Johnny Bravo (1997) s03e14 Episode Script

Lodge Brother Johnny/Chain Gang Johnny/Lumberjack Johnny

One, two, three, ha!
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me!
Come on!
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
Hey, pops!
Dollar chili
and keep it coming.
Sorry, johnny,
we're closing up
early tonight.
Really? Why?
Where are you going?
We were gonna go
Chase butterflies.
Not chase butterflies!
We've gotta see
What's his name?
Over at
The place!
Right, the place.
Strange, squirrelly behavior?
Secret handshakes?
They must be going to meet
danish chicks!
I'm gonna follow them!
The sum of the whole
is equal to the square
of the parts.
The sum of the whole
is equal to the square
of the parts.
I like pie!
A yule seeing eye
of the seventh sun
We are one with the flaky
crust of all that is.
For we are
the brotherhood of the gnu.
Gnu, gnu, gnu, gnu
Ok. Cider's ready.
Here, brother,
quaff deep
From the elixir
of fellowship.
Thanks. So, uh,
ven do da danish chicks
show up, you betcha?
He's danish! Get him!
Get off of me you
gnu-hat-wearing yahoos!
Johnny! What are you
doing at our secret
lodge meeting?
Don't hurt me!
Too late, johnny.
You've witnessed
the secret rituals
Of the grand high order
of the gnu.
According to our ancient bylaws,
We're going to have to
erase your mind!
Fetch me the fez
of forgetfulness.
Sorry, johnny,
this is gonna
sting a little.
Wait, pops, no!
Why don't we just let
johnny join the lodge?
You can't join the gnus
unless a loved one is a member.
I love johnny.
He's like a brother to me.
do you love carl?
Well, if by love you mean
a sick feeling of nausea
and revulsion, then yes.
Welcome to
the herd, son.
Sweet! Bring on the danish
chicks and cream soda!
I'm afraid it's not
that easy, johnny.
First you have to
undergo the secret
ritual of initiation.
For your first task,
You must prove
strength of character
and self-control
By eating just one
potato chip.
No problem.
Mmm. Greasy.
Brother hank, care
for a handful of
Give me those chips!
Oh. Were we starting?
Right. Time to
erase his memory.
Wait, pops. Can't we
give him one more chance?
I'm sorry, carl,
but the immutable
laws of the gnus
Explicitly state that
Ah, crud,
give him another shot.
Now, johnny,
You must prove
you'll be a patient
and considerate gnu
By listening to brother
ernie's long, boring story
About a couch he
and his wife bought.
Sounds easy enough.
All right, old-timer,
let 'er rip!
Well, johnny, as you
may or may not know,
My wife and i have
always liked catalogues.
Make it stop!
I can't take it anymore!
So, when we decided to
buy a couch
It was horrible, pops.
His eyes were all
black and dead like
a doll's eyes.
Say good-bye to
the brain.
I invoke the cunitha!
Not the cunitha!
Not the cunitha!
What's the cunitha?
Only the most
dangerous and perilous
ritual we have.
If you survive it,
you become an instant brother.
Will it muss my hair?
Let it be done!
Let the ritual begin!
Oh! Oh! Huh! Hey!
Come on,
watch the hair, now.
Oh. What a pretty flower.
Hey, hey,
that's not funny.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
don't mind if i do.
Well done!
Oh, you got something
on your shirt.
Oh, really?
Congratulations, son,
You are now a member
of the brotherhood
of the gnu.
Bring on the danish
chicks and cream soda.
Debbie chang,
channel 5 news.
Pops, is it true you're
the head of a super secret cult
That worships wildebeests
and screams at the moon?
How did you get in here?
I invited them, pops.
Come on debbie,
let me show you around.
That's the fez
of forgetfulness,
And over there
is carl's stupid gong,
And there's
brother ernie.
He's a powerful
and boring wizard.
We like root beer
and danish chicks
And our secret password
is "i like pie."
I hereby disband
the brotherhood of the gnu
And replace it with
the order of the marmoset.
All those wishing to join
Must beat the sap
out of johnny!
Ok, i don't like this.
Ooh, get the anesthesia.
Ooh, that is gonna
leave a mark right there.
Watch the hair.
Oh, man. I want to be
a marmoset, really.
And stay out!
Johnny, you're
not supposed to read
In funny voices
while making hand
shadows on the screen.
Well, excuse me,
but that movie really bit.
That was the worst 7 hour
black and white documentary
On moody danish people
i've ever seen.
Hmmm. What's that smell?
Can it be the fatty
chemical waste dumps
of lodi, new jersey?
No! It's the stupid movie
carl took me to!
