Hotel Babylon (2006) s04e03 Episode Script
Episode 27
SAM: 'Some things in life never change.
They're as true today 'as they were in, say, the era of the three-day week.
'Both now and then, people have gone to extraordinary lengths to secure a fortune.
' Hello, love.
What's your name? SIREN WAILS Bollocks.
Sorry.
No rest for the wicked.
'Everyone wants a future where they don't have to worry about money.
' SIREN CONTINUES WAILING Morning, cock.
'How people go about achieving it depends on who they are.
'Some are prepared to steal from others.
Hello, my darlings.
Let's get you hid.
'Some of us will do anything to stay awake 'and earn their precious overtime.
' Hi.
Hi! 'Some of us never had to worry.
' SHE SIGHS 'And some of us rely on luck to see us through.
' 'Not that it always works.
' Oh.
Uh, uh, uh 'But whatever we do, we'll all keep on hoping 'for that extra bit of cash or piece of good fortune to come our way, 'just like people always have.
' Listen, I'll give you a monkey if you let me go.
HE CHUCKLES In ya get.
'So if there's a chance to discover some hidden treasure' '.
.
wouldn't we all take it?' HUBBUB I'm dealing with this gentleman here.
So if you could just be patient.
Thank you.
.
.
Yes, sir, how can I help you? "John and Rob and Ray looked, but they couldn't see.
"Where, oh, where could Jimmy be?" What does it mean? May I have a look at that? No, you may not.
It's mine.
Huh! HUBBUB Sir, madam, if you're patient Anyone been looking for me? Mr Barnes, as I said before, I will call you if anybody asks for you.
Right.
Well, I'll be in the spa if anyone does want me.
Busy this morning.
You can say that again.
Gino, I need a favour.
I need you to keep your eyes open for someone.
You won't be able to miss him.
He's got this big, ugly, moon-shaped scar on his face.
Doesn't sound like the sort of person would like to meet you in a dark alley.
No! He's an old friend, a bit of a joker.
He always likes to surprise me.
Ah.
Anyway, I wanna surprise him this time, so, erjust Count on me.
You shouldn't be on your feet so much.
And you really should think about getting yourself some flats.
Wash your mouth out! Right, do you have my water? SHE GASPS AND WHINES Darren, I said I wanted fizzy water.
Oh, sorry.
That's all they had.
Here, which do you prefer? Disposable or washable? What ARE those? Nipple pads.
Thank you.
I just thought you might need them.
Darren, go away.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Right, I'm going to the staff meeting.
I'll be back soon.
Anna, why are you carrying on with this? Everyone knows he's not the father, he knows he's not the father.
Why don't you just put the poor guy out of his misery? He didn't look miserable to me.
I happen to be quite a catch, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
I had to deal with a complaint about housekeeping.
God! Don't we all miss Jackie? SHE LAUGHS Ooh! Is that the book that everyone's got? Who IS Harold Kelly? Bloody hell! A bit busy out there.
Is something going on? Um, I was just about to say that Harold Kelly was a prolific jewel thief and in 1973, he was arrested right outside the hotel.
He's been in prison ever since.
What did he do, nick the Crown Jewels? My Great-Uncle Buck, in Spain, was a notorious thief.
What did he steal, a goat? HE SCOFFS A goat! 27 goats.
Well, Harold died recently, in prison, leaving behind him his autobiography, which he insisted was published posthumously.
It hit the shelves today.
Why are they all walking around with a copy of it? It's spooky.
That's where we get to the juicy bit.
You see, just before he was arrested, Harold stole 12 cut emeralds, which he claims he hid somewhere in the hotel.
And the book contains clues as to where they're hidden.
SHE GASPS "Find what's missing from Black Princess Lake "and you'll find the treasure, which is yours to take.
" Oh, dear.
Not exactly Yeats, is it? SAM LAUGHS It's a hoax.
Do you really think there's buried treasure HERE? Doesn't matter.
The books are flying off the shelves, hence all the people out there.
It won't be long before the press hear about this, which is good - free publicity for the hotel.
No, I want to downplay this as much as possible.
Oh, I disagree.
Let's get the world and his wife in here.
If they wanna know something, they have to be paying guests.
Milk the buggers for every penny.
And what about our real guests? They should come first.
BOTH: Hotel comes first.
Eryou're right, Juliet, of course.
Guests come first.
Thank you, Sam.
Right, that's it, everybody.
Let's try not to be too distracted by the treasure.
Anna, today will be quite full-on.
Are you sure you're gonna be OK? Yeah.
Yeah, I've got ages to go.
Not really.
You're, what, eight months? Yeah, yeah.
Like I said, ages to go.
Well, if it gets too much, just let me know, and don't carry anything heavy like books.
Sam's right.
All this hoo-ha about hidden gems in the hotel - it's a load of tosh.
If this Kelly chap did hide the gems here all those years ago, surely somebody would have found them by now.
No, but imagine if they were still here and you were the one to find them.
SHE SIGHS Oh, how you could spend the money.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello.
Oh, where are you? Oh, you know I've picked a day for it.
(Hold on, she's standing right next to me.
) So, the book.
What's all the fuss about? Oh! HE SHRIEKS SHE PANTS Oh, my God! It's not coming, is it? No, no.
No, it's OK, it's OK.
It's a phantom contraction.
It'll happen every now and again.
I just need to I just need to sit down somewhere quietly for five minutes.
Course.
Do you need me to help? Oh, no.
I'll be OK.
OK.
Yeah.
Phew.
Hey! Cow! SHE EXHALES DEEPLY It's mine! THEY ALL GRUNT Give it back! I was here first.
In your dreams, posh boy.
Ooh! Oh! SHE PANTS Oh, God.
Ha! Suckers.
BOTH: Ah-ha! THEY BOTH GRUNT Give it to me! HE GROANS Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna go and get my own copy.
Well, go on, then.
I'm going to.
BEN SHRIEKS SHE GASPS Oh, money.
HE SIGHS Give me one moment, Mother.
How do you do? I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
How do you do? Laurence Evergreen.
I very much hope you can help me.
I have an important meeting.
I need to find somewhere for Mother to stay today.
Your mother? My mother is Constance Evergreen.
I assume you've heard of her.
The actress? I thought she was Yes, of course I have.
It's a matter of life and death.
She mustn't be left on her own.
There must be someone with her at all times.
That's not really a service that we provide, Mr Evergreen.
Double, triple - you name your price.
Mr Evergreen? Sam Franklin, owner.
I think what Ms Miller was saying is that while this is a service we don't normally provide, I'm sure we can find something your mother will like.
Yes, that is exactly what I was about to say.
And I'm sure that Mr Franklin would like to make sure that your mother has everything she needs, personally.
Mother Mrs Evergreen, welcome to Hotel Babylon.
I don't like the look of you.
You remind me of Errol Flynn.
Bastard! Gave me the clap before it was fashionable.
Keep this quiet.
Sure.
Eryou see these boxes here, Dave? Can you get them up to the MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY Yeah.
Cheers, mate.
Evergreen, like the old actress? This is Constance Evergreen, Anna.
SHE LAUGHS Don't be silly.
She's dead.
If she were alive, she'd be, like, really, really, really, really old.
You're like an understudy I once had.
Screwed my husband - the third.
Or was it the fourth? I can't remember.
Which was it, Laurence? The third one, Mother.
Well, I think I'll leave you in Ms Miller's capable hands.
Um, enjoy your stay, Ms Evergreen.
Not bloody likely.
Sorry, what? Nothing.
Now, Mother's a little prickly at first, but lovely when you get to know her.
Whoever you assign to her mustn't let her out of their sight and they must not let her near alcohol.
Mr Four.
Four times the going rate.
We'll make sure that she's supervised at all times.
My! But aren't you the spitting image of Dennis Price? Am I? Thank you.
We should have made Kind Hearts And Coronets together.
Robert Hamer wanted me, of course.
Joan Greenwood was a contemptible whore.
I see.
Still, it meant that we met.
Those were the most wonderful years of my life.
I never forgot you, Denny.
Tony, could I have a word? Yes, I can hold.
And then, when you give them your interview, you can let something slip about the emeralds.
You know, accidentally on purpose.
Let's see how busy we can make this place.
Ooheek.
Awkward.
Who do I listen to - my boss or my boss's boss? Do you generally just vocalise every thought? Oh.
Did I just say that out loud? Mmm.
Mmm.
Turn.
Ah! SHE SLURPS SHE BELCHES Oh.
PHONE RINGS PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Front desk.
Ben speaking.
Arthur Barnes' room, please.
I'm sorry, Mr Barnes isn't answering.
Would you like to leave a mes? DIALLING TONE Hello? In your own time.
Ninth floor.
Sorry, I don't have anything for a tip.
