Johnny Bravo (1997) s03e08 Episode Script

Jurassic Dork/Mascot Academy/Full Metal Johnny

1, 2, 3, hyah!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Ooh. Ow.
Yeah, whatever.
la la la la
la la la
I'm a happy, happy boy.
Good for me.
la la la la la
la la la la la la la
Hey, johnny.
Dry ice today?
No time, mr. Giancana.
I'm heading
to the hobby shop
to buy a new model:
The visible weasel.
Look. You can see
his bones and innards
and everything.
Hey, you're right.
I can see right
through that weasel.
Well, take care,
mr. Giancana.
Ok, johnny.
Dry ice.
Get it while
it's dry.
Get it while
it's ice.
oh, hmm buh deeba doh ah
That must be the hobby shop.
I can't believe
they used to make
planes like this.
Hey, look. They made a mistake.
They put some guy's head
on a world war ii
german biplane.
I'll just fix it for them.
Hey. Stop, you.
Hobby shop guy.
Now i'm in trouble.
I'll just grab one
of these model kits
and split.
Hey, sarge.
He took one of
the dinosaur eggs.
Eh, don't worry.
Those eggs
are fossilized.
The odds
of its hatching
are a million to one.
Oh, it's getting warmer.
Oh, i can feel life inside.
Johnny: Mama, give me
back my model kit.
But it's so vulnerable
and starved for affection.
No, it's not.
Now go watch
your wrestling.
This is my time.
Wrestling? Think fast.
Now let's see.
How do you get
this thing open?
What would
a crusty, one-legged
sea captain do?
Arrgh. Smash it
on the table and crack it
open like a walnut.
Thanks, captain.
Unngh. Huh?
I can't believe it.
It's incredible,
This model kit comes
with a free baby hamster.
Hey there,
little guy.
I think
i'll call you
mr. Wuggles.
He's a leathery hamster.
Yes, he is. Yes, he is.
Hey. Come back here, you.
Johnny, what's going on here?
Look, mama.
I got a free,
adorable house pet.
Oh, wonderful.
And who do you suppose
is going to end up
feeding it, walking it,
And taking care of it?
I'd love to.
Where is
the little fella?
I can't wait
to smother him
with love.
Mr. Wuggles?
Where did he go?
Bad. Bad hamster.
Don't eat the lawn furniture.
Drop it. Drop it.
Look, boy.
A stick. Fetch.
Ha! He thinks
he's a dog.
Bad. Bad hamster.
Now our rates
are going to go up.
You're a bad,
bad, bad, bad
This won't end well.
[speaking mock swedish]
Yeah! Oh. Get him.
Get him.
Mama? Do we
have anything
That would counteract
a highly corrosive
digestive enzyme?
Johnny: My, how you've grown
in the last few weeks,
mr. Wuggles.
Now let's get you
some hamster food.
There you go.
Fresh, organic
Just as green
and crispy
as you please.
But you got
to eat your
How do you expect
to keep your coat
all tough and leathery?
No, mr. Wuggles! No!
We have to take a number.
N-n-number 15?
That's us.
[butcher screams]
[tearing noises]
Save room for dinner now.
la la la la la
la la
Johnny? Johnny?
Huh. There doesn't
seem to be anybody--
You've got a living,
breathing specimen
of a humongousaurus rex.
Is that
the scientific
name for hamster?
Johnny, you don't
What you've got there
is an honest-to-goodness,
real, live--
Look. I'd love to
stand here jabbering
with you,
But i got to take
mr. Wuggles
for his walk.
I've got to get
my camera so i can
record this for science.
Heel. Heel, mr. Wuggles.
Cordon off the perimeter.
We've got to destroy
that monster.
Wait, susan!
That's general.
Right. What did i say?
Excuse me, son,
but we're really busy.
You've got to give
me a chance to calm
mr. Wuggles down.
I've raised him
since he was a baby.
Well, your story
has touched all
our hearts, son.
Get out there
and do your best.
Thank you, sir.
You won't be sorry.
Arm the missile.
it's not easy being a giant,
leathery hamster
with your sharp fangs,
your horrible breath,
and scaly skin
and feeling like
you don't fit in
Aw, mr. Wuggles. I love you.
The kid did it.
Come on, you big galoot.
Let's go get us
a couple of root beers.
General: Stop!
Stop this cartoon!
In the interest of decent,
wholesome tv viewing,
I have been asked to inform you
that no army personnel were
harmed in the making of this--
Announcer: It's fourth and ten.
Here's the snap.
Oh! It looks like another broken
femur for the fourth-round
draft pick from kansas state.
