Joe vs. Carole (2022) s01e06 Episode Script
A Fairy Tale
1
[GRITTY WESTERN MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ Hey.
Hey, man, yo, I'm here.
Where you at? It's Travis.
Travis Maldonado.
What do you mean it's not happening? Wait dude, I came all the way down here from Texas.
I don't have hello? God.
Fuck! ♪ Every fairy tale starts out sad parents dead, evil stepmothers, kids orphaned without a shot in the world.
And then the fairy godmother shows up, or the dwarves or some old guy who makes clocks.
Hey, kid lookin' for work? And nothing is ever the same again.
Go from being a regular kid to standing at the foot of Neverland.
Hey.
Come on.
[SWEEPING MUSIC.]
♪ And before you know it, you're Peter fuckin' Pan.
[SON THE FATHER'S "FUCKED UP".]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoo! ♪ [MOUSE CLICKS.]
[LOW TENSE MUSIC.]
What the f ♪ Son of a goddamn Amber! Get everybody in the fuckin' gift shop now! And in local news, the primaries for the Governor's race are heating up - with less than two months - Shut that shit off! - Latest SoonerPoll - [TV TURNS OFF.]
You motherfuckers think you can pull a fast one on me? Well, I got news for you I see everything! Hey, Rink, how was your nap? Hey, Cowie and Saff, still filling the meat buckets? Should've had the goddamn tigers in their lockout cages already.
Take it easy, Joe.
I was up all night feedin' the cubs.
Cry me a fuckin' river.
It's your job! I got two guys at home fucking me up the ass.
I don't need y'all to join in.
Joe, you've been comin' down on us a lot lately, man.
Yeah, man, we're working hard.
- Be fair.
- Fair! I got the Baskins tryin' to take every penny I got.
You think that's fuckin' fair? If you're so worried about money, why'd you spend so much on the security cameras? God damn it.
I gotta find out who I can trust around here! You know you can trust us, Joe.
Oh, really? It ain't our fault your reality show didn't sell.
No.
That's 'cause of the animal rights Nazis.
And so help me God, if I find out any one of you are in cahoots with them bastards What are you talking about, man? - We're all on your side here.
- Then show it! I got a whale from Vegas comin' down here and lookin' for a place to house his cats.
That's the kind of money we need! Okay? It's put up or shut up time.
And if y'all do how you been doing, I don't give a flyin' fuck who you are, I will fire all your asses! [INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[TIGER GROWLS.]
All right, thank you, Sidney.
Okay, conference call with Joe is set for tomorrow morning.
Wow.
Hell has frozen over.
I'm excited to talk to Mr.
Exotic.
Oh, God, this can't end soon enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baskin, this is Congresswoman Vivian Ross.
- How do you do? - My pleasure.
- Carole? - Yes, hello.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for sponsoring our bill.
The Big Cat Public Safety Act.
It's a good name.
- Ah.
- My wife is very creative.
I didn't realize you were a dog person.
Oh, is that an issue? [LAUGHS.]
No, of course not.
Well, I'm happy to report we're bringing your legislation to my sub-committee.
Oh, my gosh, that's great news, great news.
Oh, wow, so then we can bring it to the House floor? Oh, not so fast.
There are a couple of hurdles first, including your testimony before my committee.
Ah, okay, well, as long as you're there to whip up votes, I will do my part.
Fair warning, my fellow members are gonna grill you, so you have to know your stuff.
You're going to have to show them why this bill makes sense for them and their constituents.
Can do.
Ready to be grilled.
You're doing great stuff.
And to think, I always thought cat people were a little weird.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[TIGERS BELLOWING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
What's going on? Waiting for Mr.
Moneybags.
Wanna give him the red carpet treatment, you know? This is a biggie for us.
I want everyone to be on point today.
What can I do to help? You just keep bein' you.
That's all I need.
[DMX'S "PARTY UP (UP IN HERE)".]
Whoo, y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪ Up in here, up in here ♪ Y'all gon' make me go all out ♪ Up in here, up in here ♪ Y'all gon' make me act a fool ♪ - Jeff Lowe.
- [CAR CHIRPS.]
Damn nice to finally meet you in person.
And this must be your - Wife.
- Right.
- This is Lauren.
- Hi.
Welcome to our little slice of paradise.
♪ It always smell like this? Ain't nothing y'all can do ♪ Ain't nothin' y'all can do now ♪ [CAMEL GRUNTING.]
Where the fuck did you get a camel? Hell, Jeff, we got 50 species of animals, over 200 big cats, livin' their best life in cages as clean as a nun's wet spot.
Plus I got state of the art security now too.
I got a hundred cameras all around the park.
You know why I do all that? I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me.
'Cause ain't nobody gonna love on your cats the way I'm gonna.
This park is my whole life.
Hey.
So was the one I used to own, before those animal rights pricks shut it down.
Don't get me started on those motherfuckers.
I heard they came for you too.
Yeah, they still are.
That bitch Carole Baskin? Got a hard-on for me.
She's the worst of the bunch.
Seriously, I think Carole comes when she thinks about putting me out of business.
Now, Joe, Joe.
Promise me that you'll never use the words "Carole Baskin" and "come" again in the same sentence.
Yeah, there ain't enough Viagra in the world.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- What you got there? - Look at these.
Oh, my God.
I love the condoms with you on them.
Take as many as you want, on the house.
That's okay, the last thing I want to see before I hit this is your face.
Will you guys hang tight? This Baskin root canal shouldn't take more than a few minutes.
Hey, you give that bitch hell, all right, Joe? For all of us, all right? Okay, so, once everyone signs off on the final terms of payment, my office will handle the rest, unless you have any objections.
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding? We're only too happy to finally put this to bed.
Okay, good.
[BEEP.]
Hi, this is Sidney Pierce representing the Baskins.
Hi, this is Joe, representing my own goddamn self 'cause I can't afford a fuckin' lawyer anymore thanks to you.
Okay, well, Mr.
Schreibvogel, I'm assuming that you received the final schedule of payments.
Yeah, I got them, but I can't make these payments during the winter.
And why's that? Because this ain't Tampa.
I work a seasonal business.
How many kids you know like walkin' around a zoo freezin' their asses off? So what are you proposing? How about you show some humanity and cut me a break? I'm doin' everything I can here.
Um, one second please.
[LINE BEEPS.]
Carole? Can't do it.
I'm not here to make friends.
I have to do what's best for the cats.
I'm afraid that's not going to work for us, Joe.
Why don't you come out and tell the truth, Carole, that you won't stop till you take my zoo from me.
Ain't that the big fuckin' end game here? Joe, this is Howard.
This isn't a negotiation.
You have no leverage here.
You know, this is all such a big goddamn waste of time.
This is so far from fuckin' being acceptable.
So why don't you take those payments and why don't you shove them right up your lily white asses? I'm sorry, who's speaking please? If you're not an official part of these proceedings, we're going to have to terminate the call Jeff Lowe.
I'm Joe's new partner.
And you, Howard? You can go fuck yourself.
And while you're at it, you can fuck your cunt wife.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
Partner? ♪ What, do you wanna bet that Howard and Carole shit their diapers? Only thing that would've made that better if I could've seen the bitch's face when you said it.
That was goddamn inspired.
