Hotel Babylon (2006) s04e02 Episode Script
Episode 26
Hello, baby.
This is Sam Franklin.
I was married to him.
Anna, let me help.
What?! I was after the manager.
You're looking at her.
BANG, SCREAMING Where is the sweepstake? I want to make bet.
I found your little sweepstake.
You can get off me now.
Don't you get that you just being here is confusing the hell out of me? Last night I made some calls to Tokyo and I'm pleased to inform you I'm now the proud owner of Hotel Babylon.
'A week ago I was in charge of a range of global businesses, 'living the dream.
'Now I'm waiting to find out what's left of it.
'The one asset I know I still own is Hotel Babylon.
'But what do I know about hotels, I hear you ask.
Well 'I've stayed in plenty, and with a CV like mine, 'running a hotel should be a walk in the park.
'I've been handling people all my life.
'I know how to make them happy.
' When the owner guaranteed you tickets, he failed to appreciate the popularity of the show.
Or the lateness of the hour.
What is it? A slug.
It's also a classic con.
You eat 95% of your meal, then you put a grub on the plate and complain.
Sam fell for it.
He gave them vouchers for a free dinner.
Morning.
Did you get the tickets? Great.
Thank you, thank you.
Morning, morning.
'No-one could say that Sam Franklin ever let them down.
' Sam.
I've got to take a shower.
I'll be right back down.
'As owner, your job's simple - 'make sure everyone feels valued and appreciated.
' Sam, I need you to sign off some ideas I've had on improving the profile of the hospitality areas.
Now's not a good time Michael.
I tidy your room special, so now it is Yes, just give me a sec, Tanya.
Yep.
.
.
clean.
Give it to me straight.
What have I got left? Hotel Babylon is definitely all I have? I'll call you later.
'And if life throws you a curve ball, 'your job is to pick yourself up, smile and get on with it.
' SHOWER RUNS You roll with the punches and you fight back.
I running late because I was getting ready.
For what? Your coming-out ball? This my first meeting as head of housekeeping.
I make effort.
Head of housekeeping? Mr Sam promote me.
Wow! Queen of the cleaners(!) Hi.
Well, you'll be pleased to know you missed my "happy to be general manager" speech, but the key points were that I welcome chocolate gifts and I love a good party.
Me too! Oh, we're SO going to get on.
On the off-chance that you may tire of another ten-minute monologue from me, I'd like to open it to the floor.
So, what have we got this weekend? As I'm sure you're all aware, we have Ed and Erin Martyn staying with us.
Oh, great How could we forget, when that's all you talk about? Well, I would suggest that the lifestyle gurus and TV celebrities are our premier guests.
Chef and I have already looked over their own recipe books and come up with some additional ideas for their joint birthday dinner.
Their stuff's wholesome, family food.
You doing wild-bean casserole and brown bread-and-butter pudding? James run this event like a military exercise.
"Gino, I want a bit of this.
" "Gino, I want a bit of that.
" "Gino, I want a bit of the other.
" And everything in the restaurant has to close at 5.
05 because Mr Slick Pants here, he wants to watch The Ed And Erin Show.
What good have they ever done anyone, eh? They've changed the way that civilians live their lives, that's all! Absolutely - bringing back old-fashioned values, home cooking and family meals.
I think they're evil.
SHE GASPS What? They appear as the perfect family and make everyone else feel inadequate.
We've also got the European heavyweight challenger staying - Fernando Gomez.
Now you talking about somebody who change lives, eh? I thought he just rearranged faces.
Yeah, he going to rearrange your British challenger's face, that's for sure.
Spain going to smash Great Britain, eh? Boxing in gloves is for women.
Real men fight with bare fists and teeth! I think that two men thumping each other for entertainment is just repulsive.
Well, you don't need to worry about that.
There's not going to be much thumping.
Just a quick bang, bang from Gomez, and your boy Morrison, on his back.
Last time out, Morrison destroyed Helmut Schneider, and Gomez has yet to face a southpaw.
What? You think I shouldn't know about boxing because I'm a woman? Yes.
SHE LAUGHS Morning.
Sorry, this is a staff meeting.
Yeah.
And you're here because? Looking good, Tanya.
My first contribution is an initiative from City Hall.
Leading up to the 2012 Olympics, they're seeing how eco-friendly hospitality businesses are, checking their carbon footprints, etc.
Well, we already have pretty good green credentials.
Well, I for one always recycle my make-up containers.
Another small country saved(!) It's called the Green Pillow Scheme and I've arranged for someone from their office to do an on-site inspection today.
Today?! Well as Emily says, we've already got great credentials.
He or she will just turn up, tick the relevant boxes, award us top marks.
Anyone fancy taking it on? Me, me! It's all media hype, whipping up hysteria.
I think it's a key issue, actually.
Passion.
That's what I like to hear.
Thank you, Emily.
Inspector will turn up sometime this morning.
OK, that's it.
People don't come to a five-star hotel to wonder whether we're recycling their shampoo bottles or using eco-friendly mouthwash.
Do I take it you're not a jolly green giant, then, James? Not a jolly green anything at the moment.
It's a bandwagon.
I need to book four rooms for a friend of mine this weekend.
Superior rooms.
We're fully booked.
Just do the Rubik's shuffle.
Twist, move and rearrange.
Bring two guests up from the third to the sixth floor, two from the sixth to the fourth.
That frees up rooms on the fifth and third floor.
So move one person from the first up to the sixth floor, one from the sixth to the third floor.
That frees up rooms on the fourth, fifth and third floor.
Fill them with people from the seventh and you've got four superior rooms available.
What she said.
The guest's name's Foreman, Carlton Foreman.
Put it back, Tyler.
GASPS Oh! Is it coming?! No.
THEY are.
Mr and Mrs Martyn, I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Hello.
How do you do? Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
We're delighted to have you.
We're delighted to be here.
Aren't we? Mm-hm.
Well, if you'd like to take a seat, we'll bring you over a complimentary drink while we check you in.
I'd love to see where the party's gonna be.
You want to stay here and get a drink? I want to stay with you.
Aw! 12 years of marriage and she still can't get enough of me.
Oh, stop.
HE LAUGHS We have your payment details, so here are your key cards, Mr and Mrs Martyn.
Annie, do you want to take Tyler up to the room? Can I just say I'm a massive fan? The item you did last week about the mind-blowing holiday disasters it was mind-blowing.
The herd of cows, cliff-top caravan Yeah.
So when are you due? Oh, um about a month.
Ed loved it when I was pregnant.
Well, there's nothing more amazing than a pregnant woman.
Yeah, you should try it from this side.
Oh, if he could've had Tyler himself, he would have.
All the scans, the check-ups, the prenatal classes - I couldn't get enough.
I hope your fella's pulling his weight.
Yeah er he is.
Mr and Mrs Martyn, shall we? Great.
Bye.
Bye.
Feel like I've just met royalty.
I'm going to be sick.
What? Go over this list and be ready to answer any questions the inspector may have.
It's like being back at school.
How would you know? Come on.
Who's the Anna-baby-father frontrunner? No frontrunners, but about 700 SHE WAILS Cover it.
Maybe I should just ask for the weekend off.
What's up? She's had her first brush with the country's most famous family.
They made you feel rubbish? Well, they noticed the bump, asked her about the dad, and then she threw up.
Welcome to parenthood.
Most of the time you feel ill-equipped, inadequate, and the rest of the time you feel nauseous.
Talking of parenthood, none of you saw Anna's baby scan pictures.
Can we see? EXCITED MURMURING Look, you can see its little fingers.
Oh! OK, now, looks like it's got James's nose, but that's impossible.
What about the chin? The head shape reminds me of You remember the guy with the dark hair? Who? He works with whatshisname.
Who? I thought that you'd stopped taking bets.
Well, we did.
We had.
But we start again.
I thought you were genuinely interested in the baby, but you're not, you just want to win some stupid bet.
From now on, just don't even look at me.
Anna, it's just a bit of fun.
No.
It's not.
Oh, come on, Anna, just give us some clues.
Is the father tall? Is he dark haired? Is he black? Is he someone we know? Put us out of our misery.
OK, fine.
You really want to know who the father is? Yes.
You really, really want me to tell you? ALL: Yes! You want me to come out and say who the father is? Yes! Yes! OK, fine! It's him! All right?! Which means I win the money! So I take it darkness and alcohol played their part in your coupling with Darren the waiter.
Why? Is he not good-looking? He's OK, but ordinary looks coupled with no money measures somewhere between the Elephant Man and Quasimodo on your scale.
Hey, you.
You have rooms.
Yes? Booked or not, you've got them.
Fernando.
Usted es verdadero el campeon del pueblo.
Usted es el corazon y alma de Espana.
Hombre! Come on! What you doing? Hey! I your biggest fan! I just want to shake your hand! Mr Gomez.
I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
Hola.
I'm so sorry about the fan, and I guarantee he won't pester you again, but he is actually our bar manager, so we may need him.
Rafael! Si.
Gabriel! Es barman aqui.
OK? Mm-hm.
Fernando! I still your biggest fan, eh? PHONE RINGS Hello, reception.
Anna Thornton-Wilton speaking.
'Another one's gone.
' Who is this? 'She's gone.
' So have you had au pairs walk out on you before? Loads of times.
I know looking after someone else's kid is a thankless job, but it's hardly rocket science, is it? "What do you want for breakfast, lunch? "Want to go to the park? Here's your dinner.
Get to bed!" It's easy.
You're funny.
Funny ha-ha or funny weird? Weird, definitely.
OK.
Let's get you back to your mummy and daddy now.
I'm 11, not two.
Yeah, whatever.
No.
Let me phone our office and check out the hopsack-weave linen we featured in our last book.
I think it's going to give the room a much more homely feel.
You're the expert on homely.
Yeah.
The chef thought the risotto al funghi would be a more appropriate accompaniment to the lighter antipasti choices.
It all sounds good, James.
I know nothing about wine.
Never touch the stuff.
So I'm leaving the choices to your Spanish sommelier.
Our who? Oh, our barman.
