Johnny Bravo (1997) s01e05 Episode Script

I Used to Be Funny/My Fair Dork/'Twas the Night

1, 2, 3, hyah!
Check the pecs. Hee! Ha! Huh!
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Oh! Uh!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
and no tour of Ireland
would be complete
without a walk through a field
of genuine Irish 4-leaf clovers.
Tour guide:
As beautiful as they are,
4-leaf clovers are very rare,
so as tempted as you might be,
please don't pick 'em!
Johnny: She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me,
she loves me not. Dang.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me,
she loves me--
aw, dang!
She loves me,
she loves me not.
She loves me--
and what
in the name of Mike do
you think you're doing?
Mike? Sorry, ma'am.
Johnny is the name.
Johnny bravo. Ha!
She loves me not.
Aw, dang again.
You know, these--
ah! Uh! Ugh!
Boy, I'd hate to be
that Mike guy.
Ireland, smireland.
What's all the hubbub
about this place anyway?
[Coins jangling]
Boy, do I!
That's it.
I'll kiss this blarney thing
and get lucky in love.
Hyah! Now all I got to do
is find it.
Well, top of the morning
to you, stranger.
Does everybody here
wear green?
Well, looks as though
you've discovered
me crock of gold.
And according to the rules,
I owe you a wish.
Hey, aren't you
a little young
to have a beard?
Allow me to
introduce meself.
Stone's the name.
Barney stone.
Hey, did you say your name
is Barney stone?
Aye, indeed I did.
Want more luck
in your love life?
Kiss the blarney stone.
And--and you have
magical powers?
Aye, indeed
I do--do--do--do
Ah, close enough.
The name's Johnny bravo.
And I need to kiss you
to change my luck.
Pucker up, shorty.
I'll just disguise meself,
I will, as a sheep
and give him the slip,
I will.
Eeny, meeny, Larry, moe,
catch it--
aw, man.
How am I gonna find him?
I know. Scotland rules!
Now, wait just
a Mike lovin' minute!
Aw, man, this place
is weird. Hyah!
[Call to the post plays]
I'll be needing meself
a ride.
I get the feeling
you're playing
hard to get.
Whoa! Ho!
Ooh! Oh! Doh!
Well, this is nice--oh!
[Crowd cheering]
Kind of.
Maybe I can lose
the crazed hooligan inside.
Oh, baby!
This is where they make
my favorite cereal:
Fortune flakes.
Who goes there?
My name's Johnny bravo,
sir, and I--
silence! I am
the great and powerful
clovy the clover,
official mascot of
fortune flake cereal.
What do you ask
of clovy?
Well, I'm looking for
a little green guy,
about so tall, hairy face,
running in terror 'cause
I got to kiss him.
What the
Now, then,
off with you, strange one.
I smell a little
hairy green rat.
Uh, the one you seek
has no desire to kiss you
or anything else.
Gotcha! Hyah!
[Bawk bawk]
I'm beginning to see
a pattern here.
Now, look, kid,
it's not that I
want to kiss you.
It's just that I have to,
so chicks will still dig me.
You dig me?
Oh, listen, laddie,
I'll give you
any wish you want,
but I'm a-begging you
not to kiss me.
just name it, lad.
But for
the love of Mike,
don't kiss me.
Ok, here goes nothing.
I wish I could be
really attractive
to the chicks.
Ah, consider it done.
[Snaps fingers]
And farewell to you,
you strange,
strange lad.
Oh, my!
He's a big one!
Let's get him,
Well, I'll be flocked.
Me, too.
Oh, shut up.
It's a beautiful day,
but not as beautiful as me.
"See the world."
"Have an adventure."
"Meet exotic women."
"They're this way."
This must be the place.
Howdy there,
military mama.
Ever seen guns
like these before?
Huh! Hyah!
Can I help you, Hercules?
Bravo is the name,
ma'am. Johnny bravo.
