Johnny Bravo (1997) s02e17 Episode Script

1
1, 2, 3, hyah!
Baby.
Sassy.
Man, i'm pretty.
Huh! Hyah! Huh!
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Ooh!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Now for the chili
taste test.
Too much paprika.
I guess i'll have to
dump this batch.
Here's
a dollar, pops.
Give me
a bowl of chili.
Oh, well,
a dollar's a dollar.
Got to warn you,
though,
Today's batch
might be a bit hot.
The chili
ain't been made
That's too hot
for johnny bravo.
I'm afraid it might be
hotter than you like it.
No matter.
Bring it on.
No, really. We're talking
mondo hot chili here.
I don't care
how dang hot it is!
Give me
a bowl of chili!
Bon appetit.
This ain't so hot.
Aah!
Hi, pops.
Why so glum, carl?
Aah!
[yawn]
I spent all night
trying to perfect
The world's first
smart drink,
But all
i came up with
Was this
stupid fountain
of youth potion
That keeps people
young and virile.
Them's the breaks.
Chili?
Carl:
Johnny, no!
You're only
supposed to drink
a teaspoon.
Hey, iI feel
kind of funny.
Oh, no! I was afraid
this would happen!
Carl, you idiot.
My drinking that
stupid potion
Has turned you both
into horrible giants.
No, johnny.
My fountain
of youth potion
Has turned you
into a little baby.
Bummer.
Wah!
Aw, what's
the matter,
little baby?
Oochie oochie
goochie goo.
Pops, don't patronize him.
I've got your little toe.
Where's
his little toes?
Ooji ooji ooji.
Ooji,
little baby.
Where's
his little toes?
All right.
Now, just cut it out.
I mean it. Back off.
Sorry, son.
Ooji ooji ooji.
Ah! Where
did carl go?
Ah! Where
did carl go?
Here he is!
Ha ha ha!
Good one, carl!
I really thought
you'd left.
Listen up
before i spit up
on the both of you.
Carl, you got
10 seconds
To break out
the antidote.
Johnny, there is
no antidote.
You'll have to wait
until the potion
wears off
At around, oh
4:00 this afternoon.
Well, at least give me
something to teethe on.
I think someone
needs his nappy.
You're right,
pops.
I'd better
get him home.
Mama bravo will
know what to do.
So johnny sort of
drank the potion,
And, well, i hope
you're not mad because--
My baby!
Now, mama, this is
only temporary.
Don't go getting
all crazy on me.
Oh, honey,
don't ruin it for me.
I've been waiting
for this moment
Ever since
you hit puberty
and broke my heart.
Aw, mama,
just settle down.
Hey, i think
your stories are on.
Oh, look at you, all naked
and vulnerable to the world.
Let mama tend
all your needs.
I've had
all your baby things
Hermetically sealed
since you were weaned.
I
All right, mama.
You're, uh
Getting a little
weird on me here.
Ha ha! Remember
the bunny suit?
[shivers]
Here comes
the bunny suit!
Who loves his
little bunny suit?
Oh! No!
Get it off of me!
Get it off!
Hey, this is comfy.
Huh! Hyah! Huh!
Whoa!
Now, you sit
right there
And let mama
feed you.
I still have 3 cases of
strained squab here someplace.
Aw, mama,
not the squab.
It'll make me
all colicky.
Now open wide.
Mm-mmm.
Now, what was that game
we used to play
To get you to eat?
Oh, yes.
Oh, good heavens!
What the heck is that?!
Aah! What? What?
[pffff!]
For crying
out loud, mama,
i'm a grown man.
Not anymore,
you're not.
You're
my little baby,
And i'm going to
keep you at my side
forever and ever and--
[watch beeping]
Oops. 2:15. Time
for my polkacize class.
I'll have to drop
you off at day care.
No, mama!
Not day care!
What? I can't have
a life of my own?
But i don't want to go!
I don't want to!
I don't want to!
I don't want to!
Hello. I'm katya,
your child maintenance engineer.
Well, powder
my heinie.
I'll take it
from here, mama.
All right, johnny.
Mama loves you. Ciao!
You know, i don't
drool like this for
just any caretaker.
