Joe vs. Carole (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

The Florida Problem

1 Hola.
Dillon? Joe, hey! - Hey, nice to meet you.
- You too.
You look just like your photo.
I hope that's a good thing.
What, do I I've got something in my teeth.
No, I just can't believe someone as gorgeous as you wanted to go out with me.
Well, I can't believe a celebrity wanted to go out with me.
I was thinking about majoring in psychology.
I've always been really interested in how the brain works.
But cheerleading practice was so intense, I couldn't keep up with my classes.
- You're a cheerleader? - Was.
I might go back eventually, but it depends on a lot of things.
I saw your campaign ads for governor.
They were kickass.
Ah, I only got 18% of the primary vote and That was when Travis died, and I-I kinda lost interest in the whole thing.
I'm so sorry.
You said on Grindr he passed recently? Yeah, three weeks ago tomorrow.
I miss him every day.
His face, his laugh.
Hell, even the smell of his balls.
That sounds crazy, sorry.
Sounds like you really loved him.
I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
But I feel like I got a hole in my heart, Dillon.
It's all I can do to make it through each day.
This might be fast But I need someone who's gonna be there for me.
Is that someone you? Guess this is where I say, you may now kiss the groom.
Thank you.
I'll be honest, I didn't think I was gonna survive the last few months.
Only so much tragedy and pain one man can take, not that Carole Baskin gave a shit about what I was going through.
That bitch keeps comin' after me.
May her tit get caught in her own meat grinder.
But then I met Dillon And things just turned a corner.
Everything's gonna be better now.
I just know it.
How bad off you gotta be to nab Joe Exotic as your sugar daddy, hmm? Maybe he actually loves Joe.
- Congrats, lovebird.
- Thank you, sir.
James Garretson, I'm a friend of your husband's.
This a-hole and me go way back.
Got into all sorts of trouble together.
You an exotic animal guy, too? Well, hell yeah, Joe hooks me up with my tigers.
Speaking of which That better be a wedding present.
I need you to do the paperwork for Forrest.
Leave it at the office.
I'll get around to it after the honeymoon.
- How's he doing? - Rehab's going good.
Vet says he's getting better every day.
- What's wrong with him? - Club feet.
Where's this new business partner of yours? Jeff Lowe? Over there in the leather.
Well, who's the human thumb with him? Oh, that's an ex-con that Jeff brought to work the grounds.
Name's Glover.
That's a nice teardrop tattoo.
You comfortable letting a murderer work here? Alleged murderer.
Hell, if I cared what people did before they got here, I'd be workin' this place all by myself.
And I've been working with you for years, ain't I? Suppose so.
Well, excuse me.
I see shrimp.
You eaten anything since breakfast? Nah, I'm too excited to eat.
You're having fun, right? Happiest day of my life, baby.
Howie, how're we lookin'? I don't know if pink is my color.
Uh, what are you supposed to be? Well, look.
I'm a beautiful flamingo.
Wait, then you have to stand on one leg.
Oh, yeah, that is something else.
Who thought making the Fur Ball a costume event was a good idea? Howie, Fur Ball is the night in south Florida wildlife activism.
If they say dress like a jungle animal, you say, "Which one?" I suppose I can sacrifice my dignity on the altar of a good cause.
Maybe we can find you something that looks less like a fallopian tube.
That would be nice.
Thank you.
Are you gonna wear your lion costume? Jamie, I'm the keynote speaker.
I think I need something with a little more gravitas.
I'm going as a cheetah.
- Howie - Yeah? Sidney texted.
Which one, Pierce or Kauffman? Pierce he says the lawsuits are being served today.
What lawsuits? We are suing everyone in Joe's inner circle.
Every tattooed sycophant and toothless enabler in the bunch.
That is awfully scorched earth.
That's the idea.
John Reinke? Can I help you? You've been served.
Well, my wife's already divorcing me, if you're here on account of that.
This ain't from your wife.
What in the hell What in the hell am I supposed to do with this? Ah, she came at everybody on the board of directors.
