Johnny Bravo (1997) s03e11 Episode Script

A Walk on the Stupid Side/Lone Star Bravo/Toy Boy Johnny

Man, i'm pretty.
Hyah! Ha! Huh!
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Ooh! Ah!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Johnny: It's been 3 days
since the fourth wall collapsed.
I cling feebly to life.
SuddenlyA shaft of light!
Freedom beckons
If i can only
Yes! I live!
I am the miracle baby!
Hey, there's still a slice
of pepperoni left.
Hi, johnny.
Aah! Angel of death!
I thought i'd eluded
your grasp. Oof!
No, johnny.
It's me, susie.
I come bearing
a wonderful opportunity.
Oh, no. I ain't buyin'
any more junk bonds
off of you.
No, johnny.
I've come to ask you
to take part in
The annual walk
against baldness.
Sounds fascinating.
Go away.
All you have to do
is get someone
To pledge money for
every mile you walk.
The longer you walk,
the more money you raise
to fight hairlessness.
So why don't you do it?
I would, but i'm
still tuckered out
From last week's
trot for liver spots.
Let's see.
Walk in the hot sun
for a bunch of bald guys
For no good reason
Uh, let me think
about it.
I'll have my people
get back to you.
Did i mention that
the race is being organized
By a group of concerned,
shapely supermodels?
I'll do it!
Good! And i'll be
your first sponsor.
Put me down for
a penny a mile.
What?! I gotta walk
a whole mile?
Oh, johnny, you have
such strong calf muscles.
I'll do it!
Sir, are you here
to sign up for
the race?
Oh, yes.
I think it's wonderful
to give one's time to
such a worthy cause.
Yes. I'm very anxious
to walk against the bald.
For too long,
they've infiltrated
our schools,
Filling our children's minds
with their dangerous notions.
I don't think
you understand.
Say, baby, how about
after this walkathon,
You and me have
a loveathon?
Here. Let me pin
your number on.
Hey, that's my lucky--
And here.
You'll be needing this.
So, is this the map
to the stupid race?
You know, sweet cakes,
if you want to see me
again sooner,
You could show me
the shortcut.
Good idea.
See this part
Where everyone else
goes straight?
You go left.
So, if i win,
you'll go out with me?
I'd rather eat
live sea urchins.
Ooh! Uhh!
Sounds good.
You make the reservations.
I'll be back
before you can say,
"hey, that guy's back."
[duck quacking]
So long, suckers!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ah, the agony
of the fallen arch,
The drama of the
painful blister.
If there's anything
more exciting than
a 1-k walkathon,
I don't know
what it is.
Something's wrong.
I can feel it.
A mother knows.
Tv announcer: And so
all the runners are in
Except for one clueless schnook
who took a wrong turn
And walked 3,100 miles
off course.
So, i make
a right at the
saguaro cactus
And keep going
past the butte?
What an idiot!
I think it's safe to say
That the only people
stupider than this guy
Are the people
who sponsored him.
Ha ha ha!
What a bunch of dupes!
Carl, we all
sponsored johnny.
And if he keeps
going at this rate,
We're gonna owe
$3.6 billion.
Aah! That's more than
$3.5 billion!
We've got to stop him!
Ok, kids, let's split up.
Maybe i'll goThis way.
There seems to be
a little flooding along
the walkathon route.
Hi, johnny!
Carl, what are
you doing here?!
Johnny, you're in
the middle of
the pacific ocean.
You've gotta
turn back.
And stop the walk
against baldness?
Oh, i get it.
You're in with
the bald people!
What did they offer you?
Gum? Nylons? Tiny radios?
I'm sorry, johnny,
but this is for
your own good.
Air jets. Cool!
Drat! I failed.
Chow dog
to mother hen.
I've lost
the target.
Mama: You can't do
any more there, carl.
Return to base.
Johnny: Oh, no!
Those bald people built
a 1,000-mile wall to
keep me from finishing.
The engineering skill
of the bald is highly overrated.
Mama: Johnny,
over here!
