Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e06 Episode Script

Doomates/Johnny's Telethon/Johnny's Guardian Angel

Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey, there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
I love your hair.
Nunchuk chicks rule.
Uh, mama? Mama!
Mama, what are you doing?
I'm installing
a "v" chip
To screen out all
the mindless garbage
Before it rots
your brain.
Mindless garbage
not rot brain.
Man on tv: And now it's time
for the gentle hug hug show.
hug, hug, hug,
hug, hug, hug
You'll get nothing
out of me, copper
Until i get another
one of those tofu sandies.
Ha ha!
Man: You're watching
the fish network.
All fish, all the time.
Aw, mama,
i can't live like this.
I'm sorry, dear.
While you're
under my roof,
you'll only watch
Decent, wholesome
Mama, i'm a grown man,
and i demand you
treat me like one.
The answer is no.
But mama!
Aw, mama!
Hey, i found a nickel.
Johnny: What'll i do, pops?
I need bad tv
like i need air,
water, bad tv.
Sounds to me like it's time
to cut the apron strings.
Why, i left home
when i was 3.
Never looked back.
Hiya, hobos! Ha!
The name's pops.
So you're saying i should
hang out with hobos?
Are you kidding?
They'd eat you alive.
I'm saying move out.
Get your own pad.
Why, i have an old
windbreaker mobile home
That i keep out
at the dangerously
steep cliff.
I could let you have it
for, say, 800 a month.
All right, make it 50.
Hmm, now where am i
going to get 50 bucks?
Hiya, johnny.
Carl, old buddy.
Carl, i'll let you be
my roommate for 50 bucks.
Ha ha ha ha! Ok.
What have i done?
Here she is, boys.
Ain't she a beaut?
Carl, gasping:
She sure is, pops.
Aren't you going to
show us around?
Eh, no. Ha ha!
Don't think so.
You kids have fun.
And don't make
any sudden moves.
Bye now.
Nice pumps.
Huh? Uh, carl,
what are you doing?
Maybe i'll
clean up later.
Man: And now back to
when animals attack
pro football players.
Carl: qua yo qua qua
nn-yo qua qua
Carl, what are you doing?
I'm doing
kundalini yoga, johnny.
Well, stop it!
But, johnny, i'm just
about to contact
my big toe.
Here, contact mine.
Trading on all exchanges today
was marked by profit taking
On the bond market
Man, scottish accent: Captain,
long-range sensors detect
an alien warship.
Carl: Arm torpedoes.
Don't worry, johnny.
It's only my 1/60 scale
ragillian star cruiser.
Oh, yeah?
Let me see.
Hey, give it back!
That wasn't
very nice, johnny.
Look, see this line?
It separates your half
of the house from mine.
You stay on your side.
Well, then, you stay
on your side.
All right, then!
Stupid little monkey!
I heard that!
Man on tv: Hey, dudes.
It's time to chill out at
the spring break pool party.
I love the arts.
Man on tv: Then the amoeba
envelopes its prey in
a deadly dance of death.
Johnny: Hey, that ain't
my dance show.
Man on tv: Tiny,
hairlike cilia
Man on tv:
Insouciant paramecium.
There's only one explanation:
Tiny, invisible ghost monkeys
changing my channels.
I don't think so.
Ha ha!
Give me my remote, carl!
No, you left it on
my side of the line.
Neener neener neener!
Why, you little
Uh-oh. Battle stations!
Oh! Huh? Whoa!
When i get my hands
on you, i'm going to--
What the--hey! Ow! Oh!
Geez! Oh, come on!
[theme from
mission impossible playing]
Close your eyes.
You're dreaming.
Oh, yeah?
If i were dreaming,
could i do this?
I'm still on your side, carl.
Man on tv: If you've enjoyed
yam planting with pat,
Call in with a pledge,
we'll send you a tote bag.
I'm jonesing, carl.
I got to see my shows.