I've called him many things, but a sommelier? No, no, no.
THEY LAUGH Hey, small fry.
What's been happening? Your nanny's walked out on you.
What? Yeah.
Tyler rang down to reception and I saw her walking out of the door.
Oh, no! What are we going to do? Er, well, we'll just have to keep Tyler with us for the weekend.
What? While we pull a TV programme together? While we talk to scriptwriters and producers? He'll be bored, Ed.
Jesus, I'm bored talking to them, and I'm an adult! Darling, we'll sort something.
So what are we gonna do? We've got all our friends coming to a party! Darling, relax.
We'll just have to cancel.
We won't have to cancel.
Maybe we could help.
How? Well, I could ask a member of staff to look after Tyler, give you time to sort something else out long term.
So do you have, like, a child-minding thing here? No, but How about Anna? Me? Yes.
You've forged a relationship with Tyler? No.
No, not really.
And you could do with the practice.
Yeah.
SHE SOBS And it would be much less taxing for you than standing up for eight-hour shifts.
I can lean.
Oh, God.
Tyler? Tyler, what do you think? Yeah, Tyler.
Do you want a bossy, weird woman looking after you? Why not? Great.
That's sorted, then.
Thanks.
Now, this risotto.
I don't like risotto.
I think we should have fish.
Tough life, being an owner.
I'm sorry, did I miss the memo about the Neanderthal look-alike competition here today? That's no ordinary Neanderthal.
That's Don "Pitbull" Morrison and his entourage.
Call security.
I want this reprobate out of here now! Oh, shut up! This man is POSING as a hotel manager.
He couldn't run a bloody bath, bloody charlatan.
BOTH LAUGH You don't call.
You don't text.
Why the hell would I call you? Good to see you, Sammy.
Listen, thanks for sorting out the rooms.
Oh, what are mates for? Anyway, so last I heard, you were in Arizona, mining uranium? Arkansas, digging for copper.
Didn't find any, so I fell into the boxing game.
Boxing? Yeah.
This is my latest charge, Don Morrison, European heavyweight champion.
What are you looking at? Just you you're not so big close up.
Are you Spanish? Si.
I hate the Spanish.
Why don't you just shake hands and play nice? Ow! I didn't know the Spanish were so strong.
Call off the fight, Carlton not.
HE CHUCKLES I'll go get him checked in.
Mmm.
Can I have a word, please, sir? Mmm.
Sir, we've got a big problem, and you need to sort something out before Juliet Um Is that who I think it is? Who booked him in? What's the problem? You arrived late to the morning meeting, so you have no idea that we also have Fernando Gomez booked in this weekend.
Fernando who? You don't follow sport, then? Not really.
Oh.
Fernando Gomez is Morrison's opponent in the big fight this weekend.
We've got both boxers staying here? Fantastic! Sam, you're not getting it.
They can't both be here.
Morrison has to go.
Jules? Jules, hello! Carlton, what are you doing here? It was Carlton who phoned me for the rooms.
He's Morrison's manager.
If you're staying here, we should all get together for a meal, talk about old times.
I work here, actually.
What? You work with Sam? No Oh, no! What's so funny? No offence, but the best thing you two ever did was get away from each other.
Now you're working together? Yeah, and it's going pretty well.
Good.
Well, I just hope I'm not around when it all goes tits up again.
Funny you should mention you not being around Why don't you get yourself checked into the room and we'll have a catch-up drink later? CARLTON CHUCKLES Sam.
Carlton and Morrison cannot stay here.
Why not? Because at this stage with a fight, boxers are programmed to kill their opponent on sight.
If either finds out the other's here, they'll murder each other.
He has to go.
I can't throw him out.
I owe him.
What? Money? When we split up, I was in a mess.
He was there for me.
So he broke out the whisky and tissues and now you're honour-bound to help him out? Why do you dislike him so much? It might be to do with his mentioning every one of your past conquests in his best man speech, or the fact that your golf weekends away lasted till Tuesday.
I can't throw him out.
I thought we agreed that I was going to run this hotel.
OK.
Cards on the table.
I spoke to Michael this morning.
Hotel Babylon's all I have left.
Everything else has gone.
Everything? Which means I'm staying put.
But together, we can make a real go of this place, make some serious money.
What do you say? This is not what we agreed to, Sam.
The answer I'm looking for is "yes".
And the answer you're getting is "maybe".
I can work with "maybe".
You're being issued with timetables for both the boxing camps.
Any deviations from the itineraries by either party and you need to contact me, Sam or Tony, ASAP.
You all know the score.
These two groups must never meet.
Understand? Never.
Muchas gracias, senor.
De nada.
Gracias.
Tony! Let me wish you luck, eh? Si.
Beat this Pitbull man, eh? Hey, hey.
Kill him if you have to! Do it for Spain.
GOMEZ GROWLS It's OK.
Go.
GASPING Mr Gomez? Mr Morrison? There's a message from the venue.
Time to go.
Well, thank you, gentlemen.
Have SQUEALS .
.
a good day.
Right, do something.
Ah, Mr Morrison.
If I could break with protocol for one minute and, um ask you to sign this napkin for me? I didn't take you for a fight fan.
I love a good scrap, me.
If you could write, "To James, love from " Or just "from" would be fine.
You don't have a bicycle stand? This is a five-star hotel.
So? So couriers go round the back.
There's nowhere to put my bike? Don't tempt me, mate.
I'll just have to take it in, then.
At the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious - on yer bike.
I am Robert Carrick, environmental officer from City Hall.
I believe I'm expected.
Congratulations.
You've just failed test number one.
Mr Carrick, welcome to Hotel Babylon.
I'm Emily James, head of PR.
We are delighted to have you with us today.
I did ask for somewhere to store my bicycle.
Oh, that's easy.
Tony, bike.
Of course.
I imagine you're a man who likes to hit the ground running, so I've set up the most energy-efficient route around the hotel, taking in all the key areas - bedrooms I thought I'd take him to the Trocadero Centre, and then get him a burger or something for lunch.
No.
No, no, no.
He can't leave the hotel without us.
We also advocate a strictly organic diet.
No processed foods.
I think he's lactose intolerant.
Ed thinks that I'm too fussy but "Fussy" wasn't the word I used, sweetness.
So I recommend a limited amount of dairy-based foodstuffs, chocolate being an absolute no-no until after 4.
00, where he's allowed two squares max.
And we all know that fizzy drinks are the quickest way to tooth decay.
And crisps are poison! Now, before I forget, I need you to sign this.
It's just a straightforward confidentiality agreement.
Oh! I don't know.
No, it's routine.
All our staff sign one.
It might conflict with the contract I have with the hotel.
SHE WEEPS I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Just when I thought it was going to work.
Darling, what I'm sorry.
I I couldn't think of putting him in the hands of a stranger.
I could do it without the agreement.
It's impossible.
Just call that manager woman and tell her to cancel the party.
Darling ERIN WEEPS Darling, please stop it.
We'll sort something out.
ERIN SOBS BITTERLY OK! I'll sign.
Thanks.
It's all yours.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A buck an ear! SHE GASPS Ta-da! OK, come on, hit me as hard as you like, eh? Gino feel nothing, eh? I wasn't ready.
INAUDIBLE Come here.
What am I supposed to do? Oh, educate yourself.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Why am I always the last to hear? I'll talk to Chef.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Hello.
I'm Anna.
I know.
Darren.
Was James OK? I just saw him talking to you.
Oh, yeah.
He's in a bad mood about the boxers.
They want protein drinks, raw eggs and raw liver.
He never likes it when people mess with the food.
Right.
OK.
Listen, you might find some of the staff have been a little bit weird with you today.
That's because of me.
Um, it's it's a funny story, but they were pestering me to tell them who the father of my baby is, and I SHE LAUGHS .
.
I told them it's you, which is just ridiculous, I know, because as if I would .
.
with you! That would Urgh, no! Anyway, if anyone asks, just say that you are the dad, OK? Cool, cool.
OK.
Um quick, now, tell a joke.
I don't know any.
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY Oh, you! Oooh! Oooh, you're strong.
SHE GIGGLES All right Ohhh.
MUTTERS EXCITEDLY Go.
Now go.
Oooh, bye! Love you! What do we have in here? Er, Anna, sorry about the sweepstake thing.
That was pretty pretty tactless.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Yeah.
But you're OK? Yeah, I'm OK.
You know, I I'm having trouble understanding how you, of all people, got yourself into this situation.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
I do, too, sometimes.
Hmm.
So obviously he's the one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought he was.
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY Well, Darren's a nice guy.
Yes, Darren.
Yes.
Oooh, he's lovely.
Ohhh! Lovely Darren.
Yeah.
Ohhh! SHE GIGGLES, HE CHUCKLES Did she say anything? And is he the dad? Well, she didn't say that he's not.
The refrigeration system could do with an overhaul to lower emissions.
I've already booked an engineer to have a look at all the machinery.
Have you? Yes, well, the ventilation's inadequate, the insulation is patchy and the lighting is uneconomical.
You see, we take green issues very seriously at Hotel Babylon and I am determined to make improvements as and when I feel they're necessary.
Shall we? Hmm.
Looks like somebody's after your job.
Hmm? You did make sure there wasn't a small boy here before you sat down, didn't you? Oh! Have you seen a small boy with big hair? I think I saw him What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?! Oh, God! Playing PSP.
And you shouldn't swear.
I was worried sick.
You weren't when you dumped me in the lobby.
Do you think it's funny, running off like that? I didn't run.
I walked.
Oh! What would your parents say if they knew I lost you? So it's my parents you're worried about, not me? Yes, of course.
They're famous.
You're rubbish with kids, eh? And you're rubbish with adults.
That's because adults ARE rubbish.
Yeah, well, everyone is.
Get used to it - I had to.
I suppose you'll want this back.
I'm not gonna agree, Erin! I'm his mother! I'm his bloody dad! So what? What's going on? They're arguing about their divorce.
The divorce?! ED: I can look after him as well as you! What? Like you did when I was in Barcelona? You are such a cow! Are they always like this? Most times.
