Joey s02e10 Episode Script

Joey and the Bachelor Thanksgiving

Alex, as of today, I am officially a homeowner.
And I wanted you to be with me the first time I went into the house.
Joey, are you starting to worry when you move here, we're gonna drift apart? Yeah, and also there's a scary bug in the pool.
- After you, milady.
- No, no, no.
This is a huge moment for you.
This is your house.
You should be the first one in there.
You, or all of these people.
- Hey.
- What the hell are you doing here? Getting ready for Thanksgiving.
Well, how did you even get in here? Wasn't the alarm on? That went off.
Security guy showed up.
Little cleavage, bottle of schnapps, and There he is bringing chairs in for me.
- I wanted to be in charge of Thanksgiving.
- Don't even start.
Everyone knows Thanksgiving is my holiday.
So you just take over my house, and turn the place upside-down? Is there anyone I know in L.
A.
Who isn't here? Okay, nobody panic, but I was just in the pool.
Is there something on my back? Michael, why didn't you warn me your mother was doing this? Because she took me by surprise.
She forced me to help.
She's gonna ruin Thanksgiving, just like she did last year.
I don't know why she makes such a big deal out of this.
Thanksgiving is supposed to be about having fun and eating and napping.
You know, it's the Joey-est of days.
What is the problem? We'll all be together.
It'll be fun.
Obviously you do not know what the Gina Tribbiani Thanksgiving is.
You know how Mom is not the most sentimental person? I learned that when I gave her a homemade birthday card.
She mimed wiping her butt with it.
Well, Thanksgiving is the one day a year where Gina turns into a sappy, emotional ball of mush.
Yeah, all you wanna do is eat.
Yeah, but you never get to.
No snacks, nothing.
Then you got to sit through all the speeches about what we are thankful for and the importance of family.
And the Italian-American immigrant experience.
Which she knows nothing about.
So get ready for an hour of slides about some place called "Ennis Island.
" - Hi.
- Hey.
Thanksgiving is really coming together.
I've revised my play about the Tribbiani family journey "From the Boot of Italy to the Torch of Lady Liberty.
" It's called "The Crossing of the Tribbiani Family From The Boot of Italy to Lady Liberty.
" I am not doing another one of her stupid plays.
Last year I had to play a randy immigration clerk who traded visas for favors.
You think I liked being the desperate Italian widow? If it bothers you so much the way she does Thanksgiving, you should tell her.
I don't know.
I hate hurting feelings around the holidays.
It's easier to just tell them what they wanna hear.
- Joey, are we still on for Thanksgiving? - You know it, buddy.
Joey's bringing the turkey.
This is the best Thanksgiving ever.
Hey, what's up? Bought you a housewarming present.
Oh, wow, an orange tree.
Oh, I get it.
It's a symbol of our friendship: Young, but it'll grow strong and bear fruit.
Well, I just thought it'd save you money on juice, but okay.
- Hey, I'll even plant it for you.
- Oh, thanks.
Hi, Dean Jordan, I live next door.
Joey Tribbiani.
I just bought this place.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
You wouldn't have any of my mail, would you? The mailman always drops my magazines here by mistake.
Oh, this stuff must be yours.
So funny, we get all the same magazines.
Maxim, FHM, Playboy, British Playboy.
Used to get German Playboy too, but it started to get weird.
Yeah, that stuff is not sexy.
- So, is this your dirt bike magazine too? - Yeah, I got a little track out back.
Really? Wow, I love dirt bikes.
You should come by sometime.
I ride with guys I've known forever.
Unfortunately, my group got a little smaller recently.
- We lost our friend Timothy this year.
- Oh, what happened? One day we're at this rave in Ibiza, and then we get a call in the middle of the night that he got engaged.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Look what I found buried in your yard.
- What is that? That's a piece of Indian pottery.
I found a whole bunch of that stuff buried on my property.
Hundreds of years ago, there was an entire civilization right under our feet.
That's kind of interesting.
I also found this old Coke can.
Oh my God, they haven't looked like that in years.
Anything you find like this, you got to hide it.
This American Indian group found out I had artifacts on my property they delayed my construction for a year.
This stuff is priceless.
- Hey, even the stripe is different.
- I know, and the writing's smaller too.
This is cool.
- Hey.
- Hey, where you been? Been hanging out with Dean.
He is great.
He's got a parrot with a dirtier mouth than Gina.
You've been spending a lot of time with that Dean guy.
I really look up to him.
The guy's awesome.
He's 50 and he's still single and hanging out with his buddies.
So, instead of a wife and a family he's running around partying like a kid? That sounds lame.
Lame? I'm part owner of one of the original Batmobiles.
Dean, my friend, Alex.