Yeah, well, what can I say? Someone's gotta teach those assholes they can't fuck around with us anymore.
- Fuckin' A.
- Fuckin' A.
Okay.
So how does this work? I've never had a partner before.
- Well - [SIGHS.]
The way I see it, you got a zoo with no money.
I got money, but no zoo.
Seems like a win-win to me.
Yeah, but any money you put in the zoo is gonna end up in the Baskins' pocket.
Right, okay, but what if, on paper, it's not yours? I tried that.
Signed it over to my mom.
Carole got the court to undo it.
Damn, she and her husband are like goddamn legal ninjas.
Wait, wait, hold on a second, you transferred it? Oh, Joe, God damn it, man, you can't do it like that.
Yeah, I mean, I know that now.
[SIGHS.]
The Baskins aren't the only ones with good lawyers, okay, so follow me here.
We're gonna dissolve this zoo.
And we're going to form a new entity under my name, all right? This way, if the Baskins wanna come after us, they're gonna have to file a new lawsuit and they're gonna get tied up in court for years and years to come and they're gonna have to spend every last goddamn cent they have.
- Like the sound of that.
- I knew you would.
One condition though, Joe.
You gotta keep running this place.
I got other businesses I gotta attend to.
So I stay in charge? Yeah, you stay in charge, will you? We'll even give you, like, a fancy title like creative director.
No, entertainment director.
Sure.
I like entertainment director.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter, right? The point is, nothing's gonna change, okay? The Baskins are not gonna be able to touch you.
Every dime that I give you will go back into this zoo to make it better than ever before, mm? Shit, Jeff, where you been all my life? [CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Can't believe those two are banding together now.
They're desperate.
It's like the Joker and Penguin have joined forces to wreak havoc on New York City.
Gotham.
- What? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I just saw Sidney leave.
Does that mean you guys are done? Not as done as we hoped.
Aw.
You know what? No.
We're gonna take Joe down with all the others.
Let's do this.
If we're gonna pass this bill in Washington, we need to be prepared.
Bring in the binders, please! [BRIGHT WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
♪ If you're not careful, you're gonna crack that thing.
Joe left something for you.
You take it.
Wait, what? You're gonna turn down a free Xbox? Ain't nothing free at this zoo.
Okay, come on, can we just open it and play it please? Look, if you're bored, why don't you go shoot some Tannerite? I'm not bored.
Everybody has shit to do here except for me.
[SIGHS.]
You say that like it's a bad thing.
[SOFTLY.]
Fuck it.
There you go.
Problem solved.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ [TENSE MUSIC.]
[WHISPERS.]
Wakey-wakey.
Ah! Shit! [LAUGHS.]
What the hell, man? Dude! Did you piss yourself? You totally, totally pissed yourself! Screw you, man.
I wouldn't piss myself! I was just tryin' to rest for like ten minutes while Joe was takin' a shit.
Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
I was just messin' around.
Are you mad at me? It's not like I pulled the trigger.
Ah I know you didn't mean anything by it, you knucklehead.
Don't you got something better to do? Not really.
Hey, you okay? Y yeah.
No, it's just my ride crapped out.
I was hoping you could fix it for me.
You're lucky I like you, kid.
Grab my toolbox and some rags.
Wait, what? Well, I ain't gonna do it on my own.
I don't know how to do it.
Well, grab my toolbox and I'll show you.
Help me roll it in.
All right, make sure that's tight.
You don't want that carburetor bouncing around.
Got it.
I think that's as tight as it'll go.
All right, well, let's start it up then.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
♪ [ENGINE STARTS.]
Holy shit! We did it.
Whoo! Legends! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Congressman Longstreet's record on animal rights? He supports the Lacey Act, but he was quoted in "The New York Times" as saying that animal rights are property rights.
Very good.
How many committee members own cats? Six.
By party? Three Dem, two Repub.
That's only five.
Trick question, Representative DeMartino - Is an independent.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I thought I had you on that one.
Very good.
I think you're ready.
- No, no, we gotta go again.
- No, Carole.
You've been cramming at work, cramming at home.
No, that sucked.
We gotta go again.
- Have to go again.
- You need to work smart.
All right? Take a break, relaxes the mind.
Howard, I cannot take a break.
Not now, please.
- Okay.
- No.
Don't do that.
Just five minutes, then we'll get back to it.
- ["LADY IN RED" PLAYING.]
- Oh, no, no.
- There are 17 binders here - May I have this dance? - May I have - No.
I'm not a dancer.
[GROANS.]
- Can't refuse the Howard.
- Okay, five minutes.
- Isn't that nice? - Lady in red ♪ ♪ Is dancing with me ♪ You're still working.
What? I'm sorry, I can't help it! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, the door.
- Ah, and she escapes.
- Oh, dear, the door.
Slides.
Slides.
No one can accuse you of being underprepared.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Those Congress people have no idea what's coming.
Yeah, a high school dropout in a cat bra.
Mom? You got this.
No, seriously, what am I doing? I can't even stop Joe Exotic.
I think I'm gonna get a bill through Congress? - Come on.
- Are you serious? This is what you have been working for.
I know, I just never thought it would actually happen.
Yes, you did.
You always thought that you could do things that other people said you couldn't.
You have sacrificed so much for this chance, okay? And it's all gonna be worth it when you win.
I wasn't the only one who sacrificed.
Why don't you come with me? What? To Washington, I think you should come with me.
What about Valerie? I mean, she's been helping you prep.
Valerie is magical, but Valerie [SIGHS.]
Is not my daughter.
You really want me to come? Well, I can't bring Howard.
Howard is a distraction.
Howard will just make me dance.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah? You and me, Wash? Ah! [RINGING TONE.]
♪ I'm gonna be a dad? - I'm gonna be a dad? - [LAUGHS.]
Are you fuckin' kidding me? Are you fuckin' kidding me? John, what the hell's goin' on in there? Quit clowning around.
I can see you on my phone.
Sorry about that, Joe.
Just get back to work now! No.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
What the ♪ John, what are you doing? ♪ You got a lot of nerve, flippin' me off! Amber's pregnant.
So, what do I care? I'm the father.
Now, look, I know you might find this hard to hear, and you and I been through a lot.
But you gotta know the truth.
Look.
You screwed up.
It happens.
- Send her to the clinic - Excuse me? And you and me, we'll figure this out.
You don't fuckin' get it, man.
Don't tell me you have feelings for that whore.
Don't talk about her like that.
Hey, what's goin' on? This between me and John and my ex-employee.
That's right, your ass is fuckin' fired.
Yeah, I figured.
And if you're looking for a recommendation, HERE IT IS fuck you and your goddamn twat - that you rode in on! - Yeah? Guess what? [THUDDING.]
I'm goin' with her.
John, what are you doing? You really gonna walk away from me? I'm the only one who ever loved you.
You don't love people.
You collect them.
Just like those goddamn cats.
Bullshit! You're gonna throw away everything over some used up piece of trash? I told you not to fuckin' talk about her like that! Okay, let's everyone just calm down.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
Let's go.
I got news for you.
That baby is gonna grow up to be a worthless piece of shit just like both of you! Take it easy.
Dude, take it easy.
John! John! John! John! Hey, hey! [GROANS.]
Rink, I'm sorry, man.
