Joey s02e08 Episode Script

Joey and the Sex Tape

Here it is.
Next time on Ellen, from the new movie Captured Ellen welcomes Joey Tribbiani.
Next time on Ellen.
- Hey.
- Hey, yeah.
Suck on that, Oprah.
All right, I gotta practice my entrance for the Ellen show.
- Okay.
- Ready? Well, of course, if you're not gonna I'm gonna look like an ass.
You know what, just be natural.
No one enters a room like that.
Give it up.
Zach is in the house.
What's going on? I'm just getting ready for my appearance on Ellen.
- You're going on the Ellen show? - You wanna come? Oh, man, you are not in the Hollywood loop, are you? Everyone knows Ellen and I don't get along.
What are you talking about? We had a falling-out when I had a line on her sitcom 10 years ago.
And that was the beginning of our feud.
It's sad, really, because it kind of killed both of our careers.
Oh, okay, I got another idea.
Tell me what you think of this for an entrance.
That's what I'm talking about, huh? Hey, Bobbie Oh, hey, Gina.
What are you doing? Where's Bobbie? She'll be back in a second.
Until then, I'm her.
She's making me take her insurance physical.
I had to give her a urine sample for that last year.
Well, good news, Bobbie.
According to these charts, your health has improved markedly.
Your blood pressure is no longer in the stroke range your liver has rejuvenated and that bullet seems to have dislodged itself.
Oh, what a relief.
Also, there's considerably less testosterone in your urine this year.
So it was pretty high last year, right? The point is, you're in exceptional health for a woman turning 40 in two days.
- Bobbie's turning 40? - I know, that's weird.
She didn't mention anything and there's nothing on her calendar.
Oh, hey, Gina.
Oh, hey, Joey.
So you wanted to see me? Oh, yeah, listen, honey.
Once you reach a certain level of fame people start cropping up from your past.
People who wanna exploit you.
I got a call from a woman about a sex tape you made and she's threatening to release it.
Really? I know.
Your career could use a little scandal.
It'd be great for your image.
So who's the girl? Her name is Celeste.
Celeste? Celeste DeWolf? I know what's on that tape.
Oh, man, this cannot get out.
Oh, no.
If it's something damning, it'll ruin your career and then you'll take me down with you.
Maybe I can just talk to her or pay her off or something.
Oh, fine, do that.
Now I have to find another reason to get hammered tonight.
Oh, look at that.
I need you guys to watch this tape and give me your opinion of how bad I look.
- What is it? - It's a sex tape.
- No.
- Come on.
Okay, well, come on, obviously I'm not gonna show you the actual sex.
I'm a very private person.
Oh, yeah? Show of hands.
How many of us have walked in on Joey having sex? Well, maybe you could knock once in a while.
Yeah, there's no door on the roof of my car.
Just watch the tape.
Good Lord.
How'd you make that look happen? Did you just go into a barbershop and say, "Give me the Pat Benatar"? I thought we'd rehearse the whole scene, then replay it to see where we need work.
- Awesome.
- So how do I look? Wicked awesome.
I just hope I can do this scene justice.
I mean, this is probably the greatest monologue of all time.
Oh, yeah.
Jules you know, honey, this isn't real.
It's St.
Elmo's fire.
Sailors would guide entire journeys by it.
But the joke was on them.
There was no fire.
Joey, it's like you're channeling Rob Lowe.
Wait, wait.
Maybe this isn't right.
I mean, we're just dating.
This is serious.
I am serious.
I love you.
You told her you loved her just to get her into bed? No, I actually meant that.
I did not, however, mean the next thing I said.
I was planning to save myself for the man I marry.
I wanna marry you.
- Oh, hell, no.
- You did not.
Come on.
I didn't do it.
He did.
Oh, Joey.
- This is awesome.
Say I'm awesome.
- You're awesome.
Okay, right here is where she edited out about 30 minutes of sex stuff.
According to the time code, it was more like two minutes.
Yeah, well, I think your math is wrong.
What are you thinking about right now? Mrs.
Celeste Tribbiani.
We just had sex and you're thinking about my aunt? No, silly.
I'm talking about us getting married.
Oh, right, we're getting married.
I'm gonna call my mom at work right now and tell her to book the VFW hall.
I love you, fiancé.
The fire escape.
You did go back and tell her the wedding was off, right? No, I tried to call, but she was on the phone for hours, telling her whole family.
They even picked a date.
August 23rd.
There was no wedding but I remember the date because that was the day her brothers blew up my car.
So you never spoke to her? No, I feel terrible and if you listen real close, you can hear her calling her family.
Cousin Marie, I'm getting married.
