Joe vs. Carole (2022) s01e05 Episode Script
The Tiger King
1
Oh, good, you're up.
I got Carole in the back.
I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Well, get it to go.
Bring your camera.
I'm serving up breakfast with a side of justice.
What are you talking about, Joe? Carole Baskin came after my mom.
Time to introduce that bitch to my going-to-Tampa gun.
So the man you're requesting a restraining order for, this Joe Schreibvogel, he assaulted you? Yes, he dragged me from his vehicle, and he threw my body to the ground, and then he shot me.
Bang, bang, bang.
- Three times.
- Four times.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Four times in the chest.
- He shot you? - Yes.
And technically, it was a blow-up doll of me, but to Joe, it was me.
And he filmed the whole thing, and he put it online.
The man has threatened to kill her.
And what makes you so sure he meant the doll to be you? Oh, well, here, just look at this.
Please.
That bullet's for you, Carole Baskin! You keep coming after my mom, you get the whole clip! You hear me, Carole? - Yeah, he meant it to be you.
- Yeah.
What did he mean about you coming for his mother? Joe recently surrendered a lawsuit to us for a million dollars, which he does not have.
Right, but he does have a zoo, and he was afraid he was gonna lose it.
Right, so he transferred it into his mother's name Right, thereby hiding his biggest asset Which is fraud, but now the court has to question Joe's mother.
Right, and that's standard procedure, but in his twisted brain, he thinks that I put them up to it, so hence the Does he have a history of violence? - Oh, yes.
Yes.
- Yes.
Yes, extremely abusive towards his animals.
I mean with humans.
Oh.
Well, not to our knowledge.
- But I wouldn't be surprised.
- Yes.
Has he ever been physical with you? We have never met face-to-face.
He lives in Oklahoma.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you don't have enough grounds for a restraining order.
Yeah.
In our county, you have to be struck twice before you can petition.
You're saying in order to get a restraining order, Joe has to try to kill her twice and miss? Just because he hasn't physically struck her yet doesn't mean he won't.
I mean, we don't know what this man is capable of! - Honey, honey.
- We don't! - It's okay.
It's okay.
- No, this is not correct.
Sorry.
This is outrageous.
- And unsurprising, my love.
- What? In my experience, this is usually what happens when a woman goes to the authorities for help, no offense.
Okay, let's hurry.
If we hit a few green lights, I can get to my Spanish class on time.
We're conjugating today.
You're still going? Yes, I'm still going.
Why wouldn't I go? Carole, I don't know.
This just seems like a lot for one day.
Well, I'm not gonna let Joe hijack my life, and neither should you.
Let's go.
I don't think I can drive.
I'm just too upset.
I'm sorry.
And in.
Let it go now.
Good, and in.
And out.
So now that we're both grounded in this space, tell me, why hypnotherapy? Um, I have been having trouble sleeping.
How long has this been going on? - About two months.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, can't sleep at all, and then if I ever do fall asleep, I am plagued by these nightmares about alligators.
Alligators everywhere, slithering through my hallways and jumping on the bed, and I I try to run away, but I can't I can't move, and it's terrifying.
Why alligators, do you think? I don't know, Florida? So you feel out of control.
Do you feel out of control in your waking life? I thought this was hypnotherapy, not woo-woo psychoanalysis that takes ten years.
Are you uncomfortable talking about what's bothering you? No.
Because I believe nightmares come from somewhere.
Uh-huh.
So is there anything out of the ordinary going on? Um, it, you know My car had a problem, and my husband disappeared a year ago, and they thought I had something to do with it, which is ridiculous.
And throughout it all, I have been alone, very alone.
Would you like to change that? Um, no, thank you.
I'm not dating.
I have horrific instincts.
Every man that I ever was with, I thought was "ahh" and turned out to be "ugh," so This is starting to feel a little woo-woo.
What if I told you I could help you take all those feelings you have, box 'em up, and put them on a shelf inside your brain? That way, they won't take over your life.
Love that.
Yes.
Yes.
You'll feel more in control.
Because ultimately, what you think about, you bring about.
What you think about, you bring about.
So I'm guessing you're here for the early bird special.
When in Florida, you know.
Howard Baskin.
I am Carole Stairs.
- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Um, what brings you this afternoon? Well, I'm friends with the organizer, Mary.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Me too.
Oh, good.
Oh, good, yes.
So I'm a bit of a softy, so she always invites me, and I donate to her animal causes, and everybody's happy.
How about you? I am one of her animal causes.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- How about that? - Yes.
- Oh.
- I own a wildlife sanctuary.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Wow, well, now that I I see it now.
Birds, am I right? Sorry, no.
No.
All right, well, now, tell me, how are things in the wildlife sanctuary business these days? Rough since 9/11.
You know, no tourism, no donations, but I have turned things around, and I think we're doing okay.
Wow, good for you.
You must be really smart.
God doesn't usually give with two hands.
Isn't this incredible? - Oh! - Hi, Mary.
Hi! - Look at you! - How are you? Nice to see you.
Can you believe I got this place for free? - Wow.
- I told the manager, if the aquarium doesn't care that manatees are being gutted by propellers, then why should anyone else? - Yes, yes.
- Precisely.
- I see you two have met.
- Yes.
Howard, you have to speak to Stu.
Remember, I was telling you about his waste management company? Stu! Stu! Now, go and talk to him, Howard.
He needs your expertise.
Well, excuse me.
Very nice to meet you, Carole.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for coming early.
You're killing me over here.
What? Oh! Like, Howard? Why, is there something wrong with Howard? - Married? - No.
- Probation? - No, it's I mean, isn't he kind of vanilla? Oh, yeah.
I didn't think that was your type.
Precisely.
Okay.
Can you give him my number? Think could use a little scoop of vanilla - right about now.
- Oh! Swelling'll be down by Saturday, right? Man's getting married.
You all right, Rick? Maybe you should lay off the sauce a little while, huh? It ain't the booze.
I haven't slept well in a week.
I think I got a stomach thing.
Well, if you're gonna puke, do it the other way.
I'm paying good money for this hair.
- Hey, hey! - Hey.
Well, guess who finally got a friend request.
About damn time! I was starting to feel left out.
Carole Baskin's been contacting my employees, trying to turn them Benedict Arnold on me.
You gotta hand it to that psycho, she's got balls.
Big hairy monkey balls.
That monkey's climbing up the wrong tree.
Saff gave his arm for this zoo.
America's gonna see it all when Rick brings the footage to LA and sells the shit out of it.
Only thing we need now is a title.
What, you didn't like "Joe Exotic's Pussies"? I think I gotta call it a day, Joe.
We got a show to make.
I I can't.
I'm sick.
Bullshit.
I got just the thing for you.
How much you weigh, Rick? Oh, 180? What is that? Ketamine.
I use it all the time.
On the animals.
You're an animal, ain't you? Uh-uh.
I'm in recovery, Joe.
But it's medicine, vet approved.
Yeah, but you're not a vet or a doctor.
You don't get it, Rick.
This is a kingdom And I'm the goddamn king.