You must be hungry
after your little walk.
How about a bloating, heavy,
sleep-inducing meal
That'll stop you
in your tracks?
No time, mama.
It's about
a little thing
called perseverance,
A little thing
called endurance.
A little--
ooh, egg rolls!
You must be exhausted,
Let's call a cab,
and i'll take you home.
No time, mama. Anyway,
i'm feeling kind of peppy.
Got any fortune cookies?
Ok, too bad. Gotta go.
I don't believe it!
70 pounds of shrimp
in black bean sauce,
And he's still going.
Wait a minute.
These aren't black beans.
They're coffee beans!
It's like some horrible
sitcommy mix-up.
Susie: Small fry
to mother hen.
Small fry to
mother hen.
Target is now entering
african continent.
Mama: You've got to
stop him, susie.
You're our last hope!
You can count on me!
[tarzan yell]
[johnny gasps]
A herd of giant,
bald men!
I'll have to
wrestle them
To the ground
one by one.
I'd better change
my socks
To improve
my traction.
Ok, come at me!
Hyah! Ha! Huh!
Oh, that's right.
Sure, run away.
You're just a bunch
of baldy bald guys
Wallowing in
your own balditude.
Aah! Pygmy! Aah!
We failed.
I'll have to sell the house.
Don't worry, mama.
Debtors' prisons aren't
the horror they once were.
Here comes johnny.
The finish line!
I knew that if i continued
to persevere--
Johnny didn't make it.
Now we don't have to pay
$3.6 billion.
[johnny snoring]
Mama: Let's get you
to bed, little man.
Gentlemen, our worldwide
conspiracy continues.
Man on tv:
Oh, after me
pot o' gold, eh?
Taste clover, paddy!
Second man on tv:
Oh, my gold! Ow!
Ooh, begorra!
Oh, me eye! Oh, dear!
Oh, that's unpleasant,
ye filthy potato eater!
Johnny: What?!
No more video games,
You know
thursday night
is our time.
But, mama, i was playing
battle leprechauns.
Come on, young man.
You know spending
quality time together
Is the only thing
that keeps us from
each other apart!
Oh, all right,
As long as we don't look
at family albums again.
Let's see.
How about edition 12,
volume 846?
Oh, uh, mama, i just
remembered my appendix
burst, so i'd better--
Park it, young man.
Now, let's see.
Ha ha ha! Look!
Here's your
benedict bravo
Betraying us
to the british.
And here's your
distant cousin
vasco da bravo
Setting out to discover
the fountain of youth.
Here he is years later,
old, poor, and friendless.
What's that, mama?
Oh, my! That's
the badge belonging to
Your great-grandpappy
lone star bravo.
Yeah, that's great.
Well, i'm gonna go
get a taco.
Sit down, young man.
It was an untamed time,
Filled with greed,
And skinny deputies
with high, nasal voices.
Citizens of moist rock,
As y'all know,
the last 54 sheriffs
Have been girlie-slapped
and run out of town
By the vicious hombre
salad fork dan.
Who will step forward
and bring the rule
of law to our town?
And be the 55th
dang fool sheriff?
Why, a fella'd have
to be plumb crazy.
Hee hee hee!
Hee hee hee!
Aw, come on, people.
I'll throw in
this free canvas tote bag.
I'd love to
help you out,
But salad fork dan's
the saloon's
best customer
And a darn good
Oh, woe is us!
Where, oh, where is the brave,
handsome lawman
Who will take our town back from
salad fork dan?
[johnny humming]
Johnny, would you
stop singing that
annoying song?
Now, you wait here
while i run in
And fetch them fancy
support garments
i hear tell about.
Now's my chance to meet some of
them frontier honeys.
Huh! Hyah!
Well, slap my saddlebags!
Hey, tall, dark,
and buckskinny,
How about we go
back to my home
on the range
And i show you
how the deer and
the antelope play?
You know, that's why
chicks will never get
the vote.
Hey there,
burly mountain man.
Want to be sheriff?
No way.
