Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e09 Episode Script

1
1-2-3Hah!
Baby.
Sassy!
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group and
u.S. Department of education
Johnny: I won! I won!
Oh, happy day!
Galloop gallam!
Huh hah!
Fall on your head
again, johnny?
Well, yeah.
But that's not
why i'm happy.
I won the "why
i like jerky"
essay contest,
Sponsored by
jerky jake's
beef jerky.
Huh hah!
750 pages of
literary gold.
You wrote 750 pages?
Aw, sure.
It was easy.
"i like
jerky jake's jerky
very, very, very
Very, very, very,
very, very, very"
First prize is an
all-expenses-paid trip
for two to jerky town.
I get to meet
jerky jake himself!
The only question is,
who will i take?
Trip for two, huh?
Well, i've always
wanted to visit
jerky town.
Ha ha!
Let's see.
Who could i get
to go with me?
Been kind of
a dream of mine
since i was a boy.
I could take the guy
who lives in that tree
in the park!
I'm self-employed.
I could clear
the whole week.
I know! I'll take
my pet fish--waldo.
Look, just take me.
Ok? Take me!
Why?
You want to go?
Here we are, pops.
Jerky town.
The jerkiest
place on earth.
Look, johnny!
Is that who
i think it is?
It's jerky jake
himself!
Jake: Hello, my friends!
Welcome! Wel--
I meant to do that.
Well, well,
you must be johnny.
Welcome to
jerky town, my boy.
You are my king!
And i am your
obedient slave.
Rise, johnny.
I'm just a man.
A man who's carved
an empire from
dried meat! Ha ha!
Now, prepare yourselves,
For you're about
to see wonders that
Only a privileged few of you
have been privileged to
Oh, just follow me.
Wow. The hall o'jerky.
Yes.
Within these halls
are honored some of
The great men
in jerky history.
This serious-looking
fellow is--
Hexapapades.
The first man
to eat sun-ripened
meat and live.
Oh, and look!
Otto of dusseldorf!
They say he never
stopped chewing.
Do you know what
this is, johnny?
Whoa! An authentic
1838 jerky gin.
It made mass production
of jerky possible for
the first time.
And united
a continent!
Hmm. I could use
one of those
at the diner.
No, pops,
the jerky gin is
Strictly regulated
by international law.
That's right, pops.
I hope you're not
one of those industrial spies.
Ha ha!
Hmm.
Indeed,
your knowledge
of jerky
Is truly impressive,
johnny.
Some people
look at jerky
and say, "why?"
I look at jerky
and say, "mmm, jerky!"
You are
quite a lad!
Let's have some
fun, shall we?
A roller coaster
made entirely of jerky!
Hmm. It'll never
hold us.
Don't worry, pops.
The tensile strength
of jerky is 3,000 pounds
per square inch.
This is the safest ride
in the world.
Buckle up!
It gets
a bit rough.
Aah!
Whoa!
Well, that
was fun.
Pops: Er, where
exactly are we?
Inside
my factory.
The nerve center
of jerky town!
Pops: A river
of liquid jerky.
Astounding!
Johnny: And look!
The famous tiny cowboys
of jerky town.
Wow. I thought
they were just a myth.
Oh, no, johnny.
They're very real.
What are they doing,
jerky jake?
They're refilling
that machine with
My famous
ingredient "x."
And what might
that be?
No, pops!
If jake told
people what
ingredient "x' was,
Anyone could
copy his formula.
You are wise,
johnny bravo.
But how keen
is your palate?
See if you can
identify these
exotic jerky blends.
Mmm. Santa fe
serenade, 1967.
Puree.
But how about
this one?
[sniff sniff]
Hoboken heartburn,
Sassy.
Slightly impudent.
Impressive.
But can you identify
the flavoring agent?
Zanthium
dihexapolysorbonate.
Number?
Number 6.
My boy! My boy.
I've searched
for years to find
Someone to leave
my empire to
when i'm gone.
