Huge (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Parents Weekend Part 1

Previously on Huge You never mentioned that our chef was your father.
- No seconds.
- Yeah, it's no secret.
You don't have to play this game.
This is not funny to me.
You in love with him or something? He's married.
I hate myself.
I hate myself, too.
I know you.
Is that ok? What do we think about Wayne? What? Here.
- What about your food stash? - No way.
It's buried.
I haven't even touched it since the first week.
- You used to be friends with Chloe? - Just give it to me.
She was a completely different person last summer.
So you're, like, gay, right? I'd rather just be a person.
You could have at least told him it was a dare first.
What is she so pissed about? It's not like she knows the guy.
It was still wrong, though.
You wanna know the lamest part? That was my first kiss.
So, uh, parents weekend starts tomorrow.
I know.
I can't wait.
- That's nice.
- I can't wait to tell them exactly what I think of them, like what hypocrites they are.
And how I probably will never forgive them for how they've treated me.
Well, family time is always special.
Whoa! - Just shut up! - What started it this time? - Did someone say something? - No! - We don't say anything! - She's never not crying.
Ok, when we live like this, in a group, there's going to be things that grangle us, whether it's - "Grangle?" - Whether it's who gets to use the shower first, somebody walking around topless Come on, they're just boobs, people! Yeah, and we don't want to see them.
Right? What? Ah! Girls, go get Sierra.
- What? - Really? - Just please! - Again? Hey, Becca.
Some of the girls in cabin b are orphans this weekend, too.
So I'll be your make-believe mom, like Wendy in Peter Pan.
The point is, this weekend is bound to bring up some emotions.
So if you do opt to eat at a restaurant with your parents, rather than eat here, please make healthy choices.
Now Before we close, who here is looking forward to seeing their parents? Ian, what about you? Well, as everyone knows, since I talk about it compulsively, my parents never stop fighting.
At home, at least there's, like, facebook.
Or cake.
- Trent? - Stop it.
What are you looking forward to doing with your parents? Introducing my dad to my friends.
- Alistair? - Hopefully, just being myself.
Anyone else? I'm I'm kind of surprised by how much I miss my mom.
I, uh, actually can't wait to hug her.
I'm being totally serious, bro.
- Yeah, right.
- Screw you.
- Ok.
- Screw you, piznarski! Ian, Dante.
That's enough.
Alistair was saying how he wants to be able To be himself with his parents.
Is that true for you, too, Chloe? I know you two aren't the same person, but since you are from the same family - Wait, what? - You two are related? Yeah, so? You know what? That's enough for today.
Remember, healthy choices! Will, may I speak with you? - You going to free swim? - I'm not sure.
Well, can I walk you to the pool, please? I may not go.
Ready? The email came this morning.
I'm sorry.
I know you were looking forward to them coming.
It's really no big deal.
Is that it? They mentioned that they sent you a package.
Listen, I one, two, three! - Sorry.
- What? If I got in your way.
I can't really see where I'm going.
- You weren't in my way.
- Um Tell your brother I'm sorry, ok? Tell him yourself.
- Something's wrong with me.
- I was gonna ask you if something was wrong.
I'm just stupid.
I didn't even realize alistair was your brother.
So? That's ok.
- I didn't know piz's name was Dante.
- Nobody did.
- Did I, like, do something? - No! - Because ever since my birthday party - I'm just weird.
I'm just a big stupid weirdo.
You're lucky.
I'm totally dreading seeing my parents.
- You don't get it.
- Did your shirt come like that? No, I cut it.
I've been having these imaginary confrontations With them for weeks.
I have this massive speech where I systematically point out Their hypocrisy as scathingly as possible.
- Scathingly? - And then they just bail.
I'm like a rage-filled doughnut right now.
And poppy's gonna be all concerned about me.
- We have to hide from her this weekend.
- We? Yeah, we should stick together.
Maybe we can do that rune thing finally.
Yeah, maybe.
Ok, uh, thanks.
Uh, Wayne was here looking for you.
He said he'd been calling but he hasn't heard back from you.
I've been meaning to call him.
I have been.
So, uh, the parents come tomorrow, huh? Not everyone's.
Will's parents just blew it off.
Which I think is sickeningly selfish, if I may say.
Could be beyond their control.
That's not the feeling I get.
Feelings aren't facts.
Isn't that what they teach you in those meetings of yours? People are just extremely weird.
For instance, uh, Chloe and alistair.
- Do you know who I mean? - No.
They're twins.
And they've been keeping it a secret.
Isn't that weird? Better get yourself some curtains for that glass house.
What? You've been keeping me a secret.
No what? No, I haven't.
Dad! I have not been keeping the fact that you're my father a secret.
No, you just chose not to tell anyone.