And you just have to listen? I didn't want to still be debating this at our bloody party, Ed! Then agree to 50/50 custody and we can go and give all our friends the full happy Martyns experience! Just agree to it.
What? So you can squeeze me out? You are so paranoid! And you're a scheming cow! Should I? It wasn't me who had the first affair, sweetheart! And it wasn't me who had the slutting last! Hello! Um Just thought I'd let you know that we're back, and, um I'm just going to go, so you guys just and I'll, um, see you tomorrow.
Um just a second.
This might be a good moment to remind you that you have actually signed a confidentiality agreement.
She knows that! Yeah? I know that.
Mm-hm? Why are you such a cow?! Because I've been married to you for 12 years! God, I hate you! Would you like me to take you somewhere else? It's OK.
I'm used to it.
I'm sorry for being horrible to you today.
You were just being yourself, right? Yeah.
No taste! The state of you! The bloody state of you! You vile pink bitch! You slimy Oh! As you can see, there are notices in every bathroom telling guests to re-use their towels.
And we all know that's less about saving the planet and more about saving your laundry bills.
The cleaning products you have are chock-full of petrochemicals and phosphates and are so crammed with unbiodegradable oils and lards So what do I do? I would suggest a very large bonfire.
CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT It's the Morrison party back from the Ivy.
And where's Gomez? Safely sat up in his room.
It's a code green.
Oh, no! It's OK.
It's OK.
What the hell are you doing here? I stay here.
What are you doing here? I'm here to put your lights out, Mr Gomez! And I'm here to castrate the Pitbull, cabron.
Do something.
What? OK, gentlemen, let's keep a lid on it, nice and friendly.
You know, save it for the ring, eh? THUMPING AND GRUNTING Hey! You're dead Wait, stop! Out of the way.
Shut up! Someone get a doctor! You should've punched! Yes.
We need to contain this, keep it out of the press.
OK, I'll go and find Emily.
ANGRY VOICES RECEDE What happens if it's broken? Then the fight gets cancelled, people lose a shitload of money, and I hate to say this, but this hotel is up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
Come on, Carlton! "Come on" what, Sam? Seriously, you booked both boxers into the same hotel! If this didn't hurt so much, I'd deal with you myself.
I didn't know Gomez was staying here till after you'd arrived.
And you couldn't tell us then? You'd have felt you had to leave.
You're a moron! I'd rather have been given the choice and have left because, frankly, with the purse, the sponsorship, the television, the advertising revenue alone, we stand to lose several million pounds, all of which I've got to try and recoup.
So I'm gonna have to sue this hotel.
Look, I know I messed up, but this could ruin me.
Sam, seriously mate, this is business, yeah? Pure and simple.
Anyway, first things first - I need to get Don's hand X-rayed.
I'll arrange it.
Oh, hey, hey, big lady! "Big lady"? Dear me.
I've awakened the beast inside.
No, you are not a big lady.
You are a tiny little rose with a little baby inside.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Here.
What's this? This is the Mexican AA.
The Mexican AA? Si.
No alcohol, but spicy flavour.
OK.
Oh! You lost your cherry.
Here.
So what happened? Oh.
The scars of war.
Lucky for Tony that Gino was there to help him out, eh? Come on, tell Gino.
You have a baby on the way.
Why are you not blooming like a big, ripe tomato? It just it just hit me that I'm having a baby.
I knew that I was having a baby, but I just realised that I'm, like, actually having a baby.
Like, I'm going to have a baby.
I don't have anything ready.
I don't have a nursery, I haven't got any nappies.
I went out to buy a cot the other day and I came back with new shoes.
How are new shoes - even gorgeous ones They're velvet and have diamante heels.
.
.
how are they going to help my baby? And what sort of a well-dressed mother does that make me? Look, nobody is good with kids until they actually have kids.
I have a son, you know? Yeah, I know - little Gino.
Oh, no, no, this is another one, in Barcelona.
He's 12.
Cristiano.
Do they not have sex education in Spain? Oh, yes.
I was a young waiter in a hotel.
A ladies' man, you know? No, I can't picture that.
Well, Martha pictured it.
She was the waitress and we did the naked mambo underneath a bloody red moon.
God! But I get the wanderlust again, I move off to pastures new.
I didn't know about him until four years ago, when my sister got absolutely bladdered at a party and blurt it out.
What did you do when you found out? What could I do, eh? She has robbed me of the chance of being his father.
Is that how you feel, that you were robbed? Every child needs his father.
And every father needs his child.
A man has a right to know the truth, eh? But but you're OK.
You have your father.
You have Darren.
He be very good for bringing sandwiches.
A waiter.
Very useful.
As you can see, we already have an extensive recycling system in place, so shall we move on? Wait! This was in with the brown glass.
Looks like I'm going to have to dig a lot deeper.
Ooh! I hope you've got rubber gloves.
"ROCKY THEME" PLAYS RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC ENDS So what's she like, eh? Who? Anna.
I bet she's like a dark-haired Venus, eh? Yeah.
Like a tigress, eh? Yeah, it was electric.
No hanky-panky, eh? Otherwise you'll have Gino to answer to, eh? OK? Right.
OK.
Go.
Sam, I need to speak to you urgently about the Green Pillow man.
What's he still doing here? Well, as the day's gone on, he's got harder and harder to please.
What do you want me to do about it? Well, talk to him.
I mean, it will help the restaurant.
Oh, joy Red snapper.
Where's that from? The Gulf of Mexico, I believe.
There's also some great British produce, right, James? The odd cheese, I suppose.
Australian barramundi.
New Zealand lamb.
Oh, I see you're offering mangosteen from Thailand.
It's an extensive menu of fine dining.
An extensive global menu that's clocking up the air miles and CO2 emissions.
I think you'll find we're no more profligate than any other Michelin-starred restaurant, Mr Carrick.
Which is no excuse for complacency.
Oh, I can see I'm gonna be here for some considerable time.
I suppose I should find somewhere nearby to stay overnight.
Why don't we organise a room for you here? I don't think so! We're eager to facilitate this process in any way we can.
Well Have the room for as long as you like.
Emily, if you'd like to get Mr Carrick checked in.
Superior room.
Yes.
This way, please, Mr Carrick.
Checking up on me? No, I I just came to apologise.
It was a crappy thing I did and I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I quite enjoyed people thinking I was the dad.
It felt good.
Well, I'm going to tell everyone you're not and let you off the hook.
You don't have to.
I mean, I've been playing along.
It's cool.
Really? All right.
Well, er just don't get any weird ideas, OK? OK, darling.
Too much, right? WAY too much.
Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES Whoo! "ROCKY THEME" PLAYS Want some more, eh? Want some more of Gino the Bull? In the red corner, the Bull! Round two.
Pow! Pow! Look at the Bull go.
Look at him go.
He's gonna kill him.
He'll kill him.
Bah! Bah! Dah! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! MUSIC WINDS DOWN CLEARS THROAT So, I heard about the brawl in reception.
Somebody said that you were What was it? .
.
slapping like a girl.
What? Look, I'll have you know, when I was a young man, I was a boxer, eh? Punched in the head repeatedly as a youth.
Explains a lot.
Emily, what room is that inspector in? Oh 301.
Why? Thought so.
Room service.
Lobster? Green-lipped mussels? Mozambique lobster, Norwegian mussels and a very fine French champagne.
You look closely, the cracks always start to show.
I am gonna have him monitored overnight.
But everyone's got secrets.
Good night.
You must have some dirt to dish on them.
I can't tell you.
But you tell me everything.
Hang on.
What's that? Well, they made me sign a confidentiality agreement, so if I do one with you, then I can tell you anything, right? Bring it on.
OK.
OK.
Now spill the beans.
The Martyns are getting a divorce.
No! Yeah.
No! Can I help you, madam? I'm sure you could.
Unfortunately, I'm here to meet a friend.
If you ask at the front desk, they'll help you find him.
Thanks.
What's the world record for owning and then losing a hotel? Whatever it is, I'm sure you're in the running.
Given the chance, I could've made a pretty good fist of this place.
Come on, Sam, you've been down before.
Yeah, but I've usually had some assets tucked away somewhere before.
But this time You've always loved a challenge.
Carlton says that's why I married you.
And Carlton's a real expert on relationships, isn't he? You've really got it in for him, haven't you? He made a pass at me when we were married.
When? You were in Scandinavia trying to get that bottled water business off the ground and he called round and took me out.
I think he thought as he'd forked out for dinner that I owed him something.
And on that happy note .
.
I'm gonna get some sleep.
You don't fancy another? No.
I'll see you tomorrow.
HE SIGHS ERIN HUFFS I thought we were gonna have a moratorium on this subject for the duration of the party.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Sweep it under the carpet.
We're never gonna agree about custody, are we? Well, not until you stop trying to screw me over, no! Please, don't use the word "screw" in relation to you and I.
It makes me feel unwell.
You're trying to reduce the amount of time I get to spend with Tyler, which I will not stand for, you poisonous Hi.
Matt! Jody! Glad you could make it.
Hi! Oh, lipstick, sorry.
Catch up with you in a bit.
I will never back down over this.
That's why I made a decision last night.
About what? I've had an offer from the US to set up a media branch of our business there.
Phoned my lawyers first thing this morning, told them it was a goer.
Hi.
Glad you could make it.
Sergio! Come vai? Tutto posto? Great to see you.
Tyler and I will be splitting our time between here and the States.
Been planning this all along, haven't you? You selfish, conniving bitch! Oh, I'm so glad you could come! Hi, Jacob! What a surprise.
I didn't think you'd make it.
Great to see you.
CHATTER One, two, three, four, and four more.
DRUM ROLL, UPBEAT MUSIC ALL CHEER AND LAUGH The hand is definitely fractured? Afraid so.
So I'm gonna have to instruct my lawyers to start legal proceedings against the hotel.
Don't do this.
I don't have a choice.
Carlton, we've been friends for years.
Listen, Sam, there is no way I can absorb these costs myself, OK? And the bottom line is you messed up.
