Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e04 Episode Script

Claws!/Cover Boy/To Helga and Back

1, 2, 3, hyah!
Man, i'm pretty.
Hyuh! Ha! Hyuh!
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Gruff voice:
Hey, shove over!
I'm breaking out
of here.
Oh, yeah.
Come to papa!
Ah! Sweet freedom.
Come on, boys.
Let's make a run for it.
What's wrong
with you guys?
Ah, you're pathetic.
Think of me when you're swimming
in bisque, you losers!
Man: No.
Where do you think
you're going,
little fellow?
I ain't going back,
You lousy 2-legged
freak of nature!
Ooh! Ooh!
Well, you have to
catch me first!
Come here,
you little--
Whoa! Ooh!
[struggle continues]
You stinking little--
Hey, lady,
Where do you keep
them fish sticks?
Sorry. Only
fresh fish here.
Aw, too bad.
I was planning
on fixing up
A special
saint swivens day
dinner for my mama,
And she likes them
little fish sticks.
OhWell, only
the best will do
for your mother.
Why don't you
buy her a nice,
juicy lobster?
Lobster? That
come in sticks?
Say, you're
in luck.
We're having
a special today,
2 cents a pound.
That's a little rich
for my blood.
Oh, that's
all right.
You can
pay me later.
Here you go.
Have a nice day.
But i--
for coming in.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
You say something?
I said
Bon appetit.
Page 57,
"how to cook a lobster.
"there are many ways
to prepare a lobster.
"you can cut them open and stuff
them with bread crumbs
"boil them alive
"or freeze them
into lobster cicles
For a summertime treat."
Hey, you.
You throw that?
Whoa. Hey,
wait a minute.
can't talk.
Oh. Well, uh
I'm a magic lobster.
Yeah, that's it.
And i'm here to grant you
a23 wishes.
HmmWell, i've
always wanted
One of them
6-foot hoagies.
Come on. Come on.
[panting like dog]
What's that, boy?
Timmy's in the well?
Oh, you need
to go out.
Hey, wait a minute.
I know what's
going on here.
You're trying
to sneak out
your leash.
Hold on.
I don't have a--
[stairs creaking]
You've won the publishers
sweepstakes bonanza!
No kidding?
Oh, mama!
I ain't never won
anything before
in my life.
Hey, wait a minute.
Let's get
a picture, buddy.
[lobster groaning]
This might pinch a bit.
Ooh! Uhh! Aah!
That'll teach you
to mess with crustaceans,
Mr. "ooh, look at me,
my skeleton's
on the inside."
Now johnny's angry.
You're not going to
act so smart
When you're
red and boiled,
you stupid mollusk.
And by the way,
i don't think you
are a magic lobster.
No, kid, don't.
This ain't you.
Look in your heart.
Look in your heart.
Saw that movie.
Get in the bucket,
You stupid lobster.
Mama: Oh, johnny!
Johnny, what have you
done to my house?
Oh, mama. I was just
trying to fix you
a nice lobster dinner
For saint swivens day.
Oh, that's
so sweet, johnny,
But you know shellfish
makes me swell up
like a balloon.
Why don't we
go out for dinner?
It's on me.
I'd like
the fish sticks
au gratin, please.
I'll have the
And for your
little friend?
Give me a rump of cow,
and i want to hear it moo.
I'm late for my foxy
boxing class, johnny.
Now, there's a box
of your favorite cereal
In the cabinet, honey.
But, mama, i don't
know how to cook.
You can do it, silly.
You're my clever
little boy.
WellTime to go.
Calm down, johnny.
It's only breakfast.
You can do this.
MmmFrosted sugar bits--
The great taste
of frosted sugar in bits.
"free gift inside!
Pour into bowl
and add milk."
Oh, man, this is trickier
than i thought.
Man: Greetings,
lonely guy.
Tired of being dumped by women
from your own country?
Beautiful international
women are willing
To lower their standards
to meet you today.
Just call 1 800-l-a-d-y.
That's 1 800-lady.
Johnny: Give me
that phone.
Man: Hello, and welcome
to babe phone.
To meet a babe,
press one now.
Please allow 6 days
For your companion
to arrive.
Johnny: 6 days?
What am i going to do
for 6 days?
Who's in seat 7a?
Oh, another lucky
exotic companion
headed for america.