Now, even though I'm a dot-com millionaire, i still like a woman who can bring home the bacon.
This show is the oil spill of entertainment.
That's why for your next challenge, you'll have to carry this plate of bacon through this obstacle course, and serve it to me without dropping a single slice.
Why is pork so funny? It's a funny food.
- Shut up! - So you know how bacon is greasy? I used to, before I became a bacon nun.
The bacon challenge got really intense.
Before I was forced to take this vow of pork chastity.
It almost broke me.
These girls ain't playing.
Who will bring home the bacon? Stay tuned.
I love to look my best, and be my best.
That's why I live core.
Core offers you the latest in equipment, and the finest in luxury.
The core experience will change you forever.
I live in a patriarchal society that assigns women merit Based on their looks.
That's why I live core.
I've got a core body.
Do you? Core.
It's not just a gym, it's a lifestyle.
Oh, sorry! I'd invite you to hang out with us, but I seriously can't inflict them on people I like.
It's just too stressful.
It's fine, you don't have to keep saying that.
The constant tension.
They'll argue about anything.
Anything! This shirt! That shirt is pretty polarizing.
Crap, there they are.
Still no sign of her? Oh, my God, there's Trent's dad! What's up? Ok.
All right.
Come on.
Tell me who you're into.
Ok, wait, I got it.
She's right there.
The blonde, right? - Right? - Uh, actually Huh? What did I tell you? Called it.
- Cliff.
- Called it.
You don't understand.
I happen to know this guy really well.
- Am I right? Am I right? - Mm yeah.
Yeah? I swear Come on.
Ok, I'll hug you, too.
- We should go.
- Maybe she got confused.
Maybe she thinks it's next weekend.
I'm gonna go back to the cabin.
See, I really thought we were friends.
That's what's so upsetting.
- Because now I realize - Hey.
What's up? - Hey, wanna shoot some hoops? - Not right now.
- Your parents aren't coming either? - No, they are.
Let me know If you ever want to.
You see? When it was just me whose parents weren't coming, she was nowhere to be found.
But now that she's gonna be alone, it's, "hey, let's shoot some hoops.
" Is that something you'd even do? Oh, I see your parents.
- Hi, mom.
- It's ok, they're with my sister.
Lookin' good, kiddo! Oh! Doesn't she? Look, there he is! He's definitely slimmed down.
- He looks the same.
- That girl he's talking to looks familiar.
- Oh, before I forget.
- Chloe, isn't that your friend from last summer? - Daddy, there's no place to spend money here.
- Becca.
- Isn't that Becca? - Doesn't mean you can't have it.
- Yes, mom, it's Becca.
- That's so nice.
- Did you introduce them? - I'll get you some cold drinks, ok? What's he waiting for, an invitation? - Alistair! - Come here! Both of you! - I can't get over how good you look.
- Thanks.
- How bad did I look before? - Dante! That's not what I meant.
I know.
Is that a girl you like over there? What? No.
Um, don't ask questions like that, ok? Ok.
Trent? Hi.
Oh, hi.
Here's your drink.
And we almost ran out of gas.
But by some miracle We found this funny little gas station.
- Thanks to you.
- Well, no, it was a team effort.
Um, one pump.
And the guy had no teeth.
I should have filled up before we left, like you said.
Oh, no, it all worked out.
It was an adventure.
You need a haircut.
So, uh, what sports have you been playing? Something, I hope.
Oh, yeah, you have to.
- He's been playing softball.
- Not that well.
- You're better than me.
- I do yoga.
- That's wonderful, honey.
- Yoga's not a sport.
There's a demonstration later.
Well, you two were deep in conversation back there.
We have a lot to talk about.
Are your parents here, Becca? So who was it we met last summer, your grandmother? - She couldn't come this year? - No.
Well, then you'll just have to join us for dinner, right? Absolutely.
That'll be great.
Daddy's not gonna like yoga.
He and I should go swimming.
Ok? - Sounds like a plan.
- I better go change.
- Ok.
- I just think it's so nice that you and alistair have, well, found each other.
It's really nice.
Mom? Hope everybody's decent.
Oh! This is Amber.
And that's will.
- This is my big sister, chelsey.
- Hey! - Hey, guess what? - What? I have pictures from Allison's wedding.
- Knock-knock! - Mommy! You're here! I'm here! Oh, God, now I'm gonna cry! - No! - Ignore me.
I'm such an idiot.
- I just missed you so much.
- It's ok, you're here now.
I know, can you believe it? - Look at you, you're so thin! - No.
- You are.
Don't get too thin, ok? - What? I'm kidding, ignore me.
But you really are thin, though.
Why are you here? - Mommy, she's visiting.
- Oh, right.
What is wrong with me? Oh, my God, it's so cute in here! I know! And this is my bunk.
