match
and left unattended,
a grievous oversight
by our entire promotion.
I want to apologize to Mr. Hancock
for our mishandling of your
gastrointestinal complication
and offer you Jack Spade
in a ladder match rematch
for the DWL title.
This is only happenin',
'cause he's threatenin' to sue the DWL!
- [WILD BILL] Eddie.
I accept your completely
unmotivated apology.
But if you're looking for who to blame,
look at who might gain through sabotage.
- Jack Spade.
Ace Spade.
I was poisoned!
And who had better access
than my so-called valet,
Bunny freakin' Bombshell?
A valet that had just come off
workin' with Ace Spade.
Maybe they never stopped
working together.
[JACK] Keep on using them
fightin' words, Bill,
and you're gonna find yourself
in a world of hurt.
You got your money,
and you got your lawyers,
but what you also have
is a mouth writin' checks
that your leaky ass can't cash!
Let's go right now, big Jack!
Please! Leave it for the ring,
where we will all gladly pay to
see you spill one another's blood.
And now, Ms. Bombshell
Whoa, check yourself.
My name is not Bunny Bombshell
or Tits McGee
or any other cartoon stage name
this hairy, syphilitic sack
of skin tried pinnin' on me.
You will call me Crystal Tyler.
- I am a grown, damn woman.
Oh, you think it's funny,
Jack Spade, huh?
[JACK] I do.
What's funny was that look on your face
after I kicked your ass
and took your title!
- You wanna go right now?
- I'll do whatever
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Ms. Tyler!
I am impressed by your competitive fire,
but this belt and the title
are gonna be held in abeyance
until Saturday's match
between Jack Spade
and Wild Bill Hancock.
And Ace Spade, you're invited
to return to Duffy
and challenge for the belt again.
If not, your spot'll be taken
by another challenger.
See you all Saturday, 7:30 p.m.,
live from the Duffy Dome.
- [WILLIE] Cut.
- [EDDIE] Good!
- [WRESTLER] Hey, good job.
- [WRESTLER] Nice job.
- [WRESTLER] Very well done!
[EDDIE] Ain't nothin'
without the words, Shakespeare.


Hey. Standing room only.
Field of fucking Dreams out there.
Promo worked so good.
Merch is moving. Beer is flowing.
We're gonna make some money tonight.
Yeah, they still gotta buy
what we're sellin' in the ring.
Okay, one victory at a time.
You sure about the finish?
Just confirming.

[ACE] This is Ace. Leave a message,
- and I'll hit you back.
[SIGHS] Hey, if you show up here
in the next ten minutes or so,
just slide in the back,
and I'll fill you in
once we're in the ring.
Otherwise, I'm gon' keep reachin' out,
and I'm gon' keep leavin'
these messages.

I need you back here.

Let's go.

Ace! Ace! Ace!
[EDDIE] Folks, I'm sorry to say this,
but Ace Spade is a no-show.
But you were promised
a triple threat ladder match
for the DWL strap, and that's
exactly what you're gonna get.
Ace Spade's sudden
and mysterious absence
has provided
the opportunity of a lifetime.
I am makin' an open challenge
to any other man on the DWL roster.
Now, who's it gonna be?
[CRYSTAL] How 'bout a woman?
I got a DWL contract right here,
which means I'm on the roster.
[WILD BILL] No, no, no, no!
And I came here for what's mine
to win back my belt!
[EDDIE] Oh, don't encourage her
now, folks.
She's a spectator
just like yourselves tonight.
Look at this typical male bull crap.
Woman comes in, beats three
men only to have a fourth man
manufacture some technicality
to dismiss her.
They're lookin' at me like,
"Who's this bitch think she is?"
- Shut up!
[CRYSTAL] You guys see that
look on Jack Spade's face?
- Yeah, he don't like a lady
using such language in the DWL,
but you know what?
You're actually right about me, Jack.
My name is Crystal Tyler,
and I am the baddest bitch
the DWL has ever seen!
- Nice.
I am the real goddamn champ
till one of you has got
the balls to take it from me.
Your job is to hop around
and fetch my robe.
So quit twitching your little
bunny tail here and hop on out!
This match is no place for a woman.
Crystal Tyler, you want in the match?
- You got it!
But! But don't you come crying to me
'cause you got bit trying
to play with the big dogs.
Ring that bell, Eddie!
- I am officially protestin
That's a living legend right there!
How dare you!
[EDDIE] All right, folks.
We are under way.
Oh, he's giving her a police escort
right into the turnbuckle there.
[JACK] She don't belong in this ring!
[WILD BILL] Witchcraft!
- Burn her!
[EDDIE] There's just two left
in the dance contest now.
Okay, here we go.
[RICKY] Now this is
some great action here.
[EDDIE] You don't
turn your back on a girl
with that kind of agility, I'll tell ya.
[RICKY] Looks like she's tryin'
to maybe choke him.
[EDDIE] Whoa!
[RICKY] Crystal just lands
on her feet like a housecat.
[EDDIE] Stuck the dismount.
[RICKY] Uh-uh. She means business.
- [BOTH] Oh!
Well, that done backfired
on him, didn't it?
[JACK] Ow! Come on!
- [CRYSTAL] Did it hurt?
- [JACK] Yes!
- [CRYSTAL] Yeah?
[EDDIE] She just keeps slappin'
with her open hand.
I don't understand that.
I would use a rock or a closed fist.
[RICKY] Closed fist is illegal in
professional wrestling, Eddie Earl.
[EDDIE] He threw her for distance.
[RICKY] Oh, he's fixin' to end
this girl's career before it starts.
[EDDIE] Oh, she's jumping up
to the top pole.
Appliances. Here she goes.
Oh! That is some kind
of superkick right there.
[RICKY] Every time Jack
takes his eyes off the prize,
Crystal does something fantastic.
- [RICKY] Oh!
- Good lord!
- Oh!
[EDDIE] Like a young Nadia Comaneci,
right with an elbow to the face.
[RICKY] For anybody under 75 right now,
he means Simone Biles.
He's working
the outside of the ring here.
- [JACK] Thanks very much.
- [FAN] Hey!
He's stealing a $7-beer.
That's not all right.
Remember, this is a ladder match.
You need to use the ladder
to climb and grab the belt.
[RICKY] You need the ladder
to win the match,
but it can also be used against you.
Look at her.
She's been to a Home Depot before.
All right, well, he's back in the ring.
He's a little oh.
Little do-si-do there.
She didn't plan to land on that elbow.
[RICKY] Hot dog, kids these days
call that a cutter.
It's a Crystal Cutter, Eddie Earl!
[EDDIE] That's a rich country
in the Middle East as well.
[RICKY] All right,
that ladder's twice the size
of that little girl.
[EDDIE] Well, she's gotta
get up to the top floor
and get that belt.
[RICKY] Oh, Crystal's gonna win
this match right here, right now.
[EDDIE] Hold up, Ricky.
Have you ever seen a ladder match
where someone climbed the ladder
with a sense of urgency or alacrity?
- [RICKY] Oh!
He's got a hold of her
an impolite hold of her.
Could be prosecuted in some states.
[RICKY] He's gonna throw her
into the second row.
[EDDIE] Oh, wait!
She's reversed it on him.
Oh. Oh, she is
[RICKY] Jade Spade might
be in trouble here.
[EDDIE] She is twisting
the life out of his neck.
Like a boa constrictor.
- [ANNIE] Use those thighs!
- [CONSTANCE] Choke him out!
[ANNIE] You got it!

