Kiff (2021) s01e22 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
Kiff! ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[narrator] Brought to you
by Mango Tango Toothpaste.
For when you're a Tango Guy.
Awake!
Bed made.
Morning.
Small talk, done.
Mmm, breakfast, eaten.
- Kiff
- Ooh, almost forgot.
Mom, hugged!
Kiff, did you brush your tooth?
Oh, I'd love to, Mom,
I've just got some things to do.
- What things?
- You know, things.
- With Barry.
- [knocking at door]
Oh, it's open. Good morning, Chatterleys!
- Good morning, Barry!
- Barry!
Ready for things?
You know I am.
All right, have fun!
Actually, Kiff was just
about to go brush her tooth.
No, I wasn't.
Ah, the morning brush, I know it well.
[whispers] Barry, quit it.
[normal] It's cool, Mama Cat.
I'll just brush twice tomorrow.
I'm a good kid, you know me.
- No.
- No?
Mom, look into my eyes.
I'm just a kid,
standing in front of her mom,
telling her I just really, really,
really don't feel like it today.
You know how it is.
Kiff, just brush your tooth.
Mom!
Dad?
[tense music playing]
I never knew you were this against
brushing your tooth.
I'm not, I just
I really don't feel like it
this one time!
[scoffs] She's being so stubborn.
[Kiff muttering]
Brush my teeth,
I don't wanna brush my teeth.
- I'm not stubborn.
- Usually when--
[muttering] Not stubborn. [groaning]
Usually when you're this fired up,
you erupt into--
A song! Barry, you're a genius.
Hey, maybe you'll understand me better
with a little musical presentation.
[both] Ooh!
I got things, a list of things ♪
It's a checklist of things to do ♪
[microphone feedback]
Eh?
That was great, Kiff!
And you can get to all those things
just as soon as you brush.
[sighs, groans]
- It'll only take a minute!
- [thuds]
The thing I'm wondering is,
could she not just skip it this one time?
No, no, Martin, you give 'em a hand,
they take the whole arm.
- So true.
- Mm.
- You're right.
- I am.
When you're right, you're right.
[loud slurping]
[Kiff groans]
Mmm, okay.
Were you thinking
Bubblegum Blast or Mango Tango?
I'm a Mango Tango Guy, myself.
[harp theme plays]
Put those away, Barry, I'm thinking.
About brushing your tooth?
How not to? Yes.
[gasps] You gotta brush!
This baby gets me so many compliments.
Compliments?
I don't care about compliments,
we've got bigger, better things to do!
[Beryl shouting]
I don't hear any brushing!
[Kiff groans]
Oh, I'll brush.
[distant brushing]
Well, what do you know!
I'm proud of you, Kiff,
and so glad you're not turning this
into one of your little tricks.
Kiff
Mother.
[tense music playing]
Did you brush?
I brushed something.
- Barry?
- Mm?
Is the "something" Kiff brushed, you?
Mm ohh--
Okay, Mom, look, look.
You're about to witness me
be so, so reasonable.
Just let me skip
And?
It'll be so, so reasonable.
Brush now.
[huffs] But [groaning]
[Beryl] Doctor's orders!
[quietly] Doctor's orders, eh?
[Kiff on computer] So, I need you
to explain to my mom
that it's just a minute
of no brushing today, no big deal.
Well, if it's no big deal
why don't you just brush your tooth?
[grunting and groaning]
Kiff, as a medical doctor
who makes several recommendations daily,
I simply cannot recommend
not brushing your tooth.
Doctor, we need you!
You know what, though?
There is this one guy I read about,
back in medical school,
who was shipwrecked on a deserted island
with no toothbrush or toothpaste,
or hope, but there were apples.
In fact, he ate an apple every day
and avoided medical treatment,
and that's where we get the expression,
"An apple is nature's toothbrush."
It is nature's toothbrush!
I thought he was
going somewhere else with that.
