Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e14 Episode Script

1
Baby!
Sassy!
Man, i'm pretty!
Huh! Ha! Huh!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey, there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, you're such
a cute little doggie.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, you're such
a cute little doggie.
Captain's diary,
282.1.
Dear diary, my expedition
to the planet earth
Has turned up an abundance
of carborundum,
And some deliciously toothy
late night talk shows.
But i regret to report
that the planet has
No intelligent life
whatsoever.
[grunting]
Johnny bravo,
karate stud.
[chattering]
A-ha.
A worthy opponent.
Too bad you
don't stand a chance
Against my thrust
of 1,000 noodles.
[chattering]
[grunting]
Aah!
And so diary,
This mission has been
a complete waste.
Engineer,
commence transport.
Whoa!
Whoa.
Wicked.
Did i land in one
of them shakespeare
in the park thingies?
Captain?
Huh?
I'll play along.
Yea, verily, mcsquigio,
I am in sooth,
and whatever.
Mr. Fleen, something weird
happened to the captain
during transport.
Report to the bridge
immediately.
Follow me, captain.
Shall i compare thee
to a six-foot hoagie?
Thy bread is fresh,
Thy lettuce
is more crunchy.
Whoa.
Hey, this isn't
shakespeare in the park.
Chronoscope readings
indicate
Normal parameters
for cell structure
And dinucleic compounds
.
But brain function
is down to 4%.
4%, that's almost 5%.
Captain, would you turn
your head and cough.
All right, now cut it out.
What's with all
the scientific gobbledygook
And captain stuff?
Captain,
regulation 50739
Explicitly states --
For the last time,
i'm not your stupid --
Captain, it's time
for your space fritters
And hot oil massage.
The captain is in
Space.
It's really, really,
really, really big.
These are my voyages.
My mission --
to meet alien chicks
And drink a lot
of space lemonade.
I especially
like the lemonade.
You know how
they make it up here?
Captain.
First, they squeeze the
lemons with laser beams
Then they add
a lot of space sugar
to make it all sweet.
Captain!
What?
Your loop the loops
Have severely degraded
our lithium crystals.
We'll need
to rig a bypass circuit
To the heisenberg compensator.
Hey! You got
more gold thingies on
your costume than i do.
Arrest him!
Enemy vessel
approaching
our zone of comfort
On the starboard
side, sir.
Bring it up
on the wide screen tv.
This stinks!
What else is on?
Weapons are offline.
Our adversary has us
at his mercy!
Oh, yeah, i'll show 'em
who's boss!
I ain't afraid
of anything!
Aaah!
Greetings, crew of the nimrod.
I am carlock,
Emperor of geekdar 5
and destroyer of worlds!
They say snippiness is a dish
best served cold.
Well, it's very cold in space.
[laughs]
Carl, you weed, what are
you doing way out here?
I know not this carl.
Perhaps you have eaten
too many sorian rum balls.
Funny, you look
like this creepy geek
i know from earth.
It is possible -- i have
traveled the galaxy for eons.
And where my dna has sprouted,
who can say?
Well, nice to meet ya.
I gotta go now.
Okay, have a nice day.
Hey! Now you have angered me.
Lower your deflector shields
so i may have access to you.
Never!
Then i will smear you
across the galaxy.
Ooh. Do what he says.
But captain.
Do it. I have a plan.
Force fields are down.
Good.
Take the crew,
take the whole ship,
just don't hurt me!
[laughs]
[deep breath]
[laughs]
[shivering]
Huh?
Welcome, my worthy adversary.
Perhaps you are wondering
why i have transported us
To the surface
of this planetoid.
Oh, no! You're gonna
let a space leech
Burrow into my brain so
i'll become your slave!
No, but that's a good idea.
Note to self --
explore brain leech idea.
Okay, carlock,
what do you want?
I wish to find out
who would win
In a contest
of good and evil.
I shall represent evil.
Joining me on my evil team
will be genghis khan
And a lizard man
from planet delector.
Ugly team, more like it.
Joining you on your good team
Is this 45-pound tenor
from the vienna boys choir.
[singing]
[growling, hissing]
Aah!
It would appear that good
lifts its satin robes
And runs at the sight of evil.
And it would appear that
evil needs a bar of soap
And a deep gum cleaning.
[laughing]
You laugh?
I subjugated the mongols!
Looks like it's just
you and me, captain.
A moment please,
as i prepare for battle.
Whoa! You wanna
put that back on?
Traditional
greco-venusian rules apply.
You may find some of my moves
quiet unconventional --
Like the chest slap!
Owwee! Owwee!
Owwee! Owwee!
Owwee! Owwee!
Owwee! Owwee!
Ha! It would
appear that evil
Has little girly hands.
Now, good will seize
the elastic waistband of evil.
Galactic wedgie!
Noogie, noogie,
noogie, noogie.
I win, i win, i win!
I win, i win, i win!
I underestimated you,
captain.
And i commend you
For demonstrating mercy
towards me.
Why? I'm not done
beating on you.
Hey, what
are you doing?
I was just starting
to have fun.
You impersonated an officer
and commandeered my ship.
