Joey s02e09 Episode Script

Joey and the Musical

So as you can see, they've started renovating the master bedroom.
- Yeah.
- And I brought some furniture by just to get a sense of your taste.
It is so cool having an interior designer who is also my hot girlfriend do my house.
Oh, really, why? Well, because you are who I want this place to impress, you know? For example, it was great to learn that a fireplace in the master bedroom is sexy but the Lucite statue of two people doing it is not.
All right, so we are going to take this wall down just to open the place up a bit.
If the wall's coming down can I take the first crack at it? - It's your house.
- It is my house.
Now, you're sure that this is the right wall, right? - Definitely.
- Okay, you know.
Where was that antique coffee table you wanted to show me? Hey, can I hang out here for a minute? My ex-husband's at our place, we're dividing up our stuff.
You haven't done that? Yeah, well, we've been fighting over who gets what.
A word to the wise, if you ever get married write your name on your Party of Five DVDs.
Eric really screwed you over.
You must wanna kill him.
Actually, I'm okay.
My therapist taught me this technique.
Write a letter with everything you wish you could say.
You never actually send it.
Just getting stuff down allows you to move past it.
- That really works? - Oh, yeah.
I've written my father, my brother, LeBron James.
Well, win a championship, and then act like that.
Alex, I'm taking off.
Hey, Gina, it's been a long time.
Because Alex and I ended our relationship doesn't mean we have to change - I've always hated you.
- Good, then we'll keep doing that.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
You went grocery shopping? I'm making lunch for Candace and her grandmother.
They're really close.
I need to score some points.
Because for some reason her grandmother does not like me.
- Why? - I guess when women get older they lose hormones and that's a big part of my appeal, so You know, he's really into Candace.
You should write one of those letters to get over Joey.
What are you talking about? I'm already over Joey.
Boy, look at you, Alex, with your glasses and your laptop.
You're like a sexy little secretary.
Wanna come up to my office and take down a memo? Yeah, and then maybe you'll chase me around your desk and my heel will break, and you'll catch me.
New document.
Dear Joey It was so nice of you to invite us over.
- Wasn't it, Grandma? - Oh, yes.
There's nothing like eating Hot Pockets in the common area of an apartment building.
Hot.
Hot.
Hot.
The way you eat.
Reminds me of my first husband, Herman.
God, I hated that man.
You look like him, you act like him.
I bet you like the Civil War too.
I do like the Civil War.
- Hey.
- Hey, Zach.
You know Candace.
And this is Gloria, who you'll be surprised to find out is not Candace's sister.
Why would I think that? She's so much older than her.
Candace, I've got to get going to rehearsal.
Grandma's got the lead in Pirates of Penzance at the Beverly Hills Retirement Center.
Not for long.
The director just quit and if they can't find a replacement, they're going to cancel it.
Poor Grandma.
It's, like, the one thing she looks forward to all year.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, man, we should totally direct that play.
- What? - Do you know how many rich and famous people have parents in the retirement center? If we put on a good show, we could make connections.
- I don't know about directing a musical.
- I do.
I'll do everything.
I happen to have a musical-theater background.
- Where'd you study? - No, I mean, I have an actual background.
The Godspell people didn't want it anymore, so I took it.
It's in my shed.
Ready to go to lunch? Yeah, I'm just finishing this letter to Joey.
It feels so good to finally get this off my chest.
"Dear Dimples"? That's what I would call him if we had nicknames for each other.
He would call me Button.
- It's kind of cute if you think about it.
- How much do you think about it? - Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- None of your business.
- None of my business? That means it's about Joey.
I know you're into him.
Come on, can I read it? No.
It's very personal.
Besides, you cannot keep a secret.
Telling the nurse you gave me vodka to sleep was not betraying a confidence.
I was starting to need it.
I'm sorry, Michael, but if Joey ever saw this, I would die.
- What? I just wanna read the first part.
- No, my God, there, it's deleted forever.
- God, come on, let's get lunch.
- God, you're such a pain in the ass.
Well, it's deleted forever.
Oh, how could I ever drag something out of the trash? What did LeBron James ever do to her? Oh, my God.
It looks like the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.
- You guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Thank you so much for doing this.