I'm okay, buddy.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
♪ Take care of yourself.
Shit.
Hey, Joe, if you're not up for it, you can always give these folks a raincheck.
I don't cancel shows.
Yeah? [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES.]
Hey, folks, who's ready to see some tigers? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're ready.
Yeah, we got some of the greatest we got great we [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
You know, people ask me why I spend so much time with cats.
Pretty simple.
Cats don't want to rip your heart out and then stomp all over it.
Sometimes it seems like there ain't no such thing as loyalty anymore, know what I mean? The people you care about the most, well, they're the ones that can break you and leave you for dead.
I ain't gonna lie.
It's hard for me to be up here right now.
But you paid your hard-earned money, brought your families here.
Just didn't want to let you down.
We're with you, Joe! You been through hard times, too, I bet.
You all know what it's like to hurt, don't you? I'm barely holding on to my farm! Yeah, I knew I wasn't the only one.
We're all hurtin' in this country.
Sometimes it feels like people don't care.
That we're all alone.
But I'll tell you what.
It's you all that keep me going, and I'm gonna keep you going.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SWEEPING MUSIC.]
♪ I think I should run for governor.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean it! What do you know about politics? Shit, Trump did it.
Do you even vote? What's that got to do with anything? And what the hell are you even doing here with Rink? I was helpin' him fix the tractor.
I'm actually getting pretty good at it.
I gotta ask you, Joe, this governor thing, is this because is this 'cause of John? What? Just call him, man.
Make peace.
You know, fuck John and that skinny-ass home-wrecker.
He don't give a shit about me, but the people out there, they love me.
And they need someone to fight for them.
All right, but running for governor ain't just words, Joe, you know? You gotta build a whole campaign, and that takes political know-how.
You know, you're right.
I wouldn't know where to start.
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
I know.
I'm gonna put an ad on Craigslist.
♪ So you'll have ten minutes for prepared remarks.
Then questions, five minutes per representative.
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
There's cameras, but don't be nervous.
It's just C-SPAN.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Thanks.
♪ Oh, my God, this is insane.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have to get a photo.
Yes, but play it cool.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Okay.
Carole Baskin? How the hell are ya? [CHUCKLES.]
Forgive me.
We haven't officially met.
Doc Antle.
- Yes, I know who you are.
- Good.
You know, when I heard about this bill, I just knew I had to give the committee a chance to hear the other side.
You know, balance the scales, so to speak.
Who is this lovely young lady? - This is my daughter.
- Oh.
And she has come to watch me castrate your business.
Is that ri [BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, I love that confidence.
Well, you break a leg.
But you should know that I've known Joe Exotic for quite a long time and consider him a protégé of sorts, so I'm gonna enjoy watching you choke.
You call me if you're ever lookin' for work.
Aren't I too old for you? Whoa! Feisty.
Just like her mom, huh? Wink at my kid one more time.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
I was just offering a job.
No need to get upset.
Oh, God, I need a shower.
Mom, take no prisoners.
Got it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Mrs.
Baskin, this committee has many urgent issues to address.
Why is this the one that demands our attention now? It is imperative that we pass this bill now because as we sit here, there are currently twice as many tigers living in captivity as there are in the wild.
And these are cubs that are brought into the world exclusively for profit and exploitation.
Think about it, Congressman Rutledge.
These are babies.
And we're allowing them to live in unregulated and inhumane facilities.
And this is not just a moral issue.
It is, of course, a public safety issue.
500-pound carnivores are dangerous animals who will defend themselves to the death.
Did you know, in many states, it is easier to purchase a tiger than it is to purchase a puppy? Since 1990, there have been more than 400 incidents of violence involving big cats in private homes, resulting in 24 deaths, 5 of them children.
Just recently, an employee in a zoo in Oklahoma had his arm ripped off by a tiger.
What would you do if a tiger got loose in your district? And what would you say to your constituents when they asked what you'd done to protect them? ♪ Thank you for your testimony today, Mrs.
Baskin.
We've all learned a lot.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Thank you.
[SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
In my professional opinion, it's pretty late in the game to enter the primary.
That being said, you're unlike any other candidate running.
I'd love to start by hearing your positions.
Doggy, mostly.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, that's funny.
But no, I mean your Look, Josh, nobody cares about my positions.
They connect to me 'cause I'm exactly who I say I am.
I told him this is crazy.
Ain't nothing wrong with crazy.
Look, the only way you find out who you are, put yourself out there and say "fuck it.
" So let's cut to the chase.
Do you think I could win this thing or what? Well, I have a 77-county strategy, which I could really tailor to your particular strengths.
You hear that, Rink? He thinks I could really pull this off.
Just curious.
How many winning campaigns have you run? Well zero.
But I haven't had any losing ones either.
What? You've never run a campaign? How do you, like, make your money? I work at Walmart.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know I don't have a lot of experience, but I was a poli-sci major in college, I study politics in all my free time, and growing up as a gay kid in Oklahoma, there was one person I looked up to who wasn't afraid of being out and proud.
And that's you, Joe.
So if you're willing to take a chance on me, I'm willing to ride with you.
Well, I I think we've heard all we need to.
- Where do we start? - [PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
Ladies and gentleman, I've tried drugs, I've had some of the kinkiest sex you can imagine, and I'm broke as shit.
But I took a bare piece of land and turned it into the largest privately-owned zoo in America.
And I'll fix up Oklahoma the same way.
I don't care if you're Republican, a Democrat, a pot smoker, or a meth head.
I've never shrunk from a fight, and I will fight for you.
I am Joe Maldonado, and I am running for Governor of the great state of Oklahoma.
♪ It's just a mock up, but what do you think? Well, Josh, that's gotta be one of the most boring pieces of shit I ever seen in my life.
Will you look at me? Is there anything about me that screams boring? Put some tiger stripes in there.
Put my name in purple or hot pink.
We gotta grab this audience by the nut sack.
Okay.
And hey, one more thing.
When it's done, I want you to slap that bad boy all over Wynnewood so my ex John can see what a fuckin' mistake he made.
- Got it? - Copy that.
In the meantime, I'd like to get your numbers up.
How's it looking? Flash poll has us at 8%.
Damn.
That's kind of a great start.
It's 8% of registered Libertarians.
It's only a few hundred people.
But we can make up ground.
There's a parade this afternoon in Pauls Valley.
That's a good opportunity.
Hey.
Joe.
[KNOCKS ON WALL.]
Can I talk to you for a sec? I need to Need to, uh what's going on here? I'm running for governor, Jeff.
I'm gonna clean this state up.
I I thought you were supposed to be running the zoo.
This campaign's gonna be the best thing to ever happen to this zoo.
More people know my name, more people gonna be coming here.
You got the best entertainment director money can buy.
Yeah, yeah, I'll bet.
Wanna come outside? There's somebody I want you to meet.
Sure.
Un-fucking-believable.
[GRITTY ROCK MUSIC.]
♪ Jesus Christ.
Joe, meet Allen Glover.
We used to work together, and if it's all right with you, I'd like to bring him on, help out around here.
And do what? Scare little kids? Well, I guess if he's good enough for you, welcome aboard.
All righty then.
I got some babies to kiss.
Take it easy.
The fuck kind of freak show you bring me to? There you are.
