Krapopolis (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

Wife Swamp

- This is it.
We're here.
This is krapopolis.
I swear it's not as bad
as the name sounds.
- Or that looked.
- I bet he deserved it.
- Fisherman, your king returns.
- We have a king?
we're a democracy,
So him not knowing me
means I'm crushing it.
Oh, wow, and here's my family
to greet us.
I guess you guys heard.
- Heard?
- That I fought a kraken,
rescued a princess,
And I'm returning
with a girlfriend.
Am I rushing it?
- Nope.
I'm his girlfriend.
- Yeah,
it's the talk of the town.
- I've got two grilled octopus
and two coconut waters.
- That's us.
What do we owe you?
- Three sandals.
- So you're only here for food?
- In our defense, we got hungry
and forgot you were gone.
Can you break a chicken?
- Do I look like I carry
seven buckets of olives?
- Hey, girlfriend,
welcome to krapopolis.
- Oh!
- We need your sandals.
- We are good for it.
We're royalty.

All: Whoo!
- The goddess deliria
demands this story continue.
- Yes, mother--fifth time
you've interrupted to say that.
- And I was tied to the rock,
And the kraken
was going to eat me.
But then, tyrannis arrived
and rescued me.
- You rescued me.
- You rescued me.
- You fought a kraken?
With what?
- My fist--
punched it on the nose.
I guess that's their weakness.
- That's sharks.
- Well,
turns out nobody likes it.
- Herophile, tyrannis
tells me you're a sea nymph.
Would we know your family?
- Well, my father is poseidon.
All: Ooh!
- Very impressive.
- Oh, so when my son chooses
the daughter of a god,
It's romantic, but--
- But when your mother chooses,
it's gross.
Yeah, you're getting it.
Come on.
- You know what
I'm not getting?
This kraken story.
- Don't be jealous
of your brother, stupendous.
- He can barely swim!
How'd he untie her
in the water?
- Krakens are bad with knots.
- Once again, that's sharks.
- I am bleeding to death.
That can wait.
How is this
a feasible combination?
that's tyrannis' girlfriend.
- Oh, well,
I'm his half brother,
Which I guess
makes us husband and wife
If he gets murdered.
- You were bleeding to death?
- Yeah, because guess
which animal still refuses
To roll over for civilization?
- Wolves.
- Wolves.
- Wolves!
- What is with this rivalry
between humans and wolves?
- They're the only animal
we will never be friends with.
I'm just gonna
say it right now,
They're man's worst enemy.
- Brilliant,
that's gonna stick.
- Mm-hmm.
- You realize this poor
Young lady is sitting here
like a prop.
Can we please give her
a bit of agency?
I'd like you to decide
When you're marrying my son.
- Mom, we just met!
- Her father is poseidon.
- He's gonna propose
to you before sundown.
here's why--
You're the hottest woman
he'll ever have a shot at.
- This family is
the wolves of people.
I guess the legend of our
relationship is spreading now.
- I can't believe the king's
not going to die a virgin!
- Inappropriate!
But hopefully, true.
And there's where people eat,
And there's where they poo.
- Those places are really
close together.
- That's exactly what I said.
You're good at this.
Look, we're on a vase.
- Being in a celebrated
relationship feels
Extra romantic, doesn't it?
- I guess that's why we should
put extra effort into knowing
Where we're at,
keeping it real.
- That's smart.
I agree.
- Your divine royalnesses,
I made a sculpture
of you two meeting.

- Holy balls.
Marry me.
- Yes!
they're getting married--
Mostly because of my work!
- Wolves,
they're smart, yet savage--
Organized, yet impulsive.
- Not unlike man.
- Shlub, if you start with that
"man is just an animal" crap,
I will pin you to the floor
And dominate you
with a non-sexual hump.
- That's why you're the cyclops
for this mission, sis.
This new technology will
allow you to walk among wolves,
Perceived as one of their own.
- Is that a tank of wolf pee?
- Is that a problem?
- You callin' me scared?
I will non-sexually hump you.
- Kids, kids,
there's no need to fight.
We'll all get our chance
in the tank.
- Then let's begin!

- Aah!