Ah. I love football.
The way the cheerleaders
bounce up and down,
The way the cheerleaders
wave their pom-poms,
The way the cheerleaders
yell and scream when those
people in the helmets
Throw that ball thingy around
Man, i wish
i was a football player.
[marching band playing
on wisconsin]
[dogs barking]
[crowd cheers]
Announcer: Hey, couch jockey.
Want to date cheerleaders
like this, but have
little or no athletic ability?
Announcer: Then it's time
you enter the exciting world
of sports mascots.
Learn such crowd-pleasing antics
as the hip wiggle,
The phony bucket of water
And the ever-popular
pantsing the ref.
Will i be the life
of the party, surrounded
by beautiful chicks?
Announcer: UhSure.
I'm in!
Man: Today, you
enter into a proud
and hallowed tradition.
The goofy animal suit
that you will choose
in a moment
Will mark you forever
with the proud name
of "mascot."
Choose carefully,
For your costume
will be to you as
a friend, a sister,
A goofy,
foam rubber costume.
Mascot: I thought
i was going
to start crying.
Ah. The proud,
noble fish head.
Many are the teams
you and i will
Urge on to victory,
my scaly friend.
Who's got gills?
We do.
Who's got scales?
We do.
Who's got a shiny gelatinous
outer coating to screen out
harmful bacteria?
We do!
Yay, team! Woo!
I killed, didn't i?
What a positively
pathetic performance.
Step aside,
bottom feeder.
Who's the donkey
with the attitude?
That's kent stevens.
He's the big mascot
on campus.
He already has offers
from 3 nfl teams
and 2 stud farms.
Yeah, well
He should be
groomed for lice.
[electronic dance music]
Big deal.
I don't see it.
Nothing special.
Stud: I guess you've been boned
and filleted, fish boy.
Whoa! Oof!
Who left a fishy,
gelatinous slime
on the ground?
It was him.
You scaly idiot.
You made me
throw a shoe.
I'm going
to be out for
the next 3 weeks.
Aw, gee. That's
too bad, glue boy.
I'll get you, bravo.
I don't know where,
i don't know when,
But mark my words,
i'll get you.
Oh, don't get
your fetlocks
in a tizzy.
Come on, everybody.
I have the feeling
mascot school is going
to be the best time ever.
Johnny: Ha ha! Got you last.
Ooh. Ohh. Ha ha!
And so i say to you,
the graduating class
of mascot academy,
Your checks have cleared.
Good luck to you all.
Mascots: Hooray!
Hey, everybody.
Our acceptance letters
are posted.
I've been drafted
by the lions!
I'm with the cougars!
The penguins! Yes!
What the heck is a capybara?
Hola, johnny.
Welcome to the team.
Yeah, listen.
I think there's
been some sort
of clerical error.
See, i'm a big,
stinky fish head.
Well, the capybara
is a shy,
elusive creature,
Not unlike
a rotting
fish head.
As a graduate of the
prestigious academy
of mascot science,
I will do my best
to bring honor
and distinction
To your illustrious
Announcer: It's a beautiful day
here at el raton stadium,
As the stallions lead
the capybaras 25-20.
[angry yelling]
Who's got gills?
Who's got fins?
Hey. Not on the face.
Come on.
It's the fish head.
Oh, the oats that fill
the feed bag of vengeance
are sweet.
This stinks.
I'm going to hit on
Now to bait my hook.
Bees here.
Get your africanized
killer bees.
One please.
Hey, baby.
I'm the mascot.
Hyah! Huh!
How's about you and
me forming a human
pyramid of love?
[spanish accent]
you are no mascot.
The true mascot
whips the crowd
into a frenzy of passion.
You make them
cranky and irritable
With your fishy baseness
and mediocre dance stylings.
So if i inspire
the team to victory,
you'll go out with me?
Probably not.
I'll do it!
All right, crowd.
I don't like you,
and you don't like me,
But let's do this
for the team!
Give me a--
The mascot has
whipped the crowd
into a frenzy.
Onward to victory.
[sound of tires screeching]
[sound of car crash]
We win!
Who's the mascot?
Hyah! Huh!
I'm the mascot.
Hoo! Hah!
Hey, baby.
I whipped
the crowd
into a frenzy.
How about a little
post-game huddle?
I represent a little team called
the st. Louis bee sting victims.
How would you like
to be our mascot?
today, i consider myself
The luckiest bee sting victim
On the face of the earth.
Here's your
i.D. Bracelet.
Here's a compass
in case you
get lost.
I'm just going
next door to borrow
a cup of sugar.
