Kiff (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
CHORUS: Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff!
Kiff-Kiff-Kiff-Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiff! Kiff! Kiff!
Kiiiiff!
(giggle)
SECRETARY PRINCE: Brought to you
by Yoga for Principals. Loosen up.
HELEN: Uh, Principal Secretary, a word!
Helen. He’s doing private,
principal stuff.
SECRETARY PRINCE:
Sorry, she’s a slippery one
(gulps)
HELEN: Why does my school ID
say I’m 712?
(nervous chuckle) Uh, aren’t you?
I don’t look a day over 200
and you know it!
You have to fix it.
No special requests, Helen.
Time for your daily small talk
in the Teacher’s Lounge.
Ooh, fun! Sorry, Helen, my hands are tied.
-(door closes)
-Well, mine aren’t.
Luckily, I have a computer gremlin
for just such an occasion.
You know what to do.
(beeping)
School IDs.
Helen.
Helen. Age 217, uh huh. Print.
Good. Got what I wanted.
No loose ends to tie up here.
Ah, beauty sleep.
COMPUTER GREMLIN: Helen?
Helen!
(sighs) Guess I live here now.
(wind instrument music)
(dramatic music)
What happened next, Miss Deer Teacher?
The heart has four chambers,
and all were beating like a drum
when Penelope met Captain Todd
for the first time!
Oh?
Barry Buns, you are coming with us.
Okay.
What’s going on?
I’ll have you know that that bunny
is supposed to be in high school!
Says so on the system.
There’s been a mistake.
You’ve got the wrong kid.
-(dramatic music)
-VOICE: Teenager
(gasps) He's a teen.
Barry?
Wha-- How did I miss the signs?
Sometimes it’s the ones we least expect.
Wait! Barry can’t go to high school yet-.
Kiff, Kiff! It’s okay.
I’ll never make it in high school.
They’re bound to send me back
by the end of the day.
(dramatic music plays)
So, word on the playground
is that you’re in the market
for a new bestie.
Would you consider the Trevstor?
(rock music plays)
It’s a short-term gig, Trev.
Barry’ll be back.
Eh, but, sure. You can sit there.
TREVOR: Wanna share?
Ugh, you can keep the fish paste sammie.
We can just eat
next to each other like pals.
Okay! (munches)
(loud mouth smacking)
Mmm. (chomping)
Mm.
Do you always eat so
interactively?
Oh, sorry, I’m almost done.
(chomps) Mm.
High school
Oh, yeah ♪
High school
Oh, yeah ♪
High school ♪
These kids are gr-grown-up people!
Nameless dude
Is shaving, yeah ♪
I miss Kiff.
All right, whose scene
must I suffer through next? Kiff?
Kiff?
But my scene's with Barry
and he's not here.
(mocking) "My scene's with Barry
and he's not here"
Up you get.
(clears throat)
What?
Whoa.
Whoa! Are you sure?
(student coughs)
(chuckles) Is that so?
Oh, Kiff, that was terrible.
BARRY: Oh, Kiff.
The good ol’ days.
Hey, bro, what's your name?
Hey, did you see the new episode
of Teen Creek?
New kid, huh?
(suspenseful music plays)
(music continues)
You’re the coolest kid I’ve ever seen
and I look in the mirror every day.
(overlapping questions)
(bell rings)
Barry! Barry, over here!
(grunts) Of course,
Barry's killin' it in high school.
He's a prodigy, a wunderkind!
They’d be crazy to send him back.
-I’ve got to go to him.
-(sad rock ballad plays)
So I guess it's goodbye childhood?
(bell rings)
(rock music plays)
I don't know you. You a high schooler?
I think my ripped jeans
speak for themselves.
-Kiff?
-Barry!
-What’re you doing in high school?
-I can’t believe it’s you in the fur!
BOTH: I missed you so much!
(blows raspberry)
I mean, whatever. (chuckles)
Yeah, whatever.
Whatever.
Teen mags, no eye contact ♪
Say goodbye
To your juice box ♪
A whole new range of apps ♪
Why don’t you add me
On ClipClop? ♪
Acting like you don’t care ♪
When you really do care ♪
Like you definitely
Really do care! ♪
We’re in high school now! ♪
A whole new world
For you and me ♪
Filled with angst and irony ♪
A vast array of
Pimple creams! ♪
We’re really living our teenage dream ♪
OMG, like totally wow ♪
We’re in high school now! ♪
We’re in high school now! ♪
We’re in high school now! ♪
(both scream)
Whoa, fun is history ♪
And math now has the ABC! ♪
I don’t know
What I’m supposed to be? ♪
What on earth’s
The economy? ♪
Can someone please
Just tell me how ♪
We’re in high school now? ♪
This isn't middle school.