Your love of dried meat
has convinced me
That you are
that person!
You mean
Yes, i'm going to arrange
a press conference
And announce you
as my rightful heir.
Wait here.
Wow!
Hey, did you hear
that, pops?
I'm going to be
a jerky baron.
Uh, yeah.
That's aces, johnny.
I've got to know
what jake's secret
ingredient is.
Hey, pops. Huh!
Want to practice
bowing before me?
Uh, no, son.
I'm going to go
get a moist
towelette.
Be right back.
i'm going to be king
of jerky town, huh!
i'm going to be king
of jerky town, huh!
i'm going to be--
Hey! Where's pops?
Pops?
Pops! Your king
is calling you. Pops?
Pops' clothes coming from
the secret ingredient machine.
ButThatMeans
And so it is with
great pleasure
That i announce the name
of my heir apparent,
A boy you'll come
to know and love--
Jerky jake's jerky
is people!
People, i tells you!
[gasping and murmuring]
What is the meaning
of this?
You fiend!
You ground up pops
and made jerky
out of him.
I don't know
what you're
talking about.
Yeah, johnny.
What are you
talking about?
Pops!
I thought you were
ground up and made
into ingredient "x."
Ha! Nonsense.
I just came from
jake's secret
ingredient machine.
Turns out
ingredient "x"
Is vitamin enriched
soy cake.
Oh, no! Oh! Oh!
Oops.
Soy cake.
But that means that
Jerky jake's jerky
is health food!
It's health food,
i tells you!
It's a madhouse!
A madhouse!
Whoa!
Well, that was fun.
But i'd better
get home and finish
My 800 page manifesto
on nachos.
Mmm. Nachos!
He's been following me
for hours.
He doesn't know
i'm onto him,
But i am.
Play it cool, johnny.
Act casual.
Get ready to make
your move.
Now!
I got you! I got you!
Oh!
Round one goes
to you, shadow.
Huh! Hah!
But the war
will be mine.
I got you! I got you!
Uh-oh, reinforcements.
Huh? Ooh, saucery!
Ow.
Greetings,
people of earth.
I'm theramid
from the planet wendy.
I'm johnny from
the planet
Get-your-escalator-
off-my-head.
Oh.
Sorry.
I've traveled
many light-years
To bring mankind
the secret of
universal peace.
You an alien
life form?
I just said that.
Now, about the problems
besetting your planet
You do any tricks?
No.
I can.
That's very nice.
Now, as i was saying--
What's this belt do?
It holds
my pants up.
Hey, can i try
your hat on?
No!
[gasping]
Ha ha!
Get a load of me!
I'm a kooky
space man.
Set phasers
on wiggy.
Now, cut that out!
Look, i've come
to your planet
To bring an end
to war, famine,
and pestilence.
Give me a dollar.
Oh, by the spiral moons
of neptubula!
Just take me
to your leader.
My leader?
Yes. You know,
the person in charge
of you.
The one who makes
all the decisions
about your life.
Oh, you mean mama.
Follow me.
Now we're getting
somewhere.
Alien: No, no, no!
Look, i'll say it
once again.
Your technology
has far outpaced
your social evolution.
I'm going to fix
all that.
Hey, mama!
Look at me!
[gasping]
I'm a crazy
space man.
Johnny, stop
fooling around.
You don't
look well, dear.
That's because
this carbon-based nitwit
Keeps asphyxiating
me.
Stick out
your tongue.
Aw, mama.
Quit babying him.
He's on a mission
to bring us
some kind of
Space nachos
or something.
Not nachos.
Universal peace.
You see,
by disarming
the world powers--
You know what
always helps me is
a spinal adjustment.
Look, i really
don't think--
Now, don't worry.
I'm not a chiropractor
but i've seen them on tv.
And exhale.
Alien: Oh,
merciful heavens!
Now, you go
lie down for a bit
While i brew
some herbal tea.
Your leader
is ineffectual.
I order you to take me
to the united nations.
The what?
