Johnny Bravo (1997) s01e09 Episode Script

Substitute Teacher/A Wolf in Chick's Clothing/Intensive Care

1, 2, 3, hyah!
Check the pecs. Hee! Ha! Huh!
Man, I'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Oh! Uh!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
Aw, mama!
There's got to be
a faster way to get huge.
Hey, all you buff
why waste your time
sweating like bacon hogs
to harden a six-pack
of abdominals when
you don't have to?
That's right! Ubermass
helps weightlifters gain
body mass quick.
I'm all "uber" it.
Huh! Hey, fella,
that uber stuff
really work?
Of course it does.
It's been scientifically
tested by Dr. floppy.
Ubermass gets
my seal of approval. Oy, boy.
That's cool.
So what's in the shake?
a top-secret formula,
but if you promise to
buy some, I might be
willing to tell you.
Ah, fiddlesticks.
I can't keep
a secret from you.
It's a delicious
fudge-flavored mix
of ingredients,
with a little
sprinkle of magic.
Is it
Well, it ought to
be, with such great
chocolate taste.
Ok, mister, let me
get this straight.
If I drink ubermass,
it'll make me huge?
See for yourself.
Hey, that's me. I'm pretty.
Where'd you get that?
Now, this is you
before ubermass.
What about after?
Holy guacamole!
And, Johnny,
look at this.
Whoa! All the pixilated
two-dimensional babes I want!
Mister, you got a deal.
I'll take a case.
Great! Now, remember,
don't exceed the
recommended dosage.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure, pal.
You're going to like
being huge, Johnny.
Hee hee!
Yeah, I'll bet--
hey, how'd you know
my name?
How do these people
know my name?
Johnny: Let's see now.
One shake every evening,
and in six weeks, I'll start
to build up body mass.
Whoa! Six weeks?
Aw, mama. I hate
delayed gratification.
I got to get buff now.
[Cat shrieks]
[Glass breaks]
[Glug glug glug]
Aw, mama!
What the
Hey! The ubermass--
it worked!
[Water sloshing]
I'm an ocean of muscle,
ebbing and flowing on the tide
of studliness.
Woman: Johnny!
What, mama?
Your oatmeal's
ready, boy!
Ok, mama.
Will you cut that out!
Johnny, you're huge!
Mama: What on earth
happened, Johnny?
Ubermass, mama.
Turned me into
a buff-bodied stud.
Well, now, Johnny,
I don't want to be
negative, but
Well, you don't look
all that buff.
What are you
talking about?
you just look fat.
You're just
jealous, mama.
No. Actually,
she's right, Johnny.
You're fat.
I'm huge!
That's all that matters.
Quick--give me something
heavy to lift.
What about
the washing machine?
All righty.
[Glug glug glug]
Aw, man!
Maybe I do have
a couple of
extra stomach rolls.
Oh, now, Johnny,
this is ridiculous.
I mean, good heavens!
You've gotten house
all over the floor!
Dang! You're right.
I got to find a way
to lose weight fast.
You and 58% of America.
Mama, I'll be back.
I'm going to
ubermass headquarters.
Ah, well, I'd better
get the squeegee.
Wait a second.
A 50 foot woman?
What a ridiculously
outlandish idea!
That's the movies
for you--totally fake.
Fake is right.
Yep. Doesn't get
any less real
than giant people.
Giant people! Ha!
Just the thought
is laughable.
Holy cow!
We're eating crow!
And the taste is
bitter indeed.
[People screaming]
Take it easy,
Don't panic.
I'm just looking
for the ubermass factory.
Oh, baby! I got
to fix this fast.
I'm ticking a lot
of people off.
I can--whoa, mama!
Hey there,
foxy hygiene girl.
I love a babe
with minty breath.
hey, thanks, man.
God bless you.
[Horn honking]
Sorry about that.
Ooh! Excuse me.
That's got to hurt.
I sold an entire
case of the stuff
to this idiot.
Did you tell him
it was outlawed
by the f.D.A.?
F.D.A.? Is that
the basketball thing?
Oh. Then I
didn't tell him.
[Pounding footsteps]
Hey, you're that fellow
that sold me the ubermass.
No. No.
He, uhHe died.
Hyah! Not so fast,
All right, now,
Mr. wizard,
my request is simple.
Either you give me the
antidote to this uber crud,
or I wring you
like a sponge.
Ok, ok, ok!
You win, fella.