That's OK.
I I have all the tip I need.
Arthur, where are you off to? A spot of brunch, I think.
Ah.
Did you see the woman in this room? Who could miss her? HE CHUCKLES One day I would like the love of a woman like that.
HE LAUGHS For a couple of hours.
THEY BOTH LAUGH Never underestimate the love of a good woman - best thing in the world.
I spent 15 years with the love of my life, my Rita.
Passed away recently.
Oh, Arthur, I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
You know the old saying.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It's very true.
I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with Rita.
LIFT DINGS Oh.
Let's split up.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINING WHINING CONTINUES Oi! Come on, out of there.
Come on.
This is hotel property! Out of bounds.
Unfortunately, there is absolutely no evidence to back up the claims that Mr Kelly made in his autobiography.
So you're saying it's nothing more than a publicity stunt? Over the last 35 years, this hotel has undergone several periods of major renovation, so if Mr Kelly did hide the jewels, then I'm afraid they're long gone.
Emily James, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Cut there.
Thanks, Emily.
It'll make the lunchtime news.
Thanks, Dustin.
Um You didn't hear this from me, but the jewels may be more real than I made out.
Thank you.
Phew.
Why did you never reply to my letters, Denny? ErI never got any.
I was always moving around a lot, you know.
Oh, look at this for timing! Oh, I was incredible in this.
I should have got top billing, of course.
Have you got everything you need? Oh, you're always so good to me, Denny.
Now, I've got to run a little errand, so I'm going to nip out.
But I need you to promise me that you're going to stay here.
Haven't I always done everything you asked, Denny? Remember Brighton? SHE LAUGHS How could you forget? THEY BOTH CHUCKLE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES I've been keeping my eyes open, Arthur, but I haven't seen anything of your friend.
You know, the joker with the scar.
I thought he'd be here by now.
I really want it over and done with.
Want what over and done with? Hmm? I've said too much.
I shouldn't.
No, no, no, please.
Arthur, discretion and Gino Primarola go together like roast beef and Yorkshire pie.
I mentioned my Rita to you earlier.
Well, technically speaking, she wasn't my Rita, she was already married to the kind of man you don't divorce.
A Catholic.
A gangster.
Gary Pointer.
Ooh! Of course I've heard of him.
The "Shy Don", they call him - because he never comes out of his house.
That's right, hasn't come out in 15 years - not since the day his wife ran off with her driving instructor.
Ah.
You're the driving instructor? But what has that got to do with your friend with the scar? The man with the scar isn't my friend.
He works for Rita's husband.
And when he gets here he'll take me to him.
He's going to take you to him? But he's a dangerous man.
He going to Rita and I were living in Australia till she passed away.
Before I left, I settled all me debts and I was left with a grand total of £28,391, and I'm gonna spend every last penny.
I don't need money any more, you see, Gino.
I've come home to die.
But, Arthur, there's so much to live for.
Not for me.
The joke's on him, see? I'm already dying.
The big C.
Oh.
Arthur I'm sorry.
They say the last six months are the worst.
(I don't wanna live through that.
Would you?) No.
OK, thank you.
Bye.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Yes.
I can't believe people are falling for this rubbish.
I mean, look at this.
"John and Rob and Ray looked, but they didn't see.
"Where, oh, where could Jimmy be?" What does that mean? It's a riddle.
Oh, really(?) SHE SIGHS If I could just If I could just work it out.
Do you know how hard it is being surrounded by wealth every day and knowing I could spend it so much better than any of these plebs? SHE GASPS DRAMATICALLY Actually, that's quite clever.
What's actually quite clever? Well, it's the Doors.
The band.
John Densmore, Robby Krieger, Ray Manzarek, Jimmy - Jim - Morrison, the lead singerwho died.
SHE GASPS So he's like a lost Door.
We're looking for a lost door! Sam, you're a genius.
Yeah.
But where is it? How are we going to find a lost door? WE?! I solved the clue.
It's my book.
SHE GASPS Oh! SHE PANTS Are you OK? Oh, yeah.
Just ajust a moment of excruciating agony, and it eventually ebbs away.
Can I do anything? Yeah, actually, could you keep an eye on the desk till Ben gets back? Thank you very much.
ErAnna I'm busy.
I need to speak to you, and it's very important, so could you meet me down here at two o'clock? Why are you being so mysterious? What do you know about the treasure? Just meet me here at two o'clock, OK? John, Rob, Ray, Jimmy Rob.
Robert.
Roberto.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE WHISTLES James Vineyard '49, John Adams Vineyard '57, Raymond De Veil '56, Vina da Roberto Silvera '52 Room 214.
Yes! Hello? HE TAPS THE WALL DOOR UNLOCKS BOTH PANT AND MOAN Ms Evergreen? Connie? Connie! Denny? Connie? LOVERS MOAN AND PANT BOTH PANT AND GROAN How many more of you people?! SHE SCREAMS Dead man, second floor supply cupboard.
You must come now.
SHE SINGS SOFTLY SHE GROANS GENTLY Oh, Denny, you came back! Yes.
SHE GIGGLES Oh! Careful.
He was right here, I swear! And you're sure it was this floor? I'm sure it was this floor! Maybe we should check the other floors, just in case.
It was THIS floor! He was right here and he was dead! DOOR OPENS Is everything OK? Erfalse alarm.
A dead body doesn't just get up and walk away.
Someone must have been playing a prank on you.
Who would do this? HE TAPS Maybe Sam, what are you doing? Nothing.
LOVERS GRUNT AND GROAN LOUDLY THUMPING Oh, James! James! Yeah! Oh! James! LOUD THUMPING MOBILE PHONE RINGS MOANING AND THUMPING STOPS Wha? SHE GASPS Room service.
Oh REVS DRILL HAROLD KELLY: Hello, my darlings.
Let's get you hid.
SHE LAUGHS What sort of a twisted place is this, employing bloody perverts? I'm very sorry.
If we could just step into my of No, thank you.
My wife and I are leaving and we're never coming back.
Come on, Susan.
Sharon! Where's Anna? Dealing with a guest.
Emily.
Mm-hm? What exactly did you tell the press about the treasure? And what did you and Sam talk about earlier? Gosh, were Sam and I talking? Listen, Sam can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
I don't know what you mean.
Oh, I think you do.
Oh.
SHE GASPS SOFTLY SHE TUTS Oh, shit! Oh! You're there already?! You do realise you're early? No.
No, OK, the caff on the corner.
OK, I'm on my way.
Come on, Connie, we're going for a walk.
SHE SLURS Why the bloody hell would I wanna go for a walk? Oh! It's you! Are we eloping, Denny? Hello.
What are you up to? What? Either you tell me, or I'll tell everyone.
Tell them what? That you found the treasure Shh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you found it! Shh! Shh! The first clue was about a lost door.
There is a lost door in the wine cellar.
There was a picture of it right there, all along! This is like serendipity, or what? I mean, I'm meant to find the emeralds.
I just know I am! God, this is incredible! It's like my whole life I've just been leading up to this moment.
All the let-downs, all the crappy boyfriends.
Cover for me.
I've gotta go and see if they're really there.
OK.
For half.
What about for love? What about for half? Deal.
BOTH SPIT AND CLICK FINGERS Sorry, Connie, this won't take a minute.
Olivia.
You Tony? What the fump is this? Erfump? I choose not to curse.
Do you know who the fump I am? ErOlivia Nightingale, I hope.
And Olivia Nightingale is not a secret agent.
No.
No, I didn't think you were.
I was under the impression I was performing in the Hotel Babylon, but I have to meet you in this shoe-hole.
I do not do clandestine, understand me, hon? Well, I'm sorry about that.
It's just it's a bit of a tricky situation.
You call that an apology? I call that a fumpin' disgrace.
And see this? They used cream from a fumping can.
I specifically said no cream from a can.
You know what cream does to my voice? SHE SINGS ASCENDING SOUL NOTES VOICE SCREECHES ON HIGH NOTE You hear that? All gloopy.
That was a horrible noise.
What the fump does she mean by that? No, no.
She didn't mean anything.
Um, Connie, this is Olivia.
She's a singer.
Singing?! I had a poodle once who sang like that when Stanley Holloway sat on him.
I Just Lovely man.
Yeah.
I'd really like to apologise for that, actually, Olivia.
Is this some sort of fumping joke, you fumping piece of shoe? Well, fump you and fump this old biddy! I'll fump you both up.
I'll rip your dimp off and shove it up your ashtray! No.
Olivia, let me explain.
Don't do anything hasty.
Just wait a moment.
Just one minute of your Connie, do you realise what you've just done?! Where am I supposed to find a replacement for Olivia now? RUSTLING AND CREAKING SHE SCREAMS SHE WHIMPERS SHE SCREAMS Slow down, Denny! Jesus, Tony! Will you chill? Excuse me? SHE SIGHS Getting old's a pain in the arse.
