Johnny Bravo (1997) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Baby!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Sassy!
Man, i'm pretty!
Huh! Hah! Hyah!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Ooh! Ow!
Yeah, whatever.
Luke perry
is so dreamy.
I want to
hug him forever!
I just want to gaze lovingly
into his dreamy eyes.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
He's dreamy.
I want to cut off
a lock of his hair
And clone an army
of luke perrys
To install in
key government
positions!
Oh! I mean
I want to hug him.
Look, girls,
there he is!
[women screaming
and shouting]
Uh, i'm sure you're
the type of ladies
Who'd respect my privacy
and my personal--
Get him!
Oh, johnny,
you're too smart.
Not everyone would buy
a pig hormone off the internet
And put it on
to attract chicks. Hyah!
I guess that's what
separates me from your
average john q. Lunkhead.
[coughing]
Ahh! The great smell of pig.
Oh, sorry, man.
[women screaming
and shouting]
Whoa! It worked!
Hyah! One at a time, ladies.
There's enough johnny
for everyone.
Hyah!
[women gasping]
Hmm.
Must be going home
To slip into something
more comfortable.
I'll, uh
I'll just wait here, then.
Hey, thanks, dude.
You really got me
out of a tight spot.
[gasps]
Hey, you're
fidel castro!
Uh, no. Luke perry.
Right.
What did i say?
UhOk.
Well, listen,
thanks again.
Wait! Don't go!
I'm your biggest fan!
I've modeled my life
after you
And the rest of
the cast of baywatch.
Don't you mean
beverly hills 90210?
Oh, luke perry!
Right.
Well, see ya.
No, wait! Don't go!
Chicks love
your puppy-dog eyes
And james dean-like
vulnerability.
If i could study
at your feet,
My already formidable
chick appeal would be
irresistible!
I don't know, man.
It would take
years of training to master
the secrets of my charm.
Oh, please, please,
please, please, please!
Well, i guess
you did save my life.
Tell you what.
I'll guide you
through one date
luke perry style.
Sweet! Hyah!
You know,
luke perry,
You may just learn
a few things yourself.
[sniffing]
What's that smell?
Oh, that?
I sprayed pig hormone
all over myself
to entice the ladies.
[pigs grunting
and squealing]
Y-y-yeah. Ok.
Ok, johnny.
First, let's study
your moves--
See how you operate.
I'll wait here
behind this tree
While you show me
what you've got.
No problem, luke perry.
And, johnny,
you can just call me luke.
Ok, luke perry.
Now, don't be nervous,
johnny.
It's only huge tv star
luke perry watching you,
Judging your every move.
Hello, miss.
Hello.
UhI'mUh
I know luke perry!
Look!
He's hiding right here
behind this tree!
Aah! Luke perry!
Hold on, johnny.
So how did i do,
luke perry, huh?
How did i do?
Well, johnny,
on a scale of 1-10,
you're an idiot.
Luke perry likes me.
Here's the deal, johnny.
Disguised as
a hot dog vendor,
I'll relay instructions
via the mike in this
mustard dispenser
Directly into
your earpiece.
It's just contrived
enough to work!
Hey, chicky.
Hah! Huh! Hyah!
Hah! Hoo! Huh!
No, johnny.
Excuse me, miss.
My, you're looking
lovely.
Oh, all right,
if you're gonna be all
luke perry about it.
Excuse me, miss.
My, you're looking
lovely.
Oh, how sweet you are.
Hey, this junk works!
Thine eyes are like fire
That rains down from heaven.
Oh!
You've got her now, johnny.
Ask her to go out with you.
So, uh
You want to
go out with me?
No, don't hit me!
I'd love to.
Meet me at
the grande orange
at 8:00.
Really?!
I mean,
see you at 8:00.
She said yes, luke perry!
She said yes!
You did great, johnny.
Now to get out of
this silly outfit
and prepare for tonight.
Thanks--ooh!--Luke perry.
Ooh!--You're my--
Ooh!--Best--ooh!--Friend.
So, tell me all
about yourself, johnny.
Well, when i was 3,
i had a railroad spike
lodged in my--
My life is
a complex pastiche.
My life is
a complex pastiche,
Filled both
with sorrow and joy.
Oh, johnny!
[speaking french]
[speaking
garbled french]
Oh, johnny,
i think i love you!
Well, looks like
my work here is done.
You can take it
from here, johnny.
Nice to have met you, bud.
Thanks, luke perry!
You're a great friend,
luke perry!
Johnny, nooooooo!
[women screaming
and shouting]
Bummer.
[glass breaking]
Ooh!
Now, flap your arms
While raising your right leg
over your head,
And chant as follows:
[speaking native language]
Johnny, i think
we really have
a future together.
Tell me the words
i want to hear.
[speaking instructor's
native language]
Oh, this is just
one big joke to you.
I never want to
see you again!
Wait! Come back!
It was all luke perry's fault.