All right, look, the only possible alternative I can think of is if we come to some agreement.
Settle out of court? Did you have a figure in mind? It's gotta be a figure I'm happy with.
Of course it has.
Hey, Jules, I'm reaching out here.
You're all heart I'm the wronged bloody party! Tell me something I DON'T know.
OK, can I make a suggestion? Can I suggest you piss off and let Sam and I deal with this ourselves? Did you just tell Juliet to piss off? Yes, I did.
Sound advice.
Why don't I make a suggestion? If you're gonna sue me, then let's do it through the proper channels.
Sam, you are making a HUGE mistake.
No, I made a huge mistake thinking you were someone I could trust.
DOOR CLOSES So it's only fair that I keep you all in the loop.
We may well be taken to court over this, and if we are, it could turn nasty.
I don't remember seeing Morrison throw a punch.
What? Well, I'm trying to work out when he actually hurt his hand, and I don't remember seeing him throw a right.
Look, he must have done.
He's soft, anyway.
I shook his hand when he first arrive, and he cry like a baby.
Gino is, er, stronger than he know.
Show me how you shook it.
Like this.
Oh! Yeah, OK, that's like a limp lettuce.
Hey! How could that have hurt him? CRIES OUT He had it cocked, but he never actually threw it.
What, you're an expert on boxing, all of a sudden? I had an ex-boyfriend who was a boxer.
You went out with a boxer? I didn't go into a nunnery after our divorce.
What was he? Middleweight? Light welter? Does it matter? No.
Not to me.
No.
Do you think that Morrison hurt his hand before he got here? There's a good chance, yeah.
Ah! Carlton, just the man we wanted to see.
Notified your lawyers yet? We thought we'd give you a chance to explain yourself first.
Explain myself? Is this your pathetic attempt to try and wheedle out of being sued? No, it's our way of saying we know what you did.
When did you injure your hand, Don? It wasn't last night, was it? Seriously, you are wasting your time.
Something to hide, Carlton? You knew Gomez was staying here before you came, didn't you? What did Carlton tell you? What did he offer you to carry out the con? All right, look, I want you out of my room now.
It's not your room, it's mine.
Not for much longer, mate, if things go my way.
I understand why a devious slug like Carlton would do this, but you don't strike me as a dishonest person.
I'm not.
You're a champion, a great sportsman.
You believe in fair play! Oh, please! Don think about this very carefully.
Remember what's at stake.
Carlton's priorities lie solely with himself.
When did you injure your hand? Honestly.
A month ago.
I'll call Jake Samuels, see where we stand media-wise.
Juliet, it's started.
I've already been fielding calls from the press about a brawl in a hotel.
Then organise a press conference for Don Morrison to appease the journos for the time being.
OK.
Emily! Sorry.
Did you have a chance to tell Sam about our eco-warrior's room service order? Yes.
Has anything else happened? Well, he had told me that he wanted to do a random inspection today.
Which is odd, because Tanya says he hasn't taken the "do not disturb" sign off his door.
Fine.
We should disturb him.
LOCK BEEPS Mr Carrick? He's used every towel in the hotel.
The air conditioning's on full blast.
Windows are open.
You are so clever, squeezing a whole night out of them! SQUEALING AND GIGGLING Oh! You had me running round like a blue-arsed fly, and for what? I really am sorry, but you should see some of the dumps I usually have to inspect.
I just thought one night of luxury to compensate for the other 300-odd spent in lumpy beds with migraine-inducing wallpaper.
So what are you going to rate us? I think I can guarantee you a four-point rating.
Huh! No-one gets five! SQUEALS Thanks.
Now, I'm not going to bore you with a long speech.
I'm going to bore you with a short one instead.
POLITE LAUGHTER Thank you.
Thank you, thank you all for coming and sharing this bleakest of moments where Ed and I topple headlong into our 40s.
Argh! LAUGHTER Talking of whom, thanks, Ed, for 12 glorious years of marriage.
And to our terrific son, Tyler.
Aw! I love you both very, very much.
Now, as you all know, Ed's a bit of a nerd - a poetry nerd.
So I asked him to write us a bit of a poem for our birthday, and in a moment of utter madness and with the promise of various sexual favours, he agreed.
So before he becomes too incapable, over to you, darling! Darling.
Yes, darling.
Thank you, darling.
CLEARS THROAT "The end of love should be a big event.
"It should involve the hiring of a hall.
"Why the hell not? It happens to us all.
"Why should it pass without acknowledgement? "Suits should be dry-cleaned, invitations sent.
"Whatever form it takes - a tiff, a brawl - "The end of love should be a big event.
"It should involve the hiring of a hall " ERIN LAUGHS ".
.
Better than the unquestioning descent "Into the trap of silence, than the crawl "From visible to hidden, from door to wall.
" Thank you.
As you've probably gathered, that's not one of mine.
It's by Sophie Hannah.
A little more appropriate, though.
Let's give him a great big round of applause.
He likes those.
Ed? KNOCKING Tyler! I told him to come back inside, but he wouldn't.
What? Blahhh! Ed, what on earth are you doing? Stay there.
You're missing the party.
Good.
I hate parties.
Where's Erin? She's downstairs still.
Pouring oil on troubled waters? CHUCKLES That's my girl.
Why don't you go back downstairs Stay there! Save the full-blown breakdown for tomorrow morning.
She's toying with me.
I don't stand a chance of getting custody, because between her and her hot-shot lawyers, she'll freeze me out.
So how is being drunk and abusive gonna help your cause? Ed, be careful! This is the seventh floor, for God's sake! What, between the devil and the deep blue sea? Argh! Ed! I'm just testing you.
How many of those have you got? What's wrong with him? He's just a little bit tired and emotional, that's all.
Right, Ed? Tired is right.
Sick and bloody tired.
Ed! Mum! Tyler! Oh, right on cue! He's a selfish sod.
I'm gonna kill him.
You stay in there, you! What the hell are you doing? And what was all that about downstairs? Have you any idea how hard it's been convincing people nothing's wrong? Then don't.
We agreed how we were gonna work this.
But it's all bullshit! Well, this is it, Ed.
Yeah? The end.
Please! Don't do this! Yes, the bitter bloody end.
You're a selfish bastard.
So you're calling ME selfish? Yes, I bloody am.
Right, stop! Just stop it now! All I've heard from both of you is how bad YOU'RE feeling and what YOU want.
But there is another person caught in the middle of this and if you'd stop for one second to think what HE wants or how HE'S feeling Because I've been with Tyler less than 12 hours, and I can see that this is making him miserable.
It is making you all really miserable.
He doesn't understand what's going on.
Oh, no, yes, he does, because he's had to listen to you every day for months! He understands better than you two idiots.
So just talk to him.
Find out what HE wants before it's too late.
I know the first thing he wants is for you to get off that bloody wall.
Get down! Right, now, get in! Now, sit down.
Now talk.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Welcome, everyone.
I think we all agree that it's been an incredibly frustrating and disappointing 24 hours for boxing fans and for Mr Morrison in particular.
He has a prepared statement that he'd like to read out.
I apologise to Fernando and his team, to my team, and most of all, to the fans.
I'm a fighter.
All I want to do is fight.
And I let myself be misled by a bad manager and I'm really sorry.
HE CRIES HE SOBS Thank you very much.
Oh! .
.
Which means we aren't going to America, so I can see Dad when I like.
Well, that's good.
If they're not happy, they should split up, right? Yeah.
I think so.
Here, you should have this - for when it gets too much in reception.
Thank you very much.
Is it a boy or a girl? Do you know, I have no idea.
Whatever it is, it's lucky.
Why do you say that? Because it'll have a good mum.
Do you think so? If it all goes wrong with the dad, promise you won't stay together just for the kid.
OK, I promise.
You sure you're only 11? Right, so how do we kill zombies? Yeah, so maybe we're missing a trick here.
I mean, after we release the news of the divorce, we could rebrand, become The Ed Martyn And Erin King Show, aimed at the newly separated parent.
Looking at how you nurture as single parents, seeing both points of view.
That's good.
I'll phone Pete, set up a meeting.
Great.
Actually, it's very, very good.
I think you may need this a little bit longer.
I do hope you enjoyed your stay, Mr Carrick.
It's been such a pleasure.
Um, aren't you forgetting something, Mr Carrick? 'Running a hotel is no walk in the park, believe me.
'It takes dedication, application and above all, admitting your mistakes.
' I thought you were keen to gain that certificate.
What's it gonna do except attract a lot more picky people in organic socks and edible shoes? Oh, hear, hear! OK, everyone, let's get back to work.
Sorry.
I really think this could work, don't you? You need to get to meetings on time, run new ideas past me first, be open and straight about any planned changes and let me run my team.
Does that mean you're gonna stay? For the time being.
Thank you.
There's a long way to go, Sam.
Don't thank me yet.
'When all's said and done, we need to learn to ask for help if we need it.
' I just wanted to say if you need anyone to be around for you and the baby .
.
someone to get things, go to the shops, buy nappies and stuff.
What, like a servant? I suppose.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Er, thank you .
.
for making me the dad.
Tea, milk, no sugar.
Yeah? What you think? He the daddy? I think I'd put you higher up my hit list, and that's saying something.
Oh.
You all right? Yes.
It's kicking.
Here.
So are you ready to come clean yet? What? I mean, we all know that Darren's not the dad.
And as I am the most trustworthy and reliable person here, and because you're dying to tell somebody .
.
why don't you tell me? 'Because it's all very well being strong and self-reliant, 'but some secrets are impossible to keep.
' OK.
OK.
Who is Harold Kelly? Harold stole 12 cut emeralds which he claims he hid somewhere in the hotel.
It's a hoax.
You really think there's buried treasure here? I don't like the look of you.
You remind me of Errol Flynn.
Bastard! You sure you'll be OK? Got ages to go.
Oh! My waters just broke! Two men have been killed in the hotel.
SCREAMS I've come home to die.
But there's so much to live for.
Where are you? You ain't half picked a day for it.
Just need a bit of time just to get my head round all of this.
