Johnny Bravo (1997) s04e06 Episode Script

1
- 1, 2, 3, huh!
- Baby!
Sassy!
Studly!
Ooh! Check the pecs!
Hoo! Hah! Hoo!
Man, i'm pretty!
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there, baby!
Yeah, whatever.
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[thunder]
[popping]
- You know, they should
make the popcorn channel.
- Honey, that's
a brilliant idea!
Then we could watch popcorn pop
24 hours a day!
- So then, how would
you eat the popcorn
If it's on tv?
- Why do you have
to ruin everything?
[beeping]
- Ooh! Hot! Hot!
- Don't you just love tv night?
Now we can sit up all night
and zone out till we pass out!
- I got the drinks!
- Check!
Napkins and doilies?
- Check!
- Oh, yeah! It's party time!
- TvBring it on.
What the--
[clicking]
- Maybe you're pressing
the wrong button.
- It'sNotWorking!
- Maybe the tv's broken.
- Watch your mouth, kid!
It can hear you!
- I think she's right, honey.
There's nothing we can do
if the tv's broken.
We're just gonna have to find
something else to do
To pass the time.
- But what else is there
besides watching tv?
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- I know! We should do
what they used to do
Before the invention of tv!
- Hunt dinosaurs?
- No, silly.
We should tell each other
folk tales!
- I'd rather hunt dinosaurs.
- Now, if we're gonna do this,
We're gonna do it right!
- Mama
Mama!
- Oh, calm down.
I'm just setting the mood.
- Oh. Yeah. I knew that.
- So, what kind of
story do you want?
Sunshine and meatballs?
Or creepy bunko?
- Aah!
- Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!
- Cree-e-e-epy, you say?
Then cree-e-e-epy it is!
Waah hah hah hah!
- Mama? Is that still you?
- Sunshine and meatballs!
- Phew!
- Creepy bunko!
- Ooh!
- Yay!
- This story is one of
my all-time favorites.
It's entitled
"the arms that wouldn't quit!"
Once upon a time,
there was a beautiful man
Who loved his body.
- Boy, do i love my body!
Mm-hmm! It's like
too much heaven!
- Every day, the man would
begin his morning workout
Doing dumbbell curls.
- Man, i'm good!
- But this was no ordinary day.
Unfortunately, the man
became so mesmerized
By the sweeping
motion of his arm
That he kept on going.
- Wow, i think i'm
jealous of myself!
- The motion was so hypnotic,
It eventually put
the poor man to sleep.
When the man woke up,
He discovered something
horrifying:
His right arm was now
5 times its original size!
- This is so not good!
- To balance himself out,
The man furiously began
doing dumbbell curls
On his other arm.
- Work it, own it, work it,
own it, work it, own it!
- Unfortunately, he overdid it,
And made that one even bigger!
- Oh, man!
- This made the right arm
jealous,
So it furiously began
working itself out.
Not wanting to be inferior,
The left arm feverishly
began a second workout.
- I knew i should have
done aerobics today.
- As they continued
to grow in size,
The arms found that the man
was holding them back.
So without warning,
The arms detached from the man
And set off to work out
Without a body to tie them down!
- Seriously, who
wrote this story?
- The two did anything
and everything they could
To pump themselves up!
And pump they did!
- Looks like i need
to rethink my workout.
- Finally, the two decided to
have an arm-wrestling contest
To prove once and for all
who was better than whom!
As the two arms battled it out,
It was apparent that
there was to be no winner.
And what happened to the man
with no arms, you ask?
Well, some people say
That he goes from door to door,
to this very day,
Looking for a donation--
That is, if you don't mind
Giving a handout!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
[knocking]
- aaah!
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
- Donny osmond?!
- Donny osmond?!
- Brrr! It's cold outside.
Did i miss tv night?
- Hey, mama, who invited him?
- Oh, johnny! Goodwill and cheer
don't need an invitation!
They just come naturally.
- Hi, donny! Come on in
and sit down.
The tv's broken, so we're
telling each other folk tales.