Blah, blah, blah,
what are you gonna do --
Strand me on a strange
planet with a bunch of
horrible aliens?
Forget i said that.
Nice puppy.
Good doggie.
Good boy.
Yes, sweetie,
mama likes the lightning
And hailstorms, too.
[baby cooing]
No, baby, you're not
on solid food yet.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Mama likes evil as much
as the next person,
But you're just
too much for me.
Good bye!
I'll miss you.
Whatever.
Whoa!
It's my delivery
From tainted seafood
of the month club.
This month it's squirt clam
From the shores
of lodi, new jersey.
Mmm,
squirty.
Hey, where's my squirt clams?
Hey, what's this?
"i can no longer
bear the horror
I've unleashed upon the world.
Please take good care
of little damien.
He has his father's eyes."
Oh, man, i don't wanna
be saddled with no --
[giggles]
Hey there, little fella.
Aww, you poor bald
little bundle of stink.
Don't worry,
johnny'll take care of you.
Yes, he will.
[cooing]
[screaming]
You must be hungry.
Let's get you a bottle,
and me a tourniquet
To stem
the massive blood loss.
You sit here,
you little scamp.
Huh, what's this?
Hmm. Baby formula?
Stick around
while johnny makes you
Some delicious baby slop.
[cooing]
This will work.
It says here,
"take the wing of a bat."
Hmm, i guess
these pickles will do.
"the crushed eyes
of a lizard."
I'll go with the raisins.
"and a shriveled
weasel paw."
Hey, there's one left.
Sweet.
[sniffs]
Smooth.
Open your yap,
you little drool monkey.
Here comes the yummy train.
Huh? Whoa.
There's gotta be
a logical explanation for this.
Perhaps an ionized burst
of static electricity
Has angered the tiny pixies
who live in that spoon.
Well, that shoots down
that theory.
[laughs]
Great sweatin' pachyderm!
That's astounding!
I thought we lost
that egg timer.
[chuckles]
Hey, that can't be child safe.
I'll save you, baby!
Aah!
You know,
for a sweet little baby,
He has quite a well-developed
sense of mischief.
Uh-oh.
Now, where did the little
munchkin get to?
Here, little baby!
Now i got ya!
Aah!
[giggling]
[grunting]
Whoa!
Bad baby!
Stop defying
the laws of physics.
Look out for those trees!
Stay clear
of those electrical wires!
Watch out for that
japanese cargo ship!
What --
am i talking to myself here?
Aah!
[gurgling]
That's it, baby.
Johnny's not
playing around anymore.
I knew this lint ball
would come in handy.
[grunts]
That was a bad idea!
[giggling]
Oomph!
Good thing this concrete
broke my fall.
Oh!
Listen you,
I've had enough
of you and your creepy powers.
We're going home.
And you're going to bed
without --
Oh, is that a baby?
You want him?
I love babies!
They're so cute
and cuddly.
Then it's settled!
He eats bat wings
and lizard eyes,
And i wouldn't play
with knives around him.
Well, gotta be going.
Oh, he's just a little
itty bitty baby.
Aren't you just a little
itty bitty baby?
Aaah!
[screaming]
Wait, come back!
I'll throw in a toaster!
All right, baby,
playtime's over!
Come back here,
you bad baby.
Bad baby!
Bad, naughty,
not very nice baby.
[wailing]
Zombies!
Bummer.
We're surrounded.
There's no possible way we'll
ever get out of this situation!
[screaming]
Hey, thanks for dropping
me off at the house
Instead of eating me
and stuff.
No problem.
Cute kid.
All right, baby.
Right to bed with you
and no more funny stuff.
What did
i just tell you?
Well, maybe
just this once.
Mama.
Mama!
Puddin'.
You the one who
left this baby
at my doorstep?
Yes, i am.
But i realized
Even though he's
a black hearted little monster,
I couldn't possibly live
Without my little
snookie-ookums.
Thank you for taking
such good care of him.
Well, your kid's
a creepy little
dweeb, lady.
In fact, he'll probably
start world war iii.
You don't like
my baby?
Johnny, i'm home!
How was
your day, sweetie?
I'd rather not
talk about it.
Hey, got any
fresh flies in there?
Oh, johnny!
[laughing]
And now, my science project.
Who is more intelligent --
johnny bravo,
Or a common ordinary lab mouse?
Hey, no fair!
Where's my cheese?
For years, scholars and
philosophers have been baffled
By one burning question
Where do the tiny people
in your tv come from?
Maybe if i follow this wire,
It'll lead me
to their tiny tv studio.
Hey, when i find 'em,
maybe they'll give me
Some tiny t-shirts and little
autographs, and stuff.
What the --
They must be pulling
from the other side.
[straining]
[grunting]
Stuck up tiny
little hollywood snobs.
Johnny, johnny,
you've gotta help me.
I'm a little busy, little girl,
what with a concussion and all.
But i've lost
my jiggle me jimbo doll.
You've gotta
help me find it.
What do i look like --
a detective?
Well, johnny,
if you found my dolly,
You would be
a detective.
And you know how girls
love private eyes.
I'll take the case.
There are a million stories
in a naughty city.