What are you doing? Watching porn? You wish.
Actually, I'm thinking about taking a class and learning how to put engines together.
What for? I don't know, I just, like, think it'd be fun to try something new.
You know? Fuck it, right? [CHUCKLES.]
There's a class coming up real soon, so Uh-huh.
You gotta put that on hold.
I need you right now.
- For what? - For what? I'm running for governor.
I need my husband.
We got a parade to get ready for.
- Come on! - Okay.
You know, as a private big cat owner myself, I feel it's important to correct some of the ugly allegations that have been lobbed against us.
Carole Baskin told us that we should make sweeping laws based on the actions of a few bad apples.
Well, let me ask you.
Would Mrs.
Baskin take every citizen's driver's license away because a few people drank too much and got behind the wheel? I think we can all agree that that would be insane.
My fellow cat owners and I love our animals, and we believe in conservation.
But the only way to get the general public to save the tigers is to give them a chance to interact and fall in love with them.
But those are just words, so let me show you what I mean.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
♪ [CROWD GASPS, COOS.]
Ladies and gentleman, meet Sheba.
Six weeks old and the innocent subject of all this fighting.
Mrs.
DeMartino, would you like to say hello to Sheba? There we go.
There we go.
There we are.
- [ALL AWW-ING.]
- So cute.
Now, don't be shy.
You can say hello.
She won't bite.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, look how happy that little cub is.
[LAUGHS.]
What is wrong with this? Nothing.
We can try and get it through committee in a year or two.
I just don't I don't understand.
- My mom did everything right.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's not about who's right.
There are other factors.
Like what? With some members, it's a gut instinct who they connect with.
What, and they connected with him? Enough of them did.
Did any of your colleagues actually think that she was wrong? See, that's not fair.
It's politics.
Fairness doesn't get a seat at the table.
It was hard for me to understand the first time too.
Carole.
Chin up.
♪ [ENGINE PURRING.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
The fuck? Hey, Joe, the gate's locked.
Yeah.
Well, can you open it for me? On my way.
Hey.
Hey, since when do we lock the gate around here? Since I needed to clamp down on security.
You know we can't trust nobody no more.
Where you going anyway? Oh, I was going to the night class.
Remember? I told you.
Yeah, I thought we decided that you weren't gonna do that right now.
Well, you decided.
I didn't think it was such a big deal.
- Oh, you didn't, huh? - It's just a class, Joe.
Look, I'm under a shit-load of pressure right now.
I'm running for fucking governor.
I know.
Well, that that's your thing.
You know? What's mine? To be there for me.
I am, okay? I can do both.
Look, why don't you just come on home? I'll get us a pizza.
You can pack a nice fat bowl and relax.
How does that sound? No.
- You want something stronger? - No! I don't want to do that shit anymore! - What the fuck do you want? - Something to do! Everybody's got a purpose here except for me! I want a purpose! A purpose? I gave you a place where no one's gonna fucking hurt you! So you just wanna leave me, huh? Just like John? What are you talking about, Joe? I don't want to leave you.
I just want something.
Don't play fucking stupid with me! Is that lock on the gate to keep people out, or to keep us in? [TENSE MUSIC.]
♪ I told you I needed you.
But if you want to go, go! Just go! You didn't have anybody to look after you before, did you? Nobody gave a fucking shit about you, and you think now, things are gonna be different for some fucking reason? Let me get one thing straight.
You step outside that gate, there ain't no coming back.
You can fuck off forever.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
So you leaving or what? ♪ No.
Good.
♪ [SIGHS.]
Here, let me.
One day, I believe you'll see this as a necessary step on the path to victory.
You just gotta keep at it.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I always told Jamie, "You knock on the door.
If they don't let you in, you knock the door down.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Exactly.
Well, that's how you got to the halls of Congress in the first place by being strong, determined, prepared.
And they hated me for it.
They sided with the jackass in the safari hat who has a harem.
Yeah, well, they made a mistake.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I just don't see why it would go any differently the next time.
Or ever.
They didn't vote against the bill 'cause they didn't like the bill.
They voted against the bill 'cause they didn't like me.
I'm not fun.
I'm not wild.
I'm I'm stiff.
You don't know why you don't like me, but you just don't.
I'm [SIGHS.]
I'm a blonde woman with strong convictions and a sturdy Midwestern accent.
We all know how that goes down.
All right, you got knocked down this time.
But I also know one of the things Jamie admires about you the most is that you don't stay down for long.
[RADIOHEAD'S "MY IRON LUNG".]
[DREAMY ROCK MUSIC.]
♪ Faith, you're driving me away ♪ ♪ Looking good.
There's my future first husband of Oklahoma.
Smile.
Come on, smile.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna put this right up on my Facebook page.
I'm receiving pain ♪ A lack of oxygen ♪ From my life support ♪ My iron lung ♪ ♪ You know, the thing no one tells you about Neverland is, after all the flying and fighting pirates and hanging with fairies Fall asleep ♪ Then what? Too cynical to speak ♪ All those lost boys? Well, there's a reason they were lost.
But maybe it isn't the reason you think.
♪ Maybe it's 'cause, eventually, they wanted to leave Neverland.
But they just couldn't find a way out.
♪ Hey.
Oh, hey, Travis, I'm just getting some work done, okay? [EXHALES.]
Sure.
You won't even notice me.
♪ Travis, can you not play with that thing in here please? I'm just having some fun.
Please just put it down.
Serious man, it's not funny, all right? Put it down.
Relax.
It can't fire unless there's a clip in it.
[GUNSHOT RINGING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ How about when Shaq came by to see those tigers, man? Remember, and he came back just to hang out with Travis.
Some crazy shit, man.
Shaq loved Travis.
Mm-hmm.
How about the time Travis asked if he could jump over me on his ATV? - [LAUGHTER.]
- What the heck? That kid was so stupid.
[SIGHS.]
Damn, that kid sure had a glow about him.
[CHAINSAW REVVING.]
Hey! Do you mind? We're grievin' over here! [CHAINSAW SHUTS OFF.]
What? I said we're grievin'! Fuckin' crybabies.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
It was an accident, right? We all want fairy tales to end happy.
[SOMBER, ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
The evil queen dies.
The girl gets the prince.
The kid with the big nose becomes a real boy.
But the truth is, the real world is full of poisoned apples and dragons.
♪ In the real world, you gotta fend for yourself.
And there ain't no fairy godmother to save you.
♪ [SOBBING.]
[SCREAMING.]
No! [GUNSHOT RINGS.]
- No! - [GUNSHOT RINGS.]
[SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE.]
No! Happily ever after, my ass.
[THE NATIONAL'S "RUNAWAY".]
There's no saving anything ♪ Now we're swallowing the shine of the summer ♪ There's no saving anything ♪ ♪ How we swallow the sun ♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing coming undone ♪ ♪ And it's taking us over ♪ We don't bleed ♪ When we don't fight ♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪ Throw your arms in the air tonight ♪ We don't bleed ♪ When we don't fight ♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪ Lose our shirts in the fire tonight ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing coming undone ♪ ♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing ♪
♪ ♪ Hey.
Hey, man, yo, I'm here.
Where you at? It's Travis.
Travis Maldonado.