Ha ha. You're cute,
and you're so verbal
for your age.
I'll just put you here
so you can make
some little friends.
Ok. What?! No!
Let's go get a steak!
I'll let you
chew it for me.
[baby talk]
No, really?
That's fascinating,
You stupid
drool monkey.
Television:
Hug, hug, hug,
Hug, hug, hug,
Hug, hug, hug.
[infants babbling]
I can see
we're going to have to
Get a few things
straight around here.
Well, how's everything?
Uh! What happened here?
[women shouting
on television]
With my superior
intelligence,
It was easy
to conquer them.
You're a naughty
baby, aren't you?
I was hoping
you'd notice.
Hyuh! Hey,
while you're up,
Could you get me
some more cookies?
Oh, look at you.
You're all dirty.
Now i've got to
give you a bath.
What? But i don't
want a bath.
Now, now,
don't fuss.
I don't want
a bath!
You can't make me!
Unhand me, i say!
Got to time this
just right.
Ride, binky!
Ride like the wind!
Gotcha.
Let go, lady.
I said, let go!
Now let's get you
cleaned up.
It's 4:00, and your mother's
going to be here any minute.
No, i tell you.
I ain't gonna--
Did you say 4:00?
Lady, i don't think
you want to do this.
Really,
i'm not kidding.
[water running]
Aah!
It's a funny
story, actually.
Aah!
Wait! Come back!
Now we can
go out together.
I'll buy you dinner
and let you burp me.
How are you
doing, johnny?
Fine, mama, but
can i please get out
of this crib now?
Humor me, honey,
at least for
a few more years.
Aw, man, this stinks!
I'm--
Hey.
[rattles]
Rattly.
[rattles]
Ha ha.
[pffffft]
[snap]
Nani nani na na!
Whoo whoo whoo whoo!
It's amazing
the way they stand
at attention like that.
I'll get him to move.
Will you
cut that out?!
I'm not
at attention!
I'm bored! Bored!
Do you hear?!
Anyone can be
a security guard,
Even an idiot
like you!
Really? Can i boss
people around
And write tickets
and junk?
UhYeah.
Ah, but you probably
wouldn't like it.
You have to carry around
a big jingly ring
full of keys.
OohI want to be
a security guard!
I want to!
I want to!
Great. Here's
everything you need.
And remember,
you're not just
risking your life;
You're
risking your life
for minimum wage!
Minimum.
Sounds like a lot.
Don't forget
to sign me out
at 5:00.
Yippee!
I'm free!
I'm free!
Hear me, evildoers.
Your rein of terror
is at an end.
From this moment on,
i shall ceaselessly
defend this mall
Against all who would
do evil against it.
But first i'm going to
get a donut.
Look at me.
I'm the man.
Hyuh! Ha!
Now to find
someone to hassle.
Aha!
Where were you
on the night of the 16th?
Thank you
for your cooperation.
Whoa!
Yep, it's a great
responsibility,
Safeguarding the lives
of all these innocent
mallgoers.
So, i get off at 5:00.
You like chinese?
Right. Be back
after i finish my rounds.
Ow! I meant
to do that.
Ow!
Ow!
Hi, johnny.
Hi, dweeb. You know
you got a wiener
on your head?
Uh-huh. It's all
part of my new job
As assistant
manager trainee
Of weenie's
on a rod.
Only 57 months till i
get my big weenie hat.
HmmMaybe this
would be a good time
To practice
my suspect
takedown technique.
Ow!
Ha ha ha!
You're funny.
By the way, i'd
keep my eyes open.
There have been
a rash of burglaries
at the mall lately.
What? Not
on johnny's watch.
You know, johnny,
i can get you
free weenies.
Whoa! Can't
talk now, dweeb.
I see a 36-24-36
in progress.
Freeze!
Stop right there,
gorgeous.
You have the right
to remain luscious.
Anything you say
can and will make me
hold you against me.
Ooh!
Aah!
We may call you
for further questioning.
Got you now, punk.
You're going away
for a long time.
So just stop struggling.
Hey, i got his lawyer.
That's 20 points.
Officer! Officer!
There's a guy over there
stealing laptops!
You fool!
You've ruined
my high score!