This is Sam Franklin.
I was married to him.
Anna, let me help.
What?! I was after the manager.
You're looking at her.
BANG, SCREAMING Where is the sweepstake? I want to make bet.
I found your little sweepstake.
You can get off me now.
Don't you get that you just being here is confusing the hell out of me? Last night I made some calls to Tokyo and I'm pleased to inform you I'm now the proud owner of Hotel Babylon.
'A week ago I was in charge of a range of global businesses, 'living the dream.
'Now I'm waiting to find out what's left of it.
'The one asset I know I still own is Hotel Babylon.
'But what do I know about hotels, I hear you ask.
Well 'I've stayed in plenty, and with a CV like mine, 'running a hotel should be a walk in the park.
'I've been handling people all my life.
'I know how to make them happy.
' When the owner guaranteed you tickets, he failed to appreciate the popularity of the show.
Or the lateness of the hour.
What is it? A slug.
It's also a classic con.
You eat 95% of your meal, then you put a grub on the plate and complain.
Sam fell for it.
He gave them vouchers for a free dinner.
Morning.
Did you get the tickets? Great.
Thank you, thank you.
Morning, morning.
'No-one could say that Sam Franklin ever let them down.
' Sam.
I've got to take a shower.
I'll be right back down.
'As owner, your job's simple - 'make sure everyone feels valued and appreciated.
' Sam, I need you to sign off some ideas I've had on improving the profile of the hospitality areas.
Now's not a good time Michael.
I tidy your room special, so now it is Yes, just give me a sec, Tanya.
Yep.
.
.
clean.
Give it to me straight.
What have I got left? Hotel Babylon is definitely all I have? I'll call you later.
'And if life throws you a curve ball, 'your job is to pick yourself up, smile and get on with it.
' SHOWER RUNS You roll with the punches and you fight back.
I running late because I was getting ready.
For what? Your coming-out ball? This my first meeting as head of housekeeping.
I make effort.
Head of housekeeping? Mr Sam promote me.
Wow! Queen of the cleaners(!) Hi.
Well, you'll be pleased to know you missed my "happy to be general manager" speech, but the key points were that I welcome chocolate gifts and I love a good party.
Me too! Oh, we're SO going to get on.
On the off-chance that you may tire of another ten-minute monologue from me, I'd like to open it to the floor.
So, what have we got this weekend? As I'm sure you're all aware, we have Ed and Erin Martyn staying with us.
Oh, great How could we forget, when that's all you talk about? Well, I would suggest that the lifestyle gurus and TV celebrities are our premier guests.
Chef and I have already looked over their own recipe books and come up with some additional ideas for their joint birthday dinner.
Their stuff's wholesome, family food.
You doing wild-bean casserole and brown bread-and-butter pudding? James run this event like a military exercise.
"Gino, I want a bit of this.
" "Gino, I want a bit of that.
" "Gino, I want a bit of the other.
" And everything in the restaurant has to close at 5.
05 because Mr Slick Pants here, he wants to watch The Ed And Erin Show.
What good have they ever done anyone, eh? They've changed the way that civilians live their lives, that's all! Absolutely - bringing back old-fashioned values, home cooking and family meals.
I think they're evil.
SHE GASPS What? They appear as the perfect family and make everyone else feel inadequate.
We've also got the European heavyweight challenger staying - Fernando Gomez.
Now you talking about somebody who change lives, eh? I thought he just rearranged faces.
Yeah, he going to rearrange your British challenger's face, that's for sure.
Spain going to smash Great Britain, eh? Boxing in gloves is for women.
Real men fight with bare fists and teeth! I think that two men thumping each other for entertainment is just repulsive.
Well, you don't need to worry about that.
There's not going to be much thumping.
Just a quick bang, bang from Gomez, and your boy Morrison, on his back.
Last time out, Morrison destroyed Helmut Schneider, and Gomez has yet to face a southpaw.
What? You think I shouldn't know about boxing because I'm a woman? Yes.
SHE LAUGHS Morning.
Sorry, this is a staff meeting.
Yeah.
And you're here because? Looking good, Tanya.
My first contribution is an initiative from City Hall.
Leading up to the 2012 Olympics, they're seeing how eco-friendly hospitality businesses are, checking their carbon footprints, etc.
Well, we already have pretty good green credentials.
Well, I for one always recycle my make-up containers.
Another small country saved(!) It's called the Green Pillow Scheme and I've arranged for someone from their office to do an on-site inspection today.
Today?! Well as Emily says, we've already got great credentials.
He or she will just turn up, tick the relevant boxes, award us top marks.
Anyone fancy taking it on? Me, me! It's all media hype, whipping up hysteria.
I think it's a key issue, actually.
Passion.
That's what I like to hear.
Thank you, Emily.
Inspector will turn up sometime this morning.
OK, that's it.
People don't come to a five-star hotel to wonder whether we're recycling their shampoo bottles or using eco-friendly mouthwash.
Do I take it you're not a jolly green giant, then, James? Not a jolly green anything at the moment.
It's a bandwagon.
I need to book four rooms for a friend of mine this weekend.
Superior rooms.
We're fully booked.
Just do the Rubik's shuffle.
Twist, move and rearrange.
Bring two guests up from the third to the sixth floor, two from the sixth to the fourth.
That frees up rooms on the fifth and third floor.
So move one person from the first up to the sixth floor, one from the sixth to the third floor.
That frees up rooms on the fourth, fifth and third floor.
Fill them with people from the seventh and you've got four superior rooms available.
What she said.
The guest's name's Foreman, Carlton Foreman.
Put it back, Tyler.
GASPS Oh! Is it coming?! No.
THEY are.
Mr and Mrs Martyn, I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Hello.
How do you do? Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
We're delighted to have you.
We're delighted to be here.
Aren't we? Mm-hm.
Well, if you'd like to take a seat, we'll bring you over a complimentary drink while we check you in.
I'd love to see where the party's gonna be.
You want to stay here and get a drink? I want to stay with you.
Aw! 12 years of marriage and she still can't get enough of me.
Oh, stop.
HE LAUGHS We have your payment details, so here are your key cards, Mr and Mrs Martyn.
Annie, do you want to take Tyler up to the room? Can I just say I'm a massive fan? The item you did last week about the mind-blowing holiday disasters it was mind-blowing.
The herd of cows, cliff-top caravan Yeah.
So when are you due? Oh, um about a month.
Ed loved it when I was pregnant.
Well, there's nothing more amazing than a pregnant woman.
Yeah, you should try it from this side.
Oh, if he could've had Tyler himself, he would have.
All the scans, the check-ups, the prenatal classes - I couldn't get enough.
I hope your fella's pulling his weight.
Yeah er he is.
Mr and Mrs Martyn, shall we? Great.
Bye.
Bye.
Feel like I've just met royalty.
I'm going to be sick.
What? Go over this list and be ready to answer any questions the inspector may have.
It's like being back at school.
How would you know? Come on.
Who's the Anna-baby-father frontrunner? No frontrunners, but about 700 SHE WAILS Cover it.
Maybe I should just ask for the weekend off.
What's up? She's had her first brush with the country's most famous family.
They made you feel rubbish? Well, they noticed the bump, asked her about the dad, and then she threw up.
Welcome to parenthood.
Most of the time you feel ill-equipped, inadequate, and the rest of the time you feel nauseous.
Talking of parenthood, none of you saw Anna's baby scan pictures.
Can we see? EXCITED MURMURING Look, you can see its little fingers.
Oh! OK, now, looks like it's got James's nose, but that's impossible.
What about the chin? The head shape reminds me of You remember the guy with the dark hair? Who? He works with whatshisname.
Who? I thought that you'd stopped taking bets.
Well, we did.
We had.
But we start again.
I thought you were genuinely interested in the baby, but you're not, you just want to win some stupid bet.
From now on, just don't even look at me.
Anna, it's just a bit of fun.
No.
It's not.
Oh, come on, Anna, just give us some clues.
Is the father tall? Is he dark haired? Is he black? Is he someone we know? Put us out of our misery.
OK, fine.
You really want to know who the father is? Yes.
You really, really want me to tell you? ALL: Yes! You want me to come out and say who the father is? Yes! Yes! OK, fine! It's him! All right?! Which means I win the money! So I take it darkness and alcohol played their part in your coupling with Darren the waiter.
Why? Is he not good-looking? He's OK, but ordinary looks coupled with no money measures somewhere between the Elephant Man and Quasimodo on your scale.
Hey, you.
You have rooms.
Yes? Booked or not, you've got them.
Fernando.
Usted es verdadero el campeon del pueblo.
Usted es el corazon y alma de Espana.
Hombre! Come on! What you doing? Hey! I your biggest fan! I just want to shake your hand! Mr Gomez.
I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
Hola.
I'm so sorry about the fan, and I guarantee he won't pester you again, but he is actually our bar manager, so we may need him.
Rafael! Si.
Gabriel! Es barman aqui.
OK? Mm-hm.
Fernando! I still your biggest fan, eh? PHONE RINGS Hello, reception.
Anna Thornton-Wilton speaking.
'Another one's gone.
' Who is this? 'She's gone.
' So have you had au pairs walk out on you before? Loads of times.
I know looking after someone else's kid is a thankless job, but it's hardly rocket science, is it? "What do you want for breakfast, lunch? "Want to go to the park? Here's your dinner.
Get to bed!" It's easy.
You're funny.
Funny ha-ha or funny weird? Weird, definitely.
OK.
Let's get you back to your mummy and daddy now.
I'm 11, not two.
Yeah, whatever.
No.
Let me phone our office and check out the hopsack-weave linen we featured in our last book.
I think it's going to give the room a much more homely feel.
You're the expert on homely.
Yeah.
The chef thought the risotto al funghi would be a more appropriate accompaniment to the lighter antipasti choices.
It all sounds good, James.
I know nothing about wine.
Never touch the stuff.
So I'm leaving the choices to your Spanish sommelier.
Our who? Oh, our barman.
I've called him many things, but a sommelier? No, no, no.