Everyone, our new directors are here.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Joey and this is Zach.
We're looking forward to a really great time.
I'd like to give a shoutout to a very special lady up there.
Hey, Gloria.
Now, don't ruin this by being a suck-up like Herman.
Got it, gorgeous.
Great blouse.
Okay, everyone.
Just to get a sense of where we're at why don't we start with "A Modern Major-General.
" Okay, music, please.
All right, okay.
That was really good, everyone.
If you want your families to think you've gone senile.
Excuse me.
What is this? This is my insulin.
I have diabetes.
- And do you need it at all times? - Yes.
Then get off my stage! - What are those? - Blood thinners.
I will not have my actors taking drugs.
That is how we lost Belushi! Zach, Zach.
- Will you calm down? - Did you see their blocking? Did you hear them sing? They're awful.
These are nice, old people.
They probably have, like, six months to live.
Oh, no, no, not you.
You look great.
Yeah, you're all right.
"Oh, Dimples, I miss the way it feels when you hold me.
" - What are you reading? - No, you can't.
It's very personal.
"Touch me like no other man has ever touched me before.
" I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I owe your mom 50 bucks.
All right, look, I didn't write it.
Now, I mean it, give it back.
- I mean it, Joey.
- No, no, no.
Don't read it, I'm telling you, don't read it, I'm asking you, just come on - Please tell me - It's a candy bar.
Okay, good.
"I so badly wanna tell you that I still have feelings for you.
But I know you've moved on, I probably should too.
" Who could this be about? She hasn't been with anyone since her husband, Eric, except for Oh, my God.
It is Eric.
Yes, yes, it's Eric.
Of course it's Eric.
Dimples is Eric.
- Does he even have dimples? - Does he have dimples? Yeah, of course he You could get lost in them, and you'd never wanna be found! - What are you doing? - I don't know! Here.
Hey, Zach.
Again? One of my pirates wandered off.
Yeah, yeah, you check the high school and I'll check the mall.
All right, yeah, bye.
Congratulations.
This has a chance to be the finest musical I've ever directed.
And I have directed the Beth-El Temple's production of Shalom Shalom Birdie.
Listen, thanks so much for doing all this, man.
Candace is loving me.
No problem, buddy.
I got you covered.
Hey, Joey.
Hey, Bobbie, what are you doing here? Well, my mother's a resident here and she just happens to be in your production.
She needs a song.
I don't know, all the parts have been cast.
Don't give me that crap.
Make it happen.
Roberta! Is he gonna give me a song or not? I don't know yet.
Speak clearly, you tree.
I'll see what I can do.
Don't look at me like that, Mother.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Look at her, Joey.
Grandma is so happy.
You're such a great guy.
Damn, Gloria.
What key are you singing in? M? I'm sorry, I didn't have much time to rehearse.
Why? Because you're so busy with your job? - Hey, I'm just - That's it, Gloria, get off my stage.
- What? - What? I'm sorry, it's better you learn this early.
You don't have the chops.
- From the top, people.
- Zach, Zach.
What the hell are you doing? You can't fire my girlfriend's grandmother, she's the reason we're doing this.
Sorry, she has a bad attitude.
She doesn't understand the choreography.
She's 75.
Okay, maybe she doesn't understand it when you tell her to Beyoncé it up.
I mean, look at Letty, she's a much better lead.
She's a better singer, she's a better dancer.
Plus, she exudes that raw sexuality that makes me wish she was 20 years younger.
And that I was 20 years older.
And that she was into younger men.
Zach, Zach, Zach, look, I appreciate your commitment to this production, okay? But Gloria is still the lead in this play.
Not in a play that I'm directing.
- I guess you're not directing.
- Then I guess I'm leaving.
I guess I'm not giving you a ride home.
Then I hope the 147 bus goes down Wilshire.
I believe it does.
- Hey.
- Hey, I hope you don't mind that I'm here.
Eric's back.
He's just picking up the last of his stuff.
And as soon as he leaves, he'll be out of my life forever.
Okay, look, Alex, if you're saying that he's gonna be gone forever then we need to talk.
I read your letter.
- "Dear Dimples " - Oh, my God! What? You read that? I'm so embarrassed.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Although, I gotta say, I think you can do much better.