Now he's going
to get off on
a plea bargain.
But that guy's
robbing me blind.
Talking back to me, huh?
Come here, you!
I'm your worst
nightmare, kid--
A high-school graduate
with a cardboard hat.
Now you think about
what you've done.
Ok.
Hey! Ooh!
Officer down!
Officer down!
I have to go
to the bathroom.
Hey, mr. Police,
why you suck
All of the yogurt
out of my machine?
It's all right, citizen.
I'm here
in an official capacity.
Johnny, the burglar's
making off with
my ceramic weenie!
Aha! A crime
in progress!
This ceramic weenie
should fetch a hefty price
On the ceramic weenie
black market.
Hurry, johnny!
I think you can
still catch--
Creating
a disturbance, $35.
Breathing my air,
$50.
Wearing that stupid
weenie hat, $40.
Stop him!
He's got the weenie!
Hey! That's
the guy who took
my computers!
Fools! Your pathetic
vigilantism
Is no match for
my criminal genius.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, right.
Run away.
Get him!
Living on the same
block as me, $63.
Nobody move,
or the rent-a-cop
Gets a hairful
of mustard.
Do what he says!
Do what he says!
Come on, you.
Oh, my gosh!
I got to get help!
[sirens]
You fiend! You'll
never get away
with this.
Your life of crime
will lead you to--
Hey, weenies!
We have the weenie store
surrounded.
Come out
with your hands up.
I hold the cards
here, copper.
What's more,
i want $3 million,
A lear jet, and 2 tickets
to the shah and i.
I don't need
orchestral seats,
mind you.
You can put me
in the balcony.
I'll be happy
just to get in.
Listen, take your time
with the "holding me
hostage" thing.
The shah and i?
That's going to
take some time.
[crash]
Mrs. Bravo?
I saw
the whole thing on tv,
And i came right over.
I'll take it
from here, captain.
Carl, you stall for time.
I'm going in!
Attention, burglar.
I know you're feeling
lonely and alienated,
But that's ok.
Let's do
some role-playing
To explore
those feelings.
You be you,
and i'll be
Sultry
cabaret singer
billie holliday.
Why don't you
give up your
life of crime
And join me
on stage
In a bluesy
ballad?
la la la la
Is he always
like this?
Uh-huh.
Do me a favor.
If you try to escape,
use him for your human shield.
Mama!
Stop, or i'll
smother him
in onions!
Eat leather, punk!
Hyah! Huh! Hoo!
Aah! Ooh! Ooh!
Thanks, mama.
You saved my life.
My pleasure, dear.
Besides, your little
hostage crisis
Was preempting
all my favorite shows.
Johnny,
thank goodness
Your horrible
experience is over.
Not quite.
We still have
a situation.
Give me that.
Attention!
Attention!
Does anyone
have an antacid?
[burp]
The british are coming!
The dang british are coming!
[bell ringing]
Hey there,
revolutionary mama.
Ow!
Ooh!
Let freedom ring!
Oh!
And bend and stretch
And 1 and 2
and breathe and bend
Johnny: Hey, tan,
blonde, and limber,
Mind if i ogle you?
Huh?
Whoa!
Whoa!
Uh!
Oh, mama!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Uh-oh!
Ooh!
Uh!
la la la la la
Hi, johnny.
Look, i lost a tooth.
[groans]
Big deal.
I lost my eighth
lateral vertebrae.
It's all right.
I'll just walk it off.
Aah!
Whoa!
Excuse me a sec.
You were saying?
And tonight,
i'll put the tooth
under my pillow,
And the tooth fairy
will give me
a dollar for it.
Tooth fairy?
A dollar?
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha
What's so funny?
There's no
tooth fairy, kid.
Uh!
Don't you realize
those are just myths
your parents tell you
So that you'll
repeat them in public
And then they'll point
at you and laugh?
This is terrible.
I knew the easter bunny
was a big scam,
But if there's
no tooth fairy,
Then life
is meaningless.
Oh, no.
What have i done?
I've taken
a little girl's
hopes and dreams
And dashed them against
the craggy rocks of--
wait a minute.
There's no easter bunny?
No-o-o-o!
More tea, mrs. Livingston?