For your information,
it was rich in symbolism.
It was rich in
boring me to death.
Oh, yeah? Well,
you're stupid!
No, you're stupid.
Well you're stupider.
No, you're stupider
than stupider.
You know why?
Because you don't even
know how to spell stupid.
Hey, morty,
we're looking for
two perpetrators
And those are two guys.
Is that a coincidence,
or what?
Good thinking, mike.
Let's take 'em down.
Well you're stupid
times 10.
Yeah? Too bad it's
opposite day.
It is not.
Is so.
All right,
you two kumquats,
you're under arrest.
I wasn't talking
during the movie.
I was just moving my lips
and noises started coming out.
Quiet, johnny.
We have the right
to remain silent.
It was carl!
He's an international
cattle rustler
And he doesn't recycle.
You dirt bags
are going away
for a long time.
I think not!
These trumped-up charges
Will never withstand
the sterilizing sunlight
Of our american justice
Wow, carl, the 26 month
media circus surrounding our
trial was really something.
I don't think
it helped us.
Welcome to stinking bog
correctional facility.
America's correctional facility.
Trying to escape will
get you time in the box.
Talking back to the guards
will get you time in the box.
Inhaling oxygen and converting
it to carbon dioxide
Will get you time in the box.
Hey, warden mama.
My name's 864129,
but you can call me 8.
How'd you like to spend
Some not-so-solitary
confinement with
yours truly?
What we have here is
a failure to communicate!
What we have here is
a failure to communicate.
Oh, i'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I said what we have here
is a fail--d'oh!
That's it. It's time
in the box for you.
Wait. Not the box.
I beseech you,
anything but the box.
Where's your decency?
Where's you humanity?
And you're going
in there with him!
I get dibs on
the breathing hole.
Not the box!
Sweet, merciful heavens,
not the box!
I'll see you boys
in 17 days.
Well, let's see how
our boys are doing
After 17 days in the box.
Hey, you're just
in time for the pinata.
Hi, warden.
I hope you don't mind,
We knocked out
the south wall
for a patio,
And johnny took up
the linoleum tiling
And found beautiful
hardwood floors.
That's it! From now on i'm gonna
make your lives a living heck.
Make them big rocks
into little rocks!
That ain't so bad.
Then, when you're done,
Paste them back
into big rocks!
Well, that is
kind of annoying.
Then i want you to break 'em
down into little ones again!
That's it! I can't
take it anymore.
Shh, johnny,
i have a plan.
It's just
crazy enough to work.
You haven't heard it yet.
Talk, talk, enough talk.
I need action.
Ok, dear.
We're leaving now.
The convicts can
stay up till 8:00
If they do their
Feel free to eat anything
in the refrigerator.
We'll be at
the plicksker's.
Their phone number
is on the pad next
to the phone.
But no long distance
phone calls.
Oh, i don't think the convicts
will be any trouble.
They're usually
perfect little angels.
Ha. Sweet, carl.
I didn't think your
stupid plan would work.
Oh, they're such
a cute couple.
Wait a minute, i'm not
a baby-sitter. I'm the
Ratso-fatso! Guards!
[alarms sounding]
Quick, johnny,
into this fetid swamp.
Did that work, carl?
Well, johnny,
the bad news is
We're covered with
The good news is
we'll be cleansed
of evil humors.
Sweet. I meanAhhh!
Ahhh! Ahhh!
We're trapped.
Not quite, carl.
I've been
studying the tides.
By clinging to
these coconuts,
We can ride every
seventh wave out to sea
And reach landfall
in nicaragua and freedom!
I don't know, johnny.
It'll be fine.
You go first.
You did it, johnny.
We escaped. We're free!
[police radio]
Hey, morty,
now we're looking for
two other perpetrators,
And there's two new guys.
Good thinking.
Let's take 'em down.
[sirens blaring]
What we have here is
a failure to communicate.
Uh, say again?
I said what we have here
is a failure--d'oh!
No, no, really.
I didn't catch it.
Maybe if you'd enunciate
a little more.
Have you ever considered
speech therapy?
Ooh, not the hair.
Leave the hair alone. Ooh!
Consider the turkey,
A creature so amazingly stupid
It'll stare up at a rainstorm
with its mouth wide open
Until it actually drowns.
Hey, what's everybody
looking at?
Is it that thing?
Come on, tell me.
I'll be your best friend.
Oh, i see it now.
No, that's not it.
Oh, come on, guys.
Just give me a hint.
Hey, pops,
sitting on my butt
Watching the cartoon
network all day
Has giving me
a hungry man's appetite.
You're in luck, johnny.