[doorbell rings]
You johnny bravo?
If i wasn't,
could i do this?
Hyah! Hyah!
Hyah! Hyah!
I have a package
for you.
Sign here, please.
Aw, mercy, this is
going to be good.
Hello, mail-order
So pleased
to meet you.
I'm giving big hug!
I-i-i think there's
been a mistake.
I ordered a babe.
No mistake.
Johnny ordered
And here
i am being.
Well, i
I changed my mind.
So let's go find you
another crate to--
Ooh! Uh!
You are being funny.
Helga like a man
with sense of humor.
No, i'm serious.
You really got to
leave Now!
Helga knows
what problem is.
Johnny is
afraid of love.
Johnny's afraid
of spinal injury.
[kissing sounds]
Hey, johnny,
look what i have--
2 tickets
to steel-cage wrestling.
Carl, great
to see you, buddy.
Sorry. I didn't know
you had comp--
Oh, she's beautiful.
Carl, you got to
help me.
How do i get rid
of helga?
I don't know.
Just do the same thing
You do to drive away
all the women.
Intimidate them
with my dazzling
good looks?
No, johnny.
Take her out
On the worst date
of her life.
not a bad idea.
Give me
those tickets.
Ok, good-bye,
johnny. Good--
Come on,
burly mama.
You and me are
stepping out.
Oh, good.
The courting.
Am trembling
like little girl.
Pound him!
Pulverize him!
I hope you like crowds,
loud noise, and dirty fighting.
I go almost
every night.
Announcer: And now, steel-cage
wrestling's main event,
The audience challenge!
A year's supply
of tube socks
To anyone
who can go one round
With our house
tag-team of doom,
The surly accountant
and the substitute teacher!
Don't make me send you
to detention.
[crowd booing]
If you never want
to see me again,
i'll understand.
Are you kidding?
We can beat
Those girly-armed
canvas jockeys.
Come on!
I think it's time
for an audit.
I hope you saved
your receipts.
Not the face!
Not the face!
Johnny: Could you get
your spine out of my eye?
It's trash
taking-out time!
This could go on
your permanent record.
1, 2, 3.
The winner!
Is best time
i ever have.
Where we go now
on date?
So, you, uh
Like it?
Ooh, it's delicious.
Just like stepmother
used to slip
under door.
More raccoon nuggets,
kids? Ha ha!
Please, mr. Pops.
Say, where'd you find
this one, johnny?
She came
in a box.
Ha ha! She's
a keeper.
By the way,
Here's a complimentary bottle
of clam juice
From that handsome fella
at the bar.
Excuse me.
Why, you little
What do you mean
by muscling in
on my date?
I thought you
didn't like her.
I don't like her.
At least, i didn't
think i liked her.
On the other hand,
i never met a woman
quite like her,
A woman who likes
everything i like.
She may not
be pretty.
She may not
smell too good,
ButCould it be?
Is johnny in love?
Who are you
talking to?
Shut up, clown.
It's time to turn on
some of the old
johnny bravo charm.
Hee! Ha! Hyuh!
Hey, baby, how about
we climb on that
tractor of love
And reap a big old
bumper crop of johnny?
Johnny, what has
gotten on top of you
all of a sudden?
You make with
the crazy talk.
I know that you're
worried that i'm much
prettier than you,
But maybe the kids
will look like me.
Now pucker up
and let's do
the face tango.
Is it something
i said?
Helga make a big mistake
ever liking you.
Come, skinny.
You know how to treat
A large woman
of indeterminate country.
The only girl
i ever really loved,
And she's gone.
I wonder if i'll ever
get over the--
Hey, nuggets!
Announcer: Welcome to
the chess match of the century--
Johnny bravo
versus the supercomputer.
What's this
horsey thing again?
It's a knight.
Can i move here?
King me.
There is no
"king me" in chess!
Hey, look at me.
I'm a martian.
Anyone up
for parcheesi?
Woman: This year's
hot fashion theme
Is "everything daring,"
With clothes
for the naughty milkmaid
Who yearns for
a dollop of elegance
When the workday's done.
Udder hats
and live farm animals
Are the hot
accessories du jour.
This little number, made
from low-cal cottage cheese,
Will make the farm boy
in your man say "yeeha."
Man, them high-fashion
model babes
Make me all sweaty-like.
You should be
a model, johnny.