I'm serious, man.
Nope, sorry.
Oh, please!
I'll give you
anything you want.
Here, take
my beanbag chair.
That's a start.
Here's my waffle iron,
my barbels,
My stuffed narwhal
My entire supply
of potted meat.
My lifetime membership
in the squint ringo fan club.
Johnny, johnny!
Help me pull
the hand brake.
Oh, no! I'm not allowed
to cross the line.
Yeah, yeah, you can.
Please, johnny,
i'm not strong enough.
I'll do it if
you give me the remote.
Here, take it!
Now give me
my stuff back.
Here, johnny, please!
Now give me your stuff.
Take it!
It's the gentle hug hug show.
This is the part
where they hug. Ha ha!
Uh, everyone stay calm
Because we're all doomed!
Of course you realize
this comes out of your deposit!
Man on tv: hug, hug, hug,
hug, hug, hug
Johnny: Hey, mr. Minsky.
Let me get
some beef jerky.
Sure thing, johnny.
Mmm. Nitratey.
Hey, minsky, what's with
the going out of business sale?
Well, we're going
out of business.
No one needs
a $1.03 store since the
$1.02 store moved in.
Wow. That's too bad.
Still, a penny's a penny.
Nice knowing you.
You know, johnny.
The $1.02 people don't
have the high-sodium
jerky you like.
Nobody takes
johnny's jerky.
Mr. Minsky, i swear by
all that is tough and salty
Your $1.03 store shall not
perish from the earth.
What's it going to take
to keep you guys in business?
Oh, about $10,000.
Johnny, what's wrong?
You look so pale.
I've been selling my blood
to raise money for the minskys.
Girl: There are easier ways
to raise money
Than selling your blood.
But i need my eyes.
No, johnny.
We can put on a benefit.
We can even televise it
on public access tv.
Hey, that means
i can perform my famous
armpit symphony.
Um, maybe it would be
better if we made you
master of ceremonies.
I'll do it!
I don't know what it means,
but i like the word master.
Girl: Give me a camera angle
on stage two.
Refocus those scoops.
Do we have tone?
Where are my color bars?
Come on! Let's get
this baby on tape.
I have to be in bed by 8:00.
We're ready, johnny.
Try not to think
before you speak.
Just read from the prompter,
and you're on in 5, 4, 3
Good evening, i'm johnny bravo.
Tonight, we're gathered for
a very important cause.
A cause we like to call
jerky relief.
Imagine a world without
high-sodium jerky.
Well, i don't want to live
in that world.
If you don't either,
call this number
Unless you're a pretty mamacita.
In which case, call this number
and ask for me.
And now let's get
this bad boy started.
Few people realize how
a cupped hand and a bare armpit
Can produce the magic
we call harmony.
Carl: Excuse me,
You forgot
to introduce me.
Quiet, you weed.
I just want everyone
to know that
I'll be manning
the tote board.
And every time they call in
with a donation,
The number's will get higher
and higher and higher
and higher! Ha ha!
And now a little suction,
a little sweat
And here's the music
that you get.
Psst! Johnny!
Just introduce pops.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Better to build
the suspense.
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to be astounded.
He's not as pretty as me,
but then again, who is?
Ha! You know him, you love him,
you've sent back his chili
Give it up for the magical
stylings of the great popsini.
Thank you!
Thank you!
The illusion
i'm about to perform is
incredibly dangerous
For my assistant.
get in the basket.
Sword, please.
Hey, little girl,
my pits are tuned up
and ready to sing.
Am i on next?
But, johnny, an act
like yours deserves to be
Um, the finale.
Fine, as long as
i'm not last.
I will now immerse the basket
in a tank of ravenous,
man-eating piranha.
Upon my mystical command,
i will raise the curtain
And reveal bobo
to be safe and sound.
Yada, yada,
et cetera, whatever.
Thank you!
Oh, poopy!
Hang on, bobo!
