Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e15 Episode Script

Hail to the Chump/A Fool for Sister Sarah/Days of Blunder

Man, i'm pretty.
Huh! Ha! Huh!
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Friends, there
are 3 things
That have made
our town great:
Goat tossing, evil clowns,
and ahi tuna.
Today, we honor
one of those things.
[goat bleats]
No, no, no.
I'm talking about the tuna.
So, as mayor
of our fine town,
I welcome you all to
the 16th annual ahi tuna fest.
Let the chowing begin.
Gee, pops,
this is the best
ahi tuna fest ever.
telling me, carl.
And when the town
gets a load
of my tuna tots,
It'll put the diner
on the map.
I declare this tuna to be
the finest i've ever tasted.
Pops, everyone's
keeling over
from your tuna!
Blasted red tide.
This is
terrible, pops!
Every member
of the town government
Has gotten
food poisoning!
Pops? Ha ha.
I know not this pops.
Ah, good gravy!
Who will run the town?
Call an ambulance.
No time, mayor.
I've got to
save the town.
[mayor gasps]
Let's see
It says here in
the city charter
That if the entire
Is rendered sick
from tuna,
The village idiot
shall be
proclaimed mayor.
The village idiot
Ha ha ha!
Mud angel.
Johnny, johnny,
come quickly!
You're the new
acting mayor.
Let me run home
And get my snowshoes
and a tile grouter.
No. Mayor.
Oh, right. Hey,
how'd this happen?
Well, the city charter
said that the village idi--
I mean, you're
the best man for the job.
The people
have spoken.
Let's motor.
Carl: Do you swear to
uphold the duties of mayor
To the best of your
obviously limited abilities
till death do you part?
Blah, blah, blah.
When do i get
my graft?
You're the new mayor!
My administration
can be summed up in 3 words:
Mandatory bikinis--
Actually, i had
a few ideas of my own,
As indicated
by these color charts.
The first thing
we need to do
Is construct
a new stadium
To accommodate
the fast-growing sport
Of professional bingo.
Then we use the proceeds
we make from the bingo
To build a giant
state-of-the-art space port
So that our town
will be the u.F.O. Capital
Of the 21st century!
So, as you see--
Really? You like
my ideas?
No. I just passed
my new law
Decreeing that
all geeky dweebs
be thrown in prison.
Oh. Ha ha.
Very funny.
[playing harmonica]
i got those
locked up in prison
because of
a retroactive clause
in the town's
criminal code
and can't make the
prohibitively high bail blues
And now, here to dedicate
the new public library
Is our mayor,
johnny bravo.
Thanks, tubby.
As you know, no one
hates books more than i do.
Therefore, i've ordered
this library to be torn down
In order to make room for
a giant sphinx in my likeness.
Well, what the heck
are you standing around for?
Sphinxes don't
build themselves, you know.
Hey, put your backs
into it!
I love public service.
Peel me a pomegranate.
Pops: Johnny,
I got a bone
to pick with you.
You may approach.
Johnny, your
health inspectors
Tried to close down
the diner.
Because of the asbestos
in the chili?
No. It was the radon
in the meatloaf,
But that's
not the point!
The point is,
i had to bribe them
Over $200
to go away!
The old mayor
only charged me 50.
Sorry, pops.
Time for my pedicure
and hot lemon wax.
Why, this is
I'm a taxpayer,
and i demand
To speak
to the city council!
Oh, all right.
I'll summon them.
[drum playing]
You know, you
don't have to do that
every time they walk in.
I'm free.
I'm free!
Ah, sweet freedom!
This is terrible!
Oh, this is all wrong.
A true sphinx should face
And those proportions
are way off.
Carl: Workers
of the town, unite!
Get down
from there, carl.
Would you bring
more evil upon us?
No! I would
bring you freedom!
Are you dogs or men?
Are you worker ants
or the majestic butterfly?
Are you tiny,
one-celled protozoans
Who use their hair
like cilia as means
of propulsion?
Aw, just get
to the point!
II think
we should rebel.
Johnny, you mean
to tell me
You replaced
the entire city council
With gorgeous babes?
Good work, son.
Stop, in the name
of democracy!
Carl, what's
the meaning of this?
We're deposing you
from using the powers
of your office!
Uh-oh. Quick, girls,
empty the vaults
and get the car running.
I'll meet you down
by the submarine docks.
Hold, tyrant!
You guys are going to get
so audited!
We fear you not,
For we
are the people!
We came to these shores
with our socks full of prunes
And our hearts
full of dreams.
We worked the land
until it brought forth
Its bounty of pine nuts
and wonderful onions,
And still, to this day,
we cry out as one people,
"liberty, egalite,
I'm ok.
Good work, citizens.
Now get back
to cracking rocks.
Get him.
Wait! Wait! Hold on!
I'm the mayor!
How can you do this
after all i've done for you?
Who's helped the plight
of hot babes everywhere?
Why, who tore down
all those ugly hospitals
And sold our fine parks
for lumber?
