Johnny Bravo (1997) s04e01 Episode Script

1
- 1, 2, 3, huh!
Baby!
Sassy.
Studly.
Ooh. Check the pecs. Huh ha huh!
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on.
Hey there, baby.
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
[slow music playing]
- Yes, yes, yes!
- No, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- No, no, no!
- Want a gummy fruit?
- Shh!
- It's been in my pocket,
so it's soft and warm.
Ow. Ow!
[cats yowl]
[car tires screech]
- That was great, kid.
I was right there
in the movie theater
with you,
And let me tell you,
i couldn't keep
my eyes off you
From the minute
you whooshed in.
- Great.
- Yeah. You've got that look
That appeals to
the 18-to-34-year-old
demographic.
I'm telling you,
you've got pizazz.
- Look, is this
gonna take long?
Because i got me some digits to
get on a few chick fillets.
- The name's ramage.
Doc ramage.
It's like damage with an "r."
Bottom line--i'm a big time
hollywood producer,
And i want to put you
in my new hollywood blockbuster.
- Holly who?
- It's a taut psychological
romantic epic fantasy western
Dinosaur buddy cop
comedy thriller
Set against the backdrop
of the great lunchlady
uprising of 1902.
- Did you say something
about lunch?
- Kid, i'm gonna make you
a movie star.
- A movie star?
[grrr]
[women screaming]
[women screaming]
[women screaming]
- All you have to do
is sign right here
On this official
movie star contract.
"johnny bravo."
even your name has got pizazz!
Here's one bus ticket
to los angeles.
Here's a map to the studio.
Here's a rare porcelain bust
of martin van buren,
our eighth president,
And here's your script.
- "lunchlady s'uprise"?
- Your role is
that of mickey dexter,
International arm-wrestling
tax accountant by day,
Interdimensional cowboy-slash-
psychologist by night.
- Hey, there's
no pictures in here.
- Be at the studio on monday,
6 a.M. Sharp.
I'll have someone there
to meet you.
We'll do lunch!
- Seriously, where are
all the pictures?
- In recognition
of your blah blah blah,
And on behalf of the citizens
of aron city,
Who just couldn't be happier
that you finally are leaving--
Ha ha ha! I mean,
achieving your dreams,
We'd like to present you
with this solid bronze
Pinata?
- Aw, mama!
It's like i'm looking
in a mirror.
Oh! Oh! Hey, now. Oh! Ooh.
I'm a pinata. Oh! Oh!
- I thought we were doing
the statue in bronze.
- Budget cuts.
- Well, the kids do seem
to be enjoying it.
- Testing, 1, 2, 3.
I know when i'm gone,
you'll be missing out
on your daily dose of this.
Huh!
But don't worry. I'll never
forget all you little people
here in aron city,
Like you and him and that guy.
- [sobbing]
- Good-bye, mama. I'm off
to get my name in lights.
Uh!
- Please don't go, johnny.
Who's gonna sing camp songs
with me and skip around
the maypole?
- What are you talking about?
I never did any of those
things with you.
- Oh. Yeah. Well, ok, then.
Bye-bye.
[engine starts]
- Hooray for hollywood.
- Sit down!
- Mmm mmm mmm.
Should i take a seat?
- Hi. You must be johnny bravo,
The new star
of "lunchlady s'uprise!"
- That's right,
my little foxketeer.
You must be--
- Whoops. Was that me?
I'm sorry.
I have a tendency
to smack people when
they say the wrong line.
Obviously you haven't
memorized your part.
You come in on page 10.
- Yada-yada-yada.
"johnny." "why, yes, i am."
- That's great!
My name's jessica biel.
- Hooray!
- Welcome to hollywood,
johnny bravo.
We're your new costars
on "lunchlady s'uprise!"
As you can see,
we're all really--
- Ah, ah, ah--kiss up.
- I'm sorry. What was that?
- You heard me.
- Alec, we've been over this.
Not everything
is about you,
And in less than 10 hours,
This world is going to be
swarming in alien arthropods
If i don't finish
what i started.
- Well, i have to take
a group of ragtag orphans
And turn them into the greatest
goulash-makers the world
has ever known
In less than 9 hours.
- Oh, the onions! They burn!
- I told you how important
my work is to me.
- Was that before or after
you refused to date me?
- Oh! How dare you!
- Look into my eyes
and say that again.
[rumbling]
- What?
- Stampede!
[moo]
- Behold the horror
mine eyes must endure!
[speaking spanish]
Why? Why?
[sob snort snort]
- And cut.
[bell rings]
- Hi. I'm alec baldwin,
and i'll be playing
your nemesis
In "lunchlady s'uprise!"
That was one of the big
scenes from the picture.
What do you think?
- What the heck are you--
- You're probably wondering
how alec survived that stampede.
Well, here in hollywood,
they can actually turn
your body into rubber.
Check it out.
It's that old hollywood magic.
- I also hope you enjoyed
my athleticism.
I've been training
for months now. Watch.
[cloth rips]
Whoops. Uh, mr. Knotts,
why don't you take it from here?
Wardrobe.
My name is don knotts,
and i've still got it.