Hey, i didn't know
my knee could bend that way.
Ha ha! Hyah!
Johnny: Slowly, menacingly,
the dark ninja lord advanced.
Uh-huh. Very interesting,
johnny, but--
First, he attacked
with a vicious double lunge
and leg kick.
Hyah! Huh! Hah!
Hah! Huh! Hi!
Look out!
Uhhhhh!
You yutz!
That's 191 years bad luck!
But then the blow was parried
by rapid-fire monkey fists of
lethalness!
Not my sacred, ancestral
hummel figures!
Hee! Hyah! Hoo!
Hah! Huh! Hah!
Next came
the chrysanthemum
toe thrust!
Hyah! Oh! Aah!
Whoa! Uhh!
Fool!
I just make last payment
on ceremonial tea set.
Finally, the ninja lord
was defeated
By one of them
triple lateral flippin'
somersault things.
Uhh! Hyah! Hah!
No! Not the track lighting!
Uhh!
And that's what happened
on numchuk chicks last night.
Then, on emergency 976--
I don't care about
your stupid tv shows!
Uhh! I think
my spine is broken.
What? This ain't
about you, master hama.
I was supposed
to be bodyguard
At soy harvest parade
this afternoon.
I never make it now.
Bodyguard?!
I'll do it, master hama.
No! Bodyguard
supposed to protect
queen of parade,
Not cause lethal
injury to her.
I'll be good,
i promise.
Here's a move
i learned on lady
the kickboxing collie.
Hyah!
Sorry.
Here. Take security
badge and earpiece.
Just get out of here!
Thanks, master hama.
You won't regret this!
Wise man say,
"big blond idiot like speed bump
on road of life."
Uhh! Ohh!
You're so lucky to be
soy queen, cindy.
What do you hope
to accomplish
during your reign?
An end to hunger and a day when
all the world's weapons will be
completely made of soy.
[knock on door]
Come in!
That's not
the password!
What password?
Aha! You don't know!
Aah!
Ooh! That was
a close one.
There is
no password.
Oh, yeah?
Then why
didn't she tell me
That she knew
that i knew that?
Are you here to unclog
the toilet?
No. I'm here
to protect your life.
Huh! Hah! Hyah!
I see.
Well, why don't you
just sit there quietly
while i finish my face?
Stop! Don't touch that!
From now on,
i taste all your food.
That's not food.
That's my makeup!
Oooougggh. Lipsticky.
Look, do i really need
a bodyguard?
I know you're scared, baby,
But your body is in
good hands with johnny.
Man: Your car's ready,
your majesty.
I've got to go now.
Please don't follow me.
Poor, deluded thing.
She's all worried about
my safety.
I won't let her down.
This is going to be
the best soy harvest
parade float ever!
[wheezing]
Announcer: Well,
it's a beautiful day for
the soy harvest parade.
And here is this year's
soy queen cindy dawson,
Embodying all that's decent
and wholesome about soy
And soy-based
animal protein substitutes.
Hello!
Hi, y'all!
Hello!
Hello there!
Benvenuto!
Domo arigato!
Papa bear to french hen.
The perimeter is secure.
Repeat, the perimeter
is secure.
Man, i wish i had
one of those two-way
wrist radios.
Better scan the crowd
for lowlifes.
Everything looks
on the up and up.
Wait a minute.
What's this?
What have you
got there, kid?
My lunchbox.
And by "lunchbox,"
I guess you mean
high-tech plastic
explosives.
Gimme that!
Careful, johnny. Careful.
Aah! Hmm.
Looks like an ordinary
bologna sandwich.
Ah!
And this sort of
looks like an apple.
And this looks
just like a brownie.
Why, these
plastic explosives
are delicious!
All right, little guy,
i guess you check out.
Sorry for
the inconvenience.
You ruined my lunch!
Jackal to red snapper.
Jackal to red snapper.
Abort mission.
Repeat, abort mission.
And by "soda pop,"
i guess you mean
Canister
of deadly sarin gas.
All: Ooh!
Aah!
Aah! It's one of them
giant alien space pods!
Must be after the queen!
Stay put!
Danger! Get down!
Aah!
Uhh!
Hey!
Helllllp!
Aaahhhhh! Waaaaahhhh!
Owwwwwww!
Oh, mommeeeeeee!
Uhhhh!
Owwie.
The alien--
i can't shake it!
We're doomed!
Aah!
Aah!
Saved your life again.
Aaahhhh!
Noooooo!
Aaaaaahhhhh!
Aaahhhhh!
Aaaaahhhhh!
Oh, my soybean crop
is destroyed,
And it's
all your fault!
[gasp]
Nooooooooo!
Aah!
I took a bean for you.
How about showing me a little
polyunsaturated gratitude?
Owwwww! Ohhhhhh!
Papa bear to french hen.
I need backup!
Ooh! Ooh! Heck!
Ow! Ooh! Oh, man,
that's pain. Ooh!