And I'm here to take
some of them
exotic women
off your hands.
Now, if you'll
just kindly point me
to them
Oh, you must have
seen our posters.
Why, yes, ma'am.
Now, do I get
all the women at once,
or do you just kind of
send them to me
one at a time?
Well, if you just sign here
on the dotted line,
everything will become
perfectly clear to you.
Huh. "The party
of the first part
does hereby sign
over to the party
of the second part--"
cool. I love a party.
Blah blah blah
yadda yadda yadda.
Where do I sign?
Here, here, and here.
You might want to save
them there autographs,
little French fry.
They're gonna be
valuable some day.
Oh, I'm sure they will.
Is this part
of the party?
You are now a proud member
of the French foreign legion.
I love the way
you say French. Ha!
Is there a movie
on this flight?
Oui, monsieur.
It is entitled
shut your mouth!
Haven't seen it.
Any chicks in it?
Listen up, slime!
You are now a private
in the service of the
French foreign legion.
Your training will
begin immediately!
Hey! I'm at the beach!
Hyah! Huh! Surf's up.
[Whistling sound
like incoming bombs]
OhThis is nice.
Who are you?
Sand worm!
Take that! And that!
Aw, mama.
Hey, sand worms don't talk.
Who are you?
I'm Johnny bravo.
Huh! Ha!
And you just made
a big mistake.
I'll say. I never
should have fallen
for that free
exotic vacation bit.
Look at this place.
There's not one
massage table.
What is this place?
Looks like the desert
to me.
My skin's
gonna get so dry.
[Whistling sound]
Hi there, folks!
I'm Jackie Jacques!
And I'm the host of
"find the fort,"
the game where you either
find the legion fort
or you die of thirst
in the Sahara desert.
Let's meet
our contestants.
Johnny bravo.
It says here that
your hobbies are women,
girls, and chicks.
And babes.
Don't forget babes.
And your name
is Lawrence?
That's right.
As in Lawrence
of Arabia?
No. As in Lawrence of
shut up, smart pants!
Ha ha! Well, good luck
to both of you.
All right,
let's get going.
You're not
the boss of me.
Hey! You can't leave me
out here all alone!
what a glorious morning
hey, let's race.
Come on,
Mr. lazy bones!
kind of thirsty.
Thirsty? Ha!
I'm never thirsty.
You see this hump?
Yeah. You should
get that lanced.
No, silly.
This hump keeps me
constantly supplied
with moisture.
I can go for days
without water.
Ha ha!
I have a hump,
and you don't
I have a hump,
and you don't
AhThat's better.
Hey there, baby.
In case I drown,
I'm counting on you to
give me mouth-to-mouth.
You silly!
That was just a mirage.
You know,
an optical illusion.
Man, mirages hurt.
Oh ho! It looks
like one of our boys
is getting
a little tired.
What about it,
Think you'll
still be able to
find the fort?
what do you think,
Hey, you got
any water?
No. Good luck, fellas.
Man, I'm hot.
I mean good-looking.
How about we sing
the water song?
Oh, there was
a farmer had a dog
and water was his name-o
and water was
his name-o
not the water song.
Anything but the water song.
Hey, what are you
looking at?
Now, hold it!
You're being very scary.
All right.
I need water, hump boy,
not show tunes,
and I need it now.
You found the fort.
We did?
We did?
Jackie, tell me
what I've won.
Well, you can
either stay here
and enter the fort
or take what's behind
door number 2.
AwWell, I have had it
with this place.
I'm taking
door number 2.
You've won
an all-expense-paid trip
to Aron city.
Ha! Check you later,
hump boy.
Gonna miss you,
sand worm.
I'm going to
the fort, Jackie!
Who wants to play
We do!
We do!
You know it.
Hey, baby!
Man. I hate women drivers.
Aw, man. It's today.
Today is the day they release
the new farrah fawcett shampoo!
Huh! Hyah!
Oh, farrah, I love the way
you make me smell.