What do you mean it's not happening? Wait dude, I came all the way down here from Texas.
I don't have hello? God.
Fuck! ♪ Every fairy tale starts out sad parents dead, evil stepmothers, kids orphaned without a shot in the world.
And then the fairy godmother shows up, or the dwarves or some old guy who makes clocks.
Hey, kid lookin' for work? And nothing is ever the same again.
Go from being a regular kid to standing at the foot of Neverland.
Hey.
Come on.
[SWEEPING MUSIC.]
♪ And before you know it, you're Peter fuckin' Pan.
[SON THE FATHER'S "FUCKED UP".]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoo! ♪ [MOUSE CLICKS.]
[LOW TENSE MUSIC.]
What the f ♪ Son of a goddamn Amber! Get everybody in the fuckin' gift shop now! And in local news, the primaries for the Governor's race are heating up - with less than two months - Shut that shit off! - Latest SoonerPoll - [TV TURNS OFF.]
You motherfuckers think you can pull a fast one on me? Well, I got news for you I see everything! Hey, Rink, how was your nap? Hey, Cowie and Saff, still filling the meat buckets? Should've had the goddamn tigers in their lockout cages already.
Take it easy, Joe.
I was up all night feedin' the cubs.
Cry me a fuckin' river.
It's your job! I got two guys at home fucking me up the ass.
I don't need y'all to join in.
Joe, you've been comin' down on us a lot lately, man.
Yeah, man, we're working hard.
- Be fair.
- Fair! I got the Baskins tryin' to take every penny I got.
You think that's fuckin' fair? If you're so worried about money, why'd you spend so much on the security cameras? God damn it.
I gotta find out who I can trust around here! You know you can trust us, Joe.
Oh, really? It ain't our fault your reality show didn't sell.
No.
That's 'cause of the animal rights Nazis.
And so help me God, if I find out any one of you are in cahoots with them bastards What are you talking about, man? - We're all on your side here.
- Then show it! I got a whale from Vegas comin' down here and lookin' for a place to house his cats.
That's the kind of money we need! Okay? It's put up or shut up time.
And if y'all do how you been doing, I don't give a flyin' fuck who you are, I will fire all your asses! [INTENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[TIGER GROWLS.]
All right, thank you, Sidney.
Okay, conference call with Joe is set for tomorrow morning.
Wow.
Hell has frozen over.
I'm excited to talk to Mr.
Exotic.
Oh, God, this can't end soon enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mr.
and Mrs.
Baskin, this is Congresswoman Vivian Ross.
- How do you do? - My pleasure.
- Carole? - Yes, hello.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for sponsoring our bill.
The Big Cat Public Safety Act.
It's a good name.
- Ah.
- My wife is very creative.
I didn't realize you were a dog person.
Oh, is that an issue? [LAUGHS.]
No, of course not.
Well, I'm happy to report we're bringing your legislation to my sub-committee.
Oh, my gosh, that's great news, great news.
Oh, wow, so then we can bring it to the House floor? Oh, not so fast.
There are a couple of hurdles first, including your testimony before my committee.
Ah, okay, well, as long as you're there to whip up votes, I will do my part.
Fair warning, my fellow members are gonna grill you, so you have to know your stuff.
You're going to have to show them why this bill makes sense for them and their constituents.
Can do.
Ready to be grilled.
You're doing great stuff.
And to think, I always thought cat people were a little weird.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[TIGERS BELLOWING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
What's going on? Waiting for Mr.
Moneybags.
Wanna give him the red carpet treatment, you know? This is a biggie for us.
I want everyone to be on point today.
What can I do to help? You just keep bein' you.
That's all I need.
[DMX'S "PARTY UP (UP IN HERE)".]
Whoo, y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪ Up in here, up in here ♪ Y'all gon' make me go all out ♪ Up in here, up in here ♪ Y'all gon' make me act a fool ♪ - Jeff Lowe.
- [CAR CHIRPS.]
Damn nice to finally meet you in person.
And this must be your - Wife.
- Right.
- This is Lauren.
- Hi.
Welcome to our little slice of paradise.
♪ It always smell like this? Ain't nothing y'all can do ♪ Ain't nothin' y'all can do now ♪ [CAMEL GRUNTING.]
Where the fuck did you get a camel? Hell, Jeff, we got 50 species of animals, over 200 big cats, livin' their best life in cages as clean as a nun's wet spot.
Plus I got state of the art security now too.
I got a hundred cameras all around the park.
You know why I do all that? I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me.
'Cause ain't nobody gonna love on your cats the way I'm gonna.
This park is my whole life.
Hey.
So was the one I used to own, before those animal rights pricks shut it down.
Don't get me started on those motherfuckers.
I heard they came for you too.
Yeah, they still are.
That bitch Carole Baskin? Got a hard-on for me.
She's the worst of the bunch.
Seriously, I think Carole comes when she thinks about putting me out of business.
Now, Joe, Joe.
Promise me that you'll never use the words "Carole Baskin" and "come" again in the same sentence.
Yeah, there ain't enough Viagra in the world.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- What you got there? - Look at these.
Oh, my God.
I love the condoms with you on them.
Take as many as you want, on the house.
That's okay, the last thing I want to see before I hit this is your face.
Will you guys hang tight? This Baskin root canal shouldn't take more than a few minutes.
Hey, you give that bitch hell, all right, Joe? For all of us, all right? Okay, so, once everyone signs off on the final terms of payment, my office will handle the rest, unless you have any objections.
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding? We're only too happy to finally put this to bed.
Okay, good.
[BEEP.]
Hi, this is Sidney Pierce representing the Baskins.
Hi, this is Joe, representing my own goddamn self 'cause I can't afford a fuckin' lawyer anymore thanks to you.
Okay, well, Mr.
Schreibvogel, I'm assuming that you received the final schedule of payments.
Yeah, I got them, but I can't make these payments during the winter.
And why's that? Because this ain't Tampa.
I work a seasonal business.
How many kids you know like walkin' around a zoo freezin' their asses off? So what are you proposing? How about you show some humanity and cut me a break? I'm doin' everything I can here.
Um, one second please.
[LINE BEEPS.]
Carole? Can't do it.
I'm not here to make friends.
I have to do what's best for the cats.
I'm afraid that's not going to work for us, Joe.
Why don't you come out and tell the truth, Carole, that you won't stop till you take my zoo from me.
Ain't that the big fuckin' end game here? Joe, this is Howard.
This isn't a negotiation.
You have no leverage here.
You know, this is all such a big goddamn waste of time.
This is so far from fuckin' being acceptable.
So why don't you take those payments and why don't you shove them right up your lily white asses? I'm sorry, who's speaking please? If you're not an official part of these proceedings, we're going to have to terminate the call Jeff Lowe.
I'm Joe's new partner.
And you, Howard? You can go fuck yourself.
And while you're at it, you can fuck your cunt wife.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
Partner? ♪ What, do you wanna bet that Howard and Carole shit their diapers? Only thing that would've made that better if I could've seen the bitch's face when you said it.
That was goddamn inspired.
Yeah, well, what can I say? Someone's gotta teach those assholes they can't fuck around with us anymore.
- Fuckin' A.
- Fuckin' A.
Okay.
So how does this work? I've never had a partner before.
- Well - [SIGHS.]
