Joey s02e07 Episode Script

Joey and the Poker

Ladies and gentleman, let's welcome our Miss USA contestants.
- God, I love beauty pageants.
- Me too.
Really? They're so degrading, I mean they objectify women.
Come on, what are you talking about.
Look at the ham hocks on Miss Virginia.
- So you going out later tonight? - No, I think I'm gonna take it easy.
Between working on the movie and remodeling my new house, I'm exhausted.
It's nice to have time with my friends and family to just relax.
- I need $ 10,000 or some kids are gonna die.
- What? I volunteer down at the rec center for boys and the building is so run-down the city's about to condemn it.
This could be a chance for you to touch the lives of some kids in need.
Hey, we can even name the place after you.
That could be kind of nice.
We'll call it The Joey Tribbiani Center for Touching Young Boys.
- No, we won't, no.
- No, no, no.
It's a contractor from my new house again.
No, that's not what I meant.
- You and Joey are getting pretty cozy, huh? - We've been getting kind of close.
I was just sitting here and he came and sat next to me.
Of course he did, you're special.
You're holding the popcorn.
That had nothing to do with it.
Oh, yeah? Zach.
No, no, no, just please just do what I told you, okay? God, remodeling a house is such a pain in the ass.
Why don't you hire an interior decorator? They handle these details for you.
Yeah, you're right, that's a good idea.
I'll start doing some research tomorrow.
I gotta find someone really qualified.
I'm Candace Sherwood, a graduate of Santa Cruz State with a degree in Interior Design.
You're hired.
Here you go.
How about a little toast to us? Oh, that sounds nice.
Hello? Oh, hey, Candace.
Yeah, come on up, it's apartment 7.
Okay, bye.
Who's that? That was my interior designer.
She's stopping by to go over these blueprints.
Oh, the beauty queen? Yeah, but not only is she super hot, she is very, very smart.
And we get along great.
So Hey, Candace.
Come on in.
This is my neighbor Alex.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So have you looked at the designs? - They are awesome, yeah.
But I had a question about the screening room.
Now, this right here, just looks like a big wall.
Where's the screen? No, the wall is the screen.
The wall is the screen, Alex.
Wow, okay, you know what, I got something I wanna run by you just give me a second.
So have you been in a lot of beauty pageants? No, only one.
A friend of mine wanted to try out and I tagged along.
Next thing I know, I'm in the finals.
Oh, yeah, been there.
I went to my sister's audition for Miss Orange County and one of the judges noticed me.
Next thing you know, I'm backstage operating the curtain, so Two pretty good stories.
- Hey, is Joey seeing anyone? - Why? Well, he seems really nice and he's cute.
We're having a working dinner later tonight and I think I'm gonna make a move.
Okay, I found an example of the color I wanna use in the kitchen.
Do you think you could match this? I could, but what do you think about something a little closer to this? Wow, yeah.
Well I like them both.
Oh, okay.
What if we use mine for the cupboards and yours for the tile? Or perhaps I could interest you in something like this.
And here's the rec center.
- This place is pretty run-down.
- Yeah, but there's a lot of love.
So, what do you say, Joey? Zach, you know I would love to help out, but $ 10,000, that's a lot of money.
Before you say no, why don't you meet more of the kids? All right, hey, hey, everybody.
Kids, look who's here.
Hey, it's Dr.
Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives.
No, it's Agent Ron Stone from Universal Pictures' Captured.
In theaters summer 2006.
Joey! Joey! Joey! Yay! You don't think I see what you're doing? I'm not gonna make a decision on whether or not to contribute here based on some ego thing.
Oh, come on, man.
Hey, hey, kids.
When I say, "Joey," you say, "Yeah!" - Joey! - Yeah! - Joey! - Yeah! I like that one.
All right, I'm in.
Hey, when I say, "Joey," you say, "Yeah!" - Joey! - Yeah! - Joey! - Yeah! - Joey! - Yeah! You are kicking my butt.
I haven't won a hand in like an hour.
What am I doing wrong? All right.
Give me three cards.
All right, well, I guess I'll raise.
- I fold.
- It's like you can read my mind.
All right, you ready? Here we go, let's do this.
All of this.
- What the hell are you doing? - Abby's teaching me the vegan lifestyle.
The way our society treats animals it's It's unthinkable.
So we decided you should have a meatless kitchen.
Give me that! It is natural for humans to eat meat, okay? We eat the cows, the cows eat the grass we mow the grass, which makes us hungry for more cows.
It's the circle of life.
Forget him, he's hopeless.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
Do you wanna watch a movie maybe open another bottle of wine? I would love to hang out but I told Candace I would come by her place tonight.
- Her place? - She said something about blueprints but I don't know, I think something might happen.
- No, no, no.
You can't go.
- Why? Because we're still playing poker.
Come on, bros before ho's.
Okay, but I'm sick of losing.
If I lose another hand, I'm gonna go.
All right, we'll just find a game that you can win at.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You ever play Five Card Draw? - Yeah.
- You ever play Texas Hold 'Em? - No.