What's going on here? I don't get employed any more.
What? So the eccentric old lady thing is I don't get to do what I love - act.
So you act all the time? Does your son know? I'm rather good at staying in character.
Yes, you can say that again.
He has his games, I have mine.
He hasn't got a business meeting today.
He's got a strumpet in Clerkenwell he sees.
So are you gonna tell me why Olivia's so important? Can you keep a secret? I can try.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS I'm busy.
What - another one? I swear on my eyes, he was in there! You may want to swear on something that actually works.
I think we should call the police.
Are you insane? In case it's not a prank.
This is no prank.
I keep telling you, I touched him.
He was cold! But he grabbed you? That was the killer's hand.
So we're looking for a dead man with a scar on his face and two left hands? Yeah.
Sam, why don't you give the police a ring and tell them that? Um, Ms Evergreen? Um, that isn't your suite.
Where's Tony? I-I didn't like my suite.
It smelled of Oliver Reed.
Glorious bastard.
Right, well, let's hope this one smells a bit better - maybe, um, George Clooney.
I wish.
Ridiculous.
I'm telling you, I'm cursed.
Dead rise around me.
What? Haven't you heard? Today, I find not one but two dead men, and both vanish.
What do you mean, dead men? It was horrible, especially the second one.
I never forget his face.
Shot between the eyes.
And that scar Scar? Where? Like this.
Oh, my God.
DARREN: Cheers.
Ah-ha! There you are.
Oh, I just started my break.
Do you want a bite? No, put that down! Oh, please, Anna, I'm starving.
It's an emergency! Is it? Right.
Now, if you could just knock this wall down for me.
What? I-I don't I don't think that's Trust me, it's important.
Look, I may not have the best job in the world, but I need it.
For goodness' sake, Darren! Anna, no! I'm not gonna go around knocking walls REVS DRILL SHE GAGS Hello, Gino.
What can I do for you? Arthur, I need to talk to you.
Two men have been killed in the hotel.
One of them had a scar on his face a crescent-shaped scar.
Bloody hell! That's what I thought.
Very strange.
But then I stopped to think and look at the big picture.
I have read a lot of detective novels, Arthur, especially Sherlock Holmes.
And he say, "When you have eliminated the impossible, my dear Watson, "whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
" So I think, "Who remains that is still involved?" And it is you.
So that means I killed them.
Erno.
No, that's insane.
You're a driving instructor.
No, no.
It means you must have a gardening angel.
Who? That I do not know.
Who would be looking out for me? Oh, Gino, I had it all planned.
I don't wanna die in pain, slowly.
You'd better go.
I don't want you implicated.
Implicated in what? I didn't want it to be like this.
But, like I said, it has to end now.
I just have to do it myself.
HE GASPS Where did you get that? I just want it over with.
I wanna be with my Rita.
Yeah, but, Arthur, this is not the way.
What choice have I got? I've got a bloody guardian angel I don't want.
Bye, Gino.
Thanks for everything.
Ermaybe Rita is your guardian angel.
Maybe she doesn't want you to die yet.
Are you saying that the woman I love is protecting me from beyond the grave? Well stranger things have happened, Arthur.
Give me the gun.
I am such an idiot.
Get rid of it.
Uhuh Gino.
Thank you.
Oh, hmm.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES HE FLUSHES THE TOILET Damn.
Finished.
Oh, about time.
HE SIGHS Do you want me to go first? Darren, don't be so sexist! Yeah, actually, would you mind? Yeah, yeah.
DOOR CREAKS THEY BOTH GASP ANNA EXHALES SHARPLY THEY BOTH SCREAM Ugh! Oh DARREN CLEARS HIS THROAT Harold's second clue was Mmm? "Find what's missing from Black Princess Lake.
"The treasures are there, which are yours to take.
" ANNA SIGHS What does that mean? I have no idea.
But we've just gotta start looking.
Got it.
What do you think about Jasper? Who? If it's a boy.
Or Matilda if it's a girl.
Those old-fashioned names are coming back, aren't they? Darren, less chatter and more looking.
See, I've always wanted a big family.
Haven't you? Five or six.
What are you talking about?! Oh, I just assumed Well, now that we've moved things on Well, you know, that we'd, one day have you know, sex.
Oh, Darren! No! I don't want to talk about THAT.
It's just you're on your own and Yes, Darren.
Yes, yes, I am on my own.
And this is not how I thought this was going to be.
I thought I was going to get to enjoy having a baby.
I thought I was going to get to go shopping and buy lots of lovely little clothes and decorate a nursery in my gorgeous house in Hampstead with my husband, who loves me.
But I am not! All right.
We'll see how it goes, then.
SHE SIGHS Here we are.
Olivia's just called, actually.
She's on her way.
She's just stuck in traffic.
So, erwe'll just wait here.
Appreciate that.
Thanks, guys.
Hi, Olivia, it's Tony Casemore.
I'm very sorry about what's happened.
Umbut I really do need you here today, so if you could just HE MUTTERS SOFTLY HE GROANS No, no, no.
Oh! Oh! Probably the worst thing is I didn't get to test my theory.
The emeralds could be sitting in that very room as we speak.
As we peek? BEN AND EMILY LAUGH Oh, yes, very funny.
Get it all out.
THEY LAUGH Oh, marvellous.
Now I get to enjoy the creme of the Primarola wit.
Come on, then, Gino, do your worst.
Everyone all right? What's wrong with you? Have you found the jewels? Yeah, like I'd still be here with you losers.
HE LAUGHS James think he's worked out the door clue.
What door clue? Wine.
I mean wine clue.
HE SHRIEKS You know something, don't you? What? No.
Me? God, course not! Where's Anna? HE BANGS THE DESK MAN: Ah! Hello, sir.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
Arthur Barnes.
I wanna see him.
I'll try his room for you.
What name shall I give? Um MrDuck.
He doesn't appear to be there.
Would you like to leave a message? I'll wait.
What is this place? What's down here? No idea.
I've never seen it before.
Well, a fat lot of good you were.
I'm sorry.
They forced it out of me.
Well, the deal is off.
A secret room.
It's mine! I found it! And I lay claim to it! It's not the moon, Anna.
Oi! What are you lot doing down here? Anna has figured out the first clue.
Oh, she has, has she? I thought you weren't interested.
That's when it wasn't real.
What about you? You've got more than enough money.
Yeah, but I like the fun of it all.
It's all about the chase, Sam.
HE MUTTERS SHE MUTTERS SOFTLY Oh, my God! GUN CLATTERS Have you found it? ANNA EXCLAIMS Chateau Lafite '66.
I've died and gone to heaven.
THEY ALL GROAN Oh, James! Oh, for God's sake.
LOUD SOULFUL MUSIC PLAYS OLIVIA: Come on, give me more.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on! Ever since the day you Tony, there you are.
We were wondering where you'd got to.
I had been looking for her.
I called her and fumping well apologised and fumping well begged her.
Your friend's on the terrace, by the way.
I've got to finish the flowers.
Uh Mmm.
Denny! We're not in Brighton now.
.
.
You came You've been amazing, yeah So amazing OK, so now we've got just one thing missing.
OLIVIA CONTINUES SINGING .
.
Been amazing, babe So amazing, come on! Yes, you are OLIVIA'S SINGING DROWNS SPEECH MUSIC FADES Everyone's disappeared.
I'm checking downstairs for 'em now.
Just don't panic.
All right.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT Eugh! Right, erwe need to be smarter about this to solve the clue.
Darren, you said something about Black Princess Lake.
Eryeah, yeah.
So A lake named after a black princess.
Maybe the words are separate.
A lake named after a princess - Diana.
Black Diana.
Diana Ross! What - Diana Ross has the emeralds? No, Gino.
But, Emily SHE MUTTERS SOFTLY Find what's missing.
Black Princess Swan.
Black swan.
Swan princess.
Swan Lake.
SHE GASPS Oh! TONY: What's this place? ANNA GASPS AND GROANS TONY: Anna! EMILY: OK, so, black I've got something to show you and it's important.
Are you OK? Oh, it's passing.
THE OTHERS CHATTER Oh! WATER SPLOSHES Oh, my waters just broke.
Oh, please tell me I missed my shoes.
BEN: All right, Anna, it's OK! Well, someone call an ambulance! We need to get you out of here.
No, no, no, you go.
You go.
I want to stay here.
In fact, all of you go.
I just need a couple of minutes here alone.
Anna, we are not leaving you alone.
We are here for you.
You really don't have to be.
Oh, Mr Duck, there's Arthur Barnes.
Arthur Barnes! SCREAMING I'm Gary Pointer.