Mrs. Krelvin?
Open up.
It's me, johnny.
Ah, fantasy dodgeball camp.
A chance to hone my skills
with the greats:
Flathead morgan,
nosebleed mcgee,
whiplash willie ferguson.
Huh! Ha!
Oh! My eye!
What are you looking at?
Aw, man. Lines
are for losers.
Excuse me, kid.
Hey. No cutsies.
Sorry, i can't
hear you.
I'm much taller
and stronger
than you are.
Besides, you dodgeball
amateurs couldn't hit
the broad side of something
Really broad.
When i returned,
mary jo and the car
were gone.
Time to get back to congress
and spin around in my chair.
Waah. Whoa.
I hear you're looking
for a few good men.
Are you willing
to lay your life
on the line
To serve and protect
your country?
I like dodgeball.
Good answer.
Go get your checkup.
Say, "ahh."
I admire his
killer instinct.
Give him
the psych test.
Ink blot.
Hey, it's tony,
the little man who
lives in my mouth.
Son, you are
deeply disturbed
and highly unstable.
Oh, what the heck?
Welcome aboard.
You mean,
to fantasy dodgeball
camp, right?
[metal grinding]
I am your drill instructor
sergeant trixie!
For the next 6
weeks, you are
not even human.
You are the lowest
form of life
on the planet.
Not true.
I've got opposable
thumbs and everything.
Who said that?
Who is the brainless,
Son of a brush
who said that?
It was him.
Johnny, high voice:
And i'm not pencil-necked,
thank you very much.
What is your
name, private?
Johnny bravo,
Hey, how's about
you and me heading
over to the px
For a little
chipped beef
on johnny?
Listen up,
weed whacker.
From now on,
your name is sister
mary clueless.
Please, call me mary.
What's wrong, private?
Are you experiencing
some discomfort?
Aww. Do you want
your mama?
Mama? Where?
Mama, help!
I'm trapped
in boot camp.
Save me!
you are the most
worthless piece
Of primordial ooze
i have ever seen,
But i'll give you
one chance
to prove yourself.
Try to overcome me.
How nice of you
to join me, my little
non-commissioned mamacita.
You know, you've got
some of the prettiest
battle scars i've ever seen.
Can i freshen
your root beer?
Clambake, over that wall.
No-neck, up that rope.
Go, go, go, go!
Bravo, leap
that gap.
But i'm scared.
Bravo, if you don't
leap that gap,
I will personally
rip your head off
And plant posies
in your neck!
My sergeant makes
a forceful argument.
Ooh! Mud people!
Help! Save me!
Ooh, squishy.
Bravo, you sorry
sack of chef salad,
Get back
to the starting line
And do the whole
course again.
Aw, man. This stinks.
Perhaps i can put
this obstacle course
To better use.
Sergeant: Pork boy,
thumbs, no-neck,
Why are you standing
around like a bunch of
What in sam hill happened
to my obstacle course?
Johnny: oh, pretty
little maid am i, am i
pretty little maid am i
This army stuff ain't so bad.
Hey, it's almost
time for my soaps.
[pounding on door]
Sergeant: Bravo,
you open this door!
Johnny: I'm afraid
i can't do that.
And why not?
You didn't say
the secret
clubhouse password.
Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
Ok, i get
the point.
By the way,
the password
was "salami."
Sergeant trixie to h.Q.
The opposing team
has taken the offensive
in the war games.
I've lost clambake
and bravo.
Please advise.
We haven't lost
bravo, sergeant.
He's right
over there.
Ah. There's nothing like
a nice, relaxing picnic.
Oh, you guys are
probably looking
for my team.
They're right over there
behind those rocks.
Tell sergeant trixie
i said hi.
I think she likes me.
Now, let's see, i
Oh, dang. I forgot napkins.
Boys, i'm afraid they've
got us fair and square.
Sergeant, look!
Yoo hoo. Hello.
Does anyone have any mustard?
I mean the yellow kind.
I find the brown kind
too gritty.
Bravo has captured
the enemy flag.
We win!
Bravo, you're
not as stupid
as i thought.
You're a soldier.
It's a good thing,
Because i was getting
pretty tired of cleaning
out the latrines
With this really
strong soap.
You idiot!
That's not soap.
That's nitroglycerin.
Yes. And it leaves
a clean piney scent.
Thank goodness the army
finally recognized my abilities
And gave me this plush,
cushy assignment.
[teeth chattering]
Hey. Only 3 more months
until morning.
[teeth chattering]
Johnny: Look out.
[guitar playing]
Johnny: Huh! Huh!
A babe.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode