Johnny Bravo (1997) s04e02 Episode Script

Traffic Troubles/My Funny Looking Friend

- 1, 2, 3, huh!
Check the pecs.
Huh! Ha! Huh!
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby. Ooh!
Yeah, whatever.
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- Ha! Hey, little miss.
I'm looking fine while waiting
across the street, girl.
Want to buy me lunch? Huh! Ha!
Come on. Change.
Ohh. Let's not keep her waiting.
Turn green already!
[tires squeal]
[siren blares]
- Sir, step away
from the street.
- But
- Anything you say can
and will be used against you.
- Thank you, officers.
Honestly, people walk
around here like it's a freewa--
- And the fine is $100.
- $100? Where am i gonna come up
with that kind of scratch?
- Well, it says here,
either you pay the fine
Or spend saturday
in traffic school.
- Traffic school? Hmm.
I got an idea.
How about you pay
the hundred bucks, mama?
- I got an idea. No.
- Aw. But--
- Oh, honey,
it's for your own good.
- Besides, it will be fun.
Look at these great options.
There's stand-up traffic school.
- Stand-up traffic school?
- That's right, ladies.
Keep standing up.
- Whoa! Yeah, right.
- How about this one,
birdhouse building
traffic school?
- That's right, ladies.
Get those 2x4s up
to the third floor.
- Uh, skip on down.
- Musical comedy
traffic school?
- Musical comedy traffic school.
- And remember, always yield
to pedestrians.
- Oh, yeah! That's the one! Huh!
- Oh, man. I can't wait
to spend a whole saturday
With a roomful of high-kicking
musical comedy chicks.
Hey. Where's all the foxy chicks
i read about?
- Right here, tiger.
- Say, you look
like one of the jets
from "west side story."
- Crazy.
- Cool.
- Pow!
- Aw, man. I should have
brought my costume
From "phantom of the opera."
- Aw, what did i get
myself into?
- how do?
- what the?
- welcome to my class,
you all look awake
now that you're all here
i'll take care
of your mistake
Hey, johnny, good to see you,
hate to be you.
- Do i know you from somewhere?
- Oh, that doesn't matter.
All that matters is
all of you have done a crime
- we've done a crime
- now you got to
do your time
- we've done a crime
- you chose not
to pay your fee
you need your money
just like me
so pass this class
don't end up
like clyde or bonnie
So how's my teaching so far?
- Maybe you could
teach yourself to disappear?
- Ho ho ho!
No, johnny.
That's magic traffic school
with mr. Magician.
- I also do birthday parties
and bar mitzvahs.
Call me!
- sorry i'm late,
i'm allison pace
i got a speeding ticket
trying to find this place
- well, don't be downhearted,
we're just getting started
- welcome to musical comedy
traffic school
- la loo loo la la la school
- Oh, goody! That's neat!
- Miss pace, take your seat.
- Hey, musical mama.
Want to play a game of pec-pong?
- Give me a break, rattlesnake.
- Ooh.
- Sabba sibby sabba.
- Nooby abba nabba.
- le lo le lo
- Hey. Can we make sure
these guys don't eat
any more sugar?
- Yeah. Like that's gonna
curb our enthusiasm.
- Nice pun with the curb line.
- Ow!
- Speaking of curbs--
nice segue, old chum.
Thank you, old chum.
listen while i tell you about
the signs out on the road
they tell you when to park,
what to do, and where to go
like railroad crossing,
do not enter
stop, that's the wrong way
or keep your distance
from my car because i'm crazy
be a smart cookie
and keep your distance
from that cat
every day, you run
into a sign out on the street
now imagine, people,
if you will
if signs were obsolete
you'd never know about
who or what or where
you'd like to be
so the next time
you see a sign
just thank it real kindly
Now that i have your attention,
At the end of the day,
you each must perform
in your own special way,
And just to make
the competition extra nice,
The winner gets this pair
of musical fuzzy dice.
[dice playing "la cucaracha"]
- I must win those dice.
- So come up with
a traffic lesson
in music and verse.
Now, let's break
for a 3-hour lunch and rehearse!
Class dismissed.
- Uh, wait a second.
What if you don't sing?
- Then you flunk the class.
- And that's a bad thing, right?
- Look, johnny,
if you flunk the class,
You're gonna
have to pay the fine
or take the class again.
Think about it.
- Ooh! Maybe you could
take my class.
Ooh! Magic!
- Oh, man. I hate school.
- Mind if i join you?
- Whoa! Easy there,
old lady mama.
- Cool your jets, junior.
You're not my type,
But i do see you fancy
that babe over there.
- i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know
i know, i know, i know
- Yeah. What about it?
- I know for a fact that she
has a penchant for singers.
Know what i mean?
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?
- A penchant?
You mean she has a big belly?
- No, silly.
She likes people who sing.
Uh, long story.
She used to date my cousin.
He's a singer, yada-yada-yada.
Anyhow, if you want
to win the girl,
You got to win the prize!
- Hmm. Win the prize
and the girl?
Sounds good.
One problem. I don't sing.
- What? Are you crazy?
Sure you do.
It's easy.
Just use your diaphragm.
- You mean my penchant?
- Try this.
- ohh
- Remember. Singing is just
talking real slow.
Try it, johnny.
- ThisIsRealDumb.
- You're doing great, johnny.
Now add rhythm.
Hop up and down on one foot
while you rub your stomach
at the same time.
You got it!
Now just combine the two.
- IGotRhythm.
- parallel parking,
backing up, backing up
- Hello? You're breaking
our creative flow.
- Flow?
- Flow.
- Flow? Kiss my grits.
- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
- Well, that was
very promising, johnny.
A lot of improvement.
- i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know
i know, i know, i know,
i know, i know
- Aw, man. Who are we kidding?
I'm never gonna beat that chick.
She's like a--a pro
or something.
- If only we had more time.
[both sigh]
I just wish there was
some kind of music
Where you didn't have to sing.
- do do do do do do do do
- Yeah. What can you possibly do
Where you don't sing
but it's still music?
- Yeah. Some crazy kind of music
Where you're, like, talking
the words or something.
[hip-hop music playing]
- Idea!
- As we sped down
the mountain highway,
I begged him to read the sign.
He said, "i hate reading.
It hurts my head,
And, baby, please don't whine."
That's when we took the corner,
and his hotrod began to swerve.
He should have read the sign.
it said, "beware
of dangerous curves"
dangerous curves,
dangerous curves
dangerous cur-ur-ur-ohh
[cheering and applause]
- I don't see how anyone
can top that performance,
But let's indulge him anyway.
Johnny bravo!
[woman making percussion sounds]
- well, i'm j. Bra
working the microphone
looking cool in the school,
but i'm not alone
i got marlo on the beat box
doing her thing
so i can tell you what i know
about trafficking
red light, yellow light,
green light, go
stop is a sign
that you need to know
check my hair really quick
from behind the wheel
then i pull to the side
for my curb appeal
i don't need to drive
to know my left from my right
or to know jimmie walker
says dy-no-mite
'cause i got me a class
that i hope i pass
but here's some more
you should know
when you hit the gas
keep your eyes on the road,
or you will not see
all the kids in the street
having a party
you can join all the fun
if you park your car
when you're done,
say good night
like a movie star
- is there more i should know
before i turn the key?
- there's a book,
take a look at the d.M.V.
- Yeah. All right!
That was awesome!
- Whoa, cool!
- Right on!
- Thanks, old lady mama.
- Go get her, tiger.
- Hi there.
You want to celebrate
With a hip-and-happening
singer type?
- Thanks for taking me
to dinner, snooky-ookums.
- I don't get it.
I thought you had
A big belly for singer types.
- Sorry, johnny.
Your rap was superawesome,
And congratulations
on your win,
But there's just something
about bald men who can sing.
- So i got that going for me.
[car starts]
[tires squeal]
- with a knick-knack,
paddy whack, give a dog a bone
this old man
came rolling home
[dice playing "la cucaracha"]
- Care for a little stud
with your spuds?
- What kind of pizza would you
like your pizza stuffed with?
- How about topping that pie off
with some bravoroni?
Baby, i know you
[squeak squeak]
Need me.
You must be all
twisted up inside about it.
Ooh, mama!
- Your hair
Smells like day-old pretzels.
do do do do
do do do do
wallah, wallah, zigzag, hey
- What was i ever thinking?
How could anyone be angry
with you two cuties?
You're just so precious.
I'm taking the rest
of the day off
So i can enjoy the company
Of these simply
charming gentlemen.
- You don't have my muscles,
you don't have my moves,
And you don't have myMuscles,
But you still
scored that chick.
What gives?
- Well, let's just say,
i couldn't have done it
Without the help
of my funny-looking friend.
[girl laughing]
- Funny-looking friend?
- You got it.
Let me let you in
on a little secret, huh?
I used to be
a second-rate nobody
just like you,
But ever since i hooked up
With that funny-looking fellow
over there,
Things have really
turned around.
I cannot keep the ladies away.
I got a different date
every night of the week,
And my chronic halitosis
has all but disappeared.
My breath is fresher than ever.
Bottom line, the ladies love
that silly goofball.
He reels them in
like a puppy dog.