I am the Tiger King.
Howard? Uh Howard? What Oh, fuck.
Not again.
Give me some room down there.
My boys are getting squished.
Joe wanted them tight.
I guess whatever Joe wants, Joe gets, huh? Oh, man, I can feel my heartbeat all the way down in my crotch.
Don't you boys worry about those wedding jitters.
You're gonna look back one day with a smile and say, "This was the best day of my life.
" Ugh.
Aren't you nervous, John? Why? All just for the cameras.
It don't mean shit.
Told y'all to stay on my left! That's my good side.
You're gonna look great when you walk down the aisle, Joe.
Now, for the song, I was thinking something classic, like Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out.
" Rick, that's the gayest shit anyone ever said at this zoo.
There she is, light of my life! I was so excited, I woke up at 4:00 without an alarm.
Oh, I'm so glad you could be here, Ma.
You have always been there for me, no matter what anybody thinks.
You look very handsome.
Oh, so you made it, Chealsi? What are we even doing here? You can't marry two people.
It's illegal.
You can do anything when you're the goddamn king.
Yeah, king of bullshit.
Wait, can I do that one again? Yeah, go again.
You can do anything when you're the goddamn king.
This is ridiculous.
Can you tell Freddy Krueger here to back off? What's your damn problem? My problem is you getting your mom involved in your dumbass fight with that woman from Florida.
- That ain't my fault! - Now, don't fight, you two.
Uh, you know what? It is your fault.
You're the one who transferred the zoo into Grandma's name, okay? So now all kinds of people have been calling, and they're snooping around.
They're accusing her of fraud.
Get this walking cadaver out of my face before I break his camera! Relax, Chealsi.
When I sell this show, we're gonna have more than enough money to get Carole off our backs for good, and I'll take care of Ma.
Yeah, right.
Who's gonna pay to watch your stupid ass on TV? Why do you have to be such a cunt on my wedding day? You know, maybe you should try to get laid more often.
Might improve your attitude.
Yeah, 'cause you taking two up your ass has made you such a delight.
Joe.
- What? - Excuse me.
You got any idea where Travis might be? What's going on? Get cold feet? Why are you marrying me? See, I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause I fucking love you.
Is it for the cameras? What? Like, is any of this real, or are you just doing it for your TV show? - What you really wanna know? - Yeah.
I'm marrying you 'cause you're hot as shit and I can't believe you looked at me twice.
Joe, I'm being serious! So am I! Don't you believe me? I don't know what to believe anymore.
You're running around making crazy videos.
You're shooting up the Carole doll.
How am I supposed to believe that any of this is actually real? I'm just making drama, that's all.
That's what you're supposed to do for a TV show.
Nobody watches "Duck Dynasty" for the ducks.
But this thing you and me? Best fucking thing that ever happened to me.
Ain't nothing more real than us Except for maybe this hard-on I got for you right now.
Joe, shut the Joe, get the fuck outta here.
Come on, hey, tell me that ain't true love right there.
- Dickhead.
- Feel that.
Come on, look, I play up the Tiger King thing for the cameras, but I'll always be Joe Maldonado to you.
You're taking my name? Yeah, I'm taking your name.
- What, really? - Yeah.
That's so sick! Come on, let's go get hitched.
You on the groom's side or the groom's side or the groom's side? What? I ain't never been on TV before.
Joe, John, Travis, as you embark on this holy state of matrimony, strive to make real ideals that will bring meaning to this ceremony and to the sanctity of marriage.
Do you take each other to be your husbands? - I do.
- I do.
Sure.
Then kiss, damn it! Congratulations, husbands.
Yeah, we did it! Whoo! We did it! Oh, get the shot.
Get your ticket on a big jet plane ♪ Gonna be a star killer in LA ♪ ♪ Looking good, Mr.
Maldonado! Thank you! Where's John? I didn't see that coming.
Me neither.
But hey If Joe can get his, why can't I get mine? And I got mine too.
Congrats on getting married.
Oh, what's that? Photos from Joe's social media.
Oh! He makes fun of me for having three husbands.
At least I didn't marry them all at the same time.
Look at those outfits.
Oh, my God, I'm just - I'm wearing the same shirt! - Oh, my God! So did any of Joe's employees get back to you? No, unless you count a photo of a bare ass.
A bear's ass or a person's bare ass? Bare, B-A-R-E.
- Oh.
- Though not devoid of fur.
I thought one of them would turn, you know? But he's got them all so brainwashed.
Well, they rely on him for their livelihood, you know? It's really hard to get someone to break rank when they have so much to lose.
I guess there's one person I haven't reached out to yet who has everything to lose.
Hello.
This is she.
Who's this? You got some nerve calling here after what you done to my son! Hey, Grandma, who is it? It's that spawn of Satan, Carole Baskin! Gonna give her a piece of my mind! Okay, just don't upset yourself, okay? I'll get rid of her.
You tell her what's what, Chealsi! Are you trying to give my grandmother a coronary? The hell do you want? Listen, I'm very sorry to bother you.
I did not mean to upset Mrs.
Schreibvogel.
I'm calling because I'm worried about her.
Like you care.
You know people are saying she committed fraud because of you? I can't believe you'd do that to an old lady.
Okay, that's not my doing.
That's Joe's.
He put her in that position.
Yeah, that's 'cause he's a lying sack of rat shit.
I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but I'm glad that we agree.
It sounds like you care about your grandma.
Of course.
I don't want her caught up in this mess.
What if I told you there was something you could do about it? Oh, I thought you were working late tonight.
No, I came home to work on my radio prep.
Ah! Smells like a cantina in here.
Ah, it's the limes.
I'm practicing the Chuflay.
It's a Bolivian cocktail made with singani.
Amazing.
Oh, I found the most amazing Colombian arepa recipe.
We gotta put it on the menu.
It'll knock your socks off.
Have I told you lately that I just lose my pants for a party planner, Howard? That's a good thing! Well, you graduated Spanish Two.
I want our dinner guests to taste how proud I am of you.
Mwah.
Well, we can add this to the list - of things to celebrate.
- Yeah? I got Joe's niece to write a letter to the judge saying that he transferred the zoo under false pretenses.
How? I called Joe's mom, and Chealsi got on the phone.
So do you think that'll get the court to transfer the zoo back into Joe's name? Yeah, but I I thought you were just reaching out to Joe's employees.
Well, I did, and it didn't work, so I tried something else.
Okay, but What? I just don't want things to escalate any more than they already have.
They already shot me in effigy, Howard.
How much more could it escalate? Why don't you let me handle Joe and you help me with my radio prep if you're up for it? Okay, yes.
Okay.
So here it is.
Okay.
This is Big Cat Rescue.
Wow.
I do wonder what that is.
Well, that's obviously a tiger hammock.
Never saw a tiger hammock before? Not yet.
That's creative.
Thanks.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
- Can I ask you a question? - Mm.
I felt like we had a connection at the aquarium.
Well, I thought so too.
So why did you wait three weeks to call me? - Well - My daughter said that maybe you were some kind of player or something.
Well, to be honest, I actually had dates scheduled for those next three weeks.
Okay.
Oh, so you are a player.
No.
I mean, I don't think so.
I'm not really sure what that is.
- Let me try to explain.
- Please.
So I had already scheduled those dates before we met, and I thought I needed to see those commitments through.
It just felt like the right thing to do.
Well, you really are a good guy.
I hope so.
Yikes.
Unless that's code for boring.
No, no, no, no.
Um reliable? Oh, that might be worse.
I'll have you know I can be a real loose cannon.
Okay.
Yes, just the other day, I was looking at my kitchen, and I realized it could use some color.
- Uh-huh.
- So by the end of that week, that kitchen was mauve, just like that.
- Mauve? - Yes.
So your kitchen is pink? No, it's mauve.
Sounds pink to me.
Well That's funny.
Am I gonna say it? Yeah, I'll say it.
I like you, Howard.
- I like you.
- Okay.
That's scary for me to admit, because I do not usually choose wisely.
It's probably too early for me to be laying my baggage at your feet like this.
Cards on the table.
That's how I like to play too.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I was married before.
Yes.
Well, Mary told me.
Yeah.
And people have said some pretty nasty things about me.
I don't listen to gossip.
I was married twice before, actually.
Mm.
Had a lot of boyfriends before that.
- Mm.
- Couple girlfriends too.
Oh.
Cards on the table.
Well, no one can accuse you of being boring.
Well, thank you.
Does it bother you that I've never been married? I will admit that I'm curious about it.
Will you tell me why? Yes, yes, happy to.
I've asked a lot of married people over the years, if they could go back and do it again, would they? And a few say no, but most pause.
- Briefly, but still - Mm.
That pause tells you everything.
Only about 13% say yes right away, unequivocally.
And I realized I only want to get married if I can be certain I'll be in the 13%.
Hmm.
Um the cats come first.
I'm never gonna change that.
Why would I want you to change? But tiger cubs are so cute.
How can it be wrong to hold one? They are phenomenally cute, but you have to remember that those tiger cubs have been ripped prematurely from their mothers before they've had a chance to nurse.
And then when it ages out, it's going to be locked up in a dusty cage for the rest of its life or, worse, euthanized, so suddenly not so cute.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah.
Well, consider me converted.
Well, good.
Let's take some calls.
First up is Linda from Sarasota.
Yeah, I just wanted to say, I didn't know - any of this was going on.
- Uh-huh.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Is there anything I can do to help? Okay, yes, that's an excellent question.
You can call your congressperson.
We are diligently trying to bring our Big Cat Public Safety Act to Washington, and we need a sponsor.
So if every one of your listeners called their rep, we would be in D.
C.
by the end of the year.
I will, thanks.
Which'd be really good for the cats.
Time for our next caller.
We've got Joe on the line.
How are you, Joe? I'd be a hell of a lot better if Carole would get off my ass.
First you come after my livelihood.
Then you get my own flesh and blood to turn on me.
It sounds like you two know each other.
Yeah, well yes, this is a this is a known animal abuser named Joe Exotic.
Hold on.
And he has been the focus of one of our campaigns.
I'll have you know, the way this man treats his animals, he is one of the worst offenders I've ever come across in my career.
That is a lie.
All I've ever done was love on my animals, and I've rescued more cats than you ever will.
And that's to say nothing of the unsafe conditions at his zoo for the human beings.
Just recently, one of his employees had his arm chewed off by a tiger.
That was an accident! And at least I gave him room and board.
You don't even pay your goddamn people! Sir, this is public radio.
Please watch your language.
They play music on the radio.
All you do is talk.
What's the point of a station that don't play Clint Black or Garth Brooks? You know, I made some songs myself.
- You should put 'em on.
- Okay, this is the way he treats your audience, imagine how he treats his cats.
I think you need to shut your mouth, Carole, acting like some goddamn saint.
I would like all the listeners to know That you're freaking crazy? That I will not rest in my life until abusers like Joe are kept as far away from animals as possible.
Ha! Like you can keep me away from my animals! Well, we will see.
Damn right, we will! And just 'cause the zoo's back in my name don't mean you won.
You have no idea what I'm willing to do for my animals.
You have no idea what I'm willing to do.
Okay, let's take a breather.
Mark my words, Carole Baskin.
Before this is over, you will stop breathing.
You get all that? Yeah.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Joe has just showed us exactly why it's critical to pass this bill and to stop psychos like him from being in possession of these marvelous animals.
So, um, please pick up your phone and call your congressperson.
Um, okay, thank you.
This one's called the Gold Shooting Star.
Goes on for, like, 30 seconds.
Looks awesome at night.
Me and some friends are gonna go shoot some more off on Saturday.
I ain't doing nothing on Saturday.
Seriously? Yeah, if that's cool.
Well, you tell me.
You're the one that's married to my boss.
I'm a grown man.
I can do whatever I want.
Okay.
Saturday night, fireworks.
I'll see you there.
Afternoon.
Lucas Fields.
I've been assigned to inventory your assets.
That's gotta be one of the worst pickup lines I've ever heard, but I can assure you, assets are substantial.
Ah! Uh, sir, you have a $1-million judgment against you, yeah.
Since this zoo is back in your name, we have to take an inventory to assess how you're gonna make good.
That bitch sent you.
- Excuse me? - Don't play dumb.
Carole Baskin.
I was sent by the court.
Does he have a choice in this, Chase? Afraid not.
The law's the law.
Why? He didn't do anything wrong.
It's okay.
Let's give this bottom-feeder a free tour.
No skin off my ass.
I'll be rich before anyone takes a pebble off my land.
My producer's in Hollywood right now, setting it up.
After 30 years in TV, I thought I'd seen it all.
I've interviewed A-list celebrities.
I've smoked crack with vice cops after a bust.
Hell, I worked with Bill O'Reilly and didn't end up in a loony bin.
Joe Exotic is the craziest motherfucker I've ever met.
And I can promise you, America is gonna love him.
Are the firearms necessary? In case the tigers get unruly.
And do they get unruly often? Often enough.
- Have you heard from Rick? - Not yet.
20 minutes ago, the meeting started.
How long does a damn pitch take, anyway? Do I look like I've ever been to Hollywood? Excuse me.
Uh, so when were the cages built? How long does it take a suit to say yes and sign a check? Uh, sir? I'm in the middle of something.
I have to account for everything.
The cages, please? Oh, you wanna know about the cages.
Should've said so before.
Come on, let's show him the cages.
Come on in.
Look around.
Meet Bonedigger.
Close the gate, please.
What, you don't like tigers? Guess we're gonna find out whether they like you.
Please close the gate.
Oh, no sudden moves, dude.
No sudden moves.
You'll freak him out.
Hey, hey, hey, Joe, come on.
Look, what are you doing? Ain't there some dried-up turds in there you need to inventory? Hey, Joe, close the gate.
Joe, come on, close the gate! Gotta have an account of everything.
- Close the goddamn gate, Joe! - Joe.
I think we've had our fun.
Hey, Rink, don't be a buzzkill.