You stole my wife.
Turn round and face me, Arthur.
You're not Arthur Barnes.
Who the bloody hell are you? I'm a messenger, Mr Pointer.
You what? Ooh! Aarggh! OK.
Who sent you? One of your many rivals.
Does it matter which? Why the charade? You wouldn't leave your house, I couldn't get in.
I needed to find something that would bring you to me.
What about my boys? You killed 'em.
Amateurs.
I know you who are.
Your reputation precedes you.
Mallory.
Goodbye, Mr Pointer.
SHE GASPS Oi! Aarggh! SHE GRUNTS Tanya, get security and call the police.
OK.
ANNA: No.
Be sensible, Anna.
You cannot have your baby down here.
It's fine! I like it down here, it's nice.
We need to get you upstairs.
I'll carry you.
Or not.
(SIGHS) Look, can you all just just leave me alone? I just need a little bit of time just to get my head round all of this.
Oh, there's nothing to get your head around.
You're having a baby.
You're not the first and won't be the last.
Spoken like a true man.
Why don't you just get a club and beat her over the head? SHE WHIMPERS Oh.
Oh.
It's all right, OK? You need to take deep breaths.
MAN: Anna Hmm.
Since when did Hotel Babylon turn into a maternity ward? Charlie? Hi, gorgeous.
You know, there's something just a little bit different about you.
Have you had your hair cut? Hmm.
There goes the icebreaker.
What the hell are you doing here? Tony called me.
He told me about ev You traitor! I told you about Charlie in confidence.
Look, just go away.
I don't want you here.
Anna, when you told me that, I Shut up! In what world did you two think that my giving birth would be the perfect time for a reunion?! OK, how does everyone feel about lifting a very angry woman in labour? Nobody is going to touch me! Annashut it.
Who are you? Me? Oh, nobody.
Well, give us a hand.
Come on.
We need to lift her, but we have to find a safe way of doing it.
Perfect.
Let's just get her to the lift.
ALL CHATTER Where the hell have you lot been? Anna's gone into labour.
What's going on? Hey, you making a mistake.
Arthur is the victim here.
His name's not Arthur.
He's a hit man.
He was here to kill him, but Juliet hit him with a bottle.
Killed my two boys as well.
Arthur? Was one a skinny pale man and the other? One with a scar.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't you worry about me, Gino, they haven't got anything on me.
Not so sure - the lobby was full of people who saw you try to shoot him.
His gun, self-defence.
I'll be out in time for tea.
Not if I give the police the gun that killed those men.
You lied to me, Arthur.
Never lie to a Salamancan.
We hold a grudge like you will not believe.
Gino, you make an enemy of me and you'll regret it.
Fanculo! Are you OK? Of course I'm bloody not.
Where have you been? Oh, God, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
You were treasure-hunting.
What happened to Mr It's A Big Fat Hoax? It might not be.
You hear what he said? Two dead men.
I told you, but you wouldn't believe me! MUTTERS IN CROATIAN Where are you going? You said Anna was in labour, didn't you? Charlie, why are you here? That's pretty cool.
No-one's ever made me feel That I could ever make it Lord, no-one ever gave me anything All they did was take it No-one, no-one ever held my hand When I needed them to Oh, no Nobody but you Nobody but you-ou-ou Nobody but you I know exactly what I want for the rest of my life.
I wanna be with you and the baby.
Charlie, when I found out I was pregnant, all I dreamed of was hearing you say that.
But I thought I was never gonna see you again so I moved on.
I'm telling you right here, right now, I wanna be with you and the baby, that's it.
You're not here for me, you're just here because you wanna do the right thing for knocked-up Anna.
No, that's not it.
You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the baby.
And what if it's not yours? What if I lied to Tony? It's actually Ned's? Would you still want me then? Would you still be here? In a heartbeat.
I'm here for you.
Is it Ned's? No, it's bloody not.
He didn't believe in sex before marriage.
He was weird like that.
And in other ways, too.
He had this weird thing when he ate I love you, Anna.
I wanna be with you .
.
and with ourour little baby.
I miss you.
I miss your smile.
II miss you telling me off.
You know, life without you really is just Shut up and kiss me, you big, gorgeous idiot.
.
.
Nobody but you Oh, yeah Mmm.
And I certainly missed that.
SHE LAUGHS Listen just one more little thing.
Will you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Anna Thornton-Wilton-Edwards? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes! Ah! Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Get off! GROANING Where's the ambulance? I don't know.
Who called them? I thought you called them.
I thought you called them.
Well, I thought he called them.
I thought he called them.
Oh! Oh, bollocks, I'll do it myself.
Juliet, you've got experience.
You've delivered a baby? Juliet worked her gap year in a clinic in Malawi.
I watched births.
I didn't do any deliveries.
Well, just don't tell Anna that.
ANNA GROANING # .
.
Lean on me No-one ever told me You got a friend Would you shut the BLEEP up? .
.
No, no Ho, ho, ho.
Ho! BAND STOPS PLAYING Well, you heard the lady.
Let's fump outta here.
Phew.
All this waiting around drive me up the bend.
JAMES: Erwhat's that? Ice chips.
She might need to cool down.
How do you know what ice chips are for? This is not my first baby, you know.
I'm like Dr Spock.
So what's that for? She might be hungry.
ANNA: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! We haven't met properly.
You must be Sam Franklin.
Charlie Edwards.
Hell of a day.
Always is in this place.
How did you manage? I used to drink a lot.
LAUGHS Anything else you need? ANNA: Charlie, get your BLEEP arse back in here now! Oh.
Some earplugs, maybe.
SAM LAUGHS See ya later.
TONY: Oh, guys.
ANNA SHOUTING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! I can't take any more pacing, I have to do something.
Do we know if it's a boy or a girl yet? I've bought things for both.
ANNA GROANS, BABY CRYING BEN EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY (I think we're about to find out.
) BABY CRYING Oh-ho-ho! It's a girl.
Ah.
Everyone, this is Scarlet Rose.
That's such a beautiful name.
How did you choose it? I named her after something very dear to me.
My lipstick.
Oh, for God's sake.
Her name's perfect.
It's our little Scarlet Rose.
SNIFFLES AND WHIMPERS You've all been wonderful.
OK, guys, come on.
OK.
Come on.
See you later.
Mr Evergreen, a productive meeting, I trust? Oh, my God, Mother! Who was that harlot, Laurence? Mother, I-I-I can explain.
She looked like that Hepburn woman.
SNIFFING Ooh, I can smell her on you.
Cheap perfume and Victory Vs.
Mummy's gonna take care of everything.
You are the most precious thing to me.
You get everything done you needed to? Yeah.
I'll tell you about it later.
There's a car for you.
Oh, thanks.
Good luck, eh? Thank you.
CHARLIE: Bye.
JULIET: Bye.
LAUGHS It makes perfect sense when you see the three of you together.
I'll wait outside.
Wanna go home? BABY GURGLING See ya.
Yeah.
Darren, you'll find someone amazing.
Wow! I cannot believe you just had a baby.
You look incredible.
I know.
BOTH LAUGH Use it wisely.
Thank you.
Have a great life.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Look after that little girl, eh? I will.
I'll never forget what you taught me.
Titsand teeth Will get you a long way.
LAUGHING You gave me the happy ending I never thought I could have.
You know where we are if you ever need us.
EXHALES SHARPLY I left you a little thank you in my locker.
So where are we going? New York.
I've got a lovely little place.
Charlie.
Mm-hm? I don't do "little".
CHARLIE: Darling, prices are high in New York.
ANNA: That's OK, I'll treat you.
You know, now that I'm a mother, I think I need new shoes.
CHARLIE: Do you, now? Well, the shops are in the totally opposite direction.
ANNA: Charlie, relationships are about give and take.
I just gave you a child, now take me to Bond Street.
ENGINE STARTS SAM: 'For some of us, there is a happy ending' SIGHS That was so romantic.
One day I would like to ride off into the sunset with the woman of my dreams.
'.
.
the rest of us carry on, hoping one day it will be our turn 'to find the buried treasure or meet the love of our lives.
'Until then, I guess we'll all just get on with it '.
.
and look after our friends along the way.
' GINO: We've got the big poker game here today.
Gamblers are my kind of people.
We're not afraid to put our balls on the line.
Damien Rushby's my father.
But he's one of the biggest hoteliers in Europe.
I'll take Babylon off your hands.
Babylon is not for sale.
You're the famous author.
I'm Bobby Mack.
Maybe we could swap places for the day.
Cheers.
I believe you've been expecting me.
I'm Arianna Adams.
Ooh, she's here! She's here! Please welcome Mr Bobby Mack.
APPLAUSE Do you mind if I kiss you? All thisplus Babylon.