She's locked in a triangle choke.
- He's very much in trouble.
I would think a lot of men
would want to be in his position.
[RICKY] He's tapping out.
He can't breathe.
He don't wanna be there.

He's out. Jack's unconscious.
[EDDIE] It's all over
but the climbin' now.
[FAN] Come on, Crystal!
[RICKY] When she grabs that belt,
no one can say that
she won on a technicality.
She beat these men fair and square.
We are all eyewitnesses.
[EDDIE] She's this close
to winning the belt again.
Wait a minute!
He's comin' from the side!
Wild Bill is back.
He has self-released himself.
Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!

She's made it!
She has won the belt again.
Yeah! Whoo!
Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!
Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!
[EDDIE] It's CrystalMania,
is what it is.
That's what's broken out here.
[RICKY] What a sport. Hey, look it
look at how dejected Jack Spade is.
He's upset.
- [EDDIE] Well, he should be.
- [RICKY] Yeah, absolutely.
[EDDIE] He just lost
to a 101-pound girl.
Crystal! Crystal! Crystal!
Great piece of business, Jack.
One hell of a sacrifice for a top guy
to put over
a five-foot-nothing female
and clean, at that.
[JACK] It was the right thing to do.
[WILD BILL] And judging by those cheers,
it was a good call.
[JACK] Thank you.
You helped put her over too.
"Therefore, Saul took a sword
and fell on it.
And when his armorbearer
saw that Saul was dead,
he also fell on his sword
and died with him".
I'll be fine.
I once lost to Vanilla Ice
and a Ninja Turtle.
- [BOBBY] There she is!
[WILLIE] Way to go, Crystal Tyler.
Willie, I just
All right.
Good job.
Go ahead and grab yourself
a beer or a shot,
you know, to celebrate.

All righty then.
Hey, a few more shows like that,
and you might actually make some money.
[CHUCKLES] I know.
[BOBBY] This guy did it. He was
- [WRESTLER] This guy.
- [BOBBY] Yeah.
[WRESTLER] This guy! This guy!


[JACK] Ace, hey, listen to me, man.
I don't know how far you went or where,
but I know that you took
your Xbox with you.
So just tell me what I gotta
do to get you back here.
Do you want me to run down
Main Street naked
with a pumpkin head?
Done! All right?
- I messed up, but I need you with me.
[JACK] I want you to know that
I'm gon' keep on working
- to build this thing.
- [JACK] Until you decide to come back.
[JACK] You were born to wrestle!
So just reach out, and let's fix this!
Jack, look.
Turns out the DWL
didn't need Ace after all.
Now we got


[SINGER] Ooh, yeah ♪

[ECHOING] Can anyone hear me?

[JAGGER] Mad bull lost its way ♪
War, children, yeah ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
War, children, yeah ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
[SINGER] Yeah ♪

[JAGGER] Yeah ♪
War, children ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
It's just a shot away ♪
[JAGGER] I tell you love, sister ♪
It's just a kiss away ♪
It's just a kiss away ♪
It's just a kiss away ♪
It's just a kiss away ♪
It's just a kiss away ♪
Kiss away, kiss away ♪
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