The way I see it, you got a zoo with no money.
I got money, but no zoo.
Seems like a win-win to me.
Yeah, but any money you put in the zoo is gonna end up in the Baskins' pocket.
Right, okay, but what if, on paper, it's not yours? I tried that.
Signed it over to my mom.
Carole got the court to undo it.
Damn, she and her husband are like goddamn legal ninjas.
Wait, wait, hold on a second, you transferred it? Oh, Joe, God damn it, man, you can't do it like that.
Yeah, I mean, I know that now.
[SIGHS.]
The Baskins aren't the only ones with good lawyers, okay, so follow me here.
We're gonna dissolve this zoo.
And we're going to form a new entity under my name, all right? This way, if the Baskins wanna come after us, they're gonna have to file a new lawsuit and they're gonna get tied up in court for years and years to come and they're gonna have to spend every last goddamn cent they have.
- Like the sound of that.
- I knew you would.
One condition though, Joe.
You gotta keep running this place.
I got other businesses I gotta attend to.
So I stay in charge? Yeah, you stay in charge, will you? We'll even give you, like, a fancy title like creative director.
No, entertainment director.
Sure.
I like entertainment director.
Whatever.
Doesn't matter, right? The point is, nothing's gonna change, okay? The Baskins are not gonna be able to touch you.
Every dime that I give you will go back into this zoo to make it better than ever before, mm? Shit, Jeff, where you been all my life? [CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Can't believe those two are banding together now.
They're desperate.
It's like the Joker and Penguin have joined forces to wreak havoc on New York City.
Gotham.
- What? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I just saw Sidney leave.
Does that mean you guys are done? Not as done as we hoped.
Aw.
You know what? No.
We're gonna take Joe down with all the others.
Let's do this.
If we're gonna pass this bill in Washington, we need to be prepared.
Bring in the binders, please! [BRIGHT WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
♪ If you're not careful, you're gonna crack that thing.
Joe left something for you.
You take it.
Wait, what? You're gonna turn down a free Xbox? Ain't nothing free at this zoo.
Okay, come on, can we just open it and play it please? Look, if you're bored, why don't you go shoot some Tannerite? I'm not bored.
Everybody has shit to do here except for me.
[SIGHS.]
You say that like it's a bad thing.
[SOFTLY.]
Fuck it.
There you go.
Problem solved.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ [TENSE MUSIC.]
[WHISPERS.]
Wakey-wakey.
Ah! Shit! [LAUGHS.]
What the hell, man? Dude! Did you piss yourself? You totally, totally pissed yourself! Screw you, man.
I wouldn't piss myself! I was just tryin' to rest for like ten minutes while Joe was takin' a shit.
Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
I was just messin' around.
Are you mad at me? It's not like I pulled the trigger.
Ah I know you didn't mean anything by it, you knucklehead.
Don't you got something better to do? Not really.
Hey, you okay? Y yeah.
No, it's just my ride crapped out.
I was hoping you could fix it for me.
You're lucky I like you, kid.
Grab my toolbox and some rags.
Wait, what? Well, I ain't gonna do it on my own.
I don't know how to do it.
Well, grab my toolbox and I'll show you.
Help me roll it in.
All right, make sure that's tight.
You don't want that carburetor bouncing around.
Got it.
I think that's as tight as it'll go.
All right, well, let's start it up then.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
♪ [ENGINE STARTS.]
Holy shit! We did it.
Whoo! Legends! [LAUGHS.]
Whoo! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Congressman Longstreet's record on animal rights? He supports the Lacey Act, but he was quoted in "The New York Times" as saying that animal rights are property rights.
Very good.
How many committee members own cats? Six.
By party? Three Dem, two Repub.
That's only five.
Trick question, Representative DeMartino - Is an independent.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I thought I had you on that one.
Very good.
I think you're ready.
- No, no, we gotta go again.
- No, Carole.
You've been cramming at work, cramming at home.
No, that sucked.
We gotta go again.
- Have to go again.
- You need to work smart.
All right? Take a break, relaxes the mind.
Howard, I cannot take a break.
Not now, please.
- Okay.
- No.
Don't do that.
Just five minutes, then we'll get back to it.
- ["LADY IN RED" PLAYING.]
- Oh, no, no.
- There are 17 binders here - May I have this dance? - May I have - No.
I'm not a dancer.
[GROANS.]
- Can't refuse the Howard.
- Okay, five minutes.
- Isn't that nice? - Lady in red ♪ ♪ Is dancing with me ♪ You're still working.
What? I'm sorry, I can't help it! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, the door.
- Ah, and she escapes.
- Oh, dear, the door.
Slides.
Slides.
No one can accuse you of being underprepared.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Those Congress people have no idea what's coming.
Yeah, a high school dropout in a cat bra.
Mom? You got this.
No, seriously, what am I doing? I can't even stop Joe Exotic.
I think I'm gonna get a bill through Congress? - Come on.
- Are you serious? This is what you have been working for.
I know, I just never thought it would actually happen.
Yes, you did.
You always thought that you could do things that other people said you couldn't.
You have sacrificed so much for this chance, okay? And it's all gonna be worth it when you win.
I wasn't the only one who sacrificed.
Why don't you come with me? What? To Washington, I think you should come with me.
What about Valerie? I mean, she's been helping you prep.
Valerie is magical, but Valerie [SIGHS.]
Is not my daughter.
You really want me to come? Well, I can't bring Howard.
Howard is a distraction.
Howard will just make me dance.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah? You and me, Wash? Ah! [RINGING TONE.]
♪ I'm gonna be a dad? - I'm gonna be a dad? - [LAUGHS.]
Are you fuckin' kidding me? Are you fuckin' kidding me? John, what the hell's goin' on in there? Quit clowning around.
I can see you on my phone.
Sorry about that, Joe.
Just get back to work now! No.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
What the ♪ John, what are you doing? ♪ You got a lot of nerve, flippin' me off! Amber's pregnant.
So, what do I care? I'm the father.
Now, look, I know you might find this hard to hear, and you and I been through a lot.
But you gotta know the truth.
Look.
You screwed up.
It happens.
- Send her to the clinic - Excuse me? And you and me, we'll figure this out.
You don't fuckin' get it, man.
Don't tell me you have feelings for that whore.
Don't talk about her like that.
Hey, what's goin' on? This between me and John and my ex-employee.
That's right, your ass is fuckin' fired.
Yeah, I figured.
And if you're looking for a recommendation, HERE IT IS fuck you and your goddamn twat - that you rode in on! - Yeah? Guess what? [THUDDING.]
I'm goin' with her.
John, what are you doing? You really gonna walk away from me? I'm the only one who ever loved you.
You don't love people.
You collect them.
Just like those goddamn cats.
Bullshit! You're gonna throw away everything over some used up piece of trash? I told you not to fuckin' talk about her like that! Okay, let's everyone just calm down.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
Let's go.
I got news for you.
That baby is gonna grow up to be a worthless piece of shit just like both of you! Take it easy.
Dude, take it easy.
John! John! John! John! Hey, hey! [GROANS.]
Rink, I'm sorry, man.
I'm okay, buddy.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
♪ Take care of yourself.
Shit.
Hey, Joe, if you're not up for it, you can always give these folks a raincheck.
I don't cancel shows.
Yeah? [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES.]
Hey, folks, who's ready to see some tigers? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're ready.
Yeah, we got some of the greatest we got great we [FEEDBACK WHINES.]
You know, people ask me why I spend so much time with cats.
Pretty simple.
Cats don't want to rip your heart out and then stomp all over it.
Sometimes it seems like there ain't no such thing as loyalty anymore, know what I mean? The people you care about the most, well, they're the ones that can break you and leave you for dead.
I ain't gonna lie.
It's hard for me to be up here right now.
But you paid your hard-earned money, brought your families here.
Just didn't want to let you down.
We're with you, Joe! You been through hard times, too, I bet.
You all know what it's like to hurt, don't you? I'm barely holding on to my farm! Yeah, I knew I wasn't the only one.
We're all hurtin' in this country.
Sometimes it feels like people don't care.
That we're all alone.
But I'll tell you what.
It's you all that keep me going, and I'm gonna keep you going.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[SWEEPING MUSIC.]
♪ I think I should run for governor.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean it! What do you know about politics? Shit, Trump did it.
Do you even vote? What's that got to do with anything? And what the hell are you even doing here with Rink? I was helpin' him fix the tractor.
I'm actually getting pretty good at it.
I gotta ask you, Joe, this governor thing, is this because is this 'cause of John? What? Just call him, man.
Make peace.
You know, fuck John and that skinny-ass home-wrecker.
He don't give a shit about me, but the people out there, they love me.
And they need someone to fight for them.
All right, but running for governor ain't just words, Joe, you know? You gotta build a whole campaign, and that takes political know-how.
You know, you're right.
I wouldn't know where to start.
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
I know.
I'm gonna put an ad on Craigslist.
♪ So you'll have ten minutes for prepared remarks.
Then questions, five minutes per representative.
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
There's cameras, but don't be nervous.
It's just C-SPAN.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Thanks.
♪ Oh, my God, this is insane.
I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
I have to get a photo.
Yes, but play it cool.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Okay.
Carole Baskin? How the hell are ya? [CHUCKLES.]
Forgive me.
We haven't officially met.
Doc Antle.
- Yes, I know who you are.
- Good.
You know, when I heard about this bill, I just knew I had to give the committee a chance to hear the other side.
You know, balance the scales, so to speak.
Who is this lovely young lady? - This is my daughter.
- Oh.
And she has come to watch me castrate your business.
Is that ri [BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, I love that confidence.
Well, you break a leg.
But you should know that I've known Joe Exotic for quite a long time and consider him a protégé of sorts, so I'm gonna enjoy watching you choke.
You call me if you're ever lookin' for work.
Aren't I too old for you? Whoa! Feisty.
Just like her mom, huh? Wink at my kid one more time.
- Sit down.
- Okay.
I was just offering a job.
No need to get upset.
Oh, God, I need a shower.
Mom, take no prisoners.
Got it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Mrs.
Baskin, this committee has many urgent issues to address.
Why is this the one that demands our attention now? It is imperative that we pass this bill now because as we sit here, there are currently twice as many tigers living in captivity as there are in the wild.
And these are cubs that are brought into the world exclusively for profit and exploitation.
Think about it, Congressman Rutledge.
These are babies.
And we're allowing them to live in unregulated and inhumane facilities.
And this is not just a moral issue.
It is, of course, a public safety issue.
500-pound carnivores are dangerous animals who will defend themselves to the death.
Did you know, in many states, it is easier to purchase a tiger than it is to purchase a puppy? Since 1990, there have been more than 400 incidents of violence involving big cats in private homes, resulting in 24 deaths, 5 of them children.
Just recently, an employee in a zoo in Oklahoma had his arm ripped off by a tiger.
What would you do if a tiger got loose in your district? And what would you say to your constituents when they asked what you'd done to protect them? ♪ Thank you for your testimony today, Mrs.
Baskin.
We've all learned a lot.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Thank you.
[SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
In my professional opinion, it's pretty late in the game to enter the primary.
That being said, you're unlike any other candidate running.
I'd love to start by hearing your positions.
Doggy, mostly.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, that's funny.
But no, I mean your Look, Josh, nobody cares about my positions.
They connect to me 'cause I'm exactly who I say I am.
I told him this is crazy.
Ain't nothing wrong with crazy.
Look, the only way you find out who you are, put yourself out there and say "fuck it.
" So let's cut to the chase.
Do you think I could win this thing or what? Well, I have a 77-county strategy, which I could really tailor to your particular strengths.
You hear that, Rink? He thinks I could really pull this off.
Just curious.
How many winning campaigns have you run? Well zero.
But I haven't had any losing ones either.
What? You've never run a campaign? How do you, like, make your money? I work at Walmart.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know I don't have a lot of experience, but I was a poli-sci major in college, I study politics in all my free time, and growing up as a gay kid in Oklahoma, there was one person I looked up to who wasn't afraid of being out and proud.
And that's you, Joe.
So if you're willing to take a chance on me, I'm willing to ride with you.
Well, I I think we've heard all we need to.
- Where do we start? - [PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
Ladies and gentleman, I've tried drugs, I've had some of the kinkiest sex you can imagine, and I'm broke as shit.
But I took a bare piece of land and turned it into the largest privately-owned zoo in America.
And I'll fix up Oklahoma the same way.
I don't care if you're Republican, a Democrat, a pot smoker, or a meth head.
I've never shrunk from a fight, and I will fight for you.
I am Joe Maldonado, and I am running for Governor of the great state of Oklahoma.
♪ It's just a mock up, but what do you think? Well, Josh, that's gotta be one of the most boring pieces of shit I ever seen in my life.
Will you look at me? Is there anything about me that screams boring? Put some tiger stripes in there.
Put my name in purple or hot pink.
We gotta grab this audience by the nut sack.
Okay.
And hey, one more thing.
When it's done, I want you to slap that bad boy all over Wynnewood so my ex John can see what a fuckin' mistake he made.
- Got it? - Copy that.
In the meantime, I'd like to get your numbers up.
How's it looking? Flash poll has us at 8%.
Damn.
That's kind of a great start.
It's 8% of registered Libertarians.
It's only a few hundred people.
But we can make up ground.
There's a parade this afternoon in Pauls Valley.
That's a good opportunity.
Hey.
Joe.
[KNOCKS ON WALL.]
Can I talk to you for a sec? I need to Need to, uh what's going on here? I'm running for governor, Jeff.
I'm gonna clean this state up.
I I thought you were supposed to be running the zoo.
This campaign's gonna be the best thing to ever happen to this zoo.
More people know my name, more people gonna be coming here.
You got the best entertainment director money can buy.
Yeah, yeah, I'll bet.
Wanna come outside? There's somebody I want you to meet.
Sure.
Un-fucking-believable.
[GRITTY ROCK MUSIC.]
♪ Jesus Christ.
Joe, meet Allen Glover.
We used to work together, and if it's all right with you, I'd like to bring him on, help out around here.
And do what? Scare little kids? Well, I guess if he's good enough for you, welcome aboard.
All righty then.
I got some babies to kiss.
Take it easy.
The fuck kind of freak show you bring me to? There you are.
What are you doing? Watching porn? You wish.