They're as true today 'as they were in, say, the era of the three-day week.
'Both now and then, people have gone to extraordinary lengths to secure a fortune.
' Hello, love.
What's your name? SIREN WAILS Bollocks.
Sorry.
No rest for the wicked.
'Everyone wants a future where they don't have to worry about money.
' SIREN CONTINUES WAILING Morning, cock.
'How people go about achieving it depends on who they are.
'Some are prepared to steal from others.
Hello, my darlings.
Let's get you hid.
'Some of us will do anything to stay awake 'and earn their precious overtime.
' Hi.
Hi! 'Some of us never had to worry.
' SHE SIGHS 'And some of us rely on luck to see us through.
' 'Not that it always works.
' Oh.
Uh, uh, uh 'But whatever we do, we'll all keep on hoping 'for that extra bit of cash or piece of good fortune to come our way, 'just like people always have.
' Listen, I'll give you a monkey if you let me go.
HE CHUCKLES In ya get.
'So if there's a chance to discover some hidden treasure' '.
.
wouldn't we all take it?' HUBBUB I'm dealing with this gentleman here.
So if you could just be patient.
Thank you.
.
.
Yes, sir, how can I help you? "John and Rob and Ray looked, but they couldn't see.
"Where, oh, where could Jimmy be?" What does it mean? May I have a look at that? No, you may not.
It's mine.
Huh! HUBBUB Sir, madam, if you're patient Anyone been looking for me? Mr Barnes, as I said before, I will call you if anybody asks for you.
Right.
Well, I'll be in the spa if anyone does want me.
Busy this morning.
You can say that again.
Gino, I need a favour.
I need you to keep your eyes open for someone.
You won't be able to miss him.
He's got this big, ugly, moon-shaped scar on his face.
Doesn't sound like the sort of person would like to meet you in a dark alley.
No! He's an old friend, a bit of a joker.
He always likes to surprise me.
Ah.
Anyway, I wanna surprise him this time, so, erjust Count on me.
You shouldn't be on your feet so much.
And you really should think about getting yourself some flats.
Wash your mouth out! Right, do you have my water? SHE GASPS AND WHINES Darren, I said I wanted fizzy water.
Oh, sorry.
That's all they had.
Here, which do you prefer? Disposable or washable? What ARE those? Nipple pads.
Thank you.
I just thought you might need them.
Darren, go away.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Right, I'm going to the staff meeting.
I'll be back soon.
Anna, why are you carrying on with this? Everyone knows he's not the father, he knows he's not the father.
Why don't you just put the poor guy out of his misery? He didn't look miserable to me.
I happen to be quite a catch, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
I had to deal with a complaint about housekeeping.
God! Don't we all miss Jackie? SHE LAUGHS Ooh! Is that the book that everyone's got? Who IS Harold Kelly? Bloody hell! A bit busy out there.
Is something going on? Um, I was just about to say that Harold Kelly was a prolific jewel thief and in 1973, he was arrested right outside the hotel.
He's been in prison ever since.
What did he do, nick the Crown Jewels? My Great-Uncle Buck, in Spain, was a notorious thief.
What did he steal, a goat? HE SCOFFS A goat! 27 goats.
Well, Harold died recently, in prison, leaving behind him his autobiography, which he insisted was published posthumously.
It hit the shelves today.
Why are they all walking around with a copy of it? It's spooky.
That's where we get to the juicy bit.
You see, just before he was arrested, Harold stole 12 cut emeralds, which he claims he hid somewhere in the hotel.
And the book contains clues as to where they're hidden.
SHE GASPS "Find what's missing from Black Princess Lake "and you'll find the treasure, which is yours to take.
" Oh, dear.
Not exactly Yeats, is it? SAM LAUGHS It's a hoax.
Do you really think there's buried treasure HERE? Doesn't matter.
The books are flying off the shelves, hence all the people out there.
It won't be long before the press hear about this, which is good - free publicity for the hotel.
No, I want to downplay this as much as possible.
Oh, I disagree.
Let's get the world and his wife in here.
If they wanna know something, they have to be paying guests.
Milk the buggers for every penny.
And what about our real guests? They should come first.
BOTH: Hotel comes first.
Eryou're right, Juliet, of course.
Guests come first.
Thank you, Sam.
Right, that's it, everybody.
Let's try not to be too distracted by the treasure.
Anna, today will be quite full-on.
Are you sure you're gonna be OK? Yeah.
Yeah, I've got ages to go.
Not really.
You're, what, eight months? Yeah, yeah.
Like I said, ages to go.
Well, if it gets too much, just let me know, and don't carry anything heavy like books.
Sam's right.
All this hoo-ha about hidden gems in the hotel - it's a load of tosh.
If this Kelly chap did hide the gems here all those years ago, surely somebody would have found them by now.
No, but imagine if they were still here and you were the one to find them.
SHE SIGHS Oh, how you could spend the money.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello.
Oh, where are you? Oh, you know I've picked a day for it.
(Hold on, she's standing right next to me.
) So, the book.
What's all the fuss about? Oh! HE SHRIEKS SHE PANTS Oh, my God! It's not coming, is it? No, no.
No, it's OK, it's OK.
It's a phantom contraction.
It'll happen every now and again.
I just need to I just need to sit down somewhere quietly for five minutes.
Course.
Do you need me to help? Oh, no.
I'll be OK.
OK.
Yeah.
Phew.
Hey! Cow! SHE EXHALES DEEPLY It's mine! THEY ALL GRUNT Give it back! I was here first.
In your dreams, posh boy.
Ooh! Oh! SHE PANTS Oh, God.
Ha! Suckers.
BOTH: Ah-ha! THEY BOTH GRUNT Give it to me! HE GROANS Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna go and get my own copy.
Well, go on, then.
I'm going to.
BEN SHRIEKS SHE GASPS Oh, money.
HE SIGHS Give me one moment, Mother.
How do you do? I'm Juliet Miller, the general manager.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
How do you do? Laurence Evergreen.
I very much hope you can help me.
I have an important meeting.
I need to find somewhere for Mother to stay today.
Your mother? My mother is Constance Evergreen.
I assume you've heard of her.
The actress? I thought she was Yes, of course I have.
It's a matter of life and death.
She mustn't be left on her own.
There must be someone with her at all times.
That's not really a service that we provide, Mr Evergreen.
Double, triple - you name your price.
Mr Evergreen? Sam Franklin, owner.
I think what Ms Miller was saying is that while this is a service we don't normally provide, I'm sure we can find something your mother will like.
Yes, that is exactly what I was about to say.
And I'm sure that Mr Franklin would like to make sure that your mother has everything she needs, personally.
Mother Mrs Evergreen, welcome to Hotel Babylon.
I don't like the look of you.
You remind me of Errol Flynn.
Bastard! Gave me the clap before it was fashionable.
Keep this quiet.
Sure.
Eryou see these boxes here, Dave? Can you get them up to the MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY Yeah.
Cheers, mate.
Evergreen, like the old actress? This is Constance Evergreen, Anna.
SHE LAUGHS Don't be silly.
She's dead.
If she were alive, she'd be, like, really, really, really, really old.
You're like an understudy I once had.
Screwed my husband - the third.
Or was it the fourth? I can't remember.
Which was it, Laurence? The third one, Mother.
Well, I think I'll leave you in Ms Miller's capable hands.
Um, enjoy your stay, Ms Evergreen.
Not bloody likely.
Sorry, what? Nothing.
Now, Mother's a little prickly at first, but lovely when you get to know her.
Whoever you assign to her mustn't let her out of their sight and they must not let her near alcohol.
Mr Four.
Four times the going rate.
We'll make sure that she's supervised at all times.
My! But aren't you the spitting image of Dennis Price? Am I? Thank you.
We should have made Kind Hearts And Coronets together.
Robert Hamer wanted me, of course.
Joan Greenwood was a contemptible whore.
I see.
Still, it meant that we met.
Those were the most wonderful years of my life.
I never forgot you, Denny.
Tony, could I have a word? Yes, I can hold.
And then, when you give them your interview, you can let something slip about the emeralds.
You know, accidentally on purpose.
Let's see how busy we can make this place.
Ooheek.
Awkward.
Who do I listen to - my boss or my boss's boss? Do you generally just vocalise every thought? Oh.
Did I just say that out loud? Mmm.
Mmm.
Turn.
Ah! SHE SLURPS SHE BELCHES Oh.
PHONE RINGS PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Front desk.
Ben speaking.
Arthur Barnes' room, please.
I'm sorry, Mr Barnes isn't answering.
Would you like to leave a mes? DIALLING TONE Hello? In your own time.
Ninth floor.
Sorry, I don't have anything for a tip.
That's OK.
I I have all the tip I need.
Arthur, where are you off to? A spot of brunch, I think.