[squeak]
"no, thank you.
I'm too sickened
By all the lies
and betrayal."
AwPoor kid.
I've got to snap her
out of her funk
Before she
drives me crazy
With her
miserable whining.
Uh-oh.
Ta-da!
Aah!
Aah!
Oh!
[crash]
Like i was saying, ta-da!
It is i,
the stupid tooth fairy.
Please, please don't
let anyone see me.
Behold my ridiculous
sparkliness.
Whoa!
Are you really
the tooth fairy?
Because my neighbor
says you don't exist.
Yeah? Well, he is
wise and pretty
But mistaken
in this instance.
But how--
Look, kid.
Here's 2 bucks.
Now give me
your dang tooth.
I've got to go
pick up a bicuspid
over in pamona.
I don't know.
If you're really
the tooth fairy,
You must have
magical powers.
This is
getting ugly.
I'm afraid
i won't believe you
Until you grant me
3 wishes.
What? There's
no haggling with
the tooth fairy.
I'll give you
one wish.
2 wishes.
Done!
Oh, yeah!
Who's the fairy?
Who's the fairy?
You didn't
see that, did you?
I'll have
a double chocolate
Dresden belly bomb
with sprinkles.
Extra fudge?
Yes, please.
And nuts and
tiny marshmallows
And licorice pieces
and--
Whoa. Slow down.
I ain't made of money, you know.
Right away, little girl.
You know, suzy,
me and the other fairies
Think you've been packing
on the pounds lately.
You said
i could have
any wish i wanted.
You are a real
fairy, aren't you?
Would you stop
saying that so loud?
Here you go.
Belly bomb for the little girl.
And a glass of water
For the cheapskate
in the sparkly costume.
That'll be $23.50.
$23.50?!
I must have
left my wallet
in my other tutu.
But i'm good
for it, right?
After all,
i'm the tooth fairy.
I don't care
if you're queen
of the stardust ballroom.
I'm sick of you
sparkling weirdoes
Stiffing me
on the bill!
[struggling]
Whoo! Listen, kid,
i'll give you
one of my teeth
If we call it
quits right now.
Uh-uh. I still have
one wish left.
You're not still
hungry, are you?
Take me to
the petting zoo.
What a delightful
little child.
Would you like some
delicious animal pellets,
sweet little lambie?
[baa]
MmmHey, these
pellets are yummy.
I got to get
the recipe.
Aah!
Get your own,
you oversized rat.
Hey, check out
the rat camel
Who thinks
he's a horse.
Hey, where'd he go?
Oh!
Ooh! Uh!
I'm not hurt. Uh!
Uh-oh.
[elephant
trumpets]
Whew. I'm glad
that's over.
Uh!
But i didn't do it.
I swear.
All right,
lord of the dance.
Tell it
to the judge.
I just hope those poor
adorable animals are ok.
[crying]
Get in the wagon,
tinkerbell.
Stop!
That's no fairy!
That's my friend
johnny.
What? You knew it was me?
Of course, johnny.
I'm not an idiot.
What gave me away?
The stupid outfit?
Eating animal pellets?
Starting a stampede?
Uh-huh.
Oh. I guess
i'm pretty lousy
At cheering
people up.
No, you're not,
johnny.
It made me happy
just knowing
You cared enough
to try.
Aw
I guess you're
my bestest
and truest--
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
i get it.
Don't run it
into the ground.
So, i guess you'll be releasing
me, huh, mr. Policeman?
Yeah, right. Now get into
the paddy wagon, dirt bag!
What? No!
It was the llama!
He was
the ringleader!
If all you boys and girls
will clap your hands real hard,
Johnny can make bail.
Get me the lawyer fairy!
Bye, johnny.
I'll write to you.
Hey, kid,
you suzy?
Ah!
The tooth fairy.
You do exist.
Yeah, whatever.
Make with the enamel.
10 cents? That's it?
Boohoo! Come back
when you get
your first crown,
And we'll talk
real cash.
Well, i'm knocking off
for the day.
Come on, morty.
But--but--but--
but--i--i
Look out.
Hyah! Hyuh!
Ooh!
Oh, mama!
A babe!
Mercy.
Whatever.