Kiff (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
(opening theme music playing)
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
(giggles)
(both laughing)
ANNOUNCER: Brought to you
by Bort Grig's Carpet Emporium.
Carpet your world.
KIFF: Thanks for inviting us over, Trevor.
BARRY: Yeah. First time hang.
Yeah, when we got this sick,
new giant TV, I thought,
Kiff and Barry have got to see this thing.
I like that you live
way out in Rolltop Woods.
Like an old wizard.
Are you even listening about my big TV?
I'm talking about sound blasting
out of the carpet and ceiling.
You'll need earmuffs.
BOTH: Yeah, you said that before.
Reclining leather chairs,
suede cup holders,
a voice-activated remote
massages your feet
while you watch TV.
It'll blow your minds.
Trev, buddy, we're already sold.
So, uh, where's the big TV?
I made it up!
My family doesn't own a TV.
My mom keeps her collection
of dried herbs in the spot
where a TV should go.
Oh, and this totally
is an old wizard house.
(birds chirping)
-(sighs)
-So, no suede cup holders then?
You probably both want to leave now,
so I'll turn around and, uh,
make things easy for you.
Huh? We don't care about TV.
Really?
Really.
(camera shutter clicking)
(screams)
-(bell tolling)
-(crows cawing)
(lips smacking)
-Whoa!
-(all laugh)
-(stomach grumbles)
-Heard you loud and clear, tummy.
Do you have any cereal, Trevor?
Mm-hmm. Follow me.
Brace yourself.
I shudder to think what sort
of crunch cereal this house has.
-Uh, hungry for oats?
-(chuckles)
BARRY: Whoa! Choco Lanterns.
Hay Barrels. Corn Fakes.
Grape Rubber Boomz!
Yumpers? Dandies? (gasps)
Andrew's Mix?
Whoa, baby!
(sniffs) I didn't even think
you could get Yumpers in this country.
Whoa, you guys sure love cereal.
I should've opened with this.
KIFF: Gosh, I don't know
which one to try first.
(gasps)
Gentleman and gentleman,
I present to you Kiff's Mix.
(spoons clang)
(shuddering)
Oh, transcendent!
Oh, the harmony.
All my life, I've felt I was destined
to do something great.
And now I know it was to do this.
Create the world's best bowl of cereal.
Can you make us some more?
KIFF: A little bit of this,
a little of that.
No! It's all wrong!
I'm already forgetting
what it tasted like.
I'm just happy you're both still here.
It's all gravy.
Stop! There's still some cereal milk
left from the original bowl.
We can work backwards from this.
But how?
Table Town Science Lab?
I've got a cereal milk sample
I need analysis on, stat.
Yeah? Yeah?
All right! Thank you so much!
They said no,
unless we can cough up
100 nuts for the lab fee.
Do you get Internet on your phone?
Can we stream TV on that baby?
Trevor, focus!
Gather round and gather up.
I'm here to spread the good word
about a magical mixture
of all the best cereals
that will dazzle your taste buds.
That's right, folks.
Kiff's Mix.
Available tomorrow at Trevor's house
for the low, low cost of one nut per bowl.
Why would we buy cereal from you
with our own money?
We all have cereal at home
that our parents bought for us.
I'm losing them. Trev, you want to tap in?
What? Why me?
You are a natural-born showman.
Yeah, you really had us going
about that big, fake TV.
Just go out there
and do exactly the same thing.
Go out there. Yeah.
(all murmuring)
Hi, everybody. So, uh, Kiff's Mix has
suede cup holders.
The cereal has cup holders?
(crowd murmuring)
Not exactly the same thing.
Hey! I want to hear more
about these cup holders.
-(excited chatter)
-Wait, they like it. Keep going.
Each box has a voice-activated remote
that massages your feet.
(excited chatter)
Each box has a reclining leather chair.
(applause)
Each bite will blow your minds!
-(all cheer)
-(coins clattering)
Table Town Lab, here we come.