Ah.
Did you see the woman in this room? Who could miss her? HE CHUCKLES One day I would like the love of a woman like that.
HE LAUGHS For a couple of hours.
THEY BOTH LAUGH Never underestimate the love of a good woman - best thing in the world.
I spent 15 years with the love of my life, my Rita.
Passed away recently.
Oh, Arthur, I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
You know the old saying.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It's very true.
I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with Rita.
LIFT DINGS Oh.
Let's split up.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINING WHINING CONTINUES Oi! Come on, out of there.
Come on.
This is hotel property! Out of bounds.
Unfortunately, there is absolutely no evidence to back up the claims that Mr Kelly made in his autobiography.
So you're saying it's nothing more than a publicity stunt? Over the last 35 years, this hotel has undergone several periods of major renovation, so if Mr Kelly did hide the jewels, then I'm afraid they're long gone.
Emily James, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Cut there.
Thanks, Emily.
It'll make the lunchtime news.
Thanks, Dustin.
Um You didn't hear this from me, but the jewels may be more real than I made out.
Thank you.
Phew.
Why did you never reply to my letters, Denny? ErI never got any.
I was always moving around a lot, you know.
Oh, look at this for timing! Oh, I was incredible in this.
I should have got top billing, of course.
Have you got everything you need? Oh, you're always so good to me, Denny.
Now, I've got to run a little errand, so I'm going to nip out.
But I need you to promise me that you're going to stay here.
Haven't I always done everything you asked, Denny? Remember Brighton? SHE LAUGHS How could you forget? THEY BOTH CHUCKLE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES I've been keeping my eyes open, Arthur, but I haven't seen anything of your friend.
You know, the joker with the scar.
I thought he'd be here by now.
I really want it over and done with.
Want what over and done with? Hmm? I've said too much.
I shouldn't.
No, no, no, please.
Arthur, discretion and Gino Primarola go together like roast beef and Yorkshire pie.
I mentioned my Rita to you earlier.
Well, technically speaking, she wasn't my Rita, she was already married to the kind of man you don't divorce.
A Catholic.
A gangster.
Gary Pointer.
Ooh! Of course I've heard of him.
The "Shy Don", they call him - because he never comes out of his house.
That's right, hasn't come out in 15 years - not since the day his wife ran off with her driving instructor.
Ah.
You're the driving instructor? But what has that got to do with your friend with the scar? The man with the scar isn't my friend.
He works for Rita's husband.
And when he gets here he'll take me to him.
He's going to take you to him? But he's a dangerous man.
He going to Rita and I were living in Australia till she passed away.
Before I left, I settled all me debts and I was left with a grand total of £28,391, and I'm gonna spend every last penny.
I don't need money any more, you see, Gino.
I've come home to die.
But, Arthur, there's so much to live for.
Not for me.
The joke's on him, see? I'm already dying.
The big C.
Oh.
Arthur I'm sorry.
They say the last six months are the worst.
(I don't wanna live through that.
Would you?) No.
OK, thank you.
Bye.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Yes.
I can't believe people are falling for this rubbish.
I mean, look at this.
"John and Rob and Ray looked, but they didn't see.
"Where, oh, where could Jimmy be?" What does that mean? It's a riddle.
Oh, really(?) SHE SIGHS If I could just If I could just work it out.
Do you know how hard it is being surrounded by wealth every day and knowing I could spend it so much better than any of these plebs? SHE GASPS DRAMATICALLY Actually, that's quite clever.
What's actually quite clever? Well, it's the Doors.
The band.
John Densmore, Robby Krieger, Ray Manzarek, Jimmy - Jim - Morrison, the lead singerwho died.
SHE GASPS So he's like a lost Door.
We're looking for a lost door! Sam, you're a genius.
Yeah.
But where is it? How are we going to find a lost door? WE?! I solved the clue.
It's my book.
SHE GASPS Oh! SHE PANTS Are you OK? Oh, yeah.
Just ajust a moment of excruciating agony, and it eventually ebbs away.
Can I do anything? Yeah, actually, could you keep an eye on the desk till Ben gets back? Thank you very much.
ErAnna I'm busy.
I need to speak to you, and it's very important, so could you meet me down here at two o'clock? Why are you being so mysterious? What do you know about the treasure? Just meet me here at two o'clock, OK? John, Rob, Ray, Jimmy Rob.
Robert.
Roberto.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE WHISTLES James Vineyard '49, John Adams Vineyard '57, Raymond De Veil '56, Vina da Roberto Silvera '52 Room 214.
Yes! Hello? HE TAPS THE WALL DOOR UNLOCKS BOTH PANT AND MOAN Ms Evergreen? Connie? Connie! Denny? Connie? LOVERS MOAN AND PANT BOTH PANT AND GROAN How many more of you people?! SHE SCREAMS Dead man, second floor supply cupboard.
You must come now.
SHE SINGS SOFTLY SHE GROANS GENTLY Oh, Denny, you came back! Yes.
SHE GIGGLES Oh! Careful.
He was right here, I swear! And you're sure it was this floor? I'm sure it was this floor! Maybe we should check the other floors, just in case.
It was THIS floor! He was right here and he was dead! DOOR OPENS Is everything OK? Erfalse alarm.
A dead body doesn't just get up and walk away.
Someone must have been playing a prank on you.
Who would do this? HE TAPS Maybe Sam, what are you doing? Nothing.
LOVERS GRUNT AND GROAN LOUDLY THUMPING Oh, James! James! Yeah! Oh! James! LOUD THUMPING MOBILE PHONE RINGS MOANING AND THUMPING STOPS Wha? SHE GASPS Room service.
Oh REVS DRILL HAROLD KELLY: Hello, my darlings.
Let's get you hid.
SHE LAUGHS What sort of a twisted place is this, employing bloody perverts? I'm very sorry.
If we could just step into my of No, thank you.
My wife and I are leaving and we're never coming back.
Come on, Susan.
Sharon! Where's Anna? Dealing with a guest.
Emily.
Mm-hm? What exactly did you tell the press about the treasure? And what did you and Sam talk about earlier? Gosh, were Sam and I talking? Listen, Sam can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
I don't know what you mean.
Oh, I think you do.
Oh.
SHE GASPS SOFTLY SHE TUTS Oh, shit! Oh! You're there already?! You do realise you're early? No.
No, OK, the caff on the corner.
OK, I'm on my way.
Come on, Connie, we're going for a walk.
SHE SLURS Why the bloody hell would I wanna go for a walk? Oh! It's you! Are we eloping, Denny? Hello.
What are you up to? What? Either you tell me, or I'll tell everyone.
Tell them what? That you found the treasure Shh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you found it! Shh! Shh! The first clue was about a lost door.
There is a lost door in the wine cellar.
There was a picture of it right there, all along! This is like serendipity, or what? I mean, I'm meant to find the emeralds.
I just know I am! God, this is incredible! It's like my whole life I've just been leading up to this moment.
All the let-downs, all the crappy boyfriends.
Cover for me.
I've gotta go and see if they're really there.
OK.
For half.
What about for love? What about for half? Deal.
BOTH SPIT AND CLICK FINGERS Sorry, Connie, this won't take a minute.
Olivia.
You Tony? What the fump is this? Erfump? I choose not to curse.
Do you know who the fump I am? ErOlivia Nightingale, I hope.
And Olivia Nightingale is not a secret agent.
No.
No, I didn't think you were.
I was under the impression I was performing in the Hotel Babylon, but I have to meet you in this shoe-hole.
I do not do clandestine, understand me, hon? Well, I'm sorry about that.
It's just it's a bit of a tricky situation.
You call that an apology? I call that a fumpin' disgrace.
And see this? They used cream from a fumping can.
I specifically said no cream from a can.
You know what cream does to my voice? SHE SINGS ASCENDING SOUL NOTES VOICE SCREECHES ON HIGH NOTE You hear that? All gloopy.
That was a horrible noise.
What the fump does she mean by that? No, no.
She didn't mean anything.
Um, Connie, this is Olivia.
She's a singer.
Singing?! I had a poodle once who sang like that when Stanley Holloway sat on him.
I Just Lovely man.
Yeah.
I'd really like to apologise for that, actually, Olivia.
Is this some sort of fumping joke, you fumping piece of shoe? Well, fump you and fump this old biddy! I'll fump you both up.
I'll rip your dimp off and shove it up your ashtray! No.
Olivia, let me explain.
Don't do anything hasty.
Just wait a moment.
Just one minute of your Connie, do you realise what you've just done?! Where am I supposed to find a replacement for Olivia now? RUSTLING AND CREAKING SHE SCREAMS SHE WHIMPERS SHE SCREAMS Slow down, Denny! Jesus, Tony! Will you chill? Excuse me? SHE SIGHS Getting old's a pain in the arse.