THEY LAUGH Hey, small fry.
What's been happening? Your nanny's walked out on you.
What? Yeah.
Tyler rang down to reception and I saw her walking out of the door.
Oh, no! What are we going to do? Er, well, we'll just have to keep Tyler with us for the weekend.
What? While we pull a TV programme together? While we talk to scriptwriters and producers? He'll be bored, Ed.
Jesus, I'm bored talking to them, and I'm an adult! Darling, we'll sort something.
So what are we gonna do? We've got all our friends coming to a party! Darling, relax.
We'll just have to cancel.
We won't have to cancel.
Maybe we could help.
How? Well, I could ask a member of staff to look after Tyler, give you time to sort something else out long term.
So do you have, like, a child-minding thing here? No, but How about Anna? Me? Yes.
You've forged a relationship with Tyler? No.
No, not really.
And you could do with the practice.
Yeah.
SHE SOBS And it would be much less taxing for you than standing up for eight-hour shifts.
I can lean.
Oh, God.
Tyler? Tyler, what do you think? Yeah, Tyler.
Do you want a bossy, weird woman looking after you? Why not? Great.
That's sorted, then.
Thanks.
Now, this risotto.
I don't like risotto.
I think we should have fish.
Tough life, being an owner.
I'm sorry, did I miss the memo about the Neanderthal look-alike competition here today? That's no ordinary Neanderthal.
That's Don "Pitbull" Morrison and his entourage.
Call security.
I want this reprobate out of here now! Oh, shut up! This man is POSING as a hotel manager.
He couldn't run a bloody bath, bloody charlatan.
BOTH LAUGH You don't call.
You don't text.
Why the hell would I call you? Good to see you, Sammy.
Listen, thanks for sorting out the rooms.
Oh, what are mates for? Anyway, so last I heard, you were in Arizona, mining uranium? Arkansas, digging for copper.
Didn't find any, so I fell into the boxing game.
Boxing? Yeah.
This is my latest charge, Don Morrison, European heavyweight champion.
What are you looking at? Just you you're not so big close up.
Are you Spanish? Si.
I hate the Spanish.
Why don't you just shake hands and play nice? Ow! I didn't know the Spanish were so strong.
Call off the fight, Carlton not.
HE CHUCKLES I'll go get him checked in.
Mmm.
Can I have a word, please, sir? Mmm.
Sir, we've got a big problem, and you need to sort something out before Juliet Um Is that who I think it is? Who booked him in? What's the problem? You arrived late to the morning meeting, so you have no idea that we also have Fernando Gomez booked in this weekend.
Fernando who? You don't follow sport, then? Not really.
Oh.
Fernando Gomez is Morrison's opponent in the big fight this weekend.
We've got both boxers staying here? Fantastic! Sam, you're not getting it.
They can't both be here.
Morrison has to go.
Jules? Jules, hello! Carlton, what are you doing here? It was Carlton who phoned me for the rooms.
He's Morrison's manager.
If you're staying here, we should all get together for a meal, talk about old times.
I work here, actually.
What? You work with Sam? No Oh, no! What's so funny? No offence, but the best thing you two ever did was get away from each other.
Now you're working together? Yeah, and it's going pretty well.
Good.
Well, I just hope I'm not around when it all goes tits up again.
Funny you should mention you not being around Why don't you get yourself checked into the room and we'll have a catch-up drink later? CARLTON CHUCKLES Sam.
Carlton and Morrison cannot stay here.
Why not? Because at this stage with a fight, boxers are programmed to kill their opponent on sight.
If either finds out the other's here, they'll murder each other.
He has to go.
I can't throw him out.
I owe him.
What? Money? When we split up, I was in a mess.
He was there for me.
So he broke out the whisky and tissues and now you're honour-bound to help him out? Why do you dislike him so much? It might be to do with his mentioning every one of your past conquests in his best man speech, or the fact that your golf weekends away lasted till Tuesday.
I can't throw him out.
I thought we agreed that I was going to run this hotel.
OK.
Cards on the table.
I spoke to Michael this morning.
Hotel Babylon's all I have left.
Everything else has gone.
Everything? Which means I'm staying put.
But together, we can make a real go of this place, make some serious money.
What do you say? This is not what we agreed to, Sam.
The answer I'm looking for is "yes".
And the answer you're getting is "maybe".
I can work with "maybe".
You're being issued with timetables for both the boxing camps.
Any deviations from the itineraries by either party and you need to contact me, Sam or Tony, ASAP.
You all know the score.
These two groups must never meet.
Understand? Never.
Muchas gracias, senor.
De nada.
Gracias.
Tony! Let me wish you luck, eh? Si.
Beat this Pitbull man, eh? Hey, hey.
Kill him if you have to! Do it for Spain.
GOMEZ GROWLS It's OK.
Go.
GASPING Mr Gomez? Mr Morrison? There's a message from the venue.
Time to go.
Well, thank you, gentlemen.
Have SQUEALS .
.
a good day.
Right, do something.
Ah, Mr Morrison.
If I could break with protocol for one minute and, um ask you to sign this napkin for me? I didn't take you for a fight fan.
I love a good scrap, me.
If you could write, "To James, love from " Or just "from" would be fine.
You don't have a bicycle stand? This is a five-star hotel.
So? So couriers go round the back.
There's nowhere to put my bike? Don't tempt me, mate.
I'll just have to take it in, then.
At the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious - on yer bike.
I am Robert Carrick, environmental officer from City Hall.
I believe I'm expected.
Congratulations.
You've just failed test number one.
Mr Carrick, welcome to Hotel Babylon.
I'm Emily James, head of PR.
We are delighted to have you with us today.
I did ask for somewhere to store my bicycle.
Oh, that's easy.
Tony, bike.
Of course.
I imagine you're a man who likes to hit the ground running, so I've set up the most energy-efficient route around the hotel, taking in all the key areas - bedrooms I thought I'd take him to the Trocadero Centre, and then get him a burger or something for lunch.
No.
No, no, no.
He can't leave the hotel without us.
We also advocate a strictly organic diet.
No processed foods.
I think he's lactose intolerant.
Ed thinks that I'm too fussy but "Fussy" wasn't the word I used, sweetness.
So I recommend a limited amount of dairy-based foodstuffs, chocolate being an absolute no-no until after 4.
00, where he's allowed two squares max.
And we all know that fizzy drinks are the quickest way to tooth decay.
And crisps are poison! Now, before I forget, I need you to sign this.
It's just a straightforward confidentiality agreement.
Oh! I don't know.
No, it's routine.
All our staff sign one.
It might conflict with the contract I have with the hotel.
SHE WEEPS I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Just when I thought it was going to work.
Darling, what I'm sorry.
I I couldn't think of putting him in the hands of a stranger.
I could do it without the agreement.
It's impossible.
Just call that manager woman and tell her to cancel the party.
Darling ERIN WEEPS Darling, please stop it.
We'll sort something out.
ERIN SOBS BITTERLY OK! I'll sign.
Thanks.
It's all yours.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A buck an ear! SHE GASPS Ta-da! OK, come on, hit me as hard as you like, eh? Gino feel nothing, eh? I wasn't ready.
INAUDIBLE Come here.
What am I supposed to do? Oh, educate yourself.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Why am I always the last to hear? I'll talk to Chef.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Hello.
I'm Anna.
I know.
Darren.
Was James OK? I just saw him talking to you.
Oh, yeah.
He's in a bad mood about the boxers.
They want protein drinks, raw eggs and raw liver.
He never likes it when people mess with the food.
Right.
OK.
Listen, you might find some of the staff have been a little bit weird with you today.
That's because of me.
Um, it's it's a funny story, but they were pestering me to tell them who the father of my baby is, and I SHE LAUGHS .
.
I told them it's you, which is just ridiculous, I know, because as if I would .
.
with you! That would Urgh, no! Anyway, if anyone asks, just say that you are the dad, OK? Cool, cool.
OK.
Um quick, now, tell a joke.
I don't know any.
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY Oh, you! Oooh! Oooh, you're strong.
SHE GIGGLES All right Ohhh.
MUTTERS EXCITEDLY Go.
Now go.
Oooh, bye! Love you! What do we have in here? Er, Anna, sorry about the sweepstake thing.
That was pretty pretty tactless.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
Yeah.
But you're OK? Yeah, I'm OK.
You know, I I'm having trouble understanding how you, of all people, got yourself into this situation.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
I do, too, sometimes.
Hmm.
So obviously he's the one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought he was.
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY Well, Darren's a nice guy.
Yes, Darren.
Yes.
Oooh, he's lovely.
Ohhh! Lovely Darren.
Yeah.
Ohhh! SHE GIGGLES, HE CHUCKLES Did she say anything? And is he the dad? Well, she didn't say that he's not.
The refrigeration system could do with an overhaul to lower emissions.
I've already booked an engineer to have a look at all the machinery.
Have you? Yes, well, the ventilation's inadequate, the insulation is patchy and the lighting is uneconomical.
You see, we take green issues very seriously at Hotel Babylon and I am determined to make improvements as and when I feel they're necessary.
Shall we? Hmm.
Looks like somebody's after your job.
Hmm? You did make sure there wasn't a small boy here before you sat down, didn't you? Oh! Have you seen a small boy with big hair? I think I saw him What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?! Oh, God! Playing PSP.
And you shouldn't swear.
I was worried sick.
You weren't when you dumped me in the lobby.
Do you think it's funny, running off like that? I didn't run.
I walked.
Oh! What would your parents say if they knew I lost you? So it's my parents you're worried about, not me? Yes, of course.
They're famous.
You're rubbish with kids, eh? And you're rubbish with adults.
That's because adults ARE rubbish.
Yeah, well, everyone is.
Get used to it - I had to.
I suppose you'll want this back.
I'm not gonna agree, Erin! I'm his mother! I'm his bloody dad! So what? What's going on? They're arguing about their divorce.
The divorce?! ED: I can look after him as well as you! What? Like you did when I was in Barcelona? You are such a cow! Are they always like this? Most times.