- Joey, don't say that.
- I'm saying it.
And another thing is, I'm not so sure Dimples is straight.
- Really? - Yeah, but you know what? - Who cares what I think? - Well, I do.
I mean, how did you feel when you read the letter? I don't know.
I kind of laughed, it turned me on a little.
Okay.
Well, what am I supposed to do with all of this? Okay.
Look, I'll tell you what you're supposed to do, Alex.
If you want someone, then you have got to make a move, okay.
And I mean now.
- Now? - Right now.
Right now.
Do it.
- Do it.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Do it, do it, do it, Alex.
Do it, come on, go get him.
Go get Eric.
I'm sorry, how's that? Eric.
Dimples.
Right.
Dimples.
Eric is Dimples.
Yeah, Alex, I cracked your code.
There he is.
Go get him.
- Go get him.
- No, you know what? I wish I could talk to him, Joey, but I'm too weak.
Goodbye, Eric, we'll always have just whatever.
Hey, wait.
Look, okay, this may not be my place, but I need talk to you, Dimples.
Okay, what's going on, Sunshine? All right, everybody.
Zach is no longer with us due to creative differences.
While we are all very sorry to see him leave, it's still gonna be a great production.
Any questions? You're not Zach.
Okay.
All right, you know what? Let's start with the final scene.
Okay, places, everyone.
Zach was not wrong.
There's something about that Letty.
Okay, music.
No, no, no.
Walter, when you meet Gloria, okay, over here you need to walk to the middle, okay.
And do it with more feeling, all right? Be a little more and a little less okay.
And, Gloria, you need to be closer to Walter so that he can get his arms around you.
Just like Herman, always trying to cop a feel.
Sorry, it's really hard to control myself.
Okay, you know what, moving on.
All right, let's go from the end of this scene where everyone sings together.
Okay.
All right, now, you guys, what I want you to do is one of those One of those crissy-crossy things, okay? And, you guys, I want you to do one of those jumpy-spinny things.
All right, got it? Okay, here we go.
- But we don't know what we're doing.
- You're the worst director ever.
- You're not Zach.
- You stink.
- Why doesn't my son call me? - L What? How should I know? Let's get him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
No.
No.
Oh, it can't be done.
Hey.
Hey.
- So how'd rehearsal go today? - Great.
Yeah, it couldn't have gone better.
Joey, I know you're lying.
Look, I'm sorry I lost my cool back there.
It's just when it comes to my job, I'm a perfectionist.
It's okay, Zach, you care a lot.
Yeah, they have so much potential.
Take Walter.
If I could work with him one-on-one, by the time he's 120, he'd be a star.
- So can I come back? - You better come back.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- No problem, I'll take care of everything.
Great.
Hey, can you teach me the choreography to "Modern Major-General"? - I'm using these guys to try to figure it out.
- This is Walter.
And this is Letty.
- That's no Letty.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
- Hey.
- Hey, Alex Listen, I was thinking about this letter thing, and I appreciate your interest but I'd really rather just let it go.
No problem.
I completely understand.
- Okay.
- Okay? Hey, you wanna come over and watch some TV? Yeah, that would be great.
- Great.
- Okay, what? - Oh, my God.
- Yes, Alex, it's me.
Don't pinch yourself, this is real.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You two probably wanna be alone.
Maybe time for a little: Eric, this is a little awkward.
Joey told me about the letter.
Your Italian stallion is here.
Get out of here, you jerk! Dude, you didn't do the couch pose right! Give me Wonderful, wonderful.
That was great.
Gilbert and Sullivan would be proud of you.
Especially those of you they knew personally.
Where's Walter? Walter should be out there.
I can't go on.
My hip gave out again.
Hey, Mother knows the part of Frederic.
I don't do drag, that's such a cheap laugh.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? This is Grandma's big duet.
She's gonna be devastated.
Oh, Herman.
Well, Grandma seems happy, so you're welcome.
What? Just seeing you up there kissing her.
It was like you were Grandpa Herman.
It's upsetting.
I can't see you anymore.
- Nice mustache.
- Thanks, Letty, you look nice too.
Just like Herman.