Johnny Bravo (1997) s01e04 Episode Script

1
1, 2, 3, hyah!
Baby!
Sassy.
Studly.
Ooh!
Check the pecs. Hee ha huh!
Man, I'm pretty.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
OohAah.
Yeah, whatever.
Johnny, voice-over:
It was a day like any other day.
I was standing on the corner
of third and main
waiting for Gabrielle,
my date for the afternoon.
[Sniffs]
Oh, yeah.
Voice-over: It was a day
just like any other day,
except for one thing:
I was sharing the street corner
with a clown.
AhThank you.
Well, there's another
show in an hour.
Psst! Hey, buddy!
You want to hear
a joke?
[Clown laughing]
Well, you see,
there was
this elephant
Dag-nab it!
Slippery lemon.
Don't grow them
like they used to.
[Vroom]
[Tires squealing]
I thought I told you
to get out of town!
This is my turf,
old man.
Turf? I'll give you
turf, you helot!
OohMaking
threats, huh?
I think it's time
you retired.
Look, Sonny,
I'm just trying
to make a few
dollars, ok?
UhDo you have
a quarter?
YeahAbout 10,000
of them.
They're in a little
something I like
to callA bank!
Watch it, kid.
I used to be funny.
Yeah
In the stone age.
I bet I could
make you laugh,
you green-haired,
rosy-cheeked
pipsqueak!
Not a chance.
But, you know,
I bet I could make
you laugh so hard
that it would short-circuit
your pacemaker.
I bet I could
make you laugh.
Excuse me, are you guys
a couple of clowns?
No. We're
fashion models.
IHateClowns!
I challenge you
to a joke-a-thon.
First clown to make
the other laughWins.
We'll need a victim.
Both: We can use him.
Johnny: Yeah
You're steamin',
baby.
You, too
And you
And you, pretty man.
Oh, manTime flies
when you're having fun.
I got to get back
and wait for my date.
Ooh!
[Crash]
See? A banana peel.
It's a great gag.
Banana peels are passe.
In the 20th century,
we use the domino principle.
Hey, what are you trying--whoa!
Ooh!
[Whimpers]
See? Multiple gags.
That's funny.
Too busy.
Hey, maybe a different pose
will make me
even more irresistible
than I already am.
Hyah!
Watch this.
[Whistling]
Ooh!
[Snickering]
What's the idea?
You were wearing
this sign--
"kick me." Ha ha!
All right, then.
[Whistling]
Ooh!
[Laughing]
Hey!
You're still wearing
the sign. Ha ha ha!
Aw, come on, now.
That's comedy.
"Kick me" signs?
Here, watch this.
See? "I hate rhinos."
BuddyYou got
a problem with rhinos?
I mean, what are you--
some kind of rhinophobe?
I, uhI really,
umNotI
I don't know.
Well, I do.
Ooh! Aah! Aah!
Jerk!
Did you see
the insulted rhino?
Now, you have to admit
that was funny.
[Moaning]
There's no funny
in that.
NowObserve.
Oomph!
Ooh!
One whole pie.
Impressive.
By the way,
I'm being sarcastic.
Watch this.
[Cocks gun]
[Electronic beeping]
How do I do
my funny?
Volume, volume,
volume.
Oh!
Unh!
Huh!
Sorry, mister,
but I can't afford
to muss my hair.
Hey, no problem.
Ow!
Ha ha ha!
Face it, blond boy.
There's no escaping
the power of my funny.
Back there.
Thanks, pal.
Oh! Ohh!
Heh, hah, huh!
Oh! Aw, man
I'm gonna be late.
Hyah!
Johnny bravo,
you're late.
I may be late,
honey--huh!--
but I look good.
I'm funny.
No, I'm funny.
Don't tell me
that jazz.
I'm funny.
Don't tell me that jazz.
I'm funny!
Why, you're nothing
but an egocentric,
selfish, idiotic
Ooh!
Hyah! Oh, yeah
I have this effect
on all women.
No, I'm funny!
OohI just love
a man that can
make me laugh.
You're both
so hysterical!
Both: We are?
And you're both
covered in pie.
I just love a man
covered in pie.
In fact, why don't
you both take me out
for pie!
[Kissing]
Ok. Ok.
But
What about me?
Our plans
Our date!
Clowns!
They just had
to be clowns.
LookI'm a pie-covered
man in a box.
Hyah!
Ow.
Oh, yeah
I feel better
already.
Aah!
Yeah, whatever.
[Sizzling]
Huh! Hah!
Hi, Johnny.