Finlay, Jeff Lowe I'm on the board of directors? What, I didn't tell you? I can't be fighting a lawsuit right now, Joe.
I got child support payments to worry about, alimony I don't see Jeff bellyaching over it.
'Cause he can afford a lawyer! Oh, God, I can't do this anymore, Joe.
What's that supposed to mean? Things ain't been right around here for some time now and after Travis I gotta go.
What? I'm leaving the zoo.
How the fuck am I supposed to run this place on my own? - I-I need you! - Oh, quit your bullshit, Joe.
You don't need me! You just want people to say what you wanna hear and you got sick of hearing what I had to say a long fuckin' time ago.
Here, keys, badge, walkie.
We're square.
Fuck! Hey, Carole Baskin ain't gonna leave you alone just 'cause you're runnin'.
She's a fuckin' tank; she's gonna roll over anything to get at me any way she can.
You're giving her everything she wants by leavin'.
You are! You're helping her destroy me! Look, I love you, man, but I'm done.
Goddamn bitch goes after my road shows, turns my people against me.
Thought we could talk it out, come to an understanding, but she doesn't want peace.
She just wants blood.
She ain't never gonna let up! She's just gonna keep coming and coming and coming.
I'm not goin' out that way.
If it's her or me, I'm the one gettin' out alive.
I'm the one! I swear to God, someone's gotta kill that bitch.
Someone's gotta kill that bitch.
What? That tattoo of yours mean what I think it means? So what if it does? Then I got a job for you.
I want you to kill Carole Baskin.
And then blam, blam, blam, you take her out.
No guns.
Why the hell not? I'm a felon.
I get popped for possession, they're gonna lock me up, throw away the key.
They're also gonna lock you up if they catch you murdering somebody.
Sorry I'm late.
I had a girl over who did not wanna leave.
Couldn't get enough of a good thing, know what I mean? What the fuck's this guy doing here? James is helping us with logistics.
You got the ID? "Homer Atkinson"? You feel like a Homer to me.
Fuck you and your piece-of-shit ID.
Okay, that is quality craftsmanship right there.
You should've given me a normal name, asswipe! Guys, please, we gotta work some shit out here.
Whatever, let's get this figured out so I can get paid.
Get what figured out? Glover's gonna take care of our Carole Baskin problem once and for all.
I told that bitch, you know, to leave well enough the fuck alone.
She left us no choice.
All right, you guys go about your business.
I'm gonna see what the specials are.
Can't use a gun I got an old crossbow you can use.
You just put a 20-inch carbon bolt in there.
It goes right through her chest, out the other side.
I don't know, I messed up my back a while ago.
Crossbow's got a 150-pound pull at the string average.
That'll give you a back spasm for sure.
Thanks for that, James.
I'm pretty handy with a chainsaw.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Take her head right off.
You guys know what you want? Um, what is the difference between the boneless wings and the double crunch boneless wings? We fry 'em twice.
Only 20 more calories than the regular wings.
I'll take the rib dipper.
Corn dog.
I'm sorry, sir.
Corn dog's on the kids' menu.
Corn dog.
So what do you want me to do with the body? Yeah, we're outside his store, Danielle.
I'm here with local law enforcement and Well, I thought I could call you, Danielle.
I mean, we've been partners eight months now and I'm cool if you want to call me Scott or Scottie or Roger that, we're not there yet, all good.
Yeah, well, we'll just sit tight here until Hello hello? Partners, you know You can do what you want ♪ Just seize the day ♪ Don't you know that tomorrow's ♪ Gonna come your way ♪ Don't you ever consider giving up ♪ You will find, ooh ♪ It's a beautiful life, ooh ♪ It's a beautiful life, ooh ♪ It's a beautiful life, ooh ♪ I just wanna be here ♪ Beside you ♪ Fuck me James Brandon Garretson? Department of Fish and Wildlife.
We're here to ask you a few questions.
Knew I was pushing it with them goddamn lemurs According to the USDA, you've been permanently disqualified from obtaining, holding, or using any Animal Welfare Act license since 2007.