You know, the place
where people from
different cultures
Get together
to talk turkey
and settle beefs.
Oh, you mean
pop's diner.
Follow me.
Johnny: Couple of
root beers, pops.
Who's your weird
little friend,
johnny?
He's a space alien,
pops.
And he has much
to teach us
About alien chicks
and junk.
Ha! Tell him,
little dude.
Thank you.
Good people of
the united nations,
I come bearing
the secret of
universal peace.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Just hold on there,
little man.
We earth people
don't cotton to
any kind of
Extraterrestrial
intervention.
We like to do
things our way.
No!
You don't understand.
I understand this.
You start with your
flowery talk about
peace and love,
And the next thing
you know,
We're all being
herded into
a giant spaceship
To be used
as slave labor
In one of
your intergalactic
spice mines!
Ha! Look at that.
Ha ha!
Now, cut that out!
Look, do you want
the secret of
universal peace or not?
Hello, mama bear?
This is red dog.
How soon can you get
an angry mob over
to the diner?
Right over here,
boys!
Don't worry,
little buddy.
Johnny'll save you.
[gasps]
Sorry.
Get them!
They're going
out the back!
Aah!
Now, put me down!
Shut up!
I'm saving your life.
Hi, johnny!
Carl, you got
to help us.
This is--
I know, a highly
advanced alien
come to bring us
A message of
universal peace.
How did you know?
I saw the ship
in the park.
I explored it
and everything.
Listen, weed.
There's this
angry mob, right?
You know, i've
always wanted
to meet
A highly developed
alien.
"live long
and prosper!"
"nanoo, nanoo!
Shazbat!"
"glato berata
nicto!" what?
Thank you.
My pleasure.
[shouting]
There they are!
Get them!
Let's ride,
little guy.
Wait! I retuned
your gyroscopic stabilizer!
It runs better now.
We're almost free.
Yahhhh!
Uh-oh.
[police sirens wailing]
See ya later.
Aah!
Yahhh!
Quick! Use
your magic powers
to lift us.
I don't have
any magic powers.
Bummer.
Aah!
Contusiony.
Oh, that's it!
I've had it!
This planet stinks.
Hold on!
What about your plan
to give us space candy
and money?
It was
universal peace.
And you can't
have any!
I'm going back
to my planet
And telling everyone
that your planet
is stupid.
And they'll probably
blow you up,
And i'll just laugh
and laugh and laugh!
Oh, yeah?
Well, your brain's
outside your head!
Ooh!
Hey!
Where's he going?
He's going back
to his planet.
He said he hates you.
But he forgot
his gyroscopic
stabilizer.
Ugh!
Oh, i hate it here.
I wonder what
ever happened to
that alien dude.
Good night, folks.
[growling]
Huh? Oh, mama!
Hiyah!
Hey, there my little
etruscan honeybun.
Your burly
gladiator is here.
Hiyah!
Oh!
I came, i saw,
i broke a hip.
It's wiener loaf
night!
Hello, mailbox.
It's wiener loaf night.
Hello, adorable puppy.
Ha! It's wiener loaf night.
[hissing]
Hello, toothless
carny workers.
Why so happy,
kid?
It's wiener loaf night.
I'm home, mama!
Wiener loaf me!
Man, spanish accent:
So elegant, so graceful.
Like a sleek jungle cat.
Rrraarrr!
Ha ha!
Oh, raoul, please.
You're
embarrassing me.
Ha ha!
Oh, hello, johnny.
[skreeetch]
Where's
my wiener loaf?
Oh! I completely
forgot!
I was having such
a marvelous time.
Oh, you must
be johnny.
I've heard so much
about you.
Such a good-looking
young man.
But how could
you not be
With such
a beautiful mother?
Ha ha!
Johnny, this is
raoul montoya,
A wealthy
south american
tire magnate.
He's my new,
um
Say it, bonnie.
Say it.
Boyfriend!
Ha ha!
No!!