Actually, I'm thinking about taking a class and learning how to put engines together.
What for? I don't know, I just, like, think it'd be fun to try something new.
You know? Fuck it, right? [CHUCKLES.]
There's a class coming up real soon, so Uh-huh.
You gotta put that on hold.
I need you right now.
- For what? - For what? I'm running for governor.
I need my husband.
We got a parade to get ready for.
- Come on! - Okay.
You know, as a private big cat owner myself, I feel it's important to correct some of the ugly allegations that have been lobbed against us.
Carole Baskin told us that we should make sweeping laws based on the actions of a few bad apples.
Well, let me ask you.
Would Mrs.
Baskin take every citizen's driver's license away because a few people drank too much and got behind the wheel? I think we can all agree that that would be insane.
My fellow cat owners and I love our animals, and we believe in conservation.
But the only way to get the general public to save the tigers is to give them a chance to interact and fall in love with them.
But those are just words, so let me show you what I mean.
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
♪ [CROWD GASPS, COOS.]
Ladies and gentleman, meet Sheba.
Six weeks old and the innocent subject of all this fighting.
Mrs.
DeMartino, would you like to say hello to Sheba? There we go.
There we go.
There we are.
- [ALL AWW-ING.]
- So cute.
Now, don't be shy.
You can say hello.
She won't bite.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, look how happy that little cub is.
[LAUGHS.]
What is wrong with this? Nothing.
We can try and get it through committee in a year or two.
I just don't I don't understand.
- My mom did everything right.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's not about who's right.
There are other factors.
Like what? With some members, it's a gut instinct who they connect with.
What, and they connected with him? Enough of them did.
Did any of your colleagues actually think that she was wrong? See, that's not fair.
It's politics.
Fairness doesn't get a seat at the table.
It was hard for me to understand the first time too.
Carole.
Chin up.
♪ [ENGINE PURRING.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
The fuck? Hey, Joe, the gate's locked.
Yeah.
Well, can you open it for me? On my way.
Hey.
Hey, since when do we lock the gate around here? Since I needed to clamp down on security.
You know we can't trust nobody no more.
Where you going anyway? Oh, I was going to the night class.
Remember? I told you.
Yeah, I thought we decided that you weren't gonna do that right now.
Well, you decided.
I didn't think it was such a big deal.
- Oh, you didn't, huh? - It's just a class, Joe.
Look, I'm under a shit-load of pressure right now.
I'm running for fucking governor.
I know.
Well, that that's your thing.
You know? What's mine? To be there for me.
I am, okay? I can do both.
Look, why don't you just come on home? I'll get us a pizza.
You can pack a nice fat bowl and relax.
How does that sound? No.
- You want something stronger? - No! I don't want to do that shit anymore! - What the fuck do you want? - Something to do! Everybody's got a purpose here except for me! I want a purpose! A purpose? I gave you a place where no one's gonna fucking hurt you! So you just wanna leave me, huh? Just like John? What are you talking about, Joe? I don't want to leave you.
I just want something.
Don't play fucking stupid with me! Is that lock on the gate to keep people out, or to keep us in? [TENSE MUSIC.]
♪ I told you I needed you.
But if you want to go, go! Just go! You didn't have anybody to look after you before, did you? Nobody gave a fucking shit about you, and you think now, things are gonna be different for some fucking reason? Let me get one thing straight.
You step outside that gate, there ain't no coming back.
You can fuck off forever.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
So you leaving or what? ♪ No.
Good.
♪ [SIGHS.]
Here, let me.
One day, I believe you'll see this as a necessary step on the path to victory.
You just gotta keep at it.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I always told Jamie, "You knock on the door.
If they don't let you in, you knock the door down.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Exactly.
Well, that's how you got to the halls of Congress in the first place by being strong, determined, prepared.
And they hated me for it.
They sided with the jackass in the safari hat who has a harem.
Yeah, well, they made a mistake.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I just don't see why it would go any differently the next time.
Or ever.
They didn't vote against the bill 'cause they didn't like the bill.
They voted against the bill 'cause they didn't like me.
I'm not fun.
I'm not wild.
I'm I'm stiff.
You don't know why you don't like me, but you just don't.
I'm [SIGHS.]
I'm a blonde woman with strong convictions and a sturdy Midwestern accent.
We all know how that goes down.
All right, you got knocked down this time.
But I also know one of the things Jamie admires about you the most is that you don't stay down for long.
[RADIOHEAD'S "MY IRON LUNG".]
[DREAMY ROCK MUSIC.]
♪ Faith, you're driving me away ♪ ♪ Looking good.
There's my future first husband of Oklahoma.
Smile.
Come on, smile.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Yeah, that's it.
I'm gonna put this right up on my Facebook page.
I'm receiving pain ♪ A lack of oxygen ♪ From my life support ♪ My iron lung ♪ ♪ You know, the thing no one tells you about Neverland is, after all the flying and fighting pirates and hanging with fairies Fall asleep ♪ Then what? Too cynical to speak ♪ All those lost boys? Well, there's a reason they were lost.
But maybe it isn't the reason you think.
♪ Maybe it's 'cause, eventually, they wanted to leave Neverland.
But they just couldn't find a way out.
♪ Hey.
Oh, hey, Travis, I'm just getting some work done, okay? [EXHALES.]
Sure.
You won't even notice me.
♪ Travis, can you not play with that thing in here please? I'm just having some fun.
Please just put it down.
Serious man, it's not funny, all right? Put it down.
Relax.
It can't fire unless there's a clip in it.
[GUNSHOT RINGING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
♪ ♪ How about when Shaq came by to see those tigers, man? Remember, and he came back just to hang out with Travis.
Some crazy shit, man.
Shaq loved Travis.
Mm-hmm.
How about the time Travis asked if he could jump over me on his ATV? - [LAUGHTER.]
- What the heck? That kid was so stupid.
[SIGHS.]
Damn, that kid sure had a glow about him.
[CHAINSAW REVVING.]
Hey! Do you mind? We're grievin' over here! [CHAINSAW SHUTS OFF.]
What? I said we're grievin'! Fuckin' crybabies.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
It was an accident, right? We all want fairy tales to end happy.
[SOMBER, ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
The evil queen dies.
The girl gets the prince.
The kid with the big nose becomes a real boy.
But the truth is, the real world is full of poisoned apples and dragons.
♪ In the real world, you gotta fend for yourself.
And there ain't no fairy godmother to save you.
♪ [SOBBING.]
[SCREAMING.]
No! [GUNSHOT RINGS.]
- No! - [GUNSHOT RINGS.]
[SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE.]
No! Happily ever after, my ass.
[THE NATIONAL'S "RUNAWAY".]
There's no saving anything ♪ Now we're swallowing the shine of the summer ♪ There's no saving anything ♪ ♪ How we swallow the sun ♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing coming undone ♪ ♪ And it's taking us over ♪ We don't bleed ♪ When we don't fight ♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪ Throw your arms in the air tonight ♪ We don't bleed ♪ When we don't fight ♪ Go ahead, go ahead ♪ Lose our shirts in the fire tonight ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing coming undone ♪ ♪ But I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ 'Cause I won't run ♪ No, I won't be no runaway ♪ What makes you think I'm enjoying ♪ Being led to the flood? ♪ We got another thing ♪