Don't distract me,
kid.
I don't want any
of these ultraviolet
rays to miss me.
WellI was just
wondering if you'd be
my chaperone
for the second grade
dance on Friday.
Sorry, little Suzy.
Friday is my night
for cruisin'.
I thought Wednesday was
your night for cruising.
Yeah. That, too.
OohHuh!
Get lost, girlie.
I got to go
sun my pecs.
Oh
Pleeease, Johnny?
No!
Hey there, little lady.
Can I have
a double-fudge whip
banana split
with a little bit of
your lovin' to keep it
nice and cool?
As if.
How about if you just
give me the lovin'?
Unh!
OrMaybe just
the banana split.
Aw, she wasn't
your type, anyway.
Ok, now I've had
about all I can stand.
What'll it take
to get you to
leave me alone?
Be my chaperone
for the dance.
Man, oh, man
Why don't you ask
somebody your own size?
[Blowing nose]
I'm your size.
I'm your age.
I'm your guy!
OohGross!
Now, listen here,
skippy.
How'd you like to be
cool enough to take
Suzy to the dance?
Wow! Yes, sir,
I would!
I would, indeed!
I can teach you,
but you got to want it.
Do you want it?!
Yes, sir!
Pipe down.
I'm standing right here.
Son
This is hair gel.
Treat it with respect,
and it'll be good to you.
Treat it with carelessness,
and it'll strike back!
How?
Don't ask questions,
kid.
Ok, skippy-San
I'm gonna teach you
the old and sacred art
of the squirt slide
stance.
The what, sir?
Squirt--huh!
Slide--ho!
Stance--huh!
Now you try it, kid.
Um
Squirt--aah!
Slide--aah!
Stance--ooh!
YeahAll right!
UmWe'll build
on that.
All right, kid
Chicks love a buff bod,
so here's what
you got to do.
Ooh
Ooh
Hoo! Hyah!
Ok, kid
Now let me see you
do 3 of those.
[Grunting]
Aah! Aah!
OkLet's work
on something else,
all right?
Johnny: Hey, you're
looking sharp, kid.
I think we're
making progress.
NowWe're gonna work
on cool body language.
Do this--
hah! Huh! Hah!
Huh! Huh! Hah!
Aaah! Ooh!
Oh, wish on
the bald man,
honey!
I want a pony.
[Gasps]
Yay!
I want
a husband!
Ohh
Hmm. Whatever.
Now what, sir?
Now we mold your
lame little brain
into a bravo brain.
[Laughing]
That tickles.
Ok, kid
There's the prey.
Make me proud.
Mind if I court you?
"Court you"?
What's the matter
with you, kid?
You sound like
you're trying
to pick up
the little rascals
or something.
I like
the little rascals!
I bet you do, spanky.
Now watch closely, kid.
I am gonna show you
the bravo way
to bag a babe.
Take notes if you want.
Hey there, cutie-pants.
You want to hang
with a manly man?
I'll let you feel
my muscles. Huh!
Only a dime a minute.
Now, that's a bargain.
Why, yes, it is.
And you're a pig.
Ohh
Huh! Ooh! Aah
[Chain saw buzzing]
Hoo!
Whoa!
Duh!
Golly! That looks
like it hurts, sir.
Yes, indeed!
Yeah, well
That's life, kid.
See, you got to take
the impacts of
the fallen trees
with the good.
All right, kid
See what that
bikini's wearing?
Hello! Now go for it.
B-b-but
I can't, sir.
I just don't have
what it takes!
Man, what could
I have missed?
You should be
a chick-nettin'
machine by now.
I don't under--
wait a minute.
Of course!
Put these on, kid.
Skippy: Wow!
Holy mamas!
Look at all the babies
just waitin' to be bagged!
I think
we are ready,
little Freddy!
[Slurping soda]
All righty, kid,
there's little Suzy.
Now, remember what
you been taught.
Hah! Hey there,
little mama.
Want to go steppin'
with me at the dance
tonight?
Johnny, what
happened to you?
You've gotten
shorter.
I'm not shorter,
I'm just really far away.
Well, who cares?
Sure, I'll go to
the dance with you.
Oh, my gosh!
I have to pick out
something to wear.
[Humming happily]
Way to go, kid!
Handled like
a true bravo trainee.
Aw, that wasn't
so tough.
I just
Hubba-hubba!
[Snaps fingers]
Now, wait a second!
Oh, Johnny,
we're gonna have
the best time!
Mmm!
OhMama.
[Whip cracking]
Man: Remember, kids
When taming a lion,
always make sure you never
turn your back on them.