What Marie did not know at this time was that in two weeks she would come to my house to give me a piece of her mind.
I would tell her I loved her and we would do it.
- Hey, you ready for lunch? - Oh, yeah, in a minute.
Let me ask you something.
A 40th birthday is really important, right? Oh, my God, Gina, you're turning 40? You look great.
We're talking about Bobbie.
Tomorrow's her birthday.
- I don't think she has anything planned.
- Oh, you need to talk to her.
Milestone birthdays are very important.
Oh, hey, Gina.
Oh, who's your little gentleman friend? No, actually, we've met.
I did some legal work for you.
Jim Thompson, you old dog.
Listen, Bobbie, I know tomorrow's your birthday.
- You want me to plan something? - That's very sweet, but I'm all set.
Every year on my birthday I go out to dinner with my dearest friends from college, Rich and Sue Peters.
We're eating at Citrine tomorrow night.
And by the way, I may be writing it off as a business expense.
I hope that's okay with you, Jim.
You should call the restaurant and send a bottle of wine.
Here, here's the number.
She has Dean Cain's home phone.
He was Superman.
He played football for Princeton.
Yeah, I'd like to send over a bottle of wine to be sent to Bobbie Morganstern's table tomorrow night.
She doesn't? Oh, well, how about Peters? No? Okay, thanks.
They don't have a reservation for Bobbie.
She lied.
Oh, that is so sad.
She's embarrassed and doesn't want us to know that she doesn't have anybody to celebrate with.
- Come on.
Bobbie? - I will bet you underneath that thick crust there's a real woman in there, with real emotions.
Hey, who wants to see a picture of a python eating a baby? I'm just so nervous about seeing Celeste again.
I've always known this was gonna come back to haunt me.
- God.
Is it really that big a deal? - Yes.
Okay, look, I've said a lot of things to get sex: I'm dying in a week.
I'm going to war.
Antonio Banderas is a my brother.
But the one thing you never ever do is tell a girl you're gonna marry her.
That crossed a line.
And you know what? This is my chance to make it right.
That's her.
Can you guys give me a little privacy? Yeah.
Hey, long time, no see.
Twenty years.
Yeah, only five more till our silver anniversary.
Let's get to the point.
You did the worst thing any person has ever done to me.
Now that you're this big movie star, I gotta read about what a great guy you are.
And you're a creep.
Joey, I traveled all this way after all these years because I need some closure.
Okay, well, look, I'm glad you did.
Okay, here, come here, sit down.
Celeste, I am really, really sorry about what I did.
No, no, it's not enough for you to just apologize to me.
I want my friends and my family to hear this.
And everyone else back home who thought you were gonna marry me.
You do that, the tape goes away.
I would love to do that, but I can't go to New York right now.
- I got too much work stuff going on.
- Oh, you don't have to go to New York.
You're gonna do it tomorrow on the Ellen show.
But I was gonna tell a funny story about a skating monkey.
His skates are this big and he has a shirt that says, "Go Bananas" Joey, you're going to apologize to me on national television or I will send that tape to Ellen and Oprah and I'm not gonna stop till it's seen by every woman in America.
Every woman in America? Those are the people I like to have sex with.
All right, fine.
If that's what you really want, I'll do it.
But you tell your brothers if they're ever on TV, I want an apology for my car.
That Camaro was awesome.
I shouldn't have come here.
I'm telling you.
- Ellen's gonna flip out when she sees me.
- No, she won't.
And you had to come.
I can't go on a big talk show without my buddy.
You're my entourage.
- Oh, man, thanks.
- Yeah.
I got a gig Saturday, maybe you could be my entourage.
Yeah, I kind of got a thing.
Joey Tribbiani.
Hey, welcome to the show.
- Here she comes.
- Hey.
- Hi, Ellen.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
This is gonna be a lot of fun and that monkey story, that's gonna be fun.
Yeah, I might not get to that one.
The pre-interview says your interests are not reading and food.
Oh, Ellen, this is my friend Zach.
Hey, Zach, hey.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Zach.
Zach? Zach, Zach.
I do that too.
It's so funny to say a word over and over till it's weird.
- Like: Water, water, water.
- Water, water, water.
Man, I just went to the bathroom.
You really don't remember me? From your sitcom.
Zach from the muffin scene.
Wow, yes, the muffin scene.
Of course I do.
I'm sorry.
You were the worst actor we've ever had on the show.
You do remember me.
Yeah, of course I remember you.
I was so mad at you that day.
"How's that muffin?" That's all you had to say.
Thirty-seven takes, you couldn't get it right.
Do it for me now, "How's that muffin?" - Hey, baby, is that muffin? - You can't do it still.
That's incredible.