This is--this is
hinter mass.
Remember, follow
the recommended dosage,
and in six weeks,
you'll be back to normal.
Ah, there you go
again with that
"six weeks" stuff.
Mister, I don't have
that kind of time.
Ah! Six weeks,
shmix weeks!
I knew everything
would turn out ok.
Aw, man! I got to get
to the gym.
Narrator: Ah, Saturday
in Aron city--
a day of peace,
a day of relaxation, a day of--
[horn honks]
Quiet! I'm trying
to touch my inner self.
Thank you, young lady.
No, thank you!
One, please.
Coming right up.
What are you
doing, kid?
Hi, Johnny.
I'm selling lemonade
so I can buy my mommy a gift.
Ha ha! At a quarter
a glass?
What are you going
to buy her--gum?
Ahh! Here's a twenty.
Keep the change.
Thank you!
No, thank you!
Excuse me, little girl.
Do you have change
for a thousand?
Um, I think so.
Neato! Now I have
enough money to send
my mommy to acapulco.
LA cucaracha,
LA cucaracha
LA ta LA ta
LA ta ta
it's going to be the best
mother's day gift ever.
Mother's day?
Sure. Mother's day
is tomorrow.
Oh, yeah!
Hey, I can get mama
those slippers
she's been
wanting to buy.
I just hope I have
enough money.
Moth: I'm free!
Aw, man!
And those slippers
cost $25, too.
Where am I going
to get that kind
of money?
Hey, Johnny, I have
some extra--
don't interrupt me,
kid. I got to
make some cash.
Johnny, anybody
can make money.
You just have to figure
out what your best asset
is and sell that.
My best asset.
My best asset!
All I got to do is kiss
one Betty--ha!--And I'm off
to buy those slippers.
Hey, little mama,
one kiss--$25.
Ok, how about two kisses?
Hey there, little pop tart,
how'd you like me to plant
a big wet one on you?
Ha ha!
Or vice versa.
Only 25 bucks,
and I'm yours
for the taking.
Hang on. I think
I have it in my purse.
Did I mention
my money-back guarantee?
You'll never make
any money like that.
Oh, yeah? What does
a kid like you know
about making money?
Little girl, that was
the best glass of lemonade
I've ever had.
Thank you, sir.
In fact,
I liked it so much,
I'm prepared to give
you a big sack of money
for your recipe.
Ok. Lemons, water,
and sugar.
Cool! I'm going to make
a money house.
Johnny, you should try
being a consultant.
A what
Uh, consultant?
Yeah. Like when
I told that guy how to
make lemonade.
So a consultant
is a guy who tells
people what to do?
hey, I can do that!
You should try
a little less Rouge.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Don't slouch.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Hey, thanks!
You know what
you should do
with that money?
Put it in the bank.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Hey, thanks.
I know I'm screwing
this up somewhere.
Say, mister, you know
if you worked out more,
you'd probably be able
to chop faster.
That'll be 25 bucks.
Tree killer.
Aw, man.
It's already 11:00,
and I still haven't
made a dime.
Johnny, America's built
on service industries.
You should try doing
odd jobs.
You're odd,
and you can do jobs.
You mean, get a job
to make money?
It's just a concept.
I guess I could
find a job.
That's the spirit.
[Telephone rings]
Troubled teen hot line.
Your boyfriend left you?
So, uh, what are
you wearing?
Uh, can I have that
cut in half?
Sure thing, mamasita.
Hee! Ha! Huh!
Battery tester?
Ha ha! How hard
could that be?
And that's the last
of the fire detectors.
Did you make
any money, Johnny?
Ah, no luck, kid.
Little girl, we loved
your lemonade so much,
we'll give you
a big sack of money to be
the national spokesperson
for "little girl"
brand lemonade.
We'll be here tomorrow
for your photo shoot.
Johnny, you don't need
to get your mommy
an expensive gift
for mother's day.
Just tell her
you love her.
Yeah, like that
would work.
I'm supposed to just tell her
what a great mama she is,
that she makes every day
better because I know
how she loves me.
I'm supposed to just tell
my mama that I love her
more than life itself?
I mean, I love her
more than anything,
and I--I couldn't
even get her a pair
of bunny slippers!
Oh, Johnny! Oh!
Put me down, mama.
All a mother really
wants for mother's day
is to know her child
loves her.
Yes, indeedy, boy.
Love is
the perfect gift.