- No way! I am so there!
Whose turn is it now?
- Well, i think--
- Oh, wait! One just came to me!
But i can wait my turn.
- Ok, so i think--
- Or could i?
No, wait, sorry. I can wait.
- That sounds--
- then again, it is short.
- Will you knock it off?
Just tell your story
before your head explodes.
- Well, if you insist!
Now, this story is one
that's been passed down
Through the many
generations of osmonds.
It's entitled"jack & jill."
Jack and jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
and broke his crown--
- And jill came tumbling after.
- And jill came tumbling after.
- So you've heard this one!
Well then, let's finish
it out all together!
Then all of a sudden,
a monster appeared;
From under the hill he came;
To ravage the land,
and pillage and loot;
To him, it was all just a game.
So jack took a tree
from out of the ground
And batted the beast away;
He flew way up high,
straight into the clouds,
And is out there
to this very day.
So make sure that you're good
to all those you love
Or the beast will
fall from the sky;
He'll land on your head
and squish you to bits
Even if you tell a lie!
Ha ha hee hee!
My brother alan used to tell me
that story every night.
Hey, weren't we supposed to
finish that story together?
- Ok, then! I think
it's suzy's turn.
- Awesome!
This is so great!
They should have a tv channel
that just tells stories
24 hours a day!
- Or one that would
make you disappear.
- You mean, like
a magic channel?
- Yeah, something like that.
- Ahem!
- We'll talk later.
But i love that magic idea!
- My story is a beautiful tale--
A fable, if you will--
entitled
"the toad and the mermaid."
Once upon a time,
in a land far, far away,
There was a prince who was
thoughtless, selfish,
And insensitive.
One day, while hitting on
a beautiful enchantress,
The prince went a little too far
and made the enchantress angry.
So as punishment, the prince was
transformed into an ugly toad,
So that he could feel
what it was like to be
Well, an ugly toad.
In order to break the spell,
she told him,
"you must find the kiss
of true love.
"only someone who loves you
for who you are
Will be able to turn you
back into the prince."
[birds chirping]
Now, in this faraway land,
There were many princesses of
which the toad could choose from
To find his true love.
- everything
makes me want to sing
la la la la la
like this apple,
which i'd like
to gnaw-ah-ah-ahhh
- Ahem!
- [gasp]
- Unfortunately, the toad
still had a thing or two
To learn about women.
- Wouldn't you rather
save your lips
For the flava you crave-uh?
Mm-hmm?
[puckering]
Oof! I'll take that
as a "maybe."
- As the prince
stewed in his misery,
The beautiful mermaid suzanne
rode upon the scene
Atop her beautiful
white unicorn.
- Boring!
- Do you mind? Suzanne's in
the middle of her big entrance!
- You mean, boring entrance.
- Johnny!
- Hey, what if she were riding
A long-eared donkey?
That would make a story
less boring.
- Anyhow
- Whoa! Ow!
- Nice donkey.
- Oh, prince,
will you never learn?
You must be patient and kind
in order to find the kiss of
true love.
- Yeah yeah, blah blah blah.
What about a kissing booth?
And those princesses you were
talking about earlier--
They'd probably be
chomping at the bit
To turn me back into a prince!
Now that's what
i'm talking about!
- Yes, but only
the kiss of true love
Can turn you back into a prince.
[kiss]
- true love right here!
And we lived happily ever after!
- Eww!
- But--
- like i said,
It has to be a kiss
of true love.
[kiss]
- true love, happiness,
End of story.
- [gasp]
- True love doesn't lie.
- Ah, maybe in your world!
- You're never going to find
true love this way.
So then, how's this story
supposed to end,
If i can't find
my kiss of true love?
- Oh, hush up, boy!
- Mama?!
- Like she said:
Only a kiss from someone
Who loves you for who you are
Will be able to turn you
back into a prince.
[kiss]
- After all, who could
love their child
More than their own dear mother?
- Yeah, i guess that works.
- Hey, why doesn't it end
with the prince marrying
Some hot princess chick?