Toot toot, hey.
Beep beep.
So don't cross me, or i'll
bring on the smackdown.
[cloth rips]
- Hey, who's the kid
with the hairy feet?
- I'm a hobbit, which means--
- And i'm
a nondescript dinosaur.
I'm really looking to play
against type
As the wacky neighbor
with a catch phrase.
- Hey, that's not
how we rehearsed it.
- Seriously,
love the improv thing--
- Back off, mr. Limpet, eh?
Some of don't have
"andy griffith show" residuals
To fall back on.
- Why, i ought to--uh! Ah! Eeh!
- I'm back.
Did i miss anything? Ow.
Do i still look handsome?
- I'll say.
- Then thumbs up.
- Speaking of thumbs,
isn't there a big toe
that we're neglecting here?
- Huh?
- I agree.
We're here for one purpose
and one purpose only
- To welcome johnny bravo
to hollywood, u.S.A. Whoo!
- No, really.
You don't have to--
- Actually, we do. So you're
gonna stand there and like it,
mr. Hey hey.
- Come on now. Places, people.
That means you, too, wicket.
- In a world where hot golden
popcorn grows on trees,
4 thespians and a dinosaur
have come to welcome you,
johnny bravo,
To what promises to be
- Hey, voice-over guy.
We're ready.
- Now, without further ado,
i present to you
The hollywood welcome wagon.
- once you were poor,
you were nothing to me
your life was so dull,
a big catastrophe
but now that you're here,
you're so in with the club
a new movie star,
come on and show me the love
yeah
- OhhKay.
- Hit me. Hit me.
- nice hair, nice clothes,
you'll start a trend
with those
and glasses--good start
- you're stylish,
yet you're smart
- you'll be written up
in tabloids
that you had
a thing with cher
- it's a lie,
but then, who cares?
- work it, work it, work it
- i have been a movie star
for i don't know how long
i'm always looking for a role
that paints a woman strong
- so if you find
a role for her that
lets her throw a chair
- i am there
i am so there
- go, man, go
represent
- now that you're
in hollywood,
here's what you can expect
a lot of people hounding you
to pay your 10%
- your life is gonna
change so fast
your head will come ajar
- you're in movies,
you're a star
- i'm fluffy, i'm cute,
i'm everything, your newt
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on there, shakira.
Didn't you get the memo?
We had to cut out
your part for time.
- But--
- Aw, don't worry.
They cut me from plenty
of movies in my early days.
It's the good looks, i tell you.
I pull focus.
- Oh, my god.
Look at the time.
We have a read-through
in two minutes.
- What do you say
you skip your next appointment
And the two of us
- Skip my appointment?
Are you crazy?
I live for my work.
- Hey, nice swing
with the whole chair thing.
- Why, thank you.
I've been training
with sum lo kim at the
Inner peace palladium.
- Inner peace palladium.
You, too?
Matsu patsu tissue.
- Matsu patsu tissue.
Bye, johnny.
See you on the set.
- You know, sum lo taught
my brother's hairdresser's niece
to do the same thing?
[cell phone rings]
- Yo, marty. What's this i hear
about a memo?
- Don't be a stranger.
Let's do lunch.
I'll have my assistant
google you.
[crash]
- UhHuh?
- Hi. Yes. You must be
johnny bravo.
- Oh, yeah, and you must be
my first groupie.
Feel free to look and touch.
[buzz]
- Yeah, he's here.
- So, talking to the rest
of my fan club?
- Johnny rambo! Welcome
to hollywood, bubeleh.
- Do you mind? I'm trying to
make time with headphone girl.
- Yes, well, you'll have
plenty of time for that,
But first things first.
You're fired.
- What?
- Yes. Well, it was great
meeting you. Got to go.
Time is money.
- Wait a second.
But i'm the star
of this picture.
- Yeah. About that
We replaced you
with a cgi version
of mark hamill.
- I'm ready for my closeups.
- The kids love
the computer animation.
- Tough break, kid.
Say, do you know where i can get
some more gigabytes?
My backside is pixilating.
[alarm rings]
[beep beep beep beep]
- Wait! You can't do this to me.
I'm johnny bravo.
I'm supposed to be
a movie star!
- I can't let
my mama's dream die.
She's got to see
my name in lights.
I need to find
that producer guy.
He'll straighten this whole--
[all talking at once]
All right, people.
Take your seats. Wonderful.
The tour will begin
momentarily.
- Hold up. I don't have time
for no tour.
Johnny bravo's got work to do.
- And don't forget to enjoy
the complimentary cookies
And imitation orange beverage
located below your seat.
- Cookies?
- Here we are in what appears
to be a lovely day at the lake.
But remember,
we're in hollywood.
Things aren't always
what they seem.
[screaming]
- Hey. Cookies.
Nyuh, nyuh, nyuh.
- Please, sir,
no feeding the actors.
- You heard the man.
Beat it, shamu.
- Oh, a wise guy, eh?
No respect. No respect.
Nyuh, nyuh, nyuh.
- Yes, folks, that was
the famous jabberjaw
From the hit tv series
"jabberjaw."