In honor of
the annual lumberjack
competition in town,
I'm serving up a variety
of hearty theme dishes.
Just give me
a bowl of chili.
I've got lumberjack
pot roast,
finger sandwiches
Yeah, yeah.
I'll take the chili.
And i just finished
tossing a delicious
lumberjack salad!
Gee, pops, i appreciate
all your hard work
and everything,
But let's see
Um, how to put this
Please, please
give me my chili!
All right,
but you don't know
what you're missing.
Why, the lumberjack
queen herself is
enjoying my cuisine.
Ooh, mama!
She's like some
sort of flannel wearing,
chain saw wielding goddess!
Hey, baby.
You clear-cut
a path to my heart.
You're the kind
of girl i could
put down roots with.
[french accent] sorry,
i do not date saps.
Bonjour, mes amis.
Let ze maple syrup flow!
Jean paul is here.
Bonjour, jean paul.
Bonjour, jean paul.
Oh, you are looking
strong this year, oui?
Ah, jean paul,
have you ever heard
Of a magical invention
called deodorant?
You are strong with
ze joking, tiny man,
But i have not
seen you before.
Et vu a lumberjack?
Am i a lumberjack?
Am i a lumberjack?
Hey, pops,
am i a lumberjack?
Don't listen to pops.
He's a little cuckoo.
Where have you worked?
I have never heard of you.
Never heard of me?
Why, my exploits
are legendary.
Once i misstrode the north
woods like a colossus.
I cleared groves
of giant sequoias
With the help of my
trusty blue platypus, neil.
I'd eat 100
spotted owls for lunch
And i used tree trunks
for toothpicks.
Jean paul: But what
did you use for trees?
Johnny: Shut up.
I'm talking.
Once i dug a hole in my garden
And today, that hole
is london, england.
None of zat story
is true, is it?
I like you, tiny man.
I look forward
to facing you in
manly competition.
Au revoir, mes amis.
Au revoir.
[sucking in]
If even half of your
story is true, johnny,
You are certain
to receive ze winner's
kiss tomorrow.
Oh, no, tomorrow's
no good for me.
I got a cat scan
at 9:00, then a--
winner's kiss?
Whoa. I'm there.
Au revoir.
A viento.
Yeah. French toast.
Eiffel tower. Burrito.
Announcer, with french accent:
'ello and welcome to
Ze fifth annual
lumberjack competition.
We have a cavalcade of
lumberjack superstars today.
Jean paul affit.
Black jack shillack.
Panny johnson.
Rootrot mcgee.
And an exciting newcomer who
is extremely tiny, johnny bravo.
My hair is ready.
Let's begin.
Time for ze first event,
crosscut tree cutting.
Hey, bluto,
you speak english?
Oh, all right.
We speak english.
Look, just follow
my lead and try to
keep up, ok?
Oh! Ow!
Hey! Splinter!
We move on to our
second event, logrolling.
These crazy germans
haven't reckoned with
my yankee ingenuity.
That's why they lost
the civil war.
Ah, my tiny friend.
I wish you luck on
ze logrolling.
Ha, like i need it.
Ah, so you know
ze zecret of
ze logrolling?
UmWhat was it again?
You must think of
ze log like a woman,
Only harder
and covered with bark.
Hey, baby, want to go
back to my place and
I did it.
Nailing my boots to the log
Has made me the most balanced
lumberjack in all the land.
Look upon me and tremble
at my balanciness.
Or see me fall down a waterfall
and scream like a little girl.
And now we move on to
ze third and final event,
One man, one axe, one tree.
Finally, an event worthy
of my strength and stamina.
Ooh. I'm beat.
Hey, you,
come down this tree
And i'll give you
a dollar.
Let me put it to you
this way,
Cut down this tree
and i won't cook you
And stuff you
with peppercorns
and breadcrumbs.
He's all hyped up
on suet!
Get him off me,
Vive le johnny!
Congratulations, johnny.
For your amazing feats
of lumberjack excellence,
You are winning this
trophy cup
And a winner's kiss from
ze lumberjack queen.
Lay it on me,
my little love baguette,
And don't be stingy
with the lips.
Oh, no, johnny, i am only
ze lumberjack princess.
Zis is ze queen, my mother.
Bonjour, johnny.
Pucker up for ze mama.
No, no, no, wait!
I thought
Can't we just shake hands?
Wait, wait!
I must give you
ze winner's kiss!
Johnny: No, really.
Winning is its own reward.
Well, my work here is done.
Look out.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group and
u.S. Department of education
A babe! Mercy!
Captioned by the national
Previous EpisodeNext Episode