- Hi.
- Hello, Alex.
Look at those eyes.
They're a beautiful shade of azure.
Azure is a color Dean knows.
Hey, listen, buddy, me and my friends do this kind of bachelor Thanksgiving thing.
It's really just a big party.
There's a bunch of single girls, tons of food.
You want in? God, I would love to, but my sister put a work into Thanksgiving, and I would feel too guilty.
I don't know the meaning of the word "guilt.
" But you know "azure"? I can't believe we keep finding stuff.
My garage is almost full.
There can't be anything else out there.
We've basically torn up the whole yard.
And I'm as tired as the wolf god after a night of pulling the moon across the sky.
I've been looking at this pottery too long.
- Mr.
Tribbiani? - Yeah.
Ray Wyatt from the Native American Historical Society.
Oh, great, Gina's bringing in a guest speaker for tomorrow? No, I'm here because of your construction.
To make sure you haven't found artifacts.
- May I come in? - Of course, yes, come in.
- You found anything out of the ordinary? - No, not a thing.
How about you, sir, have you found anything? Well, first of all, I'm Zach.
All right.
And, no, I haven't found anything either.
Well, that's really surprising.
Over the years, all of your neighbors have had major finds on their property.
As you can see, we've torn up the yard and we haven't found anything.
My card, and if you find anything we really do appreciate your cooperation.
- Okay.
Hey, Joe, you owe me big time, man.
I took all those old Indian plates and bowls from the garage and I donated them to this church charity drive, so Oh, hi, I'm Michael.
Did Mom get a guest speaker? All right, I'll get them all back, I promise.
Hey, and as a show of good faith, I do have one bowl.
See, Ray, that's why the cowboys used Tupperware.
Oh, man, look at all those people over at Dean's having a good time.
How great would it be to be over there right now? - We've got to rehearse our scene, okay? - Fine.
Oh, please, Mr.
Immigration Clerk, what can I do to get into your country? I don't care if you and your children starve.
Four less Italians to besmirch me shores.
- Boy, the Irish do not come off well in this.
- No.
Good news, I found the Thanksgiving sweaters you guys wore last year.
Gina, these are so itchy.
- You know what our ancestors itched for? - Freedom.
- Michael, go help Alex set the table.
- Yeah.
This isn't how I want to spend this day.
I wanna have fun.
- Today is to be there for other people.
- I am always there for other people.
Joe, Howard's on the phone.
What time you gonna show up at his parents' house? Oh, tell him I'm stuck in traffic.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
Joey, why can't you just embrace my Thanksgiving? Today is a day to connect with your roots celebrate our traditions to reflect on the things we have and where we came from.
Hey, I made a lot of preparations for today.
- You owe me this.
- No, don't guilt me.
Oh, you feel guilty because you know I'm right.
Now put on your sweater.
Wanna get the extra table.
It's kind of heavy.
You just keep folding those napkins, sweetheart.
Joey? Joey? Michael, where the hell is Joey? Oh, sweet freedom.
Hey, Dean.
Awesome party, man.
Thanks, man.
I'm really glad you showed up.
Hey, it's my Thanksgiving, I'm gonna do what I want.
Dean-o, pally, you have outdone yourself this year.
Hey, Joey, I want you to meet my friend, George Hamilton.
Joey? Joey Tribbiani? I'm a huge fan of yours.
Really? Wow, that means a lot to me coming from an actor like you.
Well, I've never seen you act before, but I'm a fan of your sexual reputation.
You know, the word around town is that you're a young, very pale version of me.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Boy, you guys really got a good thing going here.
You know, guys like us, we need to stick together.
You stray too far from the pack, you're, you know, you're easy prey.
It happened to my friend Warren Beatty.
Annette Bening picked him off like a sick, old gazelle.
She's a hot one.
Now, this is my kind a Thanksgiving, huh? No speeches, no stupid sweaters, no slides.
Oh, there's a slide.
It goes right into the pool.
Careful, though It's full of hot girls with low self-esteem.
Hey, are we close enough yet for a man-hug? - No.
- I don't care.
I'm coming in.
- Oh, excuse me one second.
- Yeah.
- Hello? - The church gave your Indian stuff away.
- Oh, no.
- But I got the address they gave it to.
- Can you come here now? - All right, I'll be there as soon as I can.
Hey, Dean, I've got to take care of a thing.
I'll be back in like a half an hour.
Hurry back.
The turkey's almost ready, and the Laker Girls are on their way.
I'm coming in again.
I tried Joey's cell phone, but no answer.
Should we wait for him? - No, we're starting.
- Good.
We've a lot of ground to cover.
Now let's begin by saying what we're thankful for.