And you just have to listen? I didn't want to still be debating this at our bloody party, Ed! Then agree to 50/50 custody and we can go and give all our friends the full happy Martyns experience! Just agree to it.
What? So you can squeeze me out? You are so paranoid! And you're a scheming cow! Should I? It wasn't me who had the first affair, sweetheart! And it wasn't me who had the slutting last! Hello! Um Just thought I'd let you know that we're back, and, um I'm just going to go, so you guys just and I'll, um, see you tomorrow.
Um just a second.
This might be a good moment to remind you that you have actually signed a confidentiality agreement.
She knows that! Yeah? I know that.
Mm-hm? Why are you such a cow?! Because I've been married to you for 12 years! God, I hate you! Would you like me to take you somewhere else? It's OK.
I'm used to it.
I'm sorry for being horrible to you today.
You were just being yourself, right? Yeah.
No taste! The state of you! The bloody state of you! You vile pink bitch! You slimy Oh! As you can see, there are notices in every bathroom telling guests to re-use their towels.
And we all know that's less about saving the planet and more about saving your laundry bills.
The cleaning products you have are chock-full of petrochemicals and phosphates and are so crammed with unbiodegradable oils and lards So what do I do? I would suggest a very large bonfire.
CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT It's the Morrison party back from the Ivy.
And where's Gomez? Safely sat up in his room.
It's a code green.
Oh, no! It's OK.
It's OK.
What the hell are you doing here? I stay here.
What are you doing here? I'm here to put your lights out, Mr Gomez! And I'm here to castrate the Pitbull, cabron.
Do something.
What? OK, gentlemen, let's keep a lid on it, nice and friendly.
You know, save it for the ring, eh? THUMPING AND GRUNTING Hey! You're dead Wait, stop! Out of the way.
Shut up! Someone get a doctor! You should've punched! Yes.
We need to contain this, keep it out of the press.
OK, I'll go and find Emily.
ANGRY VOICES RECEDE What happens if it's broken? Then the fight gets cancelled, people lose a shitload of money, and I hate to say this, but this hotel is up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
Come on, Carlton! "Come on" what, Sam? Seriously, you booked both boxers into the same hotel! If this didn't hurt so much, I'd deal with you myself.
I didn't know Gomez was staying here till after you'd arrived.
And you couldn't tell us then? You'd have felt you had to leave.
You're a moron! I'd rather have been given the choice and have left because, frankly, with the purse, the sponsorship, the television, the advertising revenue alone, we stand to lose several million pounds, all of which I've got to try and recoup.
So I'm gonna have to sue this hotel.
Look, I know I messed up, but this could ruin me.
Sam, seriously mate, this is business, yeah? Pure and simple.
Anyway, first things first - I need to get Don's hand X-rayed.
I'll arrange it.
Oh, hey, hey, big lady! "Big lady"? Dear me.
I've awakened the beast inside.
No, you are not a big lady.
You are a tiny little rose with a little baby inside.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm just in a bad mood.
Here.
What's this? This is the Mexican AA.
The Mexican AA? Si.
No alcohol, but spicy flavour.
OK.
Oh! You lost your cherry.
Here.
So what happened? Oh.
The scars of war.
Lucky for Tony that Gino was there to help him out, eh? Come on, tell Gino.
You have a baby on the way.
Why are you not blooming like a big, ripe tomato? It just it just hit me that I'm having a baby.
I knew that I was having a baby, but I just realised that I'm, like, actually having a baby.
Like, I'm going to have a baby.
I don't have anything ready.
I don't have a nursery, I haven't got any nappies.
I went out to buy a cot the other day and I came back with new shoes.
How are new shoes - even gorgeous ones They're velvet and have diamante heels.
.
.
how are they going to help my baby? And what sort of a well-dressed mother does that make me? Look, nobody is good with kids until they actually have kids.
I have a son, you know? Yeah, I know - little Gino.
Oh, no, no, this is another one, in Barcelona.
He's 12.
Cristiano.
Do they not have sex education in Spain? Oh, yes.
I was a young waiter in a hotel.
A ladies' man, you know? No, I can't picture that.
Well, Martha pictured it.
She was the waitress and we did the naked mambo underneath a bloody red moon.
God! But I get the wanderlust again, I move off to pastures new.
I didn't know about him until four years ago, when my sister got absolutely bladdered at a party and blurt it out.
What did you do when you found out? What could I do, eh? She has robbed me of the chance of being his father.
Is that how you feel, that you were robbed? Every child needs his father.
And every father needs his child.
A man has a right to know the truth, eh? But but you're OK.
You have your father.
You have Darren.
He be very good for bringing sandwiches.
A waiter.
Very useful.
As you can see, we already have an extensive recycling system in place, so shall we move on? Wait! This was in with the brown glass.
Looks like I'm going to have to dig a lot deeper.
Ooh! I hope you've got rubber gloves.
"ROCKY THEME" PLAYS RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC ENDS So what's she like, eh? Who? Anna.
I bet she's like a dark-haired Venus, eh? Yeah.
Like a tigress, eh? Yeah, it was electric.
No hanky-panky, eh? Otherwise you'll have Gino to answer to, eh? OK? Right.
OK.
Go.
Sam, I need to speak to you urgently about the Green Pillow man.
What's he still doing here? Well, as the day's gone on, he's got harder and harder to please.
What do you want me to do about it? Well, talk to him.
I mean, it will help the restaurant.
Oh, joy Red snapper.
Where's that from? The Gulf of Mexico, I believe.
There's also some great British produce, right, James? The odd cheese, I suppose.
Australian barramundi.
New Zealand lamb.
Oh, I see you're offering mangosteen from Thailand.
It's an extensive menu of fine dining.
An extensive global menu that's clocking up the air miles and CO2 emissions.
I think you'll find we're no more profligate than any other Michelin-starred restaurant, Mr Carrick.
Which is no excuse for complacency.
Oh, I can see I'm gonna be here for some considerable time.
I suppose I should find somewhere nearby to stay overnight.
Why don't we organise a room for you here? I don't think so! We're eager to facilitate this process in any way we can.
Well Have the room for as long as you like.
Emily, if you'd like to get Mr Carrick checked in.
Superior room.
Yes.
This way, please, Mr Carrick.
Checking up on me? No, I I just came to apologise.
It was a crappy thing I did and I'm sorry.
It's all right.
I quite enjoyed people thinking I was the dad.
It felt good.
Well, I'm going to tell everyone you're not and let you off the hook.
You don't have to.
I mean, I've been playing along.
It's cool.
Really? All right.
Well, er just don't get any weird ideas, OK? OK, darling.
Too much, right? WAY too much.
Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES Whoo! "ROCKY THEME" PLAYS Want some more, eh? Want some more of Gino the Bull? In the red corner, the Bull! Round two.
Pow! Pow! Look at the Bull go.
Look at him go.
He's gonna kill him.
He'll kill him.
Bah! Bah! Dah! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! MUSIC WINDS DOWN CLEARS THROAT So, I heard about the brawl in reception.
Somebody said that you were What was it? .
.
slapping like a girl.
What? Look, I'll have you know, when I was a young man, I was a boxer, eh? Punched in the head repeatedly as a youth.
Explains a lot.
Emily, what room is that inspector in? Oh 301.
Why? Thought so.
Room service.
Lobster? Green-lipped mussels? Mozambique lobster, Norwegian mussels and a very fine French champagne.
You look closely, the cracks always start to show.
I am gonna have him monitored overnight.
But everyone's got secrets.
Good night.
You must have some dirt to dish on them.
I can't tell you.
But you tell me everything.
Hang on.
What's that? Well, they made me sign a confidentiality agreement, so if I do one with you, then I can tell you anything, right? Bring it on.
OK.
OK.
Now spill the beans.
The Martyns are getting a divorce.
No! Yeah.
No! Can I help you, madam? I'm sure you could.
Unfortunately, I'm here to meet a friend.
If you ask at the front desk, they'll help you find him.
Thanks.
What's the world record for owning and then losing a hotel? Whatever it is, I'm sure you're in the running.
Given the chance, I could've made a pretty good fist of this place.
Come on, Sam, you've been down before.
Yeah, but I've usually had some assets tucked away somewhere before.
But this time You've always loved a challenge.
Carlton says that's why I married you.
And Carlton's a real expert on relationships, isn't he? You've really got it in for him, haven't you? He made a pass at me when we were married.
When? You were in Scandinavia trying to get that bottled water business off the ground and he called round and took me out.
I think he thought as he'd forked out for dinner that I owed him something.
And on that happy note .
.
I'm gonna get some sleep.
You don't fancy another? No.
I'll see you tomorrow.
HE SIGHS ERIN HUFFS I thought we were gonna have a moratorium on this subject for the duration of the party.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Sweep it under the carpet.
We're never gonna agree about custody, are we? Well, not until you stop trying to screw me over, no! Please, don't use the word "screw" in relation to you and I.
It makes me feel unwell.
You're trying to reduce the amount of time I get to spend with Tyler, which I will not stand for, you poisonous Hi.
Matt! Jody! Glad you could make it.
Hi! Oh, lipstick, sorry.
Catch up with you in a bit.
I will never back down over this.
That's why I made a decision last night.
About what? I've had an offer from the US to set up a media branch of our business there.
Phoned my lawyers first thing this morning, told them it was a goer.
Hi.
Glad you could make it.
Sergio! Come vai? Tutto posto? Great to see you.
Tyler and I will be splitting our time between here and the States.
Been planning this all along, haven't you? You selfish, conniving bitch! Oh, I'm so glad you could come! Hi, Jacob! What a surprise.
I didn't think you'd make it.
Great to see you.
CHATTER One, two, three, four, and four more.
DRUM ROLL, UPBEAT MUSIC ALL CHEER AND LAUGH The hand is definitely fractured? Afraid so.
So I'm gonna have to instruct my lawyers to start legal proceedings against the hotel.
Don't do this.
I don't have a choice.
Carlton, we've been friends for years.
Listen, Sam, there is no way I can absorb these costs myself, OK? And the bottom line is you messed up.
