Johnny Bravo (1997) s03e15 Episode Script

Auteur! Auteur!/Runaway Train/A Reject Runs Through It

1, 2, 3, hee-ya.
Man, i'm pretty.
Huh! Haw! Huh!
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey, there, baby.
Ooh! Ow!
Yeah. Whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
and u.S. Department of education
More fried banana chips,
Monsieur ooh-ooh?
Oh! Do not turn up
your nose, mon ami.
When i, zee great
jeannoit bravo,
Receive my
$7 million grant
To direct my new film
From the stupid
american government,
You will be eating mangoes
from a silver bowl.
[doorbell rings]
This is zee mail now.
Bill. Bill.
Bill. Bill.
Musclebound doofus quarterly?
This is not my mail.
What is going on here?
Bill. Bill.
Bill. Bill.
My grant check
from the government arrived.
"dear jeannoit bravo--"
That's me in frenchy language.
Mama! Mama!
The $7 million grant check
for my art film arrived!
Johnny, you don't
make art films,
And you never applied
for that grant.
But, mama,
my government needs me.
I shall make a film
to inspire the countrymen
Of all races and creeds--
A touching, sensitive film
About real people
And sewer mutants
Sewer mutants who kidnap
sunbathing bikini chicks
And turn them
into space androids.
It'll be the feel-good movie
of the year!
I love it!
It'll be like
two for the seesaw.
Only with sewer mutants!
Follow your dreams,
You mean that one
where i'm in my underwear
at the nougat factory and--
Just make the movie,
Man: The camera
loves you, son!
Uh, pops
I think you're looking
through the wrong end.
Pops: Oops! My mistake.
The camera only likes you
as a friend.
Thanks, pops.
Your experience
as a fry cook
Should make you
an excellent choice
for cinematographer.
Talent wrangler!
Yes, maestro.
Send in
the auditioners
For the sexy
space queen.
Well, i spent 3 years
at the royal academy,
Then taught voice
and body work
At the actors studio.
That's great. How
are you at running
in slow motion
While wearing
a sea-shell bikini?
I'm sorry?
Here's the script,
Which i myself
have written.
This is the scene
where i save your life
In the active volcano.
"ah, save me, rex.
"if the sewer mutants
capture me,
"they'll make me wear
scanty clothes
And perform
menial household tasks"?
"hey, guys.
She's over here."
Now quick. Kiss me.
Kiss me hard.
What? I don't see that
in the script.
Why, it's not
in the script,
But if you do it,
i'll give you
the part.
I'll be in touch.
I think she's too tall.
You know, in space,
No one can
hear you smooch.
Make me a sandwich!
Well, that's
the last of them.
Let's knock off
for the day
And go get me
a cat scan.
[door opening]
Woman: Sorry i'm late.
I had to stomp
the paparazzi
on the way over.
Leaping linguine!
It's the famous
movie star
Gia got-a-nice-a-body!
Mama mia!
That's a spicy meatball.
How'd you like to roll
the love gondola
Down the via del johnny?
You are a pig!
Don't hit me!
All the great directors
are a pig.
You must be brilliant.
I'm-a take-a the part!
You're hired!
We shoot at dawn!
[all chattering]
Quiet on the set!
All hail our great director
Maestro johnny bravo!
Greetings, little dirty people.
We're all here
for one reason--
To realize
the brilliant vision that is
Revenge of the sewer
mutants, part one.
Now, remember,
i do my best work
When i'm being
worshipped as a god,
So under no circumstances
Must anyone ever, ever
question me.
So are there any questions?
You're fired!
Come on. You heard
the maestro. Scram!
Don't call us.
We'll call you.
Johnny, how are-a you-a
gonna shoot-a the film
Without the crew?
Don't worry, my little
cream-filled cannoli.
I myself
shall do the work
of the entire crew!
Carl, scene 4!
Right, j.B.
Places for the big
rocket ship scene.
Now, in this scene,
you're filled with anguish
Because you're
blasting off into space
To rescue the bikini women.
Now, i want honest
emotion! Good!
Now get on the ship!
And action!
Great! Cut!
Let's get one more for coverage.
No can do, johnny.
That was an actual
working s-10 rocket.
You just launched
the actors into space.
Think there will be problems
with the union?
Then let's move on.
But-a, johnny,
how are-a you-a
Gonna shoot-a the movie
without-a the actors?
I'll play the parts!
All 40 roles are the ones
i was born to play.
[speaking italian]
Quiet on the set!
Surrender, rex.
You'll never leave
this planet alive.
Says you,
you suction-cupped
mouth breather.
Use the raygun i invented.
Thanks, dr. Zarcon.
You ray-blasted me, human,
But i have one card
left up my sleeve!
Cut! Print it!
Oh, johnny!
You are a great director.
I'm glad you recognize
The vision and sensitivity
that lives in my soul.