- Now that we're friends,
what do you say
We visit your leader?
- My mother will be so happy
we're getting married,
Which I don't even see
as a downside now.
- And I'm so happy
that I'm not even turned off
By how much you mention her.
- I guess I do fixate too much
on proving her wrong.
She represents the old world,
And I never saw a role
for myself in it.
Then I punched a kraken.
I'm a kraken puncher.
- Yeah, you are.
Is that a--
is that a kraken?
- Oh, god, oh, dear god,
do you think it's the same one?
Do I just punch it again?
- I don't know!
- Well, get behind me, I guess.
Or should we run?
- I don't know!
- If we run,
will you still love me?
- I think so.
- Oh, thank god. Run!
- You run, and you're dead.
- Oh, damn it.
- Where's your mother?
She stiffed me.
- See, I'm not the only one
who brings her up--wait, what?
- Excuse me,
what are you saying?
- His mother owes me 20 cows
for the fake kraken fight!
- You're not a real kraken?
- Real kraken, jagoff,
fake fight.
- Whoa.
- Ah.
- Oh, a kraken!
Oh, no!
oh! Owie, owie, owie!
I am slain!
You tell that bitch I'm hungry,
and I'm not going away!
Sorry about the language,
I respect poseidon a lot.
Your dad's what krakens call
a kraken's god.
Oh, and congratulations.
I heard you guys got engaged.
- Thank you
- Thank you
- and deliria's son
fought a kraken and won ♪
because he's deliria's son ♪
- Loving it.
- and poseidon's daughter ♪
called out from the water-- ♪
- Okay, but poseidon
can have his own song.
What if that's where you put
a catchy hook, like--
this is the wedding
of deliria's son ♪
deliria, deliria ♪
- I love that idea.
I'll come up with some lyrics.
- I just gave you the lyrics.
Who told?
The kraken?
- What happened to the crew?
Did they drown?
- I turned them into fish
when they hit the water,
Brought them home,
And set them up
with wives of their own.
Unlike you,
they won't be complaining.
- Do you mind?
- No problem!
- I mean, leave the room!
- Don't talk to my bard
like a slave.
You leave, and you die.
- No problem!
- I thought I was in love!
- You are!
And she's quite taken with you,
oddly enough.
But if the blabbermouth kraken
changed that,
We'll just sweeten
the deal for her.
- I don't want her
to get a deal.
I told you my whole life
I don't want to be
provided with a woman.
- Yes, yes,
you want to earn a woman
By giving her more things
than someone better looking.
It's quite modern, son.
But we've given it a go.
I can't make another child.
You were too much work.
You owe me a grandson
worthy of overthrowing you.
- Well, now I can die the
world's most satisfied virgin
Since I'll finally be
depriving you of something.
- Maybe I should go.
Both: No!
- I'm going.
I have a princess to return.
- So sorry I tried to help you.
- If there were anyone
in this entire world
That wanted your help, mother,
You'd be ruining their life
instead of mine!
- this is the wedding
of deliria's-- ♪
Oh, god, why?
Are they poisonous?
They're not biting.
They're everywhere!
Can I just ask why?
I'll take that as a no!
Whatever I did, I'm sorry!
So many spiders!
Am I allowed to kill them?
I'm killing a lot of them
just by flailing.
If that's some kind of test,
I can try to stand still.
I'll do anything!
I'm so sorry
For whatever I did
to offend you!
I have to get out
of these clothes!
You know, your son does
seem pretty mad at you.