I'm thankful that I have only one brother to disrespect this celebration and our ancestors' arrival to Ennis Island.
I am thankful that I skipped breakfast this morning so that I have a lot of room for the delicious food that smells ready.
There will be no eating until we are done giving thanks.
I have a candy bar taped to the bottom of the table.
Looking for this? Hi, we're from the church, I understand you picked up a care package from us? Oh, yes.
Please come in.
- Thank you.
- Tyler, these are the men from the church where we got all these wonderful blessings.
Oh, no, you can't eat off the plates, they're too fragile.
But they're so beautiful.
Look at this giant serving plate, it's my favorite.
Here she comes.
Careful, Dad, I just waxed the floor.
This is a heavy one.
Okay, let me help you there, Grandpa! - Look, there's been a misunderstanding.
- Hey, you're that famous actor.
That's right, you are! - What are you doing in our house? - I never meant to give these plates away and I really, really need them back.
I got you these brand new dishes instead.
But we don't want new dishes.
We want these dishes.
They're family heirlooms.
You had them for four hours.
You're a rich, successful actor.
What reason could you have to wanna take away our holiday dishes? Is this one of those shows where a famous person comes into a poor family's house and makes all of their dreams come true? Little man, that is exactly what this is.
Yes, you're all on Celebrity Dreammakers, Thanksgiving Edition! And Joey's here to take all your old stuff and replace it with brand new stuff! Congratulations! - And I'm gonna write you a check.
- Yes, yes, a huge check! Where are the TV cameras? It's a hidden camera, ma'am.
Yeah, here inside the button on my coat.
Thanks Celebrity Dreammakers, Thanksgiving Edition! For Dreammakers, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Happy Thanksgiving! Okay, before we start the slide show, Alex, in the spirit of Thanksgiving would you like to apologize for the way your people treated my people? I'm Dutch, what is she talking about? Okay, where's that remote? Oh, I think it's in the kitchen.
I'll get it.
Gina, I'm so hungry, could I just have one little biscuit? I won't tell Michael, I promise.
No.
I could be at my sister's, with her husband accidentally walking in on me in the bathroom.
Gee, I never thought I'd miss that.
Michael, where's that remote? Michael.
Oh my God! I would expect this of Joey, but Michael? He is doing both of the things I asked him never to do.
Lie to his mother and dance in public.
Where are they? - Oh, there they are.
- Yeah, I'll go look for them by the food.
So If I told you I had a beautiful body would you let me hold it against? I messed it up again, didn't I? Look at you two.
How could you do this? - Today was important.
- Why is today so important? Because, Michael and I have been alone out here for a long time spending the holidays without any other family.
But now you're here, and it was just a chance to have something more.
Gina, come on, you're making too much out of this.
No, it's important to me, and it should be important to you.
Otherwise your life is empty, and in 20 years you're that guy, or that guy, or that guy.
Sorry, but the part of "me" is already cast.
Wow, he looks great.
You know, Joey, do whatever you want.
Michael, come on.
- Alex.
- Why? Please, my boy he wants to make the nice life, in America.
- To hell with you all, you spaghetti-eating - Oh, stop.
My Thanksgiving has already been ruined.
Can you do it with the accent, please? Michael, take it from the top.
And this time with the shawl.
Please my boy he wants to make the nice life, in America.
To hell with you all, you spaghetti-eating pack of low-life scum.
You've dirtied Europe, I'm not about to let you dirty America with your olive oil and your pickpocketing ways.
This is really offensive.
What are you doing here? I said I was gonna do what I want, and well, this is what I wanna do.
Why? Because it's important to your mother, and And that means it's important to me.
Gina, I'm not gonna turn into one of those guys over there.
I got you to break my balls.
Yes, you do.
Bet you already stuffed yourself over there.
Yes, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Let's eat.
Joey, Joey, here's the deal.
You were on your way to Howie's parents' your truck got hit by a train.
You walked all the way back here and you didn't have access to a phone.
- What? I ran into Zach, he told me everything.
Thank God you're alive! This sweater is awesome! Gina, that meal was unbelievable.
And those individual-sized pecan pies, what a touch.
Those weren't individual-sized.
Okay, non-Tribbianis other than today, best Thanksgiving ever? Go.
- This one.
- You're out.
- Alex? - It was 1998 the last time my whole family was together.
I'll never forget it because my mother called my gorgeous sister chubby.
Zach? Mine was when I was 11.
My father was in the military.
He flew all the way from Germany to surprise us.
When he walked through that door the look on my mother's face Okay, see, this is why I don't tell you guys stuff.
I guess that's everyone.
Not quite.
The year was 1967, and the Summer of Love had just ended.
But for me and Angie Dickinson the autumn of love had just begun.
Brandy anyone?