Has it been that long? I'm sure you know that buying, selling, transporting, or exhibiting regulated animals without a valid license is illegal.
Did you get someone to sign those licenses for you? What if I had some information you might be interested in? Like a trade-for-immunity kind of a thing.
You got a rogue iguana around here somewhere? No, something bigger than that.
Like a Komodo dragon? Like a murder-for-hire.
If you can close this please Brand-new, untraceable.
I put some pictures of Carole on there in case you forget what that woofer looks like.
You just turned it off.
It's gonna stay off until this thing's done, unless I run into a problem.
My money? Right.
3,000, plus 250 in expenses.
Here's your ticket.
You're on the 10:15 bus outta Oklahoma City.
I ain't takin' no bus.
I told you, I got a bad back.
Listen, man, Garretson and I talked about this.
It's the best way to get you into Tampa undetected.
I gotta take a bus, this thing's off.
Where is this guy? Bus leaves in ten minutes.
I won't miss him, not with these babies.
10x magnification, seven lens eyepiece.
Spotted a Fulvous whistling duck and an out of season bobolink with 'em.
We're parked 30 feet away from the entrance.
Let me see the photo again? How much do you trust your source? As far as I can throw him.
But I got a ticket agent on the record.
She says Joe used cash to buy a ticket from OKC to Tampa, - leaving tonight.
- How'd she know it was Joe? Said she voted for him.
The hell are you grinning about? I already feel lighter.
You know, soon as you do this, I'm gonna get back everything that bitch took away from me.
Okay, let's get one thing straight.
Any of you motherfuckers rats on me, every person that they love, I will have burned alive.
Every fucking single one.
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
They will burn the fuck alive.
Okay, that's good to know.
Happy hunting! So what you're saying is that someone is currently on their way here to murder me and there's nothing you can do about it? How in the hell did it come to this? It's beyond comprehension.
The man hired someone to kill you and yet they won't arrest him.
Well, there were no witnesses to any actual exchange of money so I know what the law says, but it's idiotic.
Worse it's moronic.
We'd definitely want to install a deadbolt or three, motorized shades and motion-detecting floodlights.
I'd also recommend removing those Big Cat Rescue decals from your personal vehicles.
And you might want to reconsider your wardrobe until the threat has passed.
What is wrong with my wardrobe? No offense, ma'am, but you kind of stand out in a crowd.
Well, then I'll have to go shopping.
I'd do it online and if you have to go out, switch up your regular routes.
We'd also recommend hiring personal security for when you're not on premises.
- Personal security? - Mm-hmm.
Motorized shades.
How soon can you get started? We've just been so busy since the wedding.
Hey, Joe, my sister wants to know if we can come for dinner in a couple weeks? Joe? Oh, sorry, just waitin' for a call from Glover.
That asshole with the tattoo? - What's he calling about? - Aw, don't you worry about it.
Hey, maybe text me some dates, and we'll figure it out.
Yo, Joe! Hey! Hey! Where's the shit guy, huh? You know the fertilizer company, the one that you pay a lot of money to to haul away all this animal dung? I mean, we got a we got a pile of tiger crap back there.
It's gotta be like 10 feet high.
Yeah, I must've forgotten to schedule it.
You know, I got a lot going on.
I just got married You know, just stop it right there, okay, 'cause I really don't give a shit about any of that or your child-bride, okay? I need you here.
I need you solving problems.
I am solving problems.
In fact, I sent your man Glover on a little errand.
Gonna solve our biggest problem.
What the hell are you talking about? Just between you and me, pretty soon, we're not gonna have to worry about Carole Baskin ever again.
- You get my meaning? - What? Look, Joe, I don't know what you're up to, and, frankly, I don't wanna know, okay? So whatever you're planning, you leave me the fuck out of it.
You want me to call the shit truck? No, that's okay, Joe, I'll take care of it like I do everything else around here.
The subscriber you've dialed has not set up their voice mailbox.
Yeah, I just gotta take care of this thing, then I'll be home, okay? Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, you can't park here.