Oh, my God! Would you look at that? And these are two of my cabin mates: Carter.
- Hi! - And that's will.
Is she the one we hate? We don't really hate her.
- Oh.
So she is the one? - Sh.
Are you guys going to the yoga thing with George? - I don't think so.
- Well, sure we are! Do you think I can't keep up with you? I just have to relieve myself fast.
By the way, honey, on the way up, I thought for sure indigo's car was gonna blow up.
You know someone named indigo? - Oh, I thought you were listening to music.
- I can still hear.
Well, my sister's name is indigo, my name's teal And I named my baby Amber.
I am colorful! - Oh, hi, you must be Amber's - Yeah, I really gotta go.
Your mom is so funny.
- Will, do you need a hug? - What the hell?! I frickin' got my period! I'm supposed to be in menopause! - I'll get you a tampon.
- No, it has to be a pad.
My uterus is tipped.
For real.
Like a teeter-totter.
Hi there.
I know you can hear me.
Prove it.
Come on.
Make yourself useful.
- You're working out a lot, right? - Yeah.
I've also been Doing other stuff.
- Are you ok? Everything ok? - Yes! - Stop asking me.
- All right.
I'll be right out! Are you sure you're ok? Wanna go back to the motel? - No, I want to see the camp.
- This is nice.
This isn't so bad, Ian.
This is the famous Ian? - I've heard a lot about you.
- You have? You have? That's good.
Isn't it? Oh, yeah.
- Introduce us.
- This is Trent.
- He lives here, too.
- It's an honor to meet you both.
- Oh.
When are you due? - November.
Well, come on, show us around.
Hey, good idea.
Ok? Well, she needs to stay off her feet.
- I'm fine.
- Have you seen the garden yet? - No, where's that? - I'll show you.
We, like, grow our own vegetables.
- Oh.
- I wanna see that.
- Nice and clean? - Yep.
So we're gonna dice these beauties up for the salad tonight.
Wait till you taste these.
They're like dessert, they're so sweet.
Here, smell.
Go on, smell.
I never smelled a tomato before.
That's a real tomato, not one of your store-bought imposters.
Look at us, we're swimming in 'em.
Something else smells really good.
Low fat brownies, for tomorrow.
Just took 'em out of the oven.
Now, hold your knife like this.
Ok? And dice away.
I have never cooked, ever.
Are you kidding? You're a natural.
- What was that? - Huh? Oh, uh, go get me some cucumbers and carrots from the larder.
- It's locked.
- Oh, right.
I guess I'm gonna have to find a new hiding place for this now.
So arms up, look up to the sky.
- That's right, nice long spine.
- Good for you.
Now, press your palms together.
I'd try it, but I have really bad cramps.
- Mom! - And, uh, shoulder blades down.
My uterus is tipped.
Like this.
- See? - Mom, sh! And, uh, lower your left hand.
And lean to the left.
You want to try this one? When you ask me like that, how can I say no? And, uh, bend to the right.
Oh! How come you never mentioned him? He's adorable.
- Let's go.
- What? - I'm just getting started! - So this one's called, uh, - "wind-blown tree.
" - Please! I want to spend time, just us.
Uh, so we're gonna sweep the arms back up.
Ok See you later! I hope! And back down to heart center.
So here we are, back in the dirty little cabin.
I'm joking.
But how do you sleep with all this dust? - I sleep pretty well.
- Yeah? A place this expensive, you'd think they'd clean it.
So we're alone.
Now what? I just wanted to hear how you're doing.
You're so funny.
You're gone, I'm stuck with my bitch of a sister.
How do you think I'm doing? Oh, look, ignore me.
I just miss you, that's all.
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Mom, thanks! Well, I'm not gonna not bring you something.
I put chocolate and butterscotch chips.
Ok if I use the facilities? - Sure.
- Oh Do you love it? I love it.
- I'm addicted.
- Yeah.
It calms me down.
A little.
It's a scarf, which is boring.
Well, you can always turn it into something else.
- Really? - Who's gonna stop you? - Oh, I love the colors.
Look at this.
- Thank you.
Oh, hi, honey.
I haven't gone yet.
- Where's the bathroom? - Through there.
- All set? - Mm-hm.
Mom? Come outside a second.
What is it, baby? You look so serious.
I can't keep the cookiehere.
We're not allowed.
Just don't tell anyone.
You're so funny.
You think you have to tell everyone everything.
They'll let me keep them in the kitchen, if I ask permission.
Let you? Aren't you paying them? I'll be right back.
It's gonna upset mom and dad if they think we're fighting.
- So? - So can we just pretend to be ok while they're here? And then you can go back to hating me.
I can't pretend.
- Is that so? - Ok, pile in.
Wait, let me get that for you.
- Is that him? - Yes! Sh! Oh, my God! He's hot.