And the case of a missing dolly
was just one of them.
I started where
any good private eye would --
By looking for clues.
Aaah!
Giant ants!
Run for your lives!
[panting]
Whew!
Clues are scary.
Better stick
to digging up suspects.
Hmm, there's a suspicious type.
All-right, you,
where's the dolly?
Talk or you're going
up the river.
Oh!
I'm looking for a dolly.
Anyone seen it?
Where were you
on the night of the 16th?
At home watching tv.
Really? Did you see that
show about the wacky
tingblad family
Who adopt
the adorable chimp?
Hey, mister,
i saw your dolly.
I especially like the part
where the chimp tries
to make breakfast,
And everything goes
topsy-turvy.
I saw who took it, too.
Will you shut up?
I'm telling
the funny chimp story.
Whoa, mama!
She had long blonde hair
and legs for miles.
She was trouble.
Johnny likes trouble.
But, mister!
Outta my way, kid.
You obviously
don't know anything.
Excuse me,
i couldn't help noticing
You've got long blonde hair
and legs for miles.
What's it
to you, gumshoe?
Well, i'm a private eye,
and this is the part
of the story
Where you fall
in love with me.
Not likely, snoop.
Tell me what you know.
I ain't no stool pigeon.
Good, then i'll have
to search ya.
Ah, siccing the hired
muscle on me, huh?
Listen to me,
you overgrown --
[groaning]
Too bad.
You're kinda cute.
If you wanna talk again,
just whistle.
You know how to whistle,
don't you?
[no whistle]
Hi, johnny,
how's the case going?
I'm close.
I can feel it.
No, wait,
that's the soda can
Lodged between
my vertebrae.
Johnny, you won't find criminals
on a playground.
You gotta descend
into the belly of the beast.
You've gotta walk
the seedy rat holes
Where life's
angry losers paste
In their own twisted juices.
Hey, i know
just the place.
Welcome to pops.
I'm on a case, pops.
I'm tracking
a devious criminal
Who's perpetrated
a horrible crime.
I was never in detroit.
I don't know anything
About a missing shipment
of exotic sea turtles.
Actually,
it's about a dolly.
Oh, sorry, i don't know
anything about it.
Well, maybe this
will jog your memory.
Really, johnny,
i don't know a thing.
Ring any bells now?
Drawing a complete blank.
How about now?
Listen, johnny, i honestly don't
know what you're talking about.
All right, take it.
That's all i have.
Now start singing!
Sorry, son, i got nothing.
Oh, then can i have
my money back?
No.
I don't get it, pops.
How can i solve this case
without doing a lot of work?
Have you tried roughing up
some of the lowlifes
in the diner?
Thanks, pops, you're
always there for me.
Don't sweat it, son.
Hey, bobo, close the kitchen!
We're going to the dog tracks!
Now let's see,
which one of these yeggs
Should i senselessly
rough up?
Tell me what you know,
and i don't mean tomorrow.
I couldn't help overhearing
you mention the doll.
I have information
you may find useful.
Not talking, eh?
Maybe these drops of water
will loosen your tongue.
No, not the little
drops of water!
Talk!
Talk, i say!
You idiot!
I'm trying to help you.
When i need your help,
i'll ask for it.
Now tell me what i need to know.
Don't make me
use the ketchup.
You leave me
no recourse
But to call
my associate.
Otto!
Otto, huh?
Well, bring him on.
I ain't scared of no --
Hello, otto!
I haven't seen you
Since you beat me
to a pulp this morning.
Hi, johnny,
what's the skinny?
I'm off the case.
You can find your
own stupid doll.
Don't quit now, johnny.
I'll double your salary.
But you're not
paying me anything.
I'll triple it!
Done.
The rain dripped down
like mayonnaise
On the giant cheese hoagie
of a city gone bad.
I turned the clues
over and over
Until finally
the answer hit me.
Oh.
Huh?
I'll just buy
what's-her-name a new doll
So i can go home
and watch television.
Hey, the lock's been jimmied.
It's the blonde lady
from the park.
You're in way
over your head, johnny.
Get out
while you still can.
Who are those dolls for?
Don't make me get rough.
They're for my sister.
Lies!
They're for my mother.
They're for my sister
and my mother.
Stop, i'll talk!
I'm hoarding them all
so i can resell them
to kids
At jacked-up prices.
You fiend!
But you're never gonna
tell anyone.
Say your prayers,
johnny.
[grunting]
Johnny!
We got here just in time.
Actually,
a couple of seconds sooner
Would have been really sweet.
Can you get me
off the hook, johnny?
For old times' sake?
Sorry, toots, you ran
me over with a tiny car.
You're taking the fall.
That's too bad, 'cause it was
you i loved, johnny,
Right from the start.
It was her, officer!
The little annoying kid --
she was behind it all along.
Let's go, sister.
Oh, give her
another chance!
She'll be good,
i promise!
It was the kid,
i tell ya!
She's a criminal
mastermind!
Thank goodness
i got you back, jimbo.
Eww, you got all yucky!
Look out.
Captioning provided
by turner studios
Huh! Ha!
Uh!
Oh, mama!
A babe
Mercy!
Whatever.