Sweet heavens, why?
Bobo fine.
Oh, thank you!
That was great.
Did you ever see
the trick where
The guy pulls the bunny
out of a hat?
I mean, how does he do that?
Does he have a bunch
of bunnies in there?
How does he fit them all in?
Mama: Johnny! Johnny,
calm down and introduce me.
We take you now,
via live remote to my mama.
Can you hear me, mama?
I can hear you fine,
dear. Don't shout.
What you going to
do for us, mama?
I wanted to do a little
something for the kids,
So i'm going to take
my big fat hog
And leap over
14 monster trucks.
Here i go!
Don't do drugs.
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
Nice ride, mama.
You raised a lot of money.
Thank you, dear.
Don't slouch.
And wipe your face.
You have a little smudge.
Hey, nunchuk chicks!
Girl: Johnny!
Oh, right.
Ok, armpit time.
Hold on to
your hats.
Some of these notes
only dogs can hear.
Carl: Aren't you
forgetting something,
It's time for
my big number.
Ahh. All right.
Here's carl in
a stupid costume.
Thank you!
You're a beautiful crowd.
I'd like to pick up the pace
a bit now with a little ditty
that's a favorite of mine--
And i hope one of yours.
[singing wagner's
die valkure]
What do you mean
the chimps' bus broke down?
Will they be here
anytime soon?
Ok, bye. I'll never work
in public access again.
la la la-ah
la la la-ah ah
Ow! Whoa!
[glass breaks]
We're getting closer
to what you all want, folks--
The finale.
But first put
your hands together for
The hilarious sketch comedy of
the tingblat family chimps.
No chimps!
I'm sorry, mr. Minsky,
i let you down.
Don't feel bad, johnny.
I knew you'd let me down.
Here, i saved the last stick
of jerky for you.
That's right kindly
of you.
Hey, what's this?
Johnny, you've won
$10,000 in the jerky
10 gs! Aw, mama!
Think of all the crud i can buy.
Candy, comic books,
live bait
Aw, man, i can buy
my blood back!
Take care, minsky.
Oh, i almost forgot.
How much do i owe you?
Well, let's see,
$1.03 times 9,900,
carry the 3
I always thought this place
was a bit pricey.
Man: And these are
the prehistoric tar pits
Where dinosaurs became trapped
while looking for food
And sank to an oozy death.
I suppose when your brain's
the size of a cashew,
You're too stupid to avoid
walking into a lake
Of sticky, disgusting tar.
This way, please.
[engine running, beeping]
Cement truck.
Can't talk, mama.
Cement truck.
Blank canvas for the artist.
First, a moment
to prepare.
I'm blind.
My face is hardening.
Hey, johnny,
look what i made.
It's a computer made
entirely out of nougat
And recycled
aluminum cans.
Ah! You broke it!
You big,
clumsy, brainless,
insensitive oaf!
I'm still
your best friend,
though, right?
Careful, johnny.
My begonias,
they're ruined!
Honestly, johnny,
Sometimes you can be
so thoughtless.
Hi, johnny, will you hold
my balloon for me while
i tie my shoe?
Huh? Oh, sure, kid.
Could you put
your finger on the bow?
Like this?
My balloon!
Oh, johnny!
oh, johnny!
Everyone hates me.
Mama, weasel boy,
what's her face
I'm just a big, stupid,
stupid head.
I wish i'd never been born.
Ah! Oh, dear! Oh, my!
I'm fine.
Hey, are you an angel?
Duh, yes.
The name's maurice.
And i'm here to ease
your pain and anguish.
Uh, i'm over it.
But i'm going to show you
what the world would be like
If you'd never been born.
Maybe later.
I'm going to go
watch tv.
Listen, you!
How am i going to earn
my halo is you don't play along?
Now close your eyes,
rub my head,
And click your heels
It ain't gonna happen.
Oh, all right.
Is there a movie
on this flight?