Paint what you see!
Great art is concerned
with moral imperfection.
(sighs) Okay, I know
you're probably too cool to agree but,
I hate high school!
Kiff, I hate it, too.
Really?
Yeah, but there's nothing
we can do about it.
(sighs) I wish there was a way
to prove that you're just a kid.
That we don't belong here.
Maybe there is a way.
Hand me those paints.
As you can see, no real high-schoolers
can do art this bad.
We don't belong there, PS.
Barry and I are clearly meant to be
in Miss Deer Teacher’s class.
Although I do dabble
in watercolor, I admit.
(sighs) I'm no art expert.
Let me call in a specialist.
Uh, Miss Tulane.
MISS TULANE: Gott im himmel. The horror.
This is unspeakably immature.
The unthinking mess of a small child.
And yet
the naive sophistication of this one
is clearly college level.
Very advanced.
Hm. Interesting
Alrighty then, it's settled.
Kiff will go off to art college,
and Barry will be sent
where he belongs, Kindergarten.
Thank you, Miss Tulane.
Now just to update the system
Squirrel Attack!
-(growling)
-What? Stop this! What's gotten into you?
Barry and I belong in Miss Deer
Teacher's class together!
(grunts)
-(screams)
-(electricity crackling)
PRINCIPAL SECRETARY:
Wait, Helen's taking over
Miss Deer Teacher's class
and Trevor is now the principal?
Secretary Prince, another IT emergency!
-(whimpering)
-I told you to stop opening emails
for principal-only cruise packages.
They’re always spam-- Oh, wait a minute.
(grunts) Hey!
Hey, easy! Get off, hairball!
KIFF AND BARRY: What is that?
"That" is a Fix It Gremlin,
thank you very much.
Who do you work for?
ALL: Helen?
What?
Peel of fruit Reboot.
Ok, well, you should be good now.
Helen out.
Scram, Trevor.
All right, you two non-high schoolers,
(chuckles) Back to class.
Yay!
BARRY: So, what d'you say, Kiff,
besties forever, for life?
Are you sure?
I've never been surer about anything else
in the whole wide world.
And galaxy. And space.
(chuckles)
Is that so?
BOTH: And scene!
(applause)
GLARBIN: Brought to you
by Table Town Town Hall Meeting.
Wanna complain? Do it in person.
BARRY: So how does this work again?
It's book club, Barry!
We all read the same book,
and then we talk about it.
So let's start.
Begin reading in three, two, one
(gasps) I knew it!
-Shh!
-(groans)
"An unexpected twist?"
(whimpering)
This chapter's gonna be nuts!
Shh! You know, Kiff,
I always thought you had the potential
to become one of us librarians.
(gasps) I'll never be a shusher like you!
Yes, well,
everything's so intense with you.
But that's just not the way of
The Library.
This isn't fair!
I just get (sighs)
passionate when I read.
There are quieter ways
to experience a book, Kiff.
Observe.
(groans)
(winces)
(sighs)
Silent intensity.
I've tried reading quietly.
Maybe you could take
the shushing down a few notches.
I will never not shush you, squirrel! I--
Wow, that came out really harsh.
(chuckles)
I refuse to be the villain
in your little story,
but this is a library,
and as long as I’m in charge,
all I wanna hear is sweet, sweet silence.
(Barry's stomach growling)
Shh!
Still having gutter issues, Iris?
I was a--
I have a pressing issue!
I'd like to be put in charge
of the public library.
What? No. There's no form for that.
But Uh
There's a chart!
I'm listening.
-Here's the chart.
-I see it.
This point marks
my enjoyment of the library,
as of 9:14 a.m. today.
And here's my enjoyment
a mere minute after being shushed.
-(audience murmuring)
-WOMAN: I can't believe this!
And here it is five minutes later.
These numbers are accurate?
Crunched them three times.
This data’s rock solid, Glarbin,
but if you give me a chance,
I know I can turn this ship around.
Can I even say no
to such a strong projection?
Of course not!
KIFF: It's legit.
So you're in charge, huh?
I thought you'd never "become one of us."
I said I'd never be a shusher like you.
(growls)
Whoops, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna glare. I'm not a villain.
That’s not who I am!
If I were a I villain,
I would glare at you all day,
vowing to never rest
until vengeance was mine!
But I'm not a villain.
(awkward chuckle) I'm so fun!
(chuckles, sighs)
Enty-ways I'm just gonna go back
to my previous profession
as a Soufflé Baker.