You know, when I took this job,
I thought it was gonna be
a lot more stuff like this.
Handling milk.
(electrical crackling)
Oh, here comes your data.
Okay.
6% Yumpers.
Got that. I did that.
Uh What?
(gasps)
1% unknown?
Your cereal contains an ingredient
currently unknown to science!
Well, how are we supposed
to find an unknown ingredient?
You must have had it around
the day you mixed the first cereal, right?
Retrace your steps and you'll find
the right ingredient.
That's what I do.
(birds chirping)
Let's do this.
(camera shutter clicking)
-No!
-(bells tolling)
(lips smacking)
-Ah.
-(laughs)
Okay, now what?
(stomach grumbles)
Shh, tummy. We're trying to think.
Wait, that's what happened
last time. To the kitchen!
I was mixing the cereals,
and Trevor was getting the spoons,
then Barry was holding the big bowl.
This is hopeless!
My new friends, I mean, the investors,
are gonna be here soon!
(hyperventilates)
-Hopeless.
-Trevor.
What is up with you today?
You're gonna make Barry cry.
Oh, here come the waterworks again.
Again?
Your mixing was so beautiful
last time, I was moved to tears.
KIFF: Gentleman and gentleman,
I present to you Kiff's Mix.
Barry, that's it!
Your tears are the secret ingredient!
There might just be enough time
to prep all the cereal.
Six percent this, two percent that.
Great. All we need now
is ye olde secret ingredient.
Barry, you're up.
(grunting)
I can't force a cry.
I have to feel something.
I know what always makes you cry.
Commercials on TV.
We're doomed.
Wait. Unless
You've walked so far
On the path of life ♪
And there's still a ways to go ♪
Oh, no.
Because every step on the street ♪
Hurts your little feet ♪
And there's so much you don't know ♪
Hardwood ♪
It's not good ♪
Cobblestone ♪
Hobble home ♪
Something sentimental ♪
Diamonds and pearls ♪
Bort Grig's Carpet Emporium ♪
Carpet your world ♪
Why can't we all have carpet so nice?
(sobbing)
-(pounding on door)
-CANDLE: Hello?
It's tomorrow.
We're here
for this so-called miracle cereal.
-Let us in!
-Ah! They're here.
Welcome, welcome.
WOMAN: Make with the Kiff's Mix!
One sec.
Come on, slowpokes.
We need to move product.
Pedal to the metal.
I'm going as fast as I can, Trev.
-Just think of the demand.
-What do you mean?
We're going to mass-produce Kiff's Mix.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We never discussed that.
We'd be fools not to expand.
Remember, Kiff, it's your destiny.
Huh? Never noticed this tube before.
(grunting)
(sobbing)
No!
Kiff, what are you doing?
Easy, easy!
(crowd chanting) Kiff's Mix!
Kiff's Mix! Kiff's Mix!
TREVOR: Don't do anything
you'll regret, Kiff.
There's an angry mob
of my potential new friends out there
who we promised that cereal to!
Say this is the last batch,
or it all goes sinkside.
Uh
Okay, okay.
I'll never make another batch
of Kiff's Mix.
I promise.
-(grunts)
-Ah!
Trevor, what have you done?
You're fired, Kiff.
We have the recipe.
-Barry and I don't need you.
-(pounding on door)
Can't we just go back
to when we were three friends
eating ten cereals at once?
(sobbing)
Yes, yes! Liquid gold.
Keep 'em coming.
Trevor, stop it, you weirdo.
Stop trying to collect Barry's tears.
But they make the cereal taste so good!
Wait. What?
Oh, hey, guys.
Just collecting Barry's tears
to make more delicious Kiff's Mix
for everybody.
They're the special secret ingredient.
(whimpers)
Ew.
(angry chatter)
They're all leaving.
We know, Trev. And it's okay.
I'm sorry I got so crazy back there.
The real thing
that made Kiff's Mix so good
was eating it
with two good buddies like you.
(spoons clang)
I liked seeing a more intense side
of you, actually.