- I'm not doing any actual
navigating, by the way.
I'm just moving
this thing around.
Where do you live again?
- The ocean.
We're here.
- Sorry I'm not
a real kraken puncher.
- I didn't like you for that.
I liked that you wanted
To be free from the gods.
- And here I am dumping you
back with poseidon.
- And then going back
to deliria.
- Gods, they think
they're so high and mighty,
But they're--
well, they're high and mighty,
But they're the ones
that need us.
It would serve them right
if you and I just--
- Disappeared?
I know a place
We could live free.
It's called "the swamp."
The gods never go there.
- Unless "the swamp"
is a special name
For a place that isn't a swamp,
I don't think
anyone goes there.
- Oh, it's a swamp,
but it's a swamp we control.
We could have a kingdom there
And kids.
we could try,
Which I hear is the best part.
And then the kids are--
- Let's do it, tyrannis.
- Let's try it.
Let's swamp it.
- You really mean it?
- I really mean let's try.
hey, everybody.
Two wolves approachin'.
I'll be living with you guys,
Learning your secrets--
not that they're secrets to me.
I'm a wolf.
- Is that your boss?
What'd he say, something good?
Well, that'll
keep the rain out.
I guess the floor got kind of--
- Swamped?
- Exactly.
I'm going to check
On the frog trap.
I may not know
how to trap frogs.
- But we're free.
- Right, and now
we have to stay free forever,
Or I'll be killed.
Oh, boy, get behind me.
I need a weapon.
I need a stick!
Great, now I'm
a master frog catcher.
- Carrots?
- Herophile.
Oh, who are you?
- Her boyfriend.
- I see.
I'm heartbroken,
but I'm not the jealous type.
- You don't have to be.
You have a horse penis.
I'm jealous.
What's the story here?
- Carrots was my first love.
He left me.
- I had to flee
from your father.
I ended up on a tiny island,
Imprisoned by irresistible
centaur women--
Women with the backs
and fronts of horses.
After a year, I realized,
wait, these are just horses.
So I left.
And I remembered
How you used to talk
about the swamp.
- Can we go back to the year
you spent banging horses?
- I could've lied
about that part.
- That's definitely true.
- I didn't come here
to get you back.
- I'll believe it
when I see it.
- I'm just hiding
from your dad.
- Us too.
- Yeah, us too,
The couple moving
into her swamp.
Good luck out there, carrots.
- Tyrannis, he'll die.
- I said "good luck."
Carrots, please do me the honor
Of living in a swamp with me
and your ex-girlfriend.
- I appreciate that.
- I'm saying this right now.
You're both dicks
if you fall back in love,
And I don't care
if my ugly possessiveness
Makes it feel romantic.
It won't be.
It'll be a dick move
That got called ahead of time.
- Perfectly reasonable.
- No, that makes sense.
- Step back.
I'm not wounded.
I'm just in this position
because it's badass.
I said "get back!"
- You makin' fun of me?

You bring one more stick to me
and see what happens.
Thanks for bringing
all those sticks.
- I assume this is,
like, a truce.
So I'm gonna lay down
and either heal or die,
And I'll kill you
in the morning.

- Hunger--uh--
- hungry!
Hungry hunger!
- Eating.
- Yes!
- Come on,
this game was supposed
To take our minds
off starvation.
don't cry, herophile.
We still have one more round.
We can come back.
- I prayed to my father.
Both: What?
- Okay, you can cry now.
Cry hard.
You just killed us!
- I'm sorry.
I didn't know
I'd be on the hook
for everyone's misery.
- Now you're on the hook
for our deaths.
Okay, this is good though.
If we're all being honest,
I hate the swamp,
and I want my mommy.
what are you doing?
- My mom gave me
an emergency ritual--
Some moss,
a good-looking rock, mud.
Gonna just--this looks
like my mom, I think, right?
- You're spending a lot
of time on the breasts.
- You don't get to judge
family dynamics!
Goddess deliria,
mother of the ungrateful,
Goddess deliria,
Mother of the ungrateful--
- My father is coming.
- Shh!
Goddess deliria,
Mother of the ungrateful!
- This is the goddess deliria!
- Yes, yes!
Mom, I'm sorry,
and I need you just to--
- If you'd like
to leave a sacrifice,
You can do so
after this message.
If not, lose this ritual.
- Frog, frog!
Give me the frog!