What's going on here? I don't get employed any more.
What? So the eccentric old lady thing is I don't get to do what I love - act.
So you act all the time? Does your son know? I'm rather good at staying in character.
Yes, you can say that again.
He has his games, I have mine.
He hasn't got a business meeting today.
He's got a strumpet in Clerkenwell he sees.
So are you gonna tell me why Olivia's so important? Can you keep a secret? I can try.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS I'm busy.
What - another one? I swear on my eyes, he was in there! You may want to swear on something that actually works.
I think we should call the police.
Are you insane? In case it's not a prank.
This is no prank.
I keep telling you, I touched him.
He was cold! But he grabbed you? That was the killer's hand.
So we're looking for a dead man with a scar on his face and two left hands? Yeah.
Sam, why don't you give the police a ring and tell them that? Um, Ms Evergreen? Um, that isn't your suite.
Where's Tony? I-I didn't like my suite.
It smelled of Oliver Reed.
Glorious bastard.
Right, well, let's hope this one smells a bit better - maybe, um, George Clooney.
I wish.
Ridiculous.
I'm telling you, I'm cursed.
Dead rise around me.
What? Haven't you heard? Today, I find not one but two dead men, and both vanish.
What do you mean, dead men? It was horrible, especially the second one.
I never forget his face.
Shot between the eyes.
And that scar Scar? Where? Like this.
Oh, my God.
DARREN: Cheers.
Ah-ha! There you are.
Oh, I just started my break.
Do you want a bite? No, put that down! Oh, please, Anna, I'm starving.
It's an emergency! Is it? Right.
Now, if you could just knock this wall down for me.
What? I-I don't I don't think that's Trust me, it's important.
Look, I may not have the best job in the world, but I need it.
For goodness' sake, Darren! Anna, no! I'm not gonna go around knocking walls REVS DRILL SHE GAGS Hello, Gino.
What can I do for you? Arthur, I need to talk to you.
Two men have been killed in the hotel.
One of them had a scar on his face a crescent-shaped scar.
Bloody hell! That's what I thought.
Very strange.
But then I stopped to think and look at the big picture.
I have read a lot of detective novels, Arthur, especially Sherlock Holmes.
And he say, "When you have eliminated the impossible, my dear Watson, "whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
" So I think, "Who remains that is still involved?" And it is you.
So that means I killed them.
Erno.
No, that's insane.
You're a driving instructor.
No, no.
It means you must have a gardening angel.
Who? That I do not know.
Who would be looking out for me? Oh, Gino, I had it all planned.
I don't wanna die in pain, slowly.
You'd better go.
I don't want you implicated.
Implicated in what? I didn't want it to be like this.
But, like I said, it has to end now.
I just have to do it myself.
HE GASPS Where did you get that? I just want it over with.
I wanna be with my Rita.
Yeah, but, Arthur, this is not the way.
What choice have I got? I've got a bloody guardian angel I don't want.
Bye, Gino.
Thanks for everything.
Ermaybe Rita is your guardian angel.
Maybe she doesn't want you to die yet.
Are you saying that the woman I love is protecting me from beyond the grave? Well stranger things have happened, Arthur.
Give me the gun.
I am such an idiot.
Get rid of it.
Uhuh Gino.
Thank you.
Oh, hmm.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES HE FLUSHES THE TOILET Damn.
Finished.
Oh, about time.
HE SIGHS Do you want me to go first? Darren, don't be so sexist! Yeah, actually, would you mind? Yeah, yeah.
DOOR CREAKS THEY BOTH GASP ANNA EXHALES SHARPLY THEY BOTH SCREAM Ugh! Oh DARREN CLEARS HIS THROAT Harold's second clue was Mmm? "Find what's missing from Black Princess Lake.
"The treasures are there, which are yours to take.
" ANNA SIGHS What does that mean? I have no idea.
But we've just gotta start looking.
Got it.
What do you think about Jasper? Who? If it's a boy.
Or Matilda if it's a girl.
Those old-fashioned names are coming back, aren't they? Darren, less chatter and more looking.
See, I've always wanted a big family.
Haven't you? Five or six.
What are you talking about?! Oh, I just assumed Well, now that we've moved things on Well, you know, that we'd, one day have you know, sex.
Oh, Darren! No! I don't want to talk about THAT.
It's just you're on your own and Yes, Darren.
Yes, yes, I am on my own.
And this is not how I thought this was going to be.
I thought I was going to get to enjoy having a baby.
I thought I was going to get to go shopping and buy lots of lovely little clothes and decorate a nursery in my gorgeous house in Hampstead with my husband, who loves me.
But I am not! All right.
We'll see how it goes, then.
SHE SIGHS Here we are.
Olivia's just called, actually.
She's on her way.
She's just stuck in traffic.
So, erwe'll just wait here.
Appreciate that.
Thanks, guys.
Hi, Olivia, it's Tony Casemore.
I'm very sorry about what's happened.
Umbut I really do need you here today, so if you could just HE MUTTERS SOFTLY HE GROANS No, no, no.
Oh! Oh! Probably the worst thing is I didn't get to test my theory.
The emeralds could be sitting in that very room as we speak.
As we peek? BEN AND EMILY LAUGH Oh, yes, very funny.
Get it all out.
THEY LAUGH Oh, marvellous.
Now I get to enjoy the creme of the Primarola wit.
Come on, then, Gino, do your worst.
Everyone all right? What's wrong with you? Have you found the jewels? Yeah, like I'd still be here with you losers.
HE LAUGHS James think he's worked out the door clue.
What door clue? Wine.
I mean wine clue.
HE SHRIEKS You know something, don't you? What? No.
Me? God, course not! Where's Anna? HE BANGS THE DESK MAN: Ah! Hello, sir.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
Arthur Barnes.
I wanna see him.
I'll try his room for you.
What name shall I give? Um MrDuck.
He doesn't appear to be there.
Would you like to leave a message? I'll wait.
What is this place? What's down here? No idea.
I've never seen it before.
Well, a fat lot of good you were.
I'm sorry.
They forced it out of me.
Well, the deal is off.
A secret room.
It's mine! I found it! And I lay claim to it! It's not the moon, Anna.
Oi! What are you lot doing down here? Anna has figured out the first clue.
Oh, she has, has she? I thought you weren't interested.
That's when it wasn't real.
What about you? You've got more than enough money.
Yeah, but I like the fun of it all.
It's all about the chase, Sam.
HE MUTTERS SHE MUTTERS SOFTLY Oh, my God! GUN CLATTERS Have you found it? ANNA EXCLAIMS Chateau Lafite '66.
I've died and gone to heaven.
THEY ALL GROAN Oh, James! Oh, for God's sake.
LOUD SOULFUL MUSIC PLAYS OLIVIA: Come on, give me more.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on! Ever since the day you Tony, there you are.
We were wondering where you'd got to.
I had been looking for her.
I called her and fumping well apologised and fumping well begged her.
Your friend's on the terrace, by the way.
I've got to finish the flowers.
Uh Mmm.
Denny! We're not in Brighton now.
.
.
You came You've been amazing, yeah So amazing OK, so now we've got just one thing missing.
OLIVIA CONTINUES SINGING .
.
Been amazing, babe So amazing, come on! Yes, you are OLIVIA'S SINGING DROWNS SPEECH MUSIC FADES Everyone's disappeared.
I'm checking downstairs for 'em now.
Just don't panic.
All right.
DOOR SLAMS SHUT Eugh! Right, erwe need to be smarter about this to solve the clue.
Darren, you said something about Black Princess Lake.
Eryeah, yeah.
So A lake named after a black princess.
Maybe the words are separate.
A lake named after a princess - Diana.
Black Diana.
Diana Ross! What - Diana Ross has the emeralds? No, Gino.
But, Emily SHE MUTTERS SOFTLY Find what's missing.
Black Princess Swan.
Black swan.
Swan princess.
Swan Lake.
SHE GASPS Oh! TONY: What's this place? ANNA GASPS AND GROANS TONY: Anna! EMILY: OK, so, black I've got something to show you and it's important.
Are you OK? Oh, it's passing.
THE OTHERS CHATTER Oh! WATER SPLOSHES Oh, my waters just broke.
Oh, please tell me I missed my shoes.
BEN: All right, Anna, it's OK! Well, someone call an ambulance! We need to get you out of here.
No, no, no, you go.
You go.
I want to stay here.
In fact, all of you go.
I just need a couple of minutes here alone.
Anna, we are not leaving you alone.
We are here for you.
You really don't have to be.
Oh, Mr Duck, there's Arthur Barnes.
Arthur Barnes! SCREAMING I'm Gary Pointer.
You stole my wife.