[dramatic theme blaring from TV]
[man on TV] Talk to me, Debra.
[Debra] I just can't understand
why Chadley did what he did.
It was a crazy situation.
[man] That's why
I never look at the ceiling.
[thuds]
[chuckling]
Ah, Kiff, you're scaring me.
Ah, ba-ba-ba.
[manic chuckling]
Hey, thank you, parents.
- Hello.
- Clean tooth coming through. Heh.
Hello.
[suspenseful music playing]
[shouting] It's dry!
I used nature's toothbrush.
[stomach rumbling, hiccups]
[sighs] You're only supposed
to use nature's toothbrush
when you don't have an actual toothbrush.
Back upstairs, Kiff,
and this time you need to brush and floss.
Floss? [scoffs] That's not on my list.
In the amount of time
you've spent not brushing your tooth,
you could've done both already.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
[shouting] I'm really not.
Wait a second, Beryl,
didn't you use
nature's toothbrush last night?
I do what I like, Martin. I've been a kid.
I've done my time.
- Don't move.
- [camera shutter clicks]
Yeah, that's cool.
I didn't wanna have to resort to this,
but she's left me no choice.
The time has come to
- Give up.
- make homemade veneers.
Ven ven what now?
In layman's terms,
a nice, big ol' fake tooth.
And this is a quick mix
for a temporary fix?
Or are we-- are we, like,
invested in this long-term?
- 'Cause--
- Just trust me, Barry.
Plaster me up!
Ow'sit 'ook?
It's It's looking.
[harp music plays]
Whoa!
Well, it does look clean.
But is it bigger?
Growth spurt of the dental variety.
It happens.
All right, well,
it looks like you're ready
for those many, many "things."
- Whatever they are.
- Yeah!
She knows.
Ugh!
I don't know what's going on
with my mom today,
but this obviously has nothing
to do with my tooth.
She's just projecting
her obsession with dental hygiene onto me.
And I know I could have convinced her
with a song this morning.
It's so weird
that I couldn't think of anything.
They usually come to me just like that!
But I just can't think of one today.
For all intense and porpoises,
it sounds like a common case
of songwriter's block.
Usually I wake up,
brush my tooth, hug my mom,
and then a song just comes to me
and then I-- [gasps]
Of course! It's the "Shower Principle,"
the phenomenon where inspiration hits
while you're zoned out,
doing the boring tasks you do every day.
I know what's missing!
[upbeat music playing]
All I gotta do is brush
[gagging] Is it working?
[water running, plates clink]
[Kiff clears throat]
"Kiff, did you brush your tooth?"
Oh, I'd love to, Mom,
I've just got some things to do.
What things?
I got things! Things to be done ♪
Things to be done not just by anyone ♪
I've got things, things
So many things ♪
- Too many things to mention ♪
- Try.
- Barry is here for thing one ♪
- Hi.
If we harness the power of the sun ♪
We can create an invention
whose only intention ♪
Is giving back rubs to this swan ♪
[chuckles] This swan is stressed out, Mom.
- Just look at his face.
- Uh-oh.
Things! Things to be done ♪
Things to be done not just by anyone ♪
I got things, things, so many things ♪
Too many things to mention ♪
Next thing, I gotta go to the pool ♪
Swim all around, then stop a duel ♪
'Cause Helen is having a feud ♪
With a moth she thinks is rude ♪
Things! So many things ♪
Things on things, things ♪
Things! So many things ♪
Things on things on things ♪
What's this?
Just one of the things on my list,
it's called "the noodle."
I'm a person, Mom,
with things to be done ♪
Things to be done not just by anyone ♪
I got things, things, personal things ♪
Too many things to mention ♪
- Things, things ♪
- Things, things ♪
Too many things to mention ♪
You know, things.
You're so talented.
You know what, Kiff? You got me.
You don't have
to brush your tooth this morning.
Yes!
But, you'll need
to brush your tooth tonight.
Of course, that's only fair.