Try it one more time.
- Lf I was a muffin - Still can't do it, not even close.
- They're ready for you now.
- Oh, okay.
- God.
All right, see you later, Zach.
- Okay.
So horrible.
My next guest has just made the jump to the big screen.
Please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
So, Joey, this has been quite a year for you.
How does it feel? - It feels good.
- Yeah.
Before we get started I'd like to take a minute to apologize to a special woman.
- Really? Is it someone we know? - No, no, just a woman from back home.
All right, well, that's sweet.
You seem like a nice guy.
You also seem like a guy who would have an interesting story about a monkey.
I really I should apologize first.
Okay, well, it's very important to you, go ahead.
Celeste, you are a very special person.
I am so sorry for what I did to you.
Please, forgive me.
Well, now you have to tell us what you did.
Oh, well.
I probably shouldn't get into it here.
Well, I hate to tell you, you already have.
Okay, but it's kind of embarrassing.
You see, this was back in the mid-'80s.
Oh, the '80s.
Paint the picture.
What's the look? What was your hair doing? Mousse was used.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- And there may have been perhaps a hint of a tail.
Oh, a tail.
So anyway, I'm with this girl.
You know, and I'm trying to you know.
Yeah, so, I kind of might have told her that I loved her.
Well, yeah.
And then I also kind of might have said I'd marry her.
So then, you know, we do it because we're getting married.
You know, and then she calls her mom to tell her to book the VF-freaking-W hall, you know and I'm all, "Wait, is there a fire escape?" And there is.
So I tear out of that place wearing nothing but an afghan and some mousse.
Yeah, yeah, with my little tail flapping in the wind.
Hey, Bobbie.
I don't want to put you on the spot but I found out you don't have plans for your birthday.
Sure I do.
I'm having dinner with my friends Rich and Sue Fersheninin.
And where are you having dinner? I told you.
We're going to Fersheninin.
Come on, Bobbie.
Don't lie to me.
All right.
You found me out.
I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with.
It's hard being a successful woman in this town.
Did I piss people off? Did I burn some bridges? Yes.
Did I burn down the set of Just the Ten of Us? Yes.
- Well, you and me can do something fun.
- Oh, thank you.
But I think I just wanna do the same thing that I do every year on my birthday.
I wanna go home.
I wanna get into bed.
- And just wait for it to be morning.
- Bobbie, you can't do that.
Come on.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I just wanna be miserable for the next But for what it's worth, I just wanna say this is probably the nicest thing an employee has ever done for me.
Thank you.
I guess you saw the show.
Look, I did not mean for it to go that way.
It got out of control.
Celeste, I'm so sorry.
Once again, things work out for you.
Here you go.
- Why are you giving me this? - Because the tape doesn't matter.
The story's out.
My most painful memory's been reduced to some lame joke.
Celeste, it was a bunch of big jokes.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, come on, I totally screwed up.
Please just give me one more chance to try to make it up to you.
I don't know how you could.
I cared about you and you used me.
After what you did on that show it's obvious you never gave a damn about me.
Okay, that is not true.
From the moment I first saw you in junior high, I was obsessed.
You expect me to believe that? First period, French.
Second period, Chemistry.
Third period, Study Hall - What is that? - That's your schedule senior year.
I memorized all your classes.
Remember how I always used to bump into you outside of gym? That's because I skipped Math to see you.
Five days a week, 40 weeks a year.
You know how many classes that is? Because I don't.
Okay, look, you can say that I screwed up, but you cannot say I didn't care.
I mean, we were great together.
You were my first real love.
I guess I never knew that.
That's kind of sweet.
My life is good.
Real good.
But I have to admit, you know, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I'd had the guts to stick around that night.
You always knew exactly how to get to me, Tribbiani.
Yeah, well, you always made me want to.
Still? Still.
What do you say you come back up to my room? Relive an old memory.
Oh, well, look, Celeste, I would love to but I think we're in a really good place right now, you know.
I've righted the worst wrong of my life.
And now I think I owe it to you to be a gentleman and let you go.
- Come on.
- Done.
Okay, but just to be clear, I gotta take off right afterwards.
- Yeah, me too.
- Okay.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Bobbie really seemed like she didn't want a party.
I think when she sees the portable karaoke machine, she will.
Welcome to Caligula Wait.
Okay, look, I know this looks bad.
But in all fairness to me I was lying because I didn't want you here.
- Why? - This event is A-list.
It's okay you didn't invite me.
It's rude you didn't invite Joey.
Hey, Bobbie, the chocolate fountain is almost out of choc Hey, guys.
Wow, this is a little awkward, huh? You're not really missing anything.
The most famous person here is Dean Cain.