Carl, cue the giant,
inflatable sewer lizard!
And action!
Johnny: Huh ha! Huh ha!
Huh haw! Take that!
Could you do
that again?
The camera
ran out of film.
You may be a pig,
but you're also a stupido.
I quit!
That's right! Quit!
I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!
I can finish this film
all by myself!
So there!
Oh, rex.
You're so big
and-a strong-a.
Save me
from the mutants!
This is the film
they'll remember me by.
You know, i think this is
some of your finest work.
But, johnny, you know
how your aunt myra
Loves to see
her favorite nephew.
She told me
she hates me.
Well, you know how her
Dogs like you.
Last time, i had to get
14 rabies shots.
All right, look!
I'm having
the girls over
For our annual
yahtzee marathon,
And you know how we like
to dip into the cider
and use colorful language!
I don't want to expose
you to that.
But, mama!
She's always
lickin' a napkin
And wipin'
my face with it.
Not another word,
young man!
Now you get
on that train,
And i'll see you
in a few months.
Right. What did i say?
Oh, and here.
Don't forget to give myra
The german chocolate
neutron cake i baked her.
I made it
with heavy water.
Now, you know how i hate
long good-byes,
So see ya!
Mmm. German chocolaty.
And don't even
think about eating it!
Aw, but i'm hungry.
Better get something
to tide me over.
Hey, newsstand guy.
Give me a pack
of sugar nips,
some onion gum,
A bag of chips, and--
Do you have any
best-selling novels
About a young, feisty lawyer
taking on the establishment?
Ooh! Let's see.
I'll take this one
And that one
and one of those!
Thanks, buddy!
Let's see. 29-a.
Woman: Gentlemen,
we are counting down
To the maiden voyage
Of the blue goose 9,000,
The train that will
revolutionize global travel.
Und bring order
to zee world!
Heh! Uh, sorry.
Captain, have you finalized
the prelaunch check?
Uh, that's a roger.
Mission control,
stand by
For initializing
27-a. 28-b.
This must be it!
Hey, hotshot.
Get out of my seat.
Uh, that's
a definite negative, sir.
Uh, mission control,
we have an unauthorized--
Mission control, i am no longer
in control of the train.
Now to get my tiny peanuts.
I'll bet
this flashy start button
Summons the stewardess.
No! You've initiated launch.
You don't know
what you're doing!
Bye! I'll miss you, too.
Don't forget to write.
Ah, the only real way
to see america is by train.
Attention, hijacker!
Attention, hijacker!
Hey, it's the stewardess.
What are
your demands?
My demands?
Uh, well, let's see.
I'll take a pillow,
some tiny peanuts,
and your phone number,
My little engine
that probably won't.
Uh! I don't give
my phone number out
to terrorists.
Then how do they
contact you?
Look, we'll give you
whatever you ask.
Just stop the train!
Whatever i ask?
Well, i'd like to see
more chimp-based tv programming.
Uh, we may need time,
but you've got it!
Now i'm going to put you
on with dr. Oddmitten.
He will instruct you
on how to deactivate
The train's
magnetic plasma drive.
Heh heh.
Auf wiedersehen,
My little,
devilish friend.
Heh heh.
Ah, gesundheit, frenchy.
If i might direct
you to the train's
operating manual--
Uh, behind
the minibar.
Minibar! All right!
Cold cuts! Huh ha!
So, uh, you are
a complete idiot, ja?
Before we go any further,
i demand to know one thing.
Was ist das?
Do you have any
dijon mustard?
Ja. It is behind
the mayonnaise
next to the--ugh!
You're running
out of time!
Quickly turn to page 151
in zee operating
Ok. I'm ready.
Now, what was that?
Zee engines are
going critical.
Don't worry.
I'll just start
pushing buttons.
Can someone please
tell me what happened?
Uh, ja, madam president.
It would seem
he has reversed
The magnetic polarity
on the tracks!
[eerie space noises]
Nothing can stop
Our invasion
of the earth now.
Woo woo!
Our only hope
is to go to plan "b"!
Hey, don't you people
know what the left lane
is for?
Train tracks, next exit!
Plan "b"
is in place,
Mein chancellor
A steel wall!
I'm doomed! Unless
Aunt myra's pound cake!
Oh, good, johnny!
You haven't left yet.
I forgot to write
your name on your underwear.
Mama, you'll never
guess what happened!
Wait a minute!
What's aunt myra's cake doing
lying on the ground?
Mama, no!
Next time
i'm takin' a bus.
Narrator: Thus, we see
how man has evolved
To realize his ultimate,
modern potential.
Johnny: Huh! Ha! Huh!
Hey, how come
he gets a banana?
Mmm. Banana.
Hey, pops!
Congratulate me. Huh!
My cholesterol level
is up to 405.
So give me an order
of cheddar fries,
And keep it comin'.