Which is now!
[insects chirping]
A real win for Kiff.
[spits]
[upbeat music plays]
[woman] Brought to you by Shred Faster.
Shred Faster!
[dramatic music playing]
You're about to become
junk mail!
[closing theme music playing]
[Kiff] Wow.
You know what this Chubbles marathon
got me in the mood for?
More Chubbles! Restarting the movie.
[Kiff] Wait, what's happening?
[Chubbles] You're about
to become junk nail!
Oh. Heh. Junk nail.
Whoops, sorry, that isn't right.
Sorry, everyone. Let's go back.
Oh, I've heard of these, they're bloopers.
Like cute little mistakes
and mishaps that happen during filming.
Directors sometimes put them
at the end of their films.
[Chubbles] Oh, you'll be the death of me.
[laughing]
It's weird to see them
acting like real people.
If there's one thing
you should know, Evil Door,
it's that I I
- forgot my line.
- [laughing]
What's my line? Would somebody--
Line!
Hmm, ugh.
- What?
- [laughter]
Hey, I've been looking for this all day.
[laughing]
Let's go!
Ah! Heh.
No, says right here, says right here.
- [laughing]
- Oh, I'm an idiot.
[laughing continues]
[Chubbles]
This is what it's all about, folks!
[laughing] Oh, oh, oh, my ribs.
Amazing. Transcendent.
Visionary!
[Chubbles] Man down! Man do--
[Martin] Sorry, Daddy's turn for the TV.
But, Dad?!
The only "but" I wanna hear
is mine on this couch.
You'll just have to find your bloops
out in the real world.
Okay, let's go.
Here I am walking down the street.
Oh, no, I'm tripping!
[laughing] Whoa, unexpected.
[laughing]
[manic laughing]
[Kiff on recording]
This isn't forced at all!
I don't understand, why aren't
our bloops as good as Chubbles'?
Mmm, maybe because
Chubbles wasn't trying to bloop?
Their bloops just happened
spontaneously during filming.
Yeah, that's it, we can't force a bloop!
We have to make a movie!
Then the bloops will come.
That's brilliant.
Okay, so we have a director,
and we have an actor
and now we just need a script.
[upbeat music playing]
Okay, everyone.
I think we all know why we're here.
To execute your vision
and to make an incredible movie.
No, the movie is irrelevant,
we're just trying to get bloops.
Bloops are my vision, okay?
Okay, let's scoop some bloops.
Action!
Pay attention, class,
because this is the most
important lesson of all.
Let me tell ya something, teach,
it's a dog-eat-bunny world out here.
How exactly is friendship gonna save us?
[dramatic hip-hop music playing]
[thunder rumbling]
[sobbing]
The walls are coming down!
It feels good to feel!
[sobbing continues]
[Trevor] Breathtaking.
Your movie is amazing.
Yeah, I know, but where are the bloops?
Sorry, Kiff, every take was perfect.
Zero potential for bloops.
Ugh, that's what all this is for.
Once again, I have found myself undone
by my own natural talent.
Oh, I get it.
We wrote a sparse indie called
Found in Ambiguity.
It's just people talking,
there's no props
so there's no potential for bloops.
We need props. Props equals bloops.
Script changes!
Okay, so, Barry,
the movie is now a wacky comedy.
You're playing Waiter number three.
So you make your way into the dining room,
carrying this tray of scoops,
weaving around all the salsa dancers,
to cross all these marbles,
and then, you serve the ice cream.
[chuckling]
[laughing] Oh, okay!
Action, people!
[Kiff] Cut!
What the actual heck, people?
Why are you all doing such great work?
[shouting] More script changes!
[groans] They have to be here somewhere.
Under all this unprecedented brilliance,
there has to be a bloop!
Sorry, Kiff, this is all still so amazing.
But if it makes you feel any better,
I think you may have found your calling.
My calling is finding bloops, Trevor.
Where's Barry?