- Duh! Because
it's not your story.
- Well, what if i--
- hey now!
Who's in the mood for fudge?
- Fudge!
- Fudge!
- I am so there!
Whoa! Oof!
HeyA cord!
Maybe if we follow it,
we'll reach a pot of gold!
Ohh. Oh, well!
Who needs gold when
you got good times?
- You mean to tell me the tv
was unplugged the whole time?
- I must have forgotten to plug
it back when i was vacuuming!
- Hey! "kung fu baywatch
and chicks"!
- Cool beans! I love ninjas!
- Oh, no! How are they going
to get out of this one?
- I know! And how do they
run in those high heels?
- Now that's entertainment!
- I love me, i love me do.
I love me, i love me do.
I love me, i love me do!
- Johnny! Guess what i did!
- Created the handsomest,
most funky man in the universe!
- Well, yes. But i also
booked us two tickets
To paris, france!
- France?
You mean the home of french
fries and french toast
And hot french chicks?
- The very same! Just think
of the fun we'll have!
Seeing the eiffel tower
And the arc de triomphe
And notre dame!
- Yeah. Imagine me
at the eiffel tower
And the arch de trumph
And notre dame!
So when we jettin', mama?
- Well, first, i've signed us up
for a french class.
- Class?!
Do they teach kissing?
Mmm-waah!
- No! It'll teach us
about the french food,
Their art, their language!
- Aw, mama, i don't
need any of that stuff,
Especially the language.
Oh, mama!
Pretty good, huh?
- Unless you can't read!
- Bonjour. Bienvenue
a le cours francais.
- UhMama,
- Oh, man.
- Je suis monsieur franc.
- Bonjour, monsieur franc.
- Bonjour, monsieur franc.
- Ah! And who do we have here?
- I'm bunny bravo!
- Madame lapin!
- No!Bunny.
My name is bunny!
- Oui, oui! "lapin"
is french for
Bunny.
- Hee hee hee hee!
- Oh, brother.
- And this is your little boy?
- Oh, yes!
This is my johnny.
We're going to paris, france!
[cow moos]
- Class, this is a crash course
in le french.
In order to be deemed worthy
of visiting the luminous
city of lights,
You have to pay attention,
and pass the cumulative exam
At the end of the class.
- Is he still talking
french? 'cause i don't
get a word of that.
- Shh!
- Maintenant. Now, let us start
with the language.
French, as you know,
is the language of love.
"l'amour," as we say in france.
- Hey, hey, hey! Hyah!
Leave the l'amour for le johnny
AndLe babes!
Now, just to freshen up
on my bravo-bilities,
How do i say "hello,
mama" in french?
- That would be "bonjour, mama."
- Bon jovi?
- "jour," "jour."
- BonJour.
That's "hello"?
- No, that is "good day"!
That is what we say in france!
- What if it ain't day?
- Fie!
Since you are butchering
our language,
Let us move on
to the french food.
- Cool! You got any 7-layer dip?
[flies buzzing]
- Whoa-ohh-whoa!
Man, your dairy products smell
a little ripe for the picking.
- Let us move on.
I would like a volunteer
to dine with me.
- French or not, food is food.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
- Oui, madame! Come, come!
- Aw, man! But i only had
two breakfasts today.
- As an appetizer,
wonderfully delicious
Stinky cheese on a cracker!
Very good, yes?
- Oh, it's very good! More?
- Savor it in your palate,
And i will be back
with more delicacies.
[spitting up]
- Oh, johnny! That tastes
as bad as it smells!
Tres yucky!
- Well! I ain't having my mama
Eating no more of
this nastiness!
This is a job for
Johnny bravo!
- Ohh!
- What is this?
- Uh, yeah. This is me
switching places with mama.
Like i said, i'm hungry--
Even for your crazy,
smelly food.
- It is a plate of
a french delicacy
That i know you will enjoy.
What johnny doesn't know
is that this french delicacy
Is actually snails.
- Mmm. CrunchyAnd chewy!