Turn round and face me, Arthur.
You're not Arthur Barnes.
Who the bloody hell are you? I'm a messenger, Mr Pointer.
You what? Ooh! Aarggh! OK.
Who sent you? One of your many rivals.
Does it matter which? Why the charade? You wouldn't leave your house, I couldn't get in.
I needed to find something that would bring you to me.
What about my boys? You killed 'em.
Amateurs.
I know you who are.
Your reputation precedes you.
Mallory.
Goodbye, Mr Pointer.
SHE GASPS Oi! Aarggh! SHE GRUNTS Tanya, get security and call the police.
OK.
ANNA: No.
Be sensible, Anna.
You cannot have your baby down here.
It's fine! I like it down here, it's nice.
We need to get you upstairs.
I'll carry you.
Or not.
(SIGHS) Look, can you all just just leave me alone? I just need a little bit of time just to get my head round all of this.
Oh, there's nothing to get your head around.
You're having a baby.
You're not the first and won't be the last.
Spoken like a true man.
Why don't you just get a club and beat her over the head? SHE WHIMPERS Oh.
Oh.
It's all right, OK? You need to take deep breaths.
MAN: Anna Hmm.
Since when did Hotel Babylon turn into a maternity ward? Charlie? Hi, gorgeous.
You know, there's something just a little bit different about you.
Have you had your hair cut? Hmm.
There goes the icebreaker.
What the hell are you doing here? Tony called me.
He told me about ev You traitor! I told you about Charlie in confidence.
Look, just go away.
I don't want you here.
Anna, when you told me that, I Shut up! In what world did you two think that my giving birth would be the perfect time for a reunion?! OK, how does everyone feel about lifting a very angry woman in labour? Nobody is going to touch me! Annashut it.
Who are you? Me? Oh, nobody.
Well, give us a hand.
Come on.
We need to lift her, but we have to find a safe way of doing it.
Perfect.
Let's just get her to the lift.
ALL CHATTER Where the hell have you lot been? Anna's gone into labour.
What's going on? Hey, you making a mistake.
Arthur is the victim here.
His name's not Arthur.
He's a hit man.
He was here to kill him, but Juliet hit him with a bottle.
Killed my two boys as well.
Arthur? Was one a skinny pale man and the other? One with a scar.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't you worry about me, Gino, they haven't got anything on me.
Not so sure - the lobby was full of people who saw you try to shoot him.
His gun, self-defence.
I'll be out in time for tea.
Not if I give the police the gun that killed those men.
You lied to me, Arthur.
Never lie to a Salamancan.
We hold a grudge like you will not believe.
Gino, you make an enemy of me and you'll regret it.
Fanculo! Are you OK? Of course I'm bloody not.
Where have you been? Oh, God, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
You were treasure-hunting.
What happened to Mr It's A Big Fat Hoax? It might not be.
You hear what he said? Two dead men.
I told you, but you wouldn't believe me! MUTTERS IN CROATIAN Where are you going? You said Anna was in labour, didn't you? Charlie, why are you here? That's pretty cool.
No-one's ever made me feel That I could ever make it Lord, no-one ever gave me anything All they did was take it No-one, no-one ever held my hand When I needed them to Oh, no Nobody but you Nobody but you-ou-ou Nobody but you I know exactly what I want for the rest of my life.
I wanna be with you and the baby.
Charlie, when I found out I was pregnant, all I dreamed of was hearing you say that.
But I thought I was never gonna see you again so I moved on.
I'm telling you right here, right now, I wanna be with you and the baby, that's it.
You're not here for me, you're just here because you wanna do the right thing for knocked-up Anna.
No, that's not it.
You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the baby.
And what if it's not yours? What if I lied to Tony? It's actually Ned's? Would you still want me then? Would you still be here? In a heartbeat.
I'm here for you.
Is it Ned's? No, it's bloody not.
He didn't believe in sex before marriage.
He was weird like that.
And in other ways, too.
He had this weird thing when he ate I love you, Anna.
I wanna be with you .
.
and with ourour little baby.
I miss you.
I miss your smile.
II miss you telling me off.
You know, life without you really is just Shut up and kiss me, you big, gorgeous idiot.
.
.
Nobody but you Oh, yeah Mmm.
And I certainly missed that.
SHE LAUGHS Listen just one more little thing.
Will you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Anna Thornton-Wilton-Edwards? Yes.
Yes, yes, yes! Ah! Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Get off! GROANING Where's the ambulance? I don't know.
Who called them? I thought you called them.
I thought you called them.
Well, I thought he called them.
I thought he called them.
Oh! Oh, bollocks, I'll do it myself.
Juliet, you've got experience.
You've delivered a baby? Juliet worked her gap year in a clinic in Malawi.
I watched births.
I didn't do any deliveries.
Well, just don't tell Anna that.
ANNA GROANING # .
.
Lean on me No-one ever told me You got a friend Would you shut the BLEEP up? .
.
No, no Ho, ho, ho.
Ho! BAND STOPS PLAYING Well, you heard the lady.
Let's fump outta here.
Phew.
All this waiting around drive me up the bend.
JAMES: Erwhat's that? Ice chips.
She might need to cool down.
How do you know what ice chips are for? This is not my first baby, you know.
I'm like Dr Spock.
So what's that for? She might be hungry.
ANNA: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! We haven't met properly.
You must be Sam Franklin.
Charlie Edwards.
Hell of a day.
Always is in this place.
How did you manage? I used to drink a lot.
LAUGHS Anything else you need? ANNA: Charlie, get your BLEEP arse back in here now! Oh.
Some earplugs, maybe.
SAM LAUGHS See ya later.
TONY: Oh, guys.
ANNA SHOUTING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! I can't take any more pacing, I have to do something.
Do we know if it's a boy or a girl yet? I've bought things for both.
ANNA GROANS, BABY CRYING BEN EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY (I think we're about to find out.
) BABY CRYING Oh-ho-ho! It's a girl.
Ah.
Everyone, this is Scarlet Rose.
That's such a beautiful name.
How did you choose it? I named her after something very dear to me.
My lipstick.
Oh, for God's sake.
Her name's perfect.
It's our little Scarlet Rose.
SNIFFLES AND WHIMPERS You've all been wonderful.
OK, guys, come on.
OK.
Come on.
See you later.
Mr Evergreen, a productive meeting, I trust? Oh, my God, Mother! Who was that harlot, Laurence? Mother, I-I-I can explain.
She looked like that Hepburn woman.
SNIFFING Ooh, I can smell her on you.
Cheap perfume and Victory Vs.
Mummy's gonna take care of everything.
You are the most precious thing to me.
You get everything done you needed to? Yeah.
I'll tell you about it later.
There's a car for you.
Oh, thanks.
Good luck, eh? Thank you.
CHARLIE: Bye.
JULIET: Bye.
LAUGHS It makes perfect sense when you see the three of you together.
I'll wait outside.
Wanna go home? BABY GURGLING See ya.
Yeah.
Darren, you'll find someone amazing.
Wow! I cannot believe you just had a baby.
You look incredible.
I know.
BOTH LAUGH Use it wisely.
Thank you.
Have a great life.
You deserve it.
Thank you.
Look after that little girl, eh? I will.
I'll never forget what you taught me.
Titsand teeth Will get you a long way.
LAUGHING You gave me the happy ending I never thought I could have.
You know where we are if you ever need us.
EXHALES SHARPLY I left you a little thank you in my locker.
So where are we going? New York.
I've got a lovely little place.
Charlie.
Mm-hm? I don't do "little".
CHARLIE: Darling, prices are high in New York.
ANNA: That's OK, I'll treat you.
You know, now that I'm a mother, I think I need new shoes.
CHARLIE: Do you, now? Well, the shops are in the totally opposite direction.
ANNA: Charlie, relationships are about give and take.
I just gave you a child, now take me to Bond Street.
ENGINE STARTS SAM: 'For some of us, there is a happy ending' SIGHS That was so romantic.
One day I would like to ride off into the sunset with the woman of my dreams.
'.
.
the rest of us carry on, hoping one day it will be our turn 'to find the buried treasure or meet the love of our lives.
'Until then, I guess we'll all just get on with it '.
.
and look after our friends along the way.
' GINO: We've got the big poker game here today.
Gamblers are my kind of people.
We're not afraid to put our balls on the line.
Damien Rushby's my father.
But he's one of the biggest hoteliers in Europe.
I'll take Babylon off your hands.
Babylon is not for sale.
You're the famous author.
I'm Bobby Mack.
Maybe we could swap places for the day.
Cheers.
I believe you've been expecting me.
I'm Arianna Adams.
Ooh, she's here! She's here! Please welcome Mr Bobby Mack.
APPLAUSE Do you mind if I kiss you? All thisplus Babylon.