Do the math, huh?
Cool dude plus
a funny-looking friend equals?
- 7?
- Equals babes galore.
With the funny-looking friend
in the wings,
You can-a do
no wrong, my friend.
- Funny-looking friend, huh?
Now, where am i ever gonna find
a funny-looking friend?
Say, you're
pretty funny-looking.
You want to be
my funny-looking friend?
- Oh, nooooooo!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Hey, doofus.
Want to have superhip, cool dude
for a best friend?
- Would i?
- Hey, you'd make a great
funny-looking friend.
Funny nose, funny eyes,
and hair like a porcupine's.
- I am a porcupine,
and besides,
I'm already running that racket.
- Yip, yip, yip, yip, yiiip!
[women laughing]
- Aw, man, i'll never find
a funny-looking friend.
- Try holding auditions.
That's how i found my guy.
- Auditions?
So why would you make
a good funny-looking friend?
- Who are you calling
- You seem like a good goofball.
- Goofball? Naw.
But i'm a quarter gumball
on my mother's side.
- Bee-dazzle.
- Hi, johnny.
What you doing?
- Next.
- Johnny bravo?
- Yeah.
- The johnny bravo?
The name's newton.
I must say, it is a pleasure
to finally meet you.
- The pleasure's all yours.
- Yeah. You have a lot
to work with here--
Good chest, great shoulders,
and the hair.
Well, it's all really
quite impressive.
You know, if i may speak
frankly for a moment,
There are a lot of fly-by-night
funny-looking friends out there.
No passion, no drive,
no commitment.
Sure, they'll
promise you the world,
But in the end,
they'll leave you empty-handed.
Now, me, i've been
at this game a long time.
I've got experience,
and i'll get you results.
I'm wacky and goofy
and as silly-looking
as they come.
But i'm also well-groomed,
And i've been lice-free
for the last 3 months.
So what do you say?
Are we a team?
- You're sure
about that lice thing?
- 73% sure.
- All right.
That's good enough for me.
Let's go to work.
- All right. Now, when you see
an attractive lady like that,
What do you usually do?
- A little bit of sweet-talking
and a whole lot of
Huh! Huh! Ha!
- Ok. Tell you what.
Just do your thing
and leave the rest to me.
- Want to some johnny brav-os?
Part of this
nutritious breakfast.
[hawaiian music playing]
- coconut stew, coconut stew
everybody's playing
the coconut stew
- You know, normally,
i'd never go out with you,
But seeing as you
have such good taste
in funny-looking friends,
How can i say no?
- This guy is good.
- here's the story
about my funny-looking friend
from the sweet,
sweet beginning
to the bitter, bitter end
i use him, abuse him,
but never want to lose him
he gets me chicks
just by looking funny
he's your pal,
he's your buddy
and your best friend, too
but the nicest thing of all
he's even funnier-looking
than you-hoo
me and him,
my funny-looking friend
from the sweet,
sweet beginning
to the bitter, bitter end
i use him, abuse him,
but never want to lose him
he's goofy and frazzy
but gots the razzmatazzy
he gets me the chicks
just by looking funny
- funny
- funny, oh, yeah, funny
he's your pal,
he's your buddy,
and your best friend, too
but the nicest thing of all
he's even funnier-looking
that you-hoo
me and him,
my funny-looking friend
from the sweet,
sweet beginning
to the bitter, bitter end
i use him, abuse him,
but never want to lose him
he's goofy and frazzy
but gots the razzmatazzy
he gets me the chicks
just by looking funny
- funny
- funny, oh, yeah, funny
- Are we a team,
or are we a team?
- Yeah. About that.
Johnny bravo's going solo.
- What? Why?
- Let's just say,
i got a houseful of hot tamales
And one big appetite.
- I'm not following you.
- Let's just say,
i got a houseful of hot tamales
And one big appetite.
How do i put this nicely?
Beat it!
[all talking at once]
Keep sitting pretty, pretties,
while i go freshen up. Huh!
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is the most
babe-gettingest one of all?
That's right.
Me, johnny bravo! Huh!
If you'll excuse me.
[crickets chirping]
Oh, where, oh, where
have my chickadees gone?
Oh, where,
oh, where, could they be?
Oh, mama!
- Hey, bee-fcake,
this bee-n dip can't be bee-t.
Don't bee-lieve me?
Then it would bee-hoove you
to ask my bee-ver.
- It is rather good.
- Right.
[all talking at once]
- Hey, johnny.
- I don't get it.
How did you end up
with all the babes?
- Well, i couldn't have done it
without you, johnny bravo,
My funny-looking friend.
- Wait.
Who's he calling funny-looking?
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turner entertainment group
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