- You are not supposed
to eat the shell, boy!
- Oh.
AlmostAlmost
Oh, man!
[class laughs]
[class laughs]
- Grrr!
[laughter continues]
Now that monsieur johnny has
also ruined our french cuisine,
We will try to relax,
Enjoying some beautiful
art de la france.
First, the amazing
Mona lisa!
[gasping]
[all]
- ooh!
- Also at the louvre
is the venus de milo.
- Where's her arms?
- Uh, yes, due to
the passage of time,
The venus de milo's arms have
unfortunately broken off.
- Cheap!
- But, if you will all
Come and look at her closely,
You can see the detail of this
wonderful masterpiece.
[all]
- ooh! Aah!
- And now, class, i hope you
have been paying attention,
For now, we will see
if you are "en vogue."
So put on your thinking caps--
Or "chapeau de pensee,"
as we say in paree--
For now, we come
to our grand final!
Vive la france!
[laughter]
- Hey, this statue's
kind of fun!
Can you buy one
in a leopard print?
- Why, youYou
Felicitations, caroline!
You get to go to france!
- Oui!
- And finalement
Le johnny bravo!
[slight applause]
- Oui!
- Now, johnny,
Let us see what you know,
Or what you don't know.
Heh heh heh heh!
First question:
I am walking down
the champs elysees
And i see a dog.
What do i do,
pet the dog
Or enjoy some stinky cheese?
- Um, pet the dog?
[buzzer]
- No! I am french!
I ignore the dog, and enjoy
some stinky cheese!
Next: I have entered
a new car lot.
Do i buy an suv
or enjoy some stinky cheese?
- Oh, man, you gotta
buy that suv!
[buzzer]
- no!
I buy the suv and fill it
with stinky cheese!
- Hey!
- Come on, johnny!
You can do it!
- If you're french,
which do you prefer:
Le whiz of cheez, or
Le stinky cheese?
- I'll take the whiz!
[buzzer]
- No, no!
Once again, it was
the stinky cheese!
- What are the chances?!
- Stinky cheese!
Stinky cheese!
Stinky cheese!
- Hold on now! I think
i'm seeing a pattern here.
- For our final question,
In which i give you the option
of all or nothing,
Which is to say: If you get
this right, you get it all;
But if you get it wrong,
you get nothing!
- Ohh!
- If i were to enjoy a baguette,
What would i enjoy it with?
A pack of delicious,
creamy, smooth butter,
Or a slice of fetid,
fusty, musty,
Malodorous, putrid, rancid,
and smelly cheese?
- I'm gonna say
The stinky cheese!
[horn sounds]
- you won, johnny!
You get to go to france!
- Excuse me one sec, mama.
Before i invade your country,
I just have one thing
to say to you:
[drawn out]
le los..Er!
i'm gonna go to france!
I'm gonna go to france!
- No!
[snarling]
I will not accept this defeat!
I will not subject my country
to your ignorance!
I challenge you to a duel!
- En garde!
- Are you threatening me
with bread?
- Aaahh!
- Touche!
You, monsieur bravo,
have failed.
And with that failure,
I destroy your ticket
Your passport
AndYour hair.
- What the--?
- Oh ho ho ho!
I am mean, no?
- Hold it right there, franc!
- Madame lapin!
- That's bunny bravo
to you, buddy!
- What is the problem? We can
still experience l'amour.
It is not you who i am
banishing from france.
- No, but it's my johnny!
And you can tear up his ticket,
you can crumple his passport,
But you cannot
mess with his 'do!
Au revoir to you,
monsieur snooty-pants!
- But mama, where are
we gonna go for our vacation?
- Oh, johnny, we'll
always have paris!
Paris, texas, that is!
Now, if i can just figure out
this crazy language!
[clearing throat]
"howdy, y'all! Can i get
an order of them there
french friesY'all?
Hee hee! Can you believe
how great paris is, johnny?
- Yes, i can!
I can-can can-can can-can
can-can can-can can-can
can-can can-can can-can
can-can can-can can-can can
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