Excuse me.
I'm on the phone.
It's employees only.
You have to leave.
Hold on a second.
Okay, where was I? Okay, so I've got this draft of my Fur Ball keynote - Mm-hmm.
- But Howard thinks it needs more jokes.
So what if, in the second paragraph, I was like, "If there's one thing I've learned from dealing "with these big-cat owners, it's that they're a bunch of lions and cheetahs.
" Like like liars and cheaters? Is it that bad? No, it's not that, it's just When you told me you were hiring security, I didn't realize he'd be at the office all day.
Well, he has a name.
It's Arthur.
And it's just for a little while so I'm worried about you, Carole.
How long is a "little while"? Well, I don't know, Valerie.
Do you contract a hitman by the job or by the hour? I can't exactly call up Joe and find out.
I am sorry for all of this craziness, really.
What do you think, Arthur? "Lions and cheetahs"? It's a bit of a thinker, ma'am.
- Sleep well.
- You too.
Open up, Chuckie! Hey, you ain't heard from Glover, have you? - Nope.
- Fuck.
You bring that paperwork? This shit drives me crazy.
I've been callin' that burner of his like a hundred times and it's still off, which means the deed is not done.
You just gotta be patient.
You know, he's on the road.
It's only 18 hours to get to Tampa.
Yeah, but a bus makes a lot of stops, you know.
Maybe they had engine trouble or Motherfucker wouldn't take a bus.
I had to get him a car.
Like a rental? I don't know, it was a beater from the zoo, who cares? I don't care but, you know, if it had GPS or something, that would be a good way to find out where he was.
It don't have that shit, okay? And the thought of her just goin' about her life without a care in the world it really frosts my fuckin' ass.
Well, you know, he's a professional.
I mean, you paid him a lot of money to kill Carole Baskin, right? Yeah, like 3 grand.
You all right? What's goin' on with you today? Yeah, I just want it to all work out for you, Joe.
And it will, you know? You just gotta stay the course.
Yeah, you're right.
You you want some beer? I got some beer in the mini-fridge.
We could order a pizza or something.
Are you tryin' to get into my pants? That's funny! Joe, you're you're ha! You're a funny guy, Joe.
You know that? Un-fuckin-believable.
The bitch is still breathin'.
She's making fondue.
What the fuck? - Joe! - What? Get in here.
We got a problem.
You wanna explain this? What, you never seen a canceled check before? It's what the checks are for that's the problem, Joe.
You got $12,000 in printing.
You got $3,000 for limo rentals.
Campaign expenses.
Yeah, but you charged all the stuff on the zoo's account.
What's the difference? It's all my money.
Not according to campaign finance law, it ain't.
Like anyone gives a fuck about that.
I do, I give a fuck, Joe.
Wanna know why? 'Cause the zoo's in my name.
Since when are you a stickler for the law? What are you gettin' at there, Joe? Come on, I looked you up before I signed that contract.
Mail fraud, domestic violence you ain't no Boy Scout.
Yeah, well, none of that shit stuck.
But this shit would, not to mention whatever the hell else it is you got cookin' up with Glover, which I want zero to do with.
What's that supposed to mean? It means I am sick and tired of your fuckin' bullshit.
And I'll be goddamned if I am going down with you.
All right, you look at me.
You gotta go.
What, you tryin' to kick me outta my own zoo? Now now, which zoo could you possibly be talkin' about, Joe? You don't own a zoo.
You signed it over to me.
We had a fucking partnership.
Oh, I get it, you've been planning this the whole time, haven't you, to take my park from me? This conversation's over.
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you, Joe! I am sick and tired of the fuckin' weddings, the funerals, the fuckin' campaign for governor, and the whole goddamn hillbilly circus.
I'm going out of town for a couple of days and when I get back, I want you fuckin' gone.
- You hear me? - Or what? Or I'm gonna call the goddamn feds, I'm gonna bring 'em in here, and let them sort it out! You got that? Hey, where you been all day? Took a walk.