- Then that's our game.
I think your luck is about to change.
I'll deal the first one faceup so you can learn the rules.
Okay? - Great, I lose.
That was fun, I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.
You win.
Why? I have a two and a four and you have two jacks.
Yeah, but two jacks is an awful hand in Texas Hold 'Em.
Why? Well, come on.
Two guys with mustaches, wearing festive clothing? That kind of thing is frowned upon in Texas.
It's a gay thing? That's terrible.
Who cares what a guy with one eye and a guy with a knife in his head do in the privacy of their own home? Yeah, but those are the rules.
Come on, you wanna play another hand? All right, I'll just play until I lose.
Boy, I wonder what happens if I get two queens.
Oh, yeah, you'll see.
These blood packets take forever to set up.
What's it been, two hours? Almost three.
But don't worry, it's gonna look great on-screen.
Okay, finally done.
There's just one more thing.
See this button? Don't press it until I tell you.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michael.
What are you doing here? I'm just looking for Abby.
- We're going to a protest tonight.
- Can I ask you something personal? - Have you and Abby slept together? - No.
Abby thinks our relationship is special.
- She wants to take it slowly.
- Yeah, that explains it.
The only reason you're into this save-the-world crap is because you and Abby haven't done it yet.
And don't feel bad.
At some point, every young guy pretends to be into something to get a girl.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Really? Sherry Rosenberg, ninth grade.
I was bar mitzvahed for her.
Well, that's That's just not how I work.
I actually do care about the environment, she just helped to me see how much.
Oh, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chain myself to a bulldozer.
Oy vey, with the farkakt bulldozer.
I wonder what the red button does.
I guess nothing.
All right.
I'm going all in.
Okay, I'll call.
- Man, you got three aces? - Yeah, but you still win.
- Why? - You have a queen without a king.
So? - She's sad and she's hungry - She's sad and she's hungry so she eats chips.
so she eats chips.
- Joey, can I talk to Alex for a second? - Sure, yeah.
You know, while you talk to her you might wanna play a couple hands of Texas Hold 'Em.
She stinks.
So do you.
- What are you doing? - I'm playing poker with Joey.
No, you're making up rules and you're letting him win, why? All right, fine.
I'm doing it to keep him away from Candace and it's working.
I can't believe you would do this, where are you morals? Oh, please.
You stabbed your last boyfriend.
In the leg.
Look, this isn't hurting anybody and I have everything under control, okay? Oh, my God, I'm six hours late for work.
- Hello? - Joey, it's me.
What's going on? You missed your publicity shoot this morning.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Bobbie.
I completely forgot.
You know, I work really hard to set these things up.
So when you forget them, I really take it personally.
Are you trying to hurt me? Because I'll let you.
- What? - I'm just kidding.
Or am I? - So, Joey, where were you today anyway? - Oh, I was playing poker.
- Really, and what kind? - No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em.
Well, I just might have an interesting opportunity for you.
- Are you any good? - Real good.
Why? Joey, welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown.
Dave Foley.
Any questions about how to play? Oh, I think I'll be okay.
Murphy, I am so sorry I'm late.
But we still have plenty of time to get you ready for your deposition tomorrow.
Now, tax evasion is scary, and I know you're concerned about jail time but as long as you're prepared, it's Just a second.
Hello, Alex Garrett.
Alex, Joey's going on Celebrity Poker Showdown tonight.
He's going to humiliate himself.
You gotta tell him what you did or I will.
So I'm gonna go.
But tomorrow, big smile and okay.
Joey Tribbiani.
I'm a big fan.
Alan Thicke.
Wow, nice to meet you.
- What charity are you playing for? - It's a rec center down on Jefferson.
- My friend Zach volunteers there.
- Oh, good.
I work with kids too.
My charity's the Alan Thicke Center for the Performing Arts.
Arts? Why, is Growing Pains hanging in some museum I don't know about? Excuse me? Our charity is gonna take your bitch-ass charity down.
Hey, there's nothing bitch-ass about teaching privileged children improv.
Guys, guys, please You feeling cocky? You guys wanna make a side bet? - How's 500 sound? - How's a thousand sound? I'm feeling pretty good about Texas Hold 'Em, let's make it 10,000.
You're on.
All right.
I got the feeling I'm gonna get my hands on some hungry queens.
Yeah, okay.
Joey, they need you on-stage.
- Joey, I gotta talk to you for a second - Not now, he's busy.
- No, wait, this is really important - Honey, I've been drinking.
Unless you want to be punched or made out with, get out of the way.
Welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown.
I'm Dave Foley and I'm here with poker expert Phil Gordon.
And now, what do you say we meet tonight's players.
We have Alan Thicke.
Louie Anderson.
Cindy Margolis.
And Joey Tribbiani.
They've dealt the first hand and it looks like Joey Tribbiani has a seven, four.
Yeah, he should fold, Dave.
Seven and a four, givesy-takesy rule.
Here you go.
Dave, givesy-takesy is not a rule in Texas Hold 'Em.
You can't touch my cards.