Can i get one of them
tiny pillows?
Give me a bag
of peanuts.
Quiet! Pay attention!
Johnny: Hey, this is where
carl's house used to be.
It still is
carl's house, johnny.
Well, it's about time
you got here.
The jacuzzi's around back
And don't skimp
on the chlorine.
Open your eyes,
cheddar head,
it's me, johnny.
Did he go blind
or something?
Carl doesn't
know you anymore
Because you were
never born.
Is that true, carl?
You don't know me?
I'm too important
to know you.
After all, i'm
the multibillionaire inventor
Of the nougat 2000,
the electronic marvel
That revolutionized
the computer industry.
I shudder to think
what my life would be like
If i'd hung out with
an overstuffed macho monkey
like you.
Why, you lit--
I am also a master
of quai don ho man fu.
Guards, remove him!
Well, johnny,
what have you learned?
Uh, carl's better off
without me being born?
Oh, johnny, do you
really think that
Money, power,
and beautiful women
equal happiness?
Let's move on, shall we?
Johnny: What happened
to pop's place?
This is pop's diner,
Good evening,
senator, duchess
Go right in.
Yeah, it's me, bobo.
Now, step aside.
I say,
have you a reservation,
my good man?
Johnny bravo.
Oh, here it is.
Welcome to pop's.
Enjoy your meal,
Johnny: Wow! Look at this place!
I got to find pops.
Hey, pops!
Thank goodness
you haven't changed.
Give me the usual.
And just what might
that be, stranger?
Pops, don't you
know me?
Me and that dufus carl
used to hang out here
all the time.
You mean
carl krynziziziwich?
Why, that dufus
built the computer plant
That put this town
on the map!
If it weren't for him,
i'd still be serving up
road kill
And calling it
filet mignon.
Nobody talks that way
about carl in my joint.
Aah! Oh!
I don't get it,
Pops is better off
without me, too.
Yes, but think
of his enormous
Tax burden!
And the payoffs
to the health department
Ah, can it!
Everybody's happier
without johnny.
Except for mama, right?
Well, actually
I bet mama
will still know me.
She's got to!
No, johnny, don't!
Oh, poopy.
Ha! I knew it.
Nothing's changed.
Mama! Mama, let me in.
What the--whoa!
State your age
and identification.
Mama! It's me, johnny!
I have no agents with
the code designation johnny.
But, mama, i'm your
little baby boy.
I have no son.
That's why i was able
to devote my life
To my one true love:
International espionage.
What's the matter, dear?
You look a little flushed.
Small fry to madame x,
come in, please.
Say, it's the kid next door.
She ain't changed much.
Have you decided
to meet my demands,
Or must i destroy cleveland?
Excuse me, sweetheart.
I have to take this.
Whoa! Oh!
Uh, i don't know.
I actually
thought she put on
a little weight.
In those shoes, i--
Oh, i give up!
My boss was right.
You are nothing but
a big piece of meat
with a mouth hole.
The world's
a much better place
without you.
I'll never
get my halo.
Wait a minute.
Something's missing.
Where's the imprint
of my face?
It's not there,
you kumquat.
You were never born,
Then this world is
johnny's face-in-cementless.
This entire planet is being
deprived of my pretty.
Yes, that's right,
I can't let
that happen.
I want to live,
I want to live!
whatever works.
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
There's a guy
stuck in a well
in oregon.
See you later,
monkey boy.
Not if i see you first,
you wing-flapping wahoo.
My face!
Everything's back to normal!
Hi, johnny.
Hello, my little
neighbor girl!
Hello, you dweeby,
fungus-collecting dork!
Johnny, what's gotten
into you?
You know what
they say, johnny.
Every time an overstuffed
macho monkey
Falls face forward into cement,
an angel gets his halo.
That's right.
Way to go, maurice.
Way to go
Johnny: Look out!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Captioned by the national
Oh, mama!
A babeMercy!
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