Show's over, buddy.
Come on, now.
Oh, come on, I ain't gonna let Bonedigger take more than a nibble out of him.
It's just a nightmare.
There are no alligators in your house.
Nothing's gonna hurt you.
What you think about, you bring about.
What you think about, you bring about.
Honey.
Honey, you're not gonna believe this.
I found curtido at the specialty market.
Our vegan pupusas are gonna be off the cadena.
Ah.
Agh! Ugh! I keep using tildes where acute accents should go.
Don't know why.
You know, you can skip the fancy menus for one dinner party, my love.
They are my signature, Carole.
People expect them.
My love Is this about the radio show? 'Cause you cannot let Joe get to you.
He threatened to kill you, Carole, on the air.
Yes, but he gave us a gift, because that congresswomen wants to sit down because of the radio show.
So I don't know.
Sometimes you just have to take all those nasty feelings and put them in a box and put them up on the shelf where they can't get to you.
Trust me, it works.
I'm gonna go get ready.
What is going on with Howard? Where is he? He's gonna be here.
This is not the kind of thing you show up fashionably late for.
Was I was wrong about Howard? Is that him? It can't be.
Oh, my Lord.
What in the hell are you doing? I told you, I am full of surprises.
Honey, you look hot.
When it came to the vows, I wanted to do something a little different.
So I asked you, Carole, if you would sit down with me and together write up a constitution laying out how each of us wants to be treated.
- Mm-hmm.
- A contract, if you will.
Sue me.
I'm a lawyer.
So here is our Declaration of Interdependence.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
We promise to always be on each other's team And together on the cats' team To tell each other the truth, even when it's hard To always be up front with our feelings and never let resentment bottle up.
And for the pièce de résistance, the majestic paella.
Whoo! Hailing from España, this is the traditional dish of farmers and laborers.
And of course, we have put our own vegan spin on it, right, sweetie? Yeah.
Thank you.
Clap, clap! Oh, dear.
Did you know that Spanish is different in Spain than it is in Latin America? For instance, in Mexico, they say gracias, and then in Spain, they say "grathiath.
" "Grathiath, grathiath"! Looks delicious.
Valerie was in the middle of telling us about her clothing business.
Yeah, kids' pajamas.
I forgot that you were doing that.
- Yeah.
- How how's that going? It's getting there.
I love my work at BCR, but I wanted to make my MBA work for myself.
Valerie has also been doing amazing work for our legislation initiative.
Oh, how's that going? Would you believe we might actually have a sponsor for our bill, courtesy of Tampa Radio? I didn't want to bring up the interview in case it was a sore subject.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna send that asshole a gift basket.
Oh, good, because if it were me, I'd be hiding under the covers and popping Vicodin.
No, actually, the ones you have to worry about are the ones that don't give you heads-up before they come for you.
You sound like you know from experience.
Unfortunately.
My first husband used to drink himself into a stupor and beat me within an inch of my life.
Oh, Carole Oh, no, it's fine.
It's not a funeral.
I'm still here.
No, this one time oh, my God.
He took apart a metal bed frame, and this is while he was drunk, and he took one of the railings, and he was chasing me around the room, slamming it into the walls, trying to smash my skull open.
Thank God he missed hit the wall, though.
Guess who had to patch that up.
Who wants another drink? Where you been? Been calling you.
Yeah.
Thought I should tell you in person.
Look it didn't sell.
What? They all passed.
You're fucking with me.
Good one, Rick.
Wish I was.
Wait, did you show them the shot of me on the throne and Saff's arm? I showed it all.
The networks are terrified of blowback from the animal rights folks.
They won't touch it.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I was counting on this sale, Rick.
Everything's depending on it.
Hang on to that.
It's the closest you'll get to being on TV.
There's gotta be someone else! I pitched it to everyone in town.
Well, then pitch it to someone out of town! Joe, I know you're disappointed, but I think I know a little more about this business than you do.
Seems like you don't know shit.
I should've known better than to hand my fucking show to a washed-up junkie.
I'm not a junkie, I'm a drunk, and if you're gonna shit on me, do it right.
If you think you're screwed, this was months of my life here.
I'm only gonna get pennies on the dollar for the footage now.
I thought you said there was no takers.
I can shop the B-roll, try to salvage whatever I can.
Shop to who? To whoever'll take it off my hands! Like Carole Baskin? - She got to you too, huh? - What are you talking about? First Chealsi stabs me in the back, then you.
Are you seriously nuts? She's been trying to find something to nail on me, and you're giving her the fucking rope to hang me with! You think I spent months in Fucksville, Oklahoma, living in this open-air toilet, all so I could sell the footage to some woman I don't know for a couple of bucks? - That's exactly what I think.
- Then you're the junkie.
You're high on your own bullshit.
You're not selling my fucking footage, you hear me? NEWS FLASH: you don't get a say.
All the footage in this room belongs to me.
Since when? Since you signed a contract when we started.
Next time, read the fine print, asshole.
I can't wait to get outta this shithole.
Hey, I call the shots around here.
You can't walk out on me! Watch me.
Well, everybody loved the food, clearly, and people couldn't get enough of your cocktails.
Yeah, apart from the showstopper about getting chased with a lead pipe, the evening was a real hit.
It was a metal rail, and they were asking the questions.
I'm sorry, why did you throw out the rest of the paella? 'Cause I don't want any remains of this dinner.
I would rather forget it.
I was just answering honestly.
Well, sometimes honesty is best served with a side of restraint.
Not everyone's lived what you have, Carole.
Well, lucky them.
I'm sorry I introduced a little too much reality to our dinner party.
It's not my job to hold my tongue to make other people feel comfortable.
Yes, it is when you're the host.
Look, you can talk about whatever you want, but if what you say or do brings up feelings in others, then you have to allow for that.
When am I not allowing for other people's feelings? You don't seem to care about mine! Not everyone can put their feelings on a shelf, Carole.
And every time I bring up Joe's threats, you shut me down.
It's just that I've been in situations like this before, and I feel like I know how best to deal with them.
Best for you.
What about me? What about you? Carole, you may be used to dealing with people like Joe.
This is the first time my wife's life has been threatened.
I'm allowed to disagree with you about how best to proceed.
Yes, sure, but you you should at least care about what I feel.
What happened to our constitution, Carole? What happened to being on each other's team? Of course Jesus, of course I care about how you feel.
I love that you're driving this train.
But sometimes I feel like I am just hanging on the side.
Well, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Maybe I haven't followed our constitution so well either.
I should have told you how I felt before this.
It's not easy sometimes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that Joe's threats have been so hard for you.
We can't let him come between us.
Still in the 13%? 13%.
Look, we can go to bed.
We'll just clean this up tomorrow Come on.
I don't know how you let Joe's threats just roll off your back.
I haven't slept well in weeks.
Hmm, that's funny.
I sleep like a baby.
Holy shit! Come quick! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No fucking way! Shit.
That's my fucking footage in there! Yeah, well, it ain't fucking in there anymore.
What the hell happened? Who did this? Did you see anything? Was it Joe? No, man, Joe would never do something like this.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I got Carole in the back.