As you can see, danger
and peril lurk around every
corner here in hollywood.
But don't worry.
You're safe with--
Wait a second.
How did that volcano get here?
[gasps]
- Volcano?
- Help! Oh, peril, distress!
- Oh, no. There's a woman
on top of that volcano.
Hey, get out of there,
bikini-clad lady.
- Bikini-clad lady?
[vroom screech]
- Wherever shall i go?
Whatever shall i do?
[descending whistle]
- How's about wrapping
your bikini-babe arms
around my body
And hoping for the best?
- What? Who are you?
- Johnny bravo.
[roar]
- Aah!
- Will you be quiet?
You're making me lose
my motivation.
- Is that a good thing?
Because it sounds like
it could be.
[drums beating]
- Katie conway, you just got
to catch that crow.
- I will, microchippy.
I will, or my name isn't
katie conway, crow catcher.
Cut!
[bell rings]
- Are you all right?
- Never better.
Hey, you're that katie conway
crow-catching chick
From my favorite show,
"katie conway, crow-catcher."
- Well, actually, katie conway
is just the character i play
on the show.
My real name's tia carrere.
And i'm--
- Yeah, whatever, katie.
- And i'm kevin mcdonald
From canada.
- Good for you. So, you want to
trade in r2-d2 here
For a more macho model? Huh!
You can try to get by
But i'm still gonna
trap you. Ha!
- Right.
- Security!
[rock music playing]
[stringed instrument playing]
[cheering]
[whip cracks]
[screech]
- Amazing.
- Hey, big time producer guy.
You remember me?
- Copying machine,
you've got the goods!
You've got moxie.
You've got pizazz.
And who doesn't love paper?
Ha ha ha!
Kid, you're gonna be
the next big star.
- Hey, what about me? I thought
i was the next big star.
- Whoa! Jimmy,
good to see you.
Hate to be you.
- What?
- You're yesterday's news.
I got to look at the future,
And this machine
is where it's at.
I'm gonna be rich.
- Got you!
[creak pop]
[punching]
- Ohhh!
Oof.
- And don't come back!
- Unless you have
a "go" picture
- With a strong female lead
- Or just bring cash.
Cash is good.
- Yeah? Well, your loss,
big time movie studio.
Johnny bravo is going
straight to the top,
And there's nothing you can do
to stop me.
Whoa! Oh!
- Cut.
[bell rings]
Cut, cut, cut.
You were really quite
incredible
Incredibly awful.
- But--
- Somebody get this lunkhead
off of my set.
Let's go. Places. Places.
[thud]
[glass breaking]
- "auditions today."
don't worry, mama.
I'm gonna light up
the sky like a flame. Huh!
- Next!
- Uh, that would be me.
I hope your clothes
are fireproof,
Because it's about to get
hot in here.
Huh! Ha! Huh! Ha!
[clock ticking]
To be or not toBe.
Ha ha ha!
That's dumb. Who wrote this?
This guy's stopped breathing.
He's in pulmon--pulmonnn--
partible--
Hey, is this even a word?
Ahem.
yodel ay hee hoo
[blues music playing]
- Souvenirs.
Get your souvenirs.
Exquisitely airbrushed authentic
hollywood memorabilia.
- Aw, man! What's everybody got
that i don't?
- Talent, for one.
- What was that?
- They also appeal
to the right demographic.
- I got demolition appeal.
- Listen, johnny.
In the world of hollywood,
There's an ancient saying
- I pity the fool?
- No.
- Yabba dabba doo?
- Wait, wait.
- Nanu nanu?
- Love, johnny. Love.
- What's love got to do with it?
- In show business, you've got
to go where the love is.
- Right.
- And you just need
to ask yourself,
"where is the love
for johnny bravo?"
- Where is
the love for johnny bravo?
Duh!
- Next stop, aron city!
[cheering
and band playing]
- Hooray!
- You know, some talking sky man
once told me
That you got to go
where the love is,
And the love for johnny bravo
is right here in aron city!
[cheering]
- Welcome home, bill bailey!
[cheering]
[band playing]
[kazoo playing]
- Oh, mama. I'm sorry you won't
get to see my name in lights
Like you always dreamed.
- Don't be so sure
about that, dearie.
And these doll treasure plates
are collectible,
And they feature precious dolls
holding tiny little doll plates.
They're almost guaranteed
to possibly go up in value.
- Shh. Shh, shh. Here it is.
- Barry pensacola here
with your tinseltown ticket.
Tonight we have exclusive
footage of the desperate,
pathetic acts
Of a studio-stalking madman.
Ooh! Looks like that hollywood
hopeful got holly-whooped.
Ha ha ha!
- Now, that kid's got pizazz.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
Captioned by the national
--Www.Ncicap.Org--
- i used to be
a tyrannosaurus wreck
till you came
into my life
and served
me
a dollop
of respect
and it
was a
lunchlady
s'uprise
when i look
into your eyes
lunchlady
surprise
lunchy,
lunchy
fair wages
for tater fries
lunchlady s'uprise
- Can i get a what? What?
Toot toot. Hey! Beep beep.