I ain't no chick.
They got
male models, too.
Male models?
15, 25, 50, 51, 52--
Why would i want to
be one of those?
Because then
you'd get to meet
and hang out
With all
the lady models
you like so well.
HmmI am pretty,
And my skin's
kind of silky.
I'll do it!
HeyI found
the remote!
It says here to be a model,
you need a portfolio.
What's a portfolio?
A portfolio is
a book of photos
That showcase
a model
In a variety
of poses.
I did a little
picture-taking myself
When i was a war correspondent
back in the big one.
Why, i remember it
like it was yesterday.
Me and the red guard toe to toe
on the 38th parallel,
Smoke all around,
machine guns blaring--
[imitating machine gun]
Johnny: Pops.
Enemies to the right.
Enemies to the left.
The stench of fear
in the air!
Settle down.
You got the job.
Ooh, great.
We'll shoot at dawn.
Hey, these green, leafy
surroundings are perfect.
They'll really bring out
the red in johnny's blood.
Carl: Uh, pops?
no blood here,
just clothes.
Oh, uh, right.
I don't see
why i have to wear
These stupid
safari clothes.
Because, johnny,
manly and rugged
is in this year.
Well, all right,
if it makes me look
manly and rugged.
Now, give me
my makeup.
Hey, ready
when you are, johnny.
Ok, pops,
try to keep up.
Pops: That's it.
Hold it.
The camera
loves you, son.
Ok, bring it.
Work it, baby.
Give me beefcake, johnny.
That's it.
Hold it.
Ah, that's some
sassy stuff, johnny.
Uh-oh. Nobody look.
ho ho ho
Pops: Good luck,
Johnny: Thank you
very much.
You come in here
with mount fuji
on your nose
And expect me
to put you
on the runway?
You're fired.
You cannot fire me.
Where are you going to find
another size-52 regular
By tonight's show?
Baby, i'm here,
and i'm pretty.
You're hired.
Gaze upon me.
I am a professional
pretty boy.
I am sickened
but curious.
Hi, johnny.
Carl has a bad case
of poison ivy.
Ow! That stings!
No. Impossible.
This is my special
Low-sodium corn chowder
with aloe.
I must have gotten it
on yesterday's shoot.
I hope you don't
get it, johnny.
No way.
I'm too cool
To be hurt
by a plant. Hyah!
Say, are you
hungry, johnny?
No, thanks, pops.
Us models
Got to watch
our girlish figures.
Well, later. I got
to go make pretty.
Later, johnny.
Ha ha!
That's funny.
I feel like
A thousand
angry fire ants
Are gnawing
at my skin!
Woman: It's a glorious night
for the fashion world
As designer tango
prepares to unveil
His sizzling new
fall line.
It's showtime,
my pretty people.
I know you will have
a delicious show
Wearing the fabulous
clothes of tango!
Oh, mama. I make
this junk look good.
Hey, skinny,
how about you and me
Getting dinner
after the show?
I only date actors.
I'm pretty.
You're pretty.
What do you say
we go home and stare
at each other?
Only actors.
Please. Here we go.
Places, my pretties.
Make tango proud.
Wow. That is
very, very nice.
Don't hate me
because i'm beautiful.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Huh! Ha! Hyah!
Do the monkey.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
No! This can't
be happening!
Tango is having
a nightmare!
Stop! There is
no scratching
In the show
of tango.
You terrible man.
Ooh, i hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
Son, i direct
tv commercials.
You're perfect
for a spot i'm
shooting tomorrow.
Ooh, an actor.
Announcer: We'll come back to
when cats behave,
After these messages.
So, johnny,
Now that you're a famous
commercial actor,
What are
your next big roles?
Thought i'd tackle
the classics,
Maybe do one of them
chimp movies.
Quiet, everyone.
Johnny's commercial is on.
Johnny on tv: Hi.
I'm johnny bravo,
And whenever i break out
over my entire body
With scaly,
disgusting red welts,
I seek fast,
soothing relief
With fred's skin balm.
So, for those
bodaciously bad rashes,
Get fred's skin balm.
It works.
Announcer: This has been
an actual itchy, disgusting
person, not an actor.
In fact, if he were an actor,
he'd probably stink.
I'm famous.
Kiss me.
Must have rushed off
to buy my skin products.
I'm pretty and persuasive.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Captioned by the national
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