Oh, mama! That's going to
make shopping for you
this Christmas really cheap.
Hey, baby. Whoa!
Man, I hate
women drivers.
Hey there,
smart mama.
What are you doing?
Typing recipes?
Actually, I'm using
my link to the Internet
to reposition
a military laser satellite.
I had this set
on "kill."
Johnny: Oh, mama!
I love a chick
in a trench coat.
You never know what they
got under there.
[British accent]
Sir, you need to get
out of here.
in grave danger.
I sure am,
sugar pop--
in danger
of falling in love.
Name's bravo. Hyah!
Johnny bravo.
And I'm bonded--
Jane bonded.
They're stealing
the plutonium.
I'm going in.
Freeze, pencilneck.
No tricks!
Oh, sure. Just pick
on the nerd,
just because he stole
some plutonium for
his doomsday device.
Johnny: Don't you worry,
baby cakes. I'll handle
this one.
No, you fool!
Huh? Oooh!
Man, British accent:
Good lord!
Transform the helicopter
and bring her to headquarters.
Yes, sir.
You hit
the wrong button!
I can't read
these labels.
They're all
in Chinese.
Johnny: Let me
get this straight.
You guys are spies
on a secret mission?
Quite right,
Mr. bravo, quite right.
You want
to frisk me?
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
W, I don't understand
why this idiot
has to work with me.
secret agent code 14
clearly states--
"when an agent and costar
stumble across a villain,
they must both see the case out
until its end."
Quite right, Jane.
Johnny: All right!
I guess that makes me
the object of desire,
huh, baby?
I hate the nineties.
W: These are
your weapons,
each of them
designed to look like
a common everyday--
you are a good-looking
sack of man, brother. Ha!
You, there. Careful!
Now, pay attention.
This comb is a bomb.
You comb your hair
once to activate it
and twice
to deactivate it.
Hee! Ha! Hee! Huh!
Jane: Phew!
Scared you,
didn't I?
This compact is actually
a powerful laser,
and this spray bottle
can spritz anything
from pepper gas
to neurotoxin
to a harmless hair spray.
Whoops! Had it set
for sarin gas.
Uh, let's go over
the other weapons later.
W-w-works f-f-for me.
W: This is where
we're heading--
the lair of Dr. pencilneck.
Inside, he has this device--
the look-alike-alator.
The looka-whata-lota?
The like-
No. The lator-looter-liker.
I'm pretty sure he said
the lookalikae-delangalier.
It doesn't matter
what it's called.
It's what it does
that matters!
So, what does it do?
We don't know.
But we can be sure that it's
something terribly wicked.
Both: Geronimo!
Excellent. Now, change
this plane into a helicopter
so we can watch from above.
Good show, pilot.
Jane: This is going
to take subtlety and
extreme stealth, bravo,
so try not to screw up.
No problem.
Johnny: But those men
are going to have
to get out of our way.
Hey! You guys!
You think
you all can move
or something?
We don't want to land
on your heads.
Why do I always pair up
with the dumb blonds?
Soon I will fire
my cellular
The loogie-lift-alator?
No. The
All my life, people have
teased me because I was
small and not pretty,
but when this weapon
is fired,
it will make every man
and woman look the same--
like me!
Jerry lewis]
Nobody will ever
be different.
Nobody will ever be
more or less special
than anyone else.
We'll all be the same.
That's horrible!
But sadly, very
politically correct.
Mister, if you're
going to fire that
at least let me look
at myself one more time
before I go.
Oh, all right, but don't try
anything smart.
Don't worry.
Here. Hold this.
You know, I'm really
going to miss me.
Don't move!
Hey, what's a guy got
to do to get that kind
of attention?
We're ready
for pickup, w.
There's our ride.
W: Will somebody
please get me a pilot
who can read Chinese?
Pencilneck: Oh, sure.
Jail the nerd
just because he wanted
to subjugate the world.
Mr. bravo, we're going
to ask that you pretend
not to know anything
about us
or this agency.
Don't worry.
Your secret's
safe with me,
but I'm going to
need some kind
of reward for this--
a kiss from
the lovely agent Jane.
Now, see here!
We can't--
no problem, w.
I can handle
this one.
Hmm. That's odd.
You didn't use
the red lipstick,
did you, Jane?
Yeah, but I had it set
I have that effect
on women, you know.
W: Quite.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
and U.S. department of education
captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of
ha ha ha ha!
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