Good luck, squirrel!
(snickers) She's gone.
She's gone! (laughs)
All right, this is now a loud library
where being loud is allowed!
Free from oppressive shushing.
And if you need help,
I'll be right here reading
at the reference desk.
Aw, you guys, come on! React!
(snoring)
Ya' gotta be kidding me
-(gasps)
-Gasp out loud, mystery lover.
Gasp like the murderer is chasing you!
-(small gasp)
-(all gasp)
Aw, you're straight-faced
reading a book of funnies.
That's messed up, man. Try one out loud!
Uh, okay
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
(laughs) Hey, that felt good.
Sneakers! Ha! 'Cause they sneak around.
-I get it. (laughs)
-Beautiful, Trevor, beautiful!
(chuckles)
And now for
an unexpected twist!
KID: The ducky went down to the dock.
The ducky went down to the dock.
(chuckles)
What's that ducky gonna do next?
Ducky went down to the dock.
So you think everyone's gonna go flying,
but they don't! They--
Oh, hold on
You plan on wrapping up
your call anytime soon?
Am I being too loud?
Oh, I mean, loud is fine.
But it's, uh, it's supposed to be
for the books, so, uh--
Yeah, yeah, I'm just raving
about how awesome this book is!
Oh, okay.
(sighs) Should I keep it down?
You know, "shhh?"
(gasps) Oh, no! No, I'm not shushing you.
I would never.
Yeah, okay, good. Sorry about that, Mom.
New librarian. Ready for Chapter Two?
MAN (on audiobook):
Welcome to "Is Anybody Listening?"
A podcast about audiobooks.
It's okay. This has gotta be
the loudest it's gonna get
(dance music, cheering)
All of this looks book adjacent.
(commotion continues)
Barr, are you okay?
Where's the rest of book club?
Uh
Okay, I I just got to the part
where Chartreuse betrays Maroon,
and I gotta know what happens next.
No, don't go.
I don't know
if there's something wrong with me,
but I just need to read
silently sometimes.
But don’t feel bad, you did it!
You got the library to be so loud.
A real win for Kiff! (chuckles)
I’m gonna scoot my boot.
Barry
Who reads at the club anyway?
This isn't the club. It's a library!
You know, a quiet place?
Shhh!
Oh, no, here it comes again
Ahh
Shhh!
You can't do that. It's a loud library!
Shhhh! Shhhh!
Shhhhhhhh!
(sighs) It's too loud, they can't hear me.
Nobody can shush this crowd.
Except
-(bell rings)
-Hello?
Shhh! Use your "soufflé bakery" voice
in here please.
How's "loud library" going?
Oh, you know, same ol' same ol'
Actually, nothing's the same.
Loud library is too loud.
Huh, and you want me to come in there
and snatch the loud outta that crowd?
-Yes!
-Well then, say I was right.
Say, "You're not a villain.
You're a very reasonable librarian."
Say it!
(sighs) I was wrong.
You're not the villain.
I’m the villain. (sobs)
I destroyed the place I love.
I am the villain!
Okay, squirrel, I'll help.
(muffled club music playing)
(panting)
(beeping)
Oh, no, I don't have my library card.
There's no way in.
Wait!
We can't give up.
We're gonna lose the library.
We're not gonna lose the library!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please present shushing identification.
(clears throat) Shhhh!
(whirring, beeping)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Shushing confirmed, Miss Moufflé.
Whoa What is this place?
Every library has a Hush Room
for shush-mergencies.
It’s where we store
our silencing equipment.
It's also my happy place.
(electronic music playing)
-(dance music stops)
-(crowd murmurs)
(soothing music plays)
-Shh!
-Shh!
Shh!
Shh!
(all shushing)
-So then what happened?
-He went down to the dock.
Some sleepytime tea!
(yawns)
KIFF: Soothing Chamomile Peace Mist.
Weighted blanket!
(snoring)
Loud library is now closed.
I repeat, loud library is now closed.
Goodbye! Have a nice day!
Please leave faster.
(birds chirp)
(groans)
That sign doesn't go here anymore.
I get it. I messed up.
No, I mean your sign belongs
here!
You stood up
for what you believed in, squirrel.
And although I was never the villain,
I have to admit,
you made me see that there’s enough room
at the library for what we both want.
So, I’ll take upstairs
as my shush-sanctuary,
and you can have a space for loud readers.
Wha-- This is your happy place!
Well, now it's yours.
Okay, okay, okay. Turn the page in
ALL: Three two one!
(all scream)
(silence)
(closing theme plays)