When i first met
your mother
At the nicotine
patch counter
at the pic 'n pay,
I knew this was
a woman.
Johnny: I'm hungry.
Raoul:
The face of an angel.
The body of
a '57 dodge dart.
Where's
my blankey?
Legs so strong
they could kill
a zebra
With a single kick!
You're not
my daddy!
Raoul, darling,
shouldn't we
be heading out?
Yes, bonnie.
Uh, um
I am a little
short of cash.
Might i borrow
some money
To take you
on a romantic
candlelit dinner?
If course, i will
pay you back with
generous interest.
Certainly, raoul,
my continental
hunk o' manpie.
Mama, no!
That's the money
you were saving
to buy us
That inflatable
native american
sweat lodge.
Don't be silly,
dear.
Now, i've left
some powdered soup
and stale crackers
On top of
the microwave.
Good night,
umEr
Johnny!
Johnny! Right!
Come, raoul. Ha!
That low-rent gigolo's
romancing my mama
to get at her savings.
No telling
how low he'll sink
Or what he might
do to her!
Don't worry, mama!
I'll save you!
Mmm. Soup.
Mmm. Ay, mi amor.
De noche cuando me acuesto
le rezo a la virgen
de la macarena.
What can
i get you?
Oh, order
for us, raoul.
You're such
a gourmand.
I am thinking of
a thin, flaky crust,
Lightly garnished
with oregano,
And just
a suggestion
of anchovy.
Get me
a number 7!
Easy on
the chum!
Bonnie, my darling,
You've hardly
touched your diet
orange soda.
Oh, you naughty boy!
You know the bubbles
make me giddy!
As your love
makes me giddy,
my venus in spandex.
Ha ha!
Venus, ha ha!
Ha ha!
Aah!
There there are now.
That dime store
casanova has mama
eating out of his hand.
I'd better stay close
so he doesn't try
anything funny.
Whoa!
Here's your pie,
weasel.
Oh, is there any
shredded pimento
on the table?
Allow me, my little
butter sprite.
I always carry my
own private stock.
Ah ha!
Johnny!
You fiend!
You know
mama's allergic
to pimento.
That's pine nuts,
dear.
Lies! All lies!
Allow me to
'splain, johnny.
Eat marinara,
dirt ball!
Sancho panza!
Johnny!
What are you doing?
Open your eyes,
mama!
Raoul is just after
you for your cookie
jar money!
Johnny, if you
keep this up,
I'm going to have
to punish you.
Now, now, bonnie.
The boy is
simply filled with
The rambunctiousness
of youth.
He'll come
to respect me
in time.
Eh, johnny?
Come, my little
wood nymph.
The night awaits.
Mama: Oh, raoul!
Here's the check,
bud.
Aw, he's good.
He's very good.
Raoul: Bonnie,
tonight has been
magical and exciting
In a very tingly
kind of way.
Oh, raoul!
I'm falling for you
like a bad souffle.
Bonnie.
Besame mucho.
Besame mucho!
Oh, no!
Frenchy's trying
to strangle her!
Whoa!
Aah!
[thud]
Ugh! I'm ok.
Whoops!
The important thing
is i saved you from
that lying scoundrel.
For your information,
johnny, raoul stopped
at the atm machine
And paid me the money
he owed me,
Plus enough extra
to buy our sweat lodge!
You mean, raoul was
on the level?
Aw, mama!
I'm sorry i tried
to come between you
and your happiness.
Why, you lousy,
little donkey-headed
estupido!
I put up with you
for long enough.
Ow!
Unhand him, you nasty
finger-pointing beast!
But, bonnie,
i hardly touch him.
Eat sky,
caballero!
Aah!
Raoul: I call you
sometime, ok?
Here's your
wiener loaf, baby.
Aw, thanks, mama!
Promise me you'll
never let anyone
Come between us
again.
I promise, dear.
I promise.
Look out!
Huh! Hah!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Oh, mama!
A babe! Mercy!
Whatever
Captioned by the national