- Dolphin skis!
Both: Ew.
- I hope you're happy.
This brackish water
Is killing these guys.
Yeah, you're fine now,
but trust me!
- I'm sorry, dad.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Daddy's here.
This ends now.
You're getting married.
Where are these jackasses?
Get over here!
You, horse ass,
what's your name?
- Carrots.
- I don't wanna hear it!
And you, you're deliria's kid,
- Yes.
- That's your name, titmouse?
- No.
- Tell me your name!
- Tyrannis.
- I don't wanna hear it!
Here's how it's gonna go down.
I don't care who marries her
at this point.
One of you is.
The other one is dying.
- Dad, no!
Don't make me choose.
- I'm not.
You'd choose wrong.
At dawn, the two of you
fight to the death
For my amusement,
but more importantly,
To uphold--
No, no--for my amusement.
These dolphins are dying!
yes, you are!
Dying dolphin skis!
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, guys.
- You're sorry?
- Should I not be?
- I was more expressing like,
Sorry doesn't begin
to cover it.
- We're blaming me for this?
- Well, you did bring me
to a secret swamp
Where your ex-boyfriend lives,
and then brought your father
To the secret swamp, so I'm not
gonna blame the crocodiles.
- We were going to die.
- You guys were.
I eat grass.
I was surviving.
Now you're surviving,
and one of us isn't.
- And to be clear,
whichever of us does survive,
Will always agree
with the dead one
That you could've
handled this better.
- Gee, I can't wait
to be forced to marry
The most lethal of two men
that despise me.
is that funny?
- No, but it is funny
to pick this moment
To expect our sympathy.
- Yeah, cry us a river.
- Cry us a swamp.
Look, don't worry.
Carrots and I have a plan.
- Poseidon might
not even show up.
- Are you serious?
- Sometimes he makes people
Stand around all day,
and that's the lesson.
- I love that lesson!
- Yup, let's get out of here.
- Time to fight to the death!
- Damn it.
- You should stay in my room
Until my family
can get used to you.
But I walk around a lot.
You like walking around?
And after a while,
maybe our species
Can form some kind of
- Attention, wolves!
Withdraw or die!
- Friendship.
- You're no match for humanity!
You have yet to develop
the sound cone!
- Okay,
time to fight to the death.
And don't do the thing
where you're friends,
So you're conflicted
about fighting.
Just really go at each other.
You're doing the exact thing
I asked you not to do!
Fight for real!
- Mutilate the wolves!
- Stop!
We can be friends!
This wolf and I slept together.
oh, grow up!
- That's sweet, sis,
But I don't think
these wolves understand.
- Wolf, you can understand me,
- Okay, great.
I'll talk to my army,
And you translate for yours.
Listen to me!
Humans and wolves
are not that different!
- We're smart but violent.
- We're especially mean
to our own kind.
- Maybe we finally found
the one animal
That really gets us.
- We're gonna be friends
with wolves.
- Hiya!
- Stop!
We won't fight anymore,
and here's why.
We have something
you don't hav--
- Carrots!
- Are you satisfied?
Have you seen enough blood?
- No, I haven't seen any.
I can't believe
you guys tried to pull
The fake telescoping
spear trick.
- Okay, okay,
you caught us there.
- You do understand now
I have to kill you both?
- Of course,
it makes a lot of sense
That this would offend you,
and you know why?
Because the lesson is,
nobody likes to be manipulated.
He gets it!
He's nodding.
- No, no,
I was imagining a kickass song
To murder you by.
dun, dun, dun, dun, die! ♪
die, die, die, die, die! ♪
- But I think if you think--
- Whoa!

Oh, my god!
Let it out.
Let's go.
- I hate you!
- Yeah, yeah.
You comin' home?
Or do you wanna
keep being free?
I'll come home,
but I hate you.
- Dolphins!
Called it.
Already dead.

- Light is dangerous.
- All move as one.
- Water is air.
- All right.
You're human, and he's gone.
- Did it work?
- Of course it worked!
It's not like poseidon's
going to choose now
To become unpredictable.
- Can I just ask, mom,
Whose dismembered human
and horse appendages those are?
- Actually, you can't ask,
because the lesson here
Is never question my judgment.
- I'm good with that lesson.
- I'm carrots.
- No new friends, carrots,
and find your own way home.
- You're a good guy,
carrots the centaur,
And a good horse, combined.
- We haven't seen the last
of each other, king tyrannis.
- He says "yah" to himself?
- Haven't seen the last
of each other?
Like he gets to decide
how enduring a character he is.
both: Centaurs.
- Mom, you were right.
I can't keep being
So critical of you if I'm just
as much of a spoiled assface.
- Yes, yes, it's possible
It was unfair of me
to trick you.
Right, what animal
do you want to go home on?
- An eagle!
- You don't get to choose.
Tricked you!
- Inspired choice.
- He didn't invent
summoning whales.
- Mom, mom, mom--mom!
how's it going?
- Well, they are interested
in a domestic relationship.
- That's great.
- I don't know.
They want to live in our houses
And sleep in our beds
and eat our food.
They want to be
escorted outside
So they can poop and pee
wherever they want,
And whenever they do it,
They want to be told
they're good at it.
- Okay, that took a turn.
What are they offering us?
Can we milk them?
- No!
No milking, no hauling.
Look, I'm a very
interspecies kind of guy,
But this is the most one-sided
proposal I've ever heard,
And I can't advise mankind
to do anything else
But walk the hell away.
- You guys,
look at their offspring.
It's like their puppies are
intentionally becoming cuter.
- But the negotiations
aren't really--
Okay, look at this lil' guy.
are you a lil' guy?
Yes, you are.
just go in there
and agree to everything.
Stop being a jerk.
- Did you get any of that?
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