[Telephone rings]
Hi, Johnny.
This is little Suzy
from next door.
Will you come to
my birthday party
I'm busy.
Call me in 15 years
when you're a coed.
Please? It'll be fun.
You want to come
to my birthday party?
You want to
come to my--
Why not?
I'm busy, little girl.
Doing what?
I'm on my way to buy
the new farrah fawcett
shampoo for men. Hyah!
Farrah fawcett?
You know, she's
coming to my party.
Is not.
Is too.
Is too.
Is not.
Is not! Not!
Not! Not!
Is! Is! Is! Is!
Farrah fawcett
is my cousin,
and she's coming
to my party.
Yeah, right.
And pigs fly.
[Oink oink]
Besides, I'm too big
and too handsome
to come to a silly
little kid party.
Fine. I'm taking
your name off of
the approved
guest list.
Like I care.
[Horn honks tune of
LA cucaracha]
Oh, man.
Farrah fawcett.
The only person whose hair
is prettier than mine. Hyah!
Cousin farrah!
Cousin Suzy,
Happy Birthday!
Did you set up
the kissing booth for me?
I sure did,
and I have a lot of
lipsticks for you, too.
I got to get in there.
You, blond boy,
back of the line.
Well, at this rate,
we're gonna miss
bikini volleyball.
Life is cruel.
What's up, dude?
Give me that!
You can never be
too careful!
It's a bomb!
Ah! Oh! Eek! Ah!
you're spazzing.
All right, you can
go in, but the skateboard
stays here. Capisci?
Capisci. Later,
captain spaz.
Kids. Next.
Hold it right there,
granny. Empty the pockets.
No way, handsome.
You're gonna have to
frisk me.
Darn it.
Johnny bravo.
Johnny bravo.
Your name
has been crossed off
the guest list, friend.
Entrance denied.
Look, mister,
I got to get in there
and meet farrah fawcett.
I'm afraid
I can't allow that.
Well, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to use my
karate on you, mister.
Ha! Ha! Oh!
That's why
I always carry this
handy-dandy cattle prod.
I am here
for the party.
Honk, honk.
Sorry, chum.
No clowns allowed.
Who are you
calling a clown?
That's why I always
carry this handy-dandy
extendo boxing glove.
Sorry, mister.
It's a matter of
overabundant testosterone.
Ha ha ha!
This is so much fun.
I can't remember the last time
I was blindfolded.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I can.
Hee hee hee!
Oops. Hee hee!
[Whistling sound]
Farrah! OhFarrah.
Oh! Ow! Doh! Ugh!
OhOh, mama.
Hey, what are you
supposed to be?
I'm smarmy the dinosaur.
Hold on there,
I need to borrow
that costume.
No way! It's a rental.
You don't understand.
Farrah fawcett's
in there, and I'm
out here.
Tough luck, uberman.
Give me the suit!
Smarmy the dinosaur!
May I say, Mr. smarmy,
that I have always
admired your work?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Now let me in,
all right?
Ow! Ow!
Thank you, Mr. smarmy.
One for you.
And one for you.
And one for you.
And one for
For you.
It's smarmy the dinosaur!
I want to give him
a big smarmy hug.
Oh, how sweet.
That smarmy is so nice.
I'm gonna have to give him
a big kiss.
Aw, man!
It's my lucky day.
I'm gonna kiss
farrah fawcett.
Now, if I could only
get this thing off! Argh!
You know, I'm
a big fan of yours.
Thank you for inviting me
to your party, cousin Suzy.
I'm sorry
you couldn't meet
my neighbor Johnny.
I know. I guess
I'm gonna have to find
another date for tonight.
Oh, well. His loss.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Oh. Well, I got to run.
Good-bye, everybody.
Good-bye, farrah.
Hey, come on,
get off of me, kid.
Watch it, you little brat.
Hey, don't dis the do,
Don't touch the hair.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of
Previous EpisodeNext Episode