I would totally make out with him, too.
- Thanks.
- I think it's dirty, for this kind of money.
But she wanted to be here, she made it happen.
God knows I can't afford all this Why are you chewing like that? That's how she always chews.
- Snalt? - Where would you like to sit? Where you lead, I will follow.
Uh how 'bout over there? Great choice.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
They've been acting like that all day.
It's kind of starting to freak me out.
Maybe they did couples counseling.
That's completely not possible.
- You gonna eat with us? - Will! Join us! Actually, you know what? I think I'm gonna skip it tonight.
But thanks.
Oh, hi.
Trent, introduce us.
Um, this is, uh, alistair.
We're in the same cabin.
This is Becca.
And this is Chloe, his sister.
- This is my dad and my stepmom.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Been waiting long? - Kind of, yeah.
Maybe we should all eat together, if it'll get us seated quicker.
They'll never have a table that big.
This place has really big portions.
Remember what Dr.
rand said about making good choices? - Maybe you and I could split.
- Sure.
Maybe you and I could split.
You two are such a cute couple! - Chloe, you want to split? - No.
I'm getting fettuccine alfredo with extra sauce, extra cheese and a side of fried clams.
Becca, why didn't your grandmother come this year? She died.
May I have your attention, please? Every parents weekend is special.
But this summer, it has particular meaning for me.
- For me, too.
- Because this summer, I have one of my own parents with me.
So I just want to thank him for this beautiful dinner, and just for being my father.
Dad? Would you like to say something? No seconds.
Let's sit down for a minute, ok? - It is so good to see you.
- Yeah.
We love you so much.
So much.
- Is one of you dying? - No, no, we're fine.
But there is something we want you to know.
- You're in couples therapy? - As a matter of fact, we are.
And it's helped us.
It's helped us realize that, um That we need to be apart.
We're getting divorced.
And we want you to know that that this This is a good thing.
Does that make sense? Yeah.
- Ian.
- I found these.
In the laundry room.
Please, just take them.
Good night.
Bye, mom.
Love you.
I feel sick.
I should have split with Trent.
Alistair? When you see Trent, could you tell him I said that? Tell him yourself.
I'm totally walking you back to your cabin.
This is so date-y right now.
- I appreciate the chivalry.
- Oh, wait for it.
- Ta-da! - Very suave.
That's how I roll, baby.
You'd be good at this.
Being someone's boyfriend.
Thanks, I guess.
I just mean you know the right things to do.
I would never be able to act normal on a date.
I mean, I can't imagine ever going on a date in reality.
Just think of it as larp-ing.
- I cast level-nine flirtation.
- Whoa.
That's a pretty high level.
I'm impressed.
What am I saying? I'm level nine awkwardness.
Did you know I was Chloe's twin when you met me? Um, I kind of figured you had to be, since alistair's not a very common name.
Why didn't you say anything before? I don't know.
I guess I didn't want to talk about her.
I always wonder what she thinks happened.
- What I did to make her change.
- Don't.
You'll drive yourself crazy.
It's not about you.
I think it was about me.
I think I was too clingy or something.
Screw her.
If she doesn't want you as a friend, it's her loss.
You shouldn't care what she thinks.
I know.
But I do.
I guess you should go inside.
Thank you again for dinner.
Good night.
Look how much worse I look in this shirt than you do.
- Mom! - It's true.
- You're so funny.
- Uh, teal? That was the evening bell.
Time to say good night.
Oh, um, well, can't I stay the night? Please, pippi? Please? I'll sleep on the floor.
- It's really not allowed.
- Well, she's staying.
- Mommy! - She got permission.
Well, I would have done that, but no one told me.
Um oh, look, it's fine.
Ignore me.
I'll just sleep in the car.
- I guess it'll be ok.
- Ok! Oh, no.
I, uh, left my wet laundry in the washer.
Hurry up.
Ian? Tomatoes, from my garden.
Who's Ian? Seriously, who is he? Oh, he's not important.
Uh, why would you bring me tomatoes? Your father called and said you needed some.
For parents weekend.
Would you do something for me? Uh, in the file cabinet, there's a bag of cookies.
Would you take them home? Who's Ian? He's a camper.
- He found the cookies.
- Oh.
- Should I just go? - What? Mom, we can't go outside after dark.
Mom! It just seems like Like you don't want me here.
No, mommy, please don't say that.
- That's the feeling I get.
- Mom, please, I'm so sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I just keep saying stupid things.
I'm a big stupid weirdo.
I'm just so exhausted.
You don't know what it's been like.
- I know.
- No, you don't know.
So do you want me to stay? I'll do whatever you want.
Yes! Please.
Please stay.
You still have that food, right? Well, yeah, but It's buried in the woods.
I really need some.
Will you help me? You sure you want to do this?