You okay? If I have to leave the zoo Would you come with me? What are you talking about? I might've done some stuff that's coming back to bite me and if we stick around, I got a feeling that things are gonna get real bad, real fast and I I don't think I have a choice.
Where would we go? I don't know, um I haven't got much money.
I got nothing to offer you.
And if you don't wanna throw in with a sad old man, I'd get it.
And, you know what I'm used to people leavin'.
I said 'til death do us part, didn't I? Hello? I'm not afraid of you.
I have a gun.
I'm not afraid.
You're not real.
I'm not afraid of you.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I am not afraid.
Carole? What the hell are you doing out here? Jesus Christ, get away from that thing! What what? You see it? It's a fucking alligator! Of course I see it! Wait, you're leaving? What about us? Yeah, are we still gonna have jobs or Hey, fuck you for worrying about yourselves.
You should be thinkin' about these poor tigers.
Obviously we're thinking about them, man, but, I mean, what are we supposed to do? We're gonna call every last exotic animal person we know and say, you can give these cats a good home, we'll sell 'em to you.
If we can't sell 'em all, we give 'em away.
To get back at Jeff? No, to protect the tigers! Look, Jeff doesn't give a damn about 'em.
I'm the one who loves these animals.
I birthed 'em, I gave 'em their first bottle, and I'll be damned if I let Jeff Lowe harm a single hair on their beautiful heads.
If you feel the same way, you'll help me.
Fuck it, I'm in.
- Me too.
- All right.
We got a shitload of animals to rehome so let's go.
Hey Doc, it's Joe.
Think you can get out here? 'cause I got a deal for you Listen, Fran, I can help you turn Safari Wonderland from a good park into a great one.
Now, Pat, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but how would you like 'em free of charge? Well, I didn't think we'd be able to pull it off, man.
Look at this place.
Can't believe we got rid of all the tigers.
Not all of 'em.
Darling? You okay? Yeah, you got my speech? Yes, I do.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Look, I know tonight is important, but that hitman could be anywhere, so if at any point you want to Let's go.
All right.
My handsome stag.
I'll start getting us packed.
We should be ready to go in a few hours.
I just can't bear the thought of my babies suffering.
I can't leave 'em with Jeff, I just can't.
It's not like we can take them with us.
You did everything you could.
Hey, Joe, got your tigers in the lockout cages.
Yeah, I'll finish feeding 'em.
You go on home.
You sure? I don't mind No, I got this.
Jamie's already inside waiting.
Whenever you're ready, Mrs.
Thank you.
I'll be with you the whole time.
Okay, good.
God, there's so many people.
- You all right? - Feel like a sitting duck.
Do you think there's any way you can get us in faster? - I'll see what I can do.
- Okay.
Excuse me, excuse me.
You okay? Get away from me! Get away from me! I'm sorry I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
I left them without a keynote speaker.
Oh, I'm sure they figured something out.
Did people see me running? They're gonna think I'm crazy.
No one's gonna remember.
Lie back.
- Howard.
- Yeah? Did I push too hard? This thing with Joe, did I take it too far? You were trying to do what's right.
You should get some rest.
Found a bunch of old photos.
Want me to pack 'em? Joe? What the hell happened to you? You finished packing? Almost.
Well, hurry up.
We gotta get on the road.
Come on.
Everything's gonna be okay, a brand-new life, you and me.
We gotta get goin' before everybody else Jesus! I had to.
- Hi, Jamie.
- How's she doing? Oh, you know, about as well as can be expected.
Is she coming in? No.
No, not today.
Okay, tell her I love her.
I'll let her know, thanks.
Is that your old lady? - Not hardly.
- Mm.
How much do I owe you for the party? What are you doing carrying around a wad like that, anyway? I told this asshole I'd do a job for him.
Paid me cash.
Must've been some job.
I ain't gonna do it.
Fuck him.
You're adorable.
Hey, Ma, it's me.
Be home in about an hour.
Yeah, I can't wait to see you, too.
Love you.
- That all of it? - Yep.
All right, let's go.

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