You're gonna hurt me now,
aren't you?
Oh, well.
Many great leaders
Were underappreciated
during their lifetimes--
Genghis khan,
attila the hun.
I'm sure history
will remember me kindly.
Ok, lady,
just not the hair.
Anything but--
i just got it washed.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help
I've been staring
at you for the
last 20 minutes.
So, tell me
about yourself.
Well, i--
When i was 5, i kept
a live salamander
In my mouth
for an entire month.
Here. Let me test
this for you.
You know, if you had
your nose done,
You'd be an 8.
Ha ha ha.
Playful little minx.
You know what
you need, johnny,
is a good 10-cent cologne.
And as the neighborhood rep
for chemtox industries,
I have an amazing
opportunity for you.
Sign here and receive
a new exotic scent
On your doorstep
every month
For the extra-low price
"revulsion red,"
"honeymoon in calcutta"?
Sounds good.
I'll try them all.
Go easy, son.
It's never been
tested on humans.
II don't
feel so good.
I need some air.
Wait. Don't
forget to sign.
how dare you fail
to bow before me.
I'm king leopold
of the netherlands,
Famous throughout
the world for
inventing cheese.
UhSure, your majesty.
Now, if you could just
sign this decree.
Sorry. No can do.
I'm late for my
I see you've got my robes
and scepter ready.
I'll just put you down
for a 3-month supply.
Good people of the netherlands,
follow me!
I shall take you
to higher ground.
Ah, count murray.
Kneel before me that
i might knight you.
Receive from me
all the lands
West of
the bowling alley
In perpetuity
for thee and thine.
Your majesty, i remain
your obedient servant.
Good count.
Have a count yummy.
Ah, my subjects
love me.
Do you hear me,
cedric of
The final victory
is mine! Mine!
Mine! Blblblblb!
A wheel of brie
for all of my men.
Wake up, sir.
What? What? What?
Are you the queen
of limburger?
No. I'm sister
sara herschlinger,
And you're
at treacle house.
How did i get here?
You were brought in
2 days ago
After a bout
of cologne-induced
I nursed you
back to health.
Cool. That means
you dig me.
But enough about me.
Tell me about you.
Well, i--
When i was 12,
i was kicked
Real hard in the head
at a pony farm.
Ah, someone's
raving again.
Let's get you up
and walking.
Established in 1932,
treacle house helps
nice people
Who want to be nice
to other nice people
In a nice
Why, thank you.
How nice of you
to say thank you.
How pleasant of you
to be thanked.
Thank you.
just creepy.
Hey, what's say
we go back
to my room
And you give me
some more of that
fancy nursing?
I'm sorry, johnny.
I only date nice men
with noble spirits.
I'm nice.
I'm noble.
Hey, watch where you're going,
etiquette monkey.
See, i can be nice.
Just give me a chance.
Well, ok.
If you can
show me the kind
of patience that--
Yippee! Out of my way,
you losers.
Nice guy coming through.
Help those in need.
Give till it hurts.
Why, you cheap so-and-so.
[ding ding ding]
Hey, you!
Give me some money
for the needy.
I'm sorry.
I give generously
every year
To my office
christmas fund.
Yeah, and i'm
a dallas cowgirl.
Now, make with
the dead presidents.
And just what
do you think
you're doing?
Ah, hello, officer.
Have you given lately?
No, i haven't.
Why, you stingy,
And if i catch
any of your people
Fundraising on
the streets again,
It'll be off
to the hoosegow with youse.
Every time i try
to fight the power,
The man
slaps me down.
That's all right,
I wouldn't be much
of a nice person
If i didn't give you
another chance.
Why, that's the kind
of pigheaded ignorance--
Oh, thank you.
For today's
noontime entertainment,
The green grove
retirement home
the comedy stylings
Of johnny bravo
and chippy.
[scattered applause]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, chippy, what's it like
to be a dummy?
"you tell me,
you dump hump."
What? I'm tired
of your sass.
I'm trying to entertain
these nice old people,
And you make me look
like a fool!
Well, i am sick of you.
For years,
you've held me back!
Chippy! No!
What have i done?
Chippy! What are you
looking at?
Stop staring at me
with your accusing eyes!
Stop it, i say!
And so, we'd
appreciate it
If no one from
treacle house
Ever comes here
Oh, johnny, i know
you must be crestfallen
by this new failure.
I'm sorry, sara.
I know you have
a good heart.
So i'm going to
give you--
Another chance!
You know,
you nice people
Aren't as bright
as you look.
"another chance."
that's rich.
Ha ha ha ha!
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Johnny, what
are you doing?
Hello, sara.
I woke up at 5 a.M.
To make
a pancake breakfast
for the whole house.
Clear the rest
of the day for romance
johnny's nice.
Where did you get
all the pancake mix?
I didn't use
pancake mix.
I used
my own recipe--
3 parts yeast, 8 parts yeast,
add yeast to taste.
Treacle house
is ruined!