Like an evil old wizard.
All right, ready for this, Trevor?
Oh, I was born ready.
Something something sentimental ♪
Diamonds and pearls ♪
Bort Grig's Carpet Emporium ♪
Carpet your world ♪
(all sobbing)
ANNOUNCER: This episode's
brought to you by Fly Guys,
the 32-year anniversary
volleyball edition, out now.
(laughs) I can't believe
I'm finally meeting
your old college friends.
-(both gasp)
-They're here.
(excited chatter)
Let me guess.
This must be Meryl,
the world-famous architect.
I designed this airport.
Deryl, pre-eminent chocolatier.
(exclaims)
Cheryl, renowned jazz songstress.
(scatting)
Nice to meet you.
And I, of course, am Kiff,
the natural, totally not forcing it
fifth and newest member of this group.
Love it!
Baggage claim's right this way.
Whoa, whoa, wee-wah!
This baggage claim makes the auto club
look like Frankenstein's china cabinet.
(all laugh)
KIFF: Laugh, you fool.
(cackles)
Auto club cabinet! Look like!
She'll get it when she's older.
I did get the joke.
Hey, kid, over here.
A hologram.
Are you looking for a quick way
to earn status and respect?
That's exactly what's happening.
Then you should consider becoming a pilot.
(gasps) Of course!
It's so obvious.
Pilots are the pinnacle of maturity.
Just wait till the Eryls
see me piloting my own plane.
Hey, kid, over here.
Welcome to pilot school, cadets.
Here you will undergo a rigorous training,
ending in a bona fide flight test
in front of your loved ones.
I, of course, am Sergeant Hind,
first name Bigby.
(all snicker)
Bigby Hind?
Ha, ha. Very funny.
I've heard them all before, I assure you.
I will now attach your trainee epaulettes.
Everything you've heard about me
is true. I'm intense.
I was an extra in the movie Fly Guys,
and I expect a lot from my cadets.
Cadet Biff, why do you want to be a pilot?
Sir, my parents made a joke and I laughed,
and then they said
I was too young to get the joke,
so I wanted to be a pilot
so they'd finally believe
I got the joke, sir!
Get out.
There's no space on a pilot's plane
for emotional baggage.
Cadet Kiff, same question.
Uh
I want to be a pilot
for the same reason you did, sir.
You have a deep love of clouds?
Bada bing.
Cadet Reggie?
Same, same. The cloud thing.
Not weird baggage about jokes.
-Good, good.
-Whew!
Lesson one, handling heights.
(exhales) We gonna fire up
this bad boy, sarge?
Nope.
(airplane beeping)
Conquer the stairs, conquer your fears.
Kiff, you're first.
BARRY: Kiff!
SERGEANT HIND: Who's that
running on my tarmac?
BARRY: Kiff!
Barry?
Kiff!
Your mom was so worried about you!
You went off for the day
without your sippy cup!
Sippy cup?
Sippy cup?
I don't own a sippy cup.
I haven't touched one of those in years.
Get up those stairs, cadet.
Okay, I got this.
I did get the joke. I did get the joke.
(mocking chatter)
You didn't get the joke.
Kiff, I got you!
(gasps)
Ugh, what happened?
I'm sorry, Kiff. I distracted you.
Why'd you have to bring
my old sippy cup, Bar? It's embarrassing.
-I'll get rid of it. It's gone.
-Wait!
The way you caught your friend
back there was very pilot.
Consider yourself enrolled.
Cadet Barry is my new star student.
Cadet Kiff, you're my new dud.
I don't know
what happened up there, sarge.
We got to move on, cadet.
Okay, let's have some fun, everybody.
The most important part of flying a plane?
Communicating
with your passengers. Observe.
Well, folks, if you look out the, uh
right side of the plane,
you'll get a
pretty nice view of Mount Table.
Wow.
Flightless squirrel, you're up.
(gasps)
You didn't get the joke.
I did get the joke.