Well, you got a five.
Okay, that's a shield card.
But that only works if you put it on your forehead.
- Can you swear on Bravo? - No.
What the are you doing? Louie Anderson, put your card down, you look like a fool.
You're right, Coolio.
All right, let's see them.
Two jacks.
You're the loser.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are because of the gay thing.
Looks like that rec center isn't gonna see a dime.
Thanks to Joey Tribbiani, a lot of new murderers will be hitting the streets.
Oh, no, Joey has three out of the four suits.
Oh, God.
Please don't get a heart.
Please don't get a heart.
That's all four suits.
Looks like we're about to have a Texas earthquake.
It's a Texas gold rush.
- Some of those are mine.
- Hey, hey.
Gina, you are never gonna believe what happened.
I know.
I just got off the phone with Bobbie.
I warned you, Alex.
I knew this was gonna happen.
You knew that Joey was gonna go on Celebrity Poker and get put in headlock by Coolio.
What am I gonna do? He's gonna ask me why I lied about those rules.
Tell him you did it because you have feelings for him.
I don't know.
I was waiting for the right time to tell him.
I don't want to freak him out.
Well, he's not gonna be that surprised, it's not that big a deal.
Watch this.
- Michael? - Yeah? - Alex is in love with Joey.
- What? Oh, my God! This changes everything! - Gina, what are you doing? - Okay, well, Michael's a little sensitive.
Zach? Alex is in love with Joey.
Oh, no, no, no! I know.
I just found out too.
Oh, man! Now what's gonna happen to the group? - Thanks a lot, Gina.
- Okay, it's a bigger deal than I thought.
This is a good thing.
Now the truth is out, you can deal with it.
No, if he hears that I made up the rules to some game to keep him away from a girl he's gonna think I'm pathetic and crazy.
He's never gonna see me as someone he can be with.
Damn it, I was just starting to think that it might happen between us.
Hey, it still could.
No, not now.
He's gonna ask me why I did this, and I'm gonna have to tell him.
Oh, my God.
I feel so bad for her.
Love between friends can be so painful, Michael.
That's why I haven't gotten it on with your mom.
- Why are you so out of breath? - Alan Thicke is chasing me.
I owe him $ 10,000.
Thank God he has bad knees.
I had to zigzag to get away from him.
- Is that my meat in that bag? - No, no, no.
I'm just cleaning up the garbage around the apartment.
Look, Michael, please.
Just sleep with Abby, okay.
The second you do, you will stop caring about all this save-the-earth crap.
How dare you say that.
You are so shallow.
To me, Joey, there's more to life than sex, okay? Can you get that through your head? I care about real things.
Like making the world a better place for my kids and my kids' kids.
Kids? How are you two gonna have kids? Kids don't come from cleaning otters! Hey, Joey.
Hi What the hell happened? Why did you teach me the wrong rules? - It's a little hard to explain.
- You know what else is hard to explain? Why I tried to take Louie Anderson's shirt off because I had a seven and a two.
Why would you do this? What reason could you possibly have? Okay I'm just gonna tell you.
- Alex, you coming in to play, or what? - What? Zach just got a Texas gold rush.
- What? - What? Come on in and play.
The hungry queen! Give me them chips.
Oh, man, I lowered my shield card.
Wait, what? You all play like this? Yeah.
I taught Alex.
Right, Alex? Yes, Joey.
That was what I was just going to tell you is that Gina taught me these rules, and then I taught you.
So really it's Gina's fault.
Yeah, Gina's so stupid.
I'm sorry.
I guess the people down at Celebrity Poker were wrong.
Yeah, I'm sure they are.
Most people play this way.
Really? Thank you, guys, thank you so much.
- You'll tell him when you're ready.
- Yeah.
Joey, you were supposed to meet me, what happened? Candace, I'm so sorry.
This Celebrity Poker thing came up at the last minute.
Anyway, I came by because I totally redid the plans and I wanna get your input.
Okay, you know what? No, no, no.
Let's just Look, I stood you up, okay.
So let me take you out and make it up to you, huh? - That sounds nice.
- All right.
Come on, let's go.
- Hey, I'll see you guys later.
- Bye.
Hey, you gonna be all right? I want my money.
What's up, man? You ready to rock 'n' roll? Where's your trash? - You mind throwing that in the recycle bin? - Recycle? Two days ago you helped me throw my old toilet off the Santa Monica Pier.
I know, but it's important to Michael.
I thought he was just doing this stuff for a girl but I guess I was wrong.
Look, he and I are just different.
I guess.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How was your night? - Oh, it was really good.
- Oh, Yeah? - Yeah.
Michael, shouldn't that can go in the recycle bin? Whatever.
- Sweetie? - Hey.
I'll pick you up later so we can clean up that stretch of highway we adopted.
Man, am I not doing that.
- Did you? - We did.
- Was it? - It was.
- Did she? - Does it matter? Oh, I just came up with a really good lie to get out of that highway thing.
Congratulations, Michael.
Last night you became a man, but just now you became a Tribbiani.