My mama told me about you
fast-talking city folk
Taking innocent mountain men
and making them sheriffs.
Oh, too bad.
Chicks dig sheriffs.
I'm in!
that was easy.
Let's clean
this town up!
All right, you.
I'll give you till sundown
to get out of town.
Oh, all right.
I'll let you off
with a warning.
Oh, no!
Look at all these
You know, i guess we just
can't have nice things
around these here parts.
Keeping the peace gives me
a powerful thirst.
Hey, barkeep,
and keep 'em comin'.
Hey there, new sheriff.
Care for a little game
of chance?
Sure, pops.
Guess which hand
the silver dollar's in.
I'll give you a hint.
It's the left hand.
Too bad.
Better luck next time.
I'm just not lucky.
Man: Where's
the new sheriff
i heard about?
It's salad fork dan!
He's the guy who did in
all 54 of your predecessors!
Now, see, that's
a bit of information
I could have really
used before i took
the job.
Do somethin', sheriff!
Well, look what
we got here.
Moist rock's got itself
a new sheriff.
Sheriff? Oh.
Oh, you mean the star.
No, no, no.
I, uh--i just like
to accessorize.
There's only one thing
i hate worse than a sheriff.
And that's when
you order a poached egg,
and they break the yolk,
And it's all gettin' on
your bacon.
And then there's that piece
of parsley on the plate.
And i'm like, "why would
i want to eat a tiny tree?
What am i, some kind
of dang monkey?"
Uh, where was i again?
You were about to get on
a train to chicago.
Right. Ok, bye.
Be sure to write!
[train whistle blowing]
Oh, boy. Look at all
the tall buildings!
Say your prayers,
Aren't you gonna
tuck me in first?
Well, ok. I--
Stop! I won't let you
hurt another sheriff!
At least, not in here
around all this glass
and period furniture.
I guess
you're right.
Sheriff, i'll meet
you in the street
at high noon.
Ooh, that's no good for me.
How's 3:00?
Noon it is.
Ha ha ha!
Ok, lunchtime.
I brought cheesesteaks.
I hope you brought the chips.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is finger food.
Look. I'll show you.
[bugle playing charge]
Drop that fork!
Mama, you brought
the cavalry!
Yes. Well, i never
gave up my commission
in hooker's regiment.
Take him away,
Our town is saved!
Ma'am, how'd you like to be
our new sheriff?
But what will
johnny do?
He can be spittoon boy
at pops' place.
Spittoon boy?!
No way.
I'm outta here.
It'll help you
meet chicks.
I'm in!
And that's how the bravos helped
settle the west,
Where they crowded the plains
and performed low, menial tasks.
Not now, mama.
Only 3 more leprechauns,
and i win the gold shillelagh!
Of course, the gene pool
has shallowed out a bit
since then.
Narrator: Thus we see
how man has evolved
To realize his ultimate
modern potential.
Hyah! Huh! Hyah!
Hey, how come
he gets a banana?
Mmm. Banana.
Man: Hello, children.
Welcome to the headquarters
of the zammo toy company,
Where we research
and develop some of
your most cherished toys.
Don't touch
At zammo
Our aim is
to develop the
brand loyalty
That turns you all
into mindless
and obedient drones.
I won't stand for it!
It's outrageous!
The jujitsu chop on
this g.I. Jim doll
is much too weak.
See? That should have
easily blunted your skull.
I demand my mama's
money back!
And now, the toy sensation
that'll make me rich--
I mean, bring happiness to
all the world's children.
I give you the crazy wheels
remote-control race car!
Oh, i know what
you're thinking.
He'll forget all about
the jujitsu chop
As soon as his
short attention span
Kicks in and--uhh!
Hey, toy cars!
Watch as i demonstrate
the turbo-torqued
Power parallel
parking action!
Johnny: No, no, no.
You're doing it all wrong.
Stop, you fool!
Push the throttle to 11!
Set the controls to
the heart of the sun!
[tires screeching]
[children screaming]
[high-pitched voice]
i love you, fluffy unicorn.