I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Well, get it to go.
Bring your camera.
I'm serving up breakfast with a side of justice.
What are you talking about, Joe? Carole Baskin came after my mom.
Time to introduce that bitch to my going-to-Tampa gun.
So the man you're requesting a restraining order for, this Joe Schreibvogel, he assaulted you? Yes, he dragged me from his vehicle, and he threw my body to the ground, and then he shot me.
Bang, bang, bang.
- Three times.
- Four times.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Four times in the chest.
- He shot you? - Yes.
And technically, it was a blow-up doll of me, but to Joe, it was me.
And he filmed the whole thing, and he put it online.
The man has threatened to kill her.
And what makes you so sure he meant the doll to be you? Oh, well, here, just look at this.
Please.
That bullet's for you, Carole Baskin! You keep coming after my mom, you get the whole clip! You hear me, Carole? - Yeah, he meant it to be you.
- Yeah.
What did he mean about you coming for his mother? Joe recently surrendered a lawsuit to us for a million dollars, which he does not have.
Right, but he does have a zoo, and he was afraid he was gonna lose it.
Right, so he transferred it into his mother's name Right, thereby hiding his biggest asset Which is fraud, but now the court has to question Joe's mother.
Right, and that's standard procedure, but in his twisted brain, he thinks that I put them up to it, so hence the Does he have a history of violence? - Oh, yes.
Yes.
- Yes.
Yes, extremely abusive towards his animals.
I mean with humans.
Oh.
Well, not to our knowledge.
- But I wouldn't be surprised.
- Yes.
Has he ever been physical with you? We have never met face-to-face.
He lives in Oklahoma.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you don't have enough grounds for a restraining order.
Yeah.
In our county, you have to be struck twice before you can petition.
You're saying in order to get a restraining order, Joe has to try to kill her twice and miss? Just because he hasn't physically struck her yet doesn't mean he won't.
I mean, we don't know what this man is capable of! - Honey, honey.
- We don't! - It's okay.
It's okay.
- No, this is not correct.
Sorry.
This is outrageous.
- And unsurprising, my love.
- What? In my experience, this is usually what happens when a woman goes to the authorities for help, no offense.
Okay, let's hurry.
If we hit a few green lights, I can get to my Spanish class on time.
We're conjugating today.
You're still going? Yes, I'm still going.
Why wouldn't I go? Carole, I don't know.
This just seems like a lot for one day.
Well, I'm not gonna let Joe hijack my life, and neither should you.
Let's go.
I don't think I can drive.
I'm just too upset.
I'm sorry.
And in.
Let it go now.
Good, and in.
And out.
So now that we're both grounded in this space, tell me, why hypnotherapy? Um, I have been having trouble sleeping.
How long has this been going on? - About two months.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, can't sleep at all, and then if I ever do fall asleep, I am plagued by these nightmares about alligators.
Alligators everywhere, slithering through my hallways and jumping on the bed, and I I try to run away, but I can't I can't move, and it's terrifying.
Why alligators, do you think? I don't know, Florida? So you feel out of control.
Do you feel out of control in your waking life? I thought this was hypnotherapy, not woo-woo psychoanalysis that takes ten years.
Are you uncomfortable talking about what's bothering you? No.
Because I believe nightmares come from somewhere.
Uh-huh.
So is there anything out of the ordinary going on? Um, it, you know My car had a problem, and my husband disappeared a year ago, and they thought I had something to do with it, which is ridiculous.
And throughout it all, I have been alone, very alone.
Would you like to change that? Um, no, thank you.
I'm not dating.
I have horrific instincts.
Every man that I ever was with, I thought was "ahh" and turned out to be "ugh," so This is starting to feel a little woo-woo.
What if I told you I could help you take all those feelings you have, box 'em up, and put them on a shelf inside your brain? That way, they won't take over your life.
Love that.
Yes.
Yes.
You'll feel more in control.
Because ultimately, what you think about, you bring about.
What you think about, you bring about.
So I'm guessing you're here for the early bird special.
When in Florida, you know.
Howard Baskin.
I am Carole Stairs.
- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
Um, what brings you this afternoon? Well, I'm friends with the organizer, Mary.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Me too.
Oh, good.
Oh, good, yes.
So I'm a bit of a softy, so she always invites me, and I donate to her animal causes, and everybody's happy.
How about you? I am one of her animal causes.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
- How about that? - Yes.
- Oh.
- I own a wildlife sanctuary.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Wow, well, now that I I see it now.
Birds, am I right? Sorry, no.
No.
All right, well, now, tell me, how are things in the wildlife sanctuary business these days? Rough since 9/11.
You know, no tourism, no donations, but I have turned things around, and I think we're doing okay.
Wow, good for you.
You must be really smart.
God doesn't usually give with two hands.
Isn't this incredible? - Oh! - Hi, Mary.
Hi! - Look at you! - How are you? Nice to see you.
Can you believe I got this place for free? - Wow.
- I told the manager, if the aquarium doesn't care that manatees are being gutted by propellers, then why should anyone else? - Yes, yes.
- Precisely.
- I see you two have met.
- Yes.
Howard, you have to speak to Stu.
Remember, I was telling you about his waste management company? Stu! Stu! Now, go and talk to him, Howard.
He needs your expertise.
Well, excuse me.
Very nice to meet you, Carole.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for coming early.
You're killing me over here.
What? Oh! Like, Howard? Why, is there something wrong with Howard? - Married? - No.
- Probation? - No, it's I mean, isn't he kind of vanilla? Oh, yeah.
I didn't think that was your type.
Precisely.
Okay.
Can you give him my number? Think could use a little scoop of vanilla - right about now.
- Oh! Swelling'll be down by Saturday, right? Man's getting married.
You all right, Rick? Maybe you should lay off the sauce a little while, huh? It ain't the booze.
I haven't slept well in a week.
I think I got a stomach thing.
Well, if you're gonna puke, do it the other way.
I'm paying good money for this hair.
- Hey, hey! - Hey.
Well, guess who finally got a friend request.
About damn time! I was starting to feel left out.
Carole Baskin's been contacting my employees, trying to turn them Benedict Arnold on me.
You gotta hand it to that psycho, she's got balls.
Big hairy monkey balls.
That monkey's climbing up the wrong tree.
Saff gave his arm for this zoo.
America's gonna see it all when Rick brings the footage to LA and sells the shit out of it.
Only thing we need now is a title.
What, you didn't like "Joe Exotic's Pussies"? I think I gotta call it a day, Joe.
We got a show to make.
I I can't.
I'm sick.
Bullshit.
I got just the thing for you.
How much you weigh, Rick? Oh, 180? What is that? Ketamine.
I use it all the time.
On the animals.
You're an animal, ain't you? Uh-uh.
I'm in recovery, Joe.
But it's medicine, vet approved.
Yeah, but you're not a vet or a doctor.
You don't get it, Rick.
This is a kingdom And I'm the goddamn king.
I am the Tiger King.
Howard? Uh Howard? What Oh, fuck.
Not again.
Give me some room down there.
My boys are getting squished.
Joe wanted them tight.
I guess whatever Joe wants, Joe gets, huh? Oh, man, I can feel my heartbeat all the way down in my crotch.
Don't you boys worry about those wedding jitters.
You're gonna look back one day with a smile and say, "This was the best day of my life.
" Ugh.
Aren't you nervous, John? Why? All just for the cameras.
It don't mean shit.
Told y'all to stay on my left! That's my good side.
You're gonna look great when you walk down the aisle, Joe.
Now, for the song, I was thinking something classic, like Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out.
" Rick, that's the gayest shit anyone ever said at this zoo.
There she is, light of my life! I was so excited, I woke up at 4:00 without an alarm.
Oh, I'm so glad you could be here, Ma.
You have always been there for me, no matter what anybody thinks.
You look very handsome.
Oh, so you made it, Chealsi? What are we even doing here? You can't marry two people.
It's illegal.
You can do anything when you're the goddamn king.
Yeah, king of bullshit.
Wait, can I do that one again? Yeah, go again.
You can do anything when you're the goddamn king.
This is ridiculous.
Can you tell Freddy Krueger here to back off? What's your damn problem? My problem is you getting your mom involved in your dumbass fight with that woman from Florida.
- That ain't my fault! - Now, don't fight, you two.
Uh, you know what? It is your fault.
You're the one who transferred the zoo into Grandma's name, okay? So now all kinds of people have been calling, and they're snooping around.
They're accusing her of fraud.
Get this walking cadaver out of my face before I break his camera! Relax, Chealsi.
When I sell this show, we're gonna have more than enough money to get Carole off our backs for good, and I'll take care of Ma.
Yeah, right.
Who's gonna pay to watch your stupid ass on TV? Why do you have to be such a cunt on my wedding day? You know, maybe you should try to get laid more often.
Might improve your attitude.
Yeah, 'cause you taking two up your ass has made you such a delight.
Joe.
- What? - Excuse me.
You got any idea where Travis might be? What's going on? Get cold feet? Why are you marrying me? See, I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause I fucking love you.
Is it for the cameras? What? Like, is any of this real, or are you just doing it for your TV show? - What you really wanna know? - Yeah.
I'm marrying you 'cause you're hot as shit and I can't believe you looked at me twice.
Joe, I'm being serious! So am I! Don't you believe me? I don't know what to believe anymore.
You're running around making crazy videos.
You're shooting up the Carole doll.
How am I supposed to believe that any of this is actually real? I'm just making drama, that's all.
That's what you're supposed to do for a TV show.
Nobody watches "Duck Dynasty" for the ducks.
But this thing you and me? Best fucking thing that ever happened to me.
Ain't nothing more real than us Except for maybe this hard-on I got for you right now.
Joe, shut the Joe, get the fuck outta here.
Come on, hey, tell me that ain't true love right there.
- Dickhead.
- Feel that.
Come on, look, I play up the Tiger King thing for the cameras, but I'll always be Joe Maldonado to you.
You're taking my name? Yeah, I'm taking your name.
- What, really? - Yeah.
That's so sick! Come on, let's go get hitched.
You on the groom's side or the groom's side or the groom's side? What? I ain't never been on TV before.
Joe, John, Travis, as you embark on this holy state of matrimony, strive to make real ideals that will bring meaning to this ceremony and to the sanctity of marriage.
Do you take each other to be your husbands? - I do.
- I do.
Sure.
Then kiss, damn it! Congratulations, husbands.
Yeah, we did it! Whoo! We did it! Oh, get the shot.
Get your ticket on a big jet plane ♪ Gonna be a star killer in LA ♪ ♪ Looking good, Mr.
Maldonado! Thank you! Where's John? I didn't see that coming.
Me neither.
But hey If Joe can get his, why can't I get mine? And I got mine too.
Congrats on getting married.
Oh, what's that? Photos from Joe's social media.
Oh! He makes fun of me for having three husbands.
At least I didn't marry them all at the same time.
Look at those outfits.
Oh, my God, I'm just - I'm wearing the same shirt! - Oh, my God! So did any of Joe's employees get back to you? No, unless you count a photo of a bare ass.
A bear's ass or a person's bare ass? Bare, B-A-R-E.
- Oh.
- Though not devoid of fur.
I thought one of them would turn, you know? But he's got them all so brainwashed.
Well, they rely on him for their livelihood, you know? It's really hard to get someone to break rank when they have so much to lose.
I guess there's one person I haven't reached out to yet who has everything to lose.
Hello.
This is she.
Who's this? You got some nerve calling here after what you done to my son! Hey, Grandma, who is it? It's that spawn of Satan, Carole Baskin! Gonna give her a piece of my mind! Okay, just don't upset yourself, okay? I'll get rid of her.
You tell her what's what, Chealsi! Are you trying to give my grandmother a coronary? The hell do you want? Listen, I'm very sorry to bother you.
I did not mean to upset Mrs.
Schreibvogel.
I'm calling because I'm worried about her.
Like you care.
You know people are saying she committed fraud because of you? I can't believe you'd do that to an old lady.
Okay, that's not my doing.
That's Joe's.
He put her in that position.
Yeah, that's 'cause he's a lying sack of rat shit.
I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but I'm glad that we agree.
It sounds like you care about your grandma.
Of course.
I don't want her caught up in this mess.
What if I told you there was something you could do about it? Oh, I thought you were working late tonight.
No, I came home to work on my radio prep.
Ah! Smells like a cantina in here.
Ah, it's the limes.
I'm practicing the Chuflay.
It's a Bolivian cocktail made with singani.
Amazing.
Oh, I found the most amazing Colombian arepa recipe.
We gotta put it on the menu.
It'll knock your socks off.
Have I told you lately that I just lose my pants for a party planner, Howard? That's a good thing! Well, you graduated Spanish Two.
I want our dinner guests to taste how proud I am of you.
Mwah.
Well, we can add this to the list - of things to celebrate.
- Yeah? I got Joe's niece to write a letter to the judge saying that he transferred the zoo under false pretenses.
How? I called Joe's mom, and Chealsi got on the phone.
So do you think that'll get the court to transfer the zoo back into Joe's name? Yeah, but I I thought you were just reaching out to Joe's employees.
Well, I did, and it didn't work, so I tried something else.
Okay, but What? I just don't want things to escalate any more than they already have.
They already shot me in effigy, Howard.
How much more could it escalate? Why don't you let me handle Joe and you help me with my radio prep if you're up for it? Okay, yes.
Okay.
So here it is.
Okay.
This is Big Cat Rescue.
Wow.
I do wonder what that is.
Well, that's obviously a tiger hammock.
Never saw a tiger hammock before? Not yet.
That's creative.
Thanks.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
- Can I ask you a question? - Mm.
I felt like we had a connection at the aquarium.
Well, I thought so too.
So why did you wait three weeks to call me? - Well - My daughter said that maybe you were some kind of player or something.
Well, to be honest, I actually had dates scheduled for those next three weeks.
Okay.