-(feedback squealing)
-CHERYL: Joke, joke,
joke, joke, joke
Did you say "joke"?
-No.
-Kiff, what's going on?
Barry, I don't know what's happening.
I can't do this.
Kiff, all you need is some sort
of epic training sequence.
-Will that work?
-Trust me.
(tinny rock music playing)
Uh, folks, we just detected
a montage up ahead.
Getting the joke is a huge part ♪
Of being an adult, they say ♪
Someone says something funny ♪
And everyone laughs ♪
You weren't allowed to
And not be questioned about it ♪
-Broken heart ♪
-To prove you got the joke ♪
Still having fun ♪
You gotta prove you got that joke ♪
It's gonna be a struggle
But you can't give up ♪
It's been years since you used
That little sippy cup ♪
-Broken heart ♪
-To prove you got the joke ♪
Still having fun ♪
You gotta prove you got that joke ♪
Touch the stars ♪
What does this have to do
with being a pilot?
Seriously? Nobody here has seen Fly Guys?
They try to laugh just to fit in ♪
Wet in the drinks you'll be spitting ♪
You're an ace, put them in their place ♪
You know you got it ♪
The joke ♪
You got that joke ♪
You know you got it ♪
You got that joke ♪
You got it ♪
No matter what they do ♪
They can't take laughs ♪
Away from you ♪
Remember that your final test
will be you in action
in a cockpit.
But I'm confident that all of you
will nail your junior pilot's test
tomorrow.
Mommies and daddies welcome.
(indistinct chattering)
(laughter)
-I don't recognize her.
-Oh, my gosh.
-Wow, that's--
-Ahem.
I expect to see you all in attendance.
Good day.
"Kiff Chatterley cordially invites you
to witness her ascension
to highly respected pilot
at an ultra-cool flight simulation."
Wow!
Kiff! Oh, everybody's looking for you.
The test has started.
Reggie's doing his flight.
KIFF: Well, where is he?
Is he already flying high?
He's right in front of you.
Oh, no.
I've way overhyped this.
What happened to the cockpit?
That is a cockpit.
But my pilot's license!
It's a junior pilot's license, kid.
KIFF: Oh, no.
Uh, no.
SERGEANT HIND: Next up, Kiff Chatterley.
(shushing)
-ALL: Aw!
-Cute.
(groans)
There's only one thing to do.
I've just got to own it.
(camera shutter clicks)
Here we go.
(sputters)
That was pretty good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your, uh pilot speaking.
To my right, you'll see my mom
and her, uh cool friends.
And up in this cockpit,
you'll see me, uh
being just as cool.
Kiff did get the joke.
Oh, it's so obvious to me
now that she is piloting
this luxury airplane.
(in slow motion) No!
This better not look funny.
-(all laugh)
-Do not move, cadet.
You could be in shock.
Try slowly moving your hindquarters
to help circulation.
Really? All right.
(all laughing)
(chuckles) Just messing with you.
Obviously, I'm gonna
have to fail you, though.
That was not very pilot.
You know what, sir?
I'm actually fine
with being not very pilot.
-(all gasp)
-That's right.
The only reason I signed up
for these lessons in the first place
was to earn the respect
of my mom and her cool friends.
But I'm tired of pretending.
So here goes.
I didn't get the joke!
-Did she say "joke"?
-Hardly a joke
Did she say "Joe" or "joke"?
Ladies, I did not really get
the joke, either.
I didn't get the joke.
I didn't get the joke.
(inhales deeply)
I didn't get the joke, either.
But it was your joke.
Oh, I was just riffing.
It's a jazz thing, baby.
(laughs) Huzzah.
(all chatter and applaud)
Dad, four years ago at the pool,
I never got the joke.
I love you too, Dad.
SERGEANT HIND: I
hate clouds.
Cadet Kiff, you've earned your wings.
-(laughter)
-CHERYL: Oh, Kiff.
You are high-larious!
Very pilot.
Today, he gets the joke ♪
(closing theme music playing)