[deep voice]
i love you, too, sally.
Can i brush your hair?
Johnny: Gangway!
what's going on?
Why does this fella
have remote-control
cars on his feet?
Uh, i'm sorry, sir.
I'll call security immediately.
Security, nothing!
Why don't you call
the guy
Who makes the medals
for great ideas instead?
I love it!
i don't know you,
And i'm not familiar
with your work,
But i'm gonna make you
a vice president!
B-b-but, sir
I'm busting you
back to coffee boy.
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
I have
a ballet lesson.
tra la la la la
i'm the vice president
of a toy company
i'm the vice president
of a toy company
Oh! Whoa! Uhh!
Ooh, laugh now,
my big-haired friend,
But soon i, trent burdock,
will be top dog ag--
Hey, coffee boy,
stop muttering
to yourself
And get me
a cappuccino.
Yes, sir.
12 noon. Ha ha ha!
I guess that stupid buffoon
isn't going to show.
My position with this company
is secure.
Well, i'm here.
Hyah! Ha!
Let's get started.
UhYes, sir.
I thought
i'd spend today
Teaching you about
the ins and outs of--
Get out of my chair,
then make me a cup of
coffee with 8 sugars.
Then throw it out
and make it again because
it's still not sweet enough!
Ok, but let me remind
you that if you don't
come up with
A new toy idea by
the end of the day,
You'll be fired!
What?! And lose
my reserved parking space?
Look! It's
It's mr. Happy pencil
And his friend
A magic box of paper clips!
What child in his right mind
wouldn't want one?
Carl: Hi, johnny.
I heard you were
zammo's new wunderkind,
So i figured i'd come by
and pitch some amazingly
cool toy ideas.
Behold the joy and wonder
ofThe single-piece
jigsaw puzzle!
Too hard.
Nobody can solve that.
Then how's about
Baby's first lettuce farm?
Just break the lettuce up
and watch them create
their own society.
Look, they're pollinating
the queen.
Yeah, that's fascinating.
You've been a great help.
Wait! I haven't shown you
mr. Radish face!
Well, what have
you got for me?
I'm afraid
golden boy here
has laid an egg.
Is that a mr. Radish face
you're holding?
Hello, guy who makes
the medals.
Call your friend
who makes the trophies.
It was all my idea,
Along with the one-piece
jigsaw puzzle
And baby's first
lettuce farm.
Look, they're pollinating
the queen!
Kid, you're a genius!
If you can come up
with a big hit for
the holiday season,
I'll adopt you
and make you my son!
Now, focus group,
you hated tommy deer tick
with bloodsucking action,
You despised
the refried bean babies,
And you simply loathed
happy time watch-and-learn
drool cup.
So let me know
how you like this one.
I give you slick-and-sassy
travel iron
With hot steam action.
[steam hissing]
Remember, the blue button means
you like it,
And the red button sends
a surge of electricity
through your little bodies.
Fine. Then be gone,
all of you!
That's right.
Get out of here!
Ha ha ha ha!
I'm afraid
you don't figure
to be in the action
At this company
come christmas,
eh, johnny?
Why, you little--
wait a minute.
That's it!
I'll make an action
figure of myself
for the holidays!
What could be
more magical
Than getting
the gift of me?
You, get me some tea!
Then throw it out
and get me some coffee.
I hate tea!
Now, let's see.
If i were a toy,
what would i look like?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the hottest
toy sensation
Of the christmas season--
The johnny 3000!
Say, thanks.
Gimme another!
I'm pretty!
[crowd oohing and aahing]
Johnny, your toy is
the hit of the convention.
I have half a mind to
hollow out my body
So you can live
inside me!
By the way,
i couldn't figure out
how to make 'em go,
So i just used
the destructo chips
from the g.I. Jim doll.
[people screaming]
Did i mention
it was his idea?
Aah! Get 'em off me!
Whaaaa! Aaahhhh!
I love the holidays.
Look out.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Captioned by the national
Whoa, mama!
Ah, babe!
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