Oh, so you are a player.
No.
I mean, I don't think so.
I'm not really sure what that is.
- Let me try to explain.
- Please.
So I had already scheduled those dates before we met, and I thought I needed to see those commitments through.
It just felt like the right thing to do.
Well, you really are a good guy.
I hope so.
Yikes.
Unless that's code for boring.
No, no, no, no.
Um reliable? Oh, that might be worse.
I'll have you know I can be a real loose cannon.
Okay.
Yes, just the other day, I was looking at my kitchen, and I realized it could use some color.
- Uh-huh.
- So by the end of that week, that kitchen was mauve, just like that.
- Mauve? - Yes.
So your kitchen is pink? No, it's mauve.
Sounds pink to me.
Well That's funny.
Am I gonna say it? Yeah, I'll say it.
I like you, Howard.
- I like you.
- Okay.
That's scary for me to admit, because I do not usually choose wisely.
It's probably too early for me to be laying my baggage at your feet like this.
Cards on the table.
That's how I like to play too.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I was married before.
Yes.
Well, Mary told me.
Yeah.
And people have said some pretty nasty things about me.
I don't listen to gossip.
I was married twice before, actually.
Mm.
Had a lot of boyfriends before that.
- Mm.
- Couple girlfriends too.
Oh.
Cards on the table.
Well, no one can accuse you of being boring.
Well, thank you.
Does it bother you that I've never been married? I will admit that I'm curious about it.
Will you tell me why? Yes, yes, happy to.
I've asked a lot of married people over the years, if they could go back and do it again, would they? And a few say no, but most pause.
- Briefly, but still - Mm.
That pause tells you everything.
Only about 13% say yes right away, unequivocally.
And I realized I only want to get married if I can be certain I'll be in the 13%.
Hmm.
Um the cats come first.
I'm never gonna change that.
Why would I want you to change? But tiger cubs are so cute.
How can it be wrong to hold one? They are phenomenally cute, but you have to remember that those tiger cubs have been ripped prematurely from their mothers before they've had a chance to nurse.
And then when it ages out, it's going to be locked up in a dusty cage for the rest of its life or, worse, euthanized, so suddenly not so cute.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- Yeah.
Well, consider me converted.
Well, good.
Let's take some calls.
First up is Linda from Sarasota.
Yeah, I just wanted to say, I didn't know - any of this was going on.
- Uh-huh.
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Is there anything I can do to help? Okay, yes, that's an excellent question.
You can call your congressperson.
We are diligently trying to bring our Big Cat Public Safety Act to Washington, and we need a sponsor.
So if every one of your listeners called their rep, we would be in D.
C.
by the end of the year.
I will, thanks.
Which'd be really good for the cats.
Time for our next caller.
We've got Joe on the line.
How are you, Joe? I'd be a hell of a lot better if Carole would get off my ass.
First you come after my livelihood.
Then you get my own flesh and blood to turn on me.
It sounds like you two know each other.
Yeah, well yes, this is a this is a known animal abuser named Joe Exotic.
Hold on.
And he has been the focus of one of our campaigns.
I'll have you know, the way this man treats his animals, he is one of the worst offenders I've ever come across in my career.
That is a lie.
All I've ever done was love on my animals, and I've rescued more cats than you ever will.
And that's to say nothing of the unsafe conditions at his zoo for the human beings.
Just recently, one of his employees had his arm chewed off by a tiger.
That was an accident! And at least I gave him room and board.
You don't even pay your goddamn people! Sir, this is public radio.
Please watch your language.
They play music on the radio.
All you do is talk.
What's the point of a station that don't play Clint Black or Garth Brooks? You know, I made some songs myself.
- You should put 'em on.
- Okay, this is the way he treats your audience, imagine how he treats his cats.
I think you need to shut your mouth, Carole, acting like some goddamn saint.
I would like all the listeners to know That you're freaking crazy? That I will not rest in my life until abusers like Joe are kept as far away from animals as possible.
Ha! Like you can keep me away from my animals! Well, we will see.
Damn right, we will! And just 'cause the zoo's back in my name don't mean you won.
You have no idea what I'm willing to do for my animals.
You have no idea what I'm willing to do.
Okay, let's take a breather.
Mark my words, Carole Baskin.
Before this is over, you will stop breathing.
You get all that? Yeah.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
Joe has just showed us exactly why it's critical to pass this bill and to stop psychos like him from being in possession of these marvelous animals.
So, um, please pick up your phone and call your congressperson.
Um, okay, thank you.
This one's called the Gold Shooting Star.
Goes on for, like, 30 seconds.
Looks awesome at night.
Me and some friends are gonna go shoot some more off on Saturday.
I ain't doing nothing on Saturday.
Seriously? Yeah, if that's cool.
Well, you tell me.
You're the one that's married to my boss.
I'm a grown man.
I can do whatever I want.
Okay.
Saturday night, fireworks.
I'll see you there.
Afternoon.
Lucas Fields.
I've been assigned to inventory your assets.
That's gotta be one of the worst pickup lines I've ever heard, but I can assure you, assets are substantial.
Ah! Uh, sir, you have a $1-million judgment against you, yeah.
Since this zoo is back in your name, we have to take an inventory to assess how you're gonna make good.
That bitch sent you.
- Excuse me? - Don't play dumb.
Carole Baskin.
I was sent by the court.
Does he have a choice in this, Chase? Afraid not.
The law's the law.
Why? He didn't do anything wrong.
It's okay.
Let's give this bottom-feeder a free tour.
No skin off my ass.
I'll be rich before anyone takes a pebble off my land.
My producer's in Hollywood right now, setting it up.
After 30 years in TV, I thought I'd seen it all.
I've interviewed A-list celebrities.
I've smoked crack with vice cops after a bust.
Hell, I worked with Bill O'Reilly and didn't end up in a loony bin.
Joe Exotic is the craziest motherfucker I've ever met.
And I can promise you, America is gonna love him.
Are the firearms necessary? In case the tigers get unruly.
And do they get unruly often? Often enough.
- Have you heard from Rick? - Not yet.
20 minutes ago, the meeting started.
How long does a damn pitch take, anyway? Do I look like I've ever been to Hollywood? Excuse me.
Uh, so when were the cages built? How long does it take a suit to say yes and sign a check? Uh, sir? I'm in the middle of something.
I have to account for everything.
The cages, please? Oh, you wanna know about the cages.
Should've said so before.
Come on, let's show him the cages.
Come on in.
Look around.
Meet Bonedigger.
Close the gate, please.
What, you don't like tigers? Guess we're gonna find out whether they like you.
Please close the gate.
Oh, no sudden moves, dude.
No sudden moves.
You'll freak him out.
Hey, hey, hey, Joe, come on.
Look, what are you doing? Ain't there some dried-up turds in there you need to inventory? Hey, Joe, close the gate.
Joe, come on, close the gate! Gotta have an account of everything.
- Close the goddamn gate, Joe! - Joe.
I think we've had our fun.
Hey, Rink, don't be a buzzkill.
Show's over, buddy.
Come on, now.
Oh, come on, I ain't gonna let Bonedigger take more than a nibble out of him.
It's just a nightmare.
There are no alligators in your house.
Nothing's gonna hurt you.
What you think about, you bring about.
What you think about, you bring about.
Honey.
Honey, you're not gonna believe this.
I found curtido at the specialty market.
Our vegan pupusas are gonna be off the cadena.
Ah.
Agh! Ugh! I keep using tildes where acute accents should go.
Don't know why.
You know, you can skip the fancy menus for one dinner party, my love.
They are my signature, Carole.
People expect them.
My love Is this about the radio show? 'Cause you cannot let Joe get to you.
He threatened to kill you, Carole, on the air.
Yes, but he gave us a gift, because that congresswomen wants to sit down because of the radio show.
So I don't know.
Sometimes you just have to take all those nasty feelings and put them in a box and put them up on the shelf where they can't get to you.
Trust me, it works.
I'm gonna go get ready.
What is going on with Howard? Where is he? He's gonna be here.
This is not the kind of thing you show up fashionably late for.
Was I was wrong about Howard? Is that him? It can't be.
Oh, my Lord.
What in the hell are you doing? I told you, I am full of surprises.
Honey, you look hot.
When it came to the vows, I wanted to do something a little different.
So I asked you, Carole, if you would sit down with me and together write up a constitution laying out how each of us wants to be treated.
- Mm-hmm.
- A contract, if you will.
Sue me.
I'm a lawyer.
So here is our Declaration of Interdependence.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
We promise to always be on each other's team And together on the cats' team To tell each other the truth, even when it's hard To always be up front with our feelings and never let resentment bottle up.
And for the pièce de résistance, the majestic paella.
Whoo! Hailing from España, this is the traditional dish of farmers and laborers.
And of course, we have put our own vegan spin on it, right, sweetie? Yeah.
Thank you.
Clap, clap! Oh, dear.
Did you know that Spanish is different in Spain than it is in Latin America? For instance, in Mexico, they say gracias, and then in Spain, they say "grathiath.
" "Grathiath, grathiath"! Looks delicious.
Valerie was in the middle of telling us about her clothing business.
Yeah, kids' pajamas.
I forgot that you were doing that.
- Yeah.
- How how's that going? It's getting there.
I love my work at BCR, but I wanted to make my MBA work for myself.
Valerie has also been doing amazing work for our legislation initiative.
Oh, how's that going? Would you believe we might actually have a sponsor for our bill, courtesy of Tampa Radio? I didn't want to bring up the interview in case it was a sore subject.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna send that asshole a gift basket.
Oh, good, because if it were me, I'd be hiding under the covers and popping Vicodin.
No, actually, the ones you have to worry about are the ones that don't give you heads-up before they come for you.
You sound like you know from experience.
Unfortunately.
My first husband used to drink himself into a stupor and beat me within an inch of my life.
Oh, Carole Oh, no, it's fine.
It's not a funeral.
I'm still here.
No, this one time oh, my God.
He took apart a metal bed frame, and this is while he was drunk, and he took one of the railings, and he was chasing me around the room, slamming it into the walls, trying to smash my skull open.
Thank God he missed hit the wall, though.
Guess who had to patch that up.
Who wants another drink? Where you been? Been calling you.
Yeah.
Thought I should tell you in person.
Look it didn't sell.
What? They all passed.
You're fucking with me.
Good one, Rick.
Wish I was.
Wait, did you show them the shot of me on the throne and Saff's arm? I showed it all.
The networks are terrified of blowback from the animal rights folks.
They won't touch it.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I was counting on this sale, Rick.
Everything's depending on it.
Hang on to that.
It's the closest you'll get to being on TV.
There's gotta be someone else! I pitched it to everyone in town.
Well, then pitch it to someone out of town! Joe, I know you're disappointed, but I think I know a little more about this business than you do.
Seems like you don't know shit.
I should've known better than to hand my fucking show to a washed-up junkie.
I'm not a junkie, I'm a drunk, and if you're gonna shit on me, do it right.
If you think you're screwed, this was months of my life here.
I'm only gonna get pennies on the dollar for the footage now.
I thought you said there was no takers.
I can shop the B-roll, try to salvage whatever I can.
Shop to who? To whoever'll take it off my hands! Like Carole Baskin? - She got to you too, huh? - What are you talking about? First Chealsi stabs me in the back, then you.
Are you seriously nuts? She's been trying to find something to nail on me, and you're giving her the fucking rope to hang me with! You think I spent months in Fucksville, Oklahoma, living in this open-air toilet, all so I could sell the footage to some woman I don't know for a couple of bucks? - That's exactly what I think.
- Then you're the junkie.
You're high on your own bullshit.
You're not selling my fucking footage, you hear me? NEWS FLASH: you don't get a say.
All the footage in this room belongs to me.
Since when? Since you signed a contract when we started.
Next time, read the fine print, asshole.
I can't wait to get outta this shithole.
Hey, I call the shots around here.
You can't walk out on me! Watch me.
Well, everybody loved the food, clearly, and people couldn't get enough of your cocktails.
Yeah, apart from the showstopper about getting chased with a lead pipe, the evening was a real hit.
It was a metal rail, and they were asking the questions.
I'm sorry, why did you throw out the rest of the paella? 'Cause I don't want any remains of this dinner.
I would rather forget it.
I was just answering honestly.
Well, sometimes honesty is best served with a side of restraint.
Not everyone's lived what you have, Carole.
Well, lucky them.
I'm sorry I introduced a little too much reality to our dinner party.
It's not my job to hold my tongue to make other people feel comfortable.
Yes, it is when you're the host.
Look, you can talk about whatever you want, but if what you say or do brings up feelings in others, then you have to allow for that.
When am I not allowing for other people's feelings? You don't seem to care about mine! Not everyone can put their feelings on a shelf, Carole.
And every time I bring up Joe's threats, you shut me down.
It's just that I've been in situations like this before, and I feel like I know how best to deal with them.
Best for you.
What about me? What about you? Carole, you may be used to dealing with people like Joe.
This is the first time my wife's life has been threatened.
I'm allowed to disagree with you about how best to proceed.
Yes, sure, but you you should at least care about what I feel.
What happened to our constitution, Carole? What happened to being on each other's team? Of course Jesus, of course I care about how you feel.
I love that you're driving this train.
But sometimes I feel like I am just hanging on the side.
Well, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Maybe I haven't followed our constitution so well either.
I should have told you how I felt before this.
It's not easy sometimes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that Joe's threats have been so hard for you.
We can't let him come between us.
Still in the 13%? 13%.
Look, we can go to bed.
We'll just clean this up tomorrow Come on.
I don't know how you let Joe's threats just roll off your back.
I haven't slept well in weeks.
Hmm, that's funny.
I sleep like a baby.
Holy shit! Come quick! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No fucking way! Shit.
That's my fucking footage in there! Yeah, well, it ain't fucking in there anymore.
What the hell happened? Who did this? Did you see anything? Was it Joe? No, man, Joe would never do something like this.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.
I am the Tiger King.