He likes shooting hoops in between takes.
I think it's an actor thing.
All you gotta do is say a cool line
and toss a free throw over your shoulder.
But I can't even make a basket
when I'm looking.
What if I mess this up?
Oh, I'm counting on it.
And [shouts] action!
Where did I get this ball?
I ordered it from the net.
[sighs] I think we all saw that coming.
[shouts] Reset, everyone!
Huh, I ordered it from the net.
Again, saw it coming.
I ordered it from the net.
From the net from the net
net net net net
net net net
net net net net
I ordered it from the net.
Sorry, Kiff, but we have to move on.
- We got 79 perfect takes.
- [ball bounces]
- Eighty.
- [ball bounces]
- Eighty one.
- [ball bounces]
Eighty two.
Ah, we're wasting so much "flim."
- I'm sorry, I meant film.
- [gasps]
Now, Barry and Renee,
you're playing the Lord and Lady
- Lenny Lennington the Eleventh.
- Lord Lenny?
Exactly. I wrote this scene
with so many tongue twisters
that it's impossible not to mess it up.
Bloops, here we come.
Places, people! Action!
When will I wind Wanda's watch
which weathered windy winters
in the west wing?
Billions of baby blankets
bringing Billy's baskets,
brandishing buckets
belonging to blathering bandits
biting bitter biscuits.
Better bite a bit of butter
before banquets brandish Bobby's briskets
backing blocked brackets.
And cut.
Poppycock.
Perchance petty prattling
and pontifications
proves pleasing to this puerile prodigy.
Permit a pleasant parting, my pet.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[laptop] Bobby's briskets
backing blocked brackets.
So much incredible footage
and not a single bloop?
- Worthless.
- Actually it's worth a fortune.
I was in the area and I thought
I'd swing by to see what you got.
And you got moxie, kid.
I wanna invest
20 million nuts in your film.
And I won't take no for an answer.
Twenty million nuts, huh?
Look at all this!
None of us know how to work
any of this expensive equipment.
We're children. [laughs]
It's impossible not to get any bloops.
This is going to be a disaster
of epic propor--
They're calling it
the greatest movie of all time,
and with the arrival of awards season,
we know this sleeper hit
will be blowing up.
Which, strangely,
is the opposite of bombing.
Which it won't do,
because Kiff Chatterley's new film,
Found in Ambiguity,
has taken Tabletown by storm.
Let's take a look.
[suspenseful theme playing]
Veracity? You can't grasp the veracity!
[Barry] I don't need to grasp it.
What I need can be
[narrator] Found in Ambiguity.
And the Tabley
for Best Movie Director, goes to
I knew it. Kiff Chatterley!
[cheering and applause]
Well, I'll be back, guys.
With a new trophy and a broken spirit.
Congratulations.
Yesterday, I set out
to create something beautiful,
something that would bring laughter
to my friends and family.
Bloops.
You are all witness
to my greatest failure.
Today is the worst day of my wife.
[chuckles] Thanks for inviting me
to the wedding, Kiff.
[laughing] She said "wife!"
She said "wife."
We're gonna run that again.
Okay, okay, let's go again.
This is the worst day
- of my wife.
- [laughing]
Talk much?
Who is this wife
and why is she having such a bad day?
- [chuckles]
- [laughing]
Cut! Cut! Let's do it again.
Okay, okay. Sorry, I can do this.
[laughing]
Okay, come on, stop laughing, you guys.
[chuckles] No, seriously, seriously.
Okay. [panting]
Here we go.
Look, we tried to make a movie
for the bloops,
but everything went right
and we slept the Stableys--
[chuckles] Sorry.
Swept the Tableys, sorry.
[laughter]
What does that mean?
This is it.
This is the bloop! [laughs]
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry, sorry.
Okay, let me try again.
- This is the--
- [laughter]
Oh, no, did it again!
Heh. You all,
you all will be the death of me.
[closing theme music playing]