Aw, this
is terrible.
We don't have
nearly enough
maple syrup.
I guess
i failed again.
Don't despair,
I know one good thing
that's come from all this.
What's that?
I realize
i've wasted my life
Trying to help
idiots like you!
Ooh! Hey! Ooh!
Man, that felt good.
So long, loser.
I've off
to shave my head
And join a heavy-metal
rock band.
Hey, you got
some pancake
on your shirt.
Huh? Where?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Why do i always fall
for the bad girls?
Ha ha. Bendy.
[door opens]
Here i am, girls.
Let the yoga class begin.
Hyuh! Ha! Hyah!
Look at me, girls.
I'm a love pretzel.
Funny. I don't feel
Johnny: Vroom!
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep.
Hey, baby. I know
what you're thinking--
"he's a rebel,
a bad boy,
Trouble with
a capital t."
i was thinking,
"get away from me.
I'm trying to read."
Admit it.
You've never seen
Such an impressive pile
of greasy, shiny,
turning metally things.
No. It sounds
like your points
need cleaning
And your governor
could use
an adjustment.
Here. Let me.
Thank you very mu-u-u-uch!
I think i'm ok.
What do you think,
little scooter pixies?
The dandy 500.
That's it!
That's what chicks
I mean,
race car drivers.
But first,
i need a car.
I know. I'll enter
the dandy 500, win it,
And use the prize money
to buy a car
To race
in the dandy 500!
Only one problem--
i don't have a car.
Aw, man. This car seed
ain't never gonna grow.
Maybe i'll just
get some shuteye
Against this
car-shaped thing.
Car-shaped thing?
Don't ever
look under that
car-shaped tarp.
Don't even
ask me about that
car-shaped tarp.
Never ever
look under it.
The tarp, i mean.
There must be
candy under here!
Aw, man, it's nothing
but a stupid car.
Ha! Comfy.
[engine starts]
Listen to it purr.
Nice handling.
Hey, i'm pretty.
[bell dinging]
Fourth floor, glassware.
Fifth floor, chandeliers,
Sixth floor,
expensive crockery.
Hey! I parallel-parked!
Hi, johnny. Wow!
A '57 kefauver
stool pigeon!
Only 7 of them
were ever made.
Yep. This baby's going
to ride me to victory
in the dandy 500.
With a cracked
and head gasket?
I don't think so,
mr. Fancy pants.
What did you
just call me?
But i can fix it up
And stick in a new
fission engine.
Really? Sweet!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Keep running, johnny.
We need more power.
This stinks.
When do i get
to drive?
Live! Live!
Ha ha ha ha!
The chick magnet 5.
It's almost
as pretty as me.
You're probably
wondering how
to thank me for--
Shut up and give
me the keys.
Announcer: It is
a beautiful day
for the dandy 500
As we await the arrival
of a mysterious,
last-minute entry.
And there it is now--
the chick magnet 5
With johnny bravo
behind the wheel.
Carl, how did you teach
johnny to drive that way?
I didn't, pops.
Johnny has
the driving skills
Of a deranged
howler monkey.
So i installed
a remote control
That will
let me steer
from the sidelines.
And they're off!
And it is
a lightning-fast start
As johnny bravo
takes an early lead.
Hyah! Get a load of me.
I'm a fancy-pants
race driver.
Now, i know i left
my thigh-meister
in here someplace.
Oh, no! Someone took
the '57 stool pigeon.
They're tampering
with forces they
don't understand.
It's a good thing
i've got
My yojack
vehicle-locating device.
Good gravy!
Somebody's driving it
right now at the speedway.
Get ready, pops.
I'm bringing him in
for a pit stop.
Carl, i was having
the most wonderful dream.
Focus, johnny.
He's good to go!
Can i try driving
with my teeth?
We got this
in the bag, son.
I'm popping
the cider.
Pops! No!
This won't end well.
It appears
that the chick magnet 5
Is completely
out of control!
That's the stool pigeon
and my johnny.
Oh, don't flame out,
Mama's coming!
[tires squealing]
Mama, what are you
doing here?
Shove over,
Let mama
Mama: Eat my dust,
speed jockeys!
And suddenly,
almost as if a real driver
Had taken control
from a total idiot,
The chick magnet 5
takes the lead!
We win, pops!
We win! Ha!
Gee, mama,
i didn't know
You knew how to
drive race cars.
Oh, sure, honey.
I worked the pro circuit
back during the war,
When there were no men
around to burn rubber.
Yeah, well, that's
very interesting,
But what matters
is that i won the race!
I'm a professional driver,
and chicks are gonna love me!
Not so fast,
mr. Sticky fingers.
In my house,
grand theft auto
Means chores
for a week!
Ha ha ha!
Chores for a week!
And you, mr. "installs
nuclear engines in
other people's cars,"
You're going to
help him.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Aw, mama,
But i'm
a professional
race car driver.
Look out.
Hyah! Hyuh!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Oh, mama!
A babe!
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