That's right, kids,
because--hoo!
[Chomp]
[Burps]
[Crowd cheering]
Johnny: And, uh
That's one to grow on.
[Echoing]
Hey
Echo!
Narrator: 'Twas the night
before Christmas,
and all through Aron city
not a creature was stirring
Except Johnny.
Man, I'm pretty.
[Rumbling]
Narrator: Mama was sleeping.
You can tell by the snoring.
After 4 times today,
Jimmy Stewart gets boring.
[Snoring]
[Snoring ceases]
[Quieter snoring
resumes]
Narrator: Johnny crept quietly--
to bed's where he rushed.
He would try to fall asleep now,
while the whole town was hushed.
[Hoofbeats on roof]
What's that?!
Narrator:
Johnny cried.
That's too loud
for a mouse. Hyah! Hah!
Hyah!
I was right--
there's a crook
on my house!
Narrator:
A bag to steal goodies,
a fake beardHow passe.
And just look, near the gutter--
it's his getaway sleigh!
And without second thought
and with nary a pause,
Johnny bravo
mistakenly clocked
Santa claus.
Uh-oh.
Narrator:
Santa knew John was good,
though as smart as a gnat.
He was protecting his mama.
Santa couldn't fault that.
Johnny, I'm angry--
of that,
there's no doubt.
It's Christmas Eve,
pinhead, and
Santa's now out.
See, Johnny?
My arm's broke.
My bag
I can't lift.
It's now up to you
to give each kid
a gift.
MeDoing your job?
How much does it pay?
Do I get to meet chicks?
Can I cruise in the sleigh?
It's something
you'll do for all
good kids in bed.
Now get in my outfit,
or I'll bust
your fat head!
Narrator: Santa's red coat
is what Johnny would wear
And Santa's red hat
took the shape of John's hair.
So Johnny jumped on the sleigh
and flew through the night,
but he never got any
of the reindeers' names right.
Johnny: On, yeltsin!
On, Nixon!
On, stinky!
On, rose! On--
hey, where's that freak
with the big glowin' nose?
You heard the grinch--
do not let that
reindeer escape!
[Plugged nose]
I got to get to Santa!
[Laserfire]
Narrator: So Johnny endeavored
at Santa's request
To give each good one listed
the gift they loved best.
Narrator:
To the mayor of Aron city,
a new pair of shorts
So he's wearing clean undies
when he romps and cavorts.
You promised me
no more cavorting!
Ooh!
Narrator:
Little Suzy fell asleep
waiting for old St. Nick.
Johnny spied out the cookies
and ate them quite quick.
[Glass shatters]
Narrator:
And he had to admit
as he saw Suzy napping
Hey, that kid's
kind of cuteWhen her
mouth isn't flapping.
[Sleigh bells ringing]
Narrator: Jungle boy
got a new loin cloth,
the gorilla girls
Mary klay.
[Girls giggling]
Narrator: And a big lump of coal
for the evil king ray.
Sorry, magilla--
just following
orders.
[Ticking]
[Snoring]
Narrator: For chronos the bear,
who's precise in his timing,
a clock so specific
even he won't be whining.
[Snoring continues]
[Alarm bell ringing]
[Roar]
Narrator: And Scooby-dooby-doo
didn't get Scooby snacks.
Santa's gift was more useful.
Scooby: Reech rerapy?
Thanks!
Scooby-doo!
Narrator:
Johnny circled the globe
in the span of one evening
Trying to match rightly
the gifts he was leaving.
From Asia
To England,
Guatemala
To dunkirk.
How does Santa
stay fat, man?
This gig is
hard work!
Narrator:
At the end of the list
with but one gift to deliver,
Johnny realized something
that just made him shiver.
Aw, man, did I blow it!
What a dumb thing to do!
I gave mama's gift
to the wrong person,
but the question is who?
You're cavorting
with some woman
named bunny!
Admit it!
Sweetie, I--
[sleigh bells ringing]
Narrator: Knowing no present
would make mama miffed,
Johnny expected the worst,
but heard--
mama:
What a great gift!
The gift says,
"from Santa,"
but I know very well
this big ring's
from John-John,
and it's
real diamondelle!
[Laughing]
Narrator:
And there in the corner
in red and green wrapping
was a present from Santa--
despite Johnny attacking.
Two gifts for Johnny?
Will wonders not cease?
He got two boxing gloves
and a brand-new mouthpiece.
But attached was a note
that filled Johnny with fear
Merry Christmas,
you pinhead.
Round two is
next year.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of