All right, look, the only possible alternative I can think of is if we come to some agreement.
Settle out of court? Did you have a figure in mind? It's gotta be a figure I'm happy with.
Of course it has.
Hey, Jules, I'm reaching out here.
You're all heart I'm the wronged bloody party! Tell me something I DON'T know.
OK, can I make a suggestion? Can I suggest you piss off and let Sam and I deal with this ourselves? Did you just tell Juliet to piss off? Yes, I did.
Sound advice.
Why don't I make a suggestion? If you're gonna sue me, then let's do it through the proper channels.
Sam, you are making a HUGE mistake.
No, I made a huge mistake thinking you were someone I could trust.
DOOR CLOSES So it's only fair that I keep you all in the loop.
We may well be taken to court over this, and if we are, it could turn nasty.
I don't remember seeing Morrison throw a punch.
What? Well, I'm trying to work out when he actually hurt his hand, and I don't remember seeing him throw a right.
Look, he must have done.
He's soft, anyway.
I shook his hand when he first arrive, and he cry like a baby.
Gino is, er, stronger than he know.
Show me how you shook it.
Like this.
Oh! Yeah, OK, that's like a limp lettuce.
Hey! How could that have hurt him? CRIES OUT He had it cocked, but he never actually threw it.
What, you're an expert on boxing, all of a sudden? I had an ex-boyfriend who was a boxer.
You went out with a boxer? I didn't go into a nunnery after our divorce.
What was he? Middleweight? Light welter? Does it matter? No.
Not to me.
No.
Do you think that Morrison hurt his hand before he got here? There's a good chance, yeah.
Ah! Carlton, just the man we wanted to see.
Notified your lawyers yet? We thought we'd give you a chance to explain yourself first.
Explain myself? Is this your pathetic attempt to try and wheedle out of being sued? No, it's our way of saying we know what you did.
When did you injure your hand, Don? It wasn't last night, was it? Seriously, you are wasting your time.
Something to hide, Carlton? You knew Gomez was staying here before you came, didn't you? What did Carlton tell you? What did he offer you to carry out the con? All right, look, I want you out of my room now.
It's not your room, it's mine.
Not for much longer, mate, if things go my way.
I understand why a devious slug like Carlton would do this, but you don't strike me as a dishonest person.
I'm not.
You're a champion, a great sportsman.
You believe in fair play! Oh, please! Don think about this very carefully.
Remember what's at stake.
Carlton's priorities lie solely with himself.
When did you injure your hand? Honestly.
A month ago.
I'll call Jake Samuels, see where we stand media-wise.
Juliet, it's started.
I've already been fielding calls from the press about a brawl in a hotel.
Then organise a press conference for Don Morrison to appease the journos for the time being.
OK.
Emily! Sorry.
Did you have a chance to tell Sam about our eco-warrior's room service order? Yes.
Has anything else happened? Well, he had told me that he wanted to do a random inspection today.
Which is odd, because Tanya says he hasn't taken the "do not disturb" sign off his door.
Fine.
We should disturb him.
LOCK BEEPS Mr Carrick? He's used every towel in the hotel.
The air conditioning's on full blast.
Windows are open.
You are so clever, squeezing a whole night out of them! SQUEALING AND GIGGLING Oh! You had me running round like a blue-arsed fly, and for what? I really am sorry, but you should see some of the dumps I usually have to inspect.
I just thought one night of luxury to compensate for the other 300-odd spent in lumpy beds with migraine-inducing wallpaper.
So what are you going to rate us? I think I can guarantee you a four-point rating.
Huh! No-one gets five! SQUEALS Thanks.
Now, I'm not going to bore you with a long speech.
I'm going to bore you with a short one instead.
POLITE LAUGHTER Thank you.
Thank you, thank you all for coming and sharing this bleakest of moments where Ed and I topple headlong into our 40s.
Argh! LAUGHTER Talking of whom, thanks, Ed, for 12 glorious years of marriage.
And to our terrific son, Tyler.
Aw! I love you both very, very much.
Now, as you all know, Ed's a bit of a nerd - a poetry nerd.
So I asked him to write us a bit of a poem for our birthday, and in a moment of utter madness and with the promise of various sexual favours, he agreed.
So before he becomes too incapable, over to you, darling! Darling.
Yes, darling.
Thank you, darling.
CLEARS THROAT "The end of love should be a big event.
"It should involve the hiring of a hall.
"Why the hell not? It happens to us all.
"Why should it pass without acknowledgement? "Suits should be dry-cleaned, invitations sent.
"Whatever form it takes - a tiff, a brawl - "The end of love should be a big event.
"It should involve the hiring of a hall " ERIN LAUGHS ".
.
Better than the unquestioning descent "Into the trap of silence, than the crawl "From visible to hidden, from door to wall.
" Thank you.
As you've probably gathered, that's not one of mine.
It's by Sophie Hannah.
A little more appropriate, though.
Let's give him a great big round of applause.
He likes those.
Ed? KNOCKING Tyler! I told him to come back inside, but he wouldn't.
What? Blahhh! Ed, what on earth are you doing? Stay there.
You're missing the party.
Good.
I hate parties.
Where's Erin? She's downstairs still.
Pouring oil on troubled waters? CHUCKLES That's my girl.
Why don't you go back downstairs Stay there! Save the full-blown breakdown for tomorrow morning.
She's toying with me.
I don't stand a chance of getting custody, because between her and her hot-shot lawyers, she'll freeze me out.
So how is being drunk and abusive gonna help your cause? Ed, be careful! This is the seventh floor, for God's sake! What, between the devil and the deep blue sea? Argh! Ed! I'm just testing you.
How many of those have you got? What's wrong with him? He's just a little bit tired and emotional, that's all.
Right, Ed? Tired is right.
Sick and bloody tired.
Ed! Mum! Tyler! Oh, right on cue! He's a selfish sod.
I'm gonna kill him.
You stay in there, you! What the hell are you doing? And what was all that about downstairs? Have you any idea how hard it's been convincing people nothing's wrong? Then don't.
We agreed how we were gonna work this.
But it's all bullshit! Well, this is it, Ed.
Yeah? The end.
Please! Don't do this! Yes, the bitter bloody end.
You're a selfish bastard.
So you're calling ME selfish? Yes, I bloody am.
Right, stop! Just stop it now! All I've heard from both of you is how bad YOU'RE feeling and what YOU want.
But there is another person caught in the middle of this and if you'd stop for one second to think what HE wants or how HE'S feeling Because I've been with Tyler less than 12 hours, and I can see that this is making him miserable.
It is making you all really miserable.
He doesn't understand what's going on.
Oh, no, yes, he does, because he's had to listen to you every day for months! He understands better than you two idiots.
So just talk to him.
Find out what HE wants before it's too late.
I know the first thing he wants is for you to get off that bloody wall.
Get down! Right, now, get in! Now, sit down.
Now talk.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Welcome, everyone.
I think we all agree that it's been an incredibly frustrating and disappointing 24 hours for boxing fans and for Mr Morrison in particular.
He has a prepared statement that he'd like to read out.
I apologise to Fernando and his team, to my team, and most of all, to the fans.
I'm a fighter.
All I want to do is fight.
And I let myself be misled by a bad manager and I'm really sorry.
HE CRIES HE SOBS Thank you very much.
Oh! .
.
Which means we aren't going to America, so I can see Dad when I like.
Well, that's good.
If they're not happy, they should split up, right? Yeah.
I think so.
Here, you should have this - for when it gets too much in reception.
Thank you very much.
Is it a boy or a girl? Do you know, I have no idea.
Whatever it is, it's lucky.
Why do you say that? Because it'll have a good mum.
Do you think so? If it all goes wrong with the dad, promise you won't stay together just for the kid.
OK, I promise.
You sure you're only 11? Right, so how do we kill zombies? Yeah, so maybe we're missing a trick here.
I mean, after we release the news of the divorce, we could rebrand, become The Ed Martyn And Erin King Show, aimed at the newly separated parent.
Looking at how you nurture as single parents, seeing both points of view.
That's good.
I'll phone Pete, set up a meeting.
Great.
Actually, it's very, very good.
I think you may need this a little bit longer.
I do hope you enjoyed your stay, Mr Carrick.
It's been such a pleasure.
Um, aren't you forgetting something, Mr Carrick? 'Running a hotel is no walk in the park, believe me.
'It takes dedication, application and above all, admitting your mistakes.
' I thought you were keen to gain that certificate.
What's it gonna do except attract a lot more picky people in organic socks and edible shoes? Oh, hear, hear! OK, everyone, let's get back to work.
Sorry.
I really think this could work, don't you? You need to get to meetings on time, run new ideas past me first, be open and straight about any planned changes and let me run my team.
Does that mean you're gonna stay? For the time being.
Thank you.
There's a long way to go, Sam.
Don't thank me yet.
'When all's said and done, we need to learn to ask for help if we need it.
' I just wanted to say if you need anyone to be around for you and the baby .
.
someone to get things, go to the shops, buy nappies and stuff.
What, like a servant? I suppose.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Er, thank you .
.
for making me the dad.
Tea, milk, no sugar.
Yeah? What you think? He the daddy? I think I'd put you higher up my hit list, and that's saying something.
Oh.
You all right? Yes.
It's kicking.
Here.
So are you ready to come clean yet? What? I mean, we all know that Darren's not the dad.
And as I am the most trustworthy and reliable person here, and because you're dying to tell somebody .
.
why don't you tell me? 'Because it's all very well being strong and self-reliant, 'but some secrets are impossible to keep.
' OK.
OK.
Who is Harold Kelly? Harold stole 12 cut emeralds which he claims he hid somewhere in the hotel.
It's a hoax.
You really think there's buried treasure here? I don't like the look of you.
You remind me of Errol Flynn.
Bastard! You sure you'll be OK? Got ages to go.
Oh! My waters just broke! Two men have been killed in the hotel.
SCREAMS I've come home to die.
But there's so much to live for.
Where are you? You ain't half picked a day for it.
Just need a bit of time just to get my head round all of this.