Consider the turkey,
A creature
so amazingly stupid
It'll stare up at a rainstorm
with its mouth wide open
Until it actually drowns.
What's everybody looking at?
Is it that thing?
Come on, tell me.
I'll be your
best friend.
Oh, i see it now.
No, that's not it.
Aw, come on, guys.
Just give me a hint.
[gurgling]
Hmm.
Hit me.
Ha! 20.
What have you got?
21!
You win again,
my simian friend.
Hey, what's this?
"do not remove
under penalty of law."
Ha ha ha!
What are they gonna do,
arrest me?
You'll never take me
alive, coppers!
It was entrapment!
The monkey set me up!
Actually, we just
wanted to invite you
to a bake sale
We're holding
down at the station.
Oh! Thank you!
But you'll never
take me alive!
Try my delicious
7-layer fudge cake,
dirt bag.
No, thanks.
Pbbbt!
Feelin' lucky, punk?
Maybe later.
[slurp]
You have the right
to enjoy my delicious
strawberry lockups.
Only if you let me
frisk you for the recipe.
You wouldn't be
stupid enough
To harass
an officer of
the law, would you?
Ok. Is she cute
like you?
Inspector
jeanine girard,
46th precinct.
Are you gonna buy
some cookies or not?
I'd love to.
UhCan you lend me
a dollar?
Uhhhhhh!
So, what time
do you get off?
[pager beeping]
Drat! My mother's
about to lawyer up.
I'll be right back.
I'll wait here,
my pistol-packing mamacita.
Hey, mister,
you gonna pay for those?
Who's gonna make me?
Citizen's arrest!
Stop! Cookie thief!
Girard:
What happened here?
Who took my cookies?
I-i-i-i didn't do it.
I-it was a guy.
A guy, huh?
What did he look like?
Well, let's see.
He was about
Uh, he had kind of a
He had two arms!
A two-armed man?
That's the lamest alibi
i've ever heard.
You're under arrest
for cookie theft!
Oh, well, if you
put it that way,
I guess i'll justLeave!
[whistles]
Listen up, people.
I want a hard target search
of the area.
That means every highway,
freeway, causeway, henway--
What's a henway?
Oh, about 3 pounds.
Your fugitive's name
is johnny bravo.
Johnny: Hey,
that's my name.
With my superior intelligence,
eluding her will be easy.
[horns honking]
[johnny whistling]
Ah, my first day
as a pickle truck driver,
And not a single mishap.
Aah!
[gasp]
Aah!
Phew! That was
a close one.
What a waste!
Crunchy, though.
We got
a positive i.D.
By the old
maple syrup
factory.
There's only one way
out of there.
He'll head for
the runoff tunnels.
[sighs]
I'm trapped.
There's no way out!
I wonder
what's on tv tonight?
Hold it
right there, bravo!
I didn't steal
your cookies!
Not that two-armed man
story again.
But i swear!
Hey, if i find
the two-armed man,
will you go out with me?
Hmm. Let me think.
No!
Well, then, forget it.
I give up!
Aaaaahhhhhh!
Stop!
We've lost him.
But i'll pick up his
trail again if it's
the last thing i do!
[johnny muttering
indistinctly]
Nice move,
but you've left
Your queen's
bishop's pawn exposed
on the third level.
Oh! You gotta help me!
They think
i stole the cookies,
But it was the two-armed man
all the time!
I believe you, johnny.
And with my knowledge
of balinese puppeteering,
I'll be able to craft you
the perfect disguise.
Done!
Sweet!
I'll be free
to move around in public
And find
that two-armed guy.
Ok, now you disguise me.
He'll try to reenter
his life somewhere.
Check the diner.
Hunt down the mom.
I want answers, people!
Bravo's on line two.
Put a trace on it.
Gimme that phone.
This bravo?
Hello,
inspector jeanine.
I guess i'm
too smart for you.
Those background noises
sound familiar.
I've compiled a list
of 25 million
two-armed guys
Who are potential
suspects.
They've
traced him.
He's somewhere
in the station.
Johnny: So
i'd appreciate it
If you'd call off
your stupid manhunt.
I've got you now, bravo.
Hey, keep your shirt on, lady.
I'll be off in a minute.
Aaaaaahhhh!
It's him!
It's the two-armed man,
and he's stealing more stuff!
Captain connolly?!
You took my cookies?
I run this precinct.
I can eat whatever
i want.
Well, well.
Looks like you wasted
hundreds of man-hours
tracking down the wrong guy.
Connolly:
Looks like it.
Girard, you're
busted back
to meter maid.
Aw, don't worry.
Life's full of
these little
twists and turns.
So, about me frisking you
for that recipe
[sputtering]
Stop! I know
my rights!
I want my lawyer!
Can't we all
just get along?
[muttering
indistinctly]
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Captioned by the national
--Www.Ncicap.Org--
oh
whoa, mama
aw, babe
mercy
Whatever.