Huh! Ha!
405? I think
that's kind of high.
Oh, all right.
Throw some
sour cream
on top.
Here you go,
And here's your
complimentary jar
of night crawlers.
What? Have you
gone mad?
You're supposed to
serve night crawlers
On a bread dish
with a salad fork.
No, johnny.
Thems ain't for eatin'.
I've decided to expand
my product line
And sell live bait
on the side.
That would explain
all the crusty fishermen
at the counter.
Blueberry pancakes
and a cappuccino.
Pint of glow worms
for me.
Ooh! That's
the biggest guppy
i've ever seen!
Aye. 3 ounces
she were.
Tore me leg
clean off.
Hey, pops.
Chicks dig
Oh, sure, johnny.
Everybody knows that.
Hey, baby.
I once kept
a goldfish in my mouth
for an entire month.
silly johnny.
Chicks don't
care about
They want to
hear about
the valiant struggle
Of a man alone
in the wilderness,
Locked in mortal
combat with the
great sport fish:
The plucky grouper,
The scheming
And the rare,
All right! I'll do it!
You mean you'll
borrow my puddle-jumper
To fly to alaska,
then catch and eat
The world's last remaining
sassy-mouthed salmon?
No. Actually i meant
Go home and make milk
come out of my nose,
But your idea
is good, too.
North to alaska!
Get off the counter.
Johnny: Thanks for letting
me use your plane, pops.
Pops: Sure thing, son.
If you do catch
the legendary
It'll be great publicity
for my bait business.
Besides, i need
the flying practice.
Didn't see
that coming.
No, thanks.
Headset for the movie?
Yes, it is.
Now go away!
Come on, johnny.
Take the headset.
Get away, carl.
But, johnny,
it's meryl streep.
Quit touchin' me!
Ah! My jaw!
Come on! I asked you
not to touch me
once before, didn't i?
[johnny and carl yelling]
You kids,
cut it out!
Don't make me turn
this plane around!
At least
have a soda!
I don't want
a soda!
Aah! I'm hit!
Pull up, pops!
Pull up!
Pops: This is
definitely going to bring
My insurance rates up.
Huh! Just like
i planned it.
You guys stay here
and tend the fire.
I'm going to go catch
this so-called
sassy-mouthed salmon.
Ah, fly-fishing.
The serene simplicity
of a man, a fly rod,
and a bubbling brook.
Ooh! Ooh!
I got one! I got one!
You hooked yourself
an idiot.
You know, it's not nice
to make fun of people--
Hey! You must be
the legendary
sassy-mouthed salmon!
Now, really.
I thought i was the duke
of northumberland.
Well, your majesty,
prepare to be caught!
Not likely,
You mouth-breathing
You know,
after i catch you
and eat you,
I am going to wash
your mouth out with soap!
Johnny: Now, let's see.
Which one
of these cunning lures
i've designed should i use?
Mama's priceless diamond earring
has never failed me.
But my feathered wiener dog
works best in fresh water.
Doh! Ah! Uh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Honest abe!
No fish can resist
the lure
Of the great emancipator!
Careful! Careful!
Gettin' lots of play.
Pull, man! Pull!
I think you've got me.
Really? Errr!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, dear!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, that's rich!
Oh! Ha ha ha!
That's it! It's go time,
you walleyed piece of chum!
That takes care of him.
Now to fulfill
my inexorable drive
To spawn.
Hello, beautiful.
Heaven must be missing
a salmon.
Why, the little fella's
just tryin' to pick up
Fish chicks.
In that way, he is not
unlike myself.
So, tell me.
Do you spawn here often?
Johnny: Oh! Oh! Man!
That's the worst line ever.
Ha ha ha!
I suppose you've
got a better idea.
Just talk to her.
Be yourself,
And if that doesn't work,
flex your pecs. Huh!
Chicks dig that.
Hmm. A brazen display
of machismo.
It's just crazy enough
to work.
Hello, scrumptious.
Care to see me do this?
Johnny: That-a boy!
See those moves?
I taught him that!
Pops: Good work, johnny!
I see you got
the big one cornered.
Net him, johnny!
Net him and gaff him!
You fiends!
Touch not this gentle salmon,
For in his chest
beats the heart
of a lover.
And if we look
in our hearts,
Would we not find
the heart of a salmon?
Yes. Yes!
The heart
Of a scared,
little salmon!
Well, dag burnit, johnny,
If we aren't
going to eat him,
What are we
going to do with him?
You're not
going to do
anything to them!
So long as i live,
these salmon
Are under my protection.
Hey, look!
A butterfly!
Mmm. Hey, pops,
This salmon is delicious.
What did you do to it?
trout amandine,
you nabob,
And get your elbows
off the counter.
Johnny: Look